diff --git a/packages/bsky/src/api/health.ts b/packages/bsky/src/api/health.ts
index 20190cd030..8b0f42dae9 100644
--- a/packages/bsky/src/api/health.ts
+++ b/packages/bsky/src/api/health.ts
@@ -6,9 +6,23 @@ export const createRouter = (ctx: AppContext): express.Router => {
 
   router.get('/', function (req, res) {
     res.type('text/plain')
-    res.send(
-      'This is an AT Protocol Application View (AppView) for the "bsky.app" application: https://github.com/bluesky-social/atproto\n\nMost API routes are under /xrpc/',
-    )
+    res.send(`
+  _         _
+ | |       | |
+ | |__  ___| | ___   _
+ | '_ \\/ __| |/ / | | |
+ | |_) \\__ \\   <| |_| |
+ |_.__/|___/_|\\_\\\\__, |
+                  __/ |
+                 |___/
+
+This is an AT Protocol Application View (AppView) for the "bsky.app" application.
+
+Most API routes are under /xrpc/
+
+      Code: https://github.com/bluesky-social/atproto
+  Protocol: https://atproto.com
+`)
   })
 
   router.get('/robots.txt', function (req, res) {
diff --git a/packages/ozone/src/api/health.ts b/packages/ozone/src/api/health.ts
index 60328f333f..6f73df39cd 100644
--- a/packages/ozone/src/api/health.ts
+++ b/packages/ozone/src/api/health.ts
@@ -5,6 +5,38 @@ import AppContext from '../context'
 export const createRouter = (ctx: AppContext): express.Router => {
   const router = express.Router()
 
+  router.get('/', function (req, res) {
+    res.type('text/plain')
+    res.send(`
+    ,o888888o.   8888888888',8888'  ,o888888o.     b.             8 8 8888888888
+ . 8888     '88.        ,8',8888'. 8888     '88.   888o.          8 8 8888
+,8 8888       '8b      ,8',8888',8 8888       '8b  Y88888o.       8 8 8888
+88 8888        '8b    ,8',8888' 88 8888        '8b .'Y888888o.    8 8 8888
+88 8888         88   ,8',8888'  88 8888         88 8o. 'Y888888o. 8 8 888888888888
+88 8888         88  ,8',8888'   88 8888         88 8'Y8o. 'Y88888o8 8 8888
+88 8888        ,8P ,8',8888'    88 8888        ,8P 8   'Y8o. 'Y8888 8 8888
+'8 8888       ,8P ,8',8888'     '8 8888       ,8P  8      'Y8o. 'Y8 8 8888
+ ' 8888     ,88' ,8',8888'       ' 8888     ,88'   8         'Y8o.' 8 8888
+    '8888888P'  ,8',8888888888888   '8888888P'     8            'Yo 8 888888888888
+
+
+This is an AT Protocol Moderation Service API Server.
+
+Most API routes are under /xrpc/
+
+      Code: https://github.com/bluesky-social/atproto
+ Self-Host: https://github.com/bluesky-social/ozone
+  Protocol: https://atproto.com
+`)
+  })
+
+  router.get('/robots.txt', function (req, res) {
+    res.type('text/plain')
+    res.send(
+      '# Hello Friends!\n\n# Crawling the public parts of the API is allowed. HTTP 429 ("backoff") status codes are used for rate-limiting. Up to a handful concurrent requests should be ok.\nUser-agent: *\nAllow: /',
+    )
+  })
+
   router.get('/xrpc/_health', async function (req, res) {
     const { version } = ctx.cfg.service
     try {
diff --git a/packages/pds/src/basic-routes.ts b/packages/pds/src/basic-routes.ts
index b64d1293c2..429674e9a9 100644
--- a/packages/pds/src/basic-routes.ts
+++ b/packages/pds/src/basic-routes.ts
@@ -7,9 +7,26 @@ export const createRouter = (ctx: AppContext): express.Router => {
 
   router.get('/', function (req, res) {
     res.type('text/plain')
-    res.send(
-      'This is an AT Protocol Personal Data Server (PDS): https://github.com/bluesky-social/atproto\n\nMost API routes are under /xrpc/',
-    )
+    res.send(`
+         __                         __
+        /\\ \\__                     /\\ \\__
+    __  \\ \\ ,_\\  _____   _ __   ___\\ \\ ,_\\   ___
+  /'__'\\ \\ \\ \\/ /\\ '__'\\/\\''__\\/ __'\\ \\ \\/  / __'\\
+ /\\ \\L\\.\\_\\ \\ \\_\\ \\ \\L\\ \\ \\ \\//\\ \\L\\ \\ \\ \\_/\\ \\L\\ \\
+ \\ \\__/.\\_\\\\ \\__\\\\ \\ ,__/\\ \\_\\\\ \\____/\\ \\__\\ \\____/
+  \\/__/\\/_/ \\/__/ \\ \\ \\/  \\/_/ \\/___/  \\/__/\\/___/
+                   \\ \\_\\
+                    \\/_/
+
+
+This is an AT Protocol Personal Data Server (aka, an atproto PDS)
+
+Most API routes are under /xrpc/
+
+      Code: https://github.com/bluesky-social/atproto
+ Self-Host: https://github.com/bluesky-social/pds
+  Protocol: https://atproto.com
+`)
   })
 
   router.get('/robots.txt', function (req, res) {