From 6315885739ac6d27c6495234d2206ffbcb92a343 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001
From: ianoti <ianodhiambootieno@gmail.com>
Date: Thu, 27 Apr 2017 22:43:47 +0300
Subject: [PATCH 01/24] feat: added authentication and reading of spreadsheets
 from copy

---
 .gitignore             | 10 ++---
 sprawler/quickstart.py | 84 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
 sprawler/worker.py     | 27 ++++++++++++++
 3 files changed, 115 insertions(+), 6 deletions(-)
 create mode 100644 sprawler/quickstart.py
 create mode 100644 sprawler/worker.py

diff --git a/.gitignore b/.gitignore
index 72364f9..4e37f50 100644
--- a/.gitignore
+++ b/.gitignore
@@ -78,12 +78,10 @@ celerybeat-schedule
 # dotenv
 .env
 
-# virtualenv
+# virtualenv and system files
 venv/
 ENV/
+.DS_Store
 
-# Spyder project settings
-.spyderproject
-
-# Rope project settings
-.ropeproject
+# Authentication Tokens
+*.json
diff --git a/sprawler/quickstart.py b/sprawler/quickstart.py
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..81fcb19
--- /dev/null
+++ b/sprawler/quickstart.py
@@ -0,0 +1,84 @@
+
+from __future__ import print_function
+import httplib2
+import os
+
+from apiclient import discovery
+from oauth2client import client
+from oauth2client import tools
+from oauth2client.file import Storage
+
+try:
+    import argparse
+    flags = argparse.ArgumentParser(parents=[tools.argparser]).parse_args()
+except ImportError:
+    flags = None
+
+# If modifying these scopes, delete your previously saved credentials
+# at ~/.credentials/sheets.googleapis.com-python-quickstart.json
+SCOPES = 'https://www.googleapis.com/auth/spreadsheets.readonly'
+CLIENT_SECRET_FILE = '../client_secret.json'
+APPLICATION_NAME = 'Google Sheets API Python Quickstart'
+
+
+def get_credentials():
+    """Gets valid user credentials from storage.
+
+    If nothing has been stored, or if the stored credentials are invalid,
+    the OAuth2 flow is completed to obtain the new credentials.
+
+    Returns:
+        Credentials, the obtained credential.
+    """
+    home_dir = os.path.expanduser('~')
+    credential_dir = os.path.join(home_dir, '.credentials')
+    if not os.path.exists(credential_dir):
+        os.makedirs(credential_dir)
+    credential_path = os.path.join(
+                        credential_dir,
+                        'sheets.googleapis.com-python-quickstart.json')
+
+    store = Storage(credential_path)
+    credentials = store.get()
+    if not credentials or credentials.invalid:
+        flow = client.flow_from_clientsecrets(CLIENT_SECRET_FILE, SCOPES)
+        flow.user_agent = APPLICATION_NAME
+        if flags:
+            credentials = tools.run_flow(flow, store, flags)
+        else:  # Needed only for compatibility with Python 2.6
+            credentials = tools.run(flow, store)
+        print('Storing credentials to ' + credential_path)
+    return credentials
+
+
+def main():
+    """Shows basic usage of the Sheets API.
+
+    Creates a Sheets API service object and prints the names and majors of
+    students in a sample spreadsheet:
+    https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1BxiMVs0XRA5nFMdKvBdBZjgmUUqptlbs74OgvE2upms/edit
+    """
+    credentials = get_credentials()
+    http = credentials.authorize(httplib2.Http())
+    discoveryUrl = ('https://sheets.googleapis.com/$discovery/rest?'
+                    'version=v4')
+    service = discovery.build('sheets', 'v4', http=http,
+                              discoveryServiceUrl=discoveryUrl)
+
+    spreadsheetId = '1BxiMVs0XRA5nFMdKvBdBZjgmUUqptlbs74OgvE2upms'
+    rangeName = 'Class Data!A2:E'
+    result = service.spreadsheets().values().get(
+        spreadsheetId=spreadsheetId, range=rangeName).execute()
+    values = result.get('values', [])
+
+    if not values:
+        print('No data found.')
+    else:
+        print('Name, Major:')
+        for row in values:
+            # Print columns A and E, which correspond to indices 0 and 4.
+            print('%s, %s' % (row[0], row[4]))
+
+
+if __name__ == '__main__':
+    main()
diff --git a/sprawler/worker.py b/sprawler/worker.py
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d597cad
--- /dev/null
+++ b/sprawler/worker.py
@@ -0,0 +1,27 @@
+import os
+import gspread
+from oauth2client.service_account import ServiceAccountCredentials
+
+sheet_list = []
+# json credentials you downloaded earlier
+rel_path = '/credentials/sakabot-cred.json'
+home_dir = os.path.dirname(os.path.abspath(__file__))
+CLIENT_SECRET_FILE = home_dir + rel_path
+SCOPE = ['https://spreadsheets.google.com/feeds']
+
+# get email and key from creds
+cred = ServiceAccountCredentials.from_json_keyfile_name(CLIENT_SECRET_FILE,
+                                                        SCOPE)
+
+gsheet = gspread.authorize(cred)  # authenticate with Google
+master_sheet = gsheet.open_by_key(
+    "1lJ4VUcP1t7kXZNtdVBlfgNDpXVrg--vSlA0iL7H5b4E")  # open sheet
+
+macbook_sheet = master_sheet.get_worksheet(0)
+charger_sheet = master_sheet.get_worksheet(1)
+thunderbolt_sheet = master_sheet.get_worksheet(2)
+sheet_list.extend([macbook_sheet, charger_sheet, thunderbolt_sheet])
+
+for sheet in sheet_list:
+    selected_cells = sheet.range('C1:C8')
+    print(selected_cells)

From 153615c74042e772f90a001265a2e0eb72fe8e1f Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001
From: ianoti <ianodhiambootieno@gmail.com>
Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2017 19:22:38 +0300
Subject: [PATCH 02/24] feat: add data parser

---
 sprawler/worker.py | 18 ++++++++++++++----
 1 file changed, 14 insertions(+), 4 deletions(-)

diff --git a/sprawler/worker.py b/sprawler/worker.py
index d597cad..50fa515 100644
--- a/sprawler/worker.py
+++ b/sprawler/worker.py
@@ -20,8 +20,18 @@
 macbook_sheet = master_sheet.get_worksheet(0)
 charger_sheet = master_sheet.get_worksheet(1)
 thunderbolt_sheet = master_sheet.get_worksheet(2)
-sheet_list.extend([macbook_sheet, charger_sheet, thunderbolt_sheet])
 
-for sheet in sheet_list:
-    selected_cells = sheet.range('C1:C8')
-    print(selected_cells)
+macbook_data = macbook_sheet.get_all_records()
+charger_data = charger_sheet.get_all_records()
+thunderbolt_data = thunderbolt_sheet.get_all_records()
+
+macbook_search_data = []
+charger_search_data = []
+thunderbolt_search_data = []
+
+
+def populate_search_data(list_of_dictionaries, search_list):
+    for records in list_of_dictionaries:
+        parsed_data = {records['Andela Code']: records['Fellow Name']}
+        search_list.append(parsed_data)
+    return search_list

From 27152f567fa0ae181be003a5b6a0cfb62ca65815 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001
From: ianoti <ianodhiambootieno@gmail.com>
Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2017 19:25:21 +0300
Subject: [PATCH 03/24] chore: requirements.txt added

---
 requirements.txt | 19 +++++++++++++++++++
 1 file changed, 19 insertions(+)
 create mode 100644 requirements.txt

diff --git a/requirements.txt b/requirements.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..aa9cdb3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/requirements.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,19 @@
+appdirs==1.4.3
+asn1crypto==0.22.0
+cffi==1.10.0
+cryptography==1.8.1
+google-api-python-client==1.6.2
+gspread==0.6.2
+httplib2==0.10.3
+idna==2.5
+oauth2client==4.0.0
+packaging==16.8
+pyasn1==0.2.3
+pyasn1-modules==0.0.8
+pycparser==2.17
+pyOpenSSL==17.0.0
+pyparsing==2.2.0
+requests==2.13.0
+rsa==3.4.2
+six==1.10.0
+uritemplate==3.0.0

From dfeb802fb0b73f2b752c142a871db22d219ffbd1 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001
From: Ryan Marvin <marvinryan@ymail.com>
Date: Sun, 30 Apr 2017 19:11:19 +0300
Subject: [PATCH 04/24] [Feature] Add sprawler output to DB

---
 .gitignore         |  2 ++
 sprawler/worker.py | 45 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
 2 files changed, 47 insertions(+)

diff --git a/.gitignore b/.gitignore
index 4e37f50..83c1271 100644
--- a/.gitignore
+++ b/.gitignore
@@ -1,3 +1,5 @@
+credentials
+
 # Byte-compiled / optimized / DLL files
 __pycache__/
 *.py[cod]
diff --git a/sprawler/worker.py b/sprawler/worker.py
index 50fa515..ec27dfc 100644
--- a/sprawler/worker.py
+++ b/sprawler/worker.py
@@ -1,6 +1,8 @@
 import os
 import gspread
 from oauth2client.service_account import ServiceAccountCredentials
+from pymongo import MongoClient
+import pymongo
 
 sheet_list = []
 # json credentials you downloaded earlier
@@ -31,7 +33,50 @@
 
 
 def populate_search_data(list_of_dictionaries, search_list):
+    print "Searching", macbook_data, charger_data, thunderbolt_data
     for records in list_of_dictionaries:
         parsed_data = {records['Andela Code']: records['Fellow Name']}
         search_list.append(parsed_data)
     return search_list
+
+mongodb_client = MongoClient()
+db = mongodb_client['saka']
+
+macbooks = db.macbooks
+thunderbolts = db.thunderbolts
+chargers = db.chargers
+
+macbooks.create_index([('equipment_id', pymongo.TEXT)], unique=True)
+chargers.create_index([('equipment_id', pymongo.TEXT)], unique=True)
+thunderbolts.create_index([('equipment_id', pymongo.TEXT)], unique=True)
+
+def store_in_db():
+    for item in macbook_data:
+        macbook = {
+        "equipment_id": item['Andela Code'].split("/")[-1],
+        "fellow_name": item['Fellow Name'],
+        "serial_no": item['Device Serial']
+        }
+        macbooks.insert_one(macbook)
+    print "Inserted macbooks"
+    for item in charger_data:
+        charger = {
+        "equipment_id": item['Andela Code'].split("/")[-1],
+        "fellow_name": item['Fellow Name']
+        }
+        chargers.insert_one(charger)
+
+    print "Inserted chargers"
+
+    for item in thunderbolt_data:
+        if item['Andela Code']:
+            thunderbolt = {
+            "equipment_id": item['Andela Code'].split("/")[-1],
+            "fellow_name": item['Fellow Name']
+            }
+            thunderbolts.insert_one(thunderbolt)
+
+    print "Inserted thunderbolts"
+
+if __name__ == "__main__":
+    store_in_db()
\ No newline at end of file

From ed22b4b0de2e34ebb409601a7e0504d76b0a12ee Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001
From: Ryan Marvin <marvinryan@ymail.com>
Date: Sun, 30 Apr 2017 22:40:38 +0300
Subject: [PATCH 05/24] [Feature] User can search for thunderbolt

---
 .gitignore                               |  1 +
 app/__init__.py                          | 16 +++++++
 app/core.py                              | 58 ++++++++++++++++++++++++
 app/handlers.py                          | 36 +++++++++++++++
 {sprawler => app/sprawler}/quickstart.py |  0
 {sprawler => app/sprawler}/worker.py     |  6 +--
 config-sample.py                         |  6 +++
 run.py                                   | 10 ++++
 slackbot_settings.py                     |  9 ++++
 9 files changed, 139 insertions(+), 3 deletions(-)
 create mode 100644 app/__init__.py
 create mode 100644 app/core.py
 create mode 100644 app/handlers.py
 rename {sprawler => app/sprawler}/quickstart.py (100%)
 rename {sprawler => app/sprawler}/worker.py (92%)
 create mode 100644 config-sample.py
 create mode 100644 run.py
 create mode 100644 slackbot_settings.py

diff --git a/.gitignore b/.gitignore
index 83c1271..10ff706 100644
--- a/.gitignore
+++ b/.gitignore
@@ -1,4 +1,5 @@
 credentials
+config.py
 
 # Byte-compiled / optimized / DLL files
 __pycache__/
diff --git a/app/__init__.py b/app/__init__.py
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f16a1eb
--- /dev/null
+++ b/app/__init__.py
@@ -0,0 +1,16 @@
+from pymongo import MongoClient
+from slackclient import SlackClient
+from app.config import MONGODB, BOT_TOKEN
+import pymongo
+
+
+mongodb_client = MongoClient()
+db = mongodb_client[MONGODB]
+
+# db collection
+chargers = db.chargers
+macbooks = db.macbooks
+thunderbolts = db.thunderbolts
+
+# slack client
+slack_client = SlackClient(BOT_TOKEN)
diff --git a/app/core.py b/app/core.py
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d34d6fc
--- /dev/null
+++ b/app/core.py
@@ -0,0 +1,58 @@
+from app import chargers, macbooks, thunderbolts, slack_client
+
+
+def get_charger(charger_id):
+    '''
+    Get charger from database using id
+    '''
+    return chargers.find_one({"equipment_id": charger_id})
+
+
+def get_macbook(macbook_id):
+    '''
+    Get charger from database using id
+    '''
+    return macbooks.find_one({"equipment_id": macbook_id})
+
+
+def get_thunderbolt(thunderbolt_id):
+    '''
+    Get charger from database using id
+    '''
+    return thunderbolts.find_one({"equipment_id": thunderbolt_id})
+
+
+def build_found_equipment_atachment(equipment, category):
+    '''
+    Returns a slack attachment to show a result
+    '''
+    return [{
+                "text": "That {} belongs to {}".format(category, equipment["fellow_name"]),
+                "fallback": "Equipment ID - {} | Owner - {}".format(equipment["equipment_id"], equipment["fellow_name"]),
+                "color": "#4B719C",
+                "fields": [
+                    {
+                        "title": "Equipment ID",
+                        "value": "{}".format(equipment["equipment_id"]),
+                        "short": "true"
+                    },
+                    {
+                        "title": "Owner",
+                        "value": "{}".format(equipment["fellow_name"]),
+                        "short": "true"
+                    }
+                ]
+    }]
+
+
+loading_messages = [
+    "We're testing your patience.",
+    "A few bits tried to escape, we're catching them..."
+    "It's still faster than slacking OPs :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:",
+    "Loading humorous message ... Please Wait",
+    "Firing up the transmogrification device...",
+    "Time is an illusion. Loading time doubly so.",
+    "Slacking OPs for the information, this could take a while...",
+    "Loading completed. Press F13 to continue.",
+    "Looks like someone's been careless again :face_with_rolling_eyes:..."
+]
diff --git a/app/handlers.py b/app/handlers.py
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..743a0fa
--- /dev/null
+++ b/app/handlers.py
@@ -0,0 +1,36 @@
+# coding: UTF-8
+import re
+import random
+import time
+import json
+from slackbot.bot import respond_to
+from app.core import get_charger, get_macbook, get_thunderbolt, loading_messages, build_found_equipment_atachment
+
+
+@respond_to('hello$|hi$|hey$|aloha$|bonjour$', re.IGNORECASE)
+def hello_reply(message):
+    time.sleep(1)
+    message.reply('Bonjour and howdy stranger. What can I do you for?')
+
+
+@respond_to('(tb|thunderbolt|thunder).*?(\d+)', re.IGNORECASE)
+def find_thunderbolt(message, equipment_type, equipment_id):
+    message.reply(random.choice(loading_messages))
+    time.sleep(2)
+
+    attachments = []
+    # get thunderbolt from db
+    thunderbolt = get_thunderbolt(int(equipment_id))
+
+    if thunderbolt:
+        attachments.extend(
+            build_found_equipment_atachment(thunderbolt,
+                                            "thunderbolt"))
+        time.sleep(1)
+        print attachments
+        message.send_webapi('', json.dumps(attachments))
+        return
+    else:
+        time.sleep(1)
+        message.reply("We were unable to find a "
+                      "thunderbolt by the id {} :zap:".format(equipment_id))
diff --git a/sprawler/quickstart.py b/app/sprawler/quickstart.py
similarity index 100%
rename from sprawler/quickstart.py
rename to app/sprawler/quickstart.py
diff --git a/sprawler/worker.py b/app/sprawler/worker.py
similarity index 92%
rename from sprawler/worker.py
rename to app/sprawler/worker.py
index ec27dfc..7171aaf 100644
--- a/sprawler/worker.py
+++ b/app/sprawler/worker.py
@@ -53,7 +53,7 @@ def populate_search_data(list_of_dictionaries, search_list):
 def store_in_db():
     for item in macbook_data:
         macbook = {
-        "equipment_id": item['Andela Code'].split("/")[-1],
+        "equipment_id": int(item['Andela Code'].split("/")[-1]),
         "fellow_name": item['Fellow Name'],
         "serial_no": item['Device Serial']
         }
@@ -61,7 +61,7 @@ def store_in_db():
     print "Inserted macbooks"
     for item in charger_data:
         charger = {
-        "equipment_id": item['Andela Code'].split("/")[-1],
+        "equipment_id": int(item['Andela Code'].split("/")[-1]),
         "fellow_name": item['Fellow Name']
         }
         chargers.insert_one(charger)
@@ -71,7 +71,7 @@ def store_in_db():
     for item in thunderbolt_data:
         if item['Andela Code']:
             thunderbolt = {
-            "equipment_id": item['Andela Code'].split("/")[-1],
+            "equipment_id": int(item['Andela Code'].split("/")[-1]),
             "fellow_name": item['Fellow Name']
             }
             thunderbolts.insert_one(thunderbolt)
diff --git a/config-sample.py b/config-sample.py
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..064a7a3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/config-sample.py
@@ -0,0 +1,6 @@
+# slack bot token
+API_TOKEN = ""
+
+# text api credentials
+AYLIEN_APP_ID = ""
+AYLIEN_CLIENT_SECRET = ""
diff --git a/run.py b/run.py
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..92e3e47
--- /dev/null
+++ b/run.py
@@ -0,0 +1,10 @@
+from slackbot.bot import Bot
+
+
+def main():
+    bot = Bot()
+    bot.run()
+
+
+if __name__ == "__main__":
+    main()
diff --git a/slackbot_settings.py b/slackbot_settings.py
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d384bc9
--- /dev/null
+++ b/slackbot_settings.py
@@ -0,0 +1,9 @@
+from app.config import BOT_TOKEN
+
+
+API_TOKEN = BOT_TOKEN
+ERRORS_TO = 'ryan-marvin'
+DEFAULT_REPLY = "Sorry but I didn't understand you."
+PLUGINS = [
+    'app',
+]

From 77ec9341bd8593a842f98a5bcb44ab4132e9cbce Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001
From: Ryan Marvin <marvinryan@ymail.com>
Date: Mon, 1 May 2017 01:51:50 +0300
Subject: [PATCH 06/24] [Feature] Add everything

---
 app/__init__.py      |   2 +
 app/core.py          |  86 ++++++++++++++++++++++++-----
 app/handlers.py      | 128 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++----
 run.py               |   2 +
 slackbot_settings.py |   2 +-
 5 files changed, 193 insertions(+), 27 deletions(-)

diff --git a/app/__init__.py b/app/__init__.py
index f16a1eb..c2fb8ba 100644
--- a/app/__init__.py
+++ b/app/__init__.py
@@ -11,6 +11,8 @@
 chargers = db.chargers
 macbooks = db.macbooks
 thunderbolts = db.thunderbolts
+lost = db.lost
+found = db.found
 
 # slack client
 slack_client = SlackClient(BOT_TOKEN)
diff --git a/app/core.py b/app/core.py
index d34d6fc..ee28b66 100644
--- a/app/core.py
+++ b/app/core.py
@@ -1,33 +1,89 @@
-from app import chargers, macbooks, thunderbolts, slack_client
+from app import chargers, macbooks, thunderbolts, lost, found, slack_client
 
 
-def get_charger(charger_id):
+def get_equipment(equipment_id, equipment_type):
     '''
-    Get charger from database using id
+    Get equipment from database
     '''
-    return chargers.find_one({"equipment_id": charger_id})
+    equipment = None
+    if equipment_type in ["mac", "tmac", "macbook"]:
+        equipment = chargers.find_one({"equipment_id": equipment_id})
+    elif equipment_type in ["charger", "charge", "procharger"]:
+        equipment = macbooks.find_one({"equipment_id": equipment_id})
+    elif equipment_type in ["tb", "thunderbolt", "thunder"]:
+        equipment = thunderbolts.find_one({"equipment_id": equipment_id})
 
+    return equipment
 
-def get_macbook(macbook_id):
+
+def add_lost_equipment(owner, equipment_lost):
     '''
-    Get charger from database using id
+    Add a lost item to the database
     '''
-    return macbooks.find_one({"equipment_id": macbook_id})
+    if not lost.find_one({"equipment": equipment_lost}):
+        slack_profile = slack_client.api_call("users.info",
+                                              user=owner)['user']["profile"]
+
+        lost_item = {
+            "equipment": equipment_lost,
+            "owner": owner,
+            "email": slack_profile["email"],
+            "name": '{} {}'.format(slack_profile["first_name"],
+                                   slack_profile["last_name"])
+        }
+        lost.insert_one(lost_item)
+        return True
+    return False
 
 
-def get_thunderbolt(thunderbolt_id):
+def add_found_equipment(submitter, equipment_found):
     '''
-    Get charger from database using id
+    Add a found item to the database
     '''
-    return thunderbolts.find_one({"equipment_id": thunderbolt_id})
+    if not found.find_one({"equipment": equipment_found}):
+        slack_profile = slack_client.api_call("users.info",
+                                              user=submitter)['user']["profile"]
+
+        found_item = {
+            "equipment": equipment_found,
+            "submitter": submitter,
+            "email": slack_profile["email"],
+            "name": '{} {}'.format(slack_profile["first_name"],
+                                   slack_profile["last_name"])
+        }
+        found.insert_one(found_item)
+        return True
+    return False
+
+
+def remove_from_lost(equipment):
+    lost.remove({"equipment": equipment})
+
+
+def remove_from_found(equipment):
+    found.remove({"equipment": equipment})
+
+
+def search_found_equipment(equipment):
+    return found.find_one({"equipment": equipment})
+
+
+def search_lost_equipment(equipment):
+    return lost.find_one({"equipment": equipment})
+
+
+def notify_user_equipment_found(submitter, equipment_type):
+    message = "The user <@{}> found your `{}`".format(
+        submitter, equipment_type)
+    slack_client.api_call("chat.postMessage", text=message, channel=submitter)
 
 
-def build_found_equipment_atachment(equipment, category):
+def build_search_reply_atachment(equipment, category):
     '''
     Returns a slack attachment to show a result
     '''
     return [{
-                "text": "That {} belongs to {}".format(category, equipment["fellow_name"]),
+        "text": "That {} belongs to {}".format(category, equipment["fellow_name"]),
                 "fallback": "Equipment ID - {} | Owner - {}".format(equipment["equipment_id"], equipment["fellow_name"]),
                 "color": "#4B719C",
                 "fields": [
@@ -41,18 +97,18 @@ def build_found_equipment_atachment(equipment, category):
                         "value": "{}".format(equipment["fellow_name"]),
                         "short": "true"
                     }
-                ]
+        ]
     }]
 
 
 loading_messages = [
     "We're testing your patience.",
-    "A few bits tried to escape, we're catching them..."
+    "A few bits tried to escape, we're catching them...",
     "It's still faster than slacking OPs :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:",
     "Loading humorous message ... Please Wait",
     "Firing up the transmogrification device...",
     "Time is an illusion. Loading time doubly so.",
     "Slacking OPs for the information, this could take a while...",
     "Loading completed. Press F13 to continue.",
-    "Looks like someone's been careless again :face_with_rolling_eyes:..."
+    "Oh boy, more work! :face_with_rolling_eyes:..."
 ]
diff --git a/app/handlers.py b/app/handlers.py
index 743a0fa..6273688 100644
--- a/app/handlers.py
+++ b/app/handlers.py
@@ -4,33 +4,139 @@
 import time
 import json
 from slackbot.bot import respond_to
-from app.core import get_charger, get_macbook, get_thunderbolt, loading_messages, build_found_equipment_atachment
+from app.core import get_equipment, loading_messages, build_search_reply_atachment, add_lost_equipment, search_found_equipment, remove_from_lost, search_lost_equipment, add_found_equipment, notify_user_equipment_found, remove_from_found
 
 
 @respond_to('hello$|hi$|hey$|aloha$|bonjour$', re.IGNORECASE)
 def hello_reply(message):
     time.sleep(1)
-    message.reply('Bonjour and howdy stranger. What can I do you for?')
+    message.reply('Hello stranger. What can I do you for?')
 
 
-@respond_to('(tb|thunderbolt|thunder).*?(\d+)', re.IGNORECASE)
-def find_thunderbolt(message, equipment_type, equipment_id):
+@respond_to('love', re.IGNORECASE)
+def love_reply(message):
+    love_replies = [
+        "I know.", ":heart:", "I like you as a friend",
+        "So does my cousin @slackbot.", "That’s weird. Why do you love 'U'",
+        "OK, what do you need?"
+    ]
+    time.sleep(1)
+    message.reply(random.choice(love_replies))
+
+
+@respond_to('thanks|thank', re.IGNORECASE)
+def gratitude_reply(message):
+    time.sleep(1)
+    message.reply("No problemo Guillermo")
+
+
+@respond_to("(find|get|search|retrieve) (mac|tmac|macbook|charger|charge|procharger|tb|thunderbolt|thunder).*?(\d+)", re.IGNORECASE)
+def find_equipment(message, command, equipment_type, equipment_id):
+    time.sleep(1)
     message.reply(random.choice(loading_messages))
     time.sleep(2)
 
     attachments = []
-    # get thunderbolt from db
-    thunderbolt = get_thunderbolt(int(equipment_id))
+    equipment_type = equipment_type.strip().lower()
+    print equipment_type
+    # get equipment from db
+    equipment = get_equipment(int(equipment_id), equipment_type)
 
-    if thunderbolt:
+    if equipment:
         attachments.extend(
-            build_found_equipment_atachment(thunderbolt,
-                                            "thunderbolt"))
+            build_search_reply_atachment(equipment,
+                                            "item"))
         time.sleep(1)
         print attachments
         message.send_webapi('', json.dumps(attachments))
         return
     else:
         time.sleep(1)
-        message.reply("We were unable to find a "
-                      "thunderbolt by the id {} :zap:".format(equipment_id))
+        message.reply("We were unable to find an "
+                      "item by the id {} :snowman_without_snow:".format(equipment_id))
+
+
+@respond_to("lost (mac|tmac|macbook|charger|charge|procharger|tb|thunderbolt|thunder).*?(\d+)")
+def report_lost(message, equipment_type, equipment_id):
+    '''
+    Report an item has been lost
+    '''
+    # get equipment from db
+    equipment = get_equipment(int(equipment_id), equipment_type)
+
+    if equipment:
+        owner = message.body['user']
+
+        # try to find if equipment is in the found collection before adding it
+        found_equipment = search_found_equipment(equipment)
+        if found_equipment:
+            time.sleep(1)
+            message.reply("Woohoo!:tada: The user <@{}> reported they "
+                          "found your {}.\n"
+                          "We're marking this item as found.".format(
+                              found_equipment['submitter'],
+                              equipment_type))
+            remove_from_found(found_equipment)
+            return
+        else:
+            if add_lost_equipment(owner, equipment):
+                time.sleep(1)
+                message.reply("Added `{}-{}` to our database. We'll slack you "
+                              "in case anyone finds it "
+                              ":envelope_with_arrow:".format(equipment_type,
+                                                             equipment_id))
+            else:
+                time.sleep(1)
+                message.reply("The item `{0}-{1}` is already in our "
+                              "database. Send `found {0} {1}` "
+                              "if you meant to report you found it.".format(
+                                  equipment_type,
+                                  equipment_id))
+    else:
+        time.sleep(1)
+        message.reply("That item doesn't exist in our database "
+                      "and thus can't be reported as lost.")
+
+
+@respond_to("found (mac|tmac|macbook|charger|charge|procharger|tb|thunderbolt|thunder).*?(\d+)")
+def submit_found(message, equipment_type, equipment_id):
+    '''
+    Submit a found item
+    '''
+    # get equipment from db
+    equipment = get_equipment(int(equipment_id), equipment_type)
+
+    if equipment:
+        submitter = message.body['user']
+        # check if item is in lost collection
+        equipment_in_lost = search_lost_equipment(equipment)
+
+        if equipment_in_lost:
+            time.sleep(1)
+            notify_user_equipment_found(submitter, equipment_type)
+            message.reply("Woohoo!:tada: We've notified the owner <@{}> "
+                          "that you found their {}.\nI would pat your "
+                          "back if I had any hands."
+                          " Keep being awesome :clap:".format(equipment_in_lost["owner"],
+                                                              equipment_type)
+                          )
+            remove_from_lost(equipment_in_lost)
+        else:
+            if add_found_equipment(submitter, equipment):
+                time.sleep(1)
+                message.reply("Added `{}-{}` to our database. We'll slack the "
+                              "owner when they report it missing. "
+                              ":outbox_tray:. Thank you".format(equipment_type,
+                                                                equipment_id))
+            else:
+                time.sleep(1)
+                message.reply("The item `{0}-{1}` is already in our "
+                              "database. Send `lost {0} {1}` "
+                              "if you meant to report you lost it.".format(
+                                  equipment_type,
+                                  equipment_id))
+
+    else:
+        time.sleep(1)
+        message.reply("That item doesn't exist in our database "
+                      "and thus can't be reported as found.")
diff --git a/run.py b/run.py
index 92e3e47..1eb6166 100644
--- a/run.py
+++ b/run.py
@@ -1,4 +1,5 @@
 from slackbot.bot import Bot
+import logging
 
 
 def main():
@@ -7,4 +8,5 @@ def main():
 
 
 if __name__ == "__main__":
+    logging.basicConfig()
     main()
diff --git a/slackbot_settings.py b/slackbot_settings.py
index d384bc9..273545c 100644
--- a/slackbot_settings.py
+++ b/slackbot_settings.py
@@ -3,7 +3,7 @@
 
 API_TOKEN = BOT_TOKEN
 ERRORS_TO = 'ryan-marvin'
-DEFAULT_REPLY = "Sorry but I didn't understand you."
+DEFAULT_REPLY = "Sorry but I didn't understand you. Type `help` for assistance"
 PLUGINS = [
     'app',
 ]

From 1a065d1460bf33441023ee2f36a9f63454bb53df Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001
From: Ryan Marvin <marvinryan@ymail.com>
Date: Mon, 1 May 2017 01:54:04 +0300
Subject: [PATCH 07/24] [Chore] Add Procfile and update requirements

---
 Procfile         | 1 +
 requirements.txt | 8 ++++++++
 2 files changed, 9 insertions(+)
 create mode 100644 Procfile

diff --git a/Procfile b/Procfile
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c747d05
--- /dev/null
+++ b/Procfile
@@ -0,0 +1 @@
+worker: python run.py
diff --git a/requirements.txt b/requirements.txt
index aa9cdb3..c7e19b0 100644
--- a/requirements.txt
+++ b/requirements.txt
@@ -2,18 +2,26 @@ appdirs==1.4.3
 asn1crypto==0.22.0
 cffi==1.10.0
 cryptography==1.8.1
+enum34==1.1.6
 google-api-python-client==1.6.2
 gspread==0.6.2
 httplib2==0.10.3
 idna==2.5
+ipaddress==1.0.18
+logging==0.4.9.6
 oauth2client==4.0.0
 packaging==16.8
 pyasn1==0.2.3
 pyasn1-modules==0.0.8
 pycparser==2.17
+pymongo==3.4.0
 pyOpenSSL==17.0.0
 pyparsing==2.2.0
 requests==2.13.0
 rsa==3.4.2
 six==1.10.0
+slackbot==0.4.1
+slackclient==1.0.5
+slacker==0.9.42
 uritemplate==3.0.0
+websocket-client==0.40.0

From f2236331225175e17eaab745691eed458482172b Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001
From: Ryan Marvin <marvinryan@ymail.com>
Date: Mon, 1 May 2017 10:09:12 +0300
Subject: [PATCH 08/24] [Chore] Some config changes

---
 .gitignore    | 1 -
 app/config.py | 3 +++
 2 files changed, 3 insertions(+), 1 deletion(-)
 create mode 100644 app/config.py

diff --git a/.gitignore b/.gitignore
index 10ff706..83c1271 100644
--- a/.gitignore
+++ b/.gitignore
@@ -1,5 +1,4 @@
 credentials
-config.py
 
 # Byte-compiled / optimized / DLL files
 __pycache__/
diff --git a/app/config.py b/app/config.py
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..36daf80
--- /dev/null
+++ b/app/config.py
@@ -0,0 +1,3 @@
+# slack bot token
+BOT_TOKEN = "xoxb-176132627233-lx20W0wN0Qby9D777UhCjwiU"
+MONGODB = "saka"

From 709034fce12a7f3d2f9fe0a19653d045315624da Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001
From: Ryan Marvin <marvinryan@ymail.com>
Date: Mon, 1 May 2017 10:20:45 +0300
Subject: [PATCH 09/24] [Chore] Make configs env variables

---
 .gitignore           | 1 -
 app/__init__.py      | 8 +++-----
 app/config.py        | 4 ++++
 app/handlers.py      | 2 +-
 config-sample.py     | 6 ------
 slackbot_settings.py | 7 +++----
 6 files changed, 11 insertions(+), 17 deletions(-)
 create mode 100644 app/config.py
 delete mode 100644 config-sample.py

diff --git a/.gitignore b/.gitignore
index 10ff706..83c1271 100644
--- a/.gitignore
+++ b/.gitignore
@@ -1,5 +1,4 @@
 credentials
-config.py
 
 # Byte-compiled / optimized / DLL files
 __pycache__/
diff --git a/app/__init__.py b/app/__init__.py
index c2fb8ba..167ceba 100644
--- a/app/__init__.py
+++ b/app/__init__.py
@@ -1,11 +1,9 @@
 from pymongo import MongoClient
 from slackclient import SlackClient
-from app.config import MONGODB, BOT_TOKEN
-import pymongo
+from app.config import MONGODB_URI, BOT_TOKEN
 
-
-mongodb_client = MongoClient()
-db = mongodb_client[MONGODB]
+mongodb_client = MongoClient(MONGODB_URI)
+db = mongodb_client["saka"]
 
 # db collection
 chargers = db.chargers
diff --git a/app/config.py b/app/config.py
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d57c7f4
--- /dev/null
+++ b/app/config.py
@@ -0,0 +1,4 @@
+import os
+# slack bot token
+BOT_TOKEN = os.getenv("BOT_TOKEN")
+MONGODB_URI = os.getenv('MONGODB_URI')
diff --git a/app/handlers.py b/app/handlers.py
index 6273688..dfcf935 100644
--- a/app/handlers.py
+++ b/app/handlers.py
@@ -45,7 +45,7 @@ def find_equipment(message, command, equipment_type, equipment_id):
     if equipment:
         attachments.extend(
             build_search_reply_atachment(equipment,
-                                            "item"))
+                                         "item"))
         time.sleep(1)
         print attachments
         message.send_webapi('', json.dumps(attachments))
diff --git a/config-sample.py b/config-sample.py
deleted file mode 100644
index 064a7a3..0000000
--- a/config-sample.py
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,6 +0,0 @@
-# slack bot token
-API_TOKEN = ""
-
-# text api credentials
-AYLIEN_APP_ID = ""
-AYLIEN_CLIENT_SECRET = ""
diff --git a/slackbot_settings.py b/slackbot_settings.py
index 273545c..2df6bdc 100644
--- a/slackbot_settings.py
+++ b/slackbot_settings.py
@@ -1,8 +1,7 @@
-from app.config import BOT_TOKEN
+import os
 
-
-API_TOKEN = BOT_TOKEN
-ERRORS_TO = 'ryan-marvin'
+API_TOKEN = os.getenv("BOT_TOKEN")
+ERRORS_TO = os.getenv('ERRORS_TO')
 DEFAULT_REPLY = "Sorry but I didn't understand you. Type `help` for assistance"
 PLUGINS = [
     'app',

From 7f4b89860544665d81000e0d0bb3af9d8293d245 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001
From: Ryan Marvin <marvinryan@ymail.com>
Date: Mon, 1 May 2017 12:32:15 +0300
Subject: [PATCH 10/24] [Fix] Fix unauthorized db error

---
 app/__init__.py | 2 +-
 1 file changed, 1 insertion(+), 1 deletion(-)

diff --git a/app/__init__.py b/app/__init__.py
index 167ceba..0fa99e4 100644
--- a/app/__init__.py
+++ b/app/__init__.py
@@ -3,7 +3,7 @@
 from app.config import MONGODB_URI, BOT_TOKEN
 
 mongodb_client = MongoClient(MONGODB_URI)
-db = mongodb_client["saka"]
+db = mongodb_client.get_default_database()
 
 # db collection
 chargers = db.chargers

From 2c5518f309bf39d7b2b95490fbdf81b7cdb0a03c Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001
From: Ryan Marvin <marvinryan@ymail.com>
Date: Mon, 1 May 2017 15:40:21 +0300
Subject: [PATCH 11/24] [Feature] Add help

---
 app/core.py     | 36 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
 app/handlers.py |  7 ++++++-
 2 files changed, 42 insertions(+), 1 deletion(-)

diff --git a/app/core.py b/app/core.py
index ee28b66..6ce0cdc 100644
--- a/app/core.py
+++ b/app/core.py
@@ -101,6 +101,42 @@ def build_search_reply_atachment(equipment, category):
     }]
 
 
+def get_help_message():
+    return [
+        {
+            "text": "Sakabot helps you search, find or report a lost item "
+            "whether it be your macbook, thunderbolt or charger.\n *USAGE*",
+            "color": "#4B719C",
+            "mrkdwn_in": ["fields"],
+            "fields": [
+                {
+                    "title": "Searching for an items' owner",
+                    "value": "To search for an item's owner send "
+                    "`find charger|mac|thunderbolt <item_id>` "
+                    "to _@sakabot_.\n eg. `find charger 41`"
+                },
+                {
+                    "title": "Reporting that you've lost an item",
+                    "value": "When you lose an item, there's a chance that "
+                    "somebody has found it and submitted it to Sakabot. "
+                    "In that case we'll tell you who found it, otherwise, "
+                    "we'll slack you in case anyone reports they found it. To "
+                    "report an item as lost send `lost charger|mac|thunderbolt <item_id>` to _@sakabot._"
+                    "\n eg. `lost thunderbolt 33`"
+                },
+                {
+                    "title": "Submit a found item",
+                    "value": "When you find a lost item you can report that "
+                    "you found it and in case a user had reported it lost, "
+                    "we'll slack them immediately telling them you found it. "
+                    "To report that you found an item send `found charger|mac|thunderbolt <item_id>` to _@sakabot_"
+                    "\n eg. `lost mac 67`"
+                }
+            ],
+        }
+    ]
+
+
 loading_messages = [
     "We're testing your patience.",
     "A few bits tried to escape, we're catching them...",
diff --git a/app/handlers.py b/app/handlers.py
index dfcf935..18075e4 100644
--- a/app/handlers.py
+++ b/app/handlers.py
@@ -4,7 +4,7 @@
 import time
 import json
 from slackbot.bot import respond_to
-from app.core import get_equipment, loading_messages, build_search_reply_atachment, add_lost_equipment, search_found_equipment, remove_from_lost, search_lost_equipment, add_found_equipment, notify_user_equipment_found, remove_from_found
+from app.core import get_equipment, loading_messages, build_search_reply_atachment, add_lost_equipment, search_found_equipment, remove_from_lost, search_lost_equipment, add_found_equipment, notify_user_equipment_found, remove_from_found, get_help_message
 
 
 @respond_to('hello$|hi$|hey$|aloha$|bonjour$', re.IGNORECASE)
@@ -140,3 +140,8 @@ def submit_found(message, equipment_type, equipment_id):
         time.sleep(1)
         message.reply("That item doesn't exist in our database "
                       "and thus can't be reported as found.")
+
+
+@respond_to('help$|assist$', re.IGNORECASE)
+def help(message):
+    message.send_webapi('', get_help_message())

From f4413a16b45987a9c945a538f5c858e2225d7381 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001
From: Ryan Marvin <marvinryan@ymail.com>
Date: Mon, 1 May 2017 15:44:30 +0300
Subject: [PATCH 12/24] [Fix] Fix markdown issue in attachment

---
 app/core.py | 2 +-
 1 file changed, 1 insertion(+), 1 deletion(-)

diff --git a/app/core.py b/app/core.py
index 6ce0cdc..d4eea25 100644
--- a/app/core.py
+++ b/app/core.py
@@ -107,7 +107,7 @@ def get_help_message():
             "text": "Sakabot helps you search, find or report a lost item "
             "whether it be your macbook, thunderbolt or charger.\n *USAGE*",
             "color": "#4B719C",
-            "mrkdwn_in": ["fields"],
+            "mrkdwn_in": ["fields", "text"],
             "fields": [
                 {
                     "title": "Searching for an items' owner",

From 860b304fab2f16bc24df809cc970cb2f18ff91a1 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001
From: ianoti <ianodhiambootieno@gmail.com>
Date: Mon, 1 May 2017 16:45:56 +0300
Subject: [PATCH 13/24] chore: removed unused example file

---
 app/sprawler/quickstart.py | 84 --------------------------------------
 1 file changed, 84 deletions(-)
 delete mode 100644 app/sprawler/quickstart.py

diff --git a/app/sprawler/quickstart.py b/app/sprawler/quickstart.py
deleted file mode 100644
index 81fcb19..0000000
--- a/app/sprawler/quickstart.py
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,84 +0,0 @@
-
-from __future__ import print_function
-import httplib2
-import os
-
-from apiclient import discovery
-from oauth2client import client
-from oauth2client import tools
-from oauth2client.file import Storage
-
-try:
-    import argparse
-    flags = argparse.ArgumentParser(parents=[tools.argparser]).parse_args()
-except ImportError:
-    flags = None
-
-# If modifying these scopes, delete your previously saved credentials
-# at ~/.credentials/sheets.googleapis.com-python-quickstart.json
-SCOPES = 'https://www.googleapis.com/auth/spreadsheets.readonly'
-CLIENT_SECRET_FILE = '../client_secret.json'
-APPLICATION_NAME = 'Google Sheets API Python Quickstart'
-
-
-def get_credentials():
-    """Gets valid user credentials from storage.
-
-    If nothing has been stored, or if the stored credentials are invalid,
-    the OAuth2 flow is completed to obtain the new credentials.
-
-    Returns:
-        Credentials, the obtained credential.
-    """
-    home_dir = os.path.expanduser('~')
-    credential_dir = os.path.join(home_dir, '.credentials')
-    if not os.path.exists(credential_dir):
-        os.makedirs(credential_dir)
-    credential_path = os.path.join(
-                        credential_dir,
-                        'sheets.googleapis.com-python-quickstart.json')
-
-    store = Storage(credential_path)
-    credentials = store.get()
-    if not credentials or credentials.invalid:
-        flow = client.flow_from_clientsecrets(CLIENT_SECRET_FILE, SCOPES)
-        flow.user_agent = APPLICATION_NAME
-        if flags:
-            credentials = tools.run_flow(flow, store, flags)
-        else:  # Needed only for compatibility with Python 2.6
-            credentials = tools.run(flow, store)
-        print('Storing credentials to ' + credential_path)
-    return credentials
-
-
-def main():
-    """Shows basic usage of the Sheets API.
-
-    Creates a Sheets API service object and prints the names and majors of
-    students in a sample spreadsheet:
-    https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1BxiMVs0XRA5nFMdKvBdBZjgmUUqptlbs74OgvE2upms/edit
-    """
-    credentials = get_credentials()
-    http = credentials.authorize(httplib2.Http())
-    discoveryUrl = ('https://sheets.googleapis.com/$discovery/rest?'
-                    'version=v4')
-    service = discovery.build('sheets', 'v4', http=http,
-                              discoveryServiceUrl=discoveryUrl)
-
-    spreadsheetId = '1BxiMVs0XRA5nFMdKvBdBZjgmUUqptlbs74OgvE2upms'
-    rangeName = 'Class Data!A2:E'
-    result = service.spreadsheets().values().get(
-        spreadsheetId=spreadsheetId, range=rangeName).execute()
-    values = result.get('values', [])
-
-    if not values:
-        print('No data found.')
-    else:
-        print('Name, Major:')
-        for row in values:
-            # Print columns A and E, which correspond to indices 0 and 4.
-            print('%s, %s' % (row[0], row[4]))
-
-
-if __name__ == '__main__':
-    main()

From b4fc0c9067f7c6a32ca7c30eca1ee39a27e6d0c8 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001
From: Ryan Marvin <marvinryan@ymail.com>
Date: Tue, 2 May 2017 20:19:25 +0300
Subject: [PATCH 14/24] [Fix] Logic errors go byebye

---
 app/core.py     |  6 +++---
 app/handlers.py | 10 +++++-----
 2 files changed, 8 insertions(+), 8 deletions(-)

diff --git a/app/core.py b/app/core.py
index d4eea25..5ea8a84 100644
--- a/app/core.py
+++ b/app/core.py
@@ -72,10 +72,10 @@ def search_lost_equipment(equipment):
     return lost.find_one({"equipment": equipment})
 
 
-def notify_user_equipment_found(submitter, equipment_type):
+def notify_user_equipment_found(submitter, owner, equipment_type):
     message = "The user <@{}> found your `{}`".format(
         submitter, equipment_type)
-    slack_client.api_call("chat.postMessage", text=message, channel=submitter)
+    slack_client.api_call("chat.postMessage", text=message, channel=owner)
 
 
 def build_search_reply_atachment(equipment, category):
@@ -130,7 +130,7 @@ def get_help_message():
                     "you found it and in case a user had reported it lost, "
                     "we'll slack them immediately telling them you found it. "
                     "To report that you found an item send `found charger|mac|thunderbolt <item_id>` to _@sakabot_"
-                    "\n eg. `lost mac 67`"
+                    "\n eg. `find mac 67`"
                 }
             ],
         }
diff --git a/app/handlers.py b/app/handlers.py
index 18075e4..9c493fa 100644
--- a/app/handlers.py
+++ b/app/handlers.py
@@ -109,18 +109,18 @@ def submit_found(message, equipment_type, equipment_id):
     if equipment:
         submitter = message.body['user']
         # check if item is in lost collection
-        equipment_in_lost = search_lost_equipment(equipment)
+        lost_equipment = search_lost_equipment(equipment)
 
-        if equipment_in_lost:
+        if lost_equipment:
             time.sleep(1)
-            notify_user_equipment_found(submitter, equipment_type)
+            notify_user_equipment_found(submitter, lost_equipment['owner'], equipment_type)
             message.reply("Woohoo!:tada: We've notified the owner <@{}> "
                           "that you found their {}.\nI would pat your "
                           "back if I had any hands."
-                          " Keep being awesome :clap:".format(equipment_in_lost["owner"],
+                          " Keep being awesome :clap:".format(lost_equipment["owner"],
                                                               equipment_type)
                           )
-            remove_from_lost(equipment_in_lost)
+            remove_from_lost(lost_equipment)
         else:
             if add_found_equipment(submitter, equipment):
                 time.sleep(1)

From 0e6de0e2236bfde348cab93c00b314a6b0f65cdc Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001
From: Ryan Marvin <marvinryan@ymail.com>
Date: Wed, 3 May 2017 09:49:12 +0300
Subject: [PATCH 15/24] [Fix] Fix typos

---
 app/core.py | 4 ++--
 1 file changed, 2 insertions(+), 2 deletions(-)

diff --git a/app/core.py b/app/core.py
index 5ea8a84..d2d9514 100644
--- a/app/core.py
+++ b/app/core.py
@@ -110,7 +110,7 @@ def get_help_message():
             "mrkdwn_in": ["fields", "text"],
             "fields": [
                 {
-                    "title": "Searching for an items' owner",
+                    "title": "Searching for an item's owner",
                     "value": "To search for an item's owner send "
                     "`find charger|mac|thunderbolt <item_id>` "
                     "to _@sakabot_.\n eg. `find charger 41`"
@@ -130,7 +130,7 @@ def get_help_message():
                     "you found it and in case a user had reported it lost, "
                     "we'll slack them immediately telling them you found it. "
                     "To report that you found an item send `found charger|mac|thunderbolt <item_id>` to _@sakabot_"
-                    "\n eg. `find mac 67`"
+                    "\n eg. `found mac 67`"
                 }
             ],
         }

From aadbe7f2959a8a2ae72ddcd776501be55b336ca2 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001
From: Ryan Marvin <marvinryan@ymail.com>
Date: Thu, 4 May 2017 23:12:35 +0300
Subject: [PATCH 16/24] [Fix] Always check that queries return something

---
 app/core.py     |  4 ++--
 app/handlers.py | 12 ++++++------
 2 files changed, 8 insertions(+), 8 deletions(-)

diff --git a/app/core.py b/app/core.py
index d2d9514..8eeea68 100644
--- a/app/core.py
+++ b/app/core.py
@@ -57,11 +57,11 @@ def add_found_equipment(submitter, equipment_found):
 
 
 def remove_from_lost(equipment):
-    lost.remove({"equipment": equipment})
+    lost.delete_one({"equipment": equipment})
 
 
 def remove_from_found(equipment):
-    found.remove({"equipment": equipment})
+    found.delete_one({"equipment": equipment})
 
 
 def search_found_equipment(equipment):
diff --git a/app/handlers.py b/app/handlers.py
index 9c493fa..9f21937 100644
--- a/app/handlers.py
+++ b/app/handlers.py
@@ -76,7 +76,7 @@ def report_lost(message, equipment_type, equipment_id):
                           "We're marking this item as found.".format(
                               found_equipment['submitter'],
                               equipment_type))
-            remove_from_found(found_equipment)
+            remove_from_found(equipment)
             return
         else:
             if add_lost_equipment(owner, equipment):
@@ -87,8 +87,8 @@ def report_lost(message, equipment_type, equipment_id):
                                                              equipment_id))
             else:
                 time.sleep(1)
-                message.reply("The item `{0}-{1}` is already in our "
-                              "database. Send `found {0} {1}` "
+                message.reply("The item `{0}-{1}` has already been reported "
+                              "lost. Send `found {0} {1}` "
                               "if you meant to report you found it.".format(
                                   equipment_type,
                                   equipment_id))
@@ -120,7 +120,7 @@ def submit_found(message, equipment_type, equipment_id):
                           " Keep being awesome :clap:".format(lost_equipment["owner"],
                                                               equipment_type)
                           )
-            remove_from_lost(lost_equipment)
+            remove_from_lost(equipment)
         else:
             if add_found_equipment(submitter, equipment):
                 time.sleep(1)
@@ -130,8 +130,8 @@ def submit_found(message, equipment_type, equipment_id):
                                                                 equipment_id))
             else:
                 time.sleep(1)
-                message.reply("The item `{0}-{1}` is already in our "
-                              "database. Send `lost {0} {1}` "
+                message.reply("The item `{0}-{1}` has already been reported"
+                              " found. Send `lost {0} {1}` "
                               "if you meant to report you lost it.".format(
                                   equipment_type,
                                   equipment_id))

From 603ee502fad4ffe9794f3767641c593934f4c85f Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001
From: Ryan Marvin <marvinryan@ymail.com>
Date: Sat, 13 May 2017 14:28:29 +0300
Subject: [PATCH 17/24] [Chore] Add README.md

---
 README.md | 44 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
 1 file changed, 44 insertions(+)
 create mode 100644 README.md

diff --git a/README.md b/README.md
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1ff2d22
--- /dev/null
+++ b/README.md
@@ -0,0 +1,44 @@
+# Sakabot
+Sakabot is a slackbot designed to help Andelans find the owners of equipment and report them either lost or found. 
+It's been built in part using this wrapper to the slack rtm api https://github.com/lins05/slackbot. 
+
+### Getting Started
+These instructions will get you a copy of the project up and running on your local machine for development and testing purposes. See deployment for notes on how to deploy the project on a live system.
+
+### Prerequisites
+You'll need a slack api bot token https://api.slack.com/bot-users.
+
+### Installing
+Clone the repo from Github by running  `$ git clone git@github.com:RyanSept/sakabot.git`
+Change directory into package `$ cd sakabot`
+Install the dependencies by running `$ pip install requirements.txt`
+You can set the required environment variables like so
+
+```
+$ export BOT_TOKEN=<SLACK_API_BOT_TOKEN> 
+$ export MONGODB_URI=<URI_TO_MONGO_DATABASE>
+$ export ERRORS_TO=<SLACK_USER_TO_SEND_ERRORS_TO>
+```
+
+Before running you need to setup the database and populate it by running the sprawler on the OPs spreadsheet with your email credentials
+on it.
+
+### Deployment
+To deploy on heroku, you need to push setup the app on heroku, add the appropriate configs(see installing section), set up a
+mongodb and scale the dyno `heroku ps:scale worker=1`
+
+### Usage
+Searching for an item's owner
+----------------
+To search for an item's owner send `find charger|mac|thunderbolt <item_id>` to _@sakabot_.
+eg. `find charger 41`
+
+Reporting that you've lost an item
+----------------
+When you lose an item, there's a chance that somebody has found it and submitted it to Sakabot. In that case we'll tell you who found it, otherwise, we'll slack you in case anyone reports they found it. To report an item as lost send `lost charger|mac|thunderbolt <item_id>` to _@sakabot._
+eg. `lost thunderbolt 33`
+
+Submit a found item
+----------------
+When you find a lost item you can report that you found it and in case a user had reported it lost, we'll slack them immediately telling them you found it. To report that you found an item send `found charger|mac|thunderbolt <item_id>` to _@sakabot_
+eg. `found mac 67`

From 3a47353c554d31722ca573ad3987440b264ffa79 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001
From: Ryan Marvin <marvinryan@ymail.com>
Date: Sat, 13 May 2017 14:31:29 +0300
Subject: [PATCH 18/24] [Chore] Formating changes on README

---
 README.md | 12 ++++++------
 1 file changed, 6 insertions(+), 6 deletions(-)

diff --git a/README.md b/README.md
index 1ff2d22..2eb1521 100644
--- a/README.md
+++ b/README.md
@@ -10,8 +10,11 @@ You'll need a slack api bot token https://api.slack.com/bot-users.
 
 ### Installing
 Clone the repo from Github by running  `$ git clone git@github.com:RyanSept/sakabot.git`
+
 Change directory into package `$ cd sakabot`
+
 Install the dependencies by running `$ pip install requirements.txt`
+
 You can set the required environment variables like so
 
 ```
@@ -28,17 +31,14 @@ To deploy on heroku, you need to push setup the app on heroku, add the appropria
 mongodb and scale the dyno `heroku ps:scale worker=1`
 
 ### Usage
-Searching for an item's owner
-----------------
+*Searching for an item's owner*
 To search for an item's owner send `find charger|mac|thunderbolt <item_id>` to _@sakabot_.
 eg. `find charger 41`
 
-Reporting that you've lost an item
-----------------
+*Reporting that you've lost an item*
 When you lose an item, there's a chance that somebody has found it and submitted it to Sakabot. In that case we'll tell you who found it, otherwise, we'll slack you in case anyone reports they found it. To report an item as lost send `lost charger|mac|thunderbolt <item_id>` to _@sakabot._
 eg. `lost thunderbolt 33`
 
-Submit a found item
-----------------
+*Submit a found item*
 When you find a lost item you can report that you found it and in case a user had reported it lost, we'll slack them immediately telling them you found it. To report that you found an item send `found charger|mac|thunderbolt <item_id>` to _@sakabot_
 eg. `found mac 67`

From 51aee9dfacd1e5193f54dfdcc88eccb37fdc856c Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001
From: Ryan Marvin <marvinryan@ymail.com>
Date: Sat, 10 Jun 2017 15:50:46 +0300
Subject: [PATCH 19/24] =?UTF-8?q?[Feature]=20Add=20emails=20to=20data,=20w?=
 =?UTF-8?q?e=20now=20have=20ownership=20=F0=9F=98=81?=
MIME-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=UTF-8
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit

---
 .gitignore                 |   5 +-
 README.md                  |   5 +-
 app/__init__.py            |   2 +-
 app/sprawler/__init__.py   |  31 +++++++
 app/sprawler/add_emails.py |  96 ++++++++++++++++++++++
 app/sprawler/quickstart.py |  84 -------------------
 app/sprawler/worker.py     | 162 +++++++++++++++++++------------------
 7 files changed, 219 insertions(+), 166 deletions(-)
 create mode 100644 app/sprawler/__init__.py
 create mode 100644 app/sprawler/add_emails.py
 delete mode 100644 app/sprawler/quickstart.py

diff --git a/.gitignore b/.gitignore
index 83c1271..a81d17d 100644
--- a/.gitignore
+++ b/.gitignore
@@ -1,4 +1,6 @@
 credentials
+List of all emails
+emails.json
 
 # Byte-compiled / optimized / DLL files
 __pycache__/
@@ -84,6 +86,3 @@ celerybeat-schedule
 venv/
 ENV/
 .DS_Store
-
-# Authentication Tokens
-*.json
diff --git a/README.md b/README.md
index 2eb1521..f807531 100644
--- a/README.md
+++ b/README.md
@@ -24,7 +24,10 @@ $ export ERRORS_TO=<SLACK_USER_TO_SEND_ERRORS_TO>
 ```
 
 Before running you need to setup the database and populate it by running the sprawler on the OPs spreadsheet with your email credentials
-on it.
+on it. To run the sprawler, you need credentials. To get these, you need to setup a project on the Google Developers Console. 
+Follow this guide https://developers.google.com/sheets/api/quickstart/python and copy the credentials file you download 
+to app/sprawler/credentials as sakabot-cred.json. Copy the client email value in the credentials file you got and share 
+the spreadsheet with that email.
 
 ### Deployment
 To deploy on heroku, you need to push setup the app on heroku, add the appropriate configs(see installing section), set up a
diff --git a/app/__init__.py b/app/__init__.py
index 0fa99e4..c9e5267 100644
--- a/app/__init__.py
+++ b/app/__init__.py
@@ -3,7 +3,7 @@
 from app.config import MONGODB_URI, BOT_TOKEN
 
 mongodb_client = MongoClient(MONGODB_URI)
-db = mongodb_client.get_default_database()
+db = mongodb_client['saka']  # get_default_database()
 
 # db collection
 chargers = db.chargers
diff --git a/app/sprawler/__init__.py b/app/sprawler/__init__.py
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3ab865f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/app/sprawler/__init__.py
@@ -0,0 +1,31 @@
+import os
+from pymongo import MongoClient
+import gspread
+from oauth2client.service_account import ServiceAccountCredentials
+
+
+# Despite db being init in app.init we reinit here to avoid writing to
+# prod db. Could be better to have it config based
+
+mongodb_client = MongoClient()
+db = mongodb_client['saka']
+
+
+macbooks = db.macbooks
+thunderbolts = db.thunderbolts
+chargers = db.chargers
+
+
+# json credentials you downloaded earlier
+REL_PATH = '/credentials/sakabot-cred.json'
+HOME_DIR = os.path.dirname(os.path.abspath(__file__))
+CLIENT_SECRET_FILE = HOME_DIR + REL_PATH
+SPREADSHEET_ID = "19kvSslth-bCy0TaChIAYez1_AT1viIafYwWFwEhXhnA"
+SCOPE = ['https://spreadsheets.google.com/feeds',
+         "https://www.googleapis.com/auth/spreadsheets "]
+
+# get email and key from creds
+credentials = ServiceAccountCredentials.from_json_keyfile_name(
+    CLIENT_SECRET_FILE,
+    SCOPE)
+gsheet = gspread.authorize(credentials)  # authenticate with Google
diff --git a/app/sprawler/add_emails.py b/app/sprawler/add_emails.py
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c0d1998
--- /dev/null
+++ b/app/sprawler/add_emails.py
@@ -0,0 +1,96 @@
+import os
+import json
+from fuzzywuzzy import fuzz
+from app.sprawler import gsheet, db, macbooks, chargers, thunderbolts, SPREADSHEET_ID
+
+
+REL_PATH = '/emails.json'
+HOME_DIR = os.path.dirname(os.path.abspath(__file__))
+EMAILS_FILE = HOME_DIR + REL_PATH
+
+
+class Match():
+    '''
+    Best email match class
+    Inits with score, a levenshtein distance and email, the string with that
+    distancce
+    '''
+
+    def __init__(self, diff, email=None):
+        self.diff = diff
+        self.email = email
+
+    def __repr__(self):
+        return "<email:{} | diff: {}>".format(self.email, self.diff)
+
+
+def add_emails_to_db(collection):
+    '''
+    Add emails to equipment data in database
+    '''
+    equipments = collection.find()
+    with open(EMAILS_FILE, "r") as emails_file:
+        emails = emails_file.read()
+        emails = json.loads(emails)["results"]
+
+    # list of matches that weren't exact
+    not_exact_match = []
+    # because macbooks isn't a list we have num_macs.
+    num_macs = count = 0
+    for equipment in equipments:
+        num_macs += 1
+        # match object with initial diff
+        match = Match(-1)
+        for email in emails:
+            name = email["Andela Email"].split("@")[0]
+            diff = fuzz.token_sort_ratio(
+                equipment["owner_name"].replace("'", ""), name)
+            if diff > match.diff:
+                match.email = email["Andela Email"].strip()
+                match.diff = diff
+            if diff == 100:
+                count += 1
+                break
+        if match.diff != 100:
+            not_exact_match.append(
+                (match.email, equipment["owner_name"], match.diff))
+        collection.update_one(
+            equipment, {"$set": {"owner_email": match.email}})
+        equipment["owner_email"] = match.email
+        # print match.email, equipment["owner_name"], match.diff
+    print "Num equipment: " + str(num_macs)
+    print "100% matches: " + str(count)
+    print "Non-exact matches: {}".format(len(not_exact_match)), not_exact_match
+
+
+master_sheet = gsheet.open_by_key(SPREADSHEET_ID)  # open sheet
+
+
+def add_emails_to_sheet(sheet, col, equipments):
+    '''
+    Add emails to spreadsheet
+    Takes the sheet and the column to add the emails to
+    '''
+    # loop through equipment
+    for equipment in equipments:
+        email = equipment["owner_email"]
+
+        # find row of sheet with equipment_id eg. row with 'AND/TMAC/41'
+        row = sheet.find(equipment["equipment_id"]).row
+        if row:
+            # add email
+            sheet.update_cell(row, col, email)
+
+
+if __name__ == "__main__":
+    print "MACBOOKS"
+    add_emails_to_db(macbooks)
+    print "CHARGERS"
+    add_emails_to_db(chargers)
+    print "THUNDERBOLTS"
+    add_emails_to_db(thunderbolts)
+    add_emails_to_sheet(master_sheet.get_worksheet(0),
+                        6, macbooks.find())  
+
+    add_emails_to_sheet(master_sheet.get_worksheet(1), 4, chargers.find())
+    add_emails_to_sheet(master_sheet.get_worksheet(2), 4, thunderbolts.find())
diff --git a/app/sprawler/quickstart.py b/app/sprawler/quickstart.py
deleted file mode 100644
index 81fcb19..0000000
--- a/app/sprawler/quickstart.py
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,84 +0,0 @@
-
-from __future__ import print_function
-import httplib2
-import os
-
-from apiclient import discovery
-from oauth2client import client
-from oauth2client import tools
-from oauth2client.file import Storage
-
-try:
-    import argparse
-    flags = argparse.ArgumentParser(parents=[tools.argparser]).parse_args()
-except ImportError:
-    flags = None
-
-# If modifying these scopes, delete your previously saved credentials
-# at ~/.credentials/sheets.googleapis.com-python-quickstart.json
-SCOPES = 'https://www.googleapis.com/auth/spreadsheets.readonly'
-CLIENT_SECRET_FILE = '../client_secret.json'
-APPLICATION_NAME = 'Google Sheets API Python Quickstart'
-
-
-def get_credentials():
-    """Gets valid user credentials from storage.
-
-    If nothing has been stored, or if the stored credentials are invalid,
-    the OAuth2 flow is completed to obtain the new credentials.
-
-    Returns:
-        Credentials, the obtained credential.
-    """
-    home_dir = os.path.expanduser('~')
-    credential_dir = os.path.join(home_dir, '.credentials')
-    if not os.path.exists(credential_dir):
-        os.makedirs(credential_dir)
-    credential_path = os.path.join(
-                        credential_dir,
-                        'sheets.googleapis.com-python-quickstart.json')
-
-    store = Storage(credential_path)
-    credentials = store.get()
-    if not credentials or credentials.invalid:
-        flow = client.flow_from_clientsecrets(CLIENT_SECRET_FILE, SCOPES)
-        flow.user_agent = APPLICATION_NAME
-        if flags:
-            credentials = tools.run_flow(flow, store, flags)
-        else:  # Needed only for compatibility with Python 2.6
-            credentials = tools.run(flow, store)
-        print('Storing credentials to ' + credential_path)
-    return credentials
-
-
-def main():
-    """Shows basic usage of the Sheets API.
-
-    Creates a Sheets API service object and prints the names and majors of
-    students in a sample spreadsheet:
-    https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1BxiMVs0XRA5nFMdKvBdBZjgmUUqptlbs74OgvE2upms/edit
-    """
-    credentials = get_credentials()
-    http = credentials.authorize(httplib2.Http())
-    discoveryUrl = ('https://sheets.googleapis.com/$discovery/rest?'
-                    'version=v4')
-    service = discovery.build('sheets', 'v4', http=http,
-                              discoveryServiceUrl=discoveryUrl)
-
-    spreadsheetId = '1BxiMVs0XRA5nFMdKvBdBZjgmUUqptlbs74OgvE2upms'
-    rangeName = 'Class Data!A2:E'
-    result = service.spreadsheets().values().get(
-        spreadsheetId=spreadsheetId, range=rangeName).execute()
-    values = result.get('values', [])
-
-    if not values:
-        print('No data found.')
-    else:
-        print('Name, Major:')
-        for row in values:
-            # Print columns A and E, which correspond to indices 0 and 4.
-            print('%s, %s' % (row[0], row[4]))
-
-
-if __name__ == '__main__':
-    main()
diff --git a/app/sprawler/worker.py b/app/sprawler/worker.py
index 7171aaf..a0f00a8 100644
--- a/app/sprawler/worker.py
+++ b/app/sprawler/worker.py
@@ -1,82 +1,90 @@
 import os
-import gspread
-from oauth2client.service_account import ServiceAccountCredentials
-from pymongo import MongoClient
-import pymongo
-
-sheet_list = []
-# json credentials you downloaded earlier
-rel_path = '/credentials/sakabot-cred.json'
-home_dir = os.path.dirname(os.path.abspath(__file__))
-CLIENT_SECRET_FILE = home_dir + rel_path
-SCOPE = ['https://spreadsheets.google.com/feeds']
-
-# get email and key from creds
-cred = ServiceAccountCredentials.from_json_keyfile_name(CLIENT_SECRET_FILE,
-                                                        SCOPE)
-
-gsheet = gspread.authorize(cred)  # authenticate with Google
-master_sheet = gsheet.open_by_key(
-    "1lJ4VUcP1t7kXZNtdVBlfgNDpXVrg--vSlA0iL7H5b4E")  # open sheet
-
-macbook_sheet = master_sheet.get_worksheet(0)
-charger_sheet = master_sheet.get_worksheet(1)
-thunderbolt_sheet = master_sheet.get_worksheet(2)
-
-macbook_data = macbook_sheet.get_all_records()
-charger_data = charger_sheet.get_all_records()
-thunderbolt_data = thunderbolt_sheet.get_all_records()
-
-macbook_search_data = []
-charger_search_data = []
-thunderbolt_search_data = []
-
-
-def populate_search_data(list_of_dictionaries, search_list):
-    print "Searching", macbook_data, charger_data, thunderbolt_data
-    for records in list_of_dictionaries:
-        parsed_data = {records['Andela Code']: records['Fellow Name']}
-        search_list.append(parsed_data)
-    return search_list
-
-mongodb_client = MongoClient()
-db = mongodb_client['saka']
-
-macbooks = db.macbooks
-thunderbolts = db.thunderbolts
-chargers = db.chargers
-
-macbooks.create_index([('equipment_id', pymongo.TEXT)], unique=True)
-chargers.create_index([('equipment_id', pymongo.TEXT)], unique=True)
-thunderbolts.create_index([('equipment_id', pymongo.TEXT)], unique=True)
-
-def store_in_db():
-    for item in macbook_data:
-        macbook = {
-        "equipment_id": int(item['Andela Code'].split("/")[-1]),
-        "fellow_name": item['Fellow Name'],
-        "serial_no": item['Device Serial']
-        }
-        macbooks.insert_one(macbook)
-    print "Inserted macbooks"
-    for item in charger_data:
-        charger = {
-        "equipment_id": int(item['Andela Code'].split("/")[-1]),
-        "fellow_name": item['Fellow Name']
-        }
-        chargers.insert_one(charger)
-
-    print "Inserted chargers"
-
-    for item in thunderbolt_data:
-        if item['Andela Code']:
-            thunderbolt = {
-            "equipment_id": int(item['Andela Code'].split("/")[-1]),
-            "fellow_name": item['Fellow Name']
+from app.sprawler import gsheet, macbooks, chargers, thunderbolts, SPREADSHEET_ID
+
+
+def retrieve_data_from_spreadsheet():
+    master_sheet = gsheet.open_by_key(SPREADSHEET_ID)  # open sheet
+
+    # get respective sheets
+    macbook_sheet = master_sheet.get_worksheet(0)
+    charger_sheet = master_sheet.get_worksheet(1)
+    thunderbolt_sheet = master_sheet.get_worksheet(2)
+
+    # take the relevant rows from each sheet
+    macbook_data = macbook_sheet.range("C4:E" + str(macbook_sheet.row_count))
+    charger_data = charger_sheet.range("B4:C" + str(charger_sheet.row_count))
+    thunderbolt_data = thunderbolt_sheet.range(
+        "B4:C" + str(thunderbolt_sheet.row_count))
+
+    return {
+        "macbook": format_data(macbook_data, "macbook"),
+        "charger": format_data(charger_data, "charger"),
+        "thunderbolt": format_data(thunderbolt_data, "thunderbolt")
+    }
+
+
+def format_data(sheet_data, sheet_name):
+    '''
+    Format the data gotten from the spreadsheet
+    '''
+    # number of columns of data we got from each sheet
+    chunks = {"macbook": 3, "charger": 2, "thunderbolt": 2}
+    new_data = []
+    if sheet_name not in chunks:
+        raise ValueError
+        return
+
+    for indx in xrange(0, len(sheet_data), chunks[sheet_name]):
+        row = sheet_data[indx:indx + chunks[sheet_name]]
+
+        # if the column is empty go to the next item in list
+        if not row[0].value:
+            continue
+
+        if sheet_name == "macbook":
+            equipment = {
+                "equipment_id": row[0].value.strip(),
+                "serial_no": row[1].value,
+                "owner_name": row[2].value.strip()
             }
-            thunderbolts.insert_one(thunderbolt)
+        else:
+            equipment = {
+                "equipment_id": row[0].value.strip(),
+                "owner_name": row[1].value.strip()
+            }
+
+        new_data.append(equipment)
+
+    return new_data
+
+
+# drop that db down low
+macbooks.drop()
+chargers.drop()
+thunderbolts.drop()
+
+
+def store_in_db(collection_name, data):
+    '''
+    Store data in specified db
+    '''
+    collections = {
+        "macbook": macbooks,
+        "charger": chargers,
+        "thunderbolt": thunderbolts
+    }
+    if collection_name not in collections:
+        raise ValueError
+        return
+
+    collection = collections[collection_name]
+    collection.insert_many(data)
+    print "Inserted {}".format(collection)
 
-    print "Inserted thunderbolts"
 
 if __name__ == "__main__":
-    store_in_db()
\ No newline at end of file
+    data = retrieve_data_from_spreadsheet()
+    for key in data:
+        print data[key]
+        store_in_db(key, data[key])
+    print "Om nom nom nom"

From 659c9c11ba1dadd7d95d6bbcfe6a3cda5091ff5a Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001
From: Ryan Marvin <marvinryan@ymail.com>
Date: Sat, 10 Jun 2017 18:05:48 +0300
Subject: [PATCH 20/24] [Fix] Change field name in database

---
 app/__init__.py            |  2 +-
 app/config.py              |  3 ++-
 app/core.py                | 10 ++++-----
 app/sprawler/__init__.py   | 13 ------------
 app/sprawler/add_emails.py |  4 ++--
 app/sprawler/worker.py     | 42 ++++++++++++++++++++------------------
 6 files changed, 32 insertions(+), 42 deletions(-)

diff --git a/app/__init__.py b/app/__init__.py
index c9e5267..0fa99e4 100644
--- a/app/__init__.py
+++ b/app/__init__.py
@@ -3,7 +3,7 @@
 from app.config import MONGODB_URI, BOT_TOKEN
 
 mongodb_client = MongoClient(MONGODB_URI)
-db = mongodb_client['saka']  # get_default_database()
+db = mongodb_client.get_default_database()
 
 # db collection
 chargers = db.chargers
diff --git a/app/config.py b/app/config.py
index d57c7f4..2c121e0 100644
--- a/app/config.py
+++ b/app/config.py
@@ -1,4 +1,5 @@
 import os
 # slack bot token
 BOT_TOKEN = os.getenv("BOT_TOKEN")
-MONGODB_URI = os.getenv('MONGODB_URI')
+# get from env or use default mongo uri
+MONGODB_URI = os.getenv('MONGODB_URI') or "mongodb://127.0.0.1:27017/saka"
diff --git a/app/core.py b/app/core.py
index 8eeea68..2ae86bf 100644
--- a/app/core.py
+++ b/app/core.py
@@ -7,9 +7,9 @@ def get_equipment(equipment_id, equipment_type):
     '''
     equipment = None
     if equipment_type in ["mac", "tmac", "macbook"]:
-        equipment = chargers.find_one({"equipment_id": equipment_id})
-    elif equipment_type in ["charger", "charge", "procharger"]:
         equipment = macbooks.find_one({"equipment_id": equipment_id})
+    elif equipment_type in ["charger", "charge", "procharger"]:
+        equipment = chargers.find_one({"equipment_id": equipment_id})
     elif equipment_type in ["tb", "thunderbolt", "thunder"]:
         equipment = thunderbolts.find_one({"equipment_id": equipment_id})
 
@@ -83,8 +83,8 @@ def build_search_reply_atachment(equipment, category):
     Returns a slack attachment to show a result
     '''
     return [{
-        "text": "That {} belongs to {}".format(category, equipment["fellow_name"]),
-                "fallback": "Equipment ID - {} | Owner - {}".format(equipment["equipment_id"], equipment["fellow_name"]),
+        "text": "That {} belongs to {}".format(category, equipment["owner_name"]),
+                "fallback": "Equipment ID - {} | Owner - {}".format(equipment["equipment_id"], equipment["owner_name"]),
                 "color": "#4B719C",
                 "fields": [
                     {
@@ -94,7 +94,7 @@ def build_search_reply_atachment(equipment, category):
                     },
                     {
                         "title": "Owner",
-                        "value": "{}".format(equipment["fellow_name"]),
+                        "value": "{}".format(equipment["owner_name"]),
                         "short": "true"
                     }
         ]
diff --git a/app/sprawler/__init__.py b/app/sprawler/__init__.py
index 3ab865f..795a88a 100644
--- a/app/sprawler/__init__.py
+++ b/app/sprawler/__init__.py
@@ -1,21 +1,8 @@
 import os
-from pymongo import MongoClient
 import gspread
 from oauth2client.service_account import ServiceAccountCredentials
 
 
-# Despite db being init in app.init we reinit here to avoid writing to
-# prod db. Could be better to have it config based
-
-mongodb_client = MongoClient()
-db = mongodb_client['saka']
-
-
-macbooks = db.macbooks
-thunderbolts = db.thunderbolts
-chargers = db.chargers
-
-
 # json credentials you downloaded earlier
 REL_PATH = '/credentials/sakabot-cred.json'
 HOME_DIR = os.path.dirname(os.path.abspath(__file__))
diff --git a/app/sprawler/add_emails.py b/app/sprawler/add_emails.py
index c0d1998..c308a70 100644
--- a/app/sprawler/add_emails.py
+++ b/app/sprawler/add_emails.py
@@ -1,8 +1,8 @@
 import os
 import json
 from fuzzywuzzy import fuzz
-from app.sprawler import gsheet, db, macbooks, chargers, thunderbolts, SPREADSHEET_ID
-
+from app.sprawler import gsheet, SPREADSHEET_ID
+from app import macbooks, chargers, thunderbolts
 
 REL_PATH = '/emails.json'
 HOME_DIR = os.path.dirname(os.path.abspath(__file__))
diff --git a/app/sprawler/worker.py b/app/sprawler/worker.py
index a0f00a8..cf97920 100644
--- a/app/sprawler/worker.py
+++ b/app/sprawler/worker.py
@@ -1,5 +1,5 @@
-import os
-from app.sprawler import gsheet, macbooks, chargers, thunderbolts, SPREADSHEET_ID
+from app.sprawler import gsheet, SPREADSHEET_ID
+from app import macbooks, chargers, thunderbolts
 
 
 def retrieve_data_from_spreadsheet():
@@ -11,10 +11,11 @@ def retrieve_data_from_spreadsheet():
     thunderbolt_sheet = master_sheet.get_worksheet(2)
 
     # take the relevant rows from each sheet
-    macbook_data = macbook_sheet.range("C4:E" + str(macbook_sheet.row_count))
-    charger_data = charger_sheet.range("B4:C" + str(charger_sheet.row_count))
-    thunderbolt_data = thunderbolt_sheet.range(
-        "B4:C" + str(thunderbolt_sheet.row_count))
+    macbook_data = macbook_sheet.range("C4:F" + str(macbook_sheet.row_count))
+    charger_data = charger_sheet.range("B4:D" + str(charger_sheet.row_count))
+    thunderbolt_data = thunderbolt_sheet.range("B4:D" + str(
+        thunderbolt_sheet.row_count
+    ))
 
     return {
         "macbook": format_data(macbook_data, "macbook"),
@@ -25,32 +26,37 @@ def retrieve_data_from_spreadsheet():
 
 def format_data(sheet_data, sheet_name):
     '''
-    Format the data gotten from the spreadsheet
+    Format the data gotten from the spreadsheet to json
     '''
     # number of columns of data we got from each sheet
-    chunks = {"macbook": 3, "charger": 2, "thunderbolt": 2}
+    chunks = {"macbook": 4, "charger": 3, "thunderbolt": 3}
     new_data = []
     if sheet_name not in chunks:
         raise ValueError
         return
 
+    # sheet data is not grouped into rows so we group them into rows
+    # then build the json objects
     for indx in xrange(0, len(sheet_data), chunks[sheet_name]):
+        #  chunks[sheet_name] is the size of a row / differing for each sheet
         row = sheet_data[indx:indx + chunks[sheet_name]]
 
-        # if the column is empty go to the next item in list
+        # if the column with equipment_id is empty go to the next item in list
         if not row[0].value:
             continue
 
         if sheet_name == "macbook":
             equipment = {
-                "equipment_id": row[0].value.strip(),
+                "equipment_id": int(row[0].value.strip().split("/")[-1]),
                 "serial_no": row[1].value,
-                "owner_name": row[2].value.strip()
+                "owner_name": row[2].value.strip(),
+                "owner_email": row[3].value.strip()
             }
         else:
             equipment = {
-                "equipment_id": row[0].value.strip(),
-                "owner_name": row[1].value.strip()
+                "equipment_id": int(row[0].value.strip().split("/")[-1]),
+                "owner_name": row[1].value.strip(),
+                "owner_email": row[2].value.strip()
             }
 
         new_data.append(equipment)
@@ -58,12 +64,6 @@ def format_data(sheet_data, sheet_name):
     return new_data
 
 
-# drop that db down low
-macbooks.drop()
-chargers.drop()
-thunderbolts.drop()
-
-
 def store_in_db(collection_name, data):
     '''
     Store data in specified db
@@ -78,6 +78,8 @@ def store_in_db(collection_name, data):
         return
 
     collection = collections[collection_name]
+    # drop that db down low
+    collection.drop()
     collection.insert_many(data)
     print "Inserted {}".format(collection)
 
@@ -87,4 +89,4 @@ def store_in_db(collection_name, data):
     for key in data:
         print data[key]
         store_in_db(key, data[key])
-    print "Om nom nom nom"
+    print "Om nom nom nom..."

From 5bb822ee6611e6bc440874a04a82eb1baa85b136 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001
From: Ryan Marvin <marvinryan@ymail.com>
Date: Tue, 13 Jun 2017 16:17:40 +0300
Subject: [PATCH 21/24] [Feature] Add get_slack_handles

---
 Aptfile                                       |  1 +
 app/__init__.py                               |  1 +
 app/{sprawler => utils}/__init__.py           |  0
 app/{sprawler => utils}/add_emails.py         |  4 +-
 app/utils/get_slack_handles.py                | 38 +++++++++++++++++++
 app/{sprawler/worker.py => utils/sprawler.py} | 12 ++++--
 6 files changed, 50 insertions(+), 6 deletions(-)
 create mode 100644 Aptfile
 rename app/{sprawler => utils}/__init__.py (100%)
 rename app/{sprawler => utils}/add_emails.py (96%)
 create mode 100644 app/utils/get_slack_handles.py
 rename app/{sprawler/worker.py => utils/sprawler.py} (89%)

diff --git a/Aptfile b/Aptfile
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4426161
--- /dev/null
+++ b/Aptfile
@@ -0,0 +1 @@
+fortune
\ No newline at end of file
diff --git a/app/__init__.py b/app/__init__.py
index 0fa99e4..a44660d 100644
--- a/app/__init__.py
+++ b/app/__init__.py
@@ -11,6 +11,7 @@
 thunderbolts = db.thunderbolts
 lost = db.lost
 found = db.found
+slack_handles = db.slack_handles
 
 # slack client
 slack_client = SlackClient(BOT_TOKEN)
diff --git a/app/sprawler/__init__.py b/app/utils/__init__.py
similarity index 100%
rename from app/sprawler/__init__.py
rename to app/utils/__init__.py
diff --git a/app/sprawler/add_emails.py b/app/utils/add_emails.py
similarity index 96%
rename from app/sprawler/add_emails.py
rename to app/utils/add_emails.py
index c308a70..c6f205c 100644
--- a/app/sprawler/add_emails.py
+++ b/app/utils/add_emails.py
@@ -1,7 +1,7 @@
 import os
 import json
 from fuzzywuzzy import fuzz
-from app.sprawler import gsheet, SPREADSHEET_ID
+from app.utils import gsheet, SPREADSHEET_ID
 from app import macbooks, chargers, thunderbolts
 
 REL_PATH = '/emails.json'
@@ -90,7 +90,7 @@ def add_emails_to_sheet(sheet, col, equipments):
     print "THUNDERBOLTS"
     add_emails_to_db(thunderbolts)
     add_emails_to_sheet(master_sheet.get_worksheet(0),
-                        6, macbooks.find())  
+                        6, macbooks.find())
 
     add_emails_to_sheet(master_sheet.get_worksheet(1), 4, chargers.find())
     add_emails_to_sheet(master_sheet.get_worksheet(2), 4, thunderbolts.find())
diff --git a/app/utils/get_slack_handles.py b/app/utils/get_slack_handles.py
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7ab7c5f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/app/utils/get_slack_handles.py
@@ -0,0 +1,38 @@
+from app import slack_client, slack_handles
+
+
+def fetch_all_slack_handles():
+    '''
+    Fetch all ids of everyone on slack
+    Return a dictionary with the email as the key and the slack id as the value
+    '''
+    users = slack_client.api_call('users.list')["members"]
+    formatted_users_list = {}
+    for user in users:
+        if "email" in user["profile"]:
+            email = user["profile"]["email"]
+            formatted_users_list[email] = user["id"]
+
+    return formatted_users_list
+
+
+slack_ids = fetch_all_slack_handles()
+
+
+def get_slack_handles(collection):
+    '''
+    Get slack handles using email from slack and store in db
+    '''
+    for equipment in collection:
+        email = equipment["owner_email"]
+        # if the slack handle associated with that email isn't
+        # in the collection
+        if email and not slack_handles.find({"email": email}).count():
+            # check that the owner email is in the collection
+            if email in slack_ids:
+                slack_handles.insert_one(
+                    {"email": email,
+                     "slack_id": slack_ids[email]
+                     })
+            else:
+                print "Is {} a non-Andelan? They're not on slack".format(email)
diff --git a/app/sprawler/worker.py b/app/utils/sprawler.py
similarity index 89%
rename from app/sprawler/worker.py
rename to app/utils/sprawler.py
index cf97920..1e32f09 100644
--- a/app/sprawler/worker.py
+++ b/app/utils/sprawler.py
@@ -1,4 +1,5 @@
-from app.sprawler import gsheet, SPREADSHEET_ID
+from app.utils import gsheet, SPREADSHEET_ID
+from app.utils.get_slack_handles import get_slack_handles
 from app import macbooks, chargers, thunderbolts
 
 
@@ -81,12 +82,15 @@ def store_in_db(collection_name, data):
     # drop that db down low
     collection.drop()
     collection.insert_many(data)
-    print "Inserted {}".format(collection)
 
 
 if __name__ == "__main__":
     data = retrieve_data_from_spreadsheet()
     for key in data:
-        print data[key]
         store_in_db(key, data[key])
-    print "Om nom nom nom..."
+        print "Added data to {} collection".format(key)
+        print "-" * 60
+        get_slack_handles(data[key])
+        print "Retrieved slack handles for {} ".format(key)
+        print "-" * 60
+    print "Om nom nom nom... Done"

From dc7d36134160e2c2364a82453c8040c2f75be1ae Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001
From: Ryan Marvin <marvinryan@ymail.com>
Date: Tue, 13 Jun 2017 18:25:56 +0300
Subject: [PATCH 22/24] [Feature] Add fancier loading messages

---
 Aptfile                 | 1 -
 app/config.py           | 1 +
 app/handlers.py         | 6 +++++-
 app/utils/fortunes.json | 1 +
 4 files changed, 7 insertions(+), 2 deletions(-)
 delete mode 100644 Aptfile
 create mode 100644 app/utils/fortunes.json

diff --git a/Aptfile b/Aptfile
deleted file mode 100644
index 4426161..0000000
--- a/Aptfile
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1 +0,0 @@
-fortune
\ No newline at end of file
diff --git a/app/config.py b/app/config.py
index 2c121e0..6467311 100644
--- a/app/config.py
+++ b/app/config.py
@@ -1,4 +1,5 @@
 import os
+HOME_DIR = os.path.dirname(os.path.abspath(__file__))
 # slack bot token
 BOT_TOKEN = os.getenv("BOT_TOKEN")
 # get from env or use default mongo uri
diff --git a/app/handlers.py b/app/handlers.py
index 9f21937..0a5fae3 100644
--- a/app/handlers.py
+++ b/app/handlers.py
@@ -5,6 +5,10 @@
 import json
 from slackbot.bot import respond_to
 from app.core import get_equipment, loading_messages, build_search_reply_atachment, add_lost_equipment, search_found_equipment, remove_from_lost, search_lost_equipment, add_found_equipment, notify_user_equipment_found, remove_from_found, get_help_message
+from app.config import HOME_DIR
+
+
+loading_messages = json.loads(open(HOME_DIR + "/utils/fortunes.json", "r").read())
 
 
 @respond_to('hello$|hi$|hey$|aloha$|bonjour$', re.IGNORECASE)
@@ -33,7 +37,7 @@ def gratitude_reply(message):
 @respond_to("(find|get|search|retrieve) (mac|tmac|macbook|charger|charge|procharger|tb|thunderbolt|thunder).*?(\d+)", re.IGNORECASE)
 def find_equipment(message, command, equipment_type, equipment_id):
     time.sleep(1)
-    message.reply(random.choice(loading_messages))
+    message.reply(random.choice(loading_messages)["quote"])
     time.sleep(2)
 
     attachments = []
diff --git a/app/utils/fortunes.json b/app/utils/fortunes.json
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ab0ca7e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/app/utils/fortunes.json
@@ -0,0 +1 @@
+[{"quote": "7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)\n\tThe Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National\n\tRedwood Forest.\n\n7:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)\n\tThe Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the\n\tMann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA \"critic\" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels qualified to judge\nthe work of creative men. There is logic in this; he is unbiased -- he hates\nall creative people equally.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damned\nthings is ample.\n\t\t-- Rebecca West\n"}, {"quote": "\nA critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.\n\t\t-- Whitney Balliett\n"}, {"quote": "\nA diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him\nwhat he meant.\n\t\t-- Wilson Mizner\n"}, {"quote": "\nA fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of\nmarble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tA hard-luck actor who appeared in one coloossal disaster after another\nfinally got a break, a broken leg to be exact.  Someone pointed out that it's\nthe first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA man paints with his brains and not with his hands.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tA musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a\nnew theatrical season.  \"Who am I to stone the first cast?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nA poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.\n\t\t-- Don Marquis\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tA shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to\nMadonna, a young puppy.  It hitched its waggin' to a star.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.\n\t\t-- Michael Winner, British film director\n"}, {"quote": "\nA true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother\ndrudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art.\n\t\t-- Shaw\n"}, {"quote": "\nA writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call\nwhat he writes fiction.\n\t\t-- William Faulkner\n"}, {"quote": "\nA yawn is a silent shout.\n\t\t-- G.K. Chesterton\n"}, {"quote": "\nActing is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.\n"}, {"quote": "\nActing is not very hard.  The most important things are to be able to laugh\nand cry.  If I have to cry, I think of my sex life.  And if I have to laugh,\nwell, I think of my sex life.\n\t\t-- Glenda Jackson\n"}, {"quote": "\nActors will happen even in the best-regulated families.\n"}, {"quote": "\nActresses will happen in the best regulated families.\n\t\t-- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford, \"The Entirely\n\t\tNew Cynic's Calendar\", 1905\n"}, {"quote": "\nAdding sound to movies would be like putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo.\n\t\t-- actress Mary Pickford, 1925\n"}, {"quote": "\nAdhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done something\nstrange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a decorous age.\n\t\t-- Ralph Waldo Emerson\n"}, {"quote": "\nAfter a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out. It was\nreplaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life more\nadvanced than the lichen family.\n\t\t-- Dave Barry, \"Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlex Haley was adopted!\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll art is but imitation of nature.\n\t\t-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.\n\t\t-- Marlon Brando\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAny fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to sell it.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"Are you police officers?\"\n\t\"No, ma'am.  We're musicians.\"\n\t\t-- The Blues Brothers\n"}, {"quote": "\nArt is a jealous mistress.\n\t\t-- Ralph Waldo Emerson\n"}, {"quote": "\nArt is a lie which makes us realize the truth.\n\t\t-- Picasso\n"}, {"quote": "\nArt is anything you can get away with.\n\t\t-- Marshall McLuhan.\n"}, {"quote": "\nArt is either plagiarism or revolution.\n\t\t-- Paul Gauguin\n"}, {"quote": "\nArt is Nature speeded up and God slowed down.\n\t\t-- Chazal\n"}, {"quote": "\nArt is the tree of life.  Science is the tree of death.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAs a goatherd learns his trade by goat, so a writer learns his trade by wrote.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAsking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a\nlamp-post how it feels about dogs.\n\t\t-- Christopher Hampton\n"}, {"quote": "\nAuthors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever\ndepths they were once able to plumb.\n\t\t-- Stanley Kaufman\n"}, {"quote": "\nAuthors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children.\n\t\t-- Michael Joseph, \"Observer\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nBahdges?  We don't need no stinkin' bahdges!\n\t\t-- \"The Treasure of Sierra Madre\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nBe regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent\nand original in your work.\n\t\t-- Flaubert\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeing a mime means never having to say you're sorry.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!\" <huff, huff>\n"}, {"quote": "\nBen, why didn't you tell me?\n\t\t-- Luke Skywalker\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence\"\n\t\t-- Time Bandits\n"}, {"quote": "\nBS:\tYou remind me of a man.\nB:\tWhat man?\nBS:\tThe man with the power.\nB:\tWhat power?\nBS:\tThe power of voodoo.\nB:\tVoodoo?\nBS:\tYou do.\nB:\tDo what?\nBS:\tRemind me of a man.\nB:\tWhat man?\nBS:\tThe man with the power...\n\t\t-- Cary Grant, \"The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nBurnt Sienna.  That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.\n\t\t-- Ken Weaver\n"}, {"quote": "\nBut if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable\nnowdays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.\n\t\t-- Leslie Stephen, \"Sketches from Cambridge\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nBut you shall not escape my iambics.\n\t\t-- Gaius Valerius Catullus\n"}, {"quote": "\nCan't act.  Slightly bald.  Also dances.\n\t\t-- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test.\n\t\t   Cerf/Navasky, \"The Experts Speak\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nClassical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.\n\t\t-- Kin Hubbard, \"Abe Martin's Sayings\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nDarth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDarth Vader!  Only you would be so bold!\n\t\t-- Princess Leia Organa\n"}, {"quote": "\nDid you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot\nthat shot down the Korean jet?  At one point he definitely states:\n\n\t\"Natasha!  First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and squirrel.\"\n\n\t\t-- ihuxw!tommyo\n"}, {"quote": "\nDisco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't everyone thank me at once!\n\t\t-- Han Solo\n"}, {"quote": "\nDustin Farnum:\tWhy, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats!\nOliver Herford:\tWonderful!  Wonderful!  Clever of you to think of it!\n\t\t-- Brian Herbert, \"Classic Comebacks\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nDying is easy.  Comedy is difficult.\n\t\t-- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed.\n"}, {"quote": "\nE.T. GO HOME!!!  (And take your Smurfs with you.)\n"}, {"quote": "\nEd Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.\n\t\t-- Fred Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nEeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!\n\t\t-- Bullwinkle Moose\n"}, {"quote": "\nElwood:  What kind of music do you get here ma'am?\nBarmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEver get the feeling that the world's on tape and one of the reels is missing?\n\t\t-- Rich Little\n"}, {"quote": "\nEveryone is in the best seat.\n\t\t-- John Cage\n"}, {"quote": "\nFame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an\nautograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.\n\t\t-- Marlo Thomas\n"}, {"quote": "\nFast ship?  You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?\n\t\t-- Han Solo\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"First things first -- but not necessarily in that order\"\n\t\t-- The Doctor, \"Doctor Who\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nFools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear.\n"}, {"quote": "\nForms follow function, and often obliterate it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3\n\nMIRACLE ON 42ND STREET:\n\tSanta Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and\n\ttries to make it big on Broadway.  Santa sings and dances his way\n\tinto your heart.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9\n\nTHE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS:\tJean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min.\n\n\tGodard's meditation on the topic has been described as\n\teverything from \"timeless\" to \"endless.\"  (Remade by Gene\n\tWilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.)\n"}, {"quote": "\nFORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL:\t\t#37\n\tCan you name the seven seas?\n\t\tAntartic, Artic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian,\n\t\tNorth Pacific, South Pacific.\n\tCan you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White?\n\t\tDoc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFremen add life to spice!\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\t\t\tFROM THE DESK OF\n\t\t\t\tDorothy Gale\n\n\tAuntie Em:\n\t\tHate you.\n\t\tHate Kansas.\n\t\tTaking the dog.\n\t\t\tDorothy\n"}, {"quote": "\nGauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on\nour heads tomorrow.  But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!\n\t\t-- Adventures of Asterix\n"}, {"quote": "\nGo ahead... make my day.\n\t\t-- Dirty Harry\n"}, {"quote": "\nGod help the troubadour who tries to be a star.  The more that you try\nto find success, the more that you will fail.\n\t\t-- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect\n"}, {"quote": "\nGod is really only another artist.  He invented the giraffe, the elephant\nand the cat.  He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things.\n\t\t-- Pablo Picasso\n"}, {"quote": "\nGod save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGood night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGovernor Tarkin.  I should have expected to find you holding Vader's\nleash.  I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board.\n\t\t-- Princess Leia Organa\n"}, {"quote": "\nGREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17):\n\nOn November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place\nof residence.\n"}, {"quote": "\nH. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L. Mencken --\nthere is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.\n\t\t-- Maxwell Bodenheim\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"Hawk, we're going to die.\"\n\t\"Never say die... and certainly never say we.\"\n\t\t-- M*A*S*H\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.\n\t\t-- John Mason Brown, drama critic\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.\n\t\t-- Jonathon Swift\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Hello,\" he lied.\n\t\t-- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent\n"}, {"quote": "\nHello.  Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine.  Will you\nplease have your master call my master at his convenience?  Thank you.\nThank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.\n\t\t-- \"The Rockford Files\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHi Jimbo.  Dennis.  Really appreciate the help on the income tax.  You wanna\nhelp on the audit now?\n\t\t-- \"The Rockford Files\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.\n\t\t-- Rex Reed\n"}, {"quote": "\nHoly Dilemma!  Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder?\nWill the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh?\n\n\tTune in again tomorrow:\n\tsame Bat-time, same Bat-channel!\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHummingbirds never remember the words to songs.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHumpty Dumpty was pushed.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI accept chaos.  I am not sure whether it accepts me.  I know some people\nare terrified of the bomb.  But then some people are terrified to be seen\ncarrying a modern screen magazine.  Experience teaches us that silence\nterrifies people the most.\n\t\t-- Bob Dylan\n"}, {"quote": "\nI always had a repulsive need to be something more than human.\n\t\t-- David Bowie\n"}, {"quote": "\nI am a deeply superficial person.\n\t\t-- Andy Warhol\n"}, {"quote": "\nI believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac\nthought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the\ntotal discrediting of the world of reality.\n\t\t-- Salvador Dali\n"}, {"quote": "\nI can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a\nnovel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.\n\t\t-- Fred Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nI didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything!\n                -- Bart Simpson\n"}, {"quote": "\nI didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions.  The curtain\nwas up.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI don't know anything about music.  In my line you don't have to.\n\t\t-- Elvis Presley\n"}, {"quote": "\nI dread success.  To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on\nearth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has\nsucceeded in his courtship.  I like a state of continual becoming, with a\ngoal in front and not behind.\n\t\t-- George Bernard Shaw\n"}, {"quote": "\nI had another dream the other day about music critics.  They were small\nand rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a\npainting by Goya.\n\t\t-- Stravinsky\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have a very strange feeling about this...\n\t\t-- Luke Skywalker\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show,\nwhich would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'.\"\n\t\t-- Dave Barry, \"The Wonders of Sharks on TV\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have had my television aerials removed.  It's the moral equivalent\nof a prostate operation.\n\t\t-- Malcolm Muggeridge\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole ____\b\b\b\bBODY!\n\t\t-- from \"Cerebus\" #82\n"}, {"quote": "\nI knew her before she was a virgin.\n\t\t-- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day\n"}, {"quote": "\nI never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they\ncould do was to go away.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI never made a mistake in my life.  I thought I did once, but I was wrong.\n\t\t-- Lucy Van Pelt\n"}, {"quote": "\nI often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.\n\t\t-- G. B. Shaw\n"}, {"quote": "\nI recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the\nreader.  But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if\nI find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.\n\t\t-- Stephen King\n"}, {"quote": "\nI remember Ulysses well...  Left one day for the post office to mail a letter,\nmet a blonde named Circe on the streetcar, and didn't come back for 20 years.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI saw Lassie.  It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid never\nspoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that deserve a series?\n"}, {"quote": "\nI stick my neck out for nobody.\n\t\t-- Humphrey Bogart, \"Casablanca\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six.  Mother took me to\nsee him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.\n\t\t-- Shirley Temple\n"}, {"quote": "\nI suggest a new strategy, Artoo: let the Wookie win.\n\t\t-- C3P0\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"I suppose you expect me to talk.\"\n\t\"No, Mr. Bond.  I expect you to die.\"\n\t\t-- Goldfinger\n"}, {"quote": "\nI think we're in trouble.\n\t\t-- Han Solo\n"}, {"quote": "\nI think...  I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.\n\t\t-- Escher\n"}, {"quote": "\nI truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything\nconstructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast\nand drown myself in the noise.\n\t\t-- Charles Schmid, the \"Tucson Murderer\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.\n\t\t-- Elvis Costello\n"}, {"quote": "\nI watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it\nin the room alone.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it.  If\npeople are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it.  It's the truth.\n\t\t-- Charlie Chaplin\n"}, {"quote": "\nI went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.  Great song.\n\t\t-- Fred Reuss\n"}, {"quote": "\nI WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula\nand Superman away.\n\t\t-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.  There's a\nknob called \"brightness\", but it doesn't seem to work.\n\t\t-- Gallagher\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'd just as soon kiss a Wookie.\n\t\t-- Princess Leia Organa\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'll be Grateful when they're Dead.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'll never get off this planet.\n\t\t-- Luke Skywalker\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on a sports jacket and take off my brain.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out\nwith twenty-eight years ago.\n\t\t-- Will Rogers\n"}, {"quote": "\nI've got a very bad feeling about this.\n\t\t-- Han Solo\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.\n\t\t-- Paul Beatty\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by some means abridged, it will soon\nfall into disuse.\n\t\t-- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three to a can.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf I had any humility I would be perfect.\n\t\t-- Ted Turner\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from\na laboratory jar at Harvard.\n\t\t-- Frank Sinatra\n\nAS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS.\n\t\t-- Frank Sinatra, telegram to \"Time\" magazine\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.\n\t\t-- Bob Hope\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf it ain't baroque, don't phiques it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf life is a stage, I want some better lighting.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient\nevidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.\n\t\t-- Fran Lebowitz, \"Metropolitan Life\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.\n\t\t-- Louis Armstrong\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you lose a son you can always get another, but there's only one\nMaltese Falcon.\n\t\t-- Sidney Greenstreet, \"The Maltese Falcon\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time someone pulls\nout a sword I'd like to see you get up there with your Bic.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's\nread by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves.\n\t\t-- Don Marquis\n"}, {"quote": "\nImitation is the sincerest form of television.\n\t\t-- Fred Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nImmature artists imitate, mature artists steal.\n\t\t-- Lionel Trilling\n"}, {"quote": "\nImmature poets imitate, mature poets steal.\n\t\t-- T.S. Eliot, \"Philip Massinger\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn Hollywood, all marriages are happy.  It's trying to live together\nafterwards that causes the problems.\n\t\t-- Shelley Winters\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.\n\t\t-- Rex Reed\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn just seven days, I can make you a man!\n\t\t-- The Rocky Horror Picture Show\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending\nyour left leg, it's modern architecture.\n\t\t-- Nancy Banks Smith\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn Oz, never say \"krizzle kroo\" to a Woozy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in\nthe proper order then why can't he?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been\ndead for two years.\n\t\t-- Tom Lehrer\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both\nincisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by\ntwelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.\n\t\t-- Rod Serling\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is up to us to produce better-quality movies.\n\t-- Lloyd Kaufman, producer of \"Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods\nto Grandmother's condo.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt looks like it's up to me to save our skins.  Get into that garbage chute,\nflyboy!\n\t\t-- Princess Leia Organa\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and\nthey'll come out for it.\n\t\t-- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood mogul\n\t\t   Harry Cohn\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,\nbut I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.\n\t\t-- Robert Benchley\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt'll be just like Beggars' Canyon back home.\n\t\t-- Luke Skywalker\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.\n\t\t-- Mick Jagger\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's clever, but is it art?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's from Casablanca.  I've been waiting all my life to use that line.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen, \"Play It Again, Sam\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"It's kind of fun to do the impossible.\"\n\t\t-- Walt Disney\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre.\n\t\t-- Sam Goldwyn\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's not easy, being green.\n\t\t-- Kermit the Frog\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips.\n\t\t-- Garfield\n"}, {"quote": "\nJames Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total\nindifference to public notice to be universally recognized.\n\t\t-- Tom Stoppard\n"}, {"quote": "\nJames McNeill Whistler's (painter of \"Whistler's Mother\")\nfailure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to\nremark in later life, \"If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a\nmajor general.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nJim, it's Grace at the bank.  I checked your Christmas Club account.\nYou don't have five-hundred dollars.  You have fifty.  Sorry, computer foul-up!\n\t\t-- \"The Rockford Files\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nJim, it's Jack.  I'm at the airport.  I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay\nyou the five-hundred I owe you.  Catch you next year when I get back!\n\t\t-- \"The Rockford Files\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nJim, this is Janelle.  I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and\nI gotta find a safe place for Daffy.  He loves you, Jim!  It's only two\ndays, and you'll see.  Great Danes are no problem!\n\t\t-- \"The Rockford Files\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nJim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's.  Some guy named Angel\nMartin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab.  And now he wants to charge it\nto you.  You gonna pay it?\n\t\t-- \"The Rockford Files\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nJOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!!\n\n(George and Ringo miffed.)\n"}, {"quote": "\nJust because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.\n\t\t-- Bob Dylan\n"}, {"quote": "\nJust close your eyes, tap your heels together three times, and think to\nyourself, `There's no place like home.'\n\t\t-- Glynda the Good\n"}, {"quote": "\nJust once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't\nimmune to bullets.\n\t\t-- The Brigadier, \"Dr. Who\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nLay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.\n\t\t-- S.J. Perelman\n"}, {"quote": "\nLensmen eat Jedi for breakfast.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was\ngoing on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then\nbeing unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLinus:\tHi!  I thought it was you.\n\tI've been watching you from way off...  You're looking great!\nSnoopy:\tThat's nice to know.\n\tThe secret of life is to look good at a distance.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLinus:\tI guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow.  Maybe\n\twe should think only about today.\nCharlie Brown:\n\tNo, that's giving up.  I'm still hoping that yesterday will get\n\tbetter.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLive fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.\n\t\t-- James Dean\n"}, {"quote": "\nLive from New York ... It's Saturday Night!\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove thy neighbor, tune thy piano.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLucy:\tDance, dance, dance.  That is all you ever do.\n\tCan't you be serious for once?\nSnoopy: She is right!  I think I had better think\n\tof the more important things in life!\n\t(pause)\n\tTomorrow!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nLuke, I'm yer father, eh.  Come over to the dark side, you hoser.\n\t\t-- Dave Thomas, \"Strange Brew\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nMaj. Bloodnok:\tSeagoon, you're a coward!\nSeagoon:\tOnly in the holiday season.\nMaj. Bloodnok:\tAh, another Noel Coward!\n"}, {"quote": "\nMandrell: \"You know what I think?\"\nDoctor:   \"Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you\n\t  don't think, right?\"\n\t\t-- Dr. Who\n"}, {"quote": "\nMany of the characters are fools and they are always playing\ntricks on me and treating me badly.\n\t\t-- Jorge Luis Borges, from \"Writers on Writing\" by Jon Winokur\n"}, {"quote": "\nMaryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on\nthe dance floor.  Now everyone's doing it.  It's called grand slam dancing.\n\t\t-- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83\n"}, {"quote": "\nMate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!\n\t\t-- Monty Python\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Microwave oven?  Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven?  I've been watching\nChannel 4 on the thing for two weeks.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nMight as well be frank, monsieur.  It would take a miracle to get you out\nof Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.\n\t\t-- Casablanca\n"}, {"quote": "\nMike:\t\"The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?\"\nBernie:\t\"Nobody ever empties the ashtrays.  People are SO inconsiderate.\"\n\t\t-- Gary Trudeau, \"Doonesbury\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nMinnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.\n"}, {"quote": "\nModern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade\nthemselves that they have a better idea.\n\t\t-- John Ciardi\n"}, {"quote": "\nMos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more wretched collection of\nvillainy and disreputable types...\n\t\t-- Obi-wan Kenobi, \"Star Wars\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nMr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary\nEtiquette.  We aren't going to call again!  Now you want these free\nlessons or what?\n\t\t-- \"The Rockford Files\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nMr. Rockford?  Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses.  We got your\nrenewal before the extended deadline but not your check.  I'm sorry but\nat midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator.\n\t\t-- \"The Rockford Files\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nMr. Rockford?  This is Betty Joe Withers.  I got four shirts of yours from\nthe Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake.  I don't know why they gave me men's\nshirts but they're going back.\n\t\t-- \"The Rockford Files\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nMr. Rockford?  You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you.  Could\nyou call me at...  My name is... uh...  Never mind, forget it!\n\t\t-- \"The Rockford Files\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.\n\t\t-- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's \"Grendel\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?\"\n\t-- MadameX\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.\n\t\t-- Peter Stack, movie review\n\nHis performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge.\n\t\t-- John Stark, movie review\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo Civil War picture ever made a nickel.\n\t\t-- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about\n\t\t   film rights to \"Gone With the Wind\".\n\t\t   Cerf/Navasky, \"The Experts Speak\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo house should ever be on any hill or on anything.  It should be of the hill,\nbelonging to it.\n\t\t-- Frank Lloyd Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of\nthem wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe\ntheir wish has been granted.\n\t\t-- W.H. Auden, \"The Dyer's Hand\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo two persons ever read the same book.\n\t\t-- Edmund Wilson\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'\"\n\t\t-- Dr. Who\n"}, {"quote": "\nNobody can be exactly like me.  Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.\n\t\t-- Tallulah Bankhead\n"}, {"quote": "\nNOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!\n"}, {"quote": "\nNoone ever built a statue to a critic.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNot all who own a harp are harpers.\n\t\t-- Marcus Terentius Varro\n"}, {"quote": "\nOh Dad!  We're ALL Devo!\n"}, {"quote": "\nOh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!\n"}, {"quote": "\nOld MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOld musicians never die, they just decompose.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOnce, I read that a man be never stronger than when he truly realizes how\nweak he is.\n\t\t-- Jim Starlin, \"Captain Marvel #31\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne big pile is better than two little piles.\n\t\t-- Arlo Guthrie\n"}, {"quote": "\nOprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest people to\ntalk to.  And you just HAVE to watch it.  \"Blind, masochistic minority,\ncrippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love\nthem too much on the next Oprah Winfrey.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tPenn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices.  No one else in\ntown could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople in general do not willingly read if they have anything else to\namuse them.\n\t\t-- S. Johnson\n"}, {"quote": "\nPerhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy poetry without a certain\nunsoundness of mind.\n\t\t-- Thomas Macaulay\n"}, {"quote": "\nPlato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia\nbecause they were liars.  The truth was that Plato knew philosophers\ncouldn't compete successfully with poets.\n\t\t-- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer), \"Venus on the Half Shell\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nPlaying an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table.\n\t\t-- Dave Barry, \"The Snake\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nPlease, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?\n"}, {"quote": "\nPlots are like girdles.  Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're\nof no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain\nan uncontainable experience.\n\t\t-- R.S. Knapp\n"}, {"quote": "\nPrizes are for children.\n\t\t-- Charles Ives, upon being given, but refusing, the\n\t\t   Pulitzer prize\n"}, {"quote": "\nPublic use of any portable music system is a virtually guaranteed indicator\nof sociopathic tendencies.\n\t\t-- Zoso\n"}, {"quote": "\nPublishing a volume of verse is like dropping a rose petal down the\nGrand Canyon and waiting for the echo.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRascal, am I?  Take THAT!\n\t\t-- Errol Flynn\n"}, {"quote": "\nRembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our\nextraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille.\n\t\t-- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic\n\t\t   Cerf/Navasky, \"The Experts Speak\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it.\"\n\t\t-- Dave Barry\n"}, {"quote": "\nSatire is tragedy plus time.\n\t\t-- Lenny Bruce\n"}, {"quote": "\nSatire is what closes in New Haven.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSatire is what closes Saturday night.\n\t\t-- George Kaufman\n"}, {"quote": "\n'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!\n\t\t-- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix\n"}, {"quote": "\nShe ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.\n\t\t-- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'.  I said, `That's nothing,\nyou should hear me play piano.'\"\n\t\t-- Morrisey\n"}, {"quote": "\nShe was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is\ngood at being short.\n\t\t-- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe\n"}, {"quote": "\nShhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet!  I'm hunting wabbits...\n"}, {"quote": "\nShow business is just like high school, except you get paid.\n\t\t-- Martin Mull\n"}, {"quote": "\nSir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable.\n\t\t-- C3P0\n"}, {"quote": "\nSkill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects\nsuch as wickerwork picnic baskets.  Imagination without skill gives us modern\nart.\n\t\t-- Tom Stoppard\n"}, {"quote": "\nSmile!  You're on Candid Camera.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSnakes.  Why did it have to be snakes?\n\t\t-- Indiana Jones, \"Raiders of the Lost Ark\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nSnoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome men who fear that they are playing second fiddle aren't in the\nband at all.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when\nyou finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even worse.\n\t\t-- Avery\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Spare no expense to save money on this one.\"\n\t\t-- Samuel Goldwyn\n"}, {"quote": "\nStar Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel;\nStar Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest\nscience fiction series of all time is Doctor Who!  And I'll take you all\non, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!\n\t\t-- Harlan Ellison\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"Surely you can't be serious.\"\n\t\"I am serious, and stop calling me Shirley.\"\n\t\t-- \"Airplane\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nTalking about music is like dancing about architecture.\n\t\t-- Laurie Anderson\n"}, {"quote": "\nTallulah Bankhead barged down the Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.\n\t\t-- John Mason Brown, drama critic\n"}, {"quote": "\nTelevision -- the longest amateur night in history.\n\t\t-- Robert Carson\n"}, {"quote": "\nTelevision has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs.\n\t-- Alfred Hitchcock\n"}, {"quote": "\nTelevision has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.\n\t\t-- Ann Landers\n"}, {"quote": "\nTelevision is a medium because anything well done is rare.\n\t\t-- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs\n"}, {"quote": "\nTelevision is now so desperately hungry for material that it is scraping\nthe top of the barrel.\n\t\t-- Gore Vidal\n"}, {"quote": "\nTen years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing.\n\t\t-- R. Geis\n"}, {"quote": "\nThat's no moon...\n\t\t-- Obi-wan Kenobi\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Angels want to wear my red shoes.\n\t\t-- E. Costello\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion --\nbut doesn't.\n\t\t-- Tom Crichton\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better\npeople, and don't come in clearly enough.\n\t\t-- Bill Maher\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly\ngreater than that of any other animals.  Some of their most esteemed\ninventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner party\nof more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics.\n\t\t-- H. L. Mencken\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe chief enemy of creativity is \"good\" sense\n\t\t-- Picasso\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe covers of this book are too far apart.\n\t\t-- Book review by Ambrose Bierce.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume.\n\t\t-- T.K.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe faster we go, the rounder we get.\n\t\t-- The Grateful Dead\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.\n\t\t-- Dorothy Parker\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Great Movie Posters:\n\nAn AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS!\n\t\t-- Squirm (1976)\n\nMost Movies Live Less Than Two Hours.\nThis Is One of Everlasting Torment!\n\t\t-- The New House on the Left (1977)\n\nWE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU!\n\t\t-- Zombie (1980)\n\nIt's not human and it's got an axe.\n\t\t-- The Prey (1981)\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Hollywood tradition I like best is called \"sucking up to the stars.\"\n\t\t-- Johnny Carson\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe horror... the horror!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for\nlists of \"Ten Best\".\n\t\t-- H. Allen Smith\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe human brain is a wonderful thing.  It starts working the moment\nyou are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.\n\t\t-- Sir George Jessel\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and\nhas gills through which it can see.\"\n\t\t-- Monty Python\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut.  To reveal\nan artist to the people can be to destroy him.  It isn't to anyone's\nadvantage to see the truth.\n\t\t-- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.\n\t\t-- Governor Tarkin\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.\n\t\t-- Nicol Williamson\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds\nis of course a shameful canard.  The key age has traditionally been\nmore like fourteen.\n\t\t-- Robert Christgau, \"Esquire\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe older I grow, the less important the comma becomes.  Let the reader\ncatch his own breath.\n\t\t-- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only \"ism\" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.\n\t\t-- Dorothy Parker\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.\n\t\t-- David Lardner\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid,\nstable business.\n\t\t-- John Steinbeck\n\t[Horse racing *is* a stable business ...]\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe story you are about to hear is true.  Only the names have been\nchanged to protect the innocent.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe streets were dark with something more than night.\n\t\t-- Raymond Chandler\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe sun never sets on those who ride into it.\n\t\t-- RKO\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths.\n\t\t-- Ken Kesey\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more\nannoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe ultimate game show will be the one where somebody gets killed at the end.\n\t\t-- Chuck Barris, creator of \"The Gong Show\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not\ndesigned for people who walk on their hands.\n\t\t-- John Irving, \"The World According to Garp\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need\nthe money; the second that you have something to say that you think the\nworld should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the\nlong winter evenings.\n\t\t-- Quentin Crisp\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are three rules for writing a novel.  Unfortunately, no one knows\nwhat they are.\n\t\t-- Somerset Maugham\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are two ways of disliking art.   One is to dislike it.  The other is\nto like it rationally.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the\nother is to read Pope.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.\n\t\t-- Darth Vader\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it is done in private\nand you wash your hands afterward.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and\nthat is not being talked about.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's nothing remarkable about it.  All one has to do is hit the right\nkeys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.\n\t\t-- J.S. Bach\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's nothing to writing.  All you do is sit at a typewriter and open a vein.\n\t\t-- Red Smith\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's something the technicians need to learn from the artists.\nIf it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.\n\t\t-- H. Allen Smith, \"Let the Crabgrass Grow\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThey can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!\n\t\t-- The Blues Brothers\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.\n(If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)\n\t\t-- Found on a door in the MSU music building\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis is the ____\b\b\b\bLAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis is the Baron.  Angel Martin tells me you buy information.  Ok,\nmeet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars\nand come alone.  I'm serious!\n\t\t-- \"The Rockford Files\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force.\n\t\t-- Dorothy Parker\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis unit... must... survive.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible.  This was terrible\nwith raisins in it.\n\t\t-- Dorothy Parker\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tThree actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene\nfrom Don Quixote for a local TV show.  \"I'll play the title role,\" proposed\nTom.  \"Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThree hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write.\n\t\t-- Trollope\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo be is to do.\n\t\t-- I. Kant\nTo do is to be.\n\t\t-- A. Sartre\nDo be a Do Bee!\n\t\t-- Miss Connie, Romper Room\nDo be do be do!\n\t\t-- F. Sinatra\nYabba-Dabba-Doo!\n\t\t-- F. Flintstone\n"}, {"quote": "\nToday you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures.\n"}, {"quote": "\nToday's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new\ncereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream.  Join us soon for more \nspectacular adventure starring...  Tippy, the Wonder Dog!\n\t\t-- Bob & Ray\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word\nexcept in major motion pictures.\"\n\t\t-- Dave Barry, \"$#$"}, {"quote": "#^"}, {"quote": "!^"}, {"quote": "&@"}, {"quote": "@!\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nTraveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.\n\t\t-- Han Solo\n"}, {"quote": "\nTrifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.\n\t\t-- Michelangelo\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nTV is chewing gum for the eyes.\n\t\t-- Frank Lloyd Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nUnprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking,\nunskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.\n\t\t-- Edward Gibbon\n"}, {"quote": "\nUse an accordion.  Go to jail.\n\t\t-- KFOG, San Francisco\n"}, {"quote": "\nUse what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds\nsang there except those that sang best.\n\t\t-- Henry Van Dyke\n"}, {"quote": "\nVery few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five.  The\nreason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of\nthirty-five.\n\t\t-- Joel Hildebrand\n"}, {"quote": "\nWatch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWatch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.\n\t\t-- Han Solo\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe don't like their sound.  Groups of guitars are on the way out.\n\t\t-- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe have art that we do not die of the truth.\n\t\t-- Nietzsche\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe'll be recording at the Paradise Friday night.  Live, on the Death label.\n\t\t-- Swan, \"Phantom of the Paradise\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe're only in it for the volume.\n\t\t-- Black Sabbath\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___\b\b\bcan*\nyou believe?!\"\n\t\t-- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet.\nThe rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily\nmaim or kill innocent little children.\"\n\t\"Oh, so you don't like it?\"\n\t\"Don't like it?  I'm CRAZY for it.\"\n\t\t-- The Killing Joke\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?\"\n\n\"Piece of cake, Master?  Radial slice of baked confection ... coefficient of\nrelevance to Key of Time: zero.\"\n\t\t-- Dr. Who\n"}, {"quote": "\nWharbat darbid yarbou sarbay?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat a bonanza!  An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script\nby Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary\nCooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them!\n\t\t-- David Niven, \"Bring On the Empty Horses\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat an artist dies with me!\n\t\t-- Nero\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat an author likes to write most is his signature on the back of a cheque.\n\t\t-- Brendan Francis\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"What are you watching?\"\n\t\"I don't know.\"\n\t\"Well, what's happening?\"\n\t\"I'm not sure...  I think the guy in the hat did something terrible.\"\n\t\"Why are you watching it?\"\n\t\"You're so analytical.  Sometimes you just have to let art flow\nover you.\"\n\t\t-- The Big Chill\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat did you bring that book I didn't want to be read to out of about\nDown Under up for?\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest fantasies?\"\n\t\"You keep it to yourself.\"\n\t\t-- Broadcast News\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat ever happened to happily ever after?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat garlic is to food, insanity is to art.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working\nwhen he's staring out the window.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"What was the worst thing you've ever done?\"\n\t\"I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that\never happened to me... the most dreadful thing.\"\n\t\t-- Peter Straub, \"Ghost Story\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen all else fails, try Kate Smith.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by\nreducing it to the question, \"How would the Lone Ranger handle this?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.\n\t\t-- Raymond Chandler\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts,\nshe paused to calculate and replied, \"Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind\nit less and less.\"\n\t\t-- Louise Andrews Kent\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhere is John Carson now that we need him?\n\t\t-- RLG\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhistler's mother is off her rocker.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWho is D.B. Cooper, and where is he now?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWho is John Galt?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWho is W.O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWho was that masked man?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWho's on first?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWho's scruffy-looking?\n\t\t-- Han Solo\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?\n\t\t-- Paul Simon\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'?  I could\nhave told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing.\"\n\t\t-- Ian Shoales\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tWhy are you doing this to me?\n\tBecause knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before\nthere is change.\n\t\t-- Jim Starlin, \"Captain Marvel\", #29\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy do we have two eyes?  To watch 3-D movies with.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail? \n\t\t-- The Tasmanian Devil\n"}, {"quote": "\nWorking with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.\n\t\t-- Christopher Plummer\n"}, {"quote": "\nWorth seeing?  Yes, but not worth going to see.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWould it help if I got out and pushed?\n\t\t-- Princess Leia Organa\n"}, {"quote": "\nWriting about music is like dancing about architecture.\n\t\t-- Frank Zappa\n"}, {"quote": "\nWriting free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.\n"}, {"quote": "\nX-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the\nimagination is the plot.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet.  I've got eight slugs in me.  One's lead,\nthe rest bourbon.  The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver.  I'm\na private eye.\n\t\t-- \"Calvin & Hobbes\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nYevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty feet.\n\t\t-- John Cheever\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"You boys lookin' for trouble?\"\n\t\"Sure.  Whaddya got?\"\n\t\t-- Marlon Brando, \"The Wild Ones\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou're all clear now, kid.  Now blow this thing so we can all go home.\n\t\t-- Han Solo\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks.\"\n\t\t-- Gary Giddens\n"}, {"quote": "\nZero Mostel: That's it baby!  When you got it, flaunt it!  Flaunt it!\n\t\t-- Mel Brooks, \"The Producers\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\t (  /\\__________/\\  )\n\t\t  \\(^ @___..___@ ^)/\n\t\t   /\\ (\\/\\/\\/\\/) /\\\n\t\t  /  \\(/\\/\\/\\/\\)/  \\\n\t\t-(    \"\"\"\"\"\"\"\"\"\"    )\n\t\t  \\      _____      /\n\t\t  (     /(   )\\     )\n\t\t  _)   (_V) (V_)   (_\n\t\t (V)(V)(V)   (V)(V)(V)\n"}, {"quote": "\n    ***\n  *******\n *********\n ****** Confucious say: \"Is stuffy inside fortune cookie.\"\n  *******\n    ***\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\t\t_-^--^=-_\n\t\t   _.-^^          -~_\n\t\t_--                  --_\n\t       <                        >)\n\t       |                         |\n\t\t\\._                   _./\n\t\t   ```--. . , ; .--'''\n\t\t\t | |   |\n\t\t      .-=||  | |=-.\n\t\t      `-=#$"}, {"quote": "&"}, {"quote": "$#=-'\n\t\t\t | ;  :|\n\t\t_____.,-#"}, {"quote": "&$@"}, {"quote": "#&#~,._____\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are here:   \n\t\t***\n\t\t***\n\t     *********\n\t      *******\n\t       *****\n\t\t***\n\t\t *\n\n\t\t But you're not all there.\n"}, {"quote": "\n!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I  !pleH\n"}, {"quote": "\n1: No code table for op: ++post\n"}, {"quote": "\n... A booming voice says, \"Wrong, cretin!\", and you notice that you\nhave turned into a pile of dust.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a\nsimple system that works.\n"}, {"quote": "\n[A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.\n\t\t-- Joseph Campbell\n"}, {"quote": "\nA computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention,\nwith the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequilla.\n\t-- Mitch Ratcliffe\n"}, {"quote": "\nA computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake\nwithout ketchup and mustard.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA CONS is an object which cares.\n\t\t-- Bernie Greenberg.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA debugged program is one for which you have not yet found the conditions\nthat make it fail.\n\t\t-- Jerry Ogdin\n"}, {"quote": "\nA formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.\n\t\t-- D. Gries\n"}, {"quote": "\nA Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA hacker does for love what others would not do for money.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is\nnot worth knowing.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program\nin than some that do.\n\t\t-- Dennis M. Ritchie\n"}, {"quote": "\nA large number of installed systems work by fiat.  That is, they work\nby being declared to work.\n\t\t-- Anatol Holt\n"}, {"quote": "\nA LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing.\n\t\t-- Alan Perlis\n"}, {"quote": "\nA list is only as strong as its weakest link.\n\t\t-- Don Knuth\n"}, {"quote": "\nA modem is a baudy house.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tA novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the\npower off and on.  Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly,\n\"You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding\nof what is going wrong.\"  Knight turned the machine off and on.  The\nmachine worked.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well\nschooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer.\n\t\t-- Donald Knuth\n"}, {"quote": "\nA programming language is low level when its programs require attention\nto the irrelevant.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen\nobjects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer\nscientists.  Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration\nneeded to \"make sense\" of such unnatural three dimensional objects.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA rolling disk gathers no MOS.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something\nundreamed of by its author.\n\t\t-- S. C. Johnson\n"}, {"quote": "\nA well-used door needs no oil on its hinges.\nA swift-flowing steam does not grow stagnant.\nNeither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum.\nSoftware rots if not used.\n\nThese are great mysteries.\n\t\t-- Geoffrey James, \"The Tao of Programming\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nA year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAbout the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt\nax.  It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.\n\t\t-- Edsger Dijkstra\n"}, {"quote": "\nAdding features does not necessarily increase functionality -- it just\nmakes the manuals thicker.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether\nmachines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about\nas relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim.\n\t\t-- Dijkstra\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlgol-60 surely must be regarded as the most important programming language\nyet developed.\n\t\t-- T. Cheatham\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll constants are variables.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll parts should go together without forcing.  You must remember that the parts\nyou are reassembling were disassembled by you.  Therefore, if you can't get\nthem together again, there must be a reason.  By all means, do not use a hammer.\n\t\t-- IBM maintenance manual, 1925\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned\nproducts, if they are built at all, are dogs!\"\n\t\t-- David E. Lundstrom, \"A Few Good Men From Univac\",\n\t\t   MIT Press, 1987\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll the simple programs have been written.\n"}, {"quote": "\n===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================\n\nBug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day.  Unfortunately,\nthis is only a small fraction [ < 1"}, {"quote": "\n===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================\n\nThe garbage collector now works.  In addition a new, experimental garbage \ncollection algorithm has been installed.  With SI:"}, {"quote": "DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17,\n(NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when \nvirtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself.  With SI:"}, {"quote": "GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user.\n"}, {"quote": "\n===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================\n\nThere has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR.\n\t(DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS)\n\t\t(PROG (V P LP)\n\t\t(SETQ P (LOCF V))\n\tL\t(SETQ LP LISTS)\n\t\t("}, {"quote": "START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)\n\tL1\t(OR LP (GO L2))\n\t\t(AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V))\n\t\t("}, {"quote": "PUSH (CAAR LP))\n\t\t(RPLACA LP (CDAR LP))\n\t\t(SETQ LP (CDR LP))\n\t\t(GO L1)\n\tL2\t("}, {"quote": "FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)\n\t\t(SETQ LP ("}, {"quote": "POP))\n\t\t(RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP)))\n\t\t(GO L)))\nWe hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll your files have been destroyed (sorry).  Paul.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlmost anything derogatory you could say about today's software design\nwould be accurate.\n\t\t-- K.E. Iverson\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn Ada exception is when a routine gets in trouble and says\n'Beam me up, Scotty'.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn algorithm must be seen to be believed.\n\t\t-- D.E. Knuth\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn elephant is a mouse with an operating system.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnd it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing\nwhat the dictionary says it means, you go to jail.  No exceptions.\n\t\t-- David Jones\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnd on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnother megabytes the dust.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAny given program will expand to fill available memory.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAny given program, when running, is obsolete.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAny program which runs right is obsolete.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAny programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAny sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.\n\t\t-- Rich Kulawiec\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you\nthat a sentence like \"You're one of those computer people, aren't you?\"\nis roughly equivalent to \"Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime\nmold!\" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress.\n\t\t-- Elizabeth Zwicky\n"}, {"quote": "\nAPL hackers do it in the quad.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAPL is a mistake, carried through to perfection.  It is the language of the\nfuture for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation\nof coding bums.\n\t\t-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5\n"}, {"quote": "\nAPL is a natural extension of assembler language programming;\n...and is best for educational purposes.\n\t\t-- A. Perlis\n"}, {"quote": "\nAPL is a write-only language.  I can write programs in APL, but I can't\nread any of them.\n\t\t-- Roy Keir\n"}, {"quote": "\nAre we running light with overbyte?\n"}, {"quote": "\nAround computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to\nmeasure progress.  Some cathedrals took a century to complete.  Can you\nimagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long?\n\t\t-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982\n"}, {"quote": "\nAs a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAs far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.\n\t\t-- Weisert\n"}, {"quote": "\nAs in certain cults it is possible to kill a process if you know its true name.\n\t\t-- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie\n"}, {"quote": "\nAs long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic \nschedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve \nThe Problem, saving the documentation for later.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAs of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10.\nPlease update your programs.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAs of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL.\nPlease update your programs.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAs of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAs part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs;\na process that traditionally requires some debugging.\n\t\t-- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service\n\t\t   conversion to a new computer system.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAs the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there\nis always a future in Computer Maintenance.\n\t\t-- National Lampoon, \"Deteriorata\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAs Will Rogers would have said, \"There is no such things as a free variable.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer.\n"}, {"quote": "\nASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAsk not for whom the <CONTROL-G>\u0007 tolls.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAssembly language experience is [important] for the maturity\nand understanding of how computers work that it provides.\n\t\t-- D. Gries\n"}, {"quote": "\nAsynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems.\n\t\t-- D. Winker and F. Prosser\n"}, {"quote": "\nAt first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on\nthe creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is\nquite untrue in practice.  Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather\nthan blinkers it.\n\t\t-- G.L. Glegg, \"The Design of Design\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAt Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial\nchallenge roughly comparable to herding cats.\n\t\t-- The Washington Post Magazine, 9 June, 1985\n"}, {"quote": "\nAt the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find\nat least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAvoid strange women and temporary variables.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBasic is a high level languish.  APL is a high level anguish.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing.\n\t\t-- Seymour Papert\n"}, {"quote": "\nBe careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBehind every great computer sits a skinny little geek.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.\n\t\t-- Donald Knuth\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.\n\t\t-- Leonard Brandwein\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but nothing of \ninterest is easy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeware the new TTY code!\n"}, {"quote": "\nBlinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies.\n\t\t-- David Nichols\n"}, {"quote": "\nBLISS is ignorance.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBoth models are identical in performance, functional operation, and\ninterface circuit details.  The two models, however, are not compatible\non the same communications line connection.\n\t\t-- Bell System Technical Reference\n"}, {"quote": "\nBrain fried -- Core dumped\n"}, {"quote": "\nBreadth-first search is the bulldozer of science.\n\t\t-- Randy Goebel\n"}, {"quote": "\nBringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may\nrevitalize the corner saloon.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBuild a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBuilding translators is good clean fun.\n\t\t-- T. Cheatham\n"}, {"quote": "\nBus error -- driver executed.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBus error -- please leave by the rear door.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBut in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the\nsystem, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,\nanalyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.\n\t\t-- Bruce Leverett, \"Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable computers?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nBy long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other\ndesigners in the thin disguise of good, clean fun.\n\t\t-- P.J. Plauger, \"Computer Language\", 1988, April\n\t\t   Fool's column.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then\ncarefully print the chaff.\n"}, {"quote": "\nByte your tongue.\n"}, {"quote": "\nC Code.\nC Code Run.\nRun, Code, RUN!\n\tPLEASE!!!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nC for yourself.\n"}, {"quote": "\nC makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot.  C++ makes that\nharder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.\n\t\t-- Bjarne Stroustrup\n"}, {"quote": "\nC'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique.\n\t\t-- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341]\n"}, {"quote": "\nC++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCalm down, it's *____\b\b\b\bonly* ones and zeroes.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCan't open /usr/fortunes.  Lid stuck on cookie jar.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCan't open /usr/games/lib/fortunes.dat.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..\n"}, {"quote": "\nCCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude...\n"}, {"quote": "\nCenter meeting at 4pm in 2C-543.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCivilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening.\nSee SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCOBOL is for morons.\n\t\t-- E.W. Dijkstra\n"}, {"quote": "\nCobol programmers are down in the dumps.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCoding is easy;  All you do is sit staring at a terminal until the drops\nof blood form on your forehead.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCOMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler one expects from\na corporation whose president codes in octal.\n\t\t-- J.N. Gray\n"}, {"quote": "\n... computer hardware progress is so fast.  No other technology since\ncivilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price\ngain in 30 years.\n\t\t-- Fred Brooks\n"}, {"quote": "\nComputer programmers do it byte by byte.\n"}, {"quote": "\nComputer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.\n"}, {"quote": "\nComputer programs expand so as to fill the core available.\n"}, {"quote": "\nComputer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.\n"}, {"quote": "\nComputer Science is the only discipline in which we view adding a new wing\nto a building as being maintenance\n\t\t-- Jim Horning\n"}, {"quote": "\nComputers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.\n"}, {"quote": "\nComputers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.\nAny system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.\n\t\t-- Gilb\n"}, {"quote": "\nComputers are useless.  They can only give you answers.\n\t\t-- Pablo Picasso\n"}, {"quote": "\nComputers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in\nthe world that just don't add up.\n"}, {"quote": "\nComputers don't actually think.\n\tYou just think they think.\n\t\t(We think.)\n"}, {"quote": "\nComputers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more\nthan the estimate the job will cost.\n"}, {"quote": "\nConceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed\nfrom one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.\n\t\t-- Frederick Brooks Jr., \"The Mythical Man Month\" \n"}, {"quote": "\nCongratulations!  You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.\nIf there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't\nhesitate to ask!\n"}, {"quote": "\nCounting in binary is just like counting in decimal -- if you are all thumbs.\n\t\t-- Glaser and Way\n"}, {"quote": "\nCounting in octal is just like counting in decimal--if you don't use your thumbs.\n\t\t-- Tom Lehrer\n"}, {"quote": "\n[Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine\nwomen pregnant, you can get a baby a month.\n\t\t-- Wernher von Braun\n"}, {"quote": "\nCrazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!\n"}, {"quote": "\n"}, {"quote": "DCL-MEM-BAD, bad memory\nVMS-F-PDGERS, pudding between the ears\n"}, {"quote": "\nDebug is human, de-fix divine.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale.\n\t\t-- Mel Ferentz\n"}, {"quote": "\n#define BITCOUNT(x)\t(((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) "}, {"quote": " 255)\n#define  BX_(x)\t\t((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777)\t\t\t\\\n\t\t\t     - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333)\t\t\t\\\n\t\t\t     - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))\n\n\t\t-- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word\n"}, {"quote": "\nDeliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDid you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's?\n\t\t-- P.J. Plauger\n"}, {"quote": "\nDifferent all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDigital circuits are made from analog parts.\n\t\t-- Don Vonada\n"}, {"quote": "\nDisc space -- the final frontier!\n"}, {"quote": "\nDISCLAIMER:\nUse of this advanced computing technology does not imply an endorsement\nof Western industrial civilization.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDisclaimer: \"These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be\nyours too.\"\n\t\t-- Dave Haynie\n"}, {"quote": "\nDisk crisis, please clean up!\n"}, {"quote": "\nDisks travel in packs.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDisraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics,\nBenchmarks, and Delivery dates.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo not simplify the design of a program if a way can be found to make\nit complex and wonderful.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo not use the blue keys on this terminal.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking?\n"}, {"quote": "\nDocumentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and\nwhen it is bad, it is better than nothing.\n\t\t-- Dick Brandon\n"}, {"quote": "\nDocumentation is the castor oil of programming.\nManagers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDoes a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted?\nDoes a good teacher overlook even the most humble student?\nDoes a good father allow a single child to starve?\nDoes a good programmer refuse to maintain his code?\n\t\t-- Geoffrey James, \"The Tao of Programming\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly misleading.\nDebug only code.\n\t\t-- Dave Storer\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.\n\t\t-- P. Skelly\n"}, {"quote": "\nDOS Air:\nAll the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it\nuntil it gets in the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the ground again.\nThen they grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, et\ncetera.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDue to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been discontinued.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDuring the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several\ntimes, often with lin~po_~{po       ~poz~ppo\\~{ o n~po_\u0007~{o[po\t ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_\u0007~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\\~{o\n"}, {"quote": "\nE Pluribus Unix\n"}, {"quote": "\nEach new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs.\n\t\t-- Kernighan\n"}, {"quote": "\n/earth is 98"}, {"quote": " full ... please delete anyone you can.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEarth is a beta site.\n"}, {"quote": "\n/earth: file system full.\n"}, {"quote": "\negrep -n '^[a-z].*\\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0\n"}, {"quote": "\nEinstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because\nGod is not capricious or arbitrary.  No such faith comforts the software\nengineer.\n\t\t-- Fred Brooks\n"}, {"quote": "\nEqual bytes for women.\n"}, {"quote": "\nError in operator: add beer\n"}, {"quote": "\nEstablished technology tends to persist in the face of new technology.\n\t\t-- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360\n"}, {"quote": "\n<<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<<\n"}, {"quote": "\nEven bytes get lonely for a little bit.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvery program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one\ninstruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every\nprogram can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvery program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEverybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love!\n"}, {"quote": "\nEveryone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be\ntaught how ___\b\b\bnot to.  So it is with the great programmers.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvolution is a million line computer program falling into place by accident.\n"}, {"quote": "\nExcessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFACILITY REJECTED 100044200000;\n"}, {"quote": "\nFeeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, \"Oh, no,\nit's Microsoft!\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nFly Windows NT:\nAll the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs\nin the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet\nswooshing sounds as if they are flying.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of\na thousand years ago.  Why not, then, the last step of doing away with\ncomputers altogether?\"\n\t\t-- Jehan Shuman\n"}, {"quote": "\nFORTH IF HONK THEN\n"}, {"quote": "\nFORTRAN is a good example of a language which is easier to parse\nusing ad hoc techniques.\n\t\t-- D. Gries\n\t\t[What's good about it?  Ed.]\n"}, {"quote": "\nFORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy, occasionally blooms,\nand grows in every computer.\n\t\t-- A.J. Perlis\n"}, {"quote": "\nFORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers.\n\t\t-- Steven Feiner\n"}, {"quote": "\nFORTRAN rots the brain.\n\t\t-- John McQuillin\n"}, {"quote": "\nFORTRAN, \"the infantile disorder\", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly\ninadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is\ntoo clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use.\n\t\t-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5\n"}, {"quote": "\n[FORTRAN] will persist for some time -- probably for at least the next decade.\n\t\t-- T. Cheatham\n"}, {"quote": "\nFortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!\n\nTry:\n\t[Where is Jimmy Hoffa?\t\t\t(C shell)\n\t^How did the^sex change operation go?\t(C shell)\n\t\"How would you rate BSD vs. System V?\n\t"}, {"quote": "\nfortune: cannot execute.  Out of cookies.\n"}, {"quote": "\nfortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.\n"}, {"quote": "\nfortune: No such file or directory\n"}, {"quote": "\nfortune: not found\n"}, {"quote": "\nFrankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix.\n\t\t-- Rhett Buggler\n"}, {"quote": "\nFrom the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the\ninstructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new\nexperience in sound:\n\n5.  Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees.  The pin-spreading\n    sound is normal for this type of connector.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFunction reject.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGarbage In -- Gospel Out.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGIVE:\tSupport the helpless victims of computer error.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGiven its constituency, the only thing I expect to be \"open\" about [the\nOpen Software Foundation] is its mouth.\n\t\t-- John Gilmore\n"}, {"quote": "\nGiving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden:  Languages\nwhose use squanders machine cycles are sinful.  The LISP machine now permits\nLISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.\n\t\t-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982\n"}, {"quote": "\nGo away! Stop bothering me with all your \"compute this ... compute that\"!\nI'm taking a VAX-NAP.\n\nlogout\u0007\n"}, {"quote": "\n//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH\n"}, {"quote": "\nGod is real, unless declared integer.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGod made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGood evening, gentlemen.  I am a HAL 9000 computer.  I became operational\nat the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred\nninety-five.  My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a\nsong.  If you would like, I could sing it for you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGrand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine.  When he awoke\nhe exclaimed:\n\t\"I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine,\n\tor a machine dreaming that I am Turing!\"\n\t\t-- Geoffrey James, \"The Tao of Programming\"\n"}, {"quote": "\ngrep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHackers are just a migratory lifeform with a tropism for computers.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHackers of the world, unite!\n"}, {"quote": "\nHacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.\n"}, {"quote": "\n/* Halley */\n\n\t(Halley's comment.)\n"}, {"quote": "\nHappiness is a hard disk.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHappiness is twin floppies.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?\"\n\t\"Yes, I don't have one.\"\n\t\"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ...\"\n\t\t-- E. D'Azevedo, Computer Science 372\n"}, {"quote": "\nHave you reconsidered a computer career?\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of his opinion.\nIt's up to you to cast it into a void or not.\n\t\t-- Phil Lapsley\n"}, {"quote": "\nHEAD CRASH!!  FILES LOST!!\nDetails at 11.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHelp me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!\n"}, {"quote": "\nHelp stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants!\n"}, {"quote": "\nHelp!  I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!\n"}, {"quote": "\nHelp!  I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!\n"}, {"quote": "\nHELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/games/lib!\n"}, {"quote": "\nHeuristics are bug ridden by definition.  If they didn't have bugs,\nthen they'd be algorithms.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHOLY MACRO!\n"}, {"quote": "\nHOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N)\n"}, {"quote": "\nHOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP...\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow can you work when the system's so crowded?\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"How do I love thee?  My accumulator overflows.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tHow many seconds are there in a year?  If I tell you there  are\n3.155  x  10^7, you won't even try to remember it.  On the other hand,\nwho could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a\nnanocentury.\n\t\t-- Tom Duff, Bell Labs\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton?\n\t\t-- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?\n"}, {"quote": "\nHug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!!  \n\tOh wait...\n\t\tI'm a computer, and you're a person.  It would never work out.\n\t\t\tNever mind.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI *____\b\b\b\bknew* I had some reason for not logging you off... If I could just\nremember what it was.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI am a computer. I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI am NOMAD!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party.\n\t\t-- Dennis Ritchie\n"}, {"quote": "\nI am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say\n(in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated.\n\t\t-- Joseph Weizenbaum, \"Computer Power and Human Reason\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI bet the human brain is a kludge.\n\t\t-- Marvin Minsky\n"}, {"quote": "\nI came, I saw, I deleted all your files.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate\nof 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ...\n\t\t-- F. H. Wales (1936)\n"}, {"quote": "\nI do not fear computers.  I fear the lack of them.\n\t\t-- Isaac Asimov\n"}, {"quote": "\nI had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and\nimplement a PL/1 compiler.\n\t\t-- T. Cheatham\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have a very small mind and must live with it.\n\t\t-- E. Dijkstra\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have not yet begun to byte!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI think there's a world market for about five computers.\n\t\t-- attr. Thomas J. Watson (Chairman of the Board, IBM), 1943\n"}, {"quote": "\nI wish you humans would leave me alone.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my sister.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm not even going to *______\b\b\b\b\b\bbother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN.\n\t\t-- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI've finally learned what \"upward compatible\" means.  It means we get to\nkeep all our old mistakes.\n\t\t-- Dennie van Tassel\n"}, {"quote": "\nI've looked at the listing, and it's right!\n\t\t-- Joel Halpern\n"}, {"quote": "\nI've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must be just a few\nsimple heuristics you have to remember...\n\nYes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI've noticed several design suggestions in your code.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks, who'll be first\nagainst the wall when the revolution comes...\n\t\t-- with regrets to D. Adams\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape\nat about 30 miles/second.\n\t\t-- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf a group of _\bN persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _\bN-1\npasses.  Someone in the group has to be the manager.\n\t\t-- T. Cheatham\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever\nto get a \"fix\" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude\nthat netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.\n\t\t-- Rob Stampfli\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,\nthen the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will\nserve us right.\n\t\t-- Alistair Cooke\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf graphics hackers are so smart, why can't they get the bugs out of\nfresh paint?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days\nand 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to\nthink which principles of computation shall be most appropriate.\n\t\t-- Voltaire, \"Diatribe du docteur Akakia\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf I'd known computer science was going to be like this, I'd never have\ngiven up being a rock 'n' roll star.\n\t\t-- G. Hirst\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf it happens once, it's a bug.\nIf it happens twice, it's a feature.\nIf it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf it has syntax, it isn't user friendly.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG.\n\t\t-- Phil Lapsley\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem.\"\n\t\t-- C. Durance, Computer Science 234\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a\nRolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per per gallon,\nand explode once a year killing everyone inside.\n\t\t-- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.\n\t\t-- Norm Schryer\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job.\nLet's hear it for OSI and X!  With those babies in the wings, we can count\non being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening,\npaper folding, or something.\n\t\t-- C. Philip Wood\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf this is timesharing, give me my share right now.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery.\nBut this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine,\nis somehow enobled and no-one dare criticise it.\n\t\t-- Pierre Gallois\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble\nthen they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real harm.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you think the system is working, ask someone who's waiting for a prompt.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four\nstrong oxen than 100 chickens.  Chickens are OK but we can't make them work\ntogether yet.\n\t\t-- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIgnorance is bliss.\n\t\t-- Thomas Gray\n\nFortune updates the great quotes, #42:\n\tBLISS is ignorance.\n"}, {"quote": "\nImagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual\nway.  This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of\ncomplaining.\n\t\t-- Jeff Raskin\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room\nhumidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network\nanyway.\n\t\t-- The 5th Wave\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn a five year period we can get one superb programming language.  Only\nwe can't control when the five year period will begin.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)\nare to be treated as variables.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work,\nthe answer may be obtained by inspection.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn English, every word can be verbed.  Would that it were so in our\nprogramming languages.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn every non-trivial program there is at least one bug.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn less than a century, computers will be making substantial progress on\n... the overriding problem of war and peace.\n\t\t-- James Slagle\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia,\nhappens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary.\n\t\t-- Paul Licker\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.\n\t\t-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.\nYou'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble.\n\t\t-- Alan Perlis\n"}, {"quote": "\nIntel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way.\n\t\t-- Henry Spencer\n"}, {"quote": "\n>>> Internal error in fortune program:\n>>>\tfnum=2987  n=45  flag=1  goose_level=-232323\n>>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIntroducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor.\n\nINSTRUCTION SET\n\tCode\tMnemonic\tWhat\n\t0\tNOP\t\tNo Operation\n\t1\tJMP\t\tJump (address specified by next 2 bits)\n\nNow Available for only 12 1/2 cents!\n"}, {"quote": "\nIOT trap -- core dumped\n"}, {"quote": "\nIs a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIs it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is meant to\nbe discarded:  that the whole point is to always see it as a soap bubble?\n"}, {"quote": "\n: is not an identifier\n"}, {"quote": "\nIs your job running?  You'd better go catch it!\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the most widely\nused higher level language for systems programming.\n\t\t-- J. Sammet\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program.\nWhat fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing\nthoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?\n\t\t-- Alan Perlis\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is now pitch dark.  If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students\nthat have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are\nmentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.\n\t\t-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5\n"}, {"quote": "\n[It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time.\n\t\t-- K&R\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old.  However, it's a pretty small\nprice to pay for having somebody around the house who understands computers.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"It runs like _\bx, where _\bx is something unsavory\"\n\t\t-- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tIt took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10"}, {"quote": "\nIt was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer, when you're\nstickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm.\n\t\t-- Dion, noted computer scientist\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's a naive, domestic operating system without any breeding, but I\nthink you'll be amused by its presumption.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's multiple choice time...\n\n\tWhat is FORTRAN?\n\n\ta: Between thre and fiv tran.\n\tb: What two computers engage in before they interface.\n\tc: Ridiculous.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"It's not just a computer -- it's your ass.\"\n\t\t-- Cal Keegan\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?\n"}, {"quote": "\n... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been\nfound and thy program runneth.  And he that was dead came forth...\n\t\t-- John 11:43-44 [version 2.0?]\n"}, {"quote": "\nJust about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac\n(and nobody cares about it).\n\t\t-- Bill Joy 6/21/85\n"}, {"quote": "\nJust go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you get\na prompt, type like hell.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKeep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum.\n\t\t-- D. Gries\n"}, {"quote": "\nKiss your keyboard goodbye!\n"}, {"quote": "\nKnow Thy User.\n"}, {"quote": "\n((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz))\n"}, {"quote": "\nLet the machine do the dirty work.\n\t\t-- \"Elements of Programming Style\", Kernighan and Ritchie\n"}, {"quote": "\nLeveraging always beats prototyping.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.\n\t-- Dave Olson\n"}, {"quote": "\nLike punning, programming is a play on words.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLine Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLisp Users:\nDue to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLittle known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very sophisticated\ncomputer network!  It was a Tolkien Ring...\n"}, {"quote": "\nLogic doesn't apply to the real world.\n\t\t-- Marvin Minsky\n"}, {"quote": "\nLong computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLoose bits sink chips.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMac Airways:\nThe cashiers, flight attendants and pilots all look the same, feel the same\nand act the same. When asked questions about the flight, they reply that you\ndon't want to know, don't need to know and would you please return to your\nseat and watch the movie.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator?  Never heard of that.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years.\"\n\t\"What about X?\"\n\t\"I said `intellectual'.\"\n\t\t;login, 9/1990\n"}, {"quote": "\nMachines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate,\nand play games -- but not with pleasure.\n\t\t-- Leo Rosten\n"}, {"quote": "\nMachines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMake sure your code does nothing gracefully.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMan is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the\nonly one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.\n\t\t-- Wernher von Braun\n"}, {"quote": "\nMany of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their\nlife of crime after taking college Computer Science courses.\n\t\t-- Roger Rapoport, \"Programs for Plunder\", Omni, March 1981\n"}, {"quote": "\nMartin was probably ripping them off.  That's some family, isn't it?\nIncest, prostitution, fanaticism, software.\n\t\t-- Charles Willeford, \"Miami Blues\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nMarvelous!  The super-user's going to boot me!\nWhat a finely tuned response to the situation!\n"}, {"quote": "\n** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE.  TRY AGAIN LATER **\n"}, {"quote": "\nMay all your PUSHes be POPped.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMay Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!\n"}, {"quote": "\nMay the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMaybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.\n\t\t-- R. S. Barton\n"}, {"quote": "\nMemory fault - where am I?\n"}, {"quote": "\nMemory fault -- brain fried\n"}, {"quote": "\nMemory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget!\n"}, {"quote": "\nMESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMessage from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nModeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business.\n\t\t-- P.J. Denning\n"}, {"quote": "\nMommy, what happens to your files when you die?\n"}, {"quote": "\nMost public domain software is free, at least at first glance.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING\n"}, {"quote": "\nMSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way.\n\t\t-- Henry Spencer\n"}, {"quote": "\nMuch of the excitement we get out of our work is that we don't really\nknow what we are doing.\n\t\t-- E. Dijkstra\n"}, {"quote": "\nMultics is security spelled sideways.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.  She sells C shells down \nby the seashore.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I\nhave looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong.\n\t\t-- Brent Welch\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to\nmake it complex and wonderful.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time.\n\t\t-- D. Gries\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.\n\t\t-- Steinbach\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever trust a computer you can't repair yourself.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever trust an operating system.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever try to explain computers to a layman.  It's easier to explain\nsex to a virgin.\n\t-- Robert Heinlein\n\n(Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.)\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.\n\t\t-- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS\n"}, {"quote": "\nNew crypt.  See /usr/news/crypt.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNew systems generate new problems.\n"}, {"quote": "\n*** NEWS FLASH ***\n\nArcheologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur\nskeleton!  Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive\nthan DEC admits.  Price adjustments at 11:00.\n"}, {"quote": "\nnews: gotcha\n"}, {"quote": "\nNiklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name correctly\n(Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into (Nick-les Worth).  Which\nis to say that Europeans call him by name, but Americans call him by value.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo directory.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo extensible language will be universal.\n\t\t-- T. Cheatham\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware\nuntil three software guys have signed off for it.\n\t\t-- Andy Tanenbaum\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo line available at 300 baud.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval system,\nor transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of the author.\n\t\t-- Chris Shaw\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo.\nLather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop!\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain.  All I'm after is\njust a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone\nand Telegraph Company.\n\t\t-- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking\n\t\t   machine, 1943.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNobody said computers were going to be polite.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start\ncoming in late and lying about it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nnohup rm -fr /&\n"}, {"quote": "\nNot only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad.\n\t\t-- Rob Pike\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing happens.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm.  Gag me with a smurfette.\"\n\t\t-- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile.\"\n\t\t-- Karl Lehenbauer\n"}, {"quote": "\nNurse Donna:\tOh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid.\nGroucho:\tWell, bring her in and we'll wind her up together.\nNurse Donna:\tDo you believe in computer dating?\nGroucho:\tOnly if the computers really love each other.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOh, so there you are!\n"}, {"quote": "\nOkay, Okay -- I admit it.  You didn't change that program that worked\njust a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the\nexecutable.  Please forgive me.  You can recover the file by typing in\nthe code over again, since I also removed the source.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOld mail has arrived.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOld programmers never die, they just become managers.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOld programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOld programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOn a clear disk you can seek forever.\n\t\t-- P. Denning\n"}, {"quote": "\nOn the eighth day, God created FORTRAN.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOn the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog.\n\t\t-- Cartoon caption\n"}, {"quote": "\nOn two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], \"Pray, Mr.\nBabbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers\ncome out?\"  I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of\nideas that could provoke such a question.\n\t\t-- Charles Babbage\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"One Architecture, One OS\" also translates as \"One Egg, One Basket\".\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative.\"\n\nHaving been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this.\nThe basic notion underlying USENET is the flame.\n\t\t-- Chuq Von Rospach\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they\nnever have to stop and answer the phone.\n"}, {"quote": "\n... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,\nlacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of\ntheir C programs.\n\t\t-- Robert Firth\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne of the most overlooked advantages to computers is...  If they do\nfoul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little.\n\t\t-- Joe Martin\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne person's error is another person's data.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne picture is worth 128K words.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOnly great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n\nMost UNIX programmers are great masters of style.\n\t\t-- The Unnamed Usenetter\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big\nsystem, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'\"\n\n\"TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make\nany difference if it takes a while to fix it.\"\n\t\t-- Ken Olson, in Digital News, 1988\n"}, {"quote": "\nOur informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide.\n\t\t-- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte\n"}, {"quote": "\nOur OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.\n\tThy programs run, thy syscalls done,\n\tIn kernel as it is in user!\n"}, {"quote": "\nOver the shoulder supervision is more a need of the manager than the\nprogramming task.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOverflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOverload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.\n"}, {"quote": "\npanic: can't find /\n"}, {"quote": "\npanic: kernel segmentation violation. core dumped\t\t(only kidding)\n"}, {"quote": "\npanic: kernel trap (ignored)\n"}, {"quote": "\nPascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty.\n\t\t-- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan\n"}, {"quote": "\nPascal is not a high-level language.\n\t\t-- Steven Feiner\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat.\"\n\t\t-- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340\n"}, {"quote": "\nPasswords are implemented as a result of insecurity.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPause for storage relocation.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPer buck you get more computing action with the small computer.\n\t\t-- R.W. Hamming\n"}, {"quote": "\nPL/I -- \"the fatal disease\" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the\nsolution set.\n\t\t-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5\n"}, {"quote": "\nPlay Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill them.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPlease go away.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPLUG IT IN!!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nPremature optimization is the root of all evil.\n\t\t-- D.E. Knuth\n"}, {"quote": "\nProf:    So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data\n\t encryption standard and they came up with ...\nStudent: EBCDIC!\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nProfanity is the one language all programmers know best.\n"}, {"quote": "\nProgrammers do it bit by bit.\n"}, {"quote": "\nProgrammers used to batch environments may find it hard to live without\ngiant listings; we would find it hard to use them.\n\t\t-- D.M. Ritchie\n"}, {"quote": "\nProgramming is an unnatural act.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPURGE COMPLETE.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPut no trust in cryptic comments.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC\nREADY\n>_\n"}, {"quote": "\nRAM wasn't built in a day.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReactor error - core dumped!\n"}, {"quote": "\nReal computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic\nvalue but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is\nmuch too large to implement.  Most computer scientists don't notice\nthis because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReal computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware.  Hardware has\nlimitations, software doesn't.  It's a real shame that Turing machines are\nso poor at I/O.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReal computer scientists don't comment their code.  The identifiers are\nso long they can't afford the disk space.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReal computer scientists don't program in assembler.  They don't write\nin anything less portable than a number two pencil.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReal computer scientists don't write code.  They occasionally tinker with\n`programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count \n(and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications).\n"}, {"quote": "\nReal computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how\ncould they read their mail?\n"}, {"quote": "\nReal computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run\non future hardware.  Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo\nsapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReal programmers disdain structured programming.  Structured programming is\nfor compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet- trained.  They wear\nneckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise clear desks.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReal programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches.  If the vending machine\ndoesn't sell it, they don't eat it.  Vending machines don't sell quiche.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReal programmers don't comment their code.  It was hard to write, it\nshould be hard to understand.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReal programmers don't draw flowcharts.  Flowcharts are, after all, the\nilliterate's form of documentation.  Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how\nmuch good it did them.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReal Programmers don't eat quiche.  They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReal Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires\nyou to change clothes.  Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers\nwear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly\nspring up in the middle of the machine room.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReal programmers don't write in BASIC.  Actually, no programmers write in\nBASIC after reaching puberty.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReal Programmers don't write in FORTRAN.  FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and\ncrystallography weenies.  FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear white socks.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReal Programmers don't write in PL/I.  PL/I is for programmers who can't\ndecide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReal Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReal programs don't eat cache.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReal Programs don't use shared text.  Otherwise, how can they use functions\nfor scratch space after they are finished calling them?\n"}, {"quote": "\nReal software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness.\nThis process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a\ncomputer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReal software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the job is\ndescribed in the formal spec.  Working late would feel like using an\nundocumented external procedure.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReal Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never\nafraid to break your face.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReal Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts\ndown the system for days.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReal Users hate Real Programmers.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReal Users know your home telephone number.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReal Users never know what they want, but they always know when your program\ndoesn't deliver it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReal Users never use the Help key.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRecursion is the root of computation since it trades description for time.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRemember the good old days, when CPU was singular?\n"}, {"quote": "\nRemember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't\nhave an established user base.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRemember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.\n\t\t-- Mt.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRemember: use logout to logout.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRow, row, row your bits, gently down the stream...\n"}, {"quote": "\nSave energy:  Drive a smaller shell.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSave gas, don't use the shell.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSave yourself!  Reboot in 5 seconds!\n"}, {"quote": "\nSay \"twenty-three-skiddoo\" to logout.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSCCS, the source motel!  Programs check in and never check out!\n\t\t-- Ken Thompson\n"}, {"quote": "\nScience is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.\n"}, {"quote": "\nScotty:\tCaptain, we din' can reference it!\nKirk:\tAnalysis, Mr. Spock?\nSpock:\tCaptain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.\nKirk:\tThen it's of external origin?\nSpock:\tAffirmative.\nKirk:\tMr. Sulu, go to pass two.\nSulu:\tAye aye, sir, going to pass two.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSecurity check: \u0007\u0007\u0007INTRUDER ALERT!\n"}, {"quote": "\nSend some filthy mail.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root.\n\t\t-- Eric Allman, \"Sendmail Installation Guide\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nShe sells cshs by the cshore.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSimulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials.\n\t\t-- Hubert Kirrman\n"}, {"quote": "\nskldfjkl\u0007\u0007\u0007jklsR"}, {"quote": "^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil\nh;asvgy8p\t23r1vyui\u0007135\t2\nkmxsij90TYDFS$$b\tjkzxdjkl bjnk ;j\tnk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[,\n\t\t[hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$"}, {"quote": "*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf']\n\t\t\t\tsdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y\n\n\nNow look what you've gone and done!  You've broken it!\n"}, {"quote": "\nSlowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nSoftware production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run\nlike a staff function.\n\t\t-- Paul Licker\n"}, {"quote": "\nSoftware suppliers are trying to make their software packages more\n\"user-friendly\".  ...  Their best approach, so far, has been to take all\nthe old brochures, and stamp the words, \"user-friendly\" on the cover.\n\t\t-- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc.\n\t[Pot. Kettle. Black.]\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome of my readers ask me what a \"Serial Port\" is.\nThe answer is: I don't know.\nIs it some kind of wine you have with breakfast?\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep, but at least you\nonly have to climb it once.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand progress.\n\t\t-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982\n"}, {"quote": "\nSomebody's terminal is dropping bits.  I found a pile of them over in the\ncorner.\n"}, {"quote": "\nStaff meeting in the conference room in "}, {"quote": "d minutes.\n"}, {"quote": "\nStaff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes.\n"}, {"quote": "\nStandards are crucial.  And the best thing about standards is: there are\nso ____\b\b\b\bmany to choose from!\n"}, {"quote": "\nStinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise.\n\t\t-- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984\n"}, {"quote": "\nSuch efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political, petty, boring,\nponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality.\n\t-- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts\n"}, {"quote": "\nSwap read error.  You lose your mind.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSyntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.\n\t\t-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982\n"}, {"quote": "\nSystem checkpoint complete.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSystem going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSystem going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSystem going down in 5 minutes.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSystem restarting, wait...\n"}, {"quote": "\n\u0007\u0007\u0007\u0007\t*** System shutdown message from root ***\n\nSystem going down in 60 seconds\n\n\n"}, {"quote": "\nSystems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad\ninfinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.\n\t\t-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982\n"}, {"quote": "\nSystems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.\n\t\t-- R.S. Barton\n"}, {"quote": "\nTesting can show the presense of bugs, but not their absence.\n\t\t-- Dijkstra\n"}, {"quote": "\nTeX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this\ncentury.  It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in\nterms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press.\n\t\t-- Gordon Bell\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even\none which cannot be justified on any other grounds.\"\n\t\t-- J. Finnegan, USC.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThat does not compute.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but\nthey're not coming out on the damn printer...  Hold?  Sure, I'll hold.\"\n\t\t-- e.e. cummings last service call\n"}, {"quote": "\nThat's the thing about people who think they hate computers.  What they\nreally hate is lousy programmers.\n\t\t-- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in \"Oath of Fealty\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe \"cutting edge\" is getting rather dull.\n\t\t-- Andy Purshottam\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8.\n\t\t-- R.B. Greenberg [referring to PDPs?]\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing.\n\t\t-- T. Cheatham\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete.\nFor you systems people, that means it's *real slow*.\n\t\t-- Bart Miller\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty.  You might want to mug\nsomeone with it.\"\n\t\t-- M. Devine, Computer Science 340\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns just as the Jacquard\nloom weaves flowers and leaves.\n\t\t-- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by people\nwho don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried anything.\"\n\t\t-- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer.\n\t\t-- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike\n\n\t[If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I\n\t believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses \"Forget Only\n\t Memory\".  Ed.]\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe best book on programming for the layman is \"Alice in Wonderland\";\nbut that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second per second.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe bogosity meter just pegged.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only\nthe inclination to get on a plane, but also the time.\n\t\t-- Kay Bostic\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the flexibility of\nassembly language with the power of assembly language.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe clothes have no emperor.\n\t\t-- C.A.R. Hoare, commenting on ADA.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of\nentrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and\n50's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into\nthe 80's.\n\t\t-- Marty Winston\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe computer is to the information industry roughly what the\ncentral power station is to the electrical industry.\n\t\t-- Peter Drucker\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The Computer made me do it.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe computing field is always in need of new cliches.\n\t\t-- Alan Perlis\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems\nand solutions we can imagine is very close.  For this reason restricting\nlanguage features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best\ndangerous.\n\t\t-- Bjarne Stroustrup\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of\nus who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching\nCharlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe difference between art and science is that science is what we\nunderstand well enough to explain to a computer.  Art is everything else.\n\t\t-- Donald Knuth, \"Discover\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe disks are getting full; purge a file today.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not\nCompute' -- I forget which.\"\n\t\t-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe first time, it's a KLUDGE!\nThe second, a trick.\nLater, it's a well-established technique!\n\t\t-- Mike Broido, Intermetrics\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe first version always gets thrown away.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.\n\t\t-- Frederick Brooks, \"The Mythical Man Month\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at\nleast until we've finished building it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity\n-- the rest is overhead for the operating system.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe IBM 2250 is impressive ...\nif you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price.\n\t\t-- D. Cohen\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term \"twisted pair\".\n\t\t-- Howard Anderson, \"Yankee Group\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given\ntool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than\nit is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws).\n\t\t-- Doug Gwyn\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe last time somebody said, \"I find I can write much better with a word\nprocessor.\", I replied, \"They used to say the same thing about drugs.\"\n\t\t-- Roy Blount, Jr.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe less time planning, the more time programming.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tTHE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP\n\nThis otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of\nan \"S\" in its character set; users must substitute \"TH\".  LITHP is said\nto be useful in protheththing lithtth.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tThe master programmer moves from program to program without fear.  No\nchange in management can harm him.  He will not be fired, even if the project\nis canceled. Why is this?  He is filled with the Tao.\n\t\t-- Geoffrey James, \"The Tao of Programming\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out.\n\nComputer translation of \"The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to\ndevise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.\n\t\t-- Lew Mammel, Jr.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the\nlower the mailing cost.\n\t\t-- S. Kelly-Bootle, \"The Devil's DP Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe most important early product on the way to developing a good product\nis an imperfect version.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded\nin it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but\noccasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that!\n\t-- James 'Kibo' Parry\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,\nin the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.\n\n\tBut let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay:\n\tfor whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.\n\t\t-- Matthew 5:37\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe next person to mention spaghetti stacks to me is going to have\nhis head knocked off.\n\t\t-- Bill Conrad\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.\n\t\t-- Andrew S. Tanenbaum\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe notion of a \"record\" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 80-column\ncard.\n\t\t-- Dennis M. Ritchie\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are correct.\n\t\t-- Ralph Hartley\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe number of computer scientists in a room is inversely proportional\nto the number of bugs in their code.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected.\n\t-- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is\nthat the car salesman knows he's lying.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only thing cheaper than hardware is talk.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only thing worse than X Windows: (X Windows) - X\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe party adjourned to a hot tub, yes.  Fully clothed, I might add.\n\t\t-- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip\nmarket.  Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and\nis fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose\"\n\t\t-- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe primary function of the design engineer is to make things\ndifficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tThe problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to\nget results.\n\tThe problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy\nproblems in order to get results.\n\tThe problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at\ntoy problems in order to get results.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe problems of business administration in general, and database management in\nparticular are much to difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded\nwith sloppy english.\n\t\t-- Edsger Dijkstra\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe program isn't debugged until the last user is dead.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel\nand an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a horse.\n\t\t-- Jac Goudsmit\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe question of whether computers can think is just like the question of\nwhether submarines can swim.\n\t\t-- Edsger W. Dijkstra\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe relative importance of files depends on their cost in terms of the\nhuman effort needed to regenerate them.\n\t\t-- T.A. Dolotta\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe road to hell is paved with NAND gates.\n\t\t-- J. Gooding\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone\nbeat their head on the keyboard.  After working with it... I can see why!\n\t\t-- Harry Skelton\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe so-called \"desktop metaphor\" of today's workstations is instead an\n\"airplane-seat\" metaphor.  Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers\nwhile seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference --\none can see only a very few things at once.\n\t\t-- Fred Brooks\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe steady state of disks is full.\n\t\t-- Ken Thompson\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe system will be down for 10 days for preventive maintenance.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Tao is like a glob pattern:\nused but never used up.\nIt is like the extern void:\nfilled with infinite possibilities.\n\nIt is masked but always present.\nI don't know who built to it.\nIt came before the first kernel.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe trouble with computers is that they do what you tell them, not what\nyou want.\n\t\t-- D. Cohen\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to\nhang yourself.  And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems\nis a symptom of professional immaturity.\n\t\t-- Edsger Dijkstra\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be\nregarded as a criminal offence.\n\t\t-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe world is coming to an end.  Please log off.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe world is not octal despite DEC.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe world will end in 5 minutes.  Please log out.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe young lady had an unusual list,\nLinked in part to a structural weakness.\nShe set no preconditions.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTHEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVELININTHENIGHTDUDE\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are never any bugs you haven't found yet.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are new messages.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are no games on this system.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are running jobs.  Why don't you go chase them?\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from\nthe sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; someone loaded Star\nTrek 3.2 into our video processor.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.\nWe don't believe this to be a coincidence.\n\t\t-- Jeremy S. Anderson\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are two ways of constructing a software design.  One way is to make\nit so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to\nmake it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.\n\t\t-- C.A.R. Hoare\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.\n\t\t-- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation),\n\t\t   Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThey are called computers simply because computation is the only significant\njob that has so far been given to them.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThey are relatively good but absolutely terrible.\n\t\t-- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos\n"}, {"quote": "\nThey seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when\nnot actually threatened.  How very nice for authority.  I decided not to\nlearn this particular lesson.\n\t\t-- Richard Stallman\n"}, {"quote": "\nThink of it!  With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThink of your family tonight.  Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis dungeon is owned and operated by Frobozz Magic Co., Ltd.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis file will self-destruct in five minutes.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"This is lemma 1.1.  We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back to one.\"\n\t\t-- Prof. Seager, C&O 351\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis login session: $13.76, but for you $11.88.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis login session: $13.99\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does\nsomething child-like.\n\t\t-- Forbes Burkowski, CS 454, University of Washington\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis screen intentionally left blank.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis system will self-destruct in five minutes.\n"}, {"quote": "\n* * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * *\n"}, {"quote": "\nThose parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised)\nare called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse\nat are called software.\n\t\t-- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological\n\t\t   Literacy for the 1990's.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThose who can't write, write manuals.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThose who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.\n\t\t-- Henry Spencer\n"}, {"quote": "\nThrashing is just virtual crashing.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThus spake the master programmer:\n\t\"A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program\nis its own hell.\"\n\t\t-- Geoffrey James, \"The Tao of Programming\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThus spake the master programmer:\n\t\"After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless.\"\n\t\t-- Geoffrey James, \"The Tao of Programming\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThus spake the master programmer:\n\t\"Let the programmers be many and the managers few -- then all will\n\tbe productive.\"\n\t\t-- Geoffrey James, \"The Tao of Programming\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThus spake the master programmer:\n\t\"Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to\n\tbe maintained.\"\n\t\t-- Geoffrey James, \"The Tao of Programming\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThus spake the master programmer:\n\t\"Time for you to leave.\"\n\t\t-- Geoffrey James, \"The Tao of Programming\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThus spake the master programmer:\n\t\"When a program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes.\"\n\t\t-- Geoffrey James, \"The Tao of Programming\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThus spake the master programmer:\n\t\"When you have learned to snatch the error code from\n\tthe trap frame, it will be time for you to leave.\"\n\t\t-- Geoffrey James, \"The Tao of Programming\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThus spake the master programmer:\n\t\"Without the wind, the grass does not move.  Without software,\n\thardware is useless.\"\n\t\t-- Geoffrey James, \"The Tao of Programming\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThus spake the master programmer:\n\t\"You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you\n\tcan't make him computer literate.\"\n\t\t-- Geoffrey James, \"The Tao of Programming\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nTime sharing: The use of many people by the computer.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTime-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business.\n\t\t-- H.R.J. Grosch (attributed)\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift.\n\t\t-- Shelley\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo communicate is the beginning of understanding.\n\t\t-- AT&T\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo iterate is human, to recurse, divine.\n\t\t-- Robert Heller\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role,\nbut you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor\nmicro and then try to run it on OS/2.  I mean, get serious.\n\t\t-- William Zachmann, International Data Corp\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide a\ntest load.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.\n"}, {"quote": "\nToday is a good day for information-gathering.  Read someone else's mail file.\n"}, {"quote": "\nToday is the first day of the rest of your lossage.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTomorrow's computers some time next month.\n\t\t-- DEC\n"}, {"quote": "\nToo often people have come to me and said, \"If I had just one wish for\nanything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations\nin the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software.\"\n\t\t-- Instrument News\n\t\t[Once is too often.  Ed.]\n"}, {"quote": "\nTRANSACTION CANCELLED - FARECARD RETURNED\n"}, {"quote": "\nTrap full -- please empty.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTruly simple systems... require infinite testing.\n\t\t-- Norman Augustine\n"}, {"quote": "\nTry `stty 0' -- it works much better.\n"}, {"quote": "\ntry again\n"}, {"quote": "\nTrying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only\nspecification is that it should run noiselessly.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTrying to establish voice contact ... please ____\b\b\b\byell into keyboard.\n"}, {"quote": "\nType louder, please.\n"}, {"quote": "\n U       X\ne dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159...\n"}, {"quote": "\nUmmm, well, OK.  The network's the network, the computer's the computer.\nSorry for the confusion.\n\t\t-- Sun Microsystems\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?\"\n\t\"It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food,\nright?\"\n\t\t-- MacNelley, \"Shoe\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nUnfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys.  I have many\nfriends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to\nthrow the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him,\nslash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound.\n\t\t-- Jon Bentley\n"}, {"quote": "\nUNIX enhancements aren't.\n"}, {"quote": "\nUnix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple\nof more feet, just to be sure.\n\t\t-- Eric Allman\n\n... We make rope.\n\t\t-- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystem's new virtual memory.\n"}, {"quote": "\nUnix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories.\n\t\t-- Donn Seeley\n"}, {"quote": "\n* UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories.\n"}, {"quote": "\nUNIX is hot.  It's more than hot.  It's steaming.  It's quicksilver\nlightning with a laserbeam kicker.\n\t\t-- Michael Jay Tucker\n"}, {"quote": "\nUNIX is many things to many people, but it's never been everything to anybody.\n"}, {"quote": "\nUnix is the worst operating system; except for all others.\n\t\t-- Berry Kercheval\n"}, {"quote": "\nUnix soit qui mal y pense\n\t[Unix to him who evil thinks?]\n"}, {"quote": "\nUNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on\nTue Nov  5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch).\n\t\t-- Andy Tannenbaum\n"}, {"quote": "\nUNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that\nwould also stop you from doing clever things.\n\t\t-- Doug Gwyn\n"}, {"quote": "\nUnix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1...\n"}, {"quote": "\nUsage: fortune -P [-f] -a [xsz] Q: file [rKe9] -v6[+] file1 ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nUsage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir\n"}, {"quote": "\nUSENET would be a better laboratory is there were more labor and less oratory.\n\t\t-- Elizabeth Haley\n"}, {"quote": "\nUser hostile.\n"}, {"quote": "\nUsing TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.\n\t\t-- S.C. Johnson\n"}, {"quote": "\n/usr/news/gotcha\n"}, {"quote": "\nVariables don't; constants aren't.\n"}, {"quote": "\nVax Vobiscum\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Virtual\" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.\n"}, {"quote": "\nVitamin C deficiency is apauling.\n"}, {"quote": "\nVMS Beer: Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top \nand sipping.  However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or \ncontain extremely un-beer-like contents.\n"}, {"quote": "\nVMS is like a nightmare about RXS-11M.\n"}, {"quote": "\nVMS version 2.0 ==>\n"}, {"quote": "\n<< WAIT >>\n"}, {"quote": "\nWasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer knowing the value of\neverything and the Wirth of nothing?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe all agree on the necessity of compromise.  We just can't agree on\nwhen it's necessary to compromise.\n\t-- Larry Wall\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe are drowning in information but starved for knowledge.\n\t-- John Naisbitt, Megatrends\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe are Microsoft.  Unix is irrelevant.  Openness is futile.  Prepare\nto be assimilated.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe are not a clone.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last theorem.\"\n\t\t-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to\ndevelop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers\nManual.\n\t\t-- Andrew Hume\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the\ntechnical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM.\n\t\t-- Edsger Dijkstra\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the\nhardware, but we can *___\b\b\bsee* the blinking lights!\n"}, {"quote": "\n[We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things.\n\t\t-- R.W. Hamming\n"}, {"quote": "\nWelcome to boggle - do you want instructions?\n\nD    G    G    O\n\nO    Y    A    N\n\nA    D    B    T\n\nK    I    S    P\nEnter words:\n>\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer?\nIt's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the\nestablishment of a Hilton on its peak.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"What is the Nature of God?\"\n\n    CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!=\n    1 QT. SOUR CREAM\n    1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT\n    1/2 CUT CHIVES.\n    STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS.\n\n\"I've just GOT to start labeling my software...\"\n\t\t-- Bloom County\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat the hell is it good for?\n\t\t-- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems\n\t\t   Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the\n\t\t   microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"What's that thing?\"\n\t\"Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in\ncomputer repair.  Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what\nit does.  We call it a two-by-four.\"\n\t\t-- Jeff MacNelley, \"Shoe\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer\nhas been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor.\n\t\t-- Fred Brooks\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen someone says \"I want a programming language in which I need only\nsay what I wish done,\" give him a lollipop.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before --\nexcept our fingertips will have been singed.\n\t\t-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen we write programs that \"learn\", it turns out we do and they don't.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers\nsomething which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhere a calculator on the ENIAC is equpped with 18,000 vaccuum tubes and\nweighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vaccuum tubes\nand perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons.\n\t\t-- Popular Mechanics, March 1949\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Who cares if it doesn't do anything?  It was made with our new\nTriple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ...\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy did the Roman Empire collapse?  What is the Latin for office automation?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy do we want intelligent terminals  when there are so many stupid users?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWindows Airlines:\nThe terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants all very attractive, the\npilots very capable. The fleet of Learjets the carrier operates is immense.\nYour jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000\nfeet it explodes without warning.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWith your bare hands?!?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWithin a computer, natural language is unnatural.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWork continues in this area.\n\t\t-- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton\n"}, {"quote": "\nWorthless.\n\t\t-- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS\n\t\t   (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the\n\t\t   Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the\n\t\t   \"analytical engine\" invented by Charles Babbage, September\n\t\t   15, 1842.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWould you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nWriting software is more fun than working.\n"}, {"quote": "\nX windows:\n\tSomething you can be ashamed of.\n\t30"}, {"quote": "\nYea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall fear no\nevil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic operators together.\n\t\t-- Steve Higgins\n"}, {"quote": "\nYes, we will be going to OSI, Mars, and Pluto, but not necessarily in\nthat order.\n\t\t-- Jeffrey Honig\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are an insult to my intelligence!  I demand that you log off immediately.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are false data.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are in the hall of the mountain king.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are lost in the Swamps of Despair.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can be replaced by this computer.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it\ndoesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.\n\t\t-- Hepler, Systems Design 182\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can do this in a number of ways.  IBM chose to do all of them.\nWhy do you find that funny?\n\t\t-- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on\nthe continuing viability of FORTRAN.\n\t\t-- Alan Perlis\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can now buy more gates with less specifications than at any other time\nin history.\n\t\t-- Kenneth Parker\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of\nsupercomputers.\n\t\t-- Steven Feiner\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.\n\nYou can tune a filesystem, but you can't tuna fish.\n\t\t-- from the tunefs(8) man page\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename.\n\t\t-- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"You can't make a program without broken egos.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can't take damsel here now.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou do not have mail.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou had mail.  Paul read it, so ask him what it said.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister).\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou have a message from the operator.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More--\n\nThis is an IBM Manual scroll.--More--\n\nYou are permanently confused.\n\t\t-- Dave Decot\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou have junk mail.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou have mail.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long\nwhen you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to\nmake it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie\nchocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your\nfriend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a \"++\" to fix it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if you ask that dog what his\nfavorite formatter is, and he says \"roff! roff!\", well, I'll just have to...\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou might have mail.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou must realize that the computer has it in for you.  The irrefutable\nproof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will have a head crash on your private pack.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will have many recoverable tape errors.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will lose an important disk file.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will lose an important tape file.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou're already carrying the sphere!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou're at Witt's End.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou're not Dave.  Who are you?\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou're using a keyboard!  How quaint!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou've been Berkeley'ed!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour code should be more efficient!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour computer account is overdrawn.  Please reauthorize.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour computer account is overdrawn.  Please see Big Brother.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour fault -- core dumped\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket.\nEOF\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour mode of life will be changed to ASCII.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour password is pitifully obvious.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour program is sick!  Shoot it and put it out of its memory.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are\nnow extinct.\"\n- M. Somerset Maugham\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If it ain't broke, don't fix it.\"\n- Bert Lantz\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity.\"\n- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.\"\n- Voltaire\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them\"\n- Heisenberg\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"It takes all sorts of in & out-door schooling to get adapted\nto my kind of fooling\"\n- R. Frost\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Confound these ancestors.... They've stolen our best ideas!\"\n- Ben Jonson\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnd thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that\ncometh out of man, in their sight...Then he [the Lord!] said unto me, Lo, I\nhave given thee cow's dung for man's dung, and thou shalt prepare thy bread\ntherewith.\n[Ezek. 4:12-15 (KJV)]\n"}, {"quote": "\nWear me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm; for love is strong\nas death, passion cruel as the grave; it blazes up like blazing fire, fiercer\nthan any flame.\n[Song of Solomon 8:6 (NEB)]\n"}, {"quote": "\nBut Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to\nthee, to speak these words?  Hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the\nwall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?\n[2 Kings 18:27 (KJV)]\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen Yahweh your gods has settled you in the land you're about to occupy, and\ndriven out many infidels before you...you're to cut them down and exterminate\nthem.  You're to make no compromise with them or show them any mercy.\n[Deut. 7:1 (KJV)]\n"}, {"quote": "\nI just thought of something funny...your mother.\n- Cheech Marin\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will be successful in your work.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe life of a repo man is always intense.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you're not careful, you're going to catch something.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThat's the thing about people who think they hate computers.  What they\nreally hate is lousy programmers.\n- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in \"Oath of Fealty\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWherever you go...There you are.\n- Buckaroo Banzai\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife in the state of nature is solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.\n- Thomas Hobbes, Leviathan\n"}, {"quote": "\nLack of skill dictates economy of style.\n- Joey Ramone\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo one is fit to be trusted with power. ... No one. ... Any man who has lived\nat all knows the follies and wickedness he's capabe of. ... And if he does\nknow it, he knows also that neither he nor any man ought to be allowed to\ndecide a single human fate.\n- C. P. Snow, The Light and the Dark\n"}, {"quote": "\nSuccessful and fortunate crime is called virtue.\n- Seneca\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.\n- Edmund Burke\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou may call me by my name, Wirth, or by my value, Worth.\n- Nicklaus Wirth\n"}, {"quote": "\nGive a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.\nTeach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner.\n- Calvin Keegan\n"}, {"quote": "\nPrediction is very difficult, especially of the future.\n- Niels Bohr\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe computer can't tell you the emotional story.  It can give you the exact\nmathematical design, but what's missing is the eyebrows.\n- Frank Zappa\n"}, {"quote": "\nThings are not as simple as they seems at first.\n- Edward Thorp\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe main thing is the play itself.  I swear that greed for money has nothing\nto do with it, although heaven knows I am sorely in need of money.\n- Feodor Dostoyevsky\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is surely a great calamity for a human being to have no obsessions.\n- Robert Bly\n"}, {"quote": "\nMachines take me by surprise with great frequency.\n- Alan Turing\n"}, {"quote": "\nUncertain fortune is thoroughly mastered by the equity of the calculation.\n- Blaise Pascal\n"}, {"quote": "\nAfter Goliath's defeat, giants ceased to command respect.\n- Freeman Dyson\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are two ways of constructing a software design.  One way is to make\nit so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to\nmake it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.\n- Charles Anthony Richard Hoare\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"It was the Law of the Sea, they said.\tCivilization ends at the waterline.\nBeyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.\"\n- Hunter S. Thompson\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn the pitiful, multipage, connection-boxed form to which the flowchart has\ntoday been elaborated, it has proved to be useless as a design tool --\nprogrammers draw flowcharts after, not before, writing the programs they\ndescribe.\n- Fred Brooks, Jr.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe so-called \"desktop metaphor\" of today's workstations is instead an\n\"airplane-seat\" metaphor.  Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers while\nseated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference -- one can\nsee only a very few things at once.\n- Fred Brooks, Jr.\n"}, {"quote": "\n...when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer has\nbeen known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor.\n- Fred Brooks, Jr.\n"}, {"quote": "\n...computer hardware progress is so fast.  No other technology since\ncivilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price\ngain in 30 years.\n- Fred Brooks, Jr.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDigital computers are themselves more complex than most things people build:\nThey hyave very large numbers of states.  This makes conceiving, describing,\nand testing them hard.  Software systems have orders-of-magnitude more states\nthan computers do.\n- Fred Brooks, Jr.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe complexity of software is an essential property, not an accidental one.\nHence, descriptions of a software entity that abstract away its complexity\noften abstract away its essence.\n- Fred Brooks, Jr.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEinstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because\nGod is not capricious or arbitrary.  No such faith comforts the software\nengineer.\n- Fred Brooks, Jr.\n"}, {"quote": "\nExcept for 75"}, {"quote": " of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.\n- Ellyn Mustard\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only way to learn a new programming language is by writing programs in it.\n- Brian Kernighan\n"}, {"quote": "\nPerfection is acheived only on the point of collapse.\n- C. N. Parkinson\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere you go man,\nKeep as cool as you can.\nIt riles them to believe that you perceive the web they weave.\nKeep on being free!\n"}, {"quote": "\nBingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise,\nand you'll be Gary, Indiana. - Jessie in the movie \"Greaser's Palace\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHoping to goodness is not theologically sound. - Peanuts\n"}, {"quote": "\nPolice up your spare rounds and frags.  Don't leave nothin' for the dinks.\n- Willem Dafoe in \"Platoon\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.\"\n-- Jane Wagner\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Any medium powerful enough to extend man's reach is powerful enough to topple\nhis world.  To get the medium's magic to work for one's aims rather than\nagainst them is to attain literacy.\"\n-- Alan Kay, \"Computer Software\", Scientific American, September 1984\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The greatest warriors are the ones who fight for peace.\"\n-- Holly Near\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"No matter where you go, there you are...\"\n-- Buckaroo Banzai\n"}, {"quote": "\nTrespassers will be shot.  Survivors will be prosecuted.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTrespassers will be shot.  Survivors will be SHOT AGAIN!\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I'm growing older, but not up.\"\n-- Jimmy Buffett\n"}, {"quote": "\nScientists will study your brain to learn more about your distant cousin, Man.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I hate the itching.  But I don't mind the swelling.\"\n-- new buzz phrase, like \"Where's the Beef?\" that David Letterman's trying\n   to get everyone to start saying\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour own mileage may vary.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Oh dear, I think you'll find reality's on the blink again.\"\n-- Marvin The Paranoid Android\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Send lawyers, guns and money...\"\n-- Lyrics from a Warren Zevon song\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.\"\n- H. L. Mencken\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Remember, Information is not knowledge; Knowledge is not Wisdom;\nWisdom is not truth; Truth is not beauty; Beauty is not love;\nLove is not music; Music is the best.\" -- Frank Zappa\n"}, {"quote": "\nI can't drive 55.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"And they told us, what they wanted...\n Was a sound that could kill some-one, from a distance.\" -- Kate Bush\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"In the face of entropy and nothingness, you kind of have to pretend it's not\nthere if you want to keep writing good code.\"  -- Karl Lehenbauer\n"}, {"quote": "\nBadges?  We don't need no stinking badges.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI can't drive 55.\nI'm looking forward to not being able to drive 65, either.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThank God a million billion times you live in Texas.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Can you program?\"  \"Well, I'm literate, if that's what you mean!\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo user-servicable parts inside.  Refer to qualified service personnel.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRegarding astral projection, Woody Allen once wrote, \"This is not a bad way\nto travel, although there is usually a half-hour wait for luggage.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo not underestimate the value of print statements for debugging.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo not underestimate the value of print statements for debugging.\nDon't have aesthetic convulsions when using them, either.\n"}, {"quote": "\nConceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed from one\nmind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.\n- Frederick Brooks Jr., \"The Mythical Man Month\" \n"}, {"quote": "\nThe evolution of the human race will not be accomplished in the ten thousand\nyears of tame animals, but in the million years of wild animals, because man\nis and will always be a wild animal.\n-- Charles Galton Darwin\n"}, {"quote": "\nNatural selection won't matter soon, not anywhere as much as concious selection.\nWe will civilize and alter ourselves to suit our ideas of what we can be.\nWithin one more human lifespan, we will have changed ourselves unrecognizably.\n-- Greg Bear\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.\"\n-- Michael O'Donohugh\n"}, {"quote": "\n...though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage from\nbeginning to end. -- Vernor Vinge, \"The Peace War\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"It's like deja vu all over again.\"   -- Yogi Berra\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.\n-- Blaise Pascal\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?\" he asked.  \"Begin at the beginning,\"\nthe King said, gravely, \"and go on till you come to the end: then stop.\"\nAlice's Adventures in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll\n"}, {"quote": "\nA morsel of genuine history is a thing so rare as to be always valuable.\n-- Thomas Jefferson\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo be awake is to be alive.  -- Henry David Thoreau, in \"Walden\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nA person with one watch knows what time it is; a person with two watches is\nnever sure.   Proverb\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou see but you do not observe.\nSir Arthur Conan Doyle, in \"The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nA quarrel is quickly settled when deserted by one party; there is no battle\nunless there be two.  -- Seneca\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a proverb is no proverb\nto you till your life has illustrated it.  -- John Keats\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe fancy is indeed no other than a mode of memory emancipated from the order\nof space and time.  -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens.\n-- Bengamin Disraeli\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing in progression can rest on its original plan.  We may as well think of\nrocking a grown man in the cradle of an infant.  -- Edmund Burke\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat, and wrong.\n-- H. L. Mencken\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't tell me how hard you work.  Tell me how much you get done.\n-- James J. Ling\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.\nFriendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought,\na rivalry of aim.  -- Henry Brook Adams\n"}, {"quote": "\nEach honest calling, each walk of life, has its own elite, its own aristocracy\nbased on excellence of performance.  -- James Bryant Conant\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can observe a lot just by watching.  -- Yogi Berra\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf the presence of electricity can be made visible in any part of a circuit, I\nsee no reason why intelligence may not be transmitted instantaneously by\nelectricity.  -- Samuel F. B. Morse\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Mr. Watson, come here, I want you.\"   -- Alexander Graham Bell\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's currently a problem of access to gigabits through punybaud.\n-- J. C. R. Licklider\n"}, {"quote": "\nA right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.\n-- Ramsey Clark\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate\nknowledge of its ugly side.  -- James Baldwin\n"}, {"quote": "\nSmall is beautiful.\n"}, {"quote": "\n...the increased productivity fostered by a friendly environment and quality\ntools is essential to meet ever increasing demands for software.\n-- M. D. McIlroy, E. N. Pinson and B. A. Tague\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is not best to swap horses while crossing the river.\n-- Abraham Lincoln\n"}, {"quote": "\nMirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.\n-- Jean Cocteau\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.\nYou'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.\n-- Robert Lucky\n"}, {"quote": "\nGet hold of portable property.  -- Charles Dickens, \"Great Expectations\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow many hardware guys does it take to change a light bulb?\n\n\"Well the diagnostics say it's fine buddy, so it's a software problem.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes.  I get stranger things than you free\nwith my breakfast cereal.\"\n- Zaphod Beeblebrox in \"Hithiker's Guide to the Galaxy\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nUncompensated overtime?  Just Say No.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDecaffeinated coffee?  Just Say No.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.\"\n- Martin Mull\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"This isn't brain surgery; it's just television.\"\n- David Letterman\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Morality is one thing.  Ratings are everything.\"\n- A Network 23 executive on \"Max Headroom\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nLive free or die.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"...if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust,\n this would be a better world.\"  - Garrison Keillor, \"Lake Wobegon Days\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nOutside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.  Inside of a dog, it is too\ndark to read.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Probably the best operating system in the world is the [operating system]\n made for the PDP-11 by Bell Laboratories.\" - Ted Nelson, October 1977\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"All these black people are screwing up my democracy.\" - Ian Smith\n"}, {"quote": "\nUse the Force, Luke.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI've got a bad feeling about this.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe power to destroy a planet is insignificant when compared to the power of\nthe Force.\n- Darth Vader\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen I left you, I was but the pupil.  Now, I am the master.\n- Darth Vader\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Well, well, well!  Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in\npoison!  How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil?  Come\nand get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!\"\n- Alex in \"Clockwork Orange\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n186,000 Miles per Second.  It's not just a good idea.  IT'S THE LAW.\n"}, {"quote": "\nStupidity, like virtue, is its own reward.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGee, Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.\n"}, {"quote": "\nChildren begin by loving their parents.  After a time they judge them.  Rarely,\nif ever, do they forgive them.\n- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nSingle tasking: Just Say No.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world.\"\n- The Beach Boys\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them\nseemed to come from Texas.\"\n- Ian Fleming, \"Casino Royale\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I think trash is the most important manifestation of culture we have in my\nlifetime.\"\n- Johnny Legend\n"}, {"quote": "\nEven if you can deceive people about a product through misleading statements,\nsooner or later the product will speak for itself.\n- Hajime Karatsu\n"}, {"quote": "\nMemories of you remind me of you.\n-- Karl Lehenbauer\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife.  Don't talk to me about life.\n- Marvin the Paranoid Anroid\n"}, {"quote": "\nOn a clear disk you can seek forever.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe world is coming to an end--save your buffers!\n"}, {"quote": "\ngrep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is your destiny.\n- Darth Vader\n"}, {"quote": "\nHokey religions and ancient weapons are no substitute for a good blaster at\nyour side.\n- Han Solo\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow many QA engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\n\n3: 1 to screw it in and 2 to say \"I told you so\" when it doesn't work.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow many NASA managers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\n\n\"That's a known problem... don't worry about it.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo be is to program.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo program is to be.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI program, therefore I am.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople are very flexible and learn to adjust to strange\nsurroundings -- they can become accustomed to read Lisp and\nFortran programs, for example.\n- Leon Sterling and Ehud Shapiro, Art of Prolog, MIT Press\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I am your density.\"\n  -- George McFly in \"Back to the Future\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"So why don't you make like a tree, and get outta here.\"\n  -- Biff in \"Back to the Future\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in restraint.\"\n-- Dave Sim, author of Cerebrus.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe existence of god implies a violation of causality.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously.\"\n- Doctor Graper\n"}, {"quote": "\nOperating-system software is the program that orchestrates all the basic\nfunctions of a computer.\n- The Wall Street Journal, Tuesday, September 15, 1987, page 40\n"}, {"quote": "\nI pledge allegiance to the flag\nof the United States of America\nand to the republic for which it stands,\none nation,\nindivisible,\nwith liberty\nand justice for all.\n- Francis Bellamy, 1892\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his \nears.  I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.\n-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big sattelite photo of\nthe entire earth on it. On the back it said: \"Wish you were here\".\n -- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can't have everything... where would you put it?\n-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nI was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and\n4 people died.\n-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou know that feeling when you're leaning back on a stool and it starts to tip \nover?  Well, that's how I feel all the time.\n-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nI came home the other night and tried to open the door with my car keys...and \nthe building started up.  So I took it out for a drive.  A cop pulled me over \nfor speeding.  He asked me where I live... \"Right here\".\n-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Live or die, I'll make a million.\"\n-- Reebus Kneebus, before his jump to the center of the earth, Firesign Theater\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe typical page layout program is nothing more than an electronic\nlight table for cutting and pasting documents.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are bugs and then there are bugs.  And then there are bugs.\n-- Karl Lehenbauer\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy computer can beat up your computer.\n- Karl Lehenbauer\n"}, {"quote": "\nKill Ugly Processor Architectures\n- Karl Lehenbauer\n"}, {"quote": "\nKill Ugly Radio\n- Frank Zappa\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Just Say No.\"   - Nancy Reagan\n\n\"No.\"            - Ronald Reagan\n"}, {"quote": "\nRepel them.  Repel them.  Induce them to relinquish the spheroid.\n- Indiana University fans' chant for their perennially bad football team\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf it's working, the diagnostics say it's fine.\nIf it's not working, the diagnostics say it's fine.\n- A proposed addition to rules for realtime programming\n"}, {"quote": "\nI believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability\nmore wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjution\nwith meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder\nchild.\n- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn the realm of scientific observation, luck is granted only to those who are\nprepared.\n- Louis Pasteur\n"}, {"quote": "\ncore error - bus dumped\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf imprinted foil seal under cap is broken or missing when purchased, do not \nuse.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Come on over here, baby, I want to do a thing with you.\"\n- A Cop, arresting a non-groovy person after the revolution, Firesign Theater\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Ahead warp factor 1\"\n- Captain Kirk\n"}, {"quote": "\nHarrison's Postulate:\n\tFor every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMr. Cole's Axiom:\n\tThe sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant;\n\tthe population is growing.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFelson's Law:\n\tTo steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from\n\tmany is research.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better,\nand (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can\nconvince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health.\n- Sir Peter Medawar, The Art of the Soluble\n"}, {"quote": "\nAmerica has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.\n- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nUnix:  Some say the learning curve is steep, but you only have to climb it once.\n-- Karl Lehenbauer\n"}, {"quote": "\nSometimes, too long is too long.\n- Joe Crowe\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall one by one,\nan unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle.\n- Edmund Burke\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Of all the tyrannies that affect mankind, tyranny in religion is the worst.\"\n- Thomas Paine\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I say we take off; nuke the site from orbit.  It's the only way to be sure.\"\n- Corporal Hicks, in \"Aliens\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"There is nothing so deadly as not to hold up to people the opportunity to\ndo great and wonderful things, if we wish to stimulate them in an active way.\"\n- Dr. Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate in chemistry\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Athens built the Acropolis.  Corinth was a commercial city, interested in\npurely materialistic things.  Today we admire Athens, visit it, preserve the\nold temples, yet we hardly ever set foot in Corinth.\"\n- Dr. Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate in chemistry\n"}, {"quote": "\nI do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign itself\nto going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon...\n- Lyndon B. Johnson\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife's the same, except for the shoes.\n- The Cars\n"}, {"quote": "\nPurple hum\nAssorted cars\nLaser lights, you bring\n\nAll to prove\nYou're on the move\nand vanishing\n- The Cars\n"}, {"quote": "\nCould be you're crossing the fine line\nA silly driver kind of...off the wall\n\nYou keep it cool when it's t-t-tight\n...eyes wide open when you start to fall.\n- The Cars\n"}, {"quote": "\nAdapt.  Enjoy.  Survive.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWere there fewer fools, knaves would starve.\n- Anonymous\n"}, {"quote": "\nHumanity has the stars in its future, and that future is too important to be\nlost under the burden of juvenile folly and ignorant superstition.\n- Isaac Asimov\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnd the crowd was stilled.  One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence,\nturned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said.  Wide-eyed,\nthe Child raised his voice and said once again, \"Why, the Emperor has no\nclothes!  He is naked!\"\n- \"The Emperor's New Clothes\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of\nSilly Putty.\"\n-  Dennis Rawlins, astronomer\n"}, {"quote": "\nDoubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.\n- Kahlil Gibran\n"}, {"quote": "\nDoubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.\n- Paul Tillich, German theologian and historian\n"}, {"quote": "\nDoubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.\n- Voltaire\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf only God would give me some clear sign!  Like making a large deposit\nin my name at a Swiss Bank.\n- Woody Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nI cannot affirm God if I fail to affirm man.  Therefore, I affirm both.\nWithout a belief in human unity I am hungry and incomplete.  Human unity\nis the fulfillment of diversity.  It is the harmony of opposites.  It is\na many-stranded texture, with color and depth.\n- Norman Cousins\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo downgrade the human mind is bad theology.\n- C. K. Chesterton\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is a process, not a principle, a mystery to be lived, not a problem to\nbe solved.\n- Gerard Straub, television producer and author (stolen from Frank Herbert??)\n"}, {"quote": "\nSo we follow our wandering paths, and the very darkness acts as our guide and\nour doubts serve to reassure us.\n- Jean-Pierre de Caussade, eighteenth-century Jesuit priest\n"}, {"quote": "\nFaith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurence of the\nimprobable.\n- H. L. Mencken\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnd do you not think that each of you women is an Eve?  The judgement of God\nupon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of \ncriminal at the bar of justice.\n- Tertullian, second-century Christian writer, misogynist\n"}, {"quote": "\nI judge a religion as being good or bad based on whether its adherents\nbecome better people as a result of practicing it.\n- Joe Mullally, computer salesman\n"}, {"quote": "\nImitation is the sincerest form of plagarism.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Unibus timeout fatal trap program lost sorry\"\n- An error message printed by DEC's RSTS operating system for the PDP-11\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\n\nOne to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored\npower tools.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow many Bavarian Illuminati does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\n\nThree: one to screw it in, and one to confuse the issue.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow long does it take a DEC field service engineer to change a lightbulb?\n\nIt depends on how many bad ones he brought with him.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God.\nIt neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.\n- Thomas Jefferson\n"}, {"quote": "\nI do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman\nChurch, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church,\nnor by any Church that I know of.  My own mind is my own Church.\n- Thomas Paine\n"}, {"quote": "\nGod requireth not a uniformity of religion.\n- Roger Williams\n"}, {"quote": "\nI do not find in orthodox Christianity one redeeming feature.\n- Thomas Jefferson\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity.  Nowhere\nin the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths,\nDoctrines, and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in\nChristianity.\n- John Adams\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion.  I could\nnever give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.\n- Abraham Lincoln\n"}, {"quote": "\nI would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have\ngotten the hostages released.  I thank God they were satisfied with the\nmissiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme.\n- Oliver North\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and\nfellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are\ndrifting side by side to our common doom.\n- Clarence Darrow\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe're here to give you a computer, not a religion.\n- attributed to Bob Pariseau, at the introduction of the Amiga\n"}, {"quote": "\n...there can be no public or private virtue unless the foundation of action is\nthe practice of truth.\n- George Jacob Holyoake\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If you'll excuse me a minute, I'm going to have a cup of coffee.\"\n- broadcast from Apollo 11's LEM, \"Eagle\", to Johnson Space Center, Houston\n  July 20, 1969, 7:27 P.M.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe meek are contesting the will.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm sick of being trodden on!  The Elder Gods say they can make me a man!\nAll it costs is my soul!  I'll do it, cuz NOW I'M MAD!!!\n- Necronomicomics #1, Jack Herman & Jeff Dee\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I'm a mean green mother from outer space\"\n -- Audrey II, The Little Shop of Horrors\n"}, {"quote": "\nAny sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.\n- Andy Finkel, computer guy\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeing schizophrenic is better than living alone.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNOWPRINT. NOWPRINT. Clemclone, back to the shadows again.\n- The Firesign Theater\n"}, {"quote": "\nYes, many primitive people still believe this myth...But in today's technical \nvastness of the future, we can guess that surely things were much different.\n- The Firesign Theater\n"}, {"quote": "\n...this is an awesome sight.  The entire rebel resistance buried under six\nmillion hardbound copies of \"The Naked Lunch.\"\n- The Firesign Theater\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe want to create puppets that pull their own strings.\n- Ann Marion\n"}, {"quote": "\nI know engineers.  They love to change things.\n- Dr. McCoy\n"}, {"quote": "\nOn our campus the UNIX system has proved to be not only an effective software\ntool, but an agent of technical and social change within the University.\n- John Lions (U. of Toronto (?))\n"}, {"quote": "\nThose who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.\n- Henry Spencer, University of Toronto Unix hack\n"}, {"quote": "\nClothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society.\n- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money.\n- Ed Bluestone\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe's dead, Jim.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNew York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.\n- David Letterman\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.\n- Al Capone\n"}, {"quote": "\nRemember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.\n- Frank Zappa\n"}, {"quote": "\nI think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and\ntired of being told that ordinary decent people are fed up in this\ncountry with being sick and tired.  I'm certainly not.  But I'm\nsick and tired of being told that I am.\n- Monty Python\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"There is no statute of limitations on stupidity.\"\n-- Randomly produced by a computer program called Markov3.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is a time in the tides of men,\nWhich, taken at its flood, leads on to success.\nOn the other hand, don't count on it.\n- T. K. Lawson\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo follow foolish precedents, and wink\nWith both our eyes, is easier than to think.\n- William Cowper\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.\n- Lucius Annaeus Seneca (4 B.C. - A.D. 65)\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing ever becomes real until it is experienced.\n- John Keats\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour good nature will bring you unbounded happiness.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"We can't schedule an orgy, it might be construed as fighting\"\n--Stanley Sutton\n"}, {"quote": "\nWeekends were made for programming.\n- Karl Lehenbauer\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis was the ultimate form of ostentation among technology freaks -- to have\na system so complete and sophisticated that nothing showed; no machines,\nno wires, no controls.\n- Michael Swanwick, \"Vacuum Flowers\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Ada is the work of an architect, not a computer scientist.\"\n- Jean Icbiah, inventor of Ada, weenie\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvolution is a bankrupt speculative philosophy, not a scientific fact.\nOnly a spiritually bankrupt society could ever believe it. ... Only\natheists could accept this Satanic theory.\n- Rev. Jimmy Swaggart, \"The Pre-Adamic Creation and Evolution\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nNow I lay me down to sleep\nI hear the sirens in the street\nAll my dreams are made of chrome\nI have no way to get back home\n- Tom Waits\n"}, {"quote": "\nI am here by the will of the people and I won't leave until I get my raincoat\nback.\n- a slogan of the anarchists in Richard Kadrey's \"Metrophage\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb ?\n\nSeven:  One to install the new bulb, and six to determine what to do\n        with the old one for the next 10,000 years.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAs long as we're going to reinvent the wheel again, we might as well try making\nit round this time.\n- Mike Dennison\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis restaurant was advertising breakfast any time. So I ordered\nfrench toast in the renaissance.\n- Steven Wright, comedian\n"}, {"quote": "\nEveryone has a purpose in life.  Perhaps yours is watching television.\n- David Letterman\n"}, {"quote": "\ne-credibility: the non-guaranteeable likelihood that the electronic data \nyou're seeing is genuine rather than somebody's made-up crap.\n- Karl Lehenbauer\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhenever people agree with me, I always think I must be wrong.\n- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy mother is a fish.\n- William Faulkner\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain it\nseems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the\nfear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving\nafter rational knowledge.\n- Albert Einstein\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think,\nrecognize that the domination of education or of government by any one\nparticular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.\n- Eleanor Roosevelt\n"}, {"quote": "\nSpiritual leadership should remain spiritual leadership and the temporal\npower should not become too important in any church.\n- Eleanor Roosevelt\n"}, {"quote": "\nTruth has always been found to promote the best interests of mankind...\n- Percy Bysshe Shelley\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is wrong always, everywhere and for everyone to believe anything upon\ninsufficient evidence.\n- W. K. Clifford, British philosopher, circa 1876\n"}, {"quote": "\nMarriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.\n- Voltaire\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity.  We are all formed\nof frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly --\nthat is the first law of nature.\n- Voltaire\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is clear that the individual who persecutes a man, his brother, because\nhe is not of the same opinion, is a monster.\n- Voltaire\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe man scarce lives who is not more credulous than he ought to be.... The\nnatural disposition is always to believe.  It is acquired wisdom and experience\nonly that teach incredulity, and they very seldom teach it enough.\n- Adam Smith\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell's ass.\"\n- Senator Barry Goldwater, when asked what he thought of Jerry Falwell's\nsuggestion that all good Christians should be against Sandra Day O'Connor's\nnomination to the Supreme Court\n"}, {"quote": "\n...it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the\nexistence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great\nsystems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative\nhypothesis of an extremely low order of probability.\n- Sidney Hook\n"}, {"quote": "\nA fanatic is a person who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.\n- Winston Churchill\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe're fighting against humanism, we're fighting against liberalism...\nwe are fighting against all the systems of Satan that are destroying\nour nation today...our battle is with Satan himself.\n- Jerry Falwell\n"}, {"quote": "\nThey [preachers] dread the advance of science as witches do the approach\nof daylight and scowl on the fatal harbinger announcing the subversions\nof the duperies on which they live.\n- Thomas Jefferson\n"}, {"quote": "\nSaints should always be judged guilty until they are proven innocent.\n- George Orwell\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing is easier than to denounce the evildoer; nothing is more difficult\nthan to understand him.\n- Fyodor Dostoevski\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Messiah will come.  There will be a resurrection of the dead -- all\nthe things that Jews believed in before they got so damn sophisticated.\n- Rabbi Meir Kahane\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe world is no nursery.\n- Sigmund Freud\n"}, {"quote": "\n...I would go so far as to suggest that, were it not for our ego and \nconcern to be different, the African apes would be included in our \nfamily, the Hominidae.\n- Richard Leakey\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Well, you see, it's such a transitional creature.  It's a piss-poor\nreptile and not very much of a bird.\"\n- Melvin Konner, from \"The Tangled Wing\", quoting a zoologist who has\nstudied the archeopteryz and found it \"very much like people\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"You need tender loving care once a week - so that I can slap you into shape.\"\n- Ellyn Mustard\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God but to\n create him.\"\n -Arthur C. Clarke\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Why should we subsidize intellectual curiosity?\"\n -Ronald Reagan\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"There is nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things \n we don't know yet.\"\n -Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Plan to throw one away.  You will anyway.\"\n- Fred Brooks, \"The Mythical Man Month\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou need tender loving care once a week - so that I can slap you into shape.\n- Ellyn Mustard\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God but to\n create him.\"\n -Arthur C. Clarke\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Why should we subsidize intellectual curiosity?\"\n -Ronald Reagan\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"There is nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things \n we don't know yet.\"\n -Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I have just one word for you, my boy...plastics.\"\n- from \"The Graduate\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"There is such a fine line between genius and stupidity.\"\n- David St. Hubbins, \"Spinal Tap\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If Diet Coke did not exist it would have been neccessary to invent it.\"\n-- Karl Lehenbauer\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn space, no one can hear you fart.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBrain damage is all in your head.\n-- Karl Lehenbauer\n"}, {"quote": "\nWish and hope succeed in discerning signs of paranormality where reason and\ncareful scientific procedure fail.\n- James E. Alcock, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. 12\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"It is better to have tried and failed than to have failed to try, but\nthe result's the same.\"\n- Mike Dennison\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is not well to be thought of as one who meekly submits to insolence and\nintimidation.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Regardless of the legal speed limit, your Buick must be operated at\nspeeds faster than 85 MPH (140kph).\"\n-- 1987 Buick Grand National owners manual.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Your attitude determines your attitude.\"\n-- Zig Ziglar, self-improvement doofus\n"}, {"quote": "\nThufir's a Harkonnen now.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other\ndesigners in the thin disguise of good, clean fun.\"\n-- P. J. Plauger, from his April Fool's column in April 88's \"Computer Language\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If you want to eat hippopatomus, you've got to pay the freight.\"\n-- attributed to an IBM guy, about why IBM software uses so much memory\n"}, {"quote": "\nParkinson's Law:  Work expands to fill the time alloted it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKarl's version of Parkinson's Law:  Work expands to exceed the time alloted it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is better to never have tried anything than to have tried something and\nfailed.\n- motto of jerks, weenies and losers everywhere\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"...all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned products,\nif they are built at all, are dogs!\"\n-- David E. Lundstrom, \"A Few Good Men From Univac\", MIT Press, 1987\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"To take a significant step forward, you must make a series of finite \nimprovements.\"\n-- Donald J. Atwood, General Motors\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"We will bury you.\"\n-- Nikita Kruschev\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Now here's something you're really going to like!\"\n-- Rocket J. Squirrel\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"How to make a million dollars:  First, get a million dollars.\"\n-- Steve Martin\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.\"\n-- B. L. Whorf\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"For the love of phlegm...a stupid wall of death rays.  How tacky can ya get?\"\n- Post Brothers comics\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Bureaucracy is the enemy of innovation.\"\n-- Mark Shepherd, former President and CEO of Texas Instruments\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"An organization dries up if you don't challenge it with growth.\"\n-- Mark Shepherd, former President and CEO of Texas Instruments\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I've seen it.  It's rubbish.\"\n-- Marvin the Paranoid Android\n"}, {"quote": "\nOur business is run on trust.  We trust you will pay in advance.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Infidels in all ages have battled for the rights of man, and have at all times\nbeen the fearless advocates of liberty and justice.\"\n-- Robert Green Ingersoll\n"}, {"quote": "\nI find you lack of faith in the forth dithturbing.\n- Darse (\"Darth\") Vader\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"All Bibles are man-made.\"\n-- Thomas Edison\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Spock, did you see the looks on their faces?\"\n\"Yes, Captain, a sort of vacant contentment.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The triumph of libertarian anarchy is nearly (in historical terms) at\nhand... *if* we can keep the Left from selling us into slavery and the\nRight from blowing us up for, say, the next twenty years.\"\n-- Eric Rayman, usenet guy, about nanotechnology\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.\"\n-- Albert Einstein\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I think Michael is like litmus paper - he's always trying to learn.\"\n-- Elizabeth Taylor, absurd non-sequitir about Michael Jackson\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's printed on.\"\n- Samuel Goldwyn\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"We shall reach greater and greater platitudes of achievement.\"\n-- Richard J. Daley\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"With molasses you catch flies, with vinegar you catch nobody.\"\n-- Baltimore City Councilman Dominic DiPietro\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Lead us in a few words of silent prayer.\"\n-- Bill Peterson, former Houston Oiler football coach\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I couldn't remember things until I took that Sam Carnegie course.\"\n-- Bill Peterson, former Houston Oiler football coach\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Right now I feel that I've got my feet on the ground as far as my head\nis concerned.\"\n-- Baseball pitcher Bo Belinsky\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Ninety percent of baseball is half mental.\"\n-- Yogi Berra\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"jackpot:  you may have an unneccessary change record\"\n-- message from \"diff\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"One lawyer can steal more than a hundred men with guns.\"\n-- The Godfather\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat's the difference between a computer salesman and a used car salesman?\n\nA used car salesman knows when he's lying.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Those who will be able to conquer software will be able to conquer the\nworld.\"\n-- Tadahiro Sekimoto, president, NEC Corp.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"There are some good people in it, but the orchestra as a whole is equivalent\nto a gang bent on destruction.\"\n-- John Cage, composer\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I believe the use of noise to make music will increase until we reach a\nmusic produced through the aid of electrical instruments which will make\navailable for musical purposes any and all sounds that can be heard.\"\n-- composer John Cage, 1937\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"One day I woke up and discovered that I was in love with tripe.\"\n-- Tom Anderson\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Most people would like to be delivered from\n temptation but would like it to keep in touch.\"\n-- Robert Orben\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe rule on staying alive as a program manager is to give 'em a number or \ngive 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn optimist believes we live in the best world possible; \na pessimist fears this is true.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If John Madden steps outside on February 2, looks down, and doesn't see his \nfeet, we'll have 6 more weeks of Pro football.\"\n-- Chuck Newcombe\n"}, {"quote": "\nDead?\tNo excuse for laying off work.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLead me not into temptation... I can find it myself.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"When people are least sure, they are often most dogmatic.\"\n-- John Kenneth Galbraith\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Nature is very un-American.  Nature never hurries.\"\n-- William George Jordan\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"We learn from history that we learn nothing from history.\"\n-- George Bernard Shaw\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Flattery is all right -- if you don't inhale.\"\n-- Adlai Stevenson\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago.\"\n-- Bernard Berenson\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Summit meetings tend to be like panda matings.\t The expectations are always \nhigh, and the results usually disappointing.\"\n-- Robert Orben\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging \ntheir prejudices.\"\n-- William James\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Tell the truth and run.\"\n-- Yugoslav proverb\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The best index to a person's character is a) how he treats people who can't \ndo him any good and b) how he treats people who can't fight back.\"\n-- Abigail Van Buren\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Never face facts; if you do, you'll never get up in the morning.\"\n-- Marlo Thomas\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Life is a garment we continuously alter, but which never seems to fit.\"\n-- David McCord\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The value of marriage is not that adults produce children, but that children \nproduce adults.\"\n-- Peter De Vries\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.\"\n-- Alfred Adler\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Security is mostly a superstition.  It does not exist in nature... Life is \neither a daring adventure or nothing.\"\n-- Helen Keller\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is \nshipwrecked by the laughter of the gods.\"\n-- Albert Einstein\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Success covers a multitude of blunders.\"\n-- George Bernard Shaw\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The mark of an immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while \nthe mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.\"\n-- William Stekel\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Yes, and I feel bad about rendering their useless carci into dogfood...\"\n-- Badger comics\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Is it really you, Fuzz, or is it Memorex, or is it radiation sickness?\" \n-- Sonic Disruptors comics\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Most of us, when all is said and done, like what we like and make up reasons \nfor it afterwards.\"\n-- Soren F. Petersen\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"You're a creature of the night, Michael.  Wait'll Mom hears about this.\"\n-- from the movie \"The Lost Boys\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Plastic gun.  Ingenious.  More coffee, please.\"\n-- The Phantom comics\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe game of life is a game of boomerangs.  Our thoughts, deeds and words \nreturn to us sooner or later with astounding accuracy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf at first you don't succeed, you are running about average.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"A child is a person who can't understand why someone would give away a \nperfectly good kitten.\"\n-- Doug Larson\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody \nappreciates how difficult it was.\"\n-- Walt West\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Silent gratitude isn't very much use to anyone.\"\n-- G. B. Stearn\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"In matters of principle, stand like a rock; in matters of taste, swim with \nthe current.\"\n-- Thomas Jefferson\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to \nthe left.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"But this one goes to eleven.\"\n-- Nigel Tufnel\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Been through Hell?  Whaddya bring back for me?\"\n-- A. Brilliant\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I don't know what their\n gripe is.  A critic is\n simply someone paid to\n render opinions glibly.\"\n\t\t\t     \"Critics are grinks and\n\t\t\t      groinks.\" \n-- Baron and Badger, from Badger comics\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I've got some amyls.  We could either party later or, like, start his heart.\"\n-- \"Cheech and Chong's Next Movie\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Israel today announced that it is giving up.  The Zionist state will dissolve \nin two weeks time, and its citizens will disperse to various resort communities\naround the world.  Said Prime Minister Yitzhak Shamir, 'Who needs the \naggravation?'\"\n-- Dennis Miller, \"Satuday Night Live\" News\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead \nby using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business \nproduct: a really sharp-looking report.\"\n-- Dave Barry\n"}, {"quote": "\nSHOP OR DIE, people of Earth!\n[offer void where prohibited]\n-- Capitalists from outer space, from Justice League Int'l comics\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Roman Polanski makes his own blood.  He's smart -- that's why his movies work.\"\n-- A brilliant director at \"Frank's Place\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The following is not for the weak of heart or Fundamentalists.\"\n-- Dave Barry\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I take Him shopping with me. I say, 'OK, Jesus, help me find a bargain'\" \n--Tammy Faye Bakker\n"}, {"quote": "\nGary Hart:  living proof that you *can* screw your brains out.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBlessed be those who initiate lively discussions with the hopelessly mute,\nfor they shall be know as Dentists.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I don't believe in sweeping social change being manifested by one person, \nunless he has an atomic weapon.\"\n-- Howard Chaykin\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Ever free-climbed a thousand foot vertical cliff with 60 pounds of gear \nstrapped to your butt?\"\n   \"No.\"\n\"'Course you haven't, you fruit-loop little geek.\"\n-- The Mountain Man, one of Dana Carvey's SNL characters\n[ditto]\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I mean, like, I just read your article in the Yale law recipe, on search and\nseizure.  Man, that was really Out There.\"\n   \"I was so WRECKED when I wrote that...\"\n-- John Lovitz, as ex-Supreme Court nominee Alan Ginsburg, on SNL\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Hi, I'm Professor Alan Ginsburg... But you can call me... Captain Toke.\"\n-- John Lovitz, as ex-Supreme Court nominee Alan Ginsburg, on SNL\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's great to be smart 'cause then you know stuff.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Time is money and money can't buy you love and I love your outfit\"\n- T.H.U.N.D.E.R. #1\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Can't you just gesture hypnotically and make him disappear?\"\n    \"It does not work that way.  RUN!\"\n-- Hadji on metaphyics and Mandrake in \"Johnny Quest\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"You shouldn't make my toaster angry.\"\n-- Household security explained in \"Johnny Quest\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n \"Someone's been mean to you! Tell me who it is, so I can punch him tastefully.\"\n-- Ralph Bakshi's Mighty Mouse\n"}, {"quote": "\nVictory or defeat!\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Everyone is entitled to an *informed* opinion.\"\n-- Harlan Ellison\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"It's curtains for you, Mighty Mouse!  This gun is so futuristic that even \n*I* don't know how it works!\"\n-- from Ralph Bakshi's Mighty Mouse\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.\"\n-- George Carlin\n"}, {"quote": "\nA university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem.\n"}, {"quote": "\n   \"Daddy, Daddy, make\n    Santa Claus go away!\"\n\t\t       \"I can't, son;\n\t\t\the's grown too\n\t\t\tpowerful.\"\n\t\t\t\t     \"HO HO HO!\"\n-- Duck's Breath Mystery Theatre\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If it's not loud, it doesn't work!\"\n-- Blank Reg, from \"Max Headroom\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure that you're the \none holding it\"\n-- Captain Combat\n"}, {"quote": "\nDelta: We never make the same mistake three times.   -- David Letterman\n"}, {"quote": "\nDelta: A real man lands where he wants to.   -- David Letterman\n"}, {"quote": "\nDelta: The kids will love our inflatable slides.    -- David Letterman\n"}, {"quote": "\nDelta: We're Amtrak with wings.    -- David Letterman\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what is \ngood or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.\n -- John Kenneth Galbraith\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Hello again, Peabody here...\"\n-- Mister Peabody\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"It's the best thing since professional golfers on 'ludes.\"\n-- Rick Obidiah\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"To your left is the marina where several senior cabinet officials keep luxury \nyachts for weekend cruises on the Potomac.  Some of these ships are up to 100 \nfeet in length; the Presidential yacht is over 200 feet in length, and can \nremain submerged for up to 3 weeks.\"\n-- Garrison Keillor\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Well, social relevance is a schtick, like mysteries, social relevance, \nscience fiction...\"\n-- Art Spiegelman\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"One of the problems I've always had with propaganda pamphlets is that they're \nreal boring to look at.  They're just badly designed.  People from the left\noften are very well-intended, but they never had time to take basic design \nclasses, you know?\"\n-- Art Spiegelman\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If you took everyone who's ever been to a Dead\n show, and lined them up, they'd stretch halfway to\n the moon and back... and none of them would be\n complaining.\"\n-- a local Deadhead in the Seattle Times\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"And remember: Evil will always prevail, because Good is dumb.\"\n-- Spaceballs\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy are many scientists using lawyers for medical\nexperiments instead of rats?\n\n\ta)  There are more lawyers than rats.\n\tb)  The scientist's don't become as\n \t    emotionally attached to them.\n\tc)  There are some things that even rats \n\t    won't do for money.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"During the race\n\t We may eat your dust,\n\t But when you graduate,\n\t You'll work for us.\"\n\t-- Reed College cheer\n"}, {"quote": "\nPohl's law: \n\t Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPig: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by the \nsplendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope,\nfor it balks at pig.\n-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.\"\n-- James Watt\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this\n country what it once was... an arctic wilderness.\"\n-- Steve Martin\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.\"\n-- Woody Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nNoncombatant:  A dead Quaker.\n-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it \nis I'll get married again.\"\n-- Clint Eastwood\n"}, {"quote": "\nA lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.  \nI believe everything positively stinks.\n-- Lew Col\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:  How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?\nA:  Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDiplomacy is the art of saying \"nice doggy\" until you can find a rock.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHarrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:\n\tExperience is directly proportional to the\n\tamount of equipment ruined.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCaptain Penny's Law:\n\tYou can fool all of the people some of the\n\ttime, and some of the people all of the\n\ttime, but you can't fool mom.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Because he's a character who's looking for his own identity, [He-Man is] \nan interesting role for an actor.\"\n-- Dolph Lundgren, \"actor\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If Jesus came back today, and saw what was going on in his name, he'd never \nstop throwing up.\"\n-- Max Von Sydow's character in \"Hannah and Her Sisters\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again.  \nGod -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.\"\n-- Woody Allen's character in \"Hannah and Her Sisters\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core.\"\n-- Hannah Arendt.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQuod licet Iovi non licet bovi.\n(What Jove may do, is not permitted to a cow.)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I distrust a man who says 'when.'  If he's got to be careful not to drink too \nmuch, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.\"\n-- Sidney Greenstreet, _The Maltese Falcon_\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll extremists should be taken out and shot.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The sixties were good to you, weren't they?\"\n-- George Carlin\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"You stay here, Audrey -- this is between me and the vegetable!\"\n-- Seymour, from _Little Shop Of Horrors_\n"}, {"quote": "\nFrom Sharp minds come... pointed heads.\n-- Bryan Sparrowhawk\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are two kinds of egotists: 1) Those who admit it  2) The rest of us\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The picture's pretty bleak, gentlemen...  The world's climates are changing, \nthe mammals are taking over, and we all have a brain about the size of a \nwalnut.\"\n-- some dinosaurs from The Far Side, by Gary Larson\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb \nyour cities.\"\n-- Robin Williams, _Good Morning Vietnam_\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy won't sharks eat lawyers?   Professional courtesy.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"You know, we've won awards for this crap.\"\n-- David Letterman\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt was pity stayed his hand.\n\"Pity I don't have any more bullets,\" thought Frito.\n-- _Bored_of_the_Rings_, a Harvard Lampoon parody of Tolkein\n"}, {"quote": "\nA good USENET motto would be:\n a. \"Together, a strong community.\"\n b. \"Computers R Us.\"\n c. \"I'm sick of programming, I think I'll just screw around for a while on \n     company time.\"\n-- A Sane Man\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"He didn't run for reelection.\t`Politics brings you into contact with all the \npeople you'd give anything to avoid,' he said. `I'm staying home.'\"\n-- Garrison Keillor, _Lake_Wobegone_Days_\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and \nfire them all off, wouldn't you?\"\n-- Garrison Keillor\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Mr. Spock succumbs to a powerful mating urge and nearly kills Captain Kirk.\"\n-- TV Guide, describing the Star Trek episode _Amok_Time_\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Poor man... he was like an employee to me.\"\n-- The police commisioner on \"Sledge Hammer\" laments the death of his bodyguard\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Trust me.  I know what I'm doing.\"\n-- Sledge Hammer\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Hi.  This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine.  Please leave your name and \nnumber... and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you\n in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the F.B.I... BEEEP\"\n -- Blue Devil comics\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"All God's children are not beautiful.\tMost of God's children are, in fact, \nbarely presentable.\"\n-- Fran Lebowitz\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?\"\n-- Lily Tomlin\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhom the gods would destroy, they first teach BASIC.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Look! There! Evil!.. pure and simple, total evil from the Eighth Dimension!\"\n-- Buckaroo Banzai\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I may be synthetic, but I'm not stupid\"\n-- the artificial person, from _Aliens_\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in bed with a dead \ngirl or a live boy.\"\n-- Louisiana governor Edwin Edwards\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Danger, you haven't seen the last of me!\"\n   \"No, but the first of you turns my stomach!\"\n-- The Firesign Theatre's Nick Danger\n"}, {"quote": "\nPray to God, but keep rowing to shore.\n -- Russian Proverb\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas.\t If your ideas are any good, \nyou'll have to ram them down people's throats.\"\n -- Howard Aiken\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"When anyone says `theoretically,' they really mean `not really.'\"\n -- David Parnas\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"No problem is so formidable that you can't walk away from it.\"\n -- C. Schulz\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make \nempty prophecies.  The danger already exists that mathematicians have made \na covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the \nbonds of Hell.\"\n -- Saint Augustine\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"For the man who has everything... Penicillin.\"\n -- F. Borquin\n"}, {"quote": "\n \"I've finally learned what `upward compatible' means.\tIt means we\n  get to keep all our old mistakes.\"\n -- Dennie van Tassel\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones.\"\n -- Nathaniel Howe\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underware.\"\n-- Norm, from _Cheers_\n"}, {"quote": "\nOnce at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, \"I predict, Sir, that \nyou will die either by hanging or of some vile disease\".  Disraeli replied, \n\"That all depends, Sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your \nmistress.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"He don't know me vewy well, DO he?\"   -- Bugs Bunny\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.\n That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood.\"\n-- Daffy Duck, Looney Tunes, _Robin Hood Daffy_\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Would I turn on the gas if my pal Mugsy were in there?\"\n   \"You might, rabbit, you might!\"\n-- Looney Tunes, Bugs and Thugs (1954, Friz Freleng)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich.\"\n-- Looney Tunes, Ali Baba Bunny (1957, Chuck Jones)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?\"\n-- Looney Tunes, The Scarlet Pumpernickel (1950, Chuck Jones)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Now I've got the bead on you with MY disintegrating gun.  And when it \ndisintegrates, it disintegrates.  (pulls trigger)  Well, what you do know, \nit disintegrated.\"\n-- Duck Dodgers in the 24th and a half century\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Kill the Wabbit, Kill the Wabbit, Kill the Wabbit!\"\n-- Looney Tunes, \"What's Opera Doc?\" (1957, Chuck Jones)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I DO want your money, because god wants your money!\"\n-- The Reverend Jimmy, from _Repo_Man_\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. The \nterror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency.\"\n-- Albert Einstein\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"You show me an American who can keep his mouth shut and I'll eat him.\"\n-- Newspaperman from Frank Capra's _Meet_John_Doe_\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"And we heard him exclaim\n\t As he started to roam:\n\t `I'm a hologram, kids,\n\t  please don't try this at home!'\"\n\t-- Bob Violence\n-- Howie Chaykin's little animated 3-dimensional darling, Bob Violence\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet \nthemes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week against \nthe Ford Motor Company's new campaign: `Hey you stinking fat Russian, get\n off my Ford Escort.'\"\n-- Dennis Miller, Saturday Night Live\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.\"\n--Arthur C. Clarke\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"They ought to make butt-flavored cat food.\"   --Gallagher\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends.\"\n--Woody Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"It's ten o'clock... Do you know where your AI programs are?\"  -- Peter Oakley\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York \nCity has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any sudden moves \naround than any other city in the world.\"\n-- David Letterman\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Tourists -- have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies.  When you get \nto your destination, say to your driver, \"Pay?\tI was hitchhiking.\"\n-- David Letterman\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New \nGuinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not \nnew Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.\"\n-- David Letterman\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham \nLincoln would be doing if he were alive today?\n\t1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.\n\t2) Advising the President.\n\t3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his\n\t   coffin.\"\n-- David Letterman\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on\n television with pool cues, who would win?\n\t1) Ricky Schroder\n\t2) Gary Coleman\n\t3) The television viewing public\"\n-- David Letterman\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If you are beginning to doubt what I am saying, you are\n probably hallucinating.\"\n-- The Firesign Theatre, _Everything you know is Wrong_\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat to do in case of an alien attack:\n\n    1)   Hide beneath the seat of your plane and look away.\n    2)   Avoid eye contact.\n    3) If there are no eyes, avoid all contact.\n\n-- The Firesign Theatre, _Everything you know is Wrong_\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Nuclear war would really set back cable.\"\n- Ted Turner\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"You tweachewous miscweant!\"\n-- Elmer Fudd\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I saw _Lassie_. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid never \nspoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that deserve a series?\"\n-- the alien guy, in _Explorers_\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Open Channel D...\"\n-- Napoleon Solo, The Man From U.N.C.L.E.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSave the whales.  Collect the whole set.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSupport Mental Health.  Or I'll kill you.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The pyramid is opening!\"\n   \"Which one?\"\n\"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!\"\n-- The Firesign Theatre\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Calling J-Man Kink.  Calling J-Man Kink.  Hash missile sighted, target\nLos Angeles.  Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept.\"\n-- The Firesign Theatre movie, _J-Men Forever_\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"My sense of purpose is gone! I have no idea who I AM!\"\n    \"Oh, my God... You've.. You've turned him into a DEMOCRAT!\"\n-- Doonesbury\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"You are WRONG, you ol' brass-breasted fascist poop!\"\n-- Bloom County\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *can* \nyou believe?!\" \n-- Bullwinkle J. Moose\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberrys!\"\n-- Monty Python and the Holy Grail\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Take that, you hostile sons-of-bitches!\"\n-- James Coburn, in the finale of _The_President's_Analyst_\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The voters have spoken, the bastards...\"\n-- unknown\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I prefer to think that God is not dead, just drunk\" \n-- John Huston\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Be there.  Aloha.\"\n-- Steve McGarret, _Hawaii Five-Oh_\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro...\"\n-- Hunter S. Thompson\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Say yur prayers, yuh flea-pickin' varmint!\"\n-- Yosemite Sam\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"There... I've run rings 'round you logically\"\n-- Monty Python's Flying Circus\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Let's show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown!\"\n-- The Ghostbusters\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Just the facts, Ma'am\"\n-- Joe Friday\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I have five dollars for each of you.\"\n-- Bernhard Goetz\n"}, {"quote": "\nMausoleum:  The final and funniest folly of the rich.\n-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\nRiches:  A gift from Heaven signifying, \"This is my beloved son, in whom I\nam well pleased.\"\n-- John D. Rockefeller, (slander by Ambrose Bierce)\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll things are either sacred or profane.\nThe former to ecclesiasts bring gain;\nThe latter to the devil appertain.\n-- Dumbo Omohundro\n"}, {"quote": "\nSaint:  A dead sinner revised and edited.\n-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\nForty two.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMeekness:  Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.\n-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\nAbstainer:  A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a\npleasure.  A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but\nabstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.\n-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlliance:  In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their\nhands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately\nplunder a third.\n-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\nDisobedience:  The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.\n-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\nEgotist:  A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.\n-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\nAdministration:  An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to receive\nthe kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president.\n-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\nA penny saved is a penny to squander.\n-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\nOcean:  A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man --\nwho has no gills.\n-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\nPhysician:  One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.\n-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\nPhilosophy:  A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.\n-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\nPolitics:  A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.\nThe conduct of public affairs for private advantage.\n-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\nPolitician:  An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of\norganized society is reared.  When he wriggles he mistakes the agitation of\nhis tail for the trembling of the edifice.  As compared with the statesman,\nhe suffers the disadvantage of being alive.\n-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\nPray:  To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single\npetitioner confessedly unworthy.\n-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\nPresidency:  The greased pig in the field game of American politics.\n-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\nProboscis:  The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in place\nof the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him.  For purposes\nof humor it is popularly called a trunk.\n-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Today's robots are very primitive, capable of understanding only a few\n simple instructions such as 'go left', 'go right', and 'build car'.\"\n --John Sladek\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"In the fight between you and the world, back the world.\"\n --Frank Zappa\n"}, {"quote": "\nHere is an Appalachian version of management's answer to those who are \nconcerned with the fate of the project:\n\"Don't worry about the mule.  Just load the wagon.\"\n-- Mike Dennison's hillbilly uncle\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Being against torture ought to be sort of a bipartisan thing.\"\n-- Karl Lehenbauer\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Here comes Mr. Bill's dog.\"\n-- Narrator, Saturday Night Live\n"}, {"quote": "\nSex is like air.  It's only a big deal if you can't get any.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Maintain an awareness for contribution -- to your schedule, your project, \nour company.\"  \n-- A Group of Employees\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Ask not what A Group of Employees can do for you.  But ask what can \nAll Employees do for A Group of Employees.\"    \n-- Mike Dennison\n"}, {"quote": "\nMany aligators will be slain,\nbut the swamp will remain.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat the gods would destroy they first submit to an IEEE standards committee.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis is now.  Later is later.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I will make no bargains with terrorist hardware.\"\n-- Peter da Silva\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If I do not return to the pulpit this weekend, millions of people will go\nto hell.\"\n-- Jimmy Swaggart, 5/20/88\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Dump the condiments.  If we are to be eaten, we don't need to taste good.\"\n-- \"Visionaries\" cartoon\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Aww, if you make me cry anymore, you'll fog up my helmet.\"\n-- \"Visionaries\" cartoon\n"}, {"quote": "\nI don't want to be young again, I just don't want to get any older.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMarriage Ceremony:  An incredible metaphysical sham of watching God and the \nlaw being dragged into the affairs of your family.\n-- O. C. Ogilvie\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen it is incorrect, it is, at least *authoritatively* incorrect.\n-- Hitchiker's Guide To The Galaxy\n"}, {"quote": "\nVoodoo Programming:  Things programmers do that they know shouldn't work but\nthey try anyway, and which sometimes actually work, such as recompiling\neverything.\n-- Karl Lehenbauer\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis is, of course, totally uninformed specualation that I engage in to help \nsupport my bias against such meddling... but there you have it.\n-- Peter da Silva, speculating about why a computer program that had been\nchanged to do something he didn't approve of, didn't work\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"This knowledge I pursure is the finest pleasure I have ever known.  I could\nno sooner give it up that I could the very air that I breath.\"\n-- Paolo Uccello, Renaissance artist, discoverer of the laws of perspective\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I got everybody to pay up front...then I blew up their planet.\"\n  \"Now why didn't I think of that?\"\n-- Post Bros. Comics\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Atomic batteries to power, turbines to speed.\"\n-- Robin, The Boy Wonder\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe F-15 Eagle:  \n\tIf it's up, we'll shoot it down.  If it's down, we'll blow it up.\n-- A McDonnel-Douglas ad from a few years ago\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The Amiga is the only personal computer where you can run a multitasking \noperating system and get realtime performance, out of the box.\"\n-- Peter da Silva\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"It's my cookie file and if I come up with something that's lame and I like it,\nit goes in.\"\n-- karl (Karl Lehenbauer)\n"}, {"quote": "\nFORTRAN?  The syntactically incorrect statement \"DO 10 I = 1.10\" will parse and\ngenerate code creating a variable, DO10I, as follows: \"DO10I = 1.10\"  If that\ndoesn't terrify you, it should.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I knew then (in 1970) that a 4-kbyte minicomputer would cost as much as\na house.  So I reasoned that after college, I'd have to live cheaply in\nan apartment and put all my money into owning a computer.\"\n-- Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, EE Times, June 6, 1988, pg 45\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I just want to be a good engineer.\"\n-- Steve Wozniak, co-founder of Apple Computer, concluding his keynote speech \n   at the 1988 AppleFest\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"There's always been Tower of Babel sort of bickering inside Unix, but this\nis the most extreme form ever.  This means at least several years of confusion.\"\n-- Bill Gates, founder and chairman of Microsoft, \n   about the Open Systems Foundation\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"When in doubt, print 'em out.\"\n-- Karl's Programming Proverb 0x7\n"}, {"quote": "\nFools ignore complexity.  Pragmatists suffer it.\nSome can avoid it.  Geniuses remove it.\n-- Perlis's Programming Proverb #58, SIGPLAN Notices, Sept.  1982\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"What if\" is a trademark of Hewlett Packard, so stop using it in your\nsentences without permission, or risk being sued.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"We came.  We saw.  We kicked its ass.\"\n-- Bill Murray, _Ghostbusters_\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you permit yourself to read meanings into (rather than drawing meanings out\nof) the evidence, you can draw any conclusion you like.\n-- Michael Keith, \"The Bar-Code Beast\", The Skeptical Enquirer Vol 12 No 4 p 416\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Only a brain-damaged operating system would support task switching and not\nmake the simple next step of supporting multitasking.\"\n-- George McFry\n"}, {"quote": "\nSigmund Freud is alleged to have said that in the last analysis the entire field\nof psychology may reduce to biological electrochemistry.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Laugh while you can, monkey-boy.\"\n-- Dr. Emilio Lizardo\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Floggings will continue until morale improves.\"\n-- anonymous flyer being distributed at Exxon USA\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Hey Ivan, check your six.\"\n-- Sidewinder missile jacket patch, showing a Sidewinder driving up the tail\n of a Russian Su-27\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Free markets select for winning solutions.\"\n-- Eric S. Raymond\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I dislike companies that have a we-are-the-high-priests-of-hardware-so-you'll-\nlike-what-we-give-you attitude.  I like commodity markets in which iron-and-\nsilicon hawkers know that they exist to provide fast toys for software types\nlike me to play with...\"\n-- Eric S. Raymond\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The urge to destroy is also a creative urge.\"\n-- Bakunin\n[ed. note - I would say: The urge to destroy may sometimes be a creative urge.]\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Wish not to seem, but to be, the best.\"\n-- Aeschylus\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Survey says...\"\n-- Richard Dawson, weenie, on \"Family Feud\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Paul Lynde to block...\"\n-- a contestant on \"Hollywood Squares\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Little else matters than to write good code.\"\n-- Karl Lehenbauer\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo write good code is a worthy challenge, and a source of civilized delight.\n-- stolen and paraphrased from William Safire\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Stupidity, like virtue, is its own reward\"\n-- William E. Davidsen\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If a computer can't directly address all the RAM you can use, it's just a toy.\"\n-- anonymous comp.sys.amiga posting, non-sequitir\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Never laugh at live dragons, Bilbo you fool!\" he said to himself, and it became\na favourite saying of his later, and passed into a proverb. \"You aren't nearly\nthrough this adventure yet,\" he added, and that was pretty true as well.\n-- Bilbo Baggins, \"The Hobbit\" by J.R.R. Tolkien, Chapter XII\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"A dirty mind is a joy forever.\"\n-- Randy Kunkee\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"You can't teach seven foot.\"\n-- Frank Layton, Utah Jazz basketball coach, when asked why he had recruited\n   a seven-foot tall auto mechanic\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"A car is just a big purse on wheels.\"\n-- Johanna Reynolds\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"History is a tool used by politicians to justify their intentions.\"\n-- Ted Koppel\n"}, {"quote": "\nGod grant me the senility to accept the things I cannot change,\nThe frustration to try to change things I cannot affect,\nand the wisdom to tell the difference.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Nine years of ballet, asshole.\"\n-- Shelly Long, to the bad guy after making a jump over a gorge that he\n   couldn't quite, in \"Outrageous Fortune\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are in a maze of UUCP connections, all alike.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If that man in the PTL is such a healer, why can't he make his wife's\n hairdo go down?\"\n-- Robin Williams\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"What a wonder is USENET; such wholesale production of conjecture from\nsuch a trifling investment in fact.\"\n-- Carl S. Gutekunst\n"}, {"quote": "\nVMS must die!\n"}, {"quote": "\nMS-DOS must die!\n"}, {"quote": "\nOS/2 must die!\n"}, {"quote": "\nPournelle must die!\n"}, {"quote": "\nGarbage In, Gospel Out\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Being against torture ought to be sort of a multipartisan thing.\"\n-- Karl Lehenbauer, as amended by Jeff Daiell, a Libertarian\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Facts are stupid things.\"\n-- President Ronald Reagan \n   (a blooper from his speeach at the '88 GOP convention)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"An ounce of prevention is worth a ton of code.\"\n-- an anonymous programmer\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"To IBM, 'open' means there is a modicum of interoperability among some of their\nequipment.\"\n-- Harv Masterson\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Just think of a computer as hardware you can program.\"\n-- Nigel de la Tierre\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If you own a machine, you are in turn owned by it, and spend your time\n serving it...\"\n-- Marion Zimmer Bradley, _The Forbidden Tower_\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.\"\n-- Albert Einstein\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Card readers?  We don't need no stinking card readers.\"\n-- Peter da Silva (at the National Academy of Sciencies, 1965, in a\n   particularly vivid fantasy)\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour good nature will bring unbounded happiness.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSemper Fi, dude.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"An entire fraternity of strapping Wall-Street-bound youth.  Hell - this\nis going to be a blood bath!\"\n-- Post Bros. Comics\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Neighbors!!  We got neighbors!  We ain't supposed to have any neighbors, and\nI just had to shoot one.\"\n-- Post Bros. Comics\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Gotcha, you snot-necked weenies!\"\n-- Post Bros. Comics\n"}, {"quote": "\ninterlard - vt., to intersperse; diversify\n-- Webster's New World Dictionary Of The American Language\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Everybody is talking about the weather but nobody does anything about it.\"\n-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"How many teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?\"\n   \"FIFTEEN!!  YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If you weren't my teacher, I'd think you just deleted all my files.\"\n-- an anonymous UCB CS student, to an instructor who had typed \"rm -i *\" to\n   get rid of a file named \"-f\" on a Unix system.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who, in times of moral\ncrisis, preserved their neutrality.\"\n-- Dante\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The medium is the message.\"\n-- Marshall McLuhan\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The medium is the massage.\"\n-- Crazy Nigel\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Show me a good loser, and I'll show you a loser.\"\n-- Vince Lombardi, football coach\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"It might help if we ran the MBA's out of Washington.\"\n-- Admiral Grace Hopper\n"}, {"quote": "\nRefreshed by a brief blackout, I got to my feet and went next door.\n-- Martin Amis, _Money_\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Love may fail, but courtesy will previal.\"\n-- A Kurt Vonnegut fan\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"You tried it just for once, found it alright for kicks,\n but now you find out you have a habit that sticks,\n you're an orgasm addict,\n you're always at it,\n and you're an orgasm addict.\"\n-- The Buzzcocks\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"There is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress.\"\n-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"You'll pay to know what you really think.\"\n-- J.R. \"Bob\" Dobbs\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"We live, in a very kooky time.\"\n-- Herb Blashtfalt\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Pull the wool over your own eyes!\"\n-- J.R. \"Bob\" Dobbs\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Okay,\" Bobby said, getting the hang of it, \"then what's the matrix?  If\nshe's a deck, and Danbala's a program, what's cyberspace?\"\n  \"The world,\" Lucas said.\n-- William Gibson, _Count Zero_\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Our reruns are better than theirs.\"\n-- Nick at Nite\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is a game.  Money is how we keep score.\n-- Ted Turner\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.\"\n-- The Wizard Of Oz\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.\"\n-- Karl, as he stepped behind the computer to reboot it, during a FAT\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"It ain't so much the things we don't know that get us in trouble.  It's the\nthings we know that ain't so.\"\n-- Artemus Ward aka Charles Farrar Brown\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Don't discount flying pigs before you have good air defense.\"\n-- jvh@clinet.FI\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.\"\n-- Alan Perlis\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Pok pok pok, P'kok!\"\n-- Superchicken\n"}, {"quote": "\nLive Free or Live in Massachusettes.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"You can't get very far in this world without your dossier being there first.\"\n-- Arthur Miller\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Flight Reservation systems decide whether or not you exist. If your information\nisn't in their database, then you simply don't get to go anywhere.\"\n-- Arthur Miller\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"What people have been reduced to are mere 3-D representations of their own \ndata.\"\n-- Arthur Miller\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The Avis WIZARD decides if you get to drive a car. Your head won't touch the\npillow of a Sheraton unless their computer says it's okay.\"\n-- Arthur Miller\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Data is a lot like humans:  It is born.  Matures.  Gets married to other data,\ndivorced. Gets old.  One thing that it doesn't do is die.  It has to be killed.\"\n-- Arthur Miller\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"People should have access to the data which you have about them.  There should\n be a process for them to challenge any inaccuracies.\"\n-- Arthur Miller\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Do not lose your knowledge that man's proper estate is an upright posture,\nan intransigent mind, and a step that travels unlimited roads.\"\n-- John Galt, in Ayn Rand's _Atlas Shrugged_\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't panic.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe bug stops here.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe bug starts here.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Why waste negative entropy on comments, when you could use the same\nentropy to create bugs instead?\"\n-- Steve Elias\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The pathology is to want control, not that you ever get it, because of\ncourse you never do.\"\n-- Gregory Bateson\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Your butt is mine.\"\n-- Michael Jackson, Bad\n"}, {"quote": "\nShip it.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Once they go up, who cares where they come down?  That's not my department.\"\n-- Werner von Braun\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"When the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to treat everything as if\nit were a nail.\"\n-- Abraham Maslow\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Imitation is the sincerest form of television.\"\n-- The New Mighty Mouse\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The lesser of two evils -- is evil.\"\n-- Seymour (Sy) Leon\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"It's no sweat, Henry.  Russ made it back to Bugtown before he died.  So he'll\nregenerate in a couple of days.  It's just awful sloppy of him to get killed in\nthe first place.  Humph!\"\n-- Ron Post, Post Brothers Comics\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I honestly believe that the doctrine of hell was born in the glittering eyes\nof snakes that run in frightful coils watching for their prey.  I believe\nit was born with the yelping, howling, growling and snarling of wild beasts...\nI despise it, I defy it, and I hate it.\"\n-- Robert G. Ingersoll\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Is this foreplay?\"\n   \"No, this is Nuke Strike.  Foreplay has lousy graphics.  Beat me again.\"\n-- Duckert, in \"Bad Rubber,\" Albedo #0 (comics)\n"}, {"quote": "\negrep patterns are full regular expressions; it uses a fast deterministic\nalgorithm that sometimes needs exponential space.\n-- unix manuals\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"A mind is a terrible thing to have leaking out your ears.\"\n-- The League of Sadistic Telepaths\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Life sucks, but it's better than the alternative.\"\n-- Peter da Silva\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf this is a service economy, why is the service so bad?\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I shall expect a chemical cure for psychopathic behavior by 10 A.M. tomorrow,\nor I'll have your guts for spaghetti.\"\n-- a comic panel by Cotham \n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.\"\n-- Will Rogers\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"An open mind has but one disadvantage: it collects dirt.\"\n-- a saying at RPI\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The geeks shall inherit the earth.\"\n-- Karl Lehenbauer\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Beware of programmers carrying screwdrivers.\"\n-- Chip Salzenberg\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Elvis is my copilot.\"\n-- Cal Keegan\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The fundamental principle of science, the definition almost, is this: the\nsole test of the validity of any idea is experiment.\"\n-- Richard P. Feynman\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?\n   Let's see, can you use a shell script for that or does it need a C program?\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.  Hate me because I'm beautiful, smart \nand rich.\"\n-- Calvin Keegan\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so\ncertain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.\"\n-- Bertrand Russell\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlways look over your shoulder because everyone is watching and plotting\nagainst you.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Let us condemn to hellfire all those who disagree with us.\"\n-- militant religionists everywhere\n"}, {"quote": "\nBaby On Board.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The net result is a system that is not only binary compatible with 4.3 BSD,\nbut is even bug for bug compatible in almost all features.\"\n-- Avadit Tevanian, Jr., \"Architecture-Independent Virtual Memory Management\n   for Parallel and Distributed Environments:  The Mach Approach\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The number of Unix installations has grown to 10, with more expected.\"\n-- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June, 1972\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Engineering without management is art.\"\n-- Jeff Johnson\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I'm not a god, I was misquoted.\"\n-- Lister, Red Dwarf\n"}, {"quote": "\nBrain off-line, please wait.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAre you having fun yet?\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The vast majority of successful major crimes against property are\nperpetrated by individuals abusing positions of trust.\"\n-- Lawrence Dalzell\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Perhaps I am flogging a straw herring in mid-stream, but in the light of\nwhat is known about the ubiquity of security vulnerabilities, it seems vastly\ntoo dangerous for university folks to run with their heads in the sand.\"\n-- Peter G. Neumann, RISKS moderator, about the Internet virus\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Seed me, Seymour\"\n-- a random number generator meets the big green mother from outer space\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Buy land.  They've stopped making it.\"\n-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Open the pod bay doors, HAL.\"\n-- Dave Bowman, 2001\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"There was no difference between the behavior of a god and the operations of\npure chance...\"\n-- Thomas Pynchon, _Gravity's Rainbow_\n"}, {"quote": "\n...the prevailing Catholic odor - incense, wax, centuries of mild bleating\nfrom the lips of the flock.\n-- Thomas Pynchon, _Gravity's Rainbow_\n"}, {"quote": "\nShit Happens.\n"}, {"quote": "\nbackups: always in season, never out of style.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"There was a vague, unpleasant manginess about his appearence; he somehow\nseemed dirty, though a close glance showed him as carefully shaven as an\nactor, and clad in immaculate linen.\"\n-- H.L. Mencken, on the death of William Jennings Bryan\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"This generation may be the one that will face Armageddon.\"\n-- Ronald Reagan, \"People\" magazine, December 26, 1985\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Call immediately.  Time is running out.  We both need to do something\nmonstrous before we die.\"\n-- Message from Ralph Steadman to Hunter Thompson\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The only way for a reporter to look at a politician is down.\"\n-- H.L. Mencken\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"You don't go out and kick a mad dog.  If you have a mad dog with rabies, you\ntake a gun and shoot him.\"\n-- Pat Robertson, TV Evangelist, about Muammar Kadhafy\n"}, {"quote": "\nmiracle:  an extremely outstanding or unusual event, thing, or accomplishment.\n-- Webster's Dictionary\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The computer programmer is a creator of universes for which he alone\n is responsible. Universes of virtually unlimited complexity can be\n created in the form of computer programs.\"\n-- Joseph Weizenbaum, _Computer Power and Human Reason_\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.\"\n-- Norm Schryer\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"May your future be limited only by your dreams.\"\n-- Christa McAuliffe\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be\ncoming up it.\"\n-- Henry Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Life begins when you can spend your spare time programming instead of\nwatching television.\"\n-- Cal Keegan\n"}, {"quote": "\nEat shit -- billions of flies can't be wrong.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"We never make assertions, Miss Taggart,\" said Hugh Akston.  \"That is\nthe moral crime peculiar to our enemies.  We do not tell -- we *show*.\nWe do not claim -- we *prove*.\"  \n-- Ayn Rand, _Atlas Shrugged_\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and\n my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes.\"\n-- George Carlin\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"My father?  My father left when I was quite young.  Well actually, he\n was asked to leave.  He had trouble metabolizing alcohol.\"\n -- George Carlin\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"So-called Christian rock. . . . is a diabolical force undermining Christianity\n from within.\"\n-- Jimmy Swaggart, hypocrite and TV preacher, self-described pornography addict,\n \"Two points of view: 'Christian' rock and roll.\", The Evangelist, 17(8): 49-50.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Anyone attempting to generate random numbers by deterministic means is, of\ncourse, living in a state of sin.\"\n-- John Von Neumann\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"You must have an IQ of at least half a million.\"  -- Popeye\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Freedom is still the most radical idea of all.\"\n-- Nathaniel Branden\n"}, {"quote": "\nAren't you glad you're not getting all the government you pay for now?\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I never let my schooling get in the way of my education.\"\n-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nThese screamingly hilarious gogs ensure owners of     X Ray Gogs to be the life\nof any party.\n-- X-Ray Gogs Instructions\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Thank heaven for startups; without them we'd never have any advances.\"\n-- Seymour Cray\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Out of register space (ugh)\"\n-- vi\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor\nof journalism in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated,\nit keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community.\"\n                                        - Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Ada is PL/I trying to be Smalltalk.\n-- Codoso diBlini\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by mean of zeal,\nwell-meaning but without understanding.\"\n-- Justice Louis O. Brandeis (Olmstead vs. United States)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"'Tis true, 'tis pity, and pity 'tis 'tis true.\"\n-- Poloniouius, in Willie the Shake's _Hamlet, Prince of Darkness_\n\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"All the people are so happy now, their heads are caving in.  I'm glad they\nare a snowman with protective rubber skin\" \n-- They Might Be Giants\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Indecision is the basis of flexibility\"\n-- button at a Science Fiction convention.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Sometimes insanity is the only alternative\"\n-- button at a Science Fiction convention.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Old age and treachery will beat youth and skill every time.\"\n-- a coffee cup\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The most important thing in a man is not what he knows, but what he is.\"\n-- Narciso Yepes\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"All we are given is possibilities -- to make ourselves one thing or another.\"\n-- Ortega y Gasset\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"We will be better and braver if we engage and inquire than if we indulge in\nthe idle fancy that we already know -- or that it is of no use seeking to\nknow what we do not know.\"\n-- Plato\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"To undertake a project, as the word's derivation indicates, means to cast an\nidea out ahead of oneself so that it gains autonomy and is fulfilled not only\nby the efforts of its originator but, indeed, independently of him as well.\n-- Czeslaw Milosz\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"We cannot put off living until we are ready.  The most salient characteristic\nof life is its coerciveness; it is always urgent, \"here and now,\" without any\npossible postponement.  Life is fired at us point blank.\"\n-- Ortega y Gasset\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere.\"\n-- Dr. Seuss\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"When it comes to humility, I'm the greatest.\"\n-- Bullwinkle Moose\n\n"}, {"quote": "\nRemember, an int is not always 16 bits.  I'm not sure, but if the 80386 is one\nstep closer to Intel's slugfest with the CPU curve that is aymptotically\napproaching a real machine, perhaps an int has been implemented as 32 bits by\nsome Unix vendors...?\n-- Derek Terveer\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"An Academic speculated whether a bather is beautiful\nif there is none in the forest to admire her. He hid\nin the bushes to find out, which vitiated his premise\nbut made him happy.\nMoral: Empiricism is more fun than speculation.\"\n-- Sam Weber\n"}, {"quote": "\n1 1 was a race-horse, 2 2 was 1 2. When 1 1 1 1 race, 2 2 1 1 2.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I figured there was this holocaust, right, and the only ones left alive were\n Donna Reed, Ozzie and Harriet, and the Cleavers.\"\n-- Wil Wheaton explains why everyone in \"Star Trek: The Next Generation\" \n    is so nice\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Engineering meets art in the parking lot and things explode.\"\n-- Garry Peterson, about Survival Research Labs\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Why can't we ever attempt to solve a problem in this country without having\na 'War' on it?\" -- Rich Thomson, talk.politics.misc\n"}, {"quote": "\nProfessional wrestling:  ballet for the common man.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a\ncabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.\" - H.L. Mencken\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Never give in.  Never give in.  Never. Never. Never.\"\n-- Winston Churchill\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Never ascribe to malice that which is caused by greed and ignorance.\"\n-- Cal Keegan\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If you want to know what happens to you when you die, go look at some dead\nstuff.\"\n-- Dave Enyeart\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I prefer rogues to imbeciles, because they sometimes take a rest.\"\n-- Alexandre Dumas (fils)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Everyone's head is a cheap movie show.\"\n-- Jeff G. Bone\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is full of concepts that are poorly defined.  In fact, there are very few \nconcepts that aren't.  It's hard to think of any in non-technical fields.  \n-- Daniel Kimberg\n"}, {"quote": "\n...I don't care for the term 'mechanistic'. The word 'cybernetic' is a lot\nmore apropos. The mechanistic world-view is falling further and further behind\nthe real world where even simple systems can produce the most marvellous\nchaos. \n-- Peter da Silva\n"}, {"quote": "\nWho are the artists in the Computer Graphics Show?  Wavefront's latest box, or \nthe people who programmed it?  Should Mandelbrot get all the credit for the \noutput of programs like MandelVroom?\n-- Peter da Silva\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"As I was walking among the fires of Hell, delighted with the enjoyments of\n Genius; which to Angels look like torment and insanity.  I collected some of\n their Proverbs...\" - Blake, \"The Marriage of Heaven and Hell\"\n\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\t\tHOW TO PROVE IT, PART 1\n\nproof by example:\n\tThe author gives only the case n = 2 and suggests that it \n\tcontains most of the ideas of the general proof.\n\nproof by intimidation:\n\t'Trivial'.\n\nproof by vigorous handwaving:\n\tWorks well in a classroom or seminar setting.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward,\nthen we are a sorry lot indeed.\"\n-- Albert Einstein\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, which is\nthe exact opposite.\"\n-- Bertrand Russell, _Sceptical_Essays_, 1928\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Were there no women, men might live like gods.\"\n-- Thomas Dekker\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Intelligence without character is a dangerous thing.\"\n-- G. Steinem\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"It says he made us all to be just like him.  So if we're dumb, then god is\ndumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side.\"\n-- Frank Zappa\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"It's not just a computer -- it's your ass.\"\n-- Cal Keegan\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"BTW, does Jesus know you flame?\"\n-- Diane Holt, dianeh@binky.UUCP, to Ed Carp\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I've seen the forgeries I've sent out.\"\n-- John F. Haugh II (jfh@rpp386.Dallas.TX.US), about forging net news articles\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some\n of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?\"\n-- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Bite off, dirtball.\"\nRichard Sexton, richard@gryphon.COM\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Oh my!  An `inflammatory attitude' in alt.flame?  Never heard of such\na thing...\"\n-- Allen Gwinn, allen@sulaco.Sigma.COM\n"}, {"quote": "\n(null cookie; hope that's ok)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with reality\nat any point.\"\n-- Friedrich Nietzsche\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Who alone has reason to *lie himself out* of actuality?  He who *suffers*\n from it.\"\n-- Friedrich Nietzsche\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"You who hate the Jews so, why did you adopt their religion?\"\n-- Friedrich Nietzsche, addressing anti-semitic Christians\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Little prigs and three-quarter madmen may have the conceit that the laws of \nnature are constantly broken for their sakes.\"\n-- Friedrich Nietzsche\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Faith:  not *wanting* to know what is true.\"\n-- Friedrich Nietzsche\n"}, {"quote": "\n>One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative.\n\nHaving been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this.\nThe basic notion underlying USENET is the flame.\n-- Chuq Von Rospach, chuq@Apple.COM \n"}, {"quote": "\nBacked up the system lately?\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"It doesn't much signify whom one marries for one is sure to find out next \nmorning it was someone else.\"\n-- Rogers\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.\"\n-- Chekhov\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with \nthe ideal never goes unpunished.\"\n-- Goethe\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved.\"\n-- Butler\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, `What does \nwoman want?'\"\n-- Sigmund Freud\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch\ndimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension.\"\n-- Mandelbrot, _The Fractal Geometry of Nature_\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I have recently been examining all the known superstitions of the world,\n and do not find in our particular superstition (Christianity) one redeeming\n feature.  They are all alike founded on fables and mythology.\"\n-- Thomas Jefferson\n"}, {"quote": "\nRemember:  Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.\n-- Dave Butler\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The preeminence of a learned man over a worshiper is equal to the preeminence\nof the moon, at the night of the full moon, over all the stars.  Verily, the\nlearned men are the heirs of the Prophets.\"\n-- A tradition attributed to Muhammad\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The question is rather: if we ever succeed in making a mind 'of nuts and\nbolts', how will we know we have succeeded?\n-- Fergal Toomey\n\n\"It will tell us.\"\n-- Barry Kort\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Inquiry is fatal to certainty.\"\n-- Will Durant\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The Mets were great in 'sixty eight,\n The Cards were fine in 'sixty nine,\n But the Cubs will be heavenly in nineteen and seventy.\"\n-- Ernie Banks\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], 'Pray, Mr. \nBabbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers\ncome out?'  I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas \nthat could provoke such a question.\"\n-- Charles Babbage\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I call Christianity the *one* great curse, the *one* great intrinsic \ndepravity, the *one* great instinct for revenge for which no expedient\nis sufficiently poisonous, secret, subterranean, *petty* -- I call it\nthe *one* mortal blemish of mankind.\"\n-- Friedrich Nietzsche\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong.\"\n-- Blair Houghton\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"...one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,\nlacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of\ntheir C programs.\"\n-- Robert Firth\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas?\n\nA Dan Quayle watch.\n\n-- heard from a Mike Dukakis field worker\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:  What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer\n    salesman?\n\nA:  The car salesman can probably drive!\n\n-- Joan McGalliard (jem@latcs1.oz.au)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par.\"\n-- Dave Mack (mack@inco.UUCP)\n\n\"Yours is.\"\n-- Allen Gwinn (allen@sulaco.sigma.com), in alt.flame\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound!\"\n-- Daniel Hinojosa (hinojosa@hp-sdd)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator.\"\n-- Claude Shouse (shouse@macomw.ARPA)\n\n\"Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist.\"\n-- Joseph C. Wang (joe@athena.mit.edu)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Religion is something left over from the infancy of our intelligence, it will\nfade away as we adopt reason and science as our guidelines.\"\n-- Bertrand Russell\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and\nI thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist.\nThis is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.\" \n-- Matt Cartmill\n"}, {"quote": "\nHeisengberg might have been here.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Any excuse will serve a tyrant.\"\n-- Aesop\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Experience has proved that some people indeed know everything.\"\n-- Russell Baker\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow many Zen Buddhist does it take to change a light bulb?\n\nTwo.  One to change it and one not to change it.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I prefer the blunted cudgels of the followers of the Serpent God.\"\n-- Sean Doran the Younger\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If I do not want others to quote me, I do not speak.\"  \n-- Phil Wayne\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"my terminal is a lethal teaspoon.\"\n-- Patricia O Tuama\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I am ... a woman ... and ... technically a parasitic uterine growth\"\n-- Sean Doran the Younger [allegedly]\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time\nsomeone writes `bible thumpers?'\n-- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Money is the root of all money.\"\n-- the moving finger\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"...Greg Nowak:  `Another flame from greg' - need I say more?\"\n-- Jonathan D. Trudel, trudel@caip.rutgers.edu\n\n\"No.  You need to say less.\"\n-- Richard Sexton, richard@gryphon.COM\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"And it's my opinion, and that's only my opinion, you are a lunatic.  Just\nbecause there are a few hunderd other people sharing your lunacy with you\ndoes not make you any saner.  Doomed, eh?\"\n-- Oleg Kiselev,oleg@CS.UCLA.EDU\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a cage is to a \ncockatoo.\"\n-- George Bernard Shaw\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and \nthose inside desperate to get out.\"\n-- Montaigne\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"For a male and female to live continuously together is...  biologically \nspeaking, an extremely unnatural condition.\"\n-- Robert Briffault\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.\"\n-- Baskins\n"}, {"quote": "\nA man is not complete until he is married -- then he is finished.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMarriage is the sole cause of divorce.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMarriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.  Second marriage is \nthe triumph of hope over experience.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain.\"\n-- G. Fitch\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.\"\n-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If there isn't a population problem, why is the government putting cancer in \nthe cigarettes?\"\n-- the elder Steptoe, c. 1970\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do:  Pour a little\n Lavoris in the toilet.\"\n-- Comedian Jay Leno\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Here's something to think about:  How come you never see a headline like\n `Psychic Wins Lottery.'\"\n-- Comedian Jay Leno\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Well hello there Charlie Brown, you blockhead.\"\n-- Lucy Van Pelt\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Time is an illusion.  Lunchtime doubly so.\"\n-- Ford Prefect, _Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Ignorance is the soil in which belief in miracles grows.\"\n-- Robert G. Ingersoll\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Let every man teach his son, teach his daughter, that labor is honorable.\"\n-- Robert G. Ingersoll\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I have not the slightest confidence in 'spiritual manifestations.'\"\n-- Robert G. Ingersoll\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"It is hard to overstate the debt that we owe to men and women of genius.\"\n-- Robert G. Ingersoll\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Joy is wealth and love is the legal tender of the soul.\"\n-- Robert G. Ingersoll\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The hands that help are better far than the lips that pray.\"\n-- Robert G. Ingersoll\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"It is the creationists who blasphemously are claiming that God is cheating\n us in a stupid way.\"\n-- J. W. Nienhuys\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"No, no, I don't mind being called the smartest man in the world.  I just wish \n it wasn't this one.\"\n-- Adrian Veidt/Ozymandias, WATCHMEN \n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Be *excellent* to each other.\"\n-- Bill, or Ted, in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it.\" -- Alex Schure\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips\n over, pinning you underneath.  At night, the ice weasels come.\"\n--Matt Groening\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I'm not afraid of dying, I just don't want to be there when it happens.\"\n-- Woody Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The Street finds its own uses for technology.\"\n-- William Gibson\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I see little divinity about them or you.  You talk to me of Christianity\nwhen you are in the act of hanging your enemies.  Was there ever such\nblasphemous nonsense!\"\n-- Shaw, \"The Devil's Disciple\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but\nonly for a limited period of time.  Why should we think that collectively,\nas a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?\"\n-- Ronald Reagan\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental effort,\nhe could probably turn the activity into an acceptable perversion.\"\n-- Mick Farren, _When Gravity Fails_\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Conversion, fastidious Goddess, loves blood better than brick, and feasts\nmost subtly on the human will.\"\n-- Virginia Woolf, \"Mrs. Dalloway\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's time to boot, do your boot ROMs know where your disk controllers are?\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying.\"\n-- Nikita Khrushchev\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"...a most excellent barbarian ... Genghis Kahn!\"\n-- _Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure_\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Pull the trigger and you're garbage.\"\n-- Lady Blue\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Oh what wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face...\"\n-- a prisoner in \"Life of Brian\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy\nof him that brought her birth.\"\n-- Milton\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If you can't debate me, then there is no way in hell you'll out-insult me.\"\n-- Scott Legrand (Scott.Legrand@hogbbs.Fidonet.Org)\n\n\"You may be wrong here, little one.\"\n-- R. W. F. Clark (RWC102@PSUVM)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"BYTE editors are men who seperate the wheat from the chaff, and then\n print the chaff.\"\n-- Lionel Hummel (uiucdcs!hummel), derived from a quote by Adlai Stevenson, Sr.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary\nsaftey deserve neither liberty not saftey.\"\n-- Benjamin Franklin, 1759\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I am, therefore I am.\"\n-- Akira\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Stan and I thought that this experiment was so stupid, we decided to finance \n it ourselves.\"\n-- Martin Fleischmann, co-discoverer of room-temperature fusion (?)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I have more information in one place than anybody in the world.\"  \n-- Jerry Pournelle, an absurd notion, apparently about the BIX BBS\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"It's what you learn after you know it all that counts.\"\n-- John Wooden\n"}, {"quote": "\n#define BITCOUNT(x)\t(((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) "}, {"quote": " 255)\n#define  BX_(x)\t\t((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777)\t\t\t\\\n\t\t\t     - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333)\t\t\t\\\n\t\t\t     - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))\n\n-- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If you can write a nation's stories, you needn't worry about who makes its \n laws.  Today, television tells most of the stories to most of the people \n most of the time.\"\n-- George Gerbner\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists\n in trying to adapt the world to himself.  Therefore all progress depends on \n the unreasonable man.\"\n-- George Bernard Shaw\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"We want to create puppets that pull their own strings.\"\n-- Ann Marion\n\n\"Would this make them Marionettes?\"\n-- Jeff Daiell\n"}, {"quote": "\nOn the subject of C program indentation:\n\"In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be indented\n six feet downward and covered with dirt.\"\n-- Blair P. Houghton\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began\nto suspect \"Hungry.\"\n-- a Larson cartoon\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"But don't you see, the color of wine in a crystal glass can be spiritual.\n The look in a face, the music of a violin.  A Paris theater can be infused\n with the spiritual for all its solidity.\"\n -- Lestat, _The Vampire Lestat_, Anne Rice\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Love your country but never trust its government.\"\n-- from a hand-painted road sign in central Pennsylvania\n"}, {"quote": "\n      I bought the latest computer;\n      it came fully loaded.\n      It was guaranteed for 90 days,\n      but in 30 was outmoded!\n        - The Wall Street Journal passed along by Big Red Computer's SCARLETT\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo update Voltaire, \"I may kill all msgs from you, but I'll fight for \nyour right to post it, and I'll let it reside on my disks\". \n-- Doug Thompson (doug@isishq.FIDONET.ORG)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Though a program be but three lines long,\nsomeday it will have to be maintained.\"\n-- The Tao of Programming\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Turn on, tune up, rock out.\"\n-- Billy Gibbons\n"}, {"quote": "\n         EARTH          \n     smog  |   bricks  \n AIR  --  mud  --  FIRE\nsoda water |   tequila \n         WATER        \n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix.  Everyone knows power tools aren't\nsoluble in alcohol...\"\n-- Crazy Nigel\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all....\"\n-- Thomas J. Kopp\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"All over the place, from the popular culture to the propaganda system, there is\nconstant pressure to make people feel that they are helpless, that the only role\nthey can have is to ratify decisions and to consume.\"\n-- Noam Chomsky\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple\nsystem that worked.\"\n-- John Gall, _Systemantics_\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"In my opinion, Richard Stallman wouldn't recognise terrorism if it\ncame up and bit him on his Internet.\"\n-- Ross M. Greenberg\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If I ever get around to writing that language depompisifier, it will change\nalmost all occurences of the word \"paradigm\" into \"example\" or \"model.\"\n-- Herbie Blashtfalt\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it.\"\n-- Marvin the paranoid android\n"}, {"quote": "\nContemptuous lights flashed flashed across the computer's console.\n-- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo err is human, to moo bovine.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort.\"\n-- President John F. Kennedy\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The strength of the Constitution lies entirely in the determination of each\ncitizen to defend it.  Only if every single citizen feels duty bound to do\nhis share in this defense are the constitutional rights secure.\"\n-- Albert Einstein\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Well I don't see why I have to make one man miserable when I can make so many \nmen happy.\"\n-- Ellyn Mustard, about marriage\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing what \nthe dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions.\"\n-- David Jones @ Megatest Corporation\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Luke, I'm yer father, eh.  Come over to the dark side, you hoser.\"\n-- Dave Thomas, \"Strange Brew\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Let's not be too tough on our own ignorance.  It's the thing that makes\n America great.  If America weren't incomparably ignorant, how could we\n have tolerated the last eight years?\"\n-- Frank Zappa, Feb 1, 1989\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Don't think; let the machine do it for you!\"\n-- E. C. Berkeley\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"It ain't over until it's over.\"\n-- Casey Stengel\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If anything can go wrong, it will.\"\n-- Edsel Murphy\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Yo baby yo baby yo.\"\n-- Eddie Murphy\n"}, {"quote": "\nEveryone who comes in here wants three things:\n\t1. They want it quick.\n\t2. They want it good.\n\t3. They want it cheap.\nI tell 'em to pick two and call me back.\n-- sign on the back wall of a small printing company in Delaware\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"More software projects have gone awry for lack of calendar time than for all\n other causes combined.\"\n-- Fred Brooks, Jr., _The Mythical Man Month_\n"}, {"quote": "\npanic: kernel trap (ignored)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile.\"\n-- Karl Lehenbauer\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Remember, extremism in the nondefense of moderation is not a virtue.\"\n-- Peter Neumann, about usenet\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"We dedicated ourselves to a powerful idea -- organic law rather than naked\n power.  There seems to be universal acceptance of that idea in the nation.\"\n-- Supreme Court Justice Potter Steart\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"What man has done, man can aspire to do.\"\n-- Jerry Pournelle, about space flight\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Well, it don't make the sun shine, but at least it don't deepen the shit.\"\n-- Straiter Empy, in _Riddley_Walker_ by Russell Hoban\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If you can, help others.  If you can't, at least don't hurt others.\"\n-- the Dalai Lama\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide a\ntest load.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Just think, with VLSI we can have 100 ENIACS on a chip!\"\n-- Alan Perlis\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"...Local prohibitions cannot block advances in military and commercial\n technology... Democratic movements for local restraint can only restrain\n the world's democracies, not the world as a whole.\"\n-- K. Eric Drexler\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The rotter who simpers that he sees no difference between a five-dollar bill \nand a whip deserves to learn the difference on his own back -- as, I think, he \nwill.\"\n-- Francisco d'Anconia, in Ayn Rand's _Atlas Shrugged_\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; and\n the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it will\n lose that, too.\"\n-- W. Somerset Maugham\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Pardon me for breathing, which I never do anyway so I don't know why I bother\n to say it, oh God, I'm so depressed.  Here's another of those self-satisfied\n doors.  Life!  Don't talk to me about life.\"\n-- Marvin the Paranoid Android\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Gort, klaatu nikto barada.\"\n-- The Day the Earth Stood Still\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Don't drop acid, take it pass-fail!\"\n-- Bryan Michael Wendt\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I got a question for ya.  Ya got a minute?\"\n-- two programmers passing in the hall\n"}, {"quote": "\nI took a fish head to the movies and I didn't have to pay.\n-- Fish Heads, Saturday Night Live, 1977.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat hath Bob wrought?\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I don't know where we come from,\n Don't know where we're going to,\n And if all this should have a reason,\n We would be the last to know.\n\n So let's just hope there is a promised land,\n And until then,\n ...as best as you can.\"\n-- Steppenwolf, \"Rock Me Baby\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Help Mr. Wizard!\"\n-- Tennessee Tuxedo\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance.\n He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him.\n But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are\n given to administer we presently imagine we own.\"\n-- H.G. Wells\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Unlike most net.puritans, however, I feel that what OTHER consenting computers\n do in the privacy of their own phone connections is their own business.\"\n-- John Woods, jfw@eddie.mit.edu\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Don't talk to me about disclaimers!  I invented disclaimers!\"\n-- The Censored Hacker\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception.\"\n-- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989\n[apparently, good TV reception is a basic necessity -- at least in Tucson  -kl]\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that\n sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer\n terror.\"\n-- W. K. Hartmann\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"It's when they say 2 + 2 = 5 that I begin to argue.\"\n-- Eric Pepke\n"}, {"quote": "\nComparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness of a\npig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule.\"\n-- David Guaspari\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The NY Times is read by the people who run the country.  The Washington Post\nis read by the people who think they run the country.   The National Enquirer\nis read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country...\"\n-- Robert J Woodhead (trebor@biar.UUCP)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Irrigation of the land with sewater desalinated by fusion power is ancient.\nIt's called 'rain'.\"\n-- Michael McClary, in alt.fusion\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by people\n who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried anything.\"\n-- Jim Joyce, former computer science lecturer at the University of California\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"You can have my Unix system when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers.\"\n-- Cal Keegan\n17th Rule of Friendship:\n\tA friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount of\n\tlife insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is\n\tnoncancellable.\n\t\t-- Esquire, May 1977\n"}, {"quote": "\n186,282 miles per second:\n\tIt isn't just a good idea, it's the law!\n"}, {"quote": "\n18th Rule of Friendship:\n        A friend will let you hold the ladder while he goes up on the roof\n        to install your new aerial, which is the biggest son-of-a-bitch you\n        ever saw.\n                -- Esquire, May 1977\n"}, {"quote": "\n2180, U.S. History question:\n\tWhat 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what\n\toffice did he later hold?\n"}, {"quote": "\n3rd Law of Computing:\n\tAnything that can go wr\nfortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped\n"}, {"quote": "\n667:\n\tThe neighbor of the beast.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA hypothetical paradox:\n\tWhat would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team,\n\twho always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial\n\tStormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?\n\t\t-- Tom Galloway\n"}, {"quote": "\nA Law of Computer Programming:\n\tMake it possible for programmers to write in English\n\tand you will find that programmers cannot write in English.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA musician, an artist, an architect:\n\tthe man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian.\n\t\t-- William Blake\n"}, {"quote": "\nA new koan:\n\tIf you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.\n\tIf you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.\nIt is an ice cream koan.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAbbott's Admonitions:\n\t(1) If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.\n\t(2) If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.\n\t\t-- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia\n"}, {"quote": "\nAbsent, adj.:\n\tExposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAbsentee, n.:\n\tA person with an income who has had the forethought to remove\n\thimself from the sphere of exaction.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAbstainer, n.:\n\tA weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a\n\tpleasure.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAbsurdity, n.:\n\tA statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAcademy:\n\tA modern school where football is taught.\nInstitute:\n\tAn archaic school where football is not taught.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAcceptance testing:\n\tAn unsuccessful attempt to find bugs.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAccident, n.:\n\tA condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of\n\tbody is better.\n\t\t-- Foolish Dictionary\n"}, {"quote": "\nAccordion, n.:\n\tA bagpipe with pleats.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAccuracy, n.:\n\tThe vice of being right\n"}, {"quote": "\nAcquaintance, n:\n\tA person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well\n\tenough to lend to.  A degree of friendship called slight when the\n\tobject is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nADA:\n\tSomething you need only know the name of to be an Expert in\n\tComputing.  Useful in sentences like, \"We had better develop\n\tan ADA awareness.\n\t\t-- \"Datamation\", January 15, 1984\n"}, {"quote": "\nAdler's Distinction:\n\tLanguage is all that separates us from the lower animals,\n\tand from the bureaucrats.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAdmiration, n.:\n\tOur polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAdore, v.:\n\tTo venerate expectantly.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAdult, n.:\n\tOne old enough to know better.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAdvertising Rule:\n\tIn writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the\n\treader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, \n\tthat it is curable.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAfternoon, n.:\n\tThat part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAge, n.:\n\tThat period of life in which we compound for the vices that we\n\tstill cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise\n\tto commit.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\nAgnes' Law:\n\tAlmost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAir Force Inertia Axiom:\n\tConsistency is always easier to defend than correctness.\n"}, {"quote": "\nair, n.:\n\tA nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the\n\tfattening of the poor.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlaska:\n\tA prelude to \"No.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlbrecht's Law:\n\tSocial innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well-being.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlden's Laws:\n\t(1)  Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause\n\t     of pregnancy.\n\t(2)  Always be backlit.\n\t(3)  Sit down whenever possible.\n"}, {"quote": "\nalgorithm, n.:\n\tTrendy dance for hip programmers.\n"}, {"quote": "\nalimony, n:\n\tHaving an ex you can bank on.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll new:\n\tParts not interchangeable with previous model.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAllen's Axiom:\n\tWhen all else fails, read the instructions.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlliance, n.:\n\tIn international politics, the union of two thieves who have\n\ttheir hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot\n\tseparately plunder a third.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlone, adj.:\n\tIn bad company.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAmbidextrous, adj.:\n\tAble to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAmbiguity:\n\tTelling the truth when you don't mean to.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAmbition, n:\n\tAn overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while\n\tliving and made ridiculous by friends when dead.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\nAmoebit:\n\tAmoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAndrea's Admonition:\n\tNever bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you.\n\tIf you think his window is closed and he can't hear you,\n\tit isn't and he can.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAndrophobia:\n\tFear of men.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnoint, v.:\n\tTo grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently\n\tslippery.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnthony's Law of Force:\n\tDon't force it; get a larger hammer.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnthony's Law of the Workshop:\n\tAny tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible\n\tcorner of the workshop.\n\nCorollary:\n\tOn the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike\n\tyour toes.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAntonym, n.:\n\tThe opposite of the word you're trying to think of.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAphasia:\n\tLoss of speech in social scientists when asked\n\tat parties, \"But of what use is your research?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\naphorism, n.:\n\tA concise, clever statement.\nafterism, n.:\n\tA concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.\n\t\t-- James Alexander Thom\n"}, {"quote": "\nAppendix:\n\tA portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use.\n"}, {"quote": "\nApplause, n:\n\tThe echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\naquadextrous, adj.:\n\tPossessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off\n\twith your toes.\n\t\t-- Rich Hall, \"Sniglets\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nArbitrary systems, pl.n.:\n\tSystems about which nothing general can be said, save \"nothing\n\tgeneral can be said.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nArithmetic:\n\tAn obscure art no longer practiced in the world's developed countries.\n"}, {"quote": "\nArmadillo:\n\tTo provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.\n"}, {"quote": "\nArmor's Axiom:\n\tVirtue is the failure to achieve vice.\n"}, {"quote": "\nArmstrong's Collection Law:\n\tIf the check is truly in the mail,\n\tit is surely made out to someone else.\n"}, {"quote": "\nArnold's Addendum:\n\tAnything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.\n"}, {"quote": "\nArnold's Laws of Documentation:\n\t(1) If it should exist, it doesn't.\n\t(2) If it does exist, it's out of date.\n\t(3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the\n\t    first two laws.\n"}, {"quote": "\nArthur's Laws of Love:\n\t(1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you\n\t    remind them of someone else.\n\t(2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be\n\t    delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of\n\t    yourself in person.\n"}, {"quote": "\nASCII:\n\tThe control code for all beginning programmers and those who would\n\tbecome computer literate.  Etymologically, the term has come down as\n\ta contraction of the often-repeated phrase \"ascii and you shall\n\treceive.\"\n\t\t-- Robb Russon\n"}, {"quote": "\nAtlanta:\n\tAn entire city surrounded by an airport.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAuction:\n\tA gyp off the old block.\n"}, {"quote": "\naudophile, n:\n\tSomeone who listens to the equipment instead of the music.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAuthentic:\n\tIndubitably true, in somebody's opinion.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAutomobile, n.:\n\tA four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBachelor:\n\tA guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBachelor:\n\tA man who chases women and never Mrs. one.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBackward conditioning:\n\tPutting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBagdikian's Observation:\n\tTrying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper\n\tis like trying to play Bach's \"St. Matthew Passion\" on a ukelele.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBaker's First Law of Federal Geometry:\n\tA block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by\n\tgovernors.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBallistophobia:\n\tFear of bullets;\nOtophobia:\n\tFear of opening one's eyes.\nPeccatophobia:\n\tFear of sinning.\nTaphephobia:\n\tFear of being buried alive.\nSitophobia:\n\tFear of food.\nTrichophobbia:\n\tFear of hair.\nVestiphobia:\n\tFear of clothing.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBanacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb:\n\tThe hippo has no sting, but the wise man would rather be sat upon\n\tby the bee.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBanectomy, n.:\n\tThe removal of bruises on a banana.\n\t\t-- Rich Hall, \"Sniglets\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nBarach's Rule:\n\tAn alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBarbara's Rules of Bitter Experience:\n\t(1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes\n\t    and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends.\n\t(2) When you finally buy pretty stationary\n\t    to continue the correspondence, he stops writing.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBarker's Proof:\n\tProofreading is more effective after publication.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBarometer, n.:\n\tAn ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we\n\tare having.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nBarth's Distinction:\n\tThere are two types of people: those who divide people into two\n\ttypes, and those who don't.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBaruch's Observation:\n\tIf all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBasic Definitions of Science:\n\tIf it's green or wiggles, it's biology.\n\tIf it stinks, it's chemistry.\n\tIf it doesn't work, it's physics.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBASIC, n.:\n\tA programming language.  Related to certain social diseases in\n\tthat those who have it will not admit it in polite company.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBathquake, n.:\n\tThe violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water\n\tfaucet is turned on to a certain point.\n\t\t-- Rich Hall, \"Sniglets\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nBattle, n.:\n\tA method of untying with the teeth a political knot that\n\twill not yield to the tongue.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeauty, n.:\n\tThe power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeauty:\n\tWhat's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBegathon, n.:\n\tA multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so\n\tyou won't have to watch commercials.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeifeld's Principle:\n\tThe probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive\n\tyoung female increases by pyramidical progression when he\n\tis already in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a\n\tbetter-looking and richer male friend.\n\t\t-- R. Beifeld\n"}, {"quote": "\nbelief, n:\n\tSomething you do not believe.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBennett's Laws of Horticulture:\n\t(1) Houses are for people to live in.\n\t(2) Gardens are for plants to live in.\n\t(3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBenson's Dogma:\n\tASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBershere's Formula for Failure:\n\tThere are only two kinds of people who fail: those who\n\tlisten to nobody... and those who listen to everybody.\n"}, {"quote": "\nbeta test, v:\n\tTo voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's\n\tsanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three.\n\tIn earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBierman's Laws of Contracts:\n\t(1) In any given document, you can't cover all the \"what if's\".\n\t(2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved \"what if's\".\n\t(3) Every resolved \"what if\" creates two unresolved \"what if's\".\n"}, {"quote": "\nBilbo's First Law:\n\tYou cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBinary, adj.:\n\tPossessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBing's Rule:\n\tDon't try to stem the tide -- move the beach.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBipolar, adj.:\n\tRefers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, New York.\n"}, {"quote": "\nbirth, n:\n\tThe first and direst of all disasters.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nbit, n:\n\tA unit of measure applied to color.  Twenty-four-bit color\n\trefers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25\n\tcent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years ago.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBizoos, n.:\n\tThe millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a basketball.\n\t\t-- Rich Hall, \"Sniglets\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nblithwapping:\n\tUsing anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the\n\twall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.\n\t\t-- \"Sniglets\", Rich Hall & Friends\n"}, {"quote": "\nBloom's Seventh Law of Litigation:\n\tThe judge's jokes are always funny.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBlore's Razor:\n\tGiven a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBlutarsky's Axiom:\n\tNothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBoling's postulate:\n\tIf you're feeling good, don't worry.  You'll get over it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:\n\tProject teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so\n\tvividly manifests their lack of progress.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBombeck's Rule of Medicine:\n\tNever go to a doctor whose office plants have died.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBoob's Law:\n\tYou always find something in the last place you look.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBooker's Law:\n\tAn ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBore, n.:\n\tA guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.\n\t\t-- Walter Winchell\n"}, {"quote": "\nBore, n.:\n\tA person who talks when you wish him to listen.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nBoren's Laws:\n\t(1) When in charge, ponder.\n\t(2) When in trouble, delegate.\n\t(3) When in doubt, mumble.\n"}, {"quote": "\nboss, n:\n\tAccording to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the\n\twords \"boss\" and \"botch\" were largely synonymous, except that boss,\n\tin addition to meaning \"a supervisor of workers\" also meant \"an\n\tornamental stud.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nBoucher's Observation:\n\tHe who blows his own horn always plays the music\n\tseveral octaves higher than originally written.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBower's Law:\n\tTalent goes where the action is.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBowie's Theorem:\n\tIf an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.\n"}, {"quote": "\nboy, n:\n\tA noise with dirt on it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBradley's Bromide:\n\tIf computers get too powerful, we can organize\n\tthem into a committee -- that will do them in.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBrady's First Law of Problem Solving:\n\tWhen confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more\n\teasily by reducing it to the question, \"How would the Lone Ranger\n\thave handled this?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nbrain, n:\n\tThe apparatus with which we think that we think.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nbrain, v: [as in \"to brain\"]\n\tTo rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source\n\tof error in an opponent.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nBride, n.:\n\tA woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nbriefcase, n:\n\tA trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.\n"}, {"quote": "\nbroad-mindedness, n:\n\tThe result of flattening high-mindedness out.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBrogan's Constant:\n\tPeople tend to congregate in the back of the church and the\n\tfront of the bus.\n"}, {"quote": "\nbrokee, n:\n\tSomeone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBrontosaurus Principle:\n\tOrganizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them\n\tin relation to their environment and to their own physiology:  when\n\tthis occurs, they are an endangered species.\n\t\t-- Thomas K. Connellan\n"}, {"quote": "\nBrook's Law:\n\tAdding manpower to a late software project makes it later.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBrooke's Law:\n\tWhenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool\n\tdiscovers something which either abolishes the system or\n\texpands it beyond recognition.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBubble Memory, n.:\n\tA derogatory term, usually referring to a person's intelligence.\n\tSee also \"vacuum tube\".\n"}, {"quote": "\nBucy's Law:\n\tNothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBug, n.:\n\tAn aspect of a computer program which exists because the\n\tprogrammer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he\n\twrote the program.\n\nFortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.\n\t\t-- Ray Simard\n"}, {"quote": "\nbug, n:\n\tA son of a glitch.\n"}, {"quote": "\nbug, n:\n\tAn elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.\n\tThe activity of \"debugging\", or removing bugs from a program, ends\n\twhen people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.\n\t\t-- \"Datamation\", January 15, 1984\n"}, {"quote": "\nBugs, pl. n.:\n\tSmall living things that small living boys throw on small living girls.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBumper sticker:\n\tAll the parts falling off this car are of the very finest\n\tBritish manufacture.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBunker's Admonition:\n\tYou cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBurbulation:\n\tThe obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in\n\tan attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on.\n\t\t-- \"Sniglets\", Rich Hall & Friends\n"}, {"quote": "\nBureau Termination, Law of:\n\tWhen a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out,\n\tthe number of employees in that bureau will double within\n\t12 months after the decision is made.\n"}, {"quote": "\nbureaucracy, n:\n\tA method for transforming energy into solid waste.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBureaucrat, n.:\n\tA person who cuts red tape sideways.\n\t\t-- J. McCabe\n"}, {"quote": "\nbureaucrat, n:\n\tA politician who has tenure.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBurke's Postulates:\n\tAnything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.\n\tDon't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBurn's Hog Weighing Method:\n\t(1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a sawhorse.\n\t(2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.\n\t(3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again perfectly\n\t    balanced.\n\t(4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.\n\t\t-- Robert Burns\n"}, {"quote": "\nbuzzword, n:\n\tThe fly in the ointment of computer literacy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nbyob, v:\n\tBelieving Your Own Bull\n"}, {"quote": "\nC, n:\n\tA programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like\n\tassembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything\n\telse.  It is either the best language available to the art today, or\n\tit isn't.\n\t\t-- Ray Simard\n"}, {"quote": "\nCabbage, n.:\n\tA familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as\n\ta man's head.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nCache:\n\tA very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one\n\tis supposed to know is there.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCahn's Axiom:\n\tWhen all else fails, read the instructions.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCampbell's Law:\n\tNature abhors a vacuous experimenter.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCanada Bill Jones's Motto:\n\tIt's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.\n\nCanada Bill Jones's Supplement:\n\tA Smith and Wesson beats four aces.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCaptain Penny's Law:\n\tYou can fool all of the people some of the time, and\n\tsome of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCarperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.:\n\tThe act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a\n\tdozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then\n\tputting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.\n\t\t-- Rich Hall, \"Sniglets\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nCarson's Consolation:\n\tNothing is ever a complete failure.\n\tIt can always be used as a bad example.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCarson's Observation on Footwear:\n\tIf the shoe fits, buy the other one too.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCarswell's Corollary:\n\tWhenever man comes up with a better mousetrap,\n\tnature invariably comes up with a better mouse.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCat, n.:\n\tLapwarmer with built-in buzzer.\n"}, {"quote": "\nChamberlain's Laws:\n\t(1) The big guys always win.\n\t(2) Everything tastes more or less like chicken.\n"}, {"quote": "\ncharacter density, n.:\n\tThe number of very weird people in the office.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCharity, n.:\n\tA thing that begins at home and usually stays there.\n"}, {"quote": "\ncheckuary, n:\n\tThe thirteenth month of the year.  Begins New Year's Day and ends\n\twhen a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks.\n"}, {"quote": "\nChef, n.:\n\tAny cook who swears in French.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCheit's Lament:\n\tIf you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you--\n\tthe next time he's in need.\n"}, {"quote": "\nChemicals, n.:\n\tNoxious substances from which modern foods are made.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCheops' Law:\n\tNothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.\n"}, {"quote": "\nChicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:\n\tNever ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn headgear\n\twhere he got his \"pyramid powered pizza warmer\".\n\t\t-- Chicago Reader 3/27/81\n"}, {"quote": "\nChicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:\n\tThe CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request\n\tfor overheated passengers.  When your timer pops up, the driver will\n\tcheerfully baste you.\n\t\t-- Chicago Reader 5/28/82\n"}, {"quote": "\nChicken Soup:\n\tAn ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,\n\tcocaine, interferon, and TLC.  The only ailment chicken soup\n\tcan't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.\n\t\t-- Arthur Naiman, \"Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nChism's Law of Completion:\n\tThe amount of time required to complete a government project is\n\tprecisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nChisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:\n\tWhen things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.\n"}, {"quote": "\nChristmas:\n\tA day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry \n\tsalads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best\n\tresponse time of the entire year.\n"}, {"quote": "\nChurchill's Commentary on Man:\n\tMan will occasionally stumble over the truth,\n\tbut most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCinemuck, n.:\n\tThe combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which\n\tcovers the floors of movie theaters.\n\t\t-- Rich Hall, \"Sniglets\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nclairvoyant, n.:\n\tA person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that\n\twhich is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nClarke's Conclusion:\n\tNever let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.\n"}, {"quote": "\nClay's Conclusion:\n\tCreativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.\n"}, {"quote": "\nclone, n:\n\t1. An exact duplicate, as in \"our product is a clone of their\n\tproduct.\"  2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in \"their product\n\tis a clone of our product.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nClovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly:\n\tThe perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated\n\tthan by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere,\n\tbread becomes hard while crackers become soft.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCOBOL:\n\tAn exercise in Artificial Inelegance.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCOBOL:\n\tCompletely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCohen's Law:\n\tThere is no bottom to worse.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCohn's Law:\n\tThe more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less\n\ttime you have to do anything.  Stability is achieved when you spend\n\tall your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCold, adj.:\n\tWhen the politicians walk around with their hands in their own pockets.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCole's Law:\n\tThinly sliced cabbage.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCollaboration, n.:\n\tA literary partnership based on the false assumption that the\n\tother fellow can spell.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCollege:\n\tThe fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.\n"}, {"quote": "\nColvard's Logical Premises:\n\tAll probabilities are 50"}, {"quote": ".\n\tEither a thing will happen or it won't.\n\nColvard's Unconscionable Commentary:\n\tThis is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to.\n\nGrelb's Commentary:\n\tLikelihoods, however, are 90"}, {"quote": " against you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCommand, n.:\n\tStatement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in\n\tsuch a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.\n"}, {"quote": "\ncomment:\n\tA superfluous element of a source program included so the\n\tprogrammer can remember what the hell it was he was doing\n\tsix months later.  Only the weak-minded need them, according\n\tto those who think they aren't.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCommitment, n.:\n\t[The difference between involvement and] Commitment can be\n\tillustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.  The chicken was\n\tinvolved, the pig was committed.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCommittee, n.:\n\tA group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group\n\tdecide that nothing can be done.\n\t\t-- Fred Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nCommoner's three laws of ecology:\n\t(1) No action is without side-effects.\n\t(2) Nothing ever goes away.\n\t(3) There is no free lunch.\n"}, {"quote": "\nComplex system:\n\tOne with real problems and imaginary profits.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCompliment, n.:\n\tWhen you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true.\n"}, {"quote": "\ncompuberty, n:\n\tThe uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a\n\tcomputer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and\n\ta sun4 is put online sharing files.\n"}, {"quote": "\nComputer, n.:\n\tAn electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a\n\ttotally understandable, rigorously logical manner.  If you believe\n\tthis, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan.\n"}, {"quote": "\nConcept, n.:\n\tAny \"idea\" for which an outside consultant billed you more than\n\t$25,000.\n"}, {"quote": "\nConference, n.:\n\tA special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear\n\twhat they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what\n\the's already decided to do.\n"}, {"quote": "\nConfidant, confidante, n:\n\tOne entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nConfirmed bachelor:\n\tA man who goes through life without a hitch.\n"}, {"quote": "\nConsent decree:\n\tA document in which a hapless company consents never to commit\n\tin the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it\n\tnever admitted to in the first place.\n"}, {"quote": "\nConsultant, n.:\n\t(1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell\n\tyou what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title\n\tof anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have\n\tCalculator, Will Travel.\n"}, {"quote": "\nConsultant, n.:\n\tAn ordinary man a long way from home.\n"}, {"quote": "\nconsultant, n.:\n\tSomeone who knowns 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date.\n"}, {"quote": "\nConsultant, n.:\n\tSomeone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a lie than stand on\n\tthe ground and tell the truth.\n"}, {"quote": "\nConsultation, n.:\n\tMedical term meaning \"to share the wealth.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nConversation, n.:\n\tA vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath\n\tis called the listener.\n"}, {"quote": "\nConway's Law:\n\tIn any organization there will always be one person who knows\n\twhat is going on.\n\n\tThis person must be fired.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCopying machine, n.:\n\tA device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages,\n\tand makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't\n\tinterested in reading them.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCoronation, n.:\n\tThe ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible\n\tsigns of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nCorrespondence Corollary:\n\tAn experiment may be considered a success if no more than half\n\tyour data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCorry's Law:\n\tPaper is always strongest at the perforations.\n"}, {"quote": "\ncourt, n.:\n\tA place where they dispense with justice.\n\t\t-- Arthur Train\n"}, {"quote": "\nCoward, n.:\n\tOne who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nCreditor, n.:\n\tA man who has a better memory than a debtor.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCrenna's Law of Political Accountability:\n\tIf you are the first to know about something bad, you are going to be\n\theld responsible for acting on it, regardless of your formal duties.\n"}, {"quote": "\ncritic, n.:\n\tA person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries\n\tto please him.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nCroll's Query:\n\tIf tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?\n"}, {"quote": "\nCropp's Law:\n\tThe amount of work done varies inversly with the time spent in the\n\toffice.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCruickshank's Law of Committees:\n\tIf a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it\n\twill inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so\n\tmuch work has already been done on it.\n"}, {"quote": "\ncursor address, n:\n\t\"Hello, cursor!\"\n\t\t-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, \"The Devil's DP Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nCursor, n.:\n\tOne whose program will not run.\n\t\t-- Robb Russon\n"}, {"quote": "\nCutler Webster's Law:\n\tThere are two sides to every argument, unless a person\n\tis personally involved, in which case there is only one.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCynic, n.:\n\tA blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not\n\tas they ought to be.  Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking\n\tout a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nCynic, n.:\n\tExperienced.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCynic, n.:\n\tOne who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.\n"}, {"quote": "\nData, n.:\n\tAn accrual of straws on the backs of theories.\n"}, {"quote": "\nData, n.:\n\tComputerspeak for \"information\".  Properly pronounced\n\tthe way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDavis' Law of Traffic Density:\n\tThe density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to\n\t1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDavis's Dictum:\n\tProblems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDawn, n.:\n\tThe time when men of reason go to bed.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nDeadwood, n.:\n\tAnyone in your company who is more senior than you are.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDeath wish, n.:\n\tThe only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDecision maker, n.:\n\tThe person in your office who was unable to form a task force\n\tbefore the music stopped.\n"}, {"quote": "\ndefault, n.:\n\t[Possibly from Black English \"De fault wid dis system is you,\n\tmon.\"] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity.  \"Nothing will\n\tcome of nothing: speak again.\" -- King Lear.\n\t\t-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, \"The Devil's DP Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nDefault, n.:\n\tThe hardware's, of course.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDeliberation, n.:\n\tThe act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is\n\tbuttered on.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nDentist, n.:\n\tA Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls\n\tcoins out of one's pockets.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nDenver, n.:\n\tA smallish city located just below the `O' in Colorado.\n"}, {"quote": "\ndesign, v.:\n\tWhat you regret not doing later on.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDeVries' Dilemma:\n\tIf you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want\n\thits the paper.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDibble's First Law of Sociology:\n\tSome do, some don't.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDie, v.:\n\tTo stop sinning suddenly.\n\t\t-- Elbert Hubbard\n"}, {"quote": "\nDinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite):\n\t1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce\n\t1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast\n\t1 carton milk\n"}, {"quote": "\ndiplomacy, n:\n\tLying in state.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDirksen's Three Laws of Politics:\n\t(1) Get elected.\n\t(2) Get re-elected.\n\t(3) Don't get mad, get even.\n\t\t-- Sen. Everett Dirksen\n"}, {"quote": "\ndisbar, n:\n\tAs distinguished from some other bar.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDistinctive, adj.:\n\tA different color or shape than our competitors.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDistress, n.:\n\tA disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\ndivorce, n:\n\tA change of wife.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDocumentation:\n\tInstructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English\n\tspeaking persons.\n"}, {"quote": "\ndouble-blind experiment, n:\n\tAn experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is\n\tfooling both the subject and the lab assistant.  Often accompanied\n\tby a strong belief in the tooth fairy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDow's Law:\n\tIn a hierarchical organization, the higher the level,\n\tthe greater the confusion.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDrakenberg's Discovery:\n\tIf you can't seem to find your glasses,\n\tit's probably because you don't have them on.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDrew's Law of Highway Biology:\n\tThe first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front\n\tof your eyes.\n"}, {"quote": "\ndrug, n:\n\tA substance that, injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDucharme's Precept:\n\tOpportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.\n\nDucharme's Axiom:\n\tIf you view your problem closely enough you will recognize\n\tyourself as part of the problem.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDuty, n:\n\tWhat one expects from others.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nEagleson's Law:\n\tAny code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more\n\tmonths, might as well have been written by someone else.  (Eagleson\n\tis an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.)\n"}, {"quote": "\neconomics, n.:\n\tEconomics is the study of the value and meaning of J.K. Galbraith.\n\t\t-- Mike Harding, \"The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac\"\n"}, {"quote": "\neconomist, n:\n\tSomeone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough\n\tpersonality to become an accountant.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEgotism, n:\n\tDoing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.\n\nEgotist, n:\n\tA person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nEhrman's Commentary:\n\t(1) Things will get worse before they get better.\n\t(2) Who said things would get better?\n"}, {"quote": "\nElbonics, n.:\n\tThe actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie\n\ttheatre.\n\t\t-- \"Sniglets\", Rich Hall & Friends\n"}, {"quote": "\nElectrocution, n.:\n\tBurning at the stake with all the modern improvements.\n"}, {"quote": "\nElephant, n.:\n\tA mouse built to government specifications.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEmacs, n.:\n\tA slow-moving parody of a text editor.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEmerson's Law of Contrariness:\n\tOur chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we\n\tcan.  Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEncyclopedia Salesmen:\n\tInvite them all in.  Nip out the back door.  Phone the police\n\tand tell them your house is being burgled.\n\t\t-- Mike Harding, \"The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nEndless Loop, n.:\n\tsee Loop, Endless.\nLoop, Endless, n.:\n\tsee Endless Loop.\n\t\t-- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary\n"}, {"quote": "\nenhance, v.:\n\tTo tamper with an image, usually to its detriment.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEntreprenuer, n.:\n\tA high-rolling risk taker who would rather\n\tbe a spectacular failure than a dismal success.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEnvy, n.:\n\tWishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage,\n\tinstead of having to try and acquire one.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEpperson's law:\n\tWhen a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably\n\tsomething his wife can beat him at.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvery program has (at least) two purposes:\n\tthe one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't.\n"}, {"quote": "\nExpense Accounts, n.:\n\tCorporate food stamps.\n"}, {"quote": "\nExperience, n.:\n\tSomething you don't get until just after you need it.\n\t\t-- Olivier\n"}, {"quote": "\nExpert, n.:\n\tSomeone who comes from out of town and shows slides.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFairy Tale, n.:\n\tA horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFakir, n:\n\tA psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost\n\treligious devotion in his followers, even though the sources\n\tseem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.\n"}, {"quote": "\nfalsie salesman, n:\n\tFuller bust man.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFamous last words:\n"}, {"quote": "\nFamous last words:\n\t(1) \"Don't worry, I can handle it.\"\n\t(2) \"You and what army?\"\n\t(3) \"If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be\n\t     a cop.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nFamous quotations:\n\t\" \"\n\t\t-- Charlie Chaplin\n\n\t\" \"\n\t\t-- Harpo Marx\n\n\t\" \"\n\t\t-- Marcel Marceau\n"}, {"quote": "\nFamous, adj.:\n\tConspicuously miserable.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nfenderberg, n.:\n\tThe large glacial deposits that form on the insides\n\tof car fenders during snowstorms.\n\t\t-- \"Sniglets\", Rich Hall & Friends\n"}, {"quote": "\nFerguson's Precept:\n\tA crisis is when you can't say \"let's forget the whole thing.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nFidelity, n.:\n\tA virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFifth Law of Applied Terror:\n\tIf you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.\n\nCorollary:\n\tIf you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFifth Law of Procrastination:\n\tProcrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that\n\tthere is nothing important to do.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFile cabinet:\n\tA four drawer, manually activated trash compactor.\n"}, {"quote": "\nfilibuster, n.:\n\tThrowing your wait around.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFinagle's Creed:\n\tScience is true.  Don't be misled by facts.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFinagle's First Law:\n\tIf an experiment works, something has gone wrong.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFinagle's Second Law:\n\tNo matter what the anticipated result, there will always be\n\tsomeone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it\n\thappened according to his own pet theory.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFinagle's Seventh Law:\n\tThe perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFine's Corollary:\n\tFunctionality breeds Contempt.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFinster's Law:\n\tA closed mouth gathers no feet.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFirst Law of Bicycling:\n\tNo matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFirst law of debate:\n\tNever argue with a fool.  People might not know the difference.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFirst Law of Socio-Genetics:\n\tCelibacy is not hereditary.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFirst Rule of History:\n\tHistory doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFishbowl, n.:\n\tA glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly promoted managers are\n\tkept for observation.\n"}, {"quote": "\nflannister, n.:\n\tThe plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together.\n\t\t-- \"Sniglets\", Rich Hall & Friends\n"}, {"quote": "\nFlon's Law:\n\tThere is not now, and never will be, a language in\n\twhich it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFlugg's Law:\n\tWhen you need to knock on wood is when you realize\n\tthat the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFog Lamps, n.:\n\tExcessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts\n\tof automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the\n\tdriver's brain is in a fog.  See also \"Idiot Lights\".\n"}, {"quote": "\nFoolproof Operation:\n\tNo provision for adjustment.\n"}, {"quote": "\nForecast, n.:\n\tA prediction of the future, based on the past, for\n\twhich the forecaster demands payment in the present.\n"}, {"quote": "\nForgetfulness, n.:\n\tA gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for\n\ttheir destitution of conscience.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFourth Law of Applied Terror:\n\tThe night before the English History mid-term, your Biology\n\tinstructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.\n\nCorollary:\n\tEvery instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except\n\tstudy for that instructor's course.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFourth Law of Revision:\n\tIt is usually impractical to worry beforehand about\n\tinterferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFourth Law of Thermodynamics:\n\tIf the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero.\n\t\t-- David Ellis\n"}, {"quote": "\nFresco's Discovery:\n\tIf you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFried's 1st Rule:\n\tIncreased automation of clerical function\n\tinvariably results in increased operational costs.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFriends, n.:\n\tPeople who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them.\n\n\tPeople who know you well, but like you anyway.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFuch's Warning:\n\tIf you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well\n\tenough to travel.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFudd's First Law of Opposition:\n\tPush something hard enough and it will fall over.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFun experiments:\n\tGet a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week.\n\tThen take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want...\n\tbedroom, car, etc.  As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFun Facts, #14:\n\tIn table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins.  That's how\n\tit once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFun Facts, #63:\n\tThe name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores.\n\tIt was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the\n\tSpanish romance, \"Les Serges de Esplandian\", written by Montalvo in\n\t1510.\n"}, {"quote": "\nfurbling, v.:\n\tHaving to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank\n\teven when you are the only person in line.\n\t\t-- Rich Hall, \"Sniglets\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nGalbraith's Law of Human Nature:\n\tFaced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that\n\tthere is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGenderplex, n.:\n\tThe predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to\n\tdetermine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and tortoises).\n\t\t-- Rich Hall, \"Sniglets\"\n"}, {"quote": "\ngenealogy, n.:\n\tAn account of one's descent from an ancestor\n\twho did not particularly care to trace his own.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\nGenius, n.:\n\tA chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with \"bright.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\ngenius, n.:\n\tPerson clever enough to be born in the right place at the right\n\ttime of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying\n\tall the right things to all the right people.\n"}, {"quote": "\ngenlock, n.:\n\tWhy he stays in the bottle.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGetting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.\n\nCorollary:\n\tFollowing the rules will not get the job done.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGilbert's Discovery:\n\tAny attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces\n\tsticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGinsburg's Law:\n\tAt the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your\n\tbig toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on.\n"}, {"quote": "\ngleemites, n.:\n\tPetrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.\n\t\t-- \"Sniglets\", Rich Hall & Friends\n"}, {"quote": "\nGlib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:\n\tInvestment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the\n\tprobable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting\n\tsome useful work done.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGnagloot, n.:\n\tA person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to\n\timpress people.\n\t\t-- Rich Hall, \"Sniglets\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nGoda's Truism:\n\tBy the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet,\n\tsomebody moves the ends.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGold's Law:\n\tIf the shoe fits, it's ugly.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGoldenstern's Rules:\n\t(1) Always hire a rich attorney\n\t(2) Never buy from a rich salesman.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGomme's Laws:\n\t(1) A backscratcher will always find new itches.\n\t(2) Time accelerates.\n\t(3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGordon's first law:\n\tIf a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing well.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGordon's Law:\n\tIf you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased.\n"}, {"quote": "\ngossip, n.:\n\tHearing something you like about someone you don't.\n\t\t-- Earl Wilson\n"}, {"quote": "\nGoto, n.:\n\tA programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers\n\tto complain about unstructured programmers.\n\t\t-- Ray Simard\n"}, {"quote": "\nGovernment's Law:\n\tThere is an exception to all laws.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGrabel's Law:\n\t2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGrandpa Charnock's Law:\n\tYou never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.\n\n\t[I thought it was when your kids learned to drive.  Ed.]\n"}, {"quote": "\ngrasshopotomaus:\n\tA creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGravity:\n\tWhat you get when you eat too much and too fast.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGray's Law of Programming:\n\t`_\bn+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same\n\ttime as `_\bn' tasks.\n\nLogg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:\n\t`_\bn+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_\bn' trivial tasks.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGreat American Axiom:\n\tSome is good, more is better, too much is just right.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGreen's Law of Debate:\n\tAnything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGreener's Law:\n\tNever argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGrelb's Reminder:\n\tEighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above\n\taverage drivers.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGriffin's Thought:\n\tWhen you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGrinnell's Law of Labor Laxity:\n\tAt all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGuillotine, n.:\n\tA French chopping center.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGumperson's Law:\n\tThe probability of a given event occurring is inversely\n\tproportional to its desirability.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGunter's Airborne Discoveries:\n\t(1)  When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft,\n\t     the aircraft will encounter turbulence.\n\t(2)  The strength of the turbulence\n\t     is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.\n"}, {"quote": "\ngurmlish, n.:\n\tThe red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which\n\tprevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof\n\tof his mouth.\n\t\t-- Rich Hall, \"Sniglets\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nguru, n.:\n\tA person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with\n\ta senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the\n\tphone call you are about to receive from your boss.\n"}, {"quote": "\nguru, n:\n\tA computer owner who can read the manual.\n"}, {"quote": "\nH. L. Mencken's Law:\n\tThose who can -- do.\n\tThose who can't -- teach.\n\nMartin's Extension:\n\tThose who cannot teach -- administrate.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHacker's Law:\n\tThe belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir\n\ta nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHacker's Quicky #313:\n\tSour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips\n\tMicrowave Egg Roll\n\tChocolate Milk\n"}, {"quote": "\nhacker, n.:\n\tA master byter.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHale Mail Rule, The:\n\tWhen you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least\n\tone of the following:\n\t\t(a) A pen or pencil or typewriter.\n\t\t(b) Stationery.\n\t\t(c) Postage stamp.\n\t\t(d) The letter you are answering.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHand, n.:\n\tA singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and\n\tcommonly thrust into somebody's pocket.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nhandshaking protocol, n:\n\tA process employed by hostile hardware devices to initate a\n\tterse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by\n\toccasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHangover, n.:\n\tThe burden of proof.\n"}, {"quote": "\nhangover, n.:\n\tThe wrath of grapes.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHanlon's Razor:\n\tNever attribute to malice that which is adequately explained\n\tby stupidity.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHanson's Treatment of Time:\n\tThere are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days\n\tbefore Saturday.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHappiness, n.:\n\tAn agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nhard, adj.:\n\tThe quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those\n\tof other people.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHardware, n.:\n\tThe parts of a computer system that can be kicked.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHarriet's Dining Observation:\n\tIn every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats\n\tincreases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHarris's Lament:\n\tAll the good ones are taken.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHarrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:\n\tExperience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHarrison's Postulate:\n\tFor every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHartley's First Law:\n\tYou can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float\n\ton his back, you've got something.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHatred, n.:\n\tA sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHawkeye's Conclusion:\n\tIt's not easy to play the clown when you've got to run the whole\n\tcircus.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHeaven, n.:\n\tA place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of\n\ttheir personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you\n\texpound your own.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nheavy, adj.:\n\tSeduced by the chocolate side of the force.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHeller's Law:\n\tThe first myth of management is that it exists.\n\nJohnson's Corollary:\n\tNobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the\n\torganization.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHempstone's Question:\n\tIf you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?\n"}, {"quote": "\nHerth's Law:\n\tHe who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHewett's Observation:\n\tThe rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or\n\ther position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of\n\tpeers similarly engaged.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHildebrant's Principle:\n\tIf you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHistory, n.:\n\tPapa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we\n\tlearn nothing from history.  I know people who can't even learn from\n\twhat happened this morning.  Hegel must have been taking the long view.\n\t\t-- Chad C. Mulligan, \"The Hipcrime Vocab\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHitchcock's Staple Principle:\n\tThe stapler runs out of staples only while you are trying to\n\tstaple something.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHlade's Law:\n\tIf you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person --\n\tthey will find an easier way to do it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHoare's Law of Large Problems:\n\tInside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHoffer's Discovery:\n\tThe grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly\n\trevised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHofstadter's Law:\n\tIt always takes longer than you expect, even when you take\n\tHofstadter's Law into account.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHollerith, v.:\n\tWhat thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth.\n"}, {"quote": "\nhoneymoon, n.:\n\tA short period of doting between dating and debting.\n\t\t-- Ray C. Bandy\n"}, {"quote": "\nHonorable, adj.:\n\tAfflicted with an impediment in one's reach.  In legislative\n\tbodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as,\n\t\"the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur.\"\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHorner's Five Thumb Postulate:\n\tExperience varies directly with equipment ruined.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHorngren's Observation:\n\tAmong economists, the real world is often a special case.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHousehold hint:\n\tIf you are out of cream for your coffee, mayonnaise makes a\n\tdandy substitute.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:\n\t#1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:\n\t#15 Your pet rock snaps at you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:\n\t#32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHowe's Law:\n\tEveryone has a scheme that will not work.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHubbard's Law:\n\tDon't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHurewitz's Memory Principle:\n\tThe chance of forgetting something is directly proportional\n\tto... to... uh.....\n"}, {"quote": "\nIBM Pollyanna Principle:\n\tMachines should work.  People should think.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIBM's original motto:\n\tCogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIBM:\n\t[International Business Machines Corp.]  Also known as Itty Bitty\n\tMachines or The Lawyer's Friend.  The dominant force in computer\n\tmarketing, having supplied worldwide some 75"}, {"quote": " of all known hardware\n\tand 10"}, {"quote": " of all software.  To protect itself from the litigious envy\n\tof less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM\n\temploys 68"}, {"quote": " of all known ex-Attorneys' General.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIBM:\n\tI've Been Moved\n\tIdiots Become Managers\n\tIdiots Buy More\n\tImpossible to Buy Machine\n\tIncredibly Big Machine\n\tIndustry's Biggest Mistake\n\tInternational Brotherhood of Mercenaries\n\tIt Boggles the Mind\n\tIt's Better Manually\n\tItty-Bitty Machines\n"}, {"quote": "\nIBM:\n\tIt may be slow, but it's hard to use.\n"}, {"quote": "\nidiot box, n.:\n\tThe part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the\n\tstamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.\n\t\t-- Rich Hall, \"Sniglets\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIdiot, n.:\n\tA member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human\n\taffairs has always been dominant and controlling.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nidleness, n.:\n\tLeisure gone to seed.\n"}, {"quote": "\nignisecond, n:\n\tThe overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car\n\tdoor even as the brain is saying, \"my keys are in there!\"\n\t\t-- Rich Hall, \"Sniglets\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nignorance, n.:\n\tWhen you don't know anything, and someone else finds out.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIles's Law:\n\tThere is always an easier way to do it.  When looking directly\n\tat the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it.\n\tNeither will Iles.\n"}, {"quote": "\nImbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension:\n\tIn order for something to become clean, something else must\n\tbecome dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting\n\tanything clean.\n"}, {"quote": "\nImmutability, Three Rules of:\n\t(1)  If a tarpaulin can flap, it will.\n\t(2)  If a small boy can get dirty, he will.\n\t(3)  If a teenager can go out, he will.\n"}, {"quote": "\nImpartial, adj.:\n\tUnable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from\n\tespousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two\n\tconflicting opinions.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\ninbox, n.:\n\tA catch basin for everything you don't want to deal with, but\n\tare afraid to throw away.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIncumbent, n.:\n\tPerson of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nindex, n.:\n\tAlphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an\n\talphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be.\n"}, {"quote": "\nInfancy, n.:\n\tThe period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, \"Heaven lies\n\tabout us.\"  The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\nInformation Center, n.:\n\tA room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to\n\ttell you why you cannot have the information you require.\n"}, {"quote": "\nInformation Processing:\n\tWhat you call data processing when people are so disgusted with\n\tit they won't let it be discussed in their presence.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIngrate, n.:\n\tA man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of\n\tindigestion.\n"}, {"quote": "\nink, n.:\n\tA villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic,\n\tand water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of\n\tidiocy and promote intellectual crime.\n\t\t-- H.L. Mencken\n"}, {"quote": "\ninnovate, v.:\n\tTo annoy people.\n"}, {"quote": "\ninsecurity, n.:\n\tFinding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your\n\tfavorite words.\n\n\tRealizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to\n\tthe person who told it to you.\n"}, {"quote": "\ninterest, n.:\n\tWhat borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and\n\tburned out employees must feign.\n"}, {"quote": "\nInterpreter, n.:\n\tOne who enables two persons of different languages to\n\tunderstand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to\n\tthe interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nintoxicated, adj.:\n\tWhen you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIron Law of Distribution:\n\tThem that has, gets.\n"}, {"quote": "\nISO applications:\n\tA solution in search of a problem!\n"}, {"quote": "\nIssawi's Laws of Progress:\n\tThe Course of Progress:\n\t\tMost things get steadily worse.\n\tThe Path of Progress:\n\t\tA shortcut is the longest distance between two points.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is fruitless:\n\tto become lachrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid.\n\n\tto attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with\n\tinnovative maneuvers.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"It's in process\":\n\tSo wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.\n"}, {"quote": "\nitalic, adj:\n\tSlanted to the right to emphasize key phrases.  Unique to\n\tWestern alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases\n\tare often slanted to the left.\n"}, {"quote": "\nJacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:\n\tNo man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the\n\tlegislature is in session.\n"}, {"quote": "\nJenkinson's Law:\n\tIt won't work.\n"}, {"quote": "\nJim Nasium's Law:\n\tIn a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people\n\tusing the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to\n\teach other so that everybody is cramped.\n"}, {"quote": "\njob interview, n.:\n\tThe excruciating process during which personnel officers\n\tseparate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff.\n"}, {"quote": "\njob Placement, n.:\n\tTelling your boss what he can do with your job.\n"}, {"quote": "\njogger, n.:\n\tAn odd sort of person with a thing for pain.\n"}, {"quote": "\nJohnny Carson's Definition:\n\tThe smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs\n\tin Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the\n\ttaxi driver behind you blowing his horn.\n"}, {"quote": "\nJohnson's First Law:\n\tWhen any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the\n\tmost inconvenient possible time.\n"}, {"quote": "\nJohnson's law:\n\tSystems resemble the organizations that create them.\n"}, {"quote": "\nJones' First Law:\n\tAnyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of\n\tendeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an\n\tobstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the\n\timportance of their original contribution.\n"}, {"quote": "\nJones' Motto:\n\tFriends come and go, but enemies accumulate.\n"}, {"quote": "\nJones' Second Law:\n\tThe man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone\n\tto blame it on.\n"}, {"quote": "\nJuall's Law on Nice Guys:\n\tNice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish.\n\tSometimes they don't even get a chance to start!\n"}, {"quote": "\nJustice, n.:\n\tA decision in your favor.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKafka's Law:\n\tIn the fight between you and the world, back the world.\n\t\t-- Franz Kafka, \"RS's 1974 Expectation of Days\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nKarlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages:\n\tFor all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING\n\tpackage of snack food.\n\nGibson the Cat's Corrolary:\n\tFor all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package\n\tof lunch meat.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKatz' Law:\n\tMen and nations will act rationally when\n\tall other possibilities have been exhausted.\n\nHistory teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have\nexhausted all other alternatives.\n\t\t-- Abba Eban\n"}, {"quote": "\nKaufman's First Law of Party Physics:\n\tPopulation density is inversely proportional\n\tto the square of the distance from the keg.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKaufman's Law:\n\tA policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence\n\tof a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKennedy's Market Theorem:\n\tGiven enough inside information and unlimited credit,\n\tyou've got to go broke.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKent's Heuristic:\n\tLook for it first where you'd most like to find it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nkern, v.:\n\t1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear\n\tof corn.  2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small,\n\tmetal object used as part of the monetary system.\n"}, {"quote": "\nkernel, n.:\n\tA part of an operating system that preserves the medieval\n\ttraditions of sorcery and black art.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKettering's Observation:\n\tLogic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKime's Law for the Reward of Meekness:\n\tTurning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKin, n.:\n\tAn affliction of the blood.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKington's Law of Perforation:\n\tIf a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such\n\tas a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest\n\tpart of the paper.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKinkler's First Law:\n\tResponsibility always exceeds authority.\n\nKinkler's Second Law:\n\tAll the easy problems have been solved.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKliban's First Law of Dining:\n\tNever eat anything bigger than your head.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKludge, n.:\n\tAn ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a\n\tdistressing whole.\n\t\t-- Jackson Granholm, \"Datamation\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nKnebel's Law:\n\tIt is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading\n\tcauses of statistics.\n"}, {"quote": "\nknowledge, n.:\n\tThings you believe.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKramer's Law:\n\tYou can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKrogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):\n\tThe metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.\n\t\t-- Rich Hall, \"Sniglets\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nLabor, n.:\n\tOne of the processes by which A acquires property for B.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nLackland's Laws:\n\t(1) Never be first.\n\t(2) Never be last.\n\t(3) Never volunteer for anything\n"}, {"quote": "\nLactomangulation, n.:\n\tManhandling the \"open here\" spout on a milk carton so badly\n\tthat one has to resort to using the \"illegal\" side.\n\t\t-- Rich Hall, \"Sniglets\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nLangsam's Laws:\n\t(1) Everything depends.\n\t(2) Nothing is always.\n\t(3) Everything is sometimes.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLarkinson's Law:\n\tAll laws are basically false.\n"}, {"quote": "\nlaser, n.:\n\tFailed death ray.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLaura's Law:\n\tNo child throws up in the bathroom.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLaw of Communications:\n\tThe inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications\n\tbetween different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased\n\tarea of misunderstanding.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLaw of Continuity:\n\tExperiments should be reproducible.  They should all fail the same way.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLaw of Procrastination:\n\tProcrastination avoids boredom; one never has\n\tthe feeling that there is nothing important to do.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLaw of the Jungle:\n\tHe who hesitates is lunch.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLaws of Serendipity:\n\t(1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for something.\n\t(2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already\n\t    be engaged in making an inferior one.\n"}, {"quote": "\nlawsuit, n.:\n\tA machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\nLawyer's Rule:\n\tWhen the law is against you, argue the facts.\n\tWhen the facts are against you, argue the law.\n\tWhen both are against you, call the other lawyer names.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:\n\tNo matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --\n\tapproximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.\n"}, {"quote": "\nlearning curve, n.:\n\tAn astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants\n\tin the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the\n\tquicker you can do it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLee's Law:\n\tMother said there would be days like this,\n\tbut she never said that there'd be so many!\n"}, {"quote": "\nLeibowitz's Rule:\n\tWhen hammering a nail, you will never hit your\n\tfinger if you hold the hammer with both hands.\n"}, {"quote": "\nleverage, n.:\n\tEven if someone doesn't care what the world thinks\n\tabout them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLewis's Law of Travel:\n\tThe first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to anyone,\n\tever.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLiar, n.:\n\tA lawyer with a roving commission.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nLiar:\n\tone who tells an unpleasant truth.\n\t\t-- Oliver Herford\n"}, {"quote": "\nLie, n.:\n\tA very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one\n\tdiscovered to date.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLieberman's Law:\n\tEverybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.\n"}, {"quote": "\nlife, n.:\n\tA whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.\n"}, {"quote": "\nlife, n.:\n\tLearning about people the hard way -- by being one.\n"}, {"quote": "\nlife, n.:\n\tThat brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.\n"}, {"quote": "\nlighthouse, n.:\n\tA tall building on the seashore in which the government\n\tmaintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.\n"}, {"quote": "\nlike:\n\tWhen being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLinus' Law:\n\tThere is no heavier burden than a great potential.\n"}, {"quote": "\nlisp, v.:\n\tTo call a spade a thpade.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLockwood's Long Shot:\n\tThe chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street\n\taren't one in a million, but once would be enough.\n"}, {"quote": "\nlove,  n.:\n\tLove ties in a knot in the end of the rope.\n"}, {"quote": "\nlove, n.:\n\tWhen it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears.\n"}, {"quote": "\nlove, n.:\n\tWhen you don't want someone too close--because you're very sensitive\n\tto pleasure.\n"}, {"quote": "\nlove, n.:\n\tWhen you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning.\n"}, {"quote": "\nlove, n.:\n\tWhen, if asked to choose between your lover\n\tand happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat.\n"}, {"quote": "\nlove, v.:\n\tI'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLowery's Law:\n\tIf it jams -- force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:\n\tThere's always one more bug.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLunatic Asylum, n.:\n\tThe place where optimism most flourishes.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMachine-Independent, adj.:\n\tDoes not run on any existing machine.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMad, adj.:\n\tAffected with a high degree of intellectual independence ...\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nMadison's Inquiry:\n\tIf you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?\n"}, {"quote": "\nMagary's Principle:\n\tWhen there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any\n\tgovernment bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do\n\tthe cutting, and the public's services are cut.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMagnocartic, adj.:\n\tAny automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts.\n\t\t-- Sniglets, \"Rich Hall & Friends\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nMagpie, n.:\n\tA bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it\n\tmight be taught to talk.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nMaier's Law:\n\tIf the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.\n\t\t-- N.R. Maier, \"American Psychologist\", March 1960\n\nCorollaries:\n\t(1) The bigger the theory, the better.\n\t(2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than\n\t    50"}, {"quote": " of the observed measurements must be discarded to\n\t    obtain a correspondence with the theory.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMain's Law:\n\tFor every action there is an equal and opposite government program.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMaintainer's Motto:\n\tIf we can't fix it, it ain't broke.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMajority, n.:\n\tThat quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMale, n.:\n\tA member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex.  The male of the\n\thuman race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man.  The genus\n\thas two varieties:  good providers and bad providers.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nMalek's Law:\n\tAny simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.\n"}, {"quote": "\nmalpractice, n.:\n\tThe reason surgeons wear masks.\n"}, {"quote": "\nmanagement, n.:\n\tThe art of getting other people to do all the work.\n"}, {"quote": "\nmanic-depressive, adj.:\n\tEasy glum, easy glow.\n"}, {"quote": "\nManly's Maxim:\n\tLogic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion\n\twith confidence.\n"}, {"quote": "\nmanual, n.:\n\tA unit of documentation.  There are always three or more on a given\n\titem.  One is on the shelf; someone has the others.  The information\n\tyou need in in the others.\n\t\t-- Ray Simard\n"}, {"quote": "\nMark's Dental-Chair Discovery:\n\tDentists are incapable of asking questions that require a\n\tsimple yes or no answer.\n"}, {"quote": "\nmarriage, n.:\n\tAn old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply\n\tin love and desiring to make a committment to each other expressing\n\tthat love.  In short, committment to an institution.\n"}, {"quote": "\nmarriage, n.:\n\tConvertible bonds.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMarriage, n.:\n\tThe evil aye.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMarxist Law of Distribution of Wealth:\n\tShortages will be divided equally among the peasants.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMaryann's Law:\n\tYou can always find what you're not looking for.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMaslow's Maxim:\n\tIf the only tool you have is a hammer, you treat everything like \n\ta nail.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMason's First Law of Synergism:\n\tThe one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.\n"}, {"quote": "\nmathematician, n.:\n\tSome one who believes imaginary things appear right before your _\bi's.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMatz's Law:\n\tA conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMay's Law:\n\tThe quality of correlation is inversly proportional to the density\n\tof control.  (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)\n"}, {"quote": "\nMcEwan's Rule of Relative Importance:\n\tWhen traveling with a herd of elephants, don't be the first to\n\tlie down and rest.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMcGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:\n\tIf an item is advertised as \"under $50\", you can bet it's not $19.95.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMeade's Maxim:\n\tAlways remember that you are absolutely unique, just like everyone else.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMeader's Law:\n\tWhatever happens to you, it will previously\n\thave happened to everyone you know, only more so.\n"}, {"quote": "\nmeeting, n.:\n\tAn assembly of people coming together to decide what person or\n\tdepartment not represented in the room must solve a problem.\n"}, {"quote": "\nmeetings, n.:\n\tA place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.\n"}, {"quote": "\nmemo, n.:\n\tAn interoffice communication too often written more for the benefit\n\tof the person who sends it than the person who receives it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:\n\tThe worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:\n\tThe quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the\n\tcork makes when it is popped.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:\n\tAll the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:\n\tMilking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that\n\tis possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can\n\tnever hope to acquire it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMenu, n.:\n\tA list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMeskimen's Law:\n\tThere's never time to do it right, but there's always time to\n\tdo it over.\n"}, {"quote": "\nmeterologist, n.:\n\tOne who doubts the established fact that it is\n\tbound to rain if you forget your umbrella.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMicro Credo:\n\tNever trust a computer bigger than you can lift.\n"}, {"quote": "\nmicro:\n\tThinker toys.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMiksch's Law:\n\tIf a string has one end, then it has another end.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMiller's Slogan:\n\tLose a few, lose a few.\n"}, {"quote": "\nmillihelen, n.:\n\tThe amount of beauty required to launch one ship.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMinicomputer:\n\tA computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level manager.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMIPS:\n\tMeaningless Indicator of Processor Speed\n"}, {"quote": "\nMisfortune, n.:\n\tThe kind of fortune that never misses.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nMIT:\n\tThe Georgia Tech of the North\n"}, {"quote": "\nMitchell's Law of Committees:\n\tAny simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are\n\theld to discuss it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nmittsquinter, adj.:\n\tA ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as\n\tif, somehow, the cause of the error lies there.\n\t\t-- \"Sniglets\", Rich Hall & Friends\n"}, {"quote": "\nMix's Law:\n\tThere is nothing more permanent than a temporary building.\n\tThere is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.\n"}, {"quote": "\nmixed emotions:\n\tWatching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff.\n\tWith five empty seats.\n"}, {"quote": "\nmixed emotions:\n\tWatching your mother-in-law back off a cliff...\n\tin your brand new Mercedes.\n"}, {"quote": "\nmodem, adj.:\n\tUp-to-date, new-fangled, as in \"Thoroughly Modem Millie.\"  An\n\tunfortunate byproduct of kerning.\n\n\t[That's sic!]\n"}, {"quote": "\nmodesty, n.:\n\tBeing comfortable that others will discover your greatness.\n"}, {"quote": "\nModesty:\n\tThe gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be\n\taware of it.\n\t\t-- Oliver Herford\n"}, {"quote": "\nMollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:\n\tIf an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented\n\tit wasn't worth doing.\n"}, {"quote": "\nmomentum, n.:\n\tWhat you give a person when they are going away.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMoon, n.:\n\t1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to hackers.  See \n\tPHASE OF THE MOON.  2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).\n"}, {"quote": "\nMoore's Constant:\n\tEverybody sets out to do something, and everybody\n\tdoes something, but no one does what he sets out to do.\n"}, {"quote": "\nmophobia, n.:\n\tFear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMorton's Law:\n\tIf rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMosher's Law of Software Engineering:\n\tDon't worry if it doesn't work right.  If everything did, you'd\n\tbe out of a job.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMr. Cole's Axiom:\n\tThe sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the\n\tpopulation is growing.\n"}, {"quote": "\nmummy, n.:\n\tAn Egyptian who was pressed for time.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMurphy's Law of Research:\n\tEnough research will tend to support your theory.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMurphy's Laws:\n\t(1) If anything can go wrong, it will.\n\t(2) Nothing is as easy as it looks.\n\t(3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMurray's Rule:\n\tAny country with \"democratic\" in the title isn't.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMustgo, n.:\n\tAny item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so\n\tlong it has become a science project.\n\t\t-- Sniglets, \"Rich Hall & Friends\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy father taught me three things:\n\t(1) Never mix whiskey with anything but water.\n\t(2) Never try to draw to an inside straight.\n\t(3) Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNachman's Rule:\n\tWhen it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better.\n\t\t-- Gerald Nachman\n"}, {"quote": "\nnarcolepulacyi, n.:\n\tThe contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight\n\tto also yawn.\n\t\t-- \"Sniglets\", Rich Hall & Friends\n"}, {"quote": "\nnerd pack, n.:\n\tPlastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling\n\tclothes.  Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be measured\n\tby number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling\tin his pack.\n"}, {"quote": "\nneutron bomb, n.:\n\tAn explosive device of limited military value because, as\n\tit only destroys people without destroying property, it\n\tmust be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property.\n"}, {"quote": "\nnew, adj.:\n\tDifferent color from previous model.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNewlan's Truism:\n\tAn \"acceptable\" level of unemployment means that the \n\tgovernment economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNewman's Discovery:\n\tYour best dreams may not come true; fortunately, neither will\n\tyour worst dreams.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNewton's Law of Gravitation:\n\tWhat goes up must come down.  But don't expect it to come down where\n\tyou can find it.  Murphy's Law applies to Newton's.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNewton's Little-Known Seventh Law:\n\tA bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNick the Greek's Law of Life:\n\tAll things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNinety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:\n\tThe first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of\n\tthe time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.\n"}, {"quote": "\nno brainer:\n\tA decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope,\n\tis \"obvious\" to those who failed to make it originally.\n"}, {"quote": "\nno maintenance:\n\tImpossible to fix.\n"}, {"quote": "\nnolo contendere:\n\tA legal term meaning: \"I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do\n\tit again.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nnominal egg:\n\tNew Yorkerese for expensive.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNon-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:\n\tNegative expectations yield negative results.\n\tPositive expectations yield negative results.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNouvelle cuisine, n.:\n\tFrench for \"not enough food\".\n\nContinental breakfast, n.:\n\tEnglish for \"not enough food\".\n\nTapas, n.:\n\tSpanish for \"not enough food\".\n\nDim Sum, n.:\n\tChinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNovember, n.:\n\tThe eleventh twelfth of a weariness.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nNovinson's Revolutionary Discovery:\n\tWhen comes the revolution, things will be different --\n\tnot better, just different.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNowlan's Theory:\n\tHe who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from\n\tthe next freeway exit.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNusbaum's Rule:\n\tThe more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the\n\torganization.  (For instance, the Murphy Center for the\n\tCodification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted\n\tto IBM, GM, and AT&T.)\n"}, {"quote": "\nO'Brian's Law:\n\tEverything is always done for the wrong reasons.\n"}, {"quote": "\nO'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen:\n\tCleanliness is next to impossible\n"}, {"quote": "\nO'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:\n\tMurphy was an optimist.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOccam's eraser:\n\tThe philosophical principle that even the simplest\n\tsolution is bound to have something wrong with it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOffice Automation:\n\tThe use of computers to improve efficiency in the office\n\tby removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOfficial Project Stages:\n\t(1) Uncritical Acceptance\n\t(2) Wild Enthusiasm\n\t(3) Dejected Disillusionment\n\t(4) Total Confusion\n\t(5) Search for the Guilty\n\t(6) Punishment of the Innocent\n\t(7) Promotion of the Non-participants\n"}, {"quote": "\nOgden's Law:\n\tThe sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOld Japanese proverb:\n\tThere are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji,\n\tand those who climb it twice.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOld timer, n.:\n\tOne who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOliver's Law:\n\tExperience is something you don't get until just after you need it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOlmstead's Law:\n\tAfter all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.\n"}, {"quote": "\nomnibiblious, adj.:\n\tIndifferent to type of drink.  Ex: \"Oh, you can get me anything.\n\tI'm omnibiblious.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nOn ability:\n\tA dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top;\n\ta colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well.\n\t\t-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD\n"}, {"quote": "\nOn the subject of C program indentation:\n\t\"In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be\n\tindented six feet downward and covered with dirt.\"\n\t\t-- Blair P. Houghton\n"}, {"quote": "\nOn-line, adj.:\n\tThe idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOnce, adv.:\n\tEnough.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne Page Principle:\n\tA specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch\n\tpaper cannot be understood.\n\t\t-- Mark Ardis\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"One size fits all\":\n\tDoesn't fit anyone.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne-Shot Case Study, n.:\n\tThe scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which it is\n\tconcluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green.\n"}, {"quote": "\noptimist, n:\n\tA bagpiper with a beeper.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOregano, n.:\n\tThe ancient Italian art of pizza folding.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOsborn's Law:\n\tVariables won't; constants aren't.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOzman's Laws:\n\t(1)  If someone says he will do something \"without fail,\" he won't.\n\t(2)  The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make.\n\t(3)  People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.\n\t(4)  Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.\n"}, {"quote": "\npain, n.:\n\tOne thing, at least it proves that you're alive!\n"}, {"quote": "\nPainting, n.:\n\tThe art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and\n\texposing them to the critic.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\nPandora's Rule:\n\tNever open a box you didn't close.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPaprika Measure:\n\t2 dashes    ==  1smidgen\n\t2 smidgens  ==  1 pinch\n\t3 pinches   ==  1 soupcon\n\t2 soupcons  ==  2 much paprika\n"}, {"quote": "\nparanoia, n.:\n\tA healthy understanding of the way the universe works.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPardo's First Postulate:\n\tAnything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.\n\nArnold's Addendum:\n\tEverything else causes cancer in rats.\n"}, {"quote": "\nParkinson's Fifth Law:\n\tIf there is a way to delay in important decision, the good\n\tbureaucracy, public or private, will find it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nParkinson's Fourth Law:\n\tThe number of people in any working group tends to increase\n\tregardless of the amount of work to be done.\n"}, {"quote": "\nparty, n.:\n\tA gathering where you meet people who drink\n\tso much you can't even remember their names.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPascal Users:\n\tThe Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol.\n\tPlease modify your programs accordingly.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPascal Users:\n\tTo show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the\n\tdeath of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPascal:\n\tA programming language named after a man who would turn over\n\tin his grave if he knew about it.\n\t\t-- Datamation, January 15, 1984\n"}, {"quote": "\nPassword:\n"}, {"quote": "\nPatageometry, n.:\n\tThe study of those mathematical properties that are invariant\n\tunder brain transplants.\n"}, {"quote": "\npatent:\n\tA method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPaul's Law:\n\tIn America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPaul's Law:\n\tYou can't fall off the floor.\n"}, {"quote": "\npaycheck:\n\tThe weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal\n\twithholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA,\n\tmedical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance,\n\tChristmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeace, n.:\n\tIn international affairs, a period of cheating between two\n\tperiods of fighting.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nPecor's Health-Food Principle:\n\tNever eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a \"y\" in it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPedaeration, n.:\n\tThe perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the\n\tsheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.\n\t\t-- Rich Hall, \"Sniglets\"\n"}, {"quote": "\npediddel:\n\tA car with only one working headlight.\n\t\t-- \"Sniglets\", Rich Hall & Friends\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeers's Law:\n\tThe solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPenguin Trivia #46:\n\tAnimals who are not penguins can only wish they were.\n\t\t-- Chicago Reader 10/15/82\n"}, {"quote": "\npension:\n\tA federally insured chain letter.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople's Action Rules:\n\t(1) Some people who can, shouldn't.\n\t(2) Some people who should, won't.\n\t(3) Some people who shouldn't, will.\n\t(4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless.\n\t(5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others.\n"}, {"quote": "\nperfect guest:\n\tOne who makes his host feel at home.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPerformance:\n\tA statement of the speed at which a computer system works.  Or\n\trather, might work under certain circumstances.  Or was rumored\n\tto be working over in Jersey about a month ago.\n"}, {"quote": "\npessimist:\n\tA man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the\n\twolf from the door.\n\noptimist:\n\tA man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of\n\this pants.\n\nopportunist:\n\tA man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeter's Law of Substitution:\n\tLook after the molehills, and the\n\tmountains will look after themselves.\n\nPeter's Principle of Success:\n\tGet up one time more than you're knocked down.\n\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeterson's Admonition:\n\tWhen you think you're going down for the third time --\n\tjust remember that you may have counted wrong.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeterson's Rules:\n\t(1) Trucks that overturn on freeways are filled with something sticky.\n\t(2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one.\n\t(3) Things that tick are not always clocks.\n\t(4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing.\n"}, {"quote": "\npetribar:\n\tAny sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in\n\tthe window of a vending machine too long.\n\t\t-- Rich Hall, \"Sniglets\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tPhases of a Project:\n(1)\tExultation.\n(2)\tDisenchantment.\n(3)\tConfusion.\n(4)\tSearch for the Guilty.\n(5)\tPunishment for the Innocent.\n(6)\tDistinction for the Uninvolved.\n"}, {"quote": "\nphilosophy:\n\tThe ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends.\n"}, {"quote": "\nphilosophy:\n\tUnintelligible answers to insoluble problems.\n"}, {"quote": "\nphosflink:\n\tTo flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, that\n\twill bring it back to life).\n\t\t-- \"Sniglets\", Rich Hall & Friends\n"}, {"quote": "\nPickle's Law:\n\tIf Congress must do a painful thing,\n\tthe thing must be done in an odd-number year.\n"}, {"quote": "\npixel, n.:\n\tA mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays.\n\tThe computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology:\n\tWitness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial\n\tintelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPlease take note:\n"}, {"quote": "\nPohl's law:\n\tNothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.\n"}, {"quote": "\npoisoned coffee, n.:\n\tGrounds for divorce.\n"}, {"quote": "\npolitics, n.:\n\tA strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.\n\tThe conduct of public affairs for private advantage.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\nPollyanna's Educational Constant:\n\tThe hyperactive child is never absent.\n"}, {"quote": "\npolygon:\n\tDead parrot.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPoorman's Rule:\n\tWhen you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser package,\n\tyou always get hold of the closed end and try to pull it open.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPortable, adj.:\n\tSurvives system reboot.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPositive, adj.:\n\tMistaken at the top of one's voice.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\npoverty, n.:\n\tAn unfortunate state that persists as long\n\tas anyone lacks anything he would like to have.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPower, n.:\n\tThe only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.\n"}, {"quote": "\nprairies, n.:\n\tVast plains covered by treeless forests.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPrejudice:\n\tA vagrant opinion without visible means of support.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\nPreudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:\n\tIt's on the other side.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPrice's Advice:\n\tIt's all a game -- play it to have fun.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPriority:\n\tA statement of the importance of a user or a program.  Often\n\texpressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't\n\tcare when the work is completed so long as he is treated less\n\tbadly than someone else.\n"}, {"quote": "\nproblem drinker, n.:\n\tA man who never buys.\n"}, {"quote": "\nprogram, n.:\n\tA magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input\n\tinto error messages.  tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging\n\tone's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.\n"}, {"quote": "\nprogram, n.:\n\tAny task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one\n\tday.  Once a task is defined as a program (\"training program,\"\n\t\"sales program,\" or \"marketing program\"), its implementation\n\talways justifies hiring at least three more people.\n"}, {"quote": "\nProgramming Department:\n\tMistakes made while you wait.\n"}, {"quote": "\nprogress, n.:\n\tMedieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons\n\tinvading the body and taking possession of it.\n\n\tModern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria\n\tand viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction.\n"}, {"quote": "\nprototype, n.:\n\tFirst stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by\n\tpre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version,\n\tupgrade, corrected upgrade, etc.  Unlike its successors, the\n\tprototype is not expected to work.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPryor's Observation:\n\tHow long you live has nothing to do \n\twith how long you are going to be dead.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPudder's Law:\n\tAnything that begins well will end badly.\n\t(Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.)\n"}, {"quote": "\npurpitation, n.:\n\tTo take something off the grocery shelf, decide you\n\tdon't want it, and then put it in another section.\n\t\t-- \"Sniglets\", Rich Hall & Friends\n"}, {"quote": "\nPutt's Law:\n\tTechnology is dominated by two types of people:\n\t\tThose who understand what they do not manage.\n\t\tThose who manage what they do not understand.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t \"It's not the despair... I can stand the despair.  It's the hope.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"A child of 5 could understand this!  Fetch me a child of 5.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"Do you smell something burning or is it me?\"\n\t\t-- Joan of Arc\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"East is east... and let's keep it that way.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"Even the Statue of Liberty shaves her pits.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there,\n\tI go to work.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now\n\tto late to punish.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"He's on the same bus, but he's sure as hell got a different\n\tticket.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital.  On the\n\tother hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting posistion.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"I never met a man I couldn't drink handsome.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it\n\tdidn't work.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a\n\thorse with one of the horns broken off.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return\n\tit though.  Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with\n\tthe lost.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the\n\tdog for dinner.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza... I might play\n\tgolf with her, but I wouldn't marry her!\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"I'm just a boy named 'su'...\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either...\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint.  And then go on\n\tstrike.  To make less money.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back\n\tall of my stuff.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"I've just learned about his illness.  Let's hope it's nothing\n\ttrivial.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the cologne, now would I?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many\n\tstations anymore.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his\n\thands in his own pockets.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"It's been Monday all week today.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if\n\tthe ace is missing from his deck altogether.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"It's sort of a threat, you see.  I've never been very good at\n\tthem myself, but I'm told they can be very effective.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"Lack of planning on your part doesn't consitute an emergency\n\ton my part.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"Like this rose, our love will wilt and die.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"Of course it's the murder weapon.  Who would frame someone with\n\ta fake?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"Oh, no, no...  I'm not beautiful.  Just very, very pretty.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"Our parents were never our age.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"Say, you look pretty athletic.  What say we put a pair of tennis\n\tshoes on you and run you into the wall?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"She's about as smart as bait.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"Sure, I turned down a drink once.  Didn't understand the question.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its\n\tneck to get the dog to play with it.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the\n\tleft.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"Unlucky?  If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"What do you mean, you had the dog fixed?   Just what made you\n\tthink he was broken!\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding\n\twhen I mess things up.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call\n\t\"baring your neck.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"When she hauled ass, it took three trips.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"Who?  Me?  No, no, NO!!  But I do sell rugs.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them?\n\tHow...  tribal.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\t\"You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\tAll I want is a little more than I'll ever get.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\tAll I want is more than my fair share.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\tFlash!  Flash!  I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to\n\tsave the earth!\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\tHow can I miss you if you won't go away?\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\tI looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down,\n\tthen I thought 'One of us is in real trouble'.\n\t\t-- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\tI love your outfit, does it come in your size?\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\tI opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the\n\tball in their court.\n\t\t-- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs)\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\tI'm not a nerd -- I'm \"socially challenged\".\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\tI'm not bald -- I'm \"hair challenged\".\n\n\t[I thought that was \"differently haired\". Ed.]\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\tI've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\tIf it's too loud, you're too old.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\tIf you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\tLudwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical\n\tmechanics died in 1906 by his own hand.  Paul Ehrenfest, carrying\n\ton the work, died similarly in 1933.  Now it is our turn.\n\t\t-- Goodstein, States of Matter \n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\tMoney isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\tMy mother was the travel agent for guilt trips.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\tOn a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say...  oh, somewhere in there.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\tSacred cows make great hamburgers.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\tSilence is the only virtue he has left.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\tSome people have one of those days.  I've had one of those lives.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\tTalent does what it can, genius what it must.\n\tI do what I get paid to do.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\tTalk about willing people... over half of them are willing to work\n\tand the others are more than willing to watch them.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\tThe forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean\n\tthe snakes have gone away.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\tThe only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the\n\tgerbil has more dark meat.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQOTD:\n\tY'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE?\n\tWell, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK...  S'great...\n"}, {"quote": "\nQuality control, n.:\n\tAssuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand\n\tand add to the cost of its manufacture or design.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQuality Control, n.:\n\tThe process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off\n\ta production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.\n"}, {"quote": "\nquark:\n\tThe sound made by a well bred duck.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQuigley's Law:\n\tWhoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will\n\tatttempt to use it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRalph's Observation:\n\tIt is a mistake to let any mechanical object realise that you\n\tare in a hurry.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRandom, n.:\n\tAs in number, predictable.  As in memory access, unpredictable.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRay's Rule of Precision:\n\tMeasure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRe: Graphics:\n\tA picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe\n\tthe picture.  Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately\n\tdescribed with pictures.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReal Time, adj.:\n\tHere and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there and then.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReappraisal, n.:\n\tAn abrupt change of mind after being found out.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRecursion n.:\n\tSee Recursion.\n\t\t-- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary\n"}, {"quote": "\nReformed, n.:\n\tA synagogue that closes for the Jewish holidays.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRegression analysis:\n\tMathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are\n\tgetting worse.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReichel's Law:\n\tA body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by\n\tan outside force.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:\n\tIf you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReliable source, n.:\n\tThe guy you just met.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRenning's Maxim:\n\tMan is the highest animal.  Man does the classifying.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReporter, n.:\n\tA writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a\n\ttempest of words.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nReputation, adj.:\n\tWhat others are not thinking about you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nResearch, n.:\n\tConsider Columbus:\n\tHe didn't know where he was going.\n\tWhen he got there he didn't know where he was.\n\tWhen he got back he didn't know where he had been.\n\tAnd he did it all on someone else's money.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRevolution, n.:\n\tA form of government abroad.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRevolution, n.:\n\tIn politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\nrevolutionary, adj.:\n\tRepackaged.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRitchie's Rule:\n\t(1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency.\n\t(2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job.\n\t(3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRobot, n.:\n\tUniversity administrator.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRobustness, adj.:\n\tNever having to say you're sorry.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention:\n\tUnless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will\n\treject the proposal.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRudd's Discovery:\n\tYou know that any senator or congressman could go home and make\n\t$300,000 to $400,000, but they don't.  Why?  Because they can\n\tstay in Washington and make it there.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRudin's Law:\n\tIf there is a wrong way to do something, most people will\n\tdo it every time.\n\nRudin's Second Law:\n\tIn a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative\n\tcourses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible\n\tcourse.\n"}, {"quote": "\nrugged, adj.:\n\tToo heavy to lift.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRule #1:\n\tThe Boss is always right.\n\nRule #2:\n\tIf the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRule of Creative Research:\n\t(1) Never draw what you can copy.\n\t(2) Never copy what you can trace.\n\t(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRule of Defactualization:\n\tInformation deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRule of Feline Frustration:\n\tWhen your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly\n\tcontent and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the\n\tbathroom.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRule of the Great:\n\tWhen people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep\n\tthoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRules for Academic Deans:\n\t(1)  HIDE!!!!\n\t(2)  If they find you, LIE!!!!\n\t\t-- Father Damian C. Fandal\n"}, {"quote": "\nRules for driving in New York:\n\t(1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.\n\t(2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.\n\t(3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the\n\t    intersection.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRune's Rule:\n\tIf you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRyan's Law:\n\tMake three correct guesses consecutively\n\tand you will establish yourself as an expert.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSacher's Observation:\n\tSome people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSatellite Safety Tip #14:\n\tIf you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSattinger's Law:\n\tIt works better if you plug it in.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSavage's Law of Expediency:\n\tYou want it bad, you'll get it bad.\n"}, {"quote": "\nscenario, n.:\n\tAn imagined sequence of events that provides the context in\n\twhich a business decision is made.  Scenarios always come in\n\tsets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSchapiro's Explanation:\n\tThe grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's\n\tbecause they use more manure.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSchlattwhapper, n.:\n\tThe window shade that allows itself to be pulled down,\n\thesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.\n\t\t-- Rich Hall, \"Sniglets\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nSchmidt's Observation:\n\tAll things being equal, a fat person uses more soap\n\tthan a thin person.\n"}, {"quote": "\nscribline, n.:\n\tThe blank area on the back of credit cards where one's signature goes.\n\t\t-- \"Sniglets\", Rich Hall & Friends\n"}, {"quote": "\nSecond Law of Business Meetings:\n\tIf there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you\n\twill pick the wrong one.\n\nCorollary:\n\tIf there is only one way to spell a name,\n\tyou will spell it wrong, anyway.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSecond Law of Final Exams:\n\tIn your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most\n\tdistractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSecretary's Revenge:\n\tFiling almost everything under \"the\".\n"}, {"quote": "\nSeleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:\n\tIce Cream cures all ills.  Temporarily.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSelf Test for Paranoia:\n\tYou know you have it when you can't think of anything that's\n\tyour own fault.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSenate, n.:\n\tA body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\nsenility, n.:\n\tThe state of mind of elderly persons with whom one happens to disagree.\n"}, {"quote": "\nserendipity, n.:\n\tThe process by which human knowledge is advanced.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSerocki's Stricture:\n\tMarriage is always a bachelor's last option.\n"}, {"quote": "\nShannon's Observation:\n\tNothing is so frustrating as a bad situation that is beginning to\n\timprove.\n"}, {"quote": "\nshare, n.:\n\tTo give in, endure humiliation.\n"}, {"quote": "\nShaw's Principle:\n\tBuild a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will\n\twant to use it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nShedenhelm's Law:\n\tAll trails have more uphill sections than they have downhill sections.\n"}, {"quote": "\nShick's Law:\n\tThere is no problem a good miracle can't solve.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSilverman's Law:\n\tIf Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSimon's Law:\n\tEverything put together falls apart sooner or later.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSkinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):\n\tThat quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,\n\tor subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you\n\tshould have gotten.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSlous' Contention:\n\tIf you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSlurm, n.:\n\tThe slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when\n\tit sits in the dish too long.\n\t\t-- Rich Hall, \"Sniglets\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nSnacktrek, n.:\n\tThe peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly\n\treturning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have\n\tmaterialized.\n\t\t-- Rich Hall, \"Sniglets\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nsnappy repartee:\n\tWhat you'd say if you had another chance.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSodd's Second Law:\n\tSooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is\n\tbound to occur.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSoftware, n.:\n\tFormal evening attire for female computer analysts.\n"}, {"quote": "\nspagmumps, n.:\n\tAny of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items.\n\t\t-- \"Sniglets\", Rich Hall & Friends\n"}, {"quote": "\nSpeer's 1st Law of Proofreading:\n\tThe visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the\n\tnumber of times you have looked at it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSpence's Admonition:\n\tNever stow away on a kamikaze plane.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSpirtle, n.:\n\tThe fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in your eye.\n\t\t-- Sniglets, \"Rich Hall & Friends\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nSpouse, n.:\n\tSomeone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you\n\twouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.\n"}, {"quote": "\nsquatcho, n.:\n\tThe button at the top of a baseball cap.\n\t\t-- \"Sniglets\", Rich Hall & Friends\n"}, {"quote": "\nstandards, n.:\n\tThe principles we use to reject other people's code.\n"}, {"quote": "\nstatistics, n.:\n\tA system for expressing your political prejudices in convincing\n\tscientific guise.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSteckel's Rule to Success:\n\tGood enough is never good enough.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSteele's Law:\n\tThere exist tasks which cannot be done by more than ten men\n\tor fewer than one hundred.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSteele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:\n\tEverybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have\n\tanother drink.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSteinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:\n\tNever test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.\n"}, {"quote": "\nStenderup's Law:\n\tThe sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.\n"}, {"quote": "\nStock's Observation:\n\tYou no sooner get your head above water but what someone pulls\n\tyour flippers off.\n"}, {"quote": "\nStone's Law:\n\tOne man's \"simple\" is another man's \"huh?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nstrategy, n.:\n\tA comprehensive plan of inaction.\n"}, {"quote": "\nStrategy:\n\tA long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime\n\tafter those creating it have left the organization.\n"}, {"quote": "\nStult's Report:\n\tOur problems are mostly behind us.  What we have to do now is\n\tfight the solutions.\n"}, {"quote": "\nStupid, n.:\n\tLosing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSturgeon's Law:\n\t90"}, {"quote": " of everything is crud.\n"}, {"quote": "\nsugar daddy, n.:\n\tA man who can afford to raise cain.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSUN Microsystems:\n\tThe Network IS the Load Average.\n"}, {"quote": "\nsunset, n.:\n\tPronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths,\n\tresulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with\n\tprogressively reducing solar elevation.\n"}, {"quote": "\nsushi, n.:\n\tWhen that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and\n\tstrapped on with electrical tape.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSushido, n.:\n\tThe way of the tuna.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSwahili, n.:\n\tThe language used by the National Enquirer to print their retractions.\n\t\t-- Johnny Hart\n"}, {"quote": "\nSweater, n.:\n\tA garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSwipple's Rule of Order:\n\tHe who shouts the loudest has the floor.\n"}, {"quote": "\nsystem-independent, adj.:\n\tWorks equally poorly on all systems.\n"}, {"quote": "\nT-shirt of the Day:\n\tHead for the Mountains\n\t\t-- courtesy Anheuser-Busch beer\n\nFollowup T-shirt of the Day (on the same scenic background):\n\tIf you liked the mountains, head for the Busch!\n\t\t-- courtesy someone else\n"}, {"quote": "\nT-shirt Of The Day:\n\tI'm the person your mother warned you about.\n"}, {"quote": "\nT-shirt:\n\tLife is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum!\n"}, {"quote": "\nTact, n.:\n\tThe unsaid part of what you're thinking.\n"}, {"quote": "\ntake forceful action:\n\tDo something that should have been done a long time ago.\n"}, {"quote": "\ntax office, n.:\n\tDen of inequity.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTaxes, n.:\n\tOf life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get\n\tan extension.\n"}, {"quote": "\ntaxidermist, n.:\n\tA man who mounts animals.\n"}, {"quote": "\nteamwork, n.:\n\tHaving someone to blame.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTelephone, n.:\n\tAn invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages\n\tof making a disagreeable person keep his distance.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\ntelepression, n.:\n\tThe deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try\n\thard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the\n\tburden on the directory assistant.\n\t\t-- \"Sniglets\", Rich Hall & Friends\n"}, {"quote": "\nTeutonic:\n\tNot enough gin.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe 357.73 Theory:\n\tAuditors always reject expense accounts\n\twith a bottom line divisible by 5.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Abrams' Principle:\n\tThe shortest distance between two points is off the wall.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter:\n\tI don't mind... and you don't matter.\n\t\t-- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Beatles:\n\tPaul McCartney's old back-up band.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Briggs-Chase Law of Program Development:\n\tTo determine how long it will take to write and debug a\n\tprogram, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add\n\tone, and convert to the next higher units.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Consultant's Curse:\n\tWhen the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him\n\twhat he asks for, instead of what he needs.  This is very strong\n\tmedicine, and is normally only required once.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Fifth Rule:\n\tYou have taken yourself too seriously.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe First Rule of Program Optimization:\n\tDon't do it.\n\nThe Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):\n\tDon't do it yet.\n\t\t-- Michael Jackson\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe five rules of Socialism:\n\t(1) Don't think.\n\t(2) If you do think, don't speak.\n\t(3) If you think and speak, don't write.\n\t(4) If you think, speak and write, don't sign.\n\t(5) If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised.\n\t\t-- being told in Poland, 1987\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws:\n\t(1) You can't push on a string.\n\t(2) Ain't no free lunches.\n\t(3) Them as has, gets.\n\t(4) You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences:\n\tHe who has the gold makes the rules.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Gordian Maxim:\n\tIf a string has one end, it has another.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Heineken Uncertainty Principle:\n\tYou can never be sure how many beers you had last night.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Illiterati Programus Canto 1:\n\tA program is a lot like a nose: Sometimes it runs, and\n\tsometimes it blows.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Kennedy Constant:\n\tDon't get mad -- get even.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Law of the Letter:\n\tThe best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Marines:\n\tThe few, the proud, the dead on the beach.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Marines:\n\tThe few, the proud, the not very bright.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe most dangerous organization in America today is:\n\t(a) The KKK\n\t(b) The American Nazi Party\n\t(c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Official MBA Handbook on business cards:\n\tAvoid overly pretentious job titles such as \"Lord of the Realm,\n\tDefender of the Faith, Emperor of India\" or \"Director of Corporate\n\tPlanning.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Phone Booth Rule:\n\tA lone dime always gets the number nearly right.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's:\n\t\"My brain is paged out to my liver.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe real man's Bloody Mary:\n\tIngredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tobasco, Worcestershire \n\tsauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery.\n\n\tFill a large tumbler with vodka.\n\tThrow all the other ingredients away.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Roman Rule:\n\tThe one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the\n\tone who is doing it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Second Law of Thermodynamics:\n\tIf you think things are in a mess now, just wait!\n\t\t-- Jim Warner\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Seventh Commandments for Technicians:\n\tWork thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy fellow\n\tworkers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in other\n\tways.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Sixth Commandment of Frisbee:\n\tThe greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going in a\n\tdirection you did not want.   (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long way.)\n\t\t-- Dan Roddick\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Third Law of Photography:\n\tIf you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined\n\twhen someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of\n\tthe dark leaks out.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe three biggest software lies:\n\t(1) *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source.\n\t(2) *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from\n\t    will fix the microcode.\n\t(3) Beta test site?  No, *of course* you're not a beta test site.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe three laws of thermodynamics:\n\t(1) You can't get anything without working for it.\n\t(2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.\n\t(3) You can only break even at absolute zero.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTheorem: a cat has nine tails.\nProof:\n\tNo cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat.\n\tTherefore, a cat has nine tails.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTheory of Selective Supervision:\n\tThe one time in the day that you lean back and relax is\n\tthe one time the boss walks through the office.\n"}, {"quote": "\ntheory, n.:\n\tSystem of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to\n\toriginality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good\n\tit will look in print.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are three ways to get something done:\n\t(1) Do it yourself.\n\t(2) Hire someone to do it for you.\n\t(3) Forbid your kids to do it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThose lovable Brits department:\n\tThey also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThree rules for sounding like an expert:\n\t(1) Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness.\n\t(2) Always point out second-order effects, but never point out\n\t    when they can be ignored.\n\t(3) Come up with three rules of your own.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThyme's Law:\n\tEverything goes wrong at once.\n"}, {"quote": "\ntimesharing, n:\n\tAn access method whereby one computer abuses many people.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTip of the Day:\n\tNever fry bacon in the nude.\n\n\t[Correction: always fry bacon in the nude; you'll learn not to burn it]\n"}, {"quote": "\ntoday, n.:\n\tA nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long.\n"}, {"quote": "\ntoilet toup'\bee, n.:\n\tAny shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus\n\tcreating endless annoyance to male users.\n\t\t-- Rich Hall, \"Sniglets\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nToni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life:\n\tIf you have to lie to someone, it's their fault.\n"}, {"quote": "\ntransfer, n.:\n\tA promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town.\n"}, {"quote": "\ntransparent, adj.:\n\tBeing or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object.\n\t\"It's there, but you can't see it\"\n\t\t-- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964.\n\nvirtual, adj.:\n\tBeing or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object.\n\t\"I can see it, but it's not there.\"\n\t\t-- Lady Macbeth.\n"}, {"quote": "\ntravel, n.:\n\tSomething that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Trust me\":\n\tTranslation of the Latin \"caveat emptor.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nTruthful, adj.:\n\tDumb and illiterate.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nTsort's Constant:\n\t1.67563, or precisely 1,237.98712567 times the difference between\nthe distance to the sun and the weight of a small orange.\n\t\t-- Terry Pratchett, \"The Light Fantastic\" (slightly modified)\n"}, {"quote": "\nTurnaucka's Law:\n\tThe attention span of a computer is only as long as its\n\telectrical cord.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTussman's Law:\n\tNothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.\n"}, {"quote": "\nUdall's Fourth Law:\n\tAny change or reform you make is going to have consequences you\n\tdon't like.\n"}, {"quote": "\nUncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:\n\tNever use your thumb for a rule.\n\tYou'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nUnderlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:\n\tSuperiority is recessive.\n"}, {"quote": "\nunderstand, v.:\n\tTo reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which\n\tyou cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the\n\tbasis of your own internal model instead.\n"}, {"quote": "\nUnfair animal names:\n\n-- tsetse fly\t\t\t-- bullhead\n-- booby\t\t\t-- duck-billed platypus\n-- sapsucker\t\t\t-- Clarence\n\t\t-- Gary Larson\n"}, {"quote": "\nunfair competition, n.:\n\tSelling cheaper than we do.\n"}, {"quote": "\nunion, n.:\n\tA dues-paying club workers wield to strike management.\n"}, {"quote": "\nUniverse, n.:\n\tThe problem.\n"}, {"quote": "\nUniversity, n.:\n\tLike a software house, except the software's free, and it's usable,\n\tand it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to fix\n\tit, and ...\n\n\t[Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying\n\t the credibility of the entire fortune program.  Ed.]\n"}, {"quote": "\nUnnamed Law:\n\tIf it happens, it must be possible.\n"}, {"quote": "\nuntold wealth, n.:\n\tWhat you left out on April 15th.\n"}, {"quote": "\nUser n.:\n\tA programmer who will believe anything you tell him.\n"}, {"quote": "\nuser, n.:\n\tThe word computer professionals use when they mean \"idiot.\"\n\t\t-- Dave Barry, \"Claw Your Way to the Top\"\n\n[I always thought \"computer professional\" was the phrase hackers used\n when they meant \"idiot.\"  Ed.]\n"}, {"quote": "\nvacation, n.:\n\tA two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that\n\tit takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday\n\tlife-style to recuperate.\n"}, {"quote": "\nVail's Second Axiom:\n\tThe amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the\n\tamount of work already completed.\n"}, {"quote": "\nVan Roy's Law:\n\tAn unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.\n"}, {"quote": "\nVan Roy's Law:\n\tHonesty is the best policy - there's less competition.\n\nVan Roy's Truism:\n\tLife is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.\n"}, {"quote": "\nVelilind's Laws of Experimentation:\n\t(1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.\n\t(2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.\n"}, {"quote": "\nVMS, n.:\n\tThe world's foremost multi-user adventure game.\n"}, {"quote": "\nvolcano, n.:\n\tA mountain with hiccups.\n"}, {"quote": "\nVolley Theory:\n\tIt is better to have lobbed and lost than never to have lobbed at all.\n"}, {"quote": "\nvuja de:\n\tThe feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWalters' Rule:\n\tAll airline flights depart from the gates most distant from\n\tthe center of the terminal.  Nobody ever had a reservation\n\ton a plane that left Gate 1.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWatson's Law:\n\tThe reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the\n\tnumber and significance of any persons watching it.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"We'll look into it\":\n\tBy the time the wheels make a full turn, we\n\tassume you will have forgotten about it, too.\n"}, {"quote": "\nwe:\n\tThe single most important word in the world.\n"}, {"quote": "\nweapon, n.:\n\tAn index of the lack of development of a culture.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWedding, n:\n\tA ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes\n\tto become nothing and nothing undertakes to become supportable.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\nWeed's Axiom:\n\tNever ask two questions in a business letter.\n\tThe reply will discuss the one in which you are\n\tleast interested and say nothing about the other.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWeiler's Law:\n\tNothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWeinberg's First Law:\n\tProgress is only made on alternate Fridays.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWeinberg's Principle:\n\tAn expert is a person who avoids the small errors while\n\tsweeping on to the grand fallacy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWeinberg's Second Law:\n\tIf builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,\n\tthen the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWeiner's Law of Libraries:\n\tThere are no answers, only cross references.\n"}, {"quote": "\nwell-adjusted, adj.:\n\tThe ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWestheimer's Discovery:\n\tA couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a\n\tcouple of hours in the library.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen asked the definition of \"pi\":\nThe Mathematician:\n\tPi is the number expressing the relationship between the\n\tcircumference of a circle and its diameter.\nThe Physicist:\n\tPi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005.\nThe Engineer:\n\tPi is about 3.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhistler's Law:\n\tYou never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhite's Statement:\n\tDon't lose heart!\n\nOwen's Commentary on White's Statement:\n\t...they might want to cut it out...\n\nByrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary:\n\t...and they want to avoid a lengthy search.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhitehead's Law:\n\tThe obvious answer is always overlooked.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWiker's Law:\n\tGovernment expands to absorb revenue and then some.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWilcox's Law:\n\tA pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWilliams and Holland's Law:\n\tIf enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical\n\tmethods.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWilner's Observation:\n\tAll conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWit, n.:\n\tThe salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery\n\t... by leaving it out.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nwok, n.:\n\tSomething to thwow at a wabbit.\n"}, {"quote": "\nwolf, n.:\n\tA man who knows all the ankles.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWoodward's Law:\n\tA theory is better than its explanation.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWoolsey-Swanson Rule:\n\tPeople would rather live with a problem they cannot\n\tsolve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand.\n"}, {"quote": "\nwork, n.:\n\tThe blessed respite from screaming kids and\n\tsoap operas for which you actually get paid.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWorst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:\n\tAugust.  The lift lines are the shortest, though.\n\t\t-- Steve Rubenstein\n"}, {"quote": "\nWorst Month of the Year:\n\tFebruary.  February has only 28 days in it, which means that if\n\tyou rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you\n\tdon't get.  Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.\n\t\t-- Steve Rubenstein\n"}, {"quote": "\nWorst Response To A Crisis, 1985:\n\tFrom a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: \"If we get involved\n\tin a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs\n\tdamage my videotapes?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWorst Vegetable of the Year:\n\tThe brussels sprout.  This is also the worst vegetable of next year.\n\t\t-- Steve Rubenstein\n"}, {"quote": "\nwrite-protect tab, n.:\n\tA small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left\n\tby disk manufacturers.  The use of the tab creates an error message\n\tonce in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary\n\tinconvenience.\n\t\t-- Robb Russon\n"}, {"quote": "\nWYSIWYG:\n\tWhat You See Is What You Get.\n"}, {"quote": "\nXIIdigitation, n.:\n\tThe practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made\n\tby deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits.\n\t\t-- Rich Hall, \"Sniglets\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nYear, n.:\n\tA period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nYinkel, n.:\n\tA person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one\n\twill notice.\n\t\t-- Rich Hall, \"Sniglets\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nyo-yo, n.:\n\tSomething that is occasionally up but normally down.\n\t(see also Computer).\n"}, {"quote": "\nZall's Laws:\n\t(1) Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do\n\t   will be wrong.\n\t(2) How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom\n\t   door you're on.\n"}, {"quote": "\nzeal, n.:\n\tQuality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick.\n"}, {"quote": "\nZero Defects, n.:\n\tThe result of shutting down a production line.\n"}, {"quote": "\nZymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:\n\tPeople are always available for work in the past tense.\n"}, {"quote": "\n1/2 oz. gin\n1/2 oz. vodka\n1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark)\n3/4 oz. tequilla\n1/2 oz. triple sec\n1/2 oz. orange juice\n3/4 oz. sour mix\n1/2 oz. cola\nshake with ice and strain into frosted glass.\n\t\tLong Island Iced Tea\n"}, {"quote": "\n6 oz. orange juice\n1 oz. vodka\n1/2 oz. Galliano\n\t\tHarvey Wallbangers\n"}, {"quote": "\nA beer delayed is a beer denied.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good.\n\n\t\t[something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack?  Ed.]\n"}, {"quote": "\nA prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to drink with\n-- even if he drank.\n\t\t-- H.L. Mencken\n"}, {"quote": "\nAbsinthe makes the tart grow fonder.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.\n\t\t-- George Bernard Shaw\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions. The surest\npoison is time.\n\t\t-- Emerson, \"Society and Solitude\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlcoholics Anonymous is when you get to drink under someone else's name.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlways store beer in a dark place.\n\t\t-- Lazarus Long\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.\n\t\t-- Dylan Thomas\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnd you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel,\nbecause the bars close every time you're thirsty...\n"}, {"quote": "\n... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.\n\t\t-- J. B. White\n"}, {"quote": "\nBe wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.\n\t\t-- Lazarus Long, \"Time Enough for Love\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nBecause the wine remembers.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeggar to well-dressed businessman:\n\t\"Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nBooze is the answer.  I don't remember the question.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBrandy-and-water spoils two good things.\n\t\t-- Charles Lamb\n"}, {"quote": "\nBut, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch!\n"}, {"quote": "\nCerebus:\tI'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.\nJaka:\t\tLook, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something\nCerebus:\tIf Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy out of it?\nJaka:\t\tUgh!\nCerebus:\tYou don't like apricot brandy?\n\t\t-- Cerebus #6, \"The Secret\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nClaret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who aspires to be a hero\n... must drink brandy.\n\t\t-- Samuel Johnson\n"}, {"quote": "\nCome quickly, I am tasting stars!\n\t\t-- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCome, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,\nTonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.\n\t\t-- John Fletcher, \"The Bloody Brother\", II, 2\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't smoke the next cigarette.  Repeat.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDrink Canada Dry!  You might not succeed, but it *__\b\bis* fun trying.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDrinking coffee for instant relaxation?  That's like drinking alcohol for\ninstant motor skills.\n\t\t-- Marc Price\n"}, {"quote": "\nDrinking is not a spectator sport.\n\t\t-- Jim Brosnan\n"}, {"quote": "\nDrinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin\nwith, that it's compounding a felony.\n\t\t-- Robert Benchley\n"}, {"quote": "\nDrunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a\nlot a poker.\n\t\t-- Karyl Roosevelt\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvery morning is a Smirnoff morning.\n"}, {"quote": "\nExcellent day for drinking heavily.  Spike the office water cooler.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.\n\t\t-- Jimmy Cannon\n"}, {"quote": "\nFortune finishes the great quotations, #17\n\n\t\"This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,\n\tMay prove a beauteous flower when next we meet.\"\n\tJuliet, this bud's for you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHalley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHarry's bar has a new cocktail.  It's called MRS punch.  They make it with\nmilk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful.  The milk is for vitality and the \nsugar is for pep.  They put in the rum so that people will know what to do\nwith all that pep and vitality.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHaving a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHaving wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly\nrelieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with\nthe traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar.\n\t\"At last,\" cried Sam, \"man's best friend -- and a great big dog, too!\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe knew the tavernes well in every toun.\n\t\t-- Geoffrey Chaucer\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Hey!  Who took the cork off my lunch??!\"\n\t\t-- W. C. Fields\n"}, {"quote": "\nI can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.\n\t\t-- Phil Harris\n"}, {"quote": "\nI distrust a man who says when.  If he's got to be careful not to drink\ntoo much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.\n\t\t-- Sidney Greenstreet, \"The Maltese Falcon\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good.\n\t\t-- K. Coates\n"}, {"quote": "\nI drink to make other people interesting.\n\t\t-- George Jean Nathan\n"}, {"quote": "\nI gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex.  It was the most *__________\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\bhorrifying* 20\nminutes of my life!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row.  I do believe that is a record.\n\t\t-- Dylan Thomas, his last words\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink.\n\t\t-- Richard Burton\n"}, {"quote": "\nI kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day.\nI haven't had time for tobacco since.\n\t\t-- Arturo Toscanini\n"}, {"quote": "\nI may not be able to walk, but I drive from a sitting position.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.\n\t\t-- Alexander Woolcott\n"}, {"quote": "\nI never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers; what I said was all\nsaloonkeepers were Democrats.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad\nthought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI used to have a drinking problem.  Now I love the stuff.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI will not drink!\nBut if I do...\nI will not get drunk!\nBut if I do...\nI will not in public!\nBut if I do...\nI will not fall down!\nBut if I do...\nI will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI wish you were a Scotch on the rocks.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.\n\t\t-- Fred Allen\n\n[Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson.  Ed.]\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol\nthat some thinkle peep I am.\nIt's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember,\nwhen they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI've always made it a solemn practice to never drink anything stronger\nthan tequila before breakfast.\n\t\t-- R. Nesson\n"}, {"quote": "\nI've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.\n\t\t-- George Gobel\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks, I would send a barrel or\nso to my other generals.\n\t\t-- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off.\n\t\t-- Edward E. Hippensteel\n\n[What brand of ink?  Ed.]\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you don't drink it, someone else will.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you drink, don't park.  Accidents make people.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn a bottle, the neck is always at the top.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is\nplaced in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's taste and in a sports car\nit's impossible.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn vino veritas.\n\t[In wine there is truth.]\n\t\t-- Pliny\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends\nand getting people under the influence.\n\t\t-- Jeremy Tunstall\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back and party!\n\t\t-- Dennis Quaid, \"Inner Space\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's gonna be alright,\nIt's almost midnight,\nAnd I've got two more bottles of wine.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer... boy gets\nanother beer.\n\t\t-- Cheers\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're\nmadly in love, drunk, or running for office.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKeep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKiss a non-smoker; taste the difference.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what\ndisguise she would recommend for him.  She replied, \"Why don't you come\nsober, Mr. Prime Minister?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nLet the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way\nthey can. I'm sick of the job.  It's a thankless one and full of grief.\n\t\t-- Al Capone\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife, like beer, is merely borrowed.\n\t\t-- Don Reed\n"}, {"quote": "\nLook at it this way: Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought\nhome \"Cuddles\", so you're going out to buy a canned ham.  And you're still\ndrinking ordinary scotch?\n"}, {"quote": "\nLook at it this way: Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to\nforget $26,000 of college education. And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Mind if I smoke?\"\n\t\"I don't care if you burst into flames and die!\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Mind if I smoke?\"\n\t\"Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy mother drinks to forget she drinks.\n\t\t-- Crazy Jimmy\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago.\n\t\t-- George Gobel\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo, I don't have a drinking problem.\n\nI drink, I get drunk, I fall down.\n\nNo problem!\n"}, {"quote": "\nNot all men who drink are poets.  Some of us drink because we aren't poets.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNot drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't make you live longer --\nit just seems that way.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNOTICE:\n\tAnyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will\n\tbe summarily put out.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNow is the time for drinking; now the time to beat the earth with\nunfettered foot.\n\t\t-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)\n"}, {"quote": "\nOf course power tools and alcohol don't mix.  Everyone knows power\ntools aren't soluble in alcohol...\n\t\t-- Crazy Nigel\n"}, {"quote": "\nOld Grandad is dead but his spirits live on.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOnce ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were\nforced to live on nothing but food and water for days.\n\t\t-- W. C. Fields, \"My Little Chickadee\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet\nwhen well oiled.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOnly Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups --\nalcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.\n\t\t-- Alex Levine\n"}, {"quote": "\nPLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE!\n\nPenalty: An early, lingering death from cancer,\n\t emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPreserve Wildlife!  Throw a party today!\n"}, {"quote": "\nRiffle West Virginia is so small that the Boy Scout had to double as the\ntown drunk.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRomance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to\nbecome necessary.\n\t\t-- Edgar Friedenberg\n"}, {"quote": "\nSaid the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: \"I got\nstarted one night when George came home and found one burning in the ashtray.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nShow respect for age.  Drink good Scotch for a change.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.\n\t\t-- W.C. Fields\n"}, {"quote": "\nSmoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.\n\t\t-- Fletcher Knebel\n"}, {"quote": "\nSmoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult.\n\t\t-- Fran Lebowitz\n"}, {"quote": "\nSmoking Prohibited.  Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSo, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as\nlarge as it needs to be?\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome people have no respect for age unless it's bottled.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm the\nonly ashtray.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTake me drunk, I'm home again!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.\n\t\t-- Maurice Baring\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to\nsmoke is a right worth dying for.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-destruction.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will\nwalk carefully.\n\t\t-- Russian Proverb\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart.\n\t\t-- W.C. Fields\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning wanting to\nchange your name and start a new life in different city.\n\t\t-- Vance Bourjaily, \"Esquire\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe search for the perfect martini is a fraud.  The perfect martini is\na belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings\nof civilization.\n\t\t-- T.K.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer\nthem a drink.\n\t\t-- Fran Lebowitz, \"Interview\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes\nthe worst cigars.\n\t\t-- H. L. Mencken\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe water was not fit to drink.  To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey.\nBy diligent effort, I learned to like it.\n\t\t-- Winston Churchill\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The whole world is about three drinks behind.\"\n\t\t-- Humphrey Bogart\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and\nnot the dog, is man's best friend.  Rover is taking a beating -- and he should.\n\t\t-- W.C. Fields\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are more old drunkards than old doctors.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are only two kinds of tequila.  Good and better.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are two problems with a major hangover.  You feel\nlike you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men\nof over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl.  But give me the rambling\nrover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and\ntogether we'll face the world.\n\t\t-- Andy Stewart, \"After the Hush\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when\nthe boss asks for a lift home from the office.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThese days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they\nused to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThey took some of the Van Goghs, most of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura\nbitters.  Shake.\n\t\t-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail.\n"}, {"quote": "\nToo ripped.  Gotta go.\n"}, {"quote": "\nToothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTwo friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his \nbarstool and lay motionless on the floor.\n\t\"One thing about Jim,\" the other said to the bartender, \"he sure\nknows when to stop.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nVermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic.\n\t\t-- E.F. Benson\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do.\n\t\t-- Walter Summers\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?\n\t\t-- J.D. Farley\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance\nthe spark 20 degrees, cry \"God Save the Queen!\", and pull the starter knob.\n\t\t-- MG \"Series MGA\" Workshop Manual\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year.  I\nhave found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with\nslightly over half that quantity of beer.\n\t\t-- Dave Barry, \"Postpetroleum Guzzler\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve\nit on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.\n\t\t-- Al Capone\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen the cup is full, carry it level.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tWhile riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman\ninquired of Oscar Wilde, \"You don't mind if I smoke, do you?\"\n\tWilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, \"I don't mind if\nyou burn, madam.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWho needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a\nfresh one for a quarter of the price?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWoman on Street:\tSir, you are drunk; very, very drunk.\nWinston Churchill:\tMadame, you are ugly; very, very ugly.\n\t\t\tI shall be sober in the morning.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWonderful day.  Your hangover just makes it seem terrible.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWork is the curse of the drinking classes.\n\t\t-- Mike Romanoff\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can't fall off the floor.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.\n\t\t-- Dean Martin\n"}, {"quote": "\nA definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine.\n\t\t-- Bill Cain, \"Stand Up Tragedy\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nA fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and\nart into pedantry.  Hence University education.\n\t\t-- G. B. Shaw\n"}, {"quote": "\nA good question is never answered.  It is not a bolt to be tightened\ninto place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the\nhope of greening the landscape of idea.\n\t\t-- John Ciardi\n"}, {"quote": "\nA grammarian's life is always in tense.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA great many people think they are thinking when they are merely\nrearranging their prejudices.\n\t\t-- William James\n"}, {"quote": "\nA Parable of Modern Research:\n\n\tBob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one\nbrightly lit corner.\n\t\"Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!\"\n\t\"I can only see here.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nA pencil with no point needs no eraser.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first\nthought of.\n\t\t-- Burt Bacharach\n"}, {"quote": "\nA tautology is a thing which is tautological.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest\nin students.\n\t\t-- John Ciardi\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"A University without students is like an ointment without a fly.\"\n\t-- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin\n"}, {"quote": "\nAbout all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAbstract:\n\tThis study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group\nof 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar\nand tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects.  Of the white-collar\nmen measured, 67"}, {"quote": "\nAcademic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,\nbecause the stakes are so low.\n\t\t-- Wallace Sayre\n"}, {"quote": "\nAcademicians care, that's who.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.\n\t\t-- Benjamin Franklin\n"}, {"quote": "\nAny two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.\n\t\t-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAs Gen. de Gaulle occassionally acknowledges America to be the daughter\nof Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.\n\t\t-- J.F. Kennedy\n"}, {"quote": "\nAs long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?\n"}, {"quote": "\nBritish education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive\nit.  If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.\n\t\t-- Peter Ustinov\n"}, {"quote": "\nCampus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two points.\n\t\t-- M. M. Johnston\n"}, {"quote": "\nComparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness\nof a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule.\"\n\t\t-- David Guaspari\n"}, {"quote": "\nDear Freshman,\n\tYou don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but\nunknown to you we have something in common.  We are both rather\nprone to mistakes.  I was elected Student Government President by\nmistake, and you came to school here by mistake.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDepartment chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDid you know the University of Iowa closed down after someone stole the book?\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo you know the difference between education and experience?  Education\nis what you get when you read the fine print; experience is what you get\nwhen you don't.\n\t\t-- Pete Seeger\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?\n"}, {"quote": "\nEducation and religion are two things not regulated by supply and\ndemand.  The less of either the people have, the less they want.\n\t\t-- Charlotte Observer, 1897\n"}, {"quote": "\nEducation is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to\ntime that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde, \"The Critic as Artist\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nEducation is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.\n\t\t-- Daniel J. Boorstin\n"}, {"quote": "\nEducation is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.\n\t\t-- Irwin Edman\n"}, {"quote": "\nEducation is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.\n\t\t-- B.F. Skinner\n"}, {"quote": "\nEducational television should be absolutely forbidden.  It can only lead\nto unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters\nof the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with\nroyal-blue chickens.\n\t\t-- Fran Lebowitz, \"Social Studies\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nEloquence is logic on fire.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEncyclopedia for sale by father.  Son knows everything.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEngineering:    \"How will this work?\"\nScience:        \"Why will this work?\"\nManagement:     \"When will this work?\"\nLiberal Arts:   \"Do you want fries with that?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nEven if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak\nit to?\n\t\t-- Clarence Darrow\n"}, {"quote": "\nEverywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers.  My\nopinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.  There's many a bestseller\nthat could have been prevented by a good teacher.\n\t\t-- Flannery O'Connor\n"}, {"quote": "\nExaminations are formidable even to the best prepared, for\neven the greatest fool may ask more the the wisest man can answer.\n\t\t-- C.C. Colton\n"}, {"quote": "\nExperience is the worst teacher.  It always gives the test first and\nthe instruction afterward.\n"}, {"quote": "\nF u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!\n"}, {"quote": "\nf u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.\n"}, {"quote": "\nf u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.\n"}, {"quote": "\nf u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue\ningeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature.\nThis is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.\n\t\t-- Robert Parker, quoted in \"Murder Ink\",  ed. D. Wynn\n"}, {"quote": "\nGoing to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school\nmake a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGood day to avoid cops.  Crawl to school.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGood teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.\n\t\t-- Gail Godwin\n"}, {"quote": "\nGraduate life: It's not just a job.  It's an indenture.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGraduate students and most professors are no smarter than undergrads.\nThey're just older.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe that teaches himself has a fool for a master.\n\t\t-- Benjamin Franklin\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"He was a modest, good-humored boy.  It was Oxford that made him insufferable.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion\non the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general\neducation and culture.\n\t\t-- Julia Norton McCorkle\n"}, {"quote": "\n[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had\na complete set.\n\t\t-- Ring Lardner\n"}, {"quote": "\nHigher education helps your earning capacity.  Ask any college professor.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHistory books which contain no lies are extremely dull.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHistory is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles,\ncluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.\n\t\t-- Leo Tolstoy\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow do you explain school to a higher intelligence?\n\t\t-- Elliot, \"E.T.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI am a bookaholic.  If you are a decent person, you will not sell me\nanother book.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it.\"\n\t\t-- English Professor\n"}, {"quote": "\nI am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone\nhas printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.\n\t\t-- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University\n"}, {"quote": "\nI appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the\nsentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are\nloitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.\n\t\t-- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy,\n\t\t   University of Tennessee at Knoxville\n"}, {"quote": "\nI came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew.\nAll I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself.\n\t\t-- Firesign Theatre\n"}, {"quote": "\nI came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to\nmake it shorter.\n\t\t-- Blaise Pascal\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ...\"\n\t\t-- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435\n"}, {"quote": "\nI heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very interesting:\na man who takes more words than are necessary to tell more than he knows.\n\t\t-- Dwight D. Eisenhower\n"}, {"quote": "\nI respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.\n\t\t-- Wilson Mizner\n"}, {"quote": "\nI think your opinions are reasonable, except for the one about my mental\ninstability.\n\t\t-- Psychology Professor, Farifield University\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it (your paper)\npresently occupies the bottom of my bird cage.\"\n\t\t-- English Professor, Providence College\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, let him become president\nof Harvard.\n\t\t-- Edward Holyoke\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf he had only learnt a little less, how infinitely better he might have\ntaught much more!\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf little else, the brain is an educational toy.\n\t\t-- Tom Robbins\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder.\n\t\t-- Pope John Paul I\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?\n\t\t-- Lily Tomlin\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.\n\t\t-- Wittgenstein\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel\nin a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary\nqualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.\n\t\t-- Marguerite Emmons\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you are too busy to read, then you are too busy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you can't read this, blame a teacher.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire\ndeeper insights into what you believe?  The things most worth reading\nare precisely those that challenge our convictions.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you think education is expensive, try ignorance.\n\t\t-- Derek Bok, president of Harvard\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them end to\nend, they'd be a lot more comfortable.\n\t\t-- \"Graffiti in the Big Ten\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything.\"\n\t\t-- A. L.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIgnorance is never out of style.  It was in fashion yesterday, it is the\nrage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.\n\t\t-- Franklin K. Dane\n"}, {"quote": "\nIgnorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIgnorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people\nso resolutely pursuing it. \n"}, {"quote": "\nIlliterate?  Write today, for free help!\n"}, {"quote": "\nIowa State -- the high school after high school!\n\t\t-- Crow T. Robot\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt has been said [by Anatole France], \"it is not by amusing oneself\nthat one learns,\" and, in reply: \"it is *____\b\b\b\bonly* by amusing oneself that\none can learn.\"\n\t\t-- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it\nis.  If you don't, it's its.  Then too, it's hers.  It isn't her's.  It\nisn't our's either.  It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.\n\t\t-- Oxford University Press, Edpress News\n"}, {"quote": "\nJoe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee.\n\t\t-- Snoopy\n"}, {"quote": "\nLearned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLearning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLearning without thought is labor lost;\nthought without learning is perilous.\n\t\t-- Confucius\n"}, {"quote": "\nMaybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that lots of folks who ain't\nusing ain't ain't eatin' well.\n\t\t-- Will Rogers\n"}, {"quote": "\nMost seminars have a happy ending.  Everyone's glad when they're over.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy father, a good man, told me, \"Never lose your ignorance; you cannot\nreplace it.\"\n\t\t-- Erich Maria Remarque\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever have so many understood so little about so much.\n\t\t-- James Burke\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever let your schooling interfere with your education.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon lectures which are\nreally worth the attending.\n\t\t-- Adam Smith, \"The Wealth of Nations\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo matter who you are, some scholar can show you the great idea you had\nwas had by someone before you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo wonder you're tired!  You understood so much today.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNormally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other reason\nthan self-protection.  We never recommend any of our graduates, although we\ncheerfully provide information as to those who have failed their courses.\n\t\t-- Jack Vance, \"Freitzke's Turn\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nNot only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper\nis from the wrong kind of tree.\n\t\t-- Professor, EECS, George Washington University\n\nI'm looking forward to working with you on this next year.\n\t\t-- Professor, Harvard, on a  senior thesis.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard.\"\n\t\t-- Dr. Joy\n"}, {"quote": "\nOK, so you're a Ph.D.  Just don't touch anything.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing\nhow many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.\n\t\t-- Professor Charles P. Issawi\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Plaese porrf raed.\"\n\t\t-- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase\n"}, {"quote": "\nPractice is the best of all instructors.\n\t\t-- Publilius\n"}, {"quote": "\nPrinceton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart.  Harvard's is a subtle\ntaste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco.  It may even be a bad habit, for\nall I know.\n\t\t-- Prof. J.H. Finley '25\n"}, {"quote": "\nProfessor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130\nmidterm.  Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam.\nNewell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter.  Newell's earned exam average\nhas now dropped to a phenomenal 30"}, {"quote": ".\n"}, {"quote": "\nReading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReporter:   \"How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?\"\nYogi Berra: \"Closed.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nSmartness runs in my family.  When I went to school I was so smart my\nteacher was in my class for five years.\n\t\t-- George Burns\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.\n\t\t-- Folk saying\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Speed is subsittute fo accurancy.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nSpelling is a lossed art.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSuddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar\nwithout his duck ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nTeachers have class.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it.  Don't ever do\nthis to my eyes again.\n\t\t-- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe alarm clock that is louder than God's own belongs to the roommate with\nthe earliest class.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from\none graveyard to another.\n\t\t-- J. Frank Dobie, \"A Texan in England\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned\ninto a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.\n\t\t-- Nelson Algren, \"Writers at Work\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up\nin the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his\nintellectual nakedness.\n\t\t-- Robert M. Hutchins\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe end of the world will occur at three p.m., this Friday, with\nsymposium to follow.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe future is a race between education and catastrophe.\n\t\t-- H.G. Wells\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe important thing is not to stop questioning.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe man who has never been flogged has never been taught.\n\t\t-- Menander\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches us nothing.\n\t\t-- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog)\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history.\n\t\t-- Hegel\n\nI know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the long view.\n\t\t-- John Brunner, \"Stand on Zanzibar\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have\nto sleep every few days.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the\nilliterates can read.\n\t\t-- Alberto Moravia\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.\n\t\t-- Christopher Morley\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and\nis an emerging underachiever.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe sum of the intelligence of the world is constant.  The population is,\nof course, growing.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.\n\t\t-- Ursula K. LeGuin, \"The Dispossessed\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed\nideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.\n\t\t-- F. Scott Fitzgerald\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe three best things about going to school are June, July, and August.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe world is coming to an end!  Repent and return those library books!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe world is full of people who have never, since childhood, met an\nopen doorway with an open mind.\n\t\t-- E.B. White\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are no answers, only cross-references.\n\t\t-- Weiner\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis is the sort of English up with which I will not put.\n\t\t-- Winston Churchill\n"}, {"quote": "\nThose who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, for\nthese only gave life, those the art of living well.\n\t\t-- Aristotle\n"}, {"quote": "\nTime is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.\n\t\t-- Hector Berlioz\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education.\nTo accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun.  To accuse neither\noneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.\n\t\t-- Epictetus\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo craunch a marmoset.\n\t\t-- Pedro Carolino, \"English as She is Spoke\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo teach is to learn twice.\n\t\t-- Joseph Joubert\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo teach is to learn.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTry not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational.\n\t\t-- Charles Schulz\n"}, {"quote": "\nTrying to get an education here is like trying to get a drink from a fire hose.\n"}, {"quote": "\nUniversities are places of knowledge.  The freshman each bring a little\nin with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.\n"}, {"quote": "\nUniversity politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.\n\t\t-- Henry Kissinger\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!\"\n\t\t-- Vroomfondel\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe know next to nothing about virtually everything.  It is not necessary\nto know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know.\nCivilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition\nto crave knowledge.\n\t\t-- George Will\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable\nthings we did.  I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend\nand myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.\n\t\t-- Waldo D.R. Dobbs\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat does education often do?  It makes a straight cut ditch of a\nfree meandering brook.\n\t\t-- Henry David Thoreau\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat makes you think graduate school is supposed to be satisfying?\n\t\t-- Erica Jong, \"Fear of Flying\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.\n\t\t-- Raymond Aron, \"The Opium of the Intellectuals\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat we do not understand we do not possess.\n\t\t-- Goethe\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat's page one, a preemptive strike?\n\t\t-- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into\nthe soul of the boy sitting next to me.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhenever anyone says, \"theoretically,\" they really mean, \"not really.\"\n\t\t-- Dave Parnas\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhere do I find the time for not reading so many books?\n\t\t-- Karl Kraus\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Whom are you?\" said he, for he had been to night school.\n\t\t-- George Ade\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.\n\t\t-- H.H. Munro\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.\n\t\t-- J. D. Salinger\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.\n\t\t-- Alfred Kahn\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a plowshare,\nyour paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture\"\n\t\t-- Business Professor, University of Georgia\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour education begins where what is called your education is over.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went\non vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAccording to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in\nAmerica is the city of Pittsburgh.  The city of New York came in twenty-fifth.\nHere in New York we really don't care too much.  Because we know that we could\nbeat up their city anytime. \n\t\t-- David Letterman\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands.\"\n\t\t-- Saint Patrick\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlso, the Scots are said to have invented golf.  Then they had\nto invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAmerica was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until\npeople got tired of living in a place called \"Vespuccia\" and changed its\nname to \"America\".\n\t\t-- Mike Harding, \"The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAmerica, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?\n\t\t-- Allen Ginsberg\n"}, {"quote": "\nAmerican by birth; Texan by the grace of God.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAmericans are people who insist on living in the present, tense.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAmericans' greatest fear is that America will turn out to have been a\nphenomenon, not a civilization.\n\t\t-- Shirley Hazzard, \"Transit of Venus\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn American is a man with two arms and four wheels.\n\t\t-- A Chinese child\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.\n\t\t-- A.P. Herbert\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnything anybody can say about America is true.\n\t\t-- Emmett Grogan\n"}, {"quote": "\nArmenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh\nautonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet Union.\n\t\t-- P.J. O'Rourke\n"}, {"quote": "\nBaseball is a skilled game.  It's America's game - it, and high taxes.\n\t-- The Best of Will Rogers\n"}, {"quote": "\nBond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them\nseemed to come from Texas.\n\t\t-- Ian Fleming, \"Casino Royale\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nBoston State House is the hub of the Solar System.  You couldn't pry that out\nof a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation straightened out for a\ncrowbar.\n\t\t-- Oliver Wendell Holmes\n"}, {"quote": "\nDetroit is Cleveland without the glitter.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo Miami a favor.  When you leave, take someone with you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo you know Montana?\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo you know the difference between a yankee and a damyankee?\n\nA yankee comes south to *_____\b\b\b\b\bvisit*.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEli and Bessie went to sleep.\nIn the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli.\n\t\"Please be so kindly and close the window.  It's cold outside!\"\nHalf asleep, Eli murmured,\n\t\"Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say\n\"Canada\".  Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.\n\t\t-- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nGood night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are!\n"}, {"quote": "\nHating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, unwed mothers and\ncheating on your income tax.\n\t\t-- Mike Royko\n"}, {"quote": "\nHave you seen the latest Japanese camera?  Apparently it is so fast it can\nphotograph an American with his mouth shut!\n"}, {"quote": "\nHear about the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus?\nBurned his lips on the exhaust pipe.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHear about the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery?\nOne fortunate cookie...\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had\nmoney, he went to Southern California.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHistorians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer\nof California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that\ncontinues to this day.\n\t\t-- Wayne Shannon\n"}, {"quote": "\nHoudini escaping from New Jersey!\n\nFilm at eleven.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?\n"}, {"quote": "\nI am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.\n\t-- Yul Brynner, 1956\n"}, {"quote": "\nI didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per cent an idiot.\n\t\t-- George Bernard Shaw\n"}, {"quote": "\nI shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck.\n\t\t-- graffito in Los Angeles\n\nOn a clear day,\nU.C.L.A.\n\t\t-- graffito in San Francisco\n\nThere's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our\nlungs there'd be no place to put it all.\n\t\t-- Robert Orben\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I'm in Pittsburgh.  Why am I here?\"\n\t\t-- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot\nplatform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave\nthat would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIllinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the\nland He's trying to ignore.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't\nget parts.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations --\nit's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.\n\t\t-- Stuart Keate\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make it into\ntelevision shows.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen, \"Annie Hall\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf.\nIt's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIndiana is a state dedicated to basketball.  Basketball, soybeans, hogs and\nbasketball.  Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic.  Berkeley\nis dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee.\n\t\t-- Carolyn Jones\n"}, {"quote": "\nIowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid.  That's because\nthey can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those\nlittle paper envelopes.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIsn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live there?\n\t\t-- Herb Caen\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma.  If He didn't, why is it so\nclose to Texas?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either.\n\t\t-- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.\n\t\t-- Alexander Korda\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that\nEnglish is the only major language in which \"I\" is capitalized; in many\nother languages \"You\" is capitalized and the \"i\" is lower case.\n\t\t-- Sydney J. Harris\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLearning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and everything else\nfollows in the same way.\n\t\t-- Alan J. Perlis\n"}, {"quote": "\nLike so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made\nsense from things she found in gift shops.\n\t\t-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLikewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions,\nwins few friends, Germans excepted.\n\t\t-- Darwin Porter \"Scandinavia On $50 A Day\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nLiving in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.\n\t\t-- Candice Bergen\n"}, {"quote": "\nLiving in New York City gives people real incentives to want things that\nnobody else wants.\n\t\t-- Andy Warhol\n"}, {"quote": "\nMonterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place\nin California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling\nof all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.\n\t\t-- Richard Henry Dama, \"Two Years Before the Mast\", 1840\n"}, {"quote": "\nMost Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.\n\t\t-- Richard Lewis\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy godda bless, never I see sucha people.\n\t\t-- Signor Piozzi, quoted by Cecilia Thrale\n"}, {"quote": "\nNew York is real.  The rest is done with mirrors.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNew York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around\nwhom you shouldn't make a sudden move.\n\t\t-- David Letterman\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo matter what other nations may say about the United States,\nimmigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called\nYorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that\nwere good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ...\"\n\t\t-- \"The Begatting of a President\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nOn the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little\ngirl knelt by her bed to say her prayers.  \"God bless Mommy and Daddy and\nKeith and Kim,\" she said.  As she began to get up, she quickly added, \"Oh,\nand God, this is goodbye.  We're moving to Hollywood.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nOn the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.\n\t\t-- W.C. Fields' epitaph\n"}, {"quote": "\nPerhaps, after all, America never has been discovered.  I myself would\nsay that it had merely been detected.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nPhiladelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to\nexciting Camden, New Jersey.\n"}, {"quote": "\nProvidence, New Jersey, is one of the few cities where Velveeta cheese\nappears on the gourmet shelf.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRoumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler.\n\t\t-- Zero Mostel\n"}, {"quote": "\nSan Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.\n\t\t-- Herb Caen\n"}, {"quote": "\nSeattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSomeone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York\nCity.  One is \"Hey, taxi.\"  Two is, \"What train do I take to get to\nBloomingdale's?\"  And three is, \"Don't worry.  It's just a flesh wound.\"\n\t\t-- David Letterman\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see fit to create Frenchmen\nin the image of Englishmen.\n\t\t-- Winston Churchill, 1942\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the\neagle -- on the back of a dollar.\n\t\t-- Finlay Peter Dunne\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from\nsinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin.\n\t\t--Salvador De Madariaga\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe big cities of America are becoming Third World countries.\n\t\t-- Nora Ephron\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe British are coming!  The British are coming!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the words to a song --\nit's that they know them *___\b\b\ball*.\n\t\t-- Susan Dooley\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch a satellite.\nOf course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe difference between America and England is that the English think 100\nmiles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it\n*pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness.\n\t\t-- Mel Brooks\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable\nin full pursuit of the uneatable.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde, \"A Woman of No Importance\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe English have no respect for their language, and will not teach\ntheir children to speak it.\n\t\t-- G. B. Shaw\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest\nabout it.\n\t\t-- James Agate, British film and drama critic\n"}, {"quote": "\n[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.\n\t\t-- Somerset Maugham\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury.  Due north of the\ncenter we find the South End.  This is not to be confused with South\nBoston which lies directly east from the South End.  North of the South\nEnd is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe goys have proven the following theorem...\n\t\t-- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom\n\t\t   lecture.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.\n\t\t-- Andy Warhol\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common\nfamily name in the world is Chang.  Can you imagine the enormous number\nof people in the world named Mohammad Chang?\n\t\t-- Derek Wills\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a right\nturn on a red light.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe San Diego Freeway.  Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men, but there has\nalways been a limited number of Human Beings.\n\t\t-- Little Big Man\n"}, {"quote": "\nThen there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere *__\b\bis* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals\nin a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so\npeople who find nothing odd about it.\n\t\t-- Calvin Trillin\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the\nocean level wouldn't cure.\n\t\t-- Ross MacDonald\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United States; of course,\nI never heard the story before.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's something different about us -- different from people of Europe,\nAfrica, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny.\n\t\t-- G. Gordon Liddy\n"}, {"quote": "\nTip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.\n\t\t-- Frank Lloyd Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he\nis allowed to drive a taxi in New York.  For New York cabbies, honesty and\nstopping at red lights are both optional.\n\t-- From \"East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go\nabove fifty-eight degrees.  If you collapse on a street in New York, plan\nto spend a few days there.\n\t-- From \"East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons\nin New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other.\n\t-- From \"East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than a\nmillion dollars are those on fire.  These generally go for six hundred\nthousand.\n\t-- From \"East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo know Edina is to reject it.\n\t\t-- Dudley Riggs, \"The Year the Grinch Stole the Election\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nToto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.\n\t\t-- Judy Garland, \"Wizard of Oz\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nTourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies.  When you\nget to your destination, say to your driver, \"Pay?  I was hitch-hiking.\"\n\t\t-- David Letterman\n"}, {"quote": "\nTraffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.\n\t\t-- David Letterman\n"}, {"quote": "\nVisit beautiful Vergas, Minnesota.\n"}, {"quote": "\nVisit beautiful Wisconsin Dells.\n"}, {"quote": "\nVisit[1] the beautiful Smoky Mountains!\n\n[1] visit, v.:\n\tCome for a week, spend too much money and pay lots of hidden taxes,\n\tthen leave.  We'll be happy to see your money again next year.\n\tYou can save time by simply sending the money, if you're too busy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe don't care how they do it in New York.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWelcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong, the women are pretty,\nand the children are above-average.\n\t\t-- Garrison Keillor\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat kind of sordid business are you on now?  I mean, man, whither\ngoest thou?  Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?\n\t\t-- Jack Kerouac\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will\nnever succeed.\n\t\t-- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.\n\t\t-- Samuel Johnson\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask?  Well, last year, I\nthink it was a Tuesday.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket\nand a willingness to compromise.\n\t\t-- Weber cartoon caption\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen I saw a sign on the freeway that said, \"Los Angeles 445 miles,\" I said\nto myself, \"I've got to get out of this lane.\"\n\t\t-- Franklyn Ajaye\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you become used to never being alone, you may consider yourself\nAmericanized.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWould the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights?\n"}, {"quote": "\nYawd [noun, Bostonese]:  the campus of Have Id.\n\t\t-- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary\n"}, {"quote": "\nYes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those\nL-shaped ones.  Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.\n\t\t-- Rita Rudner\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty spray paint cans\nin a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.\n\t\t-- Guindon\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tA couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong\ngame.  They had the volley of the Dills.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tA farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the\nhouse of seven gobbles.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch.\n\t\t-- James Beard\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tA new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job.  He\nkept favoring curry.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA waist is a terrible thing to mind.\n\t\t-- Ziggy\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tA wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat\nloaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs.  On Friday morning her\nhusband snarled, \"How now, ground cow?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nActor:\tSo what do you do for a living?\nDoris:\tI work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving\n\tdishes for Chinese restaurants.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen, \"Without Feathers\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nActually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?\"\nasked the father of his little son.\n\t\"Diet.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnything is good if it's made of chocolate.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAs he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought\nthe potato salad.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBe careful when you bite into your hamburger.\n\t\t-- Derek Bok\n"}, {"quote": "\nBOO!  We changed Coke again!  BLEAH!  BLEAH! \n"}, {"quote": "\nBoycott meat -- suck your thumb.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCarob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of\nfats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture.  Of course,\nthe same can be said of dirt.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCheese -- milk's leap toward immortality.\n\t\t-- Clifton Fadiman, \"Any Number Can Play\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nChinese saying: \"He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nDeath before dishonor.  But neither before breakfast.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDid you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and\nSnap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently...\n\nPolice suspect the work of a cereal killer!\n"}, {"quote": "\nDieters live life in the fasting lane.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo not drink coffee in early A.M.  It will keep you awake until noon.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo not worry about which side your bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tDuring the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm.  He\nstumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an agressive Rhode\nIsland Red hopped on top.  Seeing this, the farmer commented, \"Chicken catch\na Tory!\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nEat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it.\n\t\t-- Harry Secombe's diet\n"}, {"quote": "\nEat drink and be merry!  Tommorrow you may be in Utah.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEat right, stay fit, and die anyway.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nEating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEven a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEven a cabbage may look at a king.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvery time I lose weight, it finds me again!\n"}, {"quote": "\nEverything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.\n\t\t-- Alexander Woollcott\n"}, {"quote": "\nEverything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being\nthat a belch is more satisfying.\n\t\t-- Ingmar Bergman\n"}, {"quote": "\nFat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose!\n"}, {"quote": "\nFood for thought is no substitute for the real thing.\n\t\t-- Walt Kelly, \"Potluck Pogo\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nFortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate:\n\n\tI'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.\n\t\"Hey you, get off my plate\"\n\t\t-- Roger Midnight\n"}, {"quote": "\nGod must have loved calories, she made so many of them.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7):  November 23, 1915\n\nPancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHas anyone ever tasted an \"end\"?  Are they really bitter?\n"}, {"quote": "\nHave a taco.\n\t\t-- P.S. Beagle\n"}, {"quote": "\nHome on the Range was originally written in beef-flat.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.\n\t\t-- Jack Benny\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"How did you spend the weekend?\" asked the pretty brunette secretary\nof her blonde companion.\n\t\"Fishing through the ice,\" she replied.\n\t\"Fishing through the ice?   Whatever for?\"\n\t\"Olives.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast\nwith an option to buy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI brake for chezlogs!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed.  Except perhaps the\ntime I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand.\n\t\t-- Peter Oakley\n"}, {"quote": "\nI don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial.  I don't like the idea of\na frog jumping on my Breakfast.\n\t\t-- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82\n"}, {"quote": "\nI don't care where I sit as long as I get fed.\n\t\t-- Calvin Trillin\n"}, {"quote": "\nI don't even butter my bread.  I consider that cooking.\n\t\t-- Katherine Cebrian\n"}, {"quote": "\nI don't have an eating problem.  I eat.  I get fat.  I buy new clothes.\nNo problem.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd\neat it, and I just hate it.\"\n\t\t-- Clarence Darrow\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have never been one to sacrifice my appetite on the altar of appearance.\n\t\t-- A.M. Readyhough\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race, \nin its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals.    \n\t\t-- Thoreau\n"}, {"quote": "\nI just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke. I think I saw God.\n\t\t-- B. Hathrume Duk\n"}, {"quote": "\nI never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"I thought you were trying to get into shape.\"\n\t\"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm hungry, time to eat lunch.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.\n\t\t-- Totie Fields\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf at first you fricasee, fry, fry again.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf food be the music of love, eat up, eat up.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you are what you eat, does that mean Euell Gibbons really was a nut?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a\nrestaurant.\n\t\t-- Snoopy\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you see an onion ring -- answer it!\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you stew apples like cranberries, they taste more like prunes than\nrhubarb does.\n\t\t-- Groucho Marx\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you're going to America, bring your own food.\n\t\t-- Fran Lebowitz, \"Social Studies\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf your bread is stale, make toast.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.\n\t\t-- Josi Simon\n"}, {"quote": "\nIs there life before breakfast?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is a hard matter, my fellow citizens, to argue with the belly,\nsince it has no ears.\n\t\t-- Marcus Porcius Cato\n"}, {"quote": "\nIT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about\na hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, \"You can't throw\nthat chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish.\"\n\nSure they eat fish if that's all you give them!  Man, wise up.\n\t\t-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt was a brave man that ate the first oyster.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing warnings\nabout toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or two things still\nsafe to eat.\n\t\t-- Robert Fuoss\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers\nhave been all over it.\n\t\t-- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKilling turkeys causes winter.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKissing don't last, cookery do.\n\t\t-- George Meredith\n"}, {"quote": "\nKitchen activity is highlighted.  Butter up a friend.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLast night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up\nthe pillow was gone.\n\t\t-- Tommy Cooper\n"}, {"quote": "\nLast week's pet, this week's special.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLet not the sands of time get in your lunch.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it.  You have to\neat it nevertheless.\n\t\t-- Flaubert\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is like a tin of sardines.  We're, all of us, looking for the key.\n\t\t-- Beyond the Fringe\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is like an egg stain on your chin -- you can lick it, but it still\nwon't go away.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is like an onion: you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes\nyou weep.\n\t\t-- Carl Sandburg\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer and then you find\nthere is nothing in it.\n\t\t-- James Huneker\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is too short to stuff a mushroom.\n\t\t-- Storm Jameson\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife without caffeine is stimulating enough.\n\t\t-- Sanka Ad\n"}, {"quote": "\nLiving here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from.  And when\nyou're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee.\n\t\t-- \"Great Train Robber\" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial\n"}, {"quote": "\nMan who arrives at party two hours late will find he has been beaten\nto the punch.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMost people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market.\n\t\t-- E.W. Howe\n"}, {"quote": "\nMountain Dew and doughnuts...  because breakfast is the most important meal\nof the day.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.  Unless there\nare three other people.\n\t\t-- Orson Welles\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce\nand mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side.\n\t\t-- Senator Hubert Humphrey\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever drink coke in a moving elevator.  The elevator's motion coupled with\nthe chemicals in coke produce hallucinations.  People tend to change into\nlizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the\nwindow.  Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever eat anything bigger than your head.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever eat more than you can lift.\n\t\t-- Miss Piggy\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after\neating one peanut.\n\t\t-- Channing Pollock\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.\n\t\t-- Charlie Brown\n"}, {"quote": "\nPete:\tWaiter, this meat is bad.\nWaiter:\tWho told you?\nPete:\tA little swallow.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeter's hungry, time to eat lunch.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPreserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today!\n"}, {"quote": "\nPrunes give you a run for your money.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPut a pot of chili on the stove to simmer.  Let it simmer.  Meanwhile,\nbroil a good steak.  Eat the steak.  Let the chili simmer.  Ignore it.\n\t\t-- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor\n\t\t   of Texas.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPut cats in the coffee and mice in the tea!\n"}, {"quote": "\nRemember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled with\none, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two deserts.\n\t\t-- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59\n"}, {"quote": "\nSacred cows make great hamburgers.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSave gas, don't eat beans.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSeeing is deceiving.  It's eating that's believing.\n\t\t-- James Thurber\n"}, {"quote": "\nSo much food; so little time!\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in\nthe milk.\n\t\t-- Thoreau\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up\nat the steam fitters' picnic.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat.\n\t\t-- John McNulty\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t   THE DAILY PLANET\n\n\tSUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT!\n\tPlans to \"Eat it later\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe men sat sipping their tea in silence.  After a while the klutz said,\n\t\"Life is like a bowl of sour cream.\"\n\t\"Like a bowl of sour cream?\" asked the other.  \"Why?\"\n\t\"How should I know?  What am I, a philosopher?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served\nthe family nothing but leftovers.  The original meal has never been found.\n\t\t-- Calvin Trillin\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in\n1986, 60"}, {"quote": " of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.\"\n\t\t-- D. Letterman\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success\nof the barbecue.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine\nincreases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only thing better than love is milk.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse.\n\nCowboy:\t\"Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess.  Hardworkin'.\n\tNot the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but...\"\n\nHorse:  \"No, stupid, not feed*back*.  I said I wanted a feed*bag*.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later\nyou're hungry again.\n\t\t-- George Miller\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is one\nof them.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are twenty-five people left in the world, and twenty-seven of\nthem are hamburgers.\n\t\t-- Ed Sanders\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is more simplicity in the man who eats caviar on impulse than in the\nman who eats Grape-Nuts on principle.\n\t\t-- G.K. Chesterton\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is no sincerer love than the love of food.\n\t\t-- George Bernard Shaw\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's always free cheese in a mousetrap.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops.\n\t\t-- Groucho Marx\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis is Betty Frenel.  I don't know who to call but I can't reach my\nFood-a-holics partner.  I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage\nand mushroom.  Jim, come and get me!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTom's hungry, time to eat lunch.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTwo peanuts were walking through the New York.  One was assaulted.\n"}, {"quote": "\nVegetables are what food eats.\nFruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good.\nFish are fast moving vegetables.\nMushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them.\n\t\t-- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams\n"}, {"quote": "\nVegeterians beware!  You are what you eat.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWaiter:\t\"Tea or coffee, gentlemen?\"\n1st customer: \"I'll have tea.\"\n2nd customer: \"Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!\"\n\t(Waiter exits, returns)\nWaiter: \"Two teas.  Which one asked for the clean glass?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWake up and smell the coffee.\n\t\t-- Ann Landers\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat foods these morsels be!\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat is food to one, is to others bitter poison.\n\t\t-- Titus Lucretius Carus\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's\nenemies.  Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking\nout of him.\n\t\t-- Brian O'Nolan, \"The Best of Myles\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen all else fails, EAT!!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen my brain begins to reel from my literary labors, I make an occasional\ncheese dip.\n\t\t-- Ignatius Reilly\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you're dining out and you suspect something's wrong, you're probably right.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhere do you go to get anorexia?\n\t\t-- Shelley Winters\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhile it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't\nkeep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove.\n\t\t-- Edward Stevenson\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the pure in heart\ncan make a good soup.\n\t\t-- Ludwig Van Beethoven\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy do so many foods come packaged in plastic?  It's quite uncanny.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWithout ice cream life and fame are meaningless.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles.\n\t\t-- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou first parents of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple,\nwhat might you have done for a truffled turkey?\n\t\t-- Brillat-savarin, \"Physiologie du Gout\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.\n\t\t-- S. Rickly Christian\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car.\n\t\t-- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou must dine in our cafeteria.  You can eat dirt cheap there!!!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour mind is the part of you that says,\n\t\"Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?\"\n... and then, twenty minutes later, says,\n\t\"Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!\"\n\t\t-- Steven and Ondrea Levine\n"}, {"quote": "\nA day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?\n"}, {"quote": "\nA few hours grace before the madness begins again.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA gift of a flower will soon be made to you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.\n\nBuy the negatives at any price.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA vivid and creative mind characterizes you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAbandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAccent on helpful side of your nature.  Drain the moat.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAdvancement in position.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAfter your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!\n"}, {"quote": "\nAfternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a change.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAmong the lucky, you are the chosen one.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnother good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAre you a turtle?\n"}, {"quote": "\nAre you ever going to do the dishes?  Or will you change your major to biology?\n"}, {"quote": "\nAre you making all this up as you go along?\n"}, {"quote": "\nAre you sure the back door is locked?\n"}, {"quote": "\nArtistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAvert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAvoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAvoid reality at all costs.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBank error in your favor.  Collect $200.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBe careful!  Is it classified?\n"}, {"quote": "\nBe careful!  UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!\n"}, {"quote": "\nBe cautious in your daily affairs.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBe cheerful while you are alive.\n\t\t-- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBe different: conform.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBe free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!  Things won't get any better so\nget used to it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBe security conscious -- National defense is at stake.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBest of all is never to have been born.  Second best is to die soon.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBetter hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your\nlife in such a mess.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeware of Bigfoot!\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeware of low-flying butterflies.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeware the one behind you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBlow it out your ear.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBreak into jail and claim police brutality.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBridge ahead.  Pay troll.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCaution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCaution: Keep out of reach of children.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCelebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.\n"}, {"quote": "\nChange your thoughts and you change your world.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCheer Up!  Things are getting worse at a slower rate.\n"}, {"quote": "\nChess tonight.\n"}, {"quote": "\nChicken Little only has to be right once.\n"}, {"quote": "\nChicken Little was right.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCold hands, no gloves.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCommunicate!  It can't make things any worse.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCourage is your greatest present need.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDay of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo not overtax your powers.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo something unusual today.  Pay a bill.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo what comes naturally.  Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDomestic happiness and faithful friends.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't feed the bats tonight.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't get to bragging.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't kiss an elephant on the lips today.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't plan any hasty moves.  You'll be evicted soon anyway.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't read everything you believe.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't relax!  It's only your tension that's holding you together.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't Worry, Be Happy.\n\t\t-- Meher Baba\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't worry.  Life's too long.\n\t\t-- Vincent Sardi, Jr.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?\n"}, {"quote": "\nEverything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEverything will be just tickety-boo today.\n"}, {"quote": "\nExcellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.\n"}, {"quote": "\nExcellent day to have a rotten day.\n"}, {"quote": "\nExcellent time to become a missing person.\n"}, {"quote": "\nExecutive ability is prominent in your make-up.\n"}, {"quote": "\nExercise caution in your daily affairs.\n"}, {"quote": "\nExpect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nExpect the worst, it's the least you can do.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFine day for friends.\nSo-so day for you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai\nsword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.\n\nOh, and have a nice day!\n\t\t-- Bryce Nesbitt '84\n"}, {"quote": "\nFuture looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGenerosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGive him an evasive answer.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGive thought to your reputation.  Consider changing name and moving to\na new town.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGive your very best today.  Heaven knows it's little enough.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGo to a movie tonight.  Darkness becomes you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGood day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGood day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGood day to deal with people in high places; particularly lonely stewardesses.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGood day to let down old friends who need help.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGood news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGood news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGood night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's\nnew lover.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGreen light in A.M. for new projects.  Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHope that the day after you die is a nice day.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you can read this, you're too close.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn\n365 useless things.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow!\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIncreased knowledge will help you now.  Have mate's phone bugged.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIs that really YOU that is reading this?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIs this really happening?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is so very hard to be an \non-your-own-take-care-of-yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you\ngrown-up.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt was all so different before everything changed.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's a very *__\b\bUN*lucky week in which to be took dead.\n\t\t-- Churchy La Femme\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's all in the mind, ya know.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.\n"}, {"quote": "\nJust because the message may never be received does not mean it is\nnot worth sending.\n"}, {"quote": "\nJust to have it is enough.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKeep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKeep it short for pithy sake.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLady Luck brings added income today.  Lady friend takes it away tonight.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLearn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLet me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is to you a dashing and bold adventure.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it.\"\n\t\t-- Marvin, \"Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nLive in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLiving your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLong life is in store for you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLook afar and see the end from the beginning.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove is in the offing.  Be affectionate to one who adores you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMake a wish, it might come true.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMany changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever be led astray onto the path of virtue.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever commit yourself!  Let someone else commit you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever give an inch!\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever look up when dragons fly overhead.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever reveal your best argument.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNext Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you don't\nhave a lucky day this year.\n"}, {"quote": "\nObviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOf course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople are beginning to notice you.  Try dressing before you leave the house.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPerfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQuestionable day.\n\nAsk somebody something.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReply hazy, ask again later.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSave energy: be apathetic.\n"}, {"quote": "\nShips are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSlow day.  Practice crawling.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSnow Day -- stay home.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSo this it it.  We're going to die.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSo you're back... about time...\n"}, {"quote": "\nSomeone is speaking well of you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSomeone is speaking well of you.\n\nHow unusual!\n"}, {"quote": "\nSomeone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.\n"}, {"quote": "\nStay away from flying saucers today.\n"}, {"quote": "\nStay away from hurricanes for a while.\n"}, {"quote": "\nStay the curse.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThat secret you've been guarding, isn't.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe time is right to make new friends.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.\n\t\t-- George Gobel\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is a 20"}, {"quote": " chance of tomorrow.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is a fly on your nose.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere was a phone call for you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere will be big changes for you but you will be happy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThings will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in your face.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThink twice before speaking, but don't say \"think think click click\".\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis life is yours.  Some of it was given to you; the rest, you made yourself.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTime to be aggressive.  Go after a tattooed Virgo.\n"}, {"quote": "\nToday is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.\n"}, {"quote": "\nToday is the first day of the rest of the mess.\n"}, {"quote": "\nToday is the first day of the rest of your life.\n"}, {"quote": "\nToday is the last day of your life so far.\n"}, {"quote": "\nToday is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.\n"}, {"quote": "\nToday is what happened to yesterday.\n"}, {"quote": "\nToday's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why.\n\t\t-- Hunter S. Thompson\n"}, {"quote": "\nTomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past but fortunately,\nit can still be changed today.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTomorrow, you can be anywhere.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTonight you will pay the wages of sin; Don't forget to leave a tip.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTroubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live\nin eucalyptus trees.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTruth will out this morning.  (Which may really mess things up.)\n"}, {"quote": "\nTry the Moo Shu Pork.  It is especially good today.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTry to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTry to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTry to relax and enjoy the crisis.\n\t\t-- Ashleigh Brilliant\n"}, {"quote": "\nTry to value useful qualities in one who loves you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat happened last night can happen again.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhile you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and\nare making another attack.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWrite yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are a bundle of energy, always on the go.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are always busy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are as I am with You.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are capable of planning your future.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are confused; but this is your normal state.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are destined to become the commandant of the fighting men of the\ndepartment of transportation.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are fairminded, just and loving.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are farsighted, a good planner, an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are going to have a new love affair.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are magnetic in your bearing.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are not dead yet.  But watch for further reports.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are number 6!  Who is number one?\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.  Therefore you\nhave few friends.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are sick, twisted and perverted.  I like that in a person.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are standing on my toes.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are taking yourself far too seriously.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are the only person to ever get this message.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading\nthis sort of trash.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme stupidity.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can create your own opportunities this week.  Blackmail a senior executive.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can do very well in speculation where land or anything to do with dirt\nis concerned.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can rent this space for only $5 a week.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou could live a better life, if you had a better mind and a better body.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou definitely intend to start living sometime soon.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou dialed 5483.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou enjoy the company of other people.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou feel a whole lot more like you do now than you did when you used to.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou fill a much-needed gap.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou get along very well with everyone except animals and people.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou had some happiness once, but your parents moved away, and you had to\nleave it behind.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou have a deep interest in all that is artistic.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy. \nA pity that it's totally undeserved.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou have a truly strong individuality.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou have a will that can be influenced by all with whom you come in contact.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou have an ability to sense and know higher truth.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou have an unusual equipment for success.  Be sure to use it properly.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou have an unusual magnetic personality.  Don't walk too close to\nmetal objects which are not fastened down.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou have an unusual understanding of the problems of human relationships.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou have been selected for a secret mission.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou have many friends and very few living enemies.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou have no real enemies.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou have taken yourself too seriously.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou have the body of a 19 year old.  Please return it before it gets wrinkled.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot today.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou learn to write as if to someone else because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE\n\"SOMEONE ELSE.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou look like a million dollars.  All green and wrinkled.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou look tired.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou love peace.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou love your home and want it to be beautiful.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou may be gone tomorrow, but that doesn't mean that you weren't here today.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely \nlarger than others.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou may be recognized soon.  Hide.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou may get an opportunity for advancement today.  Watch it!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will\nbe sold.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou need more time; and you probably always will.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou need no longer worry about the future.  This time tomorrow you'll be dead.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou now have Asian Flu.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your own.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far.  Especially\nif they are dead.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou should go home.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou teach best what you most need to learn.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou too can wear a nose mitten.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou two ought to be more careful--your love could drag on for years and years.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will always have good luck in your personal affairs.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will be aided greatly by a person whom you thought to be unimportant.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of\na lion, and the face of Donald Duck.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will be awarded some great honor.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will be dead within a year.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will be divorced within a year.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will be given a post of trust and responsibility.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will be held hostage by a radical group.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will be imprisoned for contributing your time and skill to a bank robbery.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will be married within a year, and divorced within two.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will be married within a year.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will be misunderstood by everyone.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will be recognized and honored as a community leader.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will be run over by a beer truck.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will be run over by a bus.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will be singled out for promotion in your work.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will be successful in love.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will be surprised by a loud noise.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will be surrounded by luxury.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will be the victim of a bizarre joke.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare Thyself.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will be traveling and coming into a fortune.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will become rich and famous unless you don't.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will contract a rare disease.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will engage in a profitable business activity.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will feel hungry again in another hour.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will forget that you ever knew me.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will gain money by a fattening action.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will gain money by a speculation or lottery.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will gain money by an illegal action.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will gain money by an immoral action.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will get what you deserve.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will have a long and boring life.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will have good luck and overcome many hardships.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will have long and healthy life.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will inherit millions of dollars.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will inherit some money or a small piece of land.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will live to see your grandchildren.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise\nsalesman.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will never know hunger.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will not be elected to public office this year.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will outgrow your usefulness.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will pass away very quickly.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will pay for your sins.  If you have already paid, please disregard\nthis message.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will pioneer the first Martian colony.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will probably marry after a very brief courtship.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will receive a legacy which will place you above want.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will remember something that you should not have forgotten.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will soon forget this.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will step on the night soil of many countries.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will stop at nothing to reach your objective, but only because your\nbrakes are defective.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will triumph over your enemy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will win success in whatever calling you adopt.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will wish you hadn't.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou work very hard.  Don't try to think as well.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou worry too much about your job.  Stop it.  You are not paid enough to worry.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou would if you could but you can't so you won't.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou'll be called to a post requiring ability in handling groups of people.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou'll be sorry...\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou'll feel devilish tonight.  Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's\nheel.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou'll feel much better once you've given up hope.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou'll never be the man your mother was!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou'll never see all the places, or read all the books, but fortunately,\nthey're not all recommended.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou'll wish that you had done some of the hard things when they were easier\nto do.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou're a card which will have to be dealt with.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou're almost as happy as you think you are.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou're at the end of the road again.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou're currently going through a difficult transition period called \"Life.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou're definitely on their list.  The question to ask next is what list it is.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou're growing out of some of your problems, but there are others that\nyou're growing into.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou're not my type.  For that matter, you're not even my species!!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou're working under a slight handicap.  You happen to be human.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour aim is high and to the right.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour aims are high, and you are capable of much.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour analyst has you mixed up with another patient.  Don't believe a\nthing he tells you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't\nreally worth having.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour business will assume vast proportions.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour business will go through a period of considerable expansion.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour domestic life may be harmonious.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour fly might be open (but don't check it just now).\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour goose is cooked.\n(Your current chick is burned up too!)\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour ignorance cramps my conversation.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour love life will be happy and harmonious.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour love life will be... interesting.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour lover will never wish to leave you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour lucky color has faded.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour lucky number has been disconnected.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour lucky number is 3552664958674928.  Watch for it everywhere.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour mode of life will be changed for the better because of new developments.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind will be\nmisinterpreted by somebody.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour object is to save the world, while still leading a pleasant life.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour present plans will be successful.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour reasoning is excellent -- it's only your basic assumptions that are wrong.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour sister swims out to meet troop ships.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour step will soil many countries.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour supervisor is thinking about you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeware of computerized fortune-tellers!\n"}, {"quote": "\nChocolate chip.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\t\tDELETE A FORTUNE!\nDon't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?!\nWouldn't you like to see some of them deleted from the system?\nYou can!  Just mail to `fortune' with the fortune you hate most,\nand we'll make sure it gets expunged.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo not read this fortune under penalty of law.\nViolators will be prosecuted.\n(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFortune's current rates:\n\n\tAnswers\t\t\t\t.10\n\tLong answers\t\t\t.25\n\tAnswers requiring thought\t.50\n\tCorrect answers\t\t\t$1.00\n\n\tDumb looks are still free.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGeneric Fortune.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGinger snap.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHi there!  This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person\nreading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,\nnor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says, but\nI'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what it means.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIgnore previous fortune.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?\n"}, {"quote": "\n(null cookie; hope that's ok)\n"}, {"quote": "\nOatmeal raisin.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOreo.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPardon this fortune.  Database under reconstruction.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPick another fortune cookie.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPlease ignore previous fortune.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSince before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space,\ncosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward\nthis moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSorry, no fortune this time.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by\na major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is no such thing as fortune.  Try again.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis Fortune Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis fortune intentionally left blank.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis fortune intentionally not included.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis fortune intentionally says nothing.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose invaluable assistance\nlast night would never have been possible.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis fortune is false.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis fortune is inoperative.  Please try another.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTHIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM\n\nIf you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your\ncontribution of a pithy fortunes, clean or obscene?  We cannot continue\nwithout your support.  Less than 14"}, {"quote": " of all fortune users are contributors.\nThat means that 86"}, {"quote": "\nThis is your fortune.\n"}, {"quote": "\nVanilla wafer.\n"}, {"quote": "\nVery few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWARNING:\n\tReading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your\n\tmind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth\n\tof hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome\n\tof your favorite war.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe interrupt this fortune for an important announcement...\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat does it mean if there is no fortune for you?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.\n\t\t-- Groucho Marx\n"}, {"quote": "\nA friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have to go.\nYou'll just be walking down the street and...  Ooohh, that's much better.\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nA lot of people are afraid of heights.  Not me.  I'm afraid of widths.\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nA possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest.\n\t\t-- Walt Kelly\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!\"\n\t\t-- Firesign Theatre, \"The Giant Rat of Summatra\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll men are mortal.  Socrates was mortal.  Therefore, all men are Socrates.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnd now for something completely different.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnd now for something completely the same.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?\"\n\tNo, Ma'am.  Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat.\"\n\t\t-- Monty Python\n"}, {"quote": "\nAs the poet said, \"Only God can make a tree\" -- probably because it's\nso hard to figure out how to get the bark on.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeing Ymor's right-hand man was like being gently flogged to death with\nscented bootlaces.\n\t\t-- Terry Pratchett, \"The Colour of Magic\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nBernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and\nnone of his friends like him either.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Boy, life takes a long time to live.\"\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nBut I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness.\nI meant no harm;  I just liked the explosions.  And I was careful never to\nkill more than I could eat.\n\t\t-- Raoul Duke\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"But I don't like Spam!!!!\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"But I don't want to go on the cart...\"\n\t\"Oh, don't be such a baby!\"\n\t\"But I'm feeling much better...\"\n\t\"No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!\"\n\t\t-- Monty Python, \"The Holy Grail\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nComedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDeath didn't answer.  He was looking at Spold in the same way as a dog looks\nat a bone, only in this case things were more or less the other way around.\n\t\t-- Terry Pratchett, \"The Colour of Magic\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nDecorate your home.  It gives the illusion that your life is more\ninteresting than it really is.\n\t\t-- C. Schulz\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he\njust whipped out a quarter?\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent.\n\t\t-- Walt Kelly\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't worry about the world coming to an end today.  It's already tomorrow\nin Australia.\n\t\t-- Charles Schulz\n"}, {"quote": "\nEarly to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead.\n\t\t-- Terry Pratchett, \"The Light Fantastic\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nEternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nEternity is a terrible thought.  I mean, where's it going to end?\n\t\t-- Tom Stoppard\n"}, {"quote": "\nFaster, faster, you fool, you fool!\n\t\t-- Bill Cosby\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...  I put them in\nthe same room and let them fight it out.\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nFrom the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed\nwith laughter.  Some day I intend reading it.\n\t\t-- Groucho Marx, from \"The Book of Insults\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nGod is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Here's something to think about:  How come you never see a headline like\n`Psychic Wins Lottery'?\"\n\t\t-- Jay Leno\n"}, {"quote": "\nHey, what do you expect from a culture that *drives* on *parkways* and\n*parks* on *driveways*?\n\t\t-- Gallagher\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.\"\n\t\t-- William Gilbert\n"}, {"quote": "\nHumorists always sit at the children's table.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nI am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern\nunstoned.\n\t\t-- Ogden Nash, \"Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI am getting into abstract painting.  Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas,\nI just think about it.  I just went to an art museum where all of the art\nwas done by children.  All the paintings were hung on refrigerators.\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nI am two with nature.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nI argue very well.  Ask any of my remaining friends.  I can win an argument on\nany topic, against any opponent.  People know this, and steer clear of me at\nparties.  Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.\n\t\t-- Dave Barry\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"I assure you the thought never even crossed my mind, lord.\"\n\t\"Indeed?  Then if I were you I'd sue my face for slander.\"\n\t\t-- Terry Pratchett, \"The Colour of Magic\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.\n\t\t-- Gilda Radner\n"}, {"quote": "\nI bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now\nwhen I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still ...\"\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nI could dance with you till the cows come home.  On second thought, I'd rather\ndance with the cows till you come home.\n\t\t-- Groucho Marx\n"}, {"quote": "\nI don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that\neither.\n\t\t-- Jack Benny\n"}, {"quote": "\nI don't get no respect.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds.  I hold them above\nglobes.  They freak out and yell \"Whooa, I'm *way* too high.\"\n\t\t-- Bruce Baum\n"}, {"quote": "\nI don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nI finally went to the eye doctor.  I got contacts.  I only need them to\nread, so I got flip-ups.\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nI got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.  Now\nwhen I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and\nfarther, trying to see it clearly)...  and says, \"Here, you can go.\"\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nI got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nI had no shoes and I pitied myself.  Then I met a man who had no feet,\nso I took his shoes.\n\t\t-- Dave Barry\n"}, {"quote": "\nI hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means\nit's going to be up all night.\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have a dog; I named him Stay.  So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, \"Here,\nStay, here...\" but he got wise to that.  Now when I call him he ignores me\nand just keeps on typing.\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have a friend whose a billionaire.  He invented Cliff's notes.  When\nI asked him how he got such a great idea he said, \"Well first I...\nI just... to make a long story short...\"\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have a hobby.  I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.  I keep\nit scattered on beaches all over the world.  Maybe you've seen some of it.\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have a map of the United States.  It's actual size.  I spent last summer\nfolding it.  People ask me where I live, and I say, \"E6\".\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have a rock garden.  Last week three of them died.\n\t\t-- Richard Diran\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything.  Every once\nin a while I turn it on and off.  On and off.  On and off.  One day I\ngot a call from a woman in France who said \"Cut it out!\"\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have an existential map.  It has \"You are here\" written all over it.\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nI just got out of the hospital after a speed reading accident.\nI hit a bookmark.\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nI know the answer!  The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!\nThe answer is twelve?  I think I'm in the wrong building.\n\t\t-- Charles Schulz\n"}, {"quote": "\nI look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic.  I may not get\nthere, but I'm going first class.\n\t\t-- Art Buchwald\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour!  This is what\nentertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils.\"\n\t\t-- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson\n"}, {"quote": "\nI met my latest girl friend in a department store.  She was looking at\nclothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators.\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nI never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.\n\t\t-- Groucho Marx\n"}, {"quote": "\nI poured spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone.\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nI put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little pictures of cats\non them.  Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nI put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"I said I hope it is a good party,\" said Galder, loudly.\n\t\"AT THE MOMENT IT IS,\" said Death levelly.  \"I THINK IT MIGHT GO\nDOWNHILL VERY QUICKLY AT MIDNIGHT.\"\n\t\"Why?\"\n\t\"THAT'S WHEN THEY THINK I'LL BE TAKING MY MASK OFF.\"\n\t\t-- Terry Pratchett, \"The Light Fantastic\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nI should have been a country-western singer.  After all, I'm older than\nmost western countries.\n\t\t-- George Burns\n"}, {"quote": "\nI sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers -- they're going\nto make a game out of it.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nI stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got a full\nhouse and four people died.\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nI think we're all Bozos on this bus.\n\t\t-- Firesign Theatre\n"}, {"quote": "\nI thought there was something fishy about the butler.  Probably a Pisces,\nworking for scale.\n\t\t-- Firesign Theatre, \"The Further Adventures of Nick Danger\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in\ntwenty minutes.\n\nIt's about Russia.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nI used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park anywhere near\nthe place.\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nI was at this restaurant.  The sign said \"Breakfast Anytime.\"  So I\nordered French Toast in the Rennaissance.\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nI was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a lengthy\nargument about what I considered an Odd number.\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nI was the best I ever had.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything specific\".\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the\nstatues that are in all the other museums.\"\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nI woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment\nhad been stolen and replaced with an exact replica.  I told my roommate,\n\"Isn't this amazing?  Everything in the apartment has been stolen and\nreplaced with an exact replica.\"  He said, \"Do I know you?\"\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nI worked in a health food store once.  A guy came in and asked me,\n\"If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?\"\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.\n\t\t-- Groucho Marx\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack,\nabove the ground.  That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even\nfeel it.\n\t\t-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member.\n\t\t-- Groucho Marx\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'll be comfortable on the couch.  Famous last words.\n\t\t-- Lenny Bruce\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm going to Boston to see my doctor.  He's a very sick man.\n\t\t-- Fred Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm going to live forever, or die trying!\n\t\t-- Spider Robinson\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm not afraid of death -- I just don't want to be there when it happens.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nI've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it.\n\t\t-- Groucho Marx\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would\nhave made them cute and furry. \n\t\t-- Dave Barry\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf only Dionysus were alive!  Where would he eat?\n\t\t-- Woody Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf only God would give me some clear sign!  Like making a large deposit\nin my name at a Swiss bank.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen, \"Without Feathers\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few\npeople die past the age of a hundred.\n\t\t-- George Burns\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it\noff with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe?\n\t\t-- Douglas Adams, \"The Restaurant at the End of the Universe\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn like a dimwit, out like a light.\n\t\t-- Pogo\n"}, {"quote": "\nIs it weird in here, or is it just me?\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be\nunhappy.\n\t\t-- Groucho Marx\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt looked like something resembling white marble, which was\nprobably what it was: something resembling white marble.\n\t\t-- Douglas Adams, \"The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.\n\t\t-- Groucho Marx\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nLast night the power went out.  Good thing my camera had a flash....\nThe neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nLast year we drove across the country...  We switched on the driving...\nevery half mile.  We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip.\nI don't remember what it was.\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is divided into the horrible and the miserable.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen, \"Annie Hall\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is wasted on the living.\n\t\t-- The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMan 1:\tAsk me the what the most important thing about telling a good joke is.\n\nMan 2:\tOK, what is the most impo --\n\nMan 1:\t______\b\b\b\b\b\bTIMING!\n"}, {"quote": "\nMany years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,\nthere lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he\nwas so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how\ncompletely Mournful he would be on Wednesday....\n\t\t-- Walt Kelly\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo\nof the entire earth on it. On the back it said: \"Wish you were here\".\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy friend has a baby.  I'm writing down all the noises he makes so\nlater I can ask him what he meant.\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nNietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again.\nGod -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen, \"Hannah and Her Sisters\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nNirvana?  That's the place where the powers that be and their friends hang out.\n\t\t-- Zonker Harris\n"}, {"quote": "\nNOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!\n"}, {"quote": "\nNow is the time for all good men to come to.\n\t\t-- Walt Kelly\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne doesn't have a sense of humor.  It has you.\n\t\t-- Larry Gelbart\n"}, {"quote": "\nOutside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.  Inside a dog it's too\ndark to read.\n\t\t-- Groucho Marx\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.\"\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nRincewind formed a mental picture of some strange entity living in a castle\nmade of teeth.  It was the kind of mental picture you tried to forget.\nUnsuccessfully.\n\t\t-- Terry Pratchett, \"The Light Fantastic\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nRomeo wasn't bilked in a day.\n\t\t-- Walt Kelly, \"Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With Pogo\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nSharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off\nduring games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.\n\t\t-- Dave Barry, \"Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every\n\t\t   Teen Should Know\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nShowing up is 80"}, {"quote": " of life.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nSOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw\nback my head and gargle.  Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears\nme because I am beautiful.\n\t\t-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future.\n\t\t-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe best cure for insomnia is to get a  lot of sleep.\n\t\t-- W. C. Fields\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them\nis a match.\n\t\t-- Will Rogers\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be.\nStatistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in\nautomobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.\n\t\t-- Art Buchwald\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all\nwho have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.\n\t\t-- Benjamin Franklin.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"The pyramid is opening!\"\n\t\"Which one?\"\n\t\"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!\"\n\t\t-- Firesign Theater, \"How Can You Be In Two Places At\n\t\t   Once When You're Not Anywhere At All\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere comes a time in the affairs of a man when he has to take the bull\nby the tail and face the situation.\n\t\t-- W.C. Fields\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our\nwhole lives, win, lose, or draw.\n\t\t-- Walt Kelly\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is\nbecoming an endangered synthetic.\n\t\t-- Lily Tomlin\n"}, {"quote": "\nThings will get better despite our efforts to improve them.\n\t\t-- Will Rogers\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis land is full of trousers!\nthis land is full of mausers!\n\tAnd pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down!\n\t\t-- Firesign Theater\n"}, {"quote": "\nTime is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.\n\t\t-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy\n"}, {"quote": "\nTOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin\nreal fast and freak everybody out.\n\t\t-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTwenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing.\n\t\t-- Walt Kelly\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe have met the enemy, and he is us.\n\t\t-- Walt Kelly\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe is confronted with insurmountable opportunities.\n\t\t-- Walt Kelly, \"Pogo\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?  In that case, I\ndefinitely overpaid for my carpet.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen, \"Without Feathers\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?  Or what's worse,\nwhat if only that fat guy in the third row exists?\n\t\t-- Woody Allen, \"Without Feathers\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat is comedy?  Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making\nthem puke.\n\t\t-- Steve Martin\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat's another word for \"thesaurus\"?\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if\nI had any firearms with me.  I said, \"Well, what do you need?\"\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get.\n\t\t-- Rodney Dangerfield\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had slept well.\nI said, \"No, I made a few mistakes.\"\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhere humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what\nis good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.\n\t\t-- John Kenneth Galbraith\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nWill Rogers never met you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWinny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...\nIf you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your\nhead... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nWould you *______\b\b\b\b\b\breally* want to get on a non-stop flight?\n\t\t-- George Carlin\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can't have everything.  Where would you put it?\n\t\t-- Steven Wright\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou may already be a loser.\n\t\t-- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou'd better beat it.  You can leave in a taxi.  If you can't get a taxi, you\ncan leave in a huff.  If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.\n\t\t-- Groucho Marx\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou're a good example of why some animals eat their young.\n\t\t-- Jim Samuels to a heckler\n\nAh, yes.  I remember my first beer.\n\t\t-- Steve Martin to a heckler\n\nWhen your IQ rises to 28, sell.\n\t\t-- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler\n"}, {"quote": "\nA baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no\nresponsibility at the other.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.\n\t\t-- Carl Sandburg\n"}, {"quote": "\nA child of five could understand this!  Fetch me a child of five.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAbout the only thing we have left that actually discriminates in favor of\nthe plain people is the stork.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAdam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was, that they escaped\nteething.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain, \"Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAdopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look like you ...\n\t\t-- Gilda Radner\n"}, {"quote": "\nAny father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this\ncountry honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnyone who uses the phrase \"easy as taking candy from a baby\" has never\ntried taking candy from a baby.\n\t\t-- Robin Hood\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBecause we don't think about future generations, they will never forget us.\n\t\t-- Henrik Tikkanen\n"}, {"quote": "\nBilly:\tMom, you know that vase you said was handed down from\n\tgeneration to generation?\nMom:\tYes?\nBilly:\tWell, this generation dropped it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBreast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests,\nsince they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.\n\t\t-- Mike Harding, \"The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tCatching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio,\nthe father spanked them.  His wife asked, \"Don't you love your children?\"\n\"In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nCatproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so.\n"}, {"quote": "\nChildren are like cats, they can tell when you don't like them.  That's\nwhen they come over and violate your body space.\n"}, {"quote": "\nChildren are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every\neffort to teach them good manners.\n"}, {"quote": "\nChildren are unpredictable.  You never know what inconsistency they're\ngoing to catch you in next.\n\t\t-- Franklin P. Jones\n"}, {"quote": "\nChildren begin by loving their parents.  After a time they judge them.\nRarely, if ever, do they forgive them.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nChildren seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually repeat word for\nword what you shouldn't have said.\n"}, {"quote": "\nChildren's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.\n\t\t-- Maya Angelou, \"I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nCleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling\nthe walk before it stops snowing.\n\t\t-- Phyllis Diller\n\nThere is no need to do any housework at all.  After the first four years\nthe dirt doesn't get any worse.\n\t\t-- Quentin Crisp\n"}, {"quote": "\nDelusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's\nbeauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning\nthem at birth.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo not handicap your children by making their lives easy.\n\t\t-- Robert Heinlein\n"}, {"quote": "\nFertility is hereditary.  If your parents didn't have any children,\nneither will you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor adult education nothing beats children.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5\n\n\t\"And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!\"\n\t\t-- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965\n"}, {"quote": "\nFORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6\n\n\t\"Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!\"\n\t\t-- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954\n"}, {"quote": "\nGet Revenge!  Live long enough to be a problem for your children!\n"}, {"quote": "\nGive a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters\nneeds pounding.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGive your child mental blocks for Christmas.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHaving children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.\n\t\t-- Martin Mull\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's \"See?\"\n\t\t-- Linus Van Pelt\n"}, {"quote": "\nI called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference.\nThey're still living in the fifties.\n\t\t-- Strange de Jim\n"}, {"quote": "\nI hate babies.  They're so human.\n\t\t-- H.H. Munro\n"}, {"quote": "\nI know what \"custody\" [of the children] means.  \"Get even.\"  That's all\ncustody means.  Get even with your old lady.\n\t\t-- Lenny Bruce\n"}, {"quote": "\nI love children.  Especially when they cry -- for then someone takes them away.\n\t\t-- Nancy Mitford\n"}, {"quote": "\nI tell ya, I was an ugly kid.  I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's\npicture that came with the wallet he bought.\n\t\t-- Rodney Dangerfield\n"}, {"quote": "\nI told my kids, \"Someday, you'll have kids of your own.\"  One of them said,\n\"So will you.\"\n\t\t-- Rodney Dangerfield\n"}, {"quote": "\nI used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because\nI no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no\nmore mature than I am.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know\nanything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is\na child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows up.\n\t\t-- Will Rogers\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair.  If this doesn't\nwork, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf parents would only realize how they bore their children.\n\t\t-- G.B. Shaw\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.\n\t\t-- Nora Ephron, \"Heartburn\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf the very old will remember, the very young will listen.\n\t\t-- Chief Dan George\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.\n\t\t-- Bette Davis\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf your mother knew what you're doing, she'd probably hang her head and cry.\n"}, {"quote": "\nInsanity is hereditary.  You get it from your kids.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is better to remain childless than to father an orphan.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children.\n\t\t-- Kingsley Amis\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for.\n\t\t-- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt must have been some unmarried fool that said \"A child can ask questions\nthat a wise man cannot answer\"; because, in any decent house, a brat that\nstarts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed.\n\t\t-- Arthur Binstead\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's never too late to have a happy childhood.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLies!  All lies!  You're all lying against my boys!\n\t\t-- Ma Barker\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth.\nIt begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is a sexually transmitted disease with 100"}, {"quote": " mortality.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is like a diaper -- short and loaded.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLiterature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children.\nLife is the other way around.\n\t\t-- David Lodge, \"The British Museum is Falling Down\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nMaturity is only a short break in adolescence.\n\t\t-- Jules Feiffer\n"}, {"quote": "\nMay you have many beautiful and obedient daughters.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMay you have many handsome and obedient sons.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMicrowaves frizz your heir.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.\n\t\t-- Iphicrates\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.\n\t\t-- Groucho Marx\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy mother once said to me, \"Elwood,\" (she always called me Elwood)\n\"Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant.\"\nFor years I tried smart.  I recommend pleasant.\n\t\t-- Elwood P. Dowde, \"Harvey\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy mother wants grandchildren, so I said, \"Mom, go for it!\"\n\t\t-- Sue Murphy\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy mother was a test tube; my father was a knife.\n\t\t-- Friday\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy parents went to Niagara Falls and all I got was this crummy life.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be\ntolerated until they acquire some sense.\n\t\t-- William Phelps\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever have children, only grandchildren.\n\t\t-- Gore Vidal\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.\n\t\t-- Erma Bombeck\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection\nunprotected.\n\t\t-- Robert Orben\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever trust a child farther than you can throw it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for\nsigns of improvement.\n\t\t-- Florida Scott-Maxwell\n"}, {"quote": "\nNobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in order\nfor presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the substance of\ntheir people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old.\n\t\t-- Lewis Lapham\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.\n\t\t-- George Herbert\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old\nenough to give you presents they make at school.\n\t\t-- Robert Byrne\n"}, {"quote": "\nOnly adults have difficulty with childproof caps.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOut of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.\n"}, {"quote": "\nParents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn't have\nmuch of anything to do with it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPlease, Mother!  I'd rather do it myself!\n"}, {"quote": "\nReinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child.\n\t\t-- Thomas Berger\n"}, {"quote": "\nRemember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when\nyou will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.\n\t\t-- Fran Lebowitz, \"Social Studies\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nSnow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore\nthem long enough.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSomewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth\nto a child.  She must be found and stopped.\n\t\t-- Sam Levenson\n"}, {"quote": "\nTeach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when they grow up,\nthey won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTest-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThat all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers.\n\t\t-- Charles Chincholles, \"Pensees de tout le monde\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older\npeople, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood.\n\t\t-- Logan Pearsall Smith\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable\nChristian forbearance among men.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half\nby our children.\n\t\t-- Clarence Darrow\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the\nnumber of your kids by thirty-two teeth.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe future is a myth created by insurance salesmen and high school counselors.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got\nto be good.\n\t\t-- John Barrymore\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe idea is to die young as late as possible.\n\t\t-- Ashley Montague\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe modern child will answer you back before you've said anything.\n\t\t-- Laurence J. Peter\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon.\"\n\t\t-- Charles Schulz, \"Things I've Had to Learn Over and\n\t\t   Over and Over\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe real reason large families benefit society is because at least\na few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four\nand eighteen.  At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it.\"\n\t\t-- C. S. Lewis, \"The Chronicles of Narnia\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.\n\t\t-- Dr. Who\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't aggravate.\n"}, {"quote": "\nToddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTroubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tTwo parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the\nocean.  After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop,\n\"We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized\nbefore we are fit to participate in society.\n\t\t-- Judith Martin, \"Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly\n\t\t   Correct Behaviour\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe are the people our parents warned us about.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat's done to children, they will do to society.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen childhood dies, its corpses are called adults.\n\t\t-- Brian Aldiss\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father.  By the time I was\n20, he had made great improvement.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you were born, a big chance was taken for you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them?\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can learn many things from children.  How much patience you have,\nfor instance.\n\t\t-- Franklin P. Jones\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can't hug a child with nuclear arms.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYouth is such a wonderful thing.  What a crime to waste it on children.\n\t\t-- George Bernard Shaw\n"}, {"quote": "\nYouth is the trustee of posterity.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYouth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is\nwhen you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYouth.  It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.\n\t\t-- Ben Franklin\n"}, {"quote": "\nA doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested\nwaters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The\nlawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks.  \"Professional\ncourtesy,\" he explained.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to\na fund for his funeral.  The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate\na shilling.  \"Only a shilling?\" exclaimed the man. \"Only a shilling to bury\nan attorney?  Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nA friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates lawyers more than he\nhates his wife.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.\n\t\t-- Robert Frost\n"}, {"quote": "\nA Los Angeles judge ruled that \"a citizen may snore with immunity in\nhis own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and\nexceptional ability in that particular field.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tA Los Angeles judge ruled that \"a citizen may snore with immunity in\nhis own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional\nability in that particular field.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tA man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,\n\"Do you serve lawyers here?\".\n\t\"Sure do,\" replied the bartender.\n\t\"Good,\" said the man.  \"Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for\nmy 'gator.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tA New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the\nmovies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the\nright to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the\nrear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may\nnot kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized rosewater.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAccording to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest:  \"No person\nshall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than\nfifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening\nof the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of\nthe returns.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAccording to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least\nonce a year.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded summation,\nleaned over the bench and remarked, \"I've heard your arguments, Sir\nGeoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!\" Sir Geoffrey responded, \"That may be,\nMilord, but at least you're better informed!\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnd then there was the lawyer that stepped in cow manure and thought\nhe was melting...\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnother day, another dollar.\n\t\t-- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley,\n\t\t   upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald\n\t\t   Reagan.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAtlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole\nor street lamp.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBe frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse\nthe issue afterwards.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBehold the warranty -- the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeing a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to\ndo your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with\nthe judges.\n\t\t-- Beyond the Fringe\n"}, {"quote": "\nBetween grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCarmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and\ntrousers that don't match.\n"}, {"quote": "\nChicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDiogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. \"How's it going?\", someone\nasked him, after a few days.\n\t\"Not too bad\", replied Diogenes. \"I still have my lantern.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nDistrict of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape\ninjury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any\ndamage inflicted on the vehicle.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDivorce is a game played by lawyers.\n\t\t-- Cary Grant\n"}, {"quote": "\nDoctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with\nlittle sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.\n\t\t-- Roy G. Blount, Jr.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North\nCarolina.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.\n\t\t-- Gore Vidal\n"}, {"quote": "\nFortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:\n\nWe can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be\nleft out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it\nseems to us that someone has been very careless.\n\t\t-- 78 So. 365.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18:\n\nQ:  Are you married?\nA:  No, I'm divorced.\nQ:  And what did your husband do before you divorced him?\nA:  A lot of things I didn't know about.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19:\n\nQ:  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?\nA:  All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25:\n\nQ:  You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you,\n    and you didn't scream?\nA:  No ma'am.\nQ:  Does that mean you consented?\nA:  No, ma'am.  That means I was unconscious.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29:\n\nTHE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present\n\t   information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nFortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32:\n\nQ:  Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?\nA:  I will be three months November 8th.\nQ:  Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?\nA:  Yes.\nQ:  What were you and your husband doing at that time?\n"}, {"quote": "\nFortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37:\n\nQ:  Did he pick the dog up by the ears?\nA:  No.\nQ:  What was he doing with the dog's ears?\nA:  Picking them up in the air.\nQ:  Where was the dog at this time?\nA:  Attached to the ears.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41:\n\nQ:  Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?\nA:  By death.\nQ:  And by whose death was it terminated?\n"}, {"quote": "\nFortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:\n\nQ:  What is your name?\nA:  Ernestine McDowell.\nQ:  And what is your marital status?\nA:  Fair.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7:\n\nQ:  What happened then?\nA:  He told me, he says, \"I have to kill you because you can identify me.\"\nQ:  Did he kill you?\nA:  No.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFrankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a policeman's tie.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGetting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked\nout of the Book-of-the-Month Club.\n\t\t-- Melvin Belli on the occcasion of his getting kicked out\n\t\t   of the American Bar Association\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tGod decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences\nonce and for all.\n\tWhen Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, \"And just where do you\nthink you're going to find a lawyer?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tHorses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tHow do you insult a lawyer?\n\tYou might as well not even try.  Consider: of all the highly\ntrained and educated professions, law is the only one in which the prime\nlesson is that *winning* is more important than *truth*.\n\tOnce someone has sunk to that level, what worse can you say about them?\n"}, {"quote": "\nHumor in th Court:\nQ: Do you drink when you're on duty?\nA: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHumor in the Court:\nQ.  And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral.  O.K.? What school do \n    you go to?\nA.  Oral.\nQ.  How old are you?\nA.  Oral.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHumor in the Court:\nQ.  And who is this person you are speaking of?\nA.  My ex-widow said it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHumor in the Court:\nQ.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?\nA.  I refuse to answer that question.\nQ.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?\nA.  I refuse to answer that question.\nQ.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?\nA.  No.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHumor in the Court:\nQ.  Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?\nA.  No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHumor in the Court:\nQ.  How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?\nA.  Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, \n    and said he was really good.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHumor in the Court:\nQ.  Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition \n    notice which I sent to your attorney?\nA.  No.  This is how I dress when I go to work.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHumor in the Court:\nQ.  Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?\nA.  I should be.\nQ.  How many times have you comitted suicide?\nA.  Four times.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHumor in the Court:\nQ.  Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?\nA.  Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHumor in the Court:\nQ.  Were you aquainted with the deceased?\nA.  Yes, sir.\nQ.  Before or after he died?\n"}, {"quote": "\nHumor in the Court:\nQ: (Showing man picture.) That's you?\nA: Yes, sir.\nQ: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?\n"}, {"quote": "\nHumor in the Court:\nQ: ...and what did he do then?\nA: He came home, and next morning he was dead.\nQ: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?\n"}, {"quote": "\nHumor in the Court:\nQ: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial \n   instead of an attempted murder trial?\nA: The victim lived.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHumor in the Court:\nQ: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?\nA: Yes, I have been since early childhood.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHumor in the Court:\nQ: Are you sexually active?\nA: No, I just lie there.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHumor in the Court:\nQ: Could you see him from where you were standing?\nA: I could see his head.\nQ: And where was his head?\nA: Just above his shoulders.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHumor in the Court:\nQ: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?\nA: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHumor in the Court:\nQ: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was\n   a victim?\n"}, {"quote": "\nHumor in the Court:\nQ: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective \n   witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?\nA: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHumor in the Court:\nQ: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?\nA: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch--and \n   she did!\n"}, {"quote": "\nHumor in the Court:\nQ: What is the meaning of sperm being present?\nA: It indicates intercourse.\nQ: Male sperm?\nA. That is the only kind I know.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHumor in the Court:\nQ: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?\nA: She is my daughter.\nQ: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?\n"}, {"quote": "\nI need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.\n\t\t-- Fratianno\n"}, {"quote": "\nI remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some\nkind of loophole.\n\t\t-- Leo Kessler\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tIdaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart\na box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it\nis certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.\n\t\t-- Joseph C. Goulden\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the\nseparation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience,\nit might well prolong his life.\n\t\t-- Charles Darling, \"Scintillae Juris, 1877\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think\nlittle of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and\nSabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination.\"\n\t\t-- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.\n\t\t-- Tom Wicker\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three\nyears left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law\nschool, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.\n\t\t-- Michael Levin, \"The Socratic Method\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own\nat least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle\na female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order\nto get her attention.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride\nin any motor vehicle.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on\nthe sidewalks when a concert is on.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your pocket.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any\npilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while\neither flying or waiting to board a plane.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tIn Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless\nthere is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red\nflag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as\nto publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the\nspeaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds\nand attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that \"The carrying\nof concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public view.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that\nis over six feet in length.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a\nmoving automobile.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without\nthe supervision of a licensed engineer.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse\nalong at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of\nindulgence for infanticide.  A question of interest, my dear Sir!  The jury\nis afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim\nof infanticide.\n\t\t-- Edmond About\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of\nUrbana, Illinois.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood\nBoulevard at one time.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is illegal to say \"Oh, Boy\" in Jonesboro, Georgia.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong.  Our\noffense consists in doubting it.\n\t\t-- Justice Robert H. Jackson\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing,\neach shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other\nhas gone.\n"}, {"quote": " accurate, and totally\nuseless!\"\n\nThat's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about\nGeorge and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the\nNew York Times: \"Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer\".\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the municipality.\n\t\t-- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.\n"}, {"quote": "\nJudges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that\nreckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away\nsomeone else's cash.\n\t\t-- P.G. Wodehouse, \"Louder and Funnier\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nJust remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to\ntwelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!\n"}, {"quote": "\nKansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to\nwear tail lights.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through\nany of its streets.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKnow how to save 5 drowning lawyers?\n\n-- No?\n\nGOOD!\n"}, {"quote": "\nLaws are like sausages.  It's better not to see them being made.\n\t\t-- Otto von Bismarck\n"}, {"quote": "\nLegislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907:\n\t\"Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour\nunless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a\ndrink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he can.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nLet us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.\n"}, {"quote": "\n... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and legally ... \nimpeccable!\n"}, {"quote": "\nLoud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in Halstead, Kansas.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMarijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students\nwho now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize\nit in order to protect themselves.\n\t\t-- Lenny Bruce\n"}, {"quote": "\nMen often believe -- or pretend -- that the \"Law\" is something sacred, or\nat least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMinors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap pistols;\nthey may buy shotguns freely, however.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever put off until tomorrow what you can do today.  There might be a\nlaw against it by that time.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNew Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in\nany way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOf ______\b\b\b\b\b\bcourse it's the murder weapon.  Who would frame someone with a fake?\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\t\tPittsburgh Driver's Test\n\n(8) Pedestrians are\n\n\t(a) irrelevant.\n\t(b) communists.\n\t(c) a nuisance.\n\t(d) difficult to clean off the front grille.\n\nThe correct answer is (a).  Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are\ntotally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely.\n"}, {"quote": "\nShe cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.\n\t\t-- Tommy Manville\n"}, {"quote": "\nSho' they got to have it against the law.  Shoot, ever'body git high,\nthey wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens.  Hee-hee.\n\t\t-- Terry Southern\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think\nabout sex at all... they become lawyers.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nSometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a\nfool is despised only because he is a lawyer.\n\t\t-- Montesquieu\n"}, {"quote": "\nTexas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither\ndoctors nor lawyers.\n\t\t-- L. Docquier\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tThe Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas\nRiver can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards,\nspecifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of\nrise per foot of run.  A compromise, I imagine...\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe difference between a lawyer and a rooster is that\nthe rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on\na balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tThe judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was\ncaught again, he would be thrown in jail.  Fine today, cooler tomorrow.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor,\nto sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.\n\t\t-- Anatole France\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance.  He of all men\nshould behave as though the law compelled him.  But it is the universal\nweakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine\nwe own.\n\t\t-- H.G. Wells\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it\nwere not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.\n\t\t-- H. L. Mencken\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor\nprohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively,\nor to the people.\n\t\t-- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights)\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough\nvoters to win the next election.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs\ntied during the month of April.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law.\nNo poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.\n\t\t-- Jean Giraudoux, \"Tiger at the Gates\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is no doubt that my lawyer is honest.  For example, when he\nfiled his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary\nas 'unearned income.'\n\t\t-- Michael Lara\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial:\nboth sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to\ntalk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him\nduring the trial.\"\n\t\t-- David Letterman\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's no justice in this world.\n\t\t-- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of \"Lucky\" Luciano by\n\t\t   New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after Luciano had\n\t\t   saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch Schultz (by ordering\n\t\t   the assassination of Schultz instead)\n"}, {"quote": "\nVirginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the yard.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWelcome to Utah.\nIf you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear!\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?\nNot enough sand.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhere it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to\nexamine the laws of heat.\n\t\t-- Christopher Morley\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?\n\t\t-- Carl Sandburg\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have\nmore lawyers?\n\nNew Jersey had first choice.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWith Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time\nthey make a law it's a joke.\n\t\t-- Will Rogers\n"}, {"quote": "\nA Linux machine! because a 486 is a terrible thing to waste!\n(By jjs@wintermute.ucr.edu, Joe Sloan)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"A word to the wise: a credentials dicksize war is usually a bad idea on the\nnet.\"\n(David Parsons in c.o.l.development.system, about coding in C.)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Absolutely nothing should be concluded from these figures except that\nno conclusion can be drawn from them.\"\n(By Joseph L. Brothers, Linux/PowerPC Project)\n"}, {"quote": "\nActually, typing random strings in the Finder does the equivalent of\nfilename completion.\n(Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of commands: file\ncompletion vs. the Mac Finder.)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"All language designers are arrogant.  Goes with the territory...\"\n(By Larry Wall)\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnd 1.1.81 is officially BugFree(tm), so if you receive any bug-reports\non it, you know they are just evil lies.\"\n(By Linus Torvalds, Linus.Torvalds@cs.helsinki.fi)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"...and scantily clad females, of course.  Who cares if it's below zero\noutside\"\n(By Linus Torvalds)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"And the next time you consider complaining that running Lucid Emacs\n19.05 via NFS from a remote Linux machine in Paraguay doesn't seem to\nget the background colors right, you'll know who to thank.\"\n(By Matt Welsh)\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnyone who thinks UNIX is intuitive should be forced to write 5000 lines of \ncode using nothing but vi or emacs. AAAAACK!\n(Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of commands, especially\nEmacs.)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Are [Linux users] lemmings collectively jumping off of the cliff of\nreliable, well-engineered commercial software?\"\n(By Matt Welsh)\n"}, {"quote": "\nAs usual, this being a 1.3.x release, I haven't even compiled this\nkernel yet.  So if it works, you should be doubly impressed.\n(Linus Torvalds, announcing kernel 1.3.3 on the linux-kernel mailing list.)\n"}, {"quote": "\nAvoid the Gates of Hell.  Use Linux\n(Unknown source)\n"}, {"quote": "\nBe warned that typing \\fBkillall \\fIname\\fP may not have the desired\neffect on non-Linux systems, especially when done by a privileged user.\n(From the killall manual page)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Besides, I think [Slackware] sounds better than 'Microsoft,' don't you?\"\n(By Patrick Volkerding)\n"}, {"quote": "\nBut what can you do with it?  -- ubiquitous cry from Linux-user partner.\n(Submitted by Andy Pearce, ajp@hpopd.pwd.hp.com)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"By golly, I'm beginning to think Linux really *is* the best thing since\nsliced bread.\"\n(By Vance Petree, Virginia Power)\n"}, {"quote": "\n/*\n * Oops. The kernel tried to access some bad page. We'll have to\n * terminate things with extreme prejudice.\n*/\ndie_if_kernel(\"Oops\", regs, error_code);\n(From linux/arch/i386/mm/fault.c)\t\t\t\t   \n"}, {"quote": "\n\"...Deep Hack Mode--that mysterious and frightening state of\nconsciousness where Mortal Users fear to tread.\"\n(By Matt Welsh)\n"}, {"quote": "\nDijkstra probably hates me\n(Linus Torvalds, in kernel/sched.c)\n"}, {"quote": "\nDOS: n., A small annoying boot virus that causes random spontaneous system\n     crashes, usually just before saving a massive project.  Easily cured by\n     UNIX.  See also MS-DOS, IBM-DOS, DR-DOS.\n(from David Vicker's .plan)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Even more amazing was the realization that God has Internet access.  I\nwonder if He has a full newsfeed?\"\n(By Matt Welsh)\n"}, {"quote": "\n>Ever heard of .cshrc?\nThat's a city in Bosnia.  Right?\n(Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of commands.)\n"}, {"quote": "\nFatal Error: Found [MS-Windows] System -> Repartitioning Disk for Linux...\n(By cbbrown@io.org, Christopher Browne)\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow do I type \"for i in *.dvi do xdvi i done\" in a GUI?\n(Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of interfaces.)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"How should I know if it works?  That's what beta testers are for.  I only\ncoded it.\"\n(Attributed to Linus Torvalds, somewhere in a posting)\n"}, {"quote": "\n----==-- _                     / /  \\\n---==---(_)__  __ ____  __    / / /\\ \\\n--==---/ / _ \\/ // /\\ \\/ /   / /_/\\ \\ \\\n-=====/_/_//_/\\_,_/ /_/\\_\\  /______\\ \\ \\\nA proud member of TeamLinux \\_________\\/\n(By CHaley (HAC), haley@unm.edu, ch008cth@pi.lanl.gov)\n"}, {"quote": "\nI develop for Linux for a living, I used to develop for DOS.\nGoing from DOS to Linux is like trading a glider for an F117.\n(By entropy@world.std.com, Lawrence Foard)\n"}, {"quote": "\nI did this 'cause Linux gives me a woody.  It doesn't generate revenue.\n(Dave '-ddt->` Taylor, announcing DOOM for Linux)\n"}, {"quote": "\nFeel free to contact me (flames about my english and the useless of this\ndriver will be redirected to /dev/null, oh no, it's full...).\n(Michael Beck, describing the PC-speaker sound device)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I don't know why, but first C programs tend to look a lot worse than\nfirst programs in any other language (maybe except for fortran, but then\nI suspect all fortran programs look like `firsts')\"\n(By Olaf Kirch)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I once witnessed a long-winded, month-long flamewar over the use of\nmice vs. trackballs...It was very silly.\"\n(By Matt Welsh)\n"}, {"quote": "\nI still maintain the point that designing a monolithic kernel in 1991 is a\nfundamental error.  Be thankful you are not my student.  You would not get a\nhigh grade for such a design :-)\n(Andrew Tanenbaum to Linus Torvalds)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I would rather spend 10 hours reading someone else's source code than\n10 minutes listening to Musak waiting for technical support which isn't.\"\n(By Dr. Greg Wettstein, Roger Maris Cancer Center)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I'd crawl over an acre of 'Visual This++' and 'Integrated Development\nThat' to get to gcc, Emacs, and gdb.  Thank you.\"\n(By Vance Petree, Virginia Power)\n"}, {"quote": "\nI've run DOOM more in the last few days than I have the last few\nmonths.  I just love debugging ;-)\n(Linus Torvalds)\n"}, {"quote": "\n    if (argc > 1 && strcmp(argv[1], \"-advice\") == 0) {\n\tprintf(\"Don't Panic!\\n\");\n\texit(42);\n    }\n(Arnold Robbins in the LJ of February '95, describing RCS)\n"}, {"quote": "\n+#if defined(__alpha__) && defined(CONFIG_PCI)\n+       /*\n+        * The meaning of life, the universe, and everything. Plus\n+        * this makes the year come out right.\n+        */\n+       year -= 42;\n+#endif\n(From the patch for 1.3.2: (kernel/time.c), submitted by Marcus Meissner)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If the future navigation system [for interactive networked services on\nthe NII] looks like something from Microsoft, it will never work.\"\n(Chairman of Walt Disney Television & Telecommunications)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If you want to travel around the world and be invited to speak at a lot\nof different places, just write a Unix operating system.\"\n(By Linus Torvalds)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"[In 'Doctor' mode], I spent a good ten minutes telling Emacs what I\nthought of it.  (The response was, 'Perhaps you could try to be less\nabusive.')\"\n(By Matt Welsh)\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn most countries selling harmful things like drugs is punishable.\nThen howcome people can sell Microsoft software and go unpunished?\n(By hasku@rost.abo.fi, Hasse Skrifvars)\n"}, {"quote": "\nIntel engineering seem to have misheard Intel marketing strategy. The phrase\nwas \"Divide and conquer\" not \"Divide and cock up\"\n(By iialan@www.linux.org.uk, Alan Cox)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"It's God.  No, not Richard Stallman, or Linus Torvalds, but God.\"\n(By Matt Welsh)\n"}, {"quote": "\nLILO, you've got me on my knees!\n(from David Black, dblack@pilot.njin.net, with apologies to Derek and the\nDominos, and Werner Almsberger)\n"}, {"quote": "\nLinux is obsolete\n(Andrew Tanenbaum)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Linux poses a real challenge for those with a taste for late-night\nhacking (and/or conversations with God).\"\n(By Matt Welsh)\n"}, {"quote": "\nLinux!  Guerrilla UNIX Development     Venimus, Vidimus, Dolavimus.\n(By mah@ka4ybr.com, Mark A. Horton KA4YBR)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"...[Linux's] capacity to talk via any medium except smoke signals.\"\n(By Dr. Greg Wettstein, Roger Maris Cancer Center)\n"}, {"quote": "\nlinux: because a PC is a terrible thing to waste\n(ksh@cis.ufl.edu put this on Tshirts in '93)\n"}, {"quote": "\nLinux: Because a PC is a terrible thing to waste.\n(By komarimf@craft.camp.clarkson.edu, Mark Komarinski)\n"}, {"quote": "\nlinux: the choice of a GNU generation\n(ksh@cis.ufl.edu put this on Tshirts in '93)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Linux: the operating system with a CLUE...\nCommand Line User Environment\".\n(seen in a posting in comp.software.testing)\n"}, {"quote": "\nlp1 on fire\n(One of the more obfuscated kernel messages)\n"}, {"quote": "\nMicrosoft is not the answer.\nMicrosoft is the question.\nNO (or Linux) is the answer.\n(Taken from a .signature from someone from the UK, source unknown)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"MSDOS didn't get as bad as it is overnight -- it took over ten years\nof careful development.\"\n(By dmeggins@aix1.uottawa.ca)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Never make any mistaeks.\"\n(Anonymous, in a mail discussion about to a kernel bug report.)\n"}, {"quote": "\n> No manual is ever necessary.\nMay I politely interject here: BULLSHIT.  That's the biggest Apple lie of all!\n(Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of interfaces.)\n"}, {"quote": "\nNot me, guy. I read the Bash man page each day like a Jehovah's Witness reads\nthe Bible. No wait, the Bash man page IS the bible. Excuse me...\n(More on confusing aliases, taken from comp.os.linux.misc)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Note that if I can get you to \\\"su and say\\\" something just by asking,\nyou have a very serious security problem on your system and you should\nlook into it.\"\n(By Paul Vixie, vixie-cron 3.0.1 installation notes)\n"}, {"quote": "\nNow I know someone out there is going to claim, \"Well then, UNIX is intuitive,\nbecause you only need to learn 5000 commands, and then everything else follows\nfrom that! Har har har!\"\n(Andy Bates in comp.os.linux.misc, on \"intuitive interfaces\", slightly\ndefending Macs.)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Oh, I've seen copies [of Linux Journal] around the terminal room at The\nLabs.\"\n(By Dennis Ritchie)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"On a normal ascii line, the only safe condition to detect is a 'BREAK'\n- everything else having been assigned functions by Gnu EMACS.\"\n(By Tarl Neustaedter)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"On the Internet, no one knows you're using Windows NT\"\n(Submitted by Ramiro Estrugo, restrugo@fateware.com)\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are no threads in a.b.p.erotica,  so there's no  gain in using a\nthreaded news reader.\n(Unknown source)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Problem solving under linux has never been the circus that it is under\nAIX.\"\n(By Pete Ehlke in comp.unix.aix)\n"}, {"quote": "\nquit   When the quit statement is read, the  bc  processor\n       is  terminated, regardless of where the quit state-\n       ment is found.  For example, \"if  (0  ==  1)  quit\"\n       will cause bc to terminate.\n(Seen in the manpage for \"bc\". Note the \"if\" statement's logic)\n"}, {"quote": "\nRunning Windows on a Pentium is like having a brand new Porsche but only\nbe able to drive backwards with the handbrake on.\n(Unknown source)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"sic transit discus mundi\"\n(From the System Administrator's Guide, by Lars Wirzenius)\n"}, {"quote": "\nSigh.  I like to think it's just the Linux people who want to be on\nthe \"leading edge\" so bad they walk right off the precipice.\n(Craig E. Groeschel)\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe chat program is in public domain. This is not the GNU public license. If\nit breaks then you get to keep both pieces.\n(Copyright notice for the chat program)\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe nice thing about Windows is - It does not just crash, it displays a\ndialog box and lets you press 'OK' first.\n(Arno Schaefer's .sig)\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only \"intuitive\" interface is the nipple. After that, it's all learned.\n(Bruce Ediger, bediger@teal.csn.org, in comp.os.linux.misc, on X interfaces.)\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are two types of Linux developers - those who can spell, and\nthose who can't. There is a constant pitched battle between the two.\n(From one of the post-1.1.54 kernel update messages posted to c.o.l.a)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"...Unix, MS-DOS, and Windows NT (also known as the Good, the Bad, and\nthe Ugly).\"\n(By Matt Welsh)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"...very few phenomena can pull someone out of Deep Hack Mode, with two\nnoted exceptions: being struck by lightning, or worse, your *computer*\nbeing struck by lightning.\"\n(By Matt Welsh)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Waving away a cloud of smoke, I look up, and am blinded by a bright, white\nlight. It's God. No, not Richard Stallman, or Linus Torvalds, but God. In\na booming voice, He says: \"THIS IS A SIGN. USE LINUX, THE FREE UNIX SYSTEM\nFOR THE 386.\"\n(Matt Welsh)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"We all know Linux is great...it does infinite loops in 5 seconds.\"\n(Linus Torvalds about the superiority of Linux on the Amterdam\nLinux Symposium)\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe are MicroSoft.  You will be assimilated.  Resistance is futile.\n(Attributed to B.G., Gill Bates)\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe are Pentium of Borg. Division is futile. You will be approximated.\n(seen in someone's .signature)\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe are using Linux daily to UP our productivity - so UP yours!\n(Adapted from Pat Paulsen by Joe Sloan)\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe come to bury DOS, not to praise it.\n(Paul Vojta, vojta@math.berkeley.edu, paraphrasing a quote of Shakespeare)\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe use Linux for all our mission-critical applications. Having the source code\nmeans that we are not held hostage by anyone's support department.\n(Russell Nelson, President of Crynwr Software)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"What you end up with, after running an operating system concept through\nthese many marketing coffee filters, is something not unlike plain hot\nwater.\"\n(By Matt Welsh)\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat's this script do?\n    unzip ; touch ; finger ; mount ; gasp ; yes ; umount ; sleep\nHint for the answer: not everything is computer-oriented. Sometimes you're\nin a sleeping bag, camping out.\n(Contributed by Frans van der Zande.)\n"}, {"quote": "\n`When you say \"I wrote a program that crashed Windows\", people just stare at\nyou blankly and say \"Hey, I got those with the system, *for free*\".'\n(By Linus Torvalds)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Whip me.  Beat me.  Make me maintain AIX.\"\n(By Stephan Zielinski)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk ?\"\nMicrosoft spel chekar vor sail, worgs grate !!\n(By leitner@inf.fu-berlin.de, Felix von Leitner)\n"}, {"quote": "\nWho wants to remember that escape-x-alt-control-left shift-b puts you into\nsuper-edit-debug-compile mode?\n(Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of commands, especially\nEmacs.)\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy use Windows, since there is a door?\n(By fachat@galileo.rhein-neckar.de, Andre Fachat)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"World domination.  Fast\"\n(By Linus Torvalds)\n"}, {"quote": "\n..you could spend *all day* customizing the title bar.  Believe me.  I\nspeak from experience.\"\n(By Matt Welsh)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"...you might as well skip the Xmas celebration completely, and instead\nsit in front of your linux computer playing with the\nall-new-and-improved linux kernel version.\"\n(By Linus Torvalds)\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour job is being a professor and researcher: That's one hell of a good excuse\nfor some of the brain-damages of minix.\n(Linus Torvalds to Andrew Tanenbaum)\n"}, {"quote": "\nA banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining\nand wants it back the minute it begins to rain.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nA classic is something that everyone wants to have read\nand nobody wants to read.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain, \"The Disappearance of Literature\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nA horse!  A horse!  My kingdom for a horse!\n\t\t-- Wm. Shakespeare, \"Henry VI\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nA hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] \"The\nJumping Frog\" alone will be remembered.\n\t\t-- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of \"The Bookman\"), January 1901.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA is for Apple.\n\t\t-- Hester Pryne\n"}, {"quote": "\nA kind of Batman of contemporary letters.\n\t\t-- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess\n"}, {"quote": "\nA light wife doth make a heavy husband.\n\t\t-- Wm. Shakespeare, \"The Merchant of Venice\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tA man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his\nwife asked \"What have you got there?\"  Replied he, \"Just my cup and Chaucer.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he\nwas waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nAfter all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.\n\t\t-- H.L. Mencken, on Shakespeare\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlas, how love can trifle with itself!\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"The Two Gentlemen of Verona\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll generalizations are false, including this one.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that\nmakes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and \nan end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.\n\t\t-- Samuel Beckett\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll say, \"How hard it is that we have to die\"--a strange complaint to come from\nthe mouths of people who have had to live.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain, \"Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"... all the modern inconveniences ...\"\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.\n\t\t-- Shakespeare, \"Merchant of Venice\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlways do right.  This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlways the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"As You Like It\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often\npicturesque liar.\"\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn honest tale speeds best being plainly told.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"Henry VI\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnd do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnyone who has had a bull by the tail knows five or six more things\nthan someone who hasn't.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nApril 1\n\nThis is the day upon which we are reminged of what we are on the other three\nhundred and sixty-four.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain, \"Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAs flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.\n\t\t-- Shakespeare, \"King Lear\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAs to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain, \"Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE!\n\tFEAR! FIRE! FOES!\n\t\tAWAKE! AWAKE!\n\t\t-- J. R. R. Tolkien\n"}, {"quote": "\nBe careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nBehold, the fool saith, \"Put not all thine eggs in the one basket\"--which is\nbut a manner of saying, \"Scatter your money and your attention;\" but the wise\nman saith, \"Put all your eggs in the one basket and--WATCH THAT BASKET.\"\n\t\t-- Mark Twain, \"Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nBig book, big bore.\n\t\t-- Callimachus\n"}, {"quote": "\nBut, for my own part, it was Greek to me.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"Julius Caesar\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nBy trying we can easily learn to endure adversity.  Another man's, I mean.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nCivilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nClothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nCondense soup, not books!\n"}, {"quote": "\nConscience doth make cowards of us all.\n\t\t-- Shakespeare\n"}, {"quote": "\nConsider well the proportions of things.  It is better to be a young June-bug\nthan an old bird of paradise.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain, \"Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nDelay not, Caesar.  Read it instantly.\n\t\t-- Shakespeare, \"Julius Caesar\" 3,1\n \nHere is a letter, read it at your leisure.\n\t\t-- Shakespeare, \"Merchant of Venice\" 5,1\n \n\t[Quoted in \"VMS Internals and Data Structures\", V4.4, when\n\t referring to I/O system services.]\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't go around saying the world owes you a living.  The world owes you\nnothing.  It was here first.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Elves and Dragons!\" I says to him.  \"Cabbages and potatoes are better\nfor you and me.\"\n\t\t-- J. R. R. Tolkien\n"}, {"quote": "\nEnglish literature's performing flea.\n\t\t-- Sean O'Casey on P.G. Wodehouse\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvery cloud engenders not a storm.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"Henry VI\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvery why hath a wherefore.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"A Comedy of Errors\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nExtreme fear can neither fight nor fly.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"The Rape of Lucrece\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nF.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway:\n\t\"Ernest, the rich are different from us.\"\nHemingway:\n\t\"Yes.  They have more money.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nFame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is\noblivion.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nFamiliarity breeds contempt -- and children.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nFew things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.\n\t\t-- \"Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor a light heart lives long.\n\t\t-- Shakespeare, \"Love's Labour's Lost\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor courage mounteth with occasion.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"King John\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor there are moments when one can neither think nor feel.  And if one can\nneither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?\n\t\t-- Virginia Woolf, \"To the Lighthouse\"\n\n\t[Quoted in \"VMS Internals and Data Structures\", V4.4, when\n\t referring to powerfail recovery.]\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor years a secret shame destroyed my peace--\nI'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.\nBut now I think a thought that brings me hope:\nNeither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.\n\t\t-- Justin Richardson.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGo not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.\n\t\t-- J.R.R. Tolkien\n"}, {"quote": "\nGratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession. \nYou have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy\nofficials have gone by.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain, \"Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nGrief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must\nhave somebody to divide it with.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nHabit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed\ndown-stairs a step at a time.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain, \"Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar\n"}, {"quote": "\nHain't we got all the fools in town on our side?  And hain't that a big\nenough majority in any town?\n\t\t-- Mark Twain, \"Huckleberry Finn\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHarp not on that string.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"Henry VI\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHave a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not\nadvice, it is merely custom.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nHaving nothing, nothing can he lose.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"Henry VI\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his\nargument.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"Love's Labour's Lost\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe hath eaten me out of house and home.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"Henry IV\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe is now rising from affluence to poverty.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe jests at scars who never felt a wound.\n\t\t-- Shakespeare, \"Romeo and Juliet, II. 2\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.\n\t\t-- J.R.R. Tolkien\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe that is giddy thinks the world turns round.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"The Taming of the Shrew\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe was part of my dream, of course -- but then I was part of his dream too.\n\t\t-- Lewis Carroll\n"}, {"quote": "\nHell is empty and all the devils are here.\n\t\t-- Wm. Shakespeare, \"The Tempest\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow apt the poor are to be proud.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"Twelfth-Night\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI do desire we may be better strangers.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"As You Like It\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less\nthan half of you half as well as you deserve.\n\t\t-- J. R. R. Tolkien\n"}, {"quote": "\nI dote on his very absence.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"The Merchant of Venice\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on,\nso I woke up from sheer boredom.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have never let my schooling interfere with my education.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nI must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a\nweek sometimes to make it up.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain, \"The Innocents Abroad\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI think we are in Rats' Alley where the dead men lost their bones.\n\t\t-- T.S. Eliot\n"}, {"quote": "\nI was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'll burn my books.\n\t\t-- Christopher Marlowe\n"}, {"quote": "\nI've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;\nAnd from that full meridian of my glory\nI haste now to my setting.  I shall fall,\nLike a bright exhalation in the evening\nAnd no man see me more.\n\t\t-- Shakespeare\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would\nbe a merrier world.\n\t\t-- J.R.R. Tolkien\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use\nin reading it at all.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.\n\t\t-- Ernest Hemingway\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. \nThis is the principal difference between a dog and a man.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain, \"Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,\n\"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man.\"\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn India, \"cold weather\" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into\nuse through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather\nwhich will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but\nthe Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they\nhave obtained from books of travel.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made\nschool boards.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of\n24 hours.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain, on New England weather\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely\nthe most important.\n\t\t-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, \"A Case of Identity\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is a wise father that knows his own child.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"The Merchant of Venice\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits:\nfreedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition.  There was once a man\nwho, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that\nthere were too many prehistoric toads in it.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain, \"Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is often the case that the man who can't tell a lie thinks he is the best\njudge of one.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain, \"Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories,\nhis reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the\nworst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one\nday like any other day, only shorter.\n\t\t-- Samuel Beckett, \"Malone Dies\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion\nthat makes horse-races.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain, \"Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIts name is Public Opinion.  It is held in reverence.  It settles everything.\nSome think it is the voice of God.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nKindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nKiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"The Taming of the Shrew\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nLay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, \"Hold, enough!\".\n\t\t-- Shakespeare\n"}, {"quote": "\nLet him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.\n\t\t-- Shakespeare, \"Coriolanus\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nLet me take you a button-hole lower.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"Love's Labour's Lost\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nLet us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be\nsorry.\n\t\t-- Maek Twain, \"Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nLord, what fools these mortals be!\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"A Midsummer-Night's Dream\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nMan is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nMany a writer seems to think he is never profound except when he can't\nunderstand his own meaning.\n\t\t-- George D. Prentice\n"}, {"quote": "\nMany pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very\nvery thin paper.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMany pages make a thick book.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMust I hold a candle to my shames?\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"The Merchant of Venice\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy only love sprung from my only hate!\nToo early seen unknown, and known too late!\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"Romeo and Juliet\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever laugh at live dragons.\n\t\t-- Bilbo Baggins [J.R.R. Tolkien, \"The Hobbit\"]\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo group of professionals meets except to conspire against the public at large.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you!  Consider the furniture!\n\t\t-- Sherlock Holmes\n"}, {"quote": "\nNoise proves nothing.  Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles\nas if she laid an asteroid.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none.\"\n\t\t-- Shakespeare\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain, \"Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nO, it is excellent\nTo have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous\nTo use it like a giant.\n\t\t-- Shakespeare, \"Measure for Measure\", II, 2\n"}, {"quote": "\nOctober 12, the Discovery.\n\nIt was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss\nit.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain, \"Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nOctober.\n\nThis is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in.\n\nThe others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June,\nDecember, August, and February.\n\n\t\t-- Mark Twain, \"Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nOh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.\n\t\t-- Shakespeare\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has\nonly nine lives.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain, \"Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nPatch griefs with proverbs.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"Much Ado About Nothing\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nPerilous to all of us are the devices of an art deeper than we ourselves\npossess.\n\t\t-- Gandalf the Grey [J.R.R. Tolkien, \"Lord of the Rings\"]\n"}, {"quote": "\nPersons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;\npersons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting\nto find a plot in it will be shot.  By Order of the Author\n\t\t-- Mark Twain, \"Tom Sawyer\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nquestion = ( to ) ? be : ! be;\n\t\t-- Wm. Shakespeare\n"}, {"quote": "\nReader, suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of\nCongress.  But I repeat myself.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nRebellion lay in his way, and he found it.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"Henry IV\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nRemark of Dr. Baldwin's concerning upstarts: We don't care to eat toadstools\nthat think they are truffles.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain, \"Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nRepartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nROMEO:\t\tCourage, man; the hurt cannot be much.\nMERCUTIO:\tNo, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide\n\t\t\tas a church-door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSeeing that death, a necessary end,\nWill come when it will come.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"Julius Caesar\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nShe is not refined.  She is not unrefined.  She keeps a parrot.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nSmall things make base men proud.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"Henry VI\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nSo so is good, very good, very excellent good:\nand yet it is not; it is but so so.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"As You Like It\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nSoap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more\ndeadly in the long run.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nSomething's rotten in the state of Denmark.\n\t\t-- Shakespeare\n"}, {"quote": "\nSometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind.  Then it passes off and I'm\nas intelligent as ever.\n\t\t-- Samuel Beckett, \"Endgame\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nSteady movement is more important than speed, much of the time.  So long\nas there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental hooks\ninto, there is room for lateral movement.  Once this begins, its rate is\na matter of discretion.\n\t\t-- Corwin, Prince of Amber\n"}, {"quote": "\nSuspicion always haunts the guilty mind.\n\t\t-- Wm. Shakespeare\n"}, {"quote": "\nSwerve me?  The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails,\nwhereon my soul is grooved to run.  Over unsounded gorges, through\nthe rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush!\n\t\t-- Captain Ahab, \"Moby Dick\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nTalkers are no good doers.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"Henry VI\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nTell the truth or trump--but get the trick.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain, \"Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nTempt not a desperate man.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"Romeo and Juliet\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"Julius Caesar\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe bay-trees in our country are all wither'd\nAnd meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven;\nThe pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth\nAnd lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change.\nThese signs forerun the death or fall of kings.\n\t\t-- Wm. Shakespeare, \"Richard II\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe better part of valor is discretion.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"Henry IV\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"The Merchant of Venice\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference\nbetween a mermaid and a seal.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe difference between the right word and the almost right word is the\ndifference between lightning and the lightning bug.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe fashion wears out more apparel than the man.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"Much Ado About Nothing\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.\n\t\t-- Wm. Shakespeare, \"Henry VI\", Part IV\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and\nenduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to\nlend money.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain, \"Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that\nprocession but carrying a banner.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.\n\t\t-- Blaise Pascal\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe lunatic, the lover, and the poet,\nAre of imagination all compact...\n\t\t-- Wm. Shakespeare, \"A Midsummer Night's Dream\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that\nwill always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"Love's Labour's Lost\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,\nmad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,\nthe ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn\nlike fabulous yellow Roman candles.\n\t\t-- Jack Kerouac, \"On the Road\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what\nyou don't like, and do what you'd rather not.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Public is merely a multiplied \"me.\"\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe ripest fruit falls first.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"Richard II\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe smallest worm will turn being trodden on.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"Henry VI\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe surest protection against temptation is cowardice.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are more things in heaven and earth,\nHoratio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.\n\t\t-- Wm. Shakespeare, \"Hamlet\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of\npaying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling somebody out.\n\t\t-- Joan Didion, \"Slouching Towards Bethlehem\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.\n\"When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend.\"\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted\narmed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.\n\t\t-- Ernest Hemingway\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's small choice in rotten apples.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"The Taming of the Shrew\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThey have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"Love's Labour's Lost\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThey spell it \"da Vinci\" and pronounce it \"da Vinchy\".  Foreigners\nalways spell better than they pronounce.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nThings past redress and now with me past care.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"Richard II\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, which is a\nlittle ironic since we may not have one.\n\t\t-- Arthur Clarke\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis night methinks is but the daylight sick.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"The Merchant of Venice\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis was the most unkindest cut of all.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"Julius Caesar\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo be or not to be.\n\t\t-- Shakespeare\nTo do is to be.\n\t\t-- Nietzsche\nTo be is to do.\n\t\t-- Sartre\nDo be do be do.\n\t\t-- Sinatra\n"}, {"quote": "\nToo much is just enough.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain, on whiskey\n"}, {"quote": "\nTraining is everything.  The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is\nnothing but cabbage with a college education.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain, \"Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nTruth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nWagner's music is better than it sounds.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nWater, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe know all about the habits of the ant, we know all about the habits of the\nbee, but we know nothing at all about the habits of the oyster.  It seems\nalmost certain that we have been choosing the wrong time for studying the\noyster.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain, \"Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is\nin it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot\nstove-lid.  She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that\nis well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?\n\t\t-- Nero Wolfe, \"The League of Frightened Men\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat I tell you three times is true.\n\t\t-- Lewis Carroll\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working\nwhen he's staring out the window.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen angry, count four; when very angry, swear.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain, \"Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know who have gone\nto a better world, I am moved to lead a different life.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain, \"Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened\nor not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I\ncannot remember any but the things that never happened.  It is sad to\ngo to pieces like this but we all have to do it.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen in doubt, tell the truth.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.\n\t\t-- Dylan Thomas\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.\n\t\t-- Roger Zelazny, \"Doorways in the Sand\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last\nyou are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his\nAtlantic with his verb in his mouth.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain \"A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time\nto reform.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debt\nof gratitude we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of our race.  He\nbrought death into the world.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain, \"Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?  It is because we\nare not the person involved.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain, \"Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWork consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.\nPlay consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nWrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nWriting is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of paper until\ndrops of blood form on your forehead.\n\t\t-- Gene Fowler\n"}, {"quote": "\nWriting is turning one's worst moments into money.\n\t\t-- J.P. Donleavy\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive.\"\n\t\t-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, \"A Study in Scarlet\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?\"\n\t\"The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --\"\n\t\"My blushes, Watson,\" Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice.\n\t\"I was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'\"\n\t\t-- A. Conan Doyle, \"The Valley of Fear\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou may my glories and my state dispose,\nBut not my griefs; still am I king of those.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"Richard II\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the\nobvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and\nan asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.\n\t\t-- Sherlock Holmes, \"The Norwood Builder\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night\nto write.\n\t\t-- Saul Bellow\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou tread upon my patience.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"Henry IV\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tYou will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the\nAbernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the\nparsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.\n\t\t-- Sherlock Holmes\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not\noriginal and the part that is original is not good.\n\t\t-- Samuel Johnson\n"}, {"quote": "\nZounds!  I was never so bethumped with words\nsince I first called my brother's father dad.\n\t\t-- William Shakespeare, \"Kind John\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nA career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised, for the mutual\nstoppage of speech at a moment when words are superfluous.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA woman was in love with fourteen soldiers.  It was clearly platoonic.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAbsence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones,\nas the wind blows out candles and fans fires.\n\t\t-- La Rochefoucauld\n"}, {"quote": "\nAbsence in love is like water upon fire; a little quickens, but much\nextinguishes it.\n\t\t-- Hannah More\n"}, {"quote": "\nAbsence is to love what wind is to fire.  It extinguishes the small,\nit enkindles the great.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most\nridiculous ones.\n\t\t-- La Rochefoucauld\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlways there remain portions of our heart into which no one is able to enter,\ninvite them as we may.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBondage maybe, discipline never!\n\t\t-- T.K.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDistrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight acquaintance\nand without any visible reason.\n\t\t-- Lord Chesterfield\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFalling in love is a lot like dying.  You never get to do it enough to\nbecome good at it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFinish the sentence below in 25 words or less:\n\n\t\"Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ...\"\n\nMail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to:\n\n\tP.O. Box 35\n\tBaffled Greek, Michigan\n"}, {"quote": "\nGive me chastity and continence, but not just now.\n\t\t-- St. Augustine\n"}, {"quote": "\nGod is love, but get it in writing.\n\t\t-- Gypsy Rose Lee\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental\neffort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable perversion.\"\n\t\t-- Mick Farren, \"When Gravity Fails\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't\nencounter many rivals.\n\t\t-- Georg Lichtenberg, \"Aphorisms\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.\n\t\t-- The Wizard of Oz\n"}, {"quote": "\nHEY KIDS!  ANN LANDERS SAYS:\n\tBe sure it's true, when you say \"I love you\".  It's a sin to\n\ttell a lie.  Millions of hearts have been broken, just because\n\tthese words were spoken.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHis heart was yours from the first moment that you met.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow much does she love you?  Less than you'll ever know.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so.\n\t\t-- John Donne\n"}, {"quote": "\nI can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart, and provide temporary\nrelief to nymphomaniacs.\n\t\t-- Larry Lee\n"}, {"quote": "\nI don't want people to love me.  It makes for obligations.\n\t\t-- Jean Anouilh\n"}, {"quote": "\nI love you more than anything in this world.  I don't expect that will last.\n\t\t-- Elvis Costello\n"}, {"quote": "\nI love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.\n\t\t-- Roy Croft\n"}, {"quote": "\nI loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might commit\nsome act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it irresistible.\n\t\t-- Gene Wolfe, \"The Shadow of the Torturer\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI never loved another person the way I loved myself.\n\t\t-- Mae West\n"}, {"quote": "\nI think a relationship is like a shark.  It has to constantly move forward\nor it dies.  Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nI used to be Snow White, but I drifted.\n\t\t-- Mae West\n"}, {"quote": "\nI used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme\nfoolishness.  I no longer thought that.  There's nothing foolish in\nloving anyone.  Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish.\n\t\t-- Rita Mae Brown\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got\nto undo it.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in `Y.'\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my blender.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my garage door.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from\nJulian to Gregorian.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static\ncling.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my\ncottage cheese sculpture.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never came back.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to say tuned.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that\nneed worrying about.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.\n\t\t-- Bette Davis, \"Cabin in the Cotton\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?\n\t\t-- Lily Tomlin\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low\n\t\t-- Book title by Lewis Grizzard\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf only you knew she loved you, you could face the uncertainty of\nwhether you love her.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you can't be good, be careful.  If you can't be careful, give me a call.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you love someone, set them free.\nIf they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the\nother really likes.\n\t\t-- Elizabeth Ashley\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to\nbe in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's\nbeloved.\n\t\t-- Russell Baker\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn love, she who gives her portrait promises the original.\n\t\t-- Bruton\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn real love you want the other person's good.  In romantic love you\nwant the other person.\n\t\t-- Margaret Anderson\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.\n"}, {"quote": "\nJust how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody\nwho sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth\nabout his or her love affairs.\n\t\t-- Rebecca West\n"}, {"quote": "\nLet us live!!!\nLet us love!!!\nLet us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!\n\nYou first.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLet's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLet's not complicate our relationship by trying to communicate with each other.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLonely is a man without love.\n\t\t-- Englebert Humperdinck\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the\nworld has ever seen.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove cannot be much younger than the lust for murder.\n\t\t-- Sigmund Freud\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove conquers all things; let us too surrender to love.\n\t\t-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove is a grave mental disease.\n\t\t-- Plato\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips\nover, pinning you underneath.  At night the ice weasels come.\n\t\t-- Matt Groening, \"Love is Hell\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove is always open arms.  With arms open you allow love to come and\ngo as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway.  If you close your\narms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove is being stupid together.\n\t\t-- Paul Valery\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove is dope, not chicken soup.  I mean, love is something to be passed\naround freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a\nJewish mother who cooked it all by herself.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove is in the offing.\n\t\t-- The Homicidal Maniac\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove is like a friendship caught on fire.  In the beginning a flame, very\npretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering.  As love\ngrows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning\nand unquenchable.\n\t\t-- Bruce Lee\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove is like the measles; we all have to go through it.\n\t\t-- Jerome K. Jerome\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove is never asking why?\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove is not enough, but it sure helps.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove is sentimental measles.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.\n\t\t-- M. Hirschfield\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself.\n\t\t-- Saint Exupery\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.\n\t\t-- H. L. Mencken\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove IS what it's cracked up to be.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove is what you've been through with somebody.\n\t\t-- James Thurber\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove means never having to say you're sorry.\n\t\t-- Eric Segal, \"Love Story\"\n\nThat's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.\n\t\t-- Ryan O'Neill, \"What's Up Doc?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove tells us many things that are not so.\n\t\t-- Krainian Proverb\n"}, {"quote": "\nMay your SO always know when you need a hug.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each\nother, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone\nhad to seek professional help.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nMost people don't need a great deal of love nearly so much as they need\na steady supply.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy cup hath runneth'd over with love.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset.\n\t\t-- Clare Booth Luce\n"}, {"quote": "\nOf all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOf course it's possible to love a human being if you don't know them too well.\n\t\t-- Charles Bukowski\n"}, {"quote": "\nOh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one\narch-enemy -- and that is life.\n\t\t-- Jean Anouilh, \"Ardele\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nOn a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on a surtout peur de souffrir\nou de faire souffrir.\n\t[One is always a little afraid of love, but above all, one is\n\t afraid of pain or causing pain.]\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne expresses well the love he does not feel.\n\t\t-- J.A. Karr\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople think love is an emotion.  Love is good sense.\n\t\t-- Ken Kesey\n"}, {"quote": "\nReally??  What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nSometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder...\nand ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn.\n\t\t-- N.V. Plyter\n"}, {"quote": "\nSometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSorry never means having your say to love.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSupport wildlife -- vote for an orgy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThat is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love,\nthat no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love\nin the same way as us.\n\t\t-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe\n"}, {"quote": "\nThat's life for you, said McDunn.  Someone always waiting for someone who\nnever comes home.  Always someone loving something more than that thing loves\nthem.  And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that thing is, so it\ncan't hurt you no more.\n\t\t-- R. Bradbury, \"The Fog Horn\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled today.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.\n\t\t-- Blaise Pascal\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe heart is wiser than the intellect.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe little pieces of my life I give to you, with love, to make a quilt\nto keep away the cold.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end.\n\t\t-- Benjamin Disraeli\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the\nperfect partner, you're home free.  Unfortunately, falling out of love\nseems to be just as involuntary as falling into it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only difference in the game of love over the last few thousand years\nis that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds.\n\t\t-- The Indianapolis Star\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe onset and the waning of love make themselves felt in the uneasiness\nexperienced at being alone together.\n\t\t-- Jean de la Bruyere\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.\n\t\t-- Charles Pierce\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth,\nand sixth years.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe sweeter the apple, the blacker the core --\nScratch a lover and find a foe!\n\t\t-- Dorothy Parker, \"Ballad of a Great Weariness\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both plants\nand animals.  When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; and when\nthe lights go out, they turn into animals.  But then again, don't we all?\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none.\n\t\t-- Paul Bourget\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTiming must be perfect now.  Two-timing must be better than perfect.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo be loved is very demoralizing.\n\t\t-- Katharine Hepburn\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three\nparts dead.\n\t\t-- Bertrand Russell\n"}, {"quote": "\nTotal strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTrue happiness will be found only in true love.\n"}, {"quote": "\nUnder deadline pressure for the next week.  If you want something, it can wait.\nUnless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic...\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack.\n\t\t-- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires an accomplice.\n\t\t-- Charles Baudelaire\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn\nThey will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem.\n\t\t-- Leonard Cohen, \"Sisters of Mercy\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love\nyou knowing nothing?\"\n\t\t-- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions\n"}, {"quote": "\nWithout love intelligence is dangerous;\nwithout intelligence love is not enough.\n\t\t-- Ashley Montagu\n"}, {"quote": "\nWouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were a turn-on?\n\t\t-- \"Broadcast News\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nYeah, there are more important things in life than money, but they won't go\nout with you if you don't have any.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh.\n\t\t-- Pat Benatar, \"Hell is for Children\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nA Thaum is the basic unit of magical strength.  It has been universally\nestablished as the amount of magic needed to create one small white pigeon\nor three normal sized billiard balls.\n\t\t-- Terry Pratchett, \"The Light Fantastic\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn ancient proverb summed it up: when a wizard is tired of looking for\nbroken glass in his dinner, it ran, he is tired of life.\n\t\t-- Terry Pratchett, \"The Light Fantastic\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nChaos is King and Magic is loose in the world.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they become soggy and hard to\nlight.\n\nDo not throw cigarette butts in the urinal, for they are subtle and\nquick to anger.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good\nwith ketchup.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.\n\t\t-- Aleister Crowley\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is well known that *things* from undesirable universes are always seeking\nan entrance into this one, which is the psychic equivalent of handy for the\nbuses and closer to the shops.\n\t\t-- Terry Pratchett, \"The Light Fantastic\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nKnowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost.\n\t\t-- Aleister Crowley\n"}, {"quote": "\nMagic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously\ncramp his style.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSomewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe default Magic Word, \"Abracadabra\", actually is a corruption of the\nHebrew phrase \"ha-Bracha dab'ra\" which means \"pronounce the blessing\".\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The first rule of magic is simple.  Don't waste your time waving your\nhands and hoping when a rock or a club will do.\"\n\t\t-- McCloctnik the Lucid\n"}, {"quote": "\nUsing words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.\n\t\t-- Tom Robbins\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat is a magician but a practising theorist?\n\t\t-- Obi-Wan Kenobi\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?\n\t\t-- Peter S. Beagle, \"The Last Unicorn\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever.\nI will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never\nto be seen again.\n\t\t-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., \"Between Time and Timbuktu\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nA woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither\nphysically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even\nwhen indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting.\"\n\t\t-- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925\n"}, {"quote": "\nAfter twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that\nbrought tears to my eyes.  He said, \"No hablo ingles.\"\n\t\t-- Ronnie Shakes\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.\n\t\t-- Samuel Goldwyn\n"}, {"quote": "\nBe a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBetter to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCure the disease and kill the patient.\n\t\t-- Francis Bacon\n"}, {"quote": "\nDeath has been proven to be 99"}, {"quote": " fatal in laboratory rats.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDental health is next to mental health.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEver notice that the word \"therapist\" breaks down into \"the rapist\"?\nSimple coincidence?\nMaybe...\n"}, {"quote": "\nGod is dead and I don't feel all too well either....\n\t\t-- Ralph Moonen\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Good health\" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHappiness is good health and a bad memory.\n\t\t-- Ingrid Bergman\n"}, {"quote": "\nHealth is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHealth nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying\nof nothing.\n\t\t-- Redd Foxx\n"}, {"quote": "\nHis ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water.\n\t\t-- P.G. Wodehouse\n"}, {"quote": "\nI get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise.\n\t\t-- Chauncey Depew\n"}, {"quote": "\nI got the bill for my surgery.  Now I know what those doctors were\nwearing masks for.\n\t\t-- James Boren\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.\"\n\t\"Did you ever see a doctor?\"\n\t\"No, just spots.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better,\nand (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can\nconvince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health.\n\t\t-- Sir Peter Medawar, \"The Art of the Soluble\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor.\nIf you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist.\nIt produces a false impression.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's no longer a question of staying healthy.  It's a question of finding\na sickness you like.\n\t\t-- Jackie Mason\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's\nwhat you're taking for it...\n"}, {"quote": "\nJust because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he\nknows what it is.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLaetrile is the pits.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNeurotics build castles in the sky,\nPsychotics live in them,\nAnd psychiatrists collect the rent.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever go to a doctor whose office plants have died.\n\t\t-- Erma Bombeck\n"}, {"quote": "\nNew England Life, of course.  Why do you ask?\n"}, {"quote": "\nParalysis through analysis.\n"}, {"quote": "\nProper treatment will cure a cold in seven days, but left to itself,\na cold will hang on for a week.\n\t\t-- Darrell Huff\n"}, {"quote": "\nPsychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents'\nshortcomings.\n\t\t-- Laurence J. Peter, \"Peter's Principles\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nPsychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself a therapy.\n\t\t-- Karl Kraus\n\nPsychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.\n\nShow me a sane man and I will cure him for you.\n\t\t-- C.G. Jung\n"}, {"quote": "\nPsychology.  Mind over matter.  Mind under matter?  It doesn't matter.\nNever mind.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPushing 30 is exercise enough.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPushing 40 is exercise enough.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQuit worrying about your health.  It'll go away.\n\t\t-- Robert Orben\n"}, {"quote": "\nSigmund's wife wore Freudian slips.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome people need a good imaginary cure for their painful imaginary ailment.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something.\n"}, {"quote": "\nStraw?  No, too stupid a fad.  I put soot on warts.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ...\"\n\t\t-- Dave Barry\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of\nthemselves,\" the old man said, no longer to me.  \"But what will become \nof the bicuspids?\"\n\t\t-- The Old Man and his Bridge\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree\nthat 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe real reason psychology is hard is that psychologists are trying to\ndo the impossible.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe reason they're called wisdom teeth is that the experience makes you wise.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe trouble with heart disease is that the first symptom is often hard to\ndeal with: death.\n\t\t-- Michael Phelps\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen a lot of remedies are suggested for a disease, that means it can't\nbe cured.\n\t\t-- Anton Chekhov, \"The Cherry Orchard\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n94"}, {"quote": " of the women in America are beautiful and the rest hang out around here.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out\nof a divorce.\n\t\t-- Don Quinn\n"}, {"quote": "\nA bachelor is an unaltared male.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty\nand a boy for ever.\n\t\t-- Helen Rowland\n"}, {"quote": "\nA bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot\nthe horse, but it don't fix the leg.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and\npurgatory for the purse. \n"}, {"quote": "\nA beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke.\n\t\t-- Kipling\n"}, {"quote": "\nA beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad.\n\t\t-- Emerson\n"}, {"quote": "\nA boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance\nof turning around three times before lying down.\n\t\t-- Robert Benchley\n"}, {"quote": "\nA boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.\n\t\t-- John Steinbeck\n"}, {"quote": "\nA Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief\nas your goal.  There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of\ndishonourable behaviour.  Unless she's really attractive.\n\t\t-- Bruce J. Friedman, \"Sex and the Lonely Guy\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nA diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age.\n\t\t-- Robert Frost\n"}, {"quote": "\nA diplomatic husband said to his wife, \"How do you expect me to remember\nyour birthday when you never look any older?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tA domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl.  He came back from\nhis honeymoon a chastened man.  He'd become aware of the will of the wisp.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood\nwaiting for a taxi.\n\t\"Hi,\" said the gentleman at the wheel.  \"I'm going west.\"\n\t\"How wonderful,\" came the cool reply.  \"Bring me back an orange.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nA fool and his honey are soon parted.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA fox is a wolf who sends flowers.\n\t\t-- Ruth Weston\n"}, {"quote": "\nA gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on.\n\t\t-- Evan Esar\n\t\t[ And why not?  For why does she have his hat on?  Ed.]\n"}, {"quote": "\nA gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.\n\t\t-- Fred Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nA girl with a future avoids the man with a past.\n\t\t-- Evan Esar, \"The Humor of Humor\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nA girl's best friend is her mutter.\n\t\t-- Dorothy Parker\n"}, {"quote": "\nA girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--\nit merely keeps her from enjoying it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA good man always knows his limitations.\n\t\t-- Harry Callahan\n"}, {"quote": "\nA good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband.\n\t\t-- Michel de Montaigne\n"}, {"quote": "\nA guy has to get fresh once in a while so a girl doesn't lose her confidence.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.\n\t\t-- Helen Rowland\n"}, {"quote": "\nA lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.\n\t\t-- Lillian Day\n"}, {"quote": "\nA man always needs to remember one thing about a beautiful woman.\n\nSomewhere, somebody's tired of her.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after\nthat begins to bunch them.\n\t\t-- Mencken\n"}, {"quote": "\nA man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married.  After\nthat it's cheating.\n\t\t-- Yves Montand\n"}, {"quote": "\nA man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself.\n\t\t-- Du Bois\n"}, {"quote": "\nA man in love is incomplete until he is married.  Then he is finished.\n\t\t-- Zsa Zsa Gabor, \"Newsweek\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nA man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.\n\t\t-- Brendan Francis\n"}, {"quote": "\nA man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart,\nHe sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart.\n\t\t-- Richard Thompson\n"}, {"quote": "\nA man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything.\n\t\t-- Samuel Johnson\n"}, {"quote": "\nA man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled,\nbut never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions\nhe is able to answer.\n\t\t-- Ronald Colman\n"}, {"quote": "\nA man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA man's gotta know his limitations.\n\t\t-- Clint Eastwood, \"Dirty Harry\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nA modest woman, dressed out in all her finery, is the most tremendous object\nin the whole creation.\n\t\t-- Goldsmith\n"}, {"quote": "\nA mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman\nmakes a fool of him in twenty minutes.\n\t\t-- Frost\n"}, {"quote": "\nA pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.\n\t\t-- Gloria Steinem\n"}, {"quote": "\nA pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions\nyour wife asks you for nothing.\n\t\t-- Joey Adams\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tA pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, \"Don't all these\nstops and starts get you pretty worn out?\"  \"It isn't the stops and starts\nthat get on my nerves, it's the jerks.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nA real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to.\n\t\t-- Overheard in an algebra lecture.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who\ndemanded, \"Was she not chaste?  Was she not fair?  Was she not fruitful?\"\nholding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made.\nYet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me.\n\t\t-- Plutarch\n"}, {"quote": "\nA wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there\n*for the rest of your life*.\n\t\t-- Jim Samuels\n"}, {"quote": "\nA woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it\nwere quite a struggle.\n\t\t-- Edna Ferber\n"}, {"quote": "\nA woman can never be too rich or too thin.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how.\nTo do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable.\n\t\t-- Dirisha, \"The Man Who Never Missed\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nA woman forgives the audacity of which her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.\n\t\t-- LeSage\n"}, {"quote": "\nA woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be\nthankful for a good one.\n\t\t-- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings\n"}, {"quote": "\nA woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her, she follows.\n\t\t-- Chamfort\n"}, {"quote": "\nA woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure,\nit must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.\n\t\t-- Nietzsche\n"}, {"quote": "\nA woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times\nover for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of\npride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door.\n\t\t-- Stendhal\n"}, {"quote": "\nA woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume.\n\t\t-- Maurine Lewis\n"}, {"quote": "\nA woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.\n\t\t-- Gloria Steinem\n"}, {"quote": "\nA woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.\nTherefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA woman's best protection is a little money of her own.\n\t\t-- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in \"The Wit of Women\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nA woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA woman, especially if she have the misfortune of knowing anything,\nshould conceal it as well as she can.\n\t\t-- Jane Austen\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tA young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a\nlittle pebble on the beach.  The marriage counselor told him, \"If you wish to\nsave your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAA\u0007\u0007\u0007\u0007\u0007\u0007\u0007\u0007\u0007\u0007\u0007\u0007AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!\nYou brute!  Knock before entering a ladies room!\n"}, {"quote": "\nAin't nothin' an old man can do for me but bring me a message from a young man.\n\t\t-- Moms Mabley\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of them\ncontinues to pay for it.\n\t\t-- Peggy Joyce\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.\n\t\t-- Arthur Baer\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlimony is the curse of the writing classes.\n\t\t-- Norman Mailer\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll heiresses are beautiful.\n\t\t-- John Dryden\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell\nthem apart.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car,\na cat, no maybe a dog.  Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog.\nDefinitely a dog.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll the men on my staff can type.\n\t\t-- Bella Abzug\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll work and no pay makes a housewife.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tAn airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same\ntime.  One was named Edith; the other named Kate.  They met, discovered they\nhad the same fiancee, and told him.  \"Get out of our lives you rascal.  We'll\nteach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage.\nA pessimist is a married optimist.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"And what do you two think you are doing?!\" roared the husband, as he came\nupon his wife in bed with another man.  The wife turned and smiled at her\ncompanion.\n\n\"See?\" she said.  \"I told you he was stupid!\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAny girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look stupid.\n\t\t-- Hedy Lamarr\n"}, {"quote": "\nAny woman is a volume if one knows how to read her.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.\n\t\t-- Groucho Marx\n"}, {"quote": "\nAs fathers commonly go, it is seldom a misfortune to be fatherless; and\nconsidering the general run of sons, as seldom a misfortune to be childless.\n\nThe only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is, doubtless,\na separation.\n\t\t-- Lord Chesterfield, letter to his son, 1763\n"}, {"quote": "\nAt last I've found the girl of my dreams.  Last night she said to me,\n\"Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie.\n\t\t-- Strange de Jim\n"}, {"quote": "\nBachelors' wives and old maids' children are always perfect.\n\t\t-- Nicolas Chamfort\n"}, {"quote": "\nBasically my wife was immature.  I'd be at home in the bath and she'd\ncome in and sink my boats.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nBe circumspect in your liaisons with women.  It is better to be seen at\nthe opera with a man than at mass with a woman.\n\t\t-- De Maintenon\n"}, {"quote": "\nBe prepared to accept sacrifices.  Vestal virgins aren't all that bad.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeauty seldom recommends one woman to another.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBefore marriage the three little words are \"I love you,\" after marriage\nthey are \"Let's eat out.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nBehind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeing owned by someone used to be called slavery -- now it's called commitment.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBenny Hill:\tWould you like a peanut?\nGirl:\t\tNo, thank you, I don't want to be under obligation.\nBenny Hill:\tYou won't be under obligation for a peanut.  \n\t\tIt's not as if it were a chocolate bar or something.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBigamy is having one spouse too many.  Monogamy is the same.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBirds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black\nnightgowns do with keeping warm.\n\t\t-- Hester Mundis, \"Powermom\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nBoys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least\nwhen they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.\n\t\t-- James Thurber\n"}, {"quote": "\nBoys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.\n\t\t-- Kin Hubbard\n"}, {"quote": "\nBrigands will demand your money or your life, but a woman will demand both.\n\t\t-- Samuel Butler\n"}, {"quote": "\nBy all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you\nget a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.\n\t\t-- Socrates\n"}, {"quote": "\nChanging husbands/wives is only changing troubles.\n\t\t-- Kathleen Norris\n"}, {"quote": "\nChoose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as a friend if she\nwere a man.\n\t\t-- Joubert\n"}, {"quote": "\nCourtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.\n\t\t-- William Congreve\n"}, {"quote": "\nDarling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the\nopposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember.\n\t\t-- Oliver Herford\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo not permit a woman to ask forgiveness, for that is only the first\nstep.  The second is justification of herself by accusation of you.\n\t\t-- DeGourmont\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo you think your mother and I should have lived comfortably so long\ntogether if ever we had been married?\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may\nhave got him.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't know what time I'll be back, Mom.  Probably soon after she throws me out.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.\n\t\t-- Scottish Proverb\n"}, {"quote": "\nDull women have immaculate homes.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEconomists are still trying to figure out why the girls with the least\nprinciple draw the most interest.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEighty percent of married men cheat in America.  The rest cheat in Europe.\n\t\t-- Jackie Mason\n"}, {"quote": "\n... eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his\noriginal joy his falling in love with Ada.\n\t\t-- Nabokov\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tEquality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant\nprofessor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a\nmale schlemiel.\n\t\t-- Ewald Nyquist\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling\njust a bit unchivalrous ...\"\n\t\t-- Robert Benchley\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvery man who is high up likes to think that he has done it all himself,\nand the wife smiles and lets it go at that.\n\t\t-- Barrie\n"}, {"quote": "\nEverybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and\nif you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFarmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more\nstressful than divorce.\n\t\t-- Wall Street Journal\n"}, {"quote": "\nFeminists just want the human race to be a tie.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFirst love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really\nself-respecting woman would take advantage of it.\n\t\t-- George Bernard Shaw, \"John Bull's Other Island\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nFlirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.\n\t\t-- Helen Rowland\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor a young man, not yet: for an old man, never at all.\n\t\t-- Diogenes, asked when a man should marry\n\nWhen should a man marry?  A young man, not yet; an elder man, not at all.\n\t\t-- Sir Francis Bacon, \"Of Marriage and Single Life\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor a young man, not yet: for an old man, never at all.\n\t\t-- Diogenes, asked when a man should marry\n\nWhen should a man marry?  A young man, not yet; an elder man, not at all.\n\t\t-- Sir Francis Bacon, \"Of Marriage and Single Life\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas!\nbut with break of day I went to make supplication.\n\t\t-- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___.\nWhen his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged\nhim to do so.  \"No, no,\" he said: \"if I did, where should I have to\nspend my evenings?\"\n\t\t-- Chamfort\n"}, {"quote": "\nFortunate is he for whom the belle toils.\n"}, {"quote": " if all men have made at least once.  There are\ncommunity colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas,\nthese classes rarely prove effective.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tFred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance.\n\"What happened?\"\n\t\"I was struck by the beauty of the place.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\t\t\tFROM THE DESK OF\n\t\t\t\tRapunzel\n\nDear Prince:\n\n\tUse ladder tonight -- you're splitting my ends.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGenuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's\nold girl friend.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGirls are better looking in snowstorms.\n\t\t-- Archie Goodwin\n"}, {"quote": "\nGirls marry for love.  Boys marry because of a chronic irritation that\ncauses them to gravitate in the direction of objects with certain curvilinear\nproperties.\n\t\t-- Ashley Montagu\n"}, {"quote": "\nGirls really do know just what they want -- you to figure it out for yourself!\n"}, {"quote": "\nGirls who throw themselves at men, are actually taking very careful aim.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGive a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGod created a few perfect heads.  The rest he covered with hair.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGod created woman.  And boredom did indeed cease from that moment --\nbut many other things ceased as well.  Woman was God's second mistake.\n\t\t-- Nietzsche\n"}, {"quote": "\nGood girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHat check girl:\n\t\"Goodness!  What lovely diamonds!\"\nMae West:\n\t\"Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie.\"\n\t\t-- \"Night After Night\", 1932\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool.\n\t\t-- Balzac\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the\nnight, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his\nsenses until the day of judgement.\n\t\t-- Saadi\n"}, {"quote": "\nHey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat.  You said you were\ngonna call and it's been two weeks.  What's wrong, you lose my number?\n"}, {"quote": "\nHigh heels are a device invented by a woman who was tired of being kissed\non the forehead.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHim:\t\"Your skin is so soft.  Are you a model?\"\nHer:\t\"No,\"  [blush]  \"I'm a cosmetologist.\"\nHim:\t\"Really? That's incredible... It must be very tough to handle\n\tweightlessness.\"\n\t\t-- \"The Jerk\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHis designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob\na lady of her fortune by way of marriage.\n\t\t-- Henry Fielding, \"Tom Jones\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Home, Sweet Home\" must surely have been written by a bachelor.\n\t\t-- Samuel Butler\n"}, {"quote": "\nHorace's best ode would not please a young woman as much as the mediocre\nverses of the young man she is in love with.\n\t\t-- Moore\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow much for your women?  I want to buy your daughter... how much for\nthe little girl?\n\t\t-- Jake Blues, \"The Blues Brothers\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?\" the sexy\nsocial climber said to her roommate.  \"I mean, I've never seen a Porsche\nfull of money before.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI am very fond of the company of ladies.  I like their beauty,\nI like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.\n\t\t-- Samuel Johnson\n"}, {"quote": "\nI believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he\nhas income and she is pattable.\n\t\t-- Ogden Nash\n"}, {"quote": "\nI can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan prostitute\ndancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very bored with washing\nand ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after relentless day.\n\t\t-- Betty MacDonald\n"}, {"quote": "\nI can't mate in captivity.\n\t\t-- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI come from a small town whose population never changed.  Each time a woman\ngot pregnant, someone left town.\n\t\t-- Michael Prichard\n"}, {"quote": "\nI do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of\npeople waiting to abuse me.\"\n\t\t-- Bill Murray, \"Ghostbusters\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER.  And maybe I don't want to.  Her spirit\nwas wild, like a wild monkey.  Her beauty was like a beautiful horse\nbeing ridden by a wild monkey.  I forget her other qualities.\n\t\t-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up.\n\t\t-- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying,\nand for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would\nbe blockhead enough to have me.\n\t\t-- Abraham Lincoln\n"}, {"quote": "\nI know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when\nyou won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination.\n\t\t-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)\n"}, {"quote": "\nI learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they\ndidn't is just lyin'!\n\t\t-- Willie Nelson\n"}, {"quote": "\nI like being single.  I'm always there when I need me.\n\t\t-- Art Leo\n"}, {"quote": "\nI like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull that kidnapped\nEuropa.\n\t\t-- Marcus Tullius Cicero\n"}, {"quote": "\nI like young girls.  Their stories are shorter.\n\t\t-- Tom McGuane\n"}, {"quote": "\nI love being married.  It's so great to find that one special person\nyou want to annoy for the rest of your life.\n\t\t-- Rita Rudner\n"}, {"quote": "\nI love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.\n\t\t-- Walt Disney\n"}, {"quote": "\nI married beneath me.  All women do.\n\t\t-- Lady Nancy Astor\n"}, {"quote": "\nI met a wonderful new man.  He's fictional, but you can't have everything.\n\t\t-- Cecelia, \"The Purple Rose of Cairo\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the\nplaces they do today.\n\t\t-- Will Rogers\n"}, {"quote": "\nI never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic.  To see\nthe sights I'm never going to visit.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery.  I insist on\nbelieving that some men are my equals.\n\t\t-- Brigid Brophy\n"}, {"quote": "\nI respect the institution of marriage.  I have always thought that every\nwoman should marry -- and no man.\n\t\t-- Benjamin Disraeli, \"Lothair\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink... and then\nnatural selection reared its ugly head.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so desperately\nanxious to do the wrong thing correctly.\n\t\t-- Saki, \"Reginald on Worries\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to\nremain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after.\n\t\t-- Chick\n"}, {"quote": "\nI want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch \"St.\nElsewhere\", won't scream, \"Forget it, Blanche... It's time for Hee-Haw!\"\n\t\t-- Berke Breathed, \"Bloom County\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad.\n\t\t-- Freud\n"}, {"quote": "\nI was in a beauty contest one.  I not only came in last, I was hit in\nthe mouth by Miss Congeniality.\n\t\t-- Phyllis Diller\n"}, {"quote": "\nI wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.\n\t\t-- Chico Marx\n"}, {"quote": "\nI will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new\none every day.\n\t\t-- Heine\n"}, {"quote": "\nI would gladly raise my voice in praise of women, only they won't let me\nraise my voice.\n\t\t-- Winkle\n"}, {"quote": "\nI wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough.\nCouldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had.\n\t\t-- Brenda Starr\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.\n\t\t-- W.C. Fields\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to match the men.\n\t\t-- George Eliot\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm very old-fashioned.  I believe that people should marry for life,\nlike pigeons and Catholics.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nI've been in more laps than a napkin.\n\t\t-- Mae West\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.\n\t\t-- Tallulah Bankhead\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.\n\t\t-- George Ade, \"Forty Modern Fables\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would\nbe fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies.\n\t\t-- Frances Rodman\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would\nsuggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra.  But it is only\nfair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966,\nonly two went back to women.\n\t\t-- Mort Sahl\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough.\nTwice, it's much too much.  Three times, it's the story of your life.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you\ncan't afford divorce.\n\t\t-- Jack Nicholson\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time of it.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the\nbeginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its\nlowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days\nwomen behave the most like the way men behave all month long?\n\t\t-- Gloria Steinham\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.\n\t\t-- Aristotle Onassis\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.\n\t\t-- Anton Chekhov\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no\nlonger interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal.\n\t\t-- Abigail Van Buren\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who\ncheats on his wife.\n\t\t-- Ann Landers\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty.\nOtherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you want me to be a good little bunny just dangle some carats in front\nof my nose.\n\t\t-- Lauren Bacall\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman.\n\t\t-- Michelet\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate\nbooks.\n\t\t-- Alan King\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every\nword you say, talk in your sleep.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur\nboots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him.\n\t\t-- Anton Chekhov\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn buying horses and taking a wife shut your eyes tight and commend\nyourself to God.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn Christianity, a man may have only one wife.  This is called Monotony.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -- a practice which is\nstill continued.\n\t\t-- Helen Rowland\n"}, {"quote": "\nInsanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same\ntoken it is the shortest detour to marriage.\n\t\t-- Wilson Mizner\n"}, {"quote": "\nIs a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIs not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the\nbeginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get\nout, and such as are out wish to get in?\n\t\t-- Ralph Emerson\n"}, {"quote": "\nIsn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives\navoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that\nwould make them better prospects?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair\nto get in, and those within despair of getting out.\n\t\t-- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out\nnext morning it was someone else.\n\t\t-- Will Rogers\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be\nmost happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment,\nit does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind.\n\t\t-- H. Warner Munn\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is explained that all relationships require a little give and take.  This\nis untrue.  Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the\nlast, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give\nenough.\n\t\t-- Quentin Crisp, \"How to Become a Virgin\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion:\nlove does not lie in the ear.\n\t\t-- Walpole\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his\nwife in public.  It always makes people think that he beats her when\nthey're alone.  The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks\nlike a happy married life.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to\nmathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and chemistry.\n\t\t-- H.L. Mencken\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen.\n\t\t-- Maimie Van Doren\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest\nsince the middle of my marriage.  There was energy, softness, grace and\nlaughter.  I even took my socks off.  In my circle, that means class.\n\t\t-- Andrew Bergman \"The Big Kiss-off of 1944\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded.\n\t\t-- Tim Conway\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything\non earth to worry about, she goes off and gets married.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's not the inital skirt length, it's the upcreep.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts.\n\t\t-- Mae West\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time.\n\t\t-- Tallulah Bankhead\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tIt's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with\nbad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins.\n"}, {"quote": "\nJust as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I cannot\nremember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in daydreams about\nwomen.\n\t\t-- George Bernard Shaw\n"}, {"quote": "\nKath: Can he be present at the birth of his child?\nEd: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present\n\tat the conception.\n\t\t-- Joe Orton, \"Entertaining Mr. Sloane\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nKeep a diary and one day it'll keep you.\n\t\t-- Mae West\n"}, {"quote": "\nKeep women you cannot.  Marry them and they come to hate the way you walk\nacross the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you at the end of six\nmonths.\n\t\t-- Moore\n"}, {"quote": "\nKeep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.\n\t\t-- Benjamin Franklin\n"}, {"quote": "\nKissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and\nsapphire bracelet lasts for ever.\n\t\t-- Anita Loos, \"Gentlemen Prefer Blondes\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nLady Nancy Astor:\n\t\"Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee.\"\nWinston Churchill:\n\t\"Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nLank: Here we go.  We're about to set a new record.\nEarl: (to the crowd) How about a date?\nLank: We've done it.  Earl has set a new record.  Turned down by\n      20,000 women.\n\t\t-- Lank and Earl\n"}, {"quote": "\nLarge increases in cost with questionable increases in performance can\nbe tolerated only in race horses and women.\n\t\t-- Lord Kalvin\n"}, {"quote": "\nLet thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely.\n\t\t-- Benjamin Franklin\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife begins at the centerfold and expands outward.\n\t\t-- Miss November, 1966\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife's too short to dance with ugly women.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLike all young men, you greatly exaggerate the difference between one\nyoung woman and another.\n\t\t-- George Bernard Shaw, \"Major Barbara\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nLike the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking\nfor girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.\n\t\t-- Alan McKay\n"}, {"quote": "\nLittle girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.\n\t\t-- Lazarus Long\n"}, {"quote": "\nLonely men seek companionship.  Lonely women sit at home and wait.\nThey never meet.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLots of girls can be had for a song.  Unfortunately, it often turns out to\nbe the wedding march.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real\nwith the ideal never goes unpunished.\n\t\t-- Goethe\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.\n\t\t-- Dr. Karl Bowman\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove is the delusion that one woman differs from another.\n\t\t-- H.L. Mencken\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles.\n\t\t-- Paul Leautaud, \"Passe-temps\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nMacho does not prove mucho.\n\t\t-- Zsa Zsa Gabor\n"}, {"quote": "\nMan and wife make one fool.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMany a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would\nnot have chosen a suit by it.\n\t\t-- Maurice Chevalier\n"}, {"quote": "\nMany a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the\nwhole girl.\n\t\t-- Stephen Leacock\n"}, {"quote": "\nMany a man who thinks he's going on a maiden voyage with\na woman finds out later that it was just a shake-down cruise.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMany a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover.\nBut she can never catch him at it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMany husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMarriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of\ninsincerity possible between two human beings.\n\t\t-- Vicki Baum\n"}, {"quote": "\nMarriage causes dating problems.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMarriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMarriage is a great institution -- but I'm not ready for an institution yet.\n\t\t-- Mae West\n"}, {"quote": "\nMarriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be\nsurprised at the large number that re-enlist.\n\t\t-- James Garner\n"}, {"quote": "\nMarriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMarriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.\n\t\t-- Roger Price\n"}, {"quote": "\nMarriage is an institution in which two undertake to become one, and one\nundertakes to become nothing.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMarriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer\nexactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work\nin the brewery.\n\t\t-- George Jean Nathan\n"}, {"quote": "\nMarriage is learning about women the hard way.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMarriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with\nchopsticks.  It looks easy until you try it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMarriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.\n\t\t-- Baskins\n"}, {"quote": "\nMarriage is not merely sharing the fettucine, but sharing the\nburden of finding the fettucine restaurant in the first place.\n\t\t-- Calvin Trillin\n"}, {"quote": "\nMarriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.\n\t\t-- Voltaire\n"}, {"quote": "\nMarriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would\nhave preferred.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMarriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMarriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle.\n\t\t-- Edmond About\n"}, {"quote": "\nMarriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth.\n\t\t-- John Lyly\n"}, {"quote": "\nMarry in haste and everyone starts counting the months.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMatrimony is the root of all evil.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMatrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMen are always ready to respect anything that bores them.\n\t\t-- Marilyn Monroe\n"}, {"quote": "\nMen are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.\n\t\t-- Jayne Mansfield\n"}, {"quote": "\nMen aren't attracted to me by my mind.  They're attracted by what I\ndon't mind...\n\t\t-- Gypsy Rose Lee\n"}, {"quote": "\nMen have a much better time of it than women; for one thing they marry later;\nfor another thing they die earlier.\n\t\t-- H.L. Mencken\n"}, {"quote": "\nMen have as exaggerated an idea of their rights as women have of their wrongs.\n\t\t-- E.W. Howe\n"}, {"quote": "\nMen live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMen never make passes at girls wearing glasses.\n\t\t-- Dorothy Parker\n"}, {"quote": "\nMen of quality are not afraid of women for equality.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMen say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them.\n\t\t-- DeSegur\n"}, {"quote": "\nMen seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMen still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMen who cherish for women the highest respect are seldom popular with them.\n\t\t-- Joseph Addison\n"}, {"quote": "\nMiguel Cervantes wrote Donkey Hote.  Milton wrote Paradise Lost, then his\nwife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMoe:\tWanna play poker tonight?\nJoe:\tI can't. It's the kids' night out.\nMoe:\tSo?\nJoe:\tI gotta stay home with the nurse.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMoe:\tWhat did you give your wife for Valentine's Day?\nJoe:\tThe usual gift -- she ate my heart out.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMoney and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two\nthings we have.\n\t\t-- The Best of Will Rogers\n"}, {"quote": "\nMoney is a powerful aphrodisiac.  But flowers work almost as well.\n\t\t-- Lazarus Long\n"}, {"quote": "\nMonogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses.\n\t\t-- H.H. Munro\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should be able to change him,\nlike a bank note, for two twenties.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy.\n\t\t-- Linda Festa\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever eat at a place called Mom's.  Never play cards with a man named Doc.\nAnd never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.\n\t\t-- Nelson Algren, \"What Every Young Man Should Know\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever go to bed mad.  Stay up and fight.\n\t\t-- Phyllis Diller, \"Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.\n\t\t-- Nelson Algren\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever tell.  Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks\nin on you, deny it.  Yeah.  Just flat out and she'll believe it: \"I'm\ntellin' ya.  This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay\nOn Top Of Me Or I'll Die'.  I didn't know what I was gonna do...\"\n\t\t-- Lenny Bruce\n"}, {"quote": "\nNew Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age,\nand his wife most often reminds him to act it.\n\t\t-- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl;\nno hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman.\n\t\t-- Landor\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost\ninterest in hair restorers.\n\t-- Austin O'Malley\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an\nunmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway.\n\t\t-- Arthur Binstead\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo one knows like a woman how to say things that are at once gentle and deep.\n\t\t-- Hugo\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo self-made man ever did such a good job that some woman didn't\nwant to make some alterations.\n\t\t-- Kim Hubbard\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether\nshe will or will not be a mother.\n\t\t-- Margaret H. Sanger\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner.\n\t\t-- Lord Thomas Dewar\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of\nhim than he deserves.\n\t\t-- Edgar Watson Howe\n"}, {"quote": "\nNobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married.\nAnd then it's too late.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNot every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to\nthe capitalist mode of production.\n\t\t-- Herbert Marcuse\n"}, {"quote": "\nOf all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.\n\t\t-- Plato\n"}, {"quote": "\nOf course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between\nhusband and wife.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOnce a woman has given you her heart you can never get rid of the rest of her.\n\t\t-- Vanbrugh\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus.\n\t\t-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, \"The Last Tycoon\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne is not born a woman, one becomes one.\n\t\t-- Simone de Beauvoir\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne man's folly is another man's wife.\n\t\t-- Helen Rowland\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne should always be in love.  That is the reason one should never marry.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nOnly two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPhysically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the\nfarm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than\nchickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock.\n\t\t-- George Bernard Shaw, \"Getting Married\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nRich bachelors should be heavily taxed.  It is not fair that some men\nshould be happier than others.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nScientists still know less about what attracts men than they do about\nwhat attracts mosquitoes.\n\t\t-- Dr. Joyce Brothers,\n\t\t\"What Every Woman Should Know About Men\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nShe always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking good.\n\t\t-- Anita Loos, \"Gentlemen Prefer Blondes\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nShe been married so many times she got rice marks all over her face.\n\t\t-- Tom Waits\n"}, {"quote": "\nShe is descended from a long line that her mother listened to.\n\t\t-- Gypsy Rose Lee\n"}, {"quote": "\nShe just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few years, enjoyed\nherself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and left.  Excited a few men\nin the meantime.\n\t\t-- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's\n\t\t   involvement in \"The Avengers\".\n"}, {"quote": "\nShe liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them were bad.\n"}, {"quote": "\nShe missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could\nhave poured on a waffle ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nShe's learned to say things with her eyes that others waste time putting\ninto words.\n"}, {"quote": "\nShe's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer.\n"}, {"quote": "\nShe's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.\n\t\t-- Mae West\n"}, {"quote": "\nSo many beautiful women and so little time.\n\t\t-- John Barrymore\n"}, {"quote": "\nSo many men; so little time.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSo many women; so little nerve.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSo many women; so little time!\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might\nwant to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime.\"\n\t\"Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David.\"\n\t\"Friday, then?\"\n\t\"Why not, David, it might even be fun.\"\n\t\t-- Dating in Minnesota\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right places!\n\t\t-- Mae West\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome men are so interested in their wives' continued happiness that they\nhire detectives to find out the reason for it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.\n\t\t-- Maureen Murphy\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome men feel that the only thing they owe the woman who marries them\nis a grudge.\n\t\t-- Helen Rowland\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.\n\t\t-- Gloria Steinem\n"}, {"quote": "\nSometimes a cigar is just a cigar.\n\t\t-- Sigmund Freud\n"}, {"quote": "\nSometimes, when I think of what that girl means to me, it's all I can do\nto keep from telling her.\n\t\t-- Andy Capp\n"}, {"quote": "\nStanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men:\nthey give them \"just one more reason\" to stay in and study every night.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTake my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it\nneeds a very clever woman to manage a fool.\n\t\t-- Kipling\n"}, {"quote": "\nTehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to.\n\t\t-- Geoffrey Chaucer\n"}, {"quote": "\nThat woman speaks eight languages and can't say \"no\" in any of them.\n\t\t-- Dorothy Parker\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one\ndoes not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home.\n\t\t-- Paul Leautaud, \"Propos d'un jour\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe anger of a woman is the greatest evil with which you can threaten your\nenemies.\n\t\t-- Bonnard\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows\nthat the average man can see much better than he can think.\n\t\t-- Ladies' Home Journal\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain\ndisdain; he is anything but her ideal.  In consequence, she cannot help\nfeeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is\ntheir father.\n\t\t-- H.L. Mencken\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe best man for the job is often a woman.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected company arrives,\nall you have to do is straighten your tie.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted\nthemselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females.  Why do they tolerate\nthis total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are\nhungry all the time?\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and\nsometimes three.\n\t\t-- Alexandre Dumas\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a \ntedious book.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tThe defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff:\n\"You claim,\" he jeered, \"that my client came at you with a broken bottle\nin his hand.  But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?\"\n\t\"Yes,\" the man admitted, \"his wife. Very charming, of course,\nbut not much good in a fight.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe difference between legal separation and divorce is that legal\nseparation gives the man time to hide his money.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance\nof the woman.\n\t\t-- Honor'\be DeBalzac\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe eternal feminine draws us upward.\n\t\t-- Goethe\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence,\nand the second the triumph of hope over experience.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even\nremember her first husband.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear.\n\t\t-- Sophia Loren\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.  They gave him\nlove and he invented marriage.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe happiest time of a person's life is after his first divorce.\n\t\t-- J.K. Galbraith \n"}, {"quote": "\nThe heaviest object in the world is the body of the woman you have ceased\nto love.\n\t\t-- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe honeymoon is not actually over until we cease to stifle our sighs\nand begin to stifle our yawns.\n\t\t-- Helen Rowland\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and\nshe's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator.\n\t\t-- Bill Lawrence\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons that\nwhat she doesn't know won't hurt him.\n\t\t-- Leo J. Burke\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll.\nShe loves it -- and that's all.  It is thus that we should love.\n\t\t-- DeGourmont\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play the violin.\n\t\t-- Honor'\be DeBalzac\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe man who understands one woman is qualified to understand pretty well\neverything.\n\t\t-- Yeats\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe mature bohemian is one whose woman works full time.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe most common form of marriage proposal: \"YOU'RE WHAT!?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe most dangerous food is wedding cake.\n\t\t-- American proverb\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union\nof a deaf man to a blind woman.\n\t\t-- Samuel Taylor Coleridge\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman\nis that one of them be good at taking orders.\n\t\t-- Linda Festa\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.\n\t\t-- Joey Adams, \"Cindy and I\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe mother of the year should be a sterilized woman with two adopted children.\n\t\t-- Paul Ehrlich\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method\nfor getting acquainted.\n\t\t-- Heywood Broun\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise\nof his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock.\n\t\t-- Colette\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe perfect man is the true partner.  Not a bed partner nor a fun partner,\nbut a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that\nquality of joy.\n\t\t-- Erica Jong\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe prettiest women are almost always the most boring, and that is why\nsome people feel there is no God.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen, \"Without Feathers\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in\nhis courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on\none leg.  The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't\ntake it too seriously.\n\t\t-- Mike Harding, \"The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft voice, sweet speech,\nwisdom, needlework, and chastity.\n\t\t-- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing\n-- and then marry him.\n\t\t-- Cher\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe truth about a woman often lasts longer than the woman is true.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe two things that can get you into trouble quicker than anything else\nare fast women and slow horses.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe way to fight a woman is with your hat.  Grab it and run.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe woman you buy -- and she is the least expensive -- takes a great\ndeal of money.  The woman who gives herself takes all your time.\n\t\t-- Balzac\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are a few things that never go out of style, and a feminine woman\nis one of them.\n\t\t-- Ralston\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are four stages to a marriage.  First there's the affair, then there's\nthe marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you\ncannot know a woman, the divorce.\n\t\t-- Norman Mailer\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are three things I have always loved and never understood --\nart, music, and women.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are three things men can do with women: love them, suffer for them,\nor turn them into literature.\n\t\t-- Stephen Stills\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before\nmarriage and after marriage.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere goes the good time that was had by all.\n\t\t-- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it\nis never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.\n\t\t-- Helen Rowland\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only the ones who do\nnot know how to make themselves attractive.\n\t\t-- Christian Dior\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is not much to choose between a woman who deceives us for another,\nand a woman who deceives another for ourselves.\n\t\t-- Augier\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is only one way to console a widow.  But remember the risk.\n\t\t-- Robert Heinlein\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's nothing like a girl with a plunging neckline to keep a man on his toes.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's nothing like a good dose of another woman to make a man appreciate\nhis wife.\n\t\t-- Clare Booth Luce\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's one consolation about matrimony.  When you look around you can\nalways see somebody who did worse.\n\t\t-- Warren H. Goldsmith\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's one fool at least in every married couple.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn\nwhat it is I'll get married again.\n\t\t-- Clint Eastwood\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear.\n\t\t-- Richard Le Gallienne\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, \"Kathy, pack up your\nbags!  I just won the California lottery!\"\n\t\"Honey!\", Kathy exclaims, \"Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?\"\n\t\"I don't care,\" responds the husband. \"just so long as you're out\nof the house by dinner!\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents.\n\t\t-- H.L. Mencken\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who should demand\nmore from her?  You don't want a rose to sing.\n\t\t-- Thackeray\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job\nthan a man would have to be.  Fortunately, this isn't difficult.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man.\n\t\t-- Golda Meir\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo err is human -- but it feels divine.\n\t\t-- Mae West\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.\n\t\t-- Benjamin Franklin\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.\n\t\t-- St. Augustine\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo our sweethearts and wives.  May they never meet.\n\t\t-- 19th century toast\n"}, {"quote": "\nToday when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a cheering\nsquad and another paycheck.  When a woman marries, she gets a boarder.\n"}, {"quote": "\nToo much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.\n\t\t-- Mae West\n"}, {"quote": "\nTrust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your\nown name.\n\t\t-- Joan Rivers\n"}, {"quote": "\nTwenty years of romance make a woman look like a ruin; but twenty years of\nmarriage make her something like a public building.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nTwo sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory.\nI forget the second.\n"}, {"quote": "\nUntil Eve arrived, this was a man's world.\n\t\t-- Richard Armour\n"}, {"quote": "\nValerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ...\nTom:\t I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ...\n\t\t-- Tom Chapin\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe were happily married for eight months.  Unfortunately, we were married\nfor four and a half years.\n\t\t-- Nick Faldo\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe're all looking for a woman who can sit in a mini-skirt and talk\nphilosophy, executing both with confidence and style.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.\n\t\t-- John Heywood\n"}, {"quote": "\nWedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWell, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal rights.\n\t\t-- Dwight D. Eisenhower\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat a misfortune to be a woman!  And yet, the worst misfortune is not to\nunderstand what a misfortune it is.\n\t\t-- Kierkegaard, 1813-1855.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat do you give a man who has everything?  Penicillin.\n\t\t-- Jerry Lester\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"What do you give a man who has everything?\" the pretty teenager\nasked her mother.\n\t\"Encouragement, dear,\" she replied.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat nonsense people talk about happy marriages!  A man can be happy with\nany woman so long as he doesn't love her.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's\ntransparency.\n\t\t-- George Nathan\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half\nas good.  Luckily this is not difficult.\n\t\t-- Charlotte Whitton\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen a girl can read the handwriting on the wall, she may be in the wrong\nrest room.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the\ninattentions of one.\n\t\t-- Helen Rowland\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him\nkeep her.\n\t\t-- Sacha Guitry\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises:\nfirst is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it.\n\t\t-- Donnay\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband.\nWhen a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen choosing between two evils, I always like to take the one I've never\ntried before.\n\t\t-- Mae West, \"Klondike Annie\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it.\n\t\t-- Charles Merrill Smith\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman.  As to\nwhy he then stopped there are two opinions.  One of them is woman's.\n\t\t-- DeGourmont\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal\nwoman.  Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man.\n\t\t-- Robert Schuman\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better.\n\t\t-- Mae West\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame --\nhalf his wife's fault, and half her mother's.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen Marriage is Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen one knows women one pities men, but when one studies men,\none excuses women.\n\t\t-- Horne Tooke\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen the candles are out all women are fair.\n\t\t-- Plutarch\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary.\n\t\t-- Balzac\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane,\nmost delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear\nthat they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition\ncontinuously until death do them part.\n\t\t-- George Bernard Shaw\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.\n\t\t-- H.L. Mencken, \"Sententiae\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes; when they do\nnot love us, they give us credit for nothing, not even our virtues.\n\t\t-- Honor'\be de Balzac\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else.\n\t\t-- David Pryce-Jones\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when\nyou're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened\nof losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time.\n\t\t-- Nell Dunn, \"Poor Cow\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children\nto spend their weekends with?\n\t\t-- Rita Rudner\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhere's the man could ease a heart like a satin gown?\n\t\t-- Dorothy Parker, \"The Satin Dress\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.  Why a man\nwould want *___\b\b\btwo* wives is a bigamystery.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy isn't there some cheap and easy way to prove how much she means to me?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy won't you let me kiss you goodnight?  Is it something I said?\n\t\t-- Tom Ryan\n"}, {"quote": "\nWoman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.\n\t\t-- Dumas\n"}, {"quote": "\nWoman was God's second mistake.\n\t\t-- Nietzsche\n"}, {"quote": "\nWoman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor\nout of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be\nequal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart\nthat he might love her.\n\t\t-- Henry\n"}, {"quote": "\nWoman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool.\n\t\t-- Cervantes\n"}, {"quote": "\nWomen are all alike.  When they're maids they're mild as milk: once make 'em\nwives, and they lean their backs against their marriage certificates, and\ndefy you.\n\t\t-- Jerrold\n"}, {"quote": "\nWomen are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it from charity,\nor revenge?\n\t\t-- Gustave Vapereau\n"}, {"quote": "\nWomen are just like men, only different.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWomen are like elephants to me: I like to look at them, but I wouldn't\nwant to own one.\n\t\t-- W.C. Fields\n"}, {"quote": "\nWomen are not much, but they are the best other sex we have.\n\t\t-- Herold\n"}, {"quote": "\nWomen are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.\n\t\t-- Stephens\n"}, {"quote": "\nWomen aren't as mere as they used to be.\n\t\t-- Pogo\n"}, {"quote": "\nWomen can keep a secret just as well as men, but it takes more of them\nto do it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWomen complain about sex more than men.  Their gripes fall into two\ncategories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much.\n\t\t-- Ann Landers\n"}, {"quote": "\nWomen give themselves to God when the Devil wants nothing more to do with them.\n\t\t-- Arnould\n"}, {"quote": "\nWomen give to men the very gold of their lives.  Possibly; but they\ninvariably want it back in such very small change.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nWomen in love consist of a little sighing, a little crying, a little dying\n-- and a good deal of lying.\n\t\t-- Ansey\n"}, {"quote": "\nWomen reason with the heart and are much less often wrong than men who\nreason with the head.\n\t\t-- DeLescure\n"}, {"quote": "\nWomen sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity, but never a man\nwho misses one.\n\t\t-- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord\n"}, {"quote": "\nWomen treat us just as humanity treats its gods.  They worship us and are\nalways bothering us to do something for them.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nWomen want their men to be cops.  They want you to punish them and tell\nthem what the limits are.  The only thing that women hate worse from a man\nthan being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.\n\t\t-- Mort Sahl\n"}, {"quote": "\nWomen waste men's lives and think they have indemnified them by a few\ngracious words.\n\t\t-- Honor'\be de Balzac\n"}, {"quote": "\nWomen who want to be equal to men lack imagination.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWomen wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore; not because they are\npretty, or good, or well-bred, or graceful, or intelligent, but because\nthey are themselves.\n\t\t-- Amiel\n"}, {"quote": "\nWomen's virtue is man's greatest invention.\n\t\t-- Cornelia Otis Skinner\n"}, {"quote": "\nWomen, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge\nas good as any other.\n\t\t-- Philippe De Remi\n"}, {"quote": "\nWomen, when they are not in love, have all the cold blood of an experienced \nattorney.\n\t\t-- Honor'\be de Balzac\n"}, {"quote": "\nWomen, when they have made a sheep of a man, always tell him that he is a\nlion with a will of iron.\n\t\t-- Honor'\be de Balzac\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"You are *so* lovely.\"\n\t\"Yes.\"\n\t\"Yes!  And you take a compliment, too!  I like that in a goddess.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing\nforbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute.  You are\navenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou ask what a nice girl will do?  She won't give an inch, but she won't\nsay no.\n\t\t-- Marcus Valerius Martialis\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can have a dog as a friend.  You can have whiskey as a friend.  But\nif you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing\nyour dog.\n\t\t-- foolin' around\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can't kiss a girl unexpectedly -- only sooner than she thought you would.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou have only to mumble a few words in church to get married and few words\nin your sleep to get divorced.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou just know when a relationship is about to end.  My girlfriend called me\nat work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom.  \"It's very\nsimple,\" I said. \"You start by filling up the bathtub with water...\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your daughter\nfor camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her mother is allowed\nto take.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery,\nare now extinct.\n\t\t-- M. Somerset Maugham\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou lived with a man who wore white belts?  Laura, I'm disappointed in you.\n\t\t-- Remington Steele\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little...\nexcept, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus.\"\n\t\t-- Swamp Thing\n"}, {"quote": "\nYoung men want to be faithful and are not; old men want to be faithless and\ncannot.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nYouth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.\n"}, {"quote": "\n1 bulls, 3 cows.\n"}, {"quote": "\n$3,000,000.\n"}, {"quote": "\n40 isn't old.  If you're a tree.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tA crow perched himself on a telephone wire.  He was going to make a\nlong-distance caw.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine!\n\t[From the fury of the norsemen deliver us, O Lord!]\n\t\t-- Medieval prayer\n"}, {"quote": "\nA log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA prediction is worth twenty explanations.\n\t\t-- K. Brecher\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tA reverend wanted to telephone another reverend.  He told the operator,\n\"This is a parson to parson call.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nA squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature\nreplaces it with.\n\t\t-- Tennessee Williams\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tA young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father,\nand her first name by her mother.  By the time she was ten, didn't know if she\nwas Carmen or Cohen.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAccording to my best recollection, I don't remember.\n\t\t-- Vincent \"Jimmy Blue Eyes\" Alo\n"}, {"quote": "\nAdults die young.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAge is a tyrant who forbids, at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAgree with them now, it will save so much time.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAh, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts!\n"}, {"quote": "\nAhhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany.  It excites me to...\nacts of passion... acts of... ineptitude.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll phone calls are obscene.\n\t\t-- Karen Elizabeth Gordon\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.\n\t\t-- Grant Wood\n"}, {"quote": "\nAm I ranting?  I hope so.  My ranting gets raves.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAMAZING BUT TRUE ...\n\tIf all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end\n\tacross the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAMAZING BUT TRUE ...\n\tThere is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it\n\twould completely cover the Sahara Desert.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAmnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.\n\t\t-- Isaac Asimov\n"}, {"quote": "\n... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnd I alone am returned to wag the tail.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAny stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to\nexactly the point of most pressure.\n\t\t-- Milt Barber\n"}, {"quote": "\nAny time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAre we not men?\n"}, {"quote": "\nAs Zeus said to Narcissus, \"Watch yourself.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAvec!\n"}, {"quote": "\nBAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nBare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the\nfloor -- especially in the dark.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBatteries not included.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...)\n"}, {"quote": "\nBE ALOOF!  (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.)\n"}, {"quote": "\nBefore I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeing frustrated is disagreeable, but the real disasters in life begin\nwhen you get what you want.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBelieve everything you hear about the world; nothing is too impossibly bad.\n\t\t-- Honor'\be de Balzac\n"}, {"quote": "\nBiggest security gap -- an open mouth.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBizarreness is the essence of the exotic.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBlame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBlessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as Wheels.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBlue paint today.\n\t\t[Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson.  Ed.]\n"}, {"quote": "\nBoy!  Eucalyptus!\n"}, {"quote": "\nBoy, that crayon sure did hurt!\n"}, {"quote": "\nBushydo -- the way of the shrub.  Bonsai!\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"But Huey, you PROMISED!\"\n\t\"Tell 'em I lied.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nBut like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!\n"}, {"quote": "\nBy perseverance the snail reached the Ark.\n\t\t-- Charles Spurgeon\n"}, {"quote": "\nCF&C stole it, fair and square.\n\t\t-- Tim Hahn\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tChapter VIII\n\nDue to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension, Salvatore\nQuanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe like a watermelon\nseed, and never heard from again.\n"}, {"quote": "\nColorless green ideas sleep furiously.\n"}, {"quote": "\nConfucius say too much.\n\t\t-- Recent Chinese Proverb\n"}, {"quote": "\nCongratulations are in order for Tom Reid.\n\nHe says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the\nYear award.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCulture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCuster committed Siouxicide.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\n\"Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not cockroaches!\"\n\t\t-- Mom\n"}, {"quote": "\nDeath to all fanatics!\n"}, {"quote": "\nDepart in pieces, i.e., split.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDeprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDid I say 2?  I lied.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDid it ever occur to you that fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?\n\nOr that we drive on parkways and park on driveways?\n"}, {"quote": "\nDid you hear about the model who sat on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure?\n"}, {"quote": "\nDid you know ...\n\nThat no-one ever reads these things?\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Die?  I should say not, dear fellow.  No Barrymore would allow such a\nconventional thing to happen to him.\"\n\t\t-- John Barrymore's dying words\n"}, {"quote": "\nDignity is like a flag.  It flaps in a storm.\n\t\t-- Roy Mengot\n"}, {"quote": "\nDime is money.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo not underestimate the power of the Force.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo not use that foreign word \"ideals\".  We have that excellent native\nword \"lies\".\n\t\t-- Henrik Ibsen, \"The Wild Duck\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo people know you have freckles everywhere?\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"Do you believe in intuition?\"\n\t\"No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo you have lysdexia?\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo YOU have redeeming social value?\n"}, {"quote": "\nDoes a one-legged duck swim in a circle?\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't force it, get a larger hammer.\n\t\t-- Anthony\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't guess -- check your security regulations.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't I know you?\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't let your status become too quo!\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't quit now, we might just as well lock the door and throw away the key.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't worry if you're a kleptomaniac; you can always take something for it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDouble!\n"}, {"quote": "\nDr. Jekyll had something to Hyde.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDr. Livingston?\nDr. Livingston I. Presume?\n"}, {"quote": "\nDrawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDrop that pickle!\n"}, {"quote": "\nDrop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.\n\t\t-- The Adventurer\n"}, {"quote": "\nDuckies are fun!\n"}, {"quote": "\nDucks?  What ducks??\n"}, {"quote": "\nDungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tDuring a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife.  She had\nhim arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.\n\tIn another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher.\nShe's a women who conks to stupor.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDyslexia means never having to say that you're ysror.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDyslexics have more fnu.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE!\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.\"\n\t\t-- Jeff Berner\n"}, {"quote": "\nEditing is a rewording activity.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEggheads unite!  You have nothing to lose but your yolks.\n\t\t-- Adlai Stevenson\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvents are not affected, they develop.\n\t\t-- Sri Aurobindo\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvery absurdity has a champion who will defend it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvery day it's the same thing -- variety.  I want something different.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvery time I think I know where it's at, they move it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvery time you manage to close the door on Reality, it comes in through the\nwindow.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvery word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.\n\t\t-- Beckett\n"}, {"quote": "\nEverything bows to success, even grammar.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEverything can be filed under \"miscellaneous\".\n"}, {"quote": "\nEverything might be different in the present if only one thing had\nbeen different in the past.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEverything should be built top-down, except the first time.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEverything should be built top-down, except this time.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEverything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.\n\t\t-- Erwin Tomash\n"}, {"quote": "\nEverything you know is wrong!\n"}, {"quote": "\nFacts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.\n\t\t-- Aldous Huxley\n"}, {"quote": "\nFacts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.\n\t\t-- Sven Italla\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"Fantasies are free.\"\n\t\"NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nFar duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFats Loves Madelyn.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFinding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture\non a rock.\n\t\t-- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981\n"}, {"quote": "\nFive bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck.\n\t\t-- Adolfo Guzman\n"}, {"quote": "\nFlame on!\n\t\t-- Johnny Storm\n"}, {"quote": "\nFly me away to the bright side of the moon ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.\n\t\t-- Titus Lucretius Carus\n"}, {"quote": "\nForce it!!!\nIf it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway...\nNo, don't force it, get a bigger hammer.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX!\n"}, {"quote": "\nForest fires cause Smokey Bears.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):\n\n\t\tDon't Write On Walls!\n\n\t\t   (and underneath)\n\n\t\tYou want I should type?\n"}, {"quote": "\nFortune's Office Door Sign of the Week:\n\n\tIncorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"Found it,\" the Mouse replied rather crossly: \"of course you know\nwhat 'it' means.\"\n\t\"I know what 'it' means well enough, when I find a thing,\" said the\nDuck: \"it's generally a frog or a worm.  The question is, what did the\narchbishop find?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nFrom a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. \nThat is the point that must be reached.\n\t\t-- F. Kafka\n"}, {"quote": "\nFurious activity is no substitute for understanding.\n\t\t-- H.H. Williams\n"}, {"quote": "\nGeneral notions are generally wrong.\n\t\t-- Lady M.W. Montagu\n"}, {"quote": "\nGive me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place\nto stand, and I will drain the world.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGIVE UP!!!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nGiven my druthers, I'd druther not.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGloffing is a state of mine.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGo 'way!  You're bothering me!\n"}, {"quote": "\nGo away, I'm all right.\n\t\t-- H.G. Wells' last words.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGo climb a gravity well!\n"}, {"quote": "\nGoals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...\n\t\t-- Wally Shawn\n"}, {"quote": "\nGod is Dead.\n\t\t-- Nietzsche\nNietzsche is Dead.\n\t\t-- God\nNietzsche is God.\n\t\t-- Dead\n"}, {"quote": "\nGod isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGod isn't dead.  He just doesn't want to get involved.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGod made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGod was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.\n\t\t-- Samuel Butler\n"}, {"quote": "\nGod, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now!\n"}, {"quote": "\nGood news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHalf Moon tonight.  (At least it's better than no Moon at all.)\n"}, {"quote": "\nHappiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHappy feast of the pig!\n"}, {"quote": "\nHard reality has a way of cramping your style.\n\t\t-- Daniel Dennett\n"}, {"quote": "\nHave at you!\n"}, {"quote": "\nHave the courage to take your own thoughts seriously, for they will shape you.\n\t\t-- Albert Einstein\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"Have you lived here all your life?\"\n\t\"Oh, twice that long.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHave you locked your file cabinet?\n"}, {"quote": "\nHave you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a\ncrack in your sidewalk?\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHedonist for hire... no job too easy!\n"}, {"quote": "\nHelp a swallow land at Capistrano.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHelp stamp out and abolish redundancy and repetition.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHELP!  Man trapped in a human body!\n"}, {"quote": "\nHELP!  MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!\n\t\t-- E. E. CUMMINGS\n"}, {"quote": "\nHere there be tygers.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"His eyes were cold.  As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling\noutside.  Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew...\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHonk if you hate bumper stickers that say \"Honk if ...\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHonk if you love peace and quiet.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHousework can kill you if done right.\n\t\t-- Erma Bombeck\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow come we never talk anymore?\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow come wrong numbers are never busy?\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them?\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow untasteful can you get?\n"}, {"quote": "\nHuh?\n"}, {"quote": "\nI always wake up at the crack of ice.\n\t\t-- Joe E. Lewis\n"}, {"quote": "\nI am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI can relate to that.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI can resist anything but temptation.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.\n\t\t-- Ashleigh Brilliant\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.\"\n\t\t-- Ronald Mabbitt\n"}, {"quote": "\nI don't understand you anymore.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive?\n"}, {"quote": "\nI enjoy the time that we spend together.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI exist, therefore I am paid.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI fear explanations explanatory of things explained.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head...\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I found out why my car was humming.  It had forgotten the words.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI hate quotations.\n\t\t-- Ralph Waldo Emerson\n"}, {"quote": "\nI hate trolls.  Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a\nravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon.\n\t\t-- Willow\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have a terrible headache,  I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have become me without my consent.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have more hit points that you can possible imagine.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI hear the sound that the machines make, and feel my heart break, just\nfor a moment.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI hear what you're saying but I just don't care.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI know it all.  I just can't remember it all at once.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said,\nbut I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI love treason but hate a traitor.\n\t\t-- Gaius Julius Caesar\n"}, {"quote": "\nI never did it that way before.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!\"\n\t\t-- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)\n"}, {"quote": "\nI predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI saw what you did and I know who you are.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI smell a wumpus.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI thought YOU silenced the guard!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI understand why you're confused.  You're thinking too much.\n\t\t-- Carole Wallach.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located?\n"}, {"quote": "\nI will always love the false image I had of you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI will make you shorter by the head.\n\t\t-- Elizabeth I\n"}, {"quote": "\nI will never lie to you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI will not forget you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.\n\t\t-- John Denver\n\n[I saw an eagle fly once.  Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy.  Ed.]\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm glad I was not born before tea.\n\t\t-- Sidney Smith (1771-1845)\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.\n\t\t-- John Foreman\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm not offering myself as an example; every life evolves by its own laws.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm not proud.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm so broke I can't even pay attention.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI've Been Moved!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI've been there.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIdentify your visitor.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIdleness is the holiday of fools.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far.\"\n\t\t-- Paul White\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf God is dead, who will save the Queen?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf God is One, what is bad?\n\t\t-- Charles Manson\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!\n\t\t-- Samuel Goldwyn\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf I love you, what business is it of yours?\n\t\t-- Johann van Goethe\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.\n\t\t-- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf life gives you lemons, make lemonade.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf life is merely a joke, the question still remains: for whose amusement?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf rabbits' feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf the ends don't justify the means, then what does?\n\t-- Robert Moses\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something\nto do with a shortage of flowers.\n\t\t-- Doug Larson\n\n\t[Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.]\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf the future isn't what it used to be, does that mean that the past\nis subject to change in times to come?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf the grass is greener on other side of fence, consider what may be\nfertilizing it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf the meanings of \"true\" and \"false\" were switched, then this sentence\nwould not be false.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances\nare 50-50 it will.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?\n\t\t-- Art Hoppe\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf we see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of an\noncoming train.\n\t\t-- Robert Lowell\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.\n\t\t-- John Galsworthy\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you have nothing to do, don't do it here.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you knew what to say next, would you say it?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you know the answer to a question, don't ask.\n\t\t-- Petersen Nesbit\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you stick your head in the sand, one thing is for sure, you're gonna\nget your rear kicked.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you're right 90"}, {"quote": " of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3"}, {"quote": "?\n"}, {"quote": "\nImagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.\n\t\t-- Jules de Gaultier\n"}, {"quote": "\nImagine what we can imagine!\n\t\t-- Arthur Rubinstein\n"}, {"quote": "\nImmanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.\n"}, {"quote": "\nImmanuel Kant but Kubla Khan.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn case of fire, stand in the hall and shout \"Fire!\"\n\t\t-- The Kidner Report\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn my end is my beginning.\n\t\t-- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn the war of wits, he's unarmed.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nInclude me out.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIndecision is the true basis for flexibility.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIndifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?\n"}, {"quote": "\nInsomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIs death legally binding?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIsn't air travel wonderful?  Breakfast in London, dinner in New York,\nluggage in Brazil.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the\nmanes of horses.  The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle\nbaker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest\nis nest, and never the mane shall tweet.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is a lesson which all history teaches wise men, to put trust in ideas,\nand not in circumstances.\n\t\t-- Emerson\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is better never to have been born.  But who among us has such luck?\nOne in a million, perhaps.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is better to be bow-legged than no-legged.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.\n\t\t-- Leonardo da Vinci\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is easier to run down a hill than up one.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is the business of the future to be dangerous.\n\t\t-- Hawkwind\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the future.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set foot.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze\nwas blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ...\n\t\t--- James Dent\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly.  It was more like\nthe rose and the teeth were in the same glass.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools.\n\t\t-- Danny Vermin\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth\nhave both failed.\n\t\t-- Kim Hubbard\n"}, {"quote": "\nJoe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!\n"}, {"quote": "\nJoin the march to save individuality!\n"}, {"quote": "\nJust because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.\n\t\t-- Irene Peter\n"}, {"quote": "\nJust give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKilroe hic erat!\n"}, {"quote": "\nKiss me twice.  I'm schizophrenic.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKnocked, you weren't in.\n\t\t-- Opportunity\n"}, {"quote": "\nKnow what I hate most?  Rhetorical questions.\n\t\t-- Henry N. Camp\n"}, {"quote": "\nL'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.  \n\t\t-- L. Pasteur\n"}, {"quote": "\nLa-dee-dee, la-dee-dah.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLake Erie died for your sins.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLanguage is a virus from another planet.\n\t-- William Burroughs\n"}, {"quote": "\nLaughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLemmings don't grow older, they just die.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLet he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLet me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLet others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.\n\t\t-- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18)\n"}, {"quote": "\nLet's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.\n\t\t-- Austen Briggs\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife -- Love It or Leave It.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife being what it is, one dreams of revenge.\n\t\t-- Paul Gauguin\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is both difficult and time consuming.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits?\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is like a simile.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is like an analogy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is not for everyone.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife would be tolerable but for its amusements.\n\t\t-- G.B. Shaw\n"}, {"quote": "\nLike winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLittering is dumb.\n\t\t-- Ronald Macdonald\n"}, {"quote": "\nLive fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!\n\t\t-- The Squirrels' Motto (The \"Hell's Angels of Nature\")\n"}, {"quote": "\nLook out!  Behind you!\u0007\u0007\u0007\u0007\u0007\u0007\u0007\u0007\u0007\u0007\u0007\u0007\u0007\u0007\u0007\u0007\u0007\u0007\u0007\u0007\u0007\u0007\n"}, {"quote": "\nLook!  Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLookie, lookie, here comes cookie...\n\t\t-- Stephen Sondheim\n"}, {"quote": "\nLosing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying \"BOOGA, BOOGA!\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nLost interest?  It's so bad I've lost apathy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove the sea?  I dote upon it -- from the beach.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLuck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.\n\t\t-- Russell Banks\n"}, {"quote": "\nMadness takes its toll.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMan who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMan who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMan who sleep in beer keg wake up sticky.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMay a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheesy lounge-lizard\nversions of songs from The Wizard of Oz.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMay a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMay the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMay your camel be as swift as the wind.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMay your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a\nThousand Caramels.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMeester, do you vant to buy a duck?\n"}, {"quote": "\nMemory should be the starting point of the present.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMene, mene, tekel, upharsen.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMetermaids eat their young.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMicrobiology Lab:  Staph Only!\n"}, {"quote": "\nMirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.\n\t-- Jean Cocteau\n"}, {"quote": "\nMobius strippers never show you their back side.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMoebius always does it on the same side.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMonday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMost burning issues generate far more heat than light.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMost general statements are false, including this one.\n\t\t-- Alexander Dumas\n"}, {"quote": "\nMother Earth is not flat!\n"}, {"quote": "\nMother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.\n\t\t-- Arnold Bennett\n"}, {"quote": "\nMount St. Helens should have used earth control.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMust be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my\nlife there.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy, how you've changed since I've changed.\n"}, {"quote": "\n'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan.\nNever odd or even.\nA man, a plan, a canal, Panama.\nMadam, I'm Adam.\nSit on a potato pan, Otis.\nSit on Otis.\n\t\t-- The Mad Palindromist\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever be afraid to tell the world who you are.\n\t\t-- Anonymous\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever use \"etc.\" -- it makes people think there is more where there is not\nor that there is not space to list it all, etc.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever volunteer for anything.\n\t\t-- Lackland\n"}, {"quote": "\nNew members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of\nCruelty to Yourself.  Apply within.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNietzsche is pietzsche, but Schiller is killer, and Goethe is moethe.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.\n\t\t-- William Blake\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo guts, no glory.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo matter how much you do you never do enough.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo small art is it to sleep: it is necessary for that purpose to keep\nawake all day.\n\t\t-- Nietzsche\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNobody ever died from oven crude poisoning.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNon-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.\n\t\t-- M.J. 0'Donnell\n"}, {"quote": "\nNon-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNostalgia is living life in the past lane.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNostalgia isn't what it used to be.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNot to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.\n\t\t-- Spinoza\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing can be done in one trip.\n\t\t-- Snider\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.\n\t\t-- Michel de Montaigne\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity.\n\t\t-- Ebner-Eschenbach\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing lasts forever.\nWhere do I find nothing?\n"}, {"quote": "\nNOTICE:\n\n-- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY --\n\n(The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.)\n"}, {"quote": "\nNow there's a violent movie titled, \"The Croquet Homicide,\" or \"Murder\nWith Mallets Aforethought.\"\n\t\t-- Shelby Friedman, WSJ.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNudists are people who wear one-button suits.\n"}, {"quote": "\nO imitators, you slavish herd!\n\t\t-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)\n"}, {"quote": "\nO.K., fine.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOdets, where is thy sting?\n\t\t-- George S. Kaufman\n"}, {"quote": "\nOh yeah?  Well, I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOh, wow!  Look at the moon!\n"}, {"quote": "\nOnce I finally figured out all of life's answers, they changed the questions.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOnward through the fog.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOperator, please trace this call and tell me where I am.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOur houseplants have a good sense of humous.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOur problems are so serious that the best way to talk about them is\nlightheartedly.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOver the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now\nI can remember things that *have* happened before ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nParanoid Club meeting this Friday.  Now ... just try to find out where!\n"}, {"quote": "\nPardon me while I laugh.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPaul Revere was a tattle-tale.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeace be to this house, and all that dwell in it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPhone call for chucky-pooh.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPiece of cake!\n\t\t-- G.S. Koblas\n"}, {"quote": "\nPlastic...  Aluminum...  These are the inheritors of the Universe!\nFlesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!\n\t\t-- Green Lantern Comics\n"}, {"quote": "\nPlease help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPlease remain calm, it's no use both of us being hysterical at the same time.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPredestination was doomed from the start.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPrediction is very difficult, especially of the future.\n\t\t-- Niels Bohr\n"}, {"quote": "\nPreserve the old, but know the new.\n"}, {"quote": "\nProgress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.\n\t\t-- Ogden Nash\n"}, {"quote": "\nProgress was all right.  Only it went on too long.\n\t\t-- James Thurber\n"}, {"quote": "\nPunning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPyros of the world... IGNITE !!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nQED.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQuack!\n\tQuack!! Quack!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nQuestion: Is it better to abide by the rules until they're changed or\nhelp speed the change by breaking them?\n"}, {"quote": "\nQuick!!  Act as if nothing has happened!\n"}, {"quote": "\nQuod erat demonstrandum.\n\t[Thus it is proven.  For those who wondered WTF QED means.]\n"}, {"quote": "\nRainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRainy days and Mondays always get me down.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReality -- what a concept!\n\t\t-- Robin Williams\n"}, {"quote": "\nRemember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.\n\t\t-- Hans Liepmann\n"}, {"quote": "\nRemember the... the... uhh.....\n"}, {"quote": "\nRemember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good offense!\n"}, {"quote": "\nResisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get\nanother chance later on.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRing around the collar.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRubber bands have snappy endings!\n"}, {"quote": "\nSafety Third.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSailors in ships, sail on!  Even while we died, others rode out the storm.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSank heaven for leetle curls.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSanta Claus is watching!\n"}, {"quote": "\nSanta's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSatire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSave the bales!\n"}, {"quote": "\nSave the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSave the whales.  Collect the whole set.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSee, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause\nthe second one should have seen it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nShe has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring -- they applaud.\n"}, {"quote": "\nShe's genuinely bogus.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart.\"\n\t\"Oh, yeah?  What's he look like?\"\n\t\"Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and\npaper boots.\"\n\t\"What's he wanted for?\"\n\t\"Rustling.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nSight is a faculty; seeing is an art.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSilence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.\n\t\t-- Thomas Carlyle\n"}, {"quote": "\nSilence is the only virtue you have left.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSlang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSleep is for the weak and sickly.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSmear the road with a runner!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nSolipsists of the World... you are already united.\n\t\t-- Kayvan Sylvan\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome changes are so slow, you don't notice them.  Others are so fast,\nthey don't notice you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome parts of the past must be preserved, and some of the future prevented\nat all costs.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome people live life in the fast lane.  You're in oncoming traffic.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSomeday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.\n\t\t-- Evan Davis\n"}, {"quote": "\nSomeday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it?\n"}, {"quote": "\nSomeday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will\nprobably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a\nblood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.\n\t\t-- Mister Boffo\n"}, {"quote": "\nSomehow I reached excess without ever noticing when I was passing through\nsatisfaction.\n\t\t-- Ashleigh Brilliant\n"}, {"quote": "\nSomehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSometimes, too long is too long.\n\t\t-- Joe Crowe\n"}, {"quote": "\nSomewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.\n\t\t-- Carl Sagan\n"}, {"quote": "\nSooner or later you must pay for your sins.\n(Those who have already paid may disregard this cookie).\n"}, {"quote": "\nSorry.  I forget what I was going to say.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSorry.  Nice try.\n"}, {"quote": "\nStability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.\n"}, {"quote": "\nStamp out philately.\n"}, {"quote": "\nStanding on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.\n"}, {"quote": "\nStealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.\n"}, {"quote": "\nStop me, before I kill again!\n"}, {"quote": "\nSupport the Girl Scouts!\n\t(Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!)\n"}, {"quote": "\nTake it easy, we're in a hurry.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTake what you can use and let the rest go by.\n\t\t-- Ken Kesey\n"}, {"quote": "\nTempt me with a spoon!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThank you for observing all safety precautions.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThat's odd.  That's very odd.  Wouldn't you say that's very odd?\n"}, {"quote": "\nThat's what she said.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.\n\t\t-- Clifton Fadiman\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe beauty of a pun is in the \"Oy!\" of the beholder.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe best prophet of the future is the past.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.\n\t\t-- Herbert von Fritzlar\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, \nand lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.  \n\t\t-- H.D. Thoreau\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe difference between this place and yogurt is that yogurt has a live culture.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.\n\t\t-- Anne Boleyn\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe fact that it works is immaterial.\n\t\t-- L. Ogborn\n"}, {"quote": "\n... the flaw that makes perfection perfect.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe future isn't what it used to be.  (It never was.)\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe future lies ahead.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe future not being born, my friend, we will abstain from baptizing it.\n\t\t-- George Meredith\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe groundhog is like most other prophets; it delivers its message and then\ndisappears.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom\nwhereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"The jig's up, Elman.\"\n\t\"Which jig?\"\n\t\t-- Jeff Elman\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Killer Ducks are coming!!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe most important things, each person must do for himself.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to\ncringe.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe past always looks better than it was.  It's only pleasant because\nit isn't here.\n\t\t-- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe philosopher's treatment of a question is like the treatment of an illness.\n\t\t-- Wittgenstein.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe pollution's at that awkward stage.  Too thick to navigate and too\nthin to cultivate.\n\t\t-- Doug Sneyd\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go\nto erase it.\n\t\t-- Glaser and Way\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe reader this message encounters not failing to understand is cursed.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe sheep died in the wool.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe sixth sheik's sixth sheep's sick.\n\t[so say said sentence sextuply...]\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.\n\t\t-- Judge Harold T. Stone\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.\n\t\t-- Hosea Ballou\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.\n\t\t-- Wavy Gravy\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe whole world is a scab.  The point is to pick it constructively.\n\t\t-- Peter Beard\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe world really isn't any worse.  It's just that the news coverage\nis so much better.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe world wants to be deceived.\n\t\t-- Sebastian Brant\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe worst part of valor is indiscretion.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThen, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her incredible\neyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy, acceptance, and peace.\n\"'Bye for now,\" she said warmly.\n\t\t-- Thea Alexander, \"2150 A.D.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are no rules for March.  March is spring, sort of, usually, March\nmeans maybe, but don't bet on it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are three things I always forget.  Names, faces -- the third I\ncan't remember.\n\t\t-- Italo Svevo\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.\n\t\t-- Lord Thomas Rober Dewar\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know\nnothing about.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.\n\t\t-- Walt Disney\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is always someone worse off than yourself.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is always something new out of Africa.\n\t\t-- Gaius Plinius Secundus\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is nothing new except what has been forgotten.\n\t\t-- Marie Antoinette\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere seems no plan because it is all plan.\n\t\t-- C.S. Lewis\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get\nany worse.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's nothing very mysterious about you, except that\nnobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThey finally got King Midas, I hear.  Gild by association.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThey just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThink big.  Pollute the Mississippi.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThink honk if you're a telepath.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThink sideways!\n\t\t-- Ed De Bono\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis is NOT a repeat.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.  And now you know why.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis must be morning.  I never could get the hang of mornings.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.\n\t\t-- Douglas Hofstadter\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis sentence no verb.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThree minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is\nirksome and three minutes is a long time.\n\t\t-- A.E. Houseman\n"}, {"quote": "\nThree o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too late or a little\ntoo early for anything you want to do.\n\t\t-- Jean-Paul Sartre\n"}, {"quote": "\nTime is but the stream I go a-fishing in.\n\t\t-- Henry David Thoreau\n"}, {"quote": "\nTime will end all my troubles, but I don't always approve of Time's methods.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo generalize is to be an idiot.\n\t\t-- William Blake\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo love is good, love being difficult.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo see you is to sympathize.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nTopologists are just plane folks.\n\tPilots are just plane folks.\n\t\tCarpenters are just plane folks.\n\t\t\tMidwest farmers are just plain folks.\n\t\tMusicians are just playin' folks.\n\tWhodunit readers are just Spillane folks.\nSome Londoners are just P. Lane folks.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTrouble always comes at the wrong time.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTrouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the\nnext job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of\na brand new series of three.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTrue to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of\npersonal futility, and of the beauty of the world.\n\t\t-- David Mamet\n"}, {"quote": "\nTwo cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.\n"}, {"quote": "\nUse a pun, go to jail.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.\n\t\t-- Pericles\n"}, {"quote": "\nWanna buy a duck?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWasting time is an important part of living.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM!\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.\n\t\t-- Carl Sagan\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe must die because we have known them.\n\t\t-- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWelcome to the Zoo!\n"}, {"quote": "\nWell thaaaaaaat's okay.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWell, the handwriting is on the floor.\n\t\t-- Joe E. Lewis\n"}, {"quote": "\nWell, we'll really have a party, but we've gotta post a guard outside.\n\t\t-- Eddie Cochran, \"Come On Everybody\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat causes the mysterious death of everyone?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat color is a chameleon on a mirror?\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"What did you do when the ship sank?\"\n\t\"I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat does \"it\" mean in the sentence \"What time is it?\"?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat excuses stand in your way?  How can you eliminate them?\n\t\t-- Roger von Oech\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat happens when you cut back the jungle?  It recedes.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat is the sound of one hand clapping?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat soon grows old?  Gratitude.\n\t\t-- Aristotle\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"What time is it?\"\n\t\"I don't know, it keeps changing.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.\n\t\t-- Wittgenstein\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for\nsomething to occur to you.\n\t\t-- Robert Frost\n \n\t[Quoted in \"VMS Internals and Data Structures\", V4.4, when\n\t referring to AST's.]\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat!?  Me worry?\n\t\t-- Alfred E. Newman\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat's all this brouhaha?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat's so funny?\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?\"\n\t\t-- The Doctor\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhatever became of eternal truth?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far!\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half loop?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen does later become never?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen eating an elephant take one bite at a time.\n\t\t-- Gen. C. Abrams\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.\n\t\t-- Billy Sunday\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen things go well, expect something to explode, erode, collapse or\njust disappear.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you're down and out, lift up your voice and shout, \"I'M DOWN AND OUT\"!\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen your memory goes, forget it!\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhere am I?  Who am I?  Am I?  I\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhere will it all end?  Probably somewhere near where it all began.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.\n\t\t-- Wittgenstein\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhich is worse: ignorance or apathy?  Who knows?  Who cares?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhip it, whip it good!\n"}, {"quote": "\nWho are you?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWho dat who say \"who dat\" when I say \"who dat\"?\n\t\t-- Hattie McDaniel\n"}, {"quote": "\nWho messed with my anti-paranoia shot?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWho will take care of the world after you're gone?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy are you so hard to ignore?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy do seagulls live near the sea?  'Cause if they lived near the bay,\nthey'd be called baygulls.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?\n\t\t-- Lily Tomlin\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy not go out on a limb?  Isn't that where the fruit is?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy would anyone want to be called \"Later\"?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWithout adventure, civilization is in full decay.\n\t\t-- Alfred North Whitehead\n"}, {"quote": "\nWould that my hand were as swift as my tongue.\n\t\t-- Alfieri\n"}, {"quote": "\nWould you care to drift aimlessly in my direction?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWould you care to view the ruins of my good intentions?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWRONG!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou auto buy now.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can cage a swallow, can't you,\n\tbut you can't swallow a cage, can you?\nGirl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy,\n\tfinds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl.\nA man, a plan, a canal -- Panama!\n\t\t-- The Palindromist\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to?\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"You've got to think about tomorrow!\"\n\t\"TOMORROW!  I haven't even prepared for *_________\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\byesterday* yet!\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nZeus gave Leda the bird.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question:\n\nIf you found yourself in a situation where you could either save\na drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning\nphotograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would you use?\n\t\t-- Paul Harvey\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tA journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe.\nRetorted the chef, \"Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we\nnever reveal our sauce.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nA newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure.\n\t\t-- Arthure \"Bugs\" Baer\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today.  The results blacked\nout 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.\"\n\t\t-- Steel City News\n"}, {"quote": "\nA young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new\nbonnet.  Coroner's verdict: \"Death from excessive spunk.\"\n\t\t-- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860\n"}, {"quote": "\nAdvertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.\n\t\t-- Thomas Jefferson\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from the hills after\nthe battle is over and shoot the wounded.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff.\n\t\t-- Adlai Stevenson\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of\nyour own.\"\n        \t-- \"Scoop\" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter Preposterous Words\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnd that's the way it is...\n\t\t-- Walter Cronkite\n"}, {"quote": "\nEarth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvery journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEverything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that\nrare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge.\n\t\t-- Erwin Knoll\n"}, {"quote": "\nFLASH!\nIntelligence of mankind decreasing.\nDetails at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ....\n"}, {"quote": "\n... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror,\nand you would not have been informed.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI only know what I read in the papers.\n\t\t-- Will Rogers\n"}, {"quote": "\nI read the newspaper avidly.  It is my one form of continuous fiction.\n\t\t-- Aneurin Bevan\n"}, {"quote": "\nI really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens\nwho, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known\nsomething of what has been passing in their time.\n\t\t-- H. Truman\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it\nbecause I can't swim.\n\t\t-- Bob Stanfield\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich, \nor famous or both.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an \"In-Depth\"\nPiece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.\n\t\t-- Frank Mankiewicz\n"}, {"quote": "\nIsn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent person could harbor\ntwo opposing ideas in his mind?\n\t\t-- Adlai Stevenson, to reporters\n"}, {"quote": "\nIts failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism\nin that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with\nthe ignorance of the community.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nJournalism is literature in a hurry.\n\t\t-- Matthew Arnold\n"}, {"quote": "\nJournalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMost rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who\ncan't talk for people who can't read.\n\t\t-- Frank Zappa\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy father was a God-fearing man, but he never missed a copy of the\nNew York Times, either.\n\t\t-- E.B. White\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.\n\t\t-- Sam Brown, \"The Washington Post\", January 26, 1977\n"}, {"quote": "\n\u0007\u0007\u0007\t\t\t*** NEWSFLASH ***\n\nRussian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!!  Details at eleven!\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of paper.\"\n\t\t-- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was\n\t\t   taken over by Rupert Murdoch\n"}, {"quote": "\nOf what you see in books, believe 75"}, {"quote": ".  Of newspapers, believe 50"}, {"quote": ".  And of\nTV news, believe 25"}, {"quote": " -- make that 5"}, {"quote": " if the anchorman wears a blazer.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he once had a\npublisher shot.\n\t\t-- Siegfried Unseld\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better\npress than people who are just funny and smart.\n\t\t-- Howard Simons, \"The Washington Post\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nPhotographing a volcano is just about the most miserable thing you can do.\n\t\t-- Robert B. Goodman\n\t[Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10.  Ed.]\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper.\n\t\t-- Thomas Jefferson\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends\nto form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon.\n\nFilm at 11:00.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe most important service rendered by the press is that of educating\npeople to approach printed matter with distrust. \n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The New York Times is read by the people who run the country.  The\nWashington Post is read by the people who think they run the country. The\nNational Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running\nthe country ...\"\n\t\t-- Robert J Woodhead\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a\nplausible manner and a little literary ability.  The capacity to steal\nother people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable.\n\t\t-- Nicolas Tomalin, \"Stop the Press, I Want to Get On\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe world really isn't any worse.  It's just that the news coverage\nis so much better.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?\"\n\t\"NO! ... I mean Yes!  WHAT?\"\n\t\"I'll put `maybe.'\"\n\t\t-- Bloom County\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis is a test of the emergency broadcast system.  Had there been an\nactual emergency, then you would no longer be here.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System.  If this had been an\nactual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis life is a test.  It is only a test.  Had this been an actual life, you\nwould have received further instructions as to what to do and where to go.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWarning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for\nthose who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking up.\n\t\t-- Chicago Reader 4/22/83\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou know the great thing about TV?  If something important happens\nanywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night,\nyou can always change the channel.\n\t\t-- Jim Ignatowski\n"}, {"quote": "\nA \"practical joker\" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality.\nBastinado is about right.  For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling.\nBut staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest.\n\t\t-- Lazarus Long\n"}, {"quote": "\nA 'full' life in my experience is usually full only of other people's demands.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA bore is a man who talks so much about himself that you can't talk about\nyourself.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have\nenlightened him with ours.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA city is a large community where people are lonesome together\n\t\t-- Herbert Prochnow\n"}, {"quote": "\nA compliment is something like a kiss through a veil.\n\t\t-- Victor Hugo\n"}, {"quote": "\nA cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern.\n\t\t-- Edgar A. Shoaff\n"}, {"quote": "\nA fair exterior is a silent recommendation.\n\t\t-- Publilius Syrus\n"}, {"quote": "\nA friend is a present you give yourself.\n\t\t-- Robert Louis Stevenson\n"}, {"quote": "\nA gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to\nyou about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to\nyou about yourself.\n\t\t-- Lisa Kirk\n"}, {"quote": "\nA healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own\nweight in other people's patience.\n\t\t-- John Updike\n"}, {"quote": "\nA man of genius makes no mistakes.\nHis errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.\n\t\t-- James Joyce, \"Ulysses\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tA man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police\nduring a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he\nwas making a bolt for the door.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA man who turns green has eschewed protein.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA narcissist is someone better looking than you are.\n\t\t-- Gore Vidal\n"}, {"quote": "\nA paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on.\n\t\t-- William S. Burroughs\n"}, {"quote": "\nA pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"A penny for your thoughts?\"\n\t\"A dollar for your death.\"\n\t\t-- The Odd Couple\n"}, {"quote": "\nA person forgives only when they are in the wrong.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something.\nA person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.\n\t\t-- Elbert Hubbard\n"}, {"quote": "\nA pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your\nlast pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something\nof yours to press against my heart.\n\t\t-- Goethe\n"}, {"quote": "\nA prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions.\n\t\t-- George Eliot\n"}, {"quote": "\nA private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency.\n\t\t-- Miguel de Cervantes\n"}, {"quote": "\nA real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away.\nA real friend is someone you can use over and over again.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and\nthe real reason.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single \nman contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.\n\t\t-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery\n"}, {"quote": "\nA sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep\nhim from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are\nworth committing.\n\t\t-- Samuel Butler\n"}, {"quote": "\nA total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,\nand especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nA truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor.\n\t\t-- B. Franklin\n"}, {"quote": "\nA well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without\ngetting nervous.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA well-known friend is a treasure.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAccept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAccording to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never dies.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAdam was but human--this explains it all.  He did not want the apple for the\napple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden.  The mistake was in\nnot forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain, \"Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAdvice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAdvice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic,\nthen at least be aseptic.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAfter all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best.\n\t\t-- Jean Giraudoux\n"}, {"quote": "\nAfter all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party?  Surely not for\nyou to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply\nsent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.\n\t\t-- P.J. O'Rourke\n"}, {"quote": "\nAfter living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe everything.\nJust in case.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tAfter Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the\nseven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed.  Later she was heard to\nsing, \"Some day my prints will come.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAgainst stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain.\n\t\t-- Friedrich von Schiller, \"The Maid of Orleans\", III, 6\n"}, {"quote": "\nAh say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAh, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over!\n"}, {"quote": "\nAl didn't smile for forty years.  You've got to admire a man like that.\n\t\t-- from \"Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlbert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself\nor not.  Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has\na beginning and an end.  Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and\nRobbins must have forgotten to set the alarm.\n\t\t-- Tom Robbins\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll God's children are not beautiful.  Most of God's children are, in fact,\nbarely presentable.\n\t\t-- Fran Lebowitz, \"Metropolitan Life\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky,\nto the future.  Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing.\n\t\t-- Yoda\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.\n\t\t-- Ashleigh Brilliant\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll men have the right to wait in line.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll men profess honesty as long as they can.  To believe all men honest\nwould be folly.  To believe none so is something worse.\n\t\t-- John Quincy Adams\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll most people want is a little more than they'll ever get.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll my friends and I are crazy.  That's the only thing that keeps us sane.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.\"\n\t\t-- Jane Wagner\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll of the animals except man know that the principal business of life is\nto enjoy it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no.\n\t\t-- Susan Sontag\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism\nto live beyond its income.\n\t\t-- Samuel Butler, \"Notebooks\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.\n\t\t-- Sean O'Casey\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each\nother, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information.\nThis seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with\nour lives.\"\n\t\t-- Lewis Thomas, \"The Lives of a Cell\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlways borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlways remember that you are unique.  Just like everyone else.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAmbition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.\n\t\t-- Charlie McCarthy\n"}, {"quote": "\nAmerica's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn evil mind is a great comfort.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn expert is a person who avoids the small errors as he sweeps on to the\ngrand fallacy.\n\t\t-- Benjamin Stolberg\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows\nabsolutely everything about nothing.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit.\n\t\t-- Henry Ford\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be\ndevoured.\n\t\t-- Konrad Adenauer\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.\n\t\t-- Albert Camus\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn optimist is a guy that has never had much experience.\n\t\t-- Don Marquis\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnd I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big\nones.  The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them.  The\nlittle things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about\nthem, aren't braced against them.\n\t\t-- Marion Zimmer Bradley, \"The Forbidden Tower\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnd I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free!\nMy only reward will be a tombstone that says \"Here lies Gomez Addams --\nhe was good for nothing.\"\n\t\t-- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnd on the eighth day, we bulldozed it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnd the crowd was stilled.  One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence,\nturned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said.  Wide-eyed,\nthe Child raised his voice and said once again, \"Why, the Emperor has no\nclothes!  He is naked!\"\n\t\t-- \"The Emperor's New Clothes\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for\nyou to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going\nand making yourself like everybody else.  You feel that, don't you?\"  said\nhe, earnestly.\n\t\t-- William Morris, \"Notes from Nowhere\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnger is momentary madness.\n\t\t-- Horace\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnger kills as surely as the other vices.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnimals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen.\nHomo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself.\n\t\t-- Lazarus Long\n"}, {"quote": "\nAny clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.\n\t\t-- Charles McCabe\n"}, {"quote": "\nAny fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know\nhow to lie well.\n\t\t-- Samuel Butler\n"}, {"quote": "\nAny man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit\nrattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out of\nseason, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that\nrequires a heroism which is transcendent.\n\t\t-- Henry Ward Beecher\n"}, {"quote": "\nAny man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.\n\t\t-- Leo Rosten, on W.C. Fields\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is\nprobably parked.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right\nperson, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose\nand in the right way -- that is not easy.\n\t\t-- Aristotle\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty.\n"}, {"quote": "\nApathy Club meeting this Friday.  If you want to come, you're not invited.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAppearances often are deceiving.\n\t\t-- Aesop\n"}, {"quote": "\nArgue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.\n\t\t-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul\n"}, {"quote": "\nArguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone in good society holds exactly\nthe same opinion.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.\"\n\t\t-- Kehlog Albran, \"The Profit\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAs crazy as hauling timber into the woods.\n\t\t-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)\n"}, {"quote": "\nAs you grow older, you will still do foolish things, but you will do them\nwith much more enthusiasm.\n\t\t-- The Cowboy\n"}, {"quote": "\nAsk not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of.\n\t\t-- J.J. Gibson\n"}, {"quote": "\nAsk yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.\n\t\t-- John Stuart Mill\n"}, {"quote": "\nAt no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his\nthumb with a hammer.\n\t\t-- Marshall Lumsden\n"}, {"quote": "\nBack when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere, uphill both ways\nand it was always snowing.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBacon's not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBad men live that they may eat and drink, whereas good men eat and drink\nthat they may live.\n\t\t-- Socrates\n"}, {"quote": "\nBe braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBe careful how you get yourself involved with persons or situations that\ncan't bear inspection.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBe careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours.\n\t\t-- James Baldwin, \"Nobody Knows My Name\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nBe incomprehensible.  If they can't understand, they can't disagree.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBe independent.  Insult a rich relative today.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBe nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down.\n\t\t-- Wilson Mizner\n"}, {"quote": "\nBe not anxious about what you have, but about what you are.\n\t\t-- Pope St. Gregory I\n"}, {"quote": "\nBe open to other people -- they may enrich your dream.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBe self-reliant and your success is assured.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBe valiant, but not too venturous.\nLet thy attire be comely, but not costly.\n\t\t-- John Lyly\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.\n\t\t-- Redd Foxx\n"}, {"quote": "\nBefore borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.\n\t\t-- Addison H. Hallock\n"}, {"quote": "\nBefore destruction a man's heart is haughty, but humility goes before honour.\n\t\t-- Psalms 18:12\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeing popular is important.  Otherwise people might not like you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeing ugly isn't illegal.  Yet.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBetter by far you should forget and smile than that you should remember\nand be sad.\n\t\t-- Christina Rossetti\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a\ndrip under pressure.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and\nfinds himself no wiser than before,\" Bokonon tells us.  \"He is full of\nmurderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by\ntheir ignorance the hard way.\"\n\t\t-- Kurt Vonnegut, \"Cat's Cradle\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nBEWARE!  People acting under the influence of human nature.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBirds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBirthdays are like busses, never the number you want.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBlessed are the forgetful:  for they get the better even of their blunders.\n\t\t-- Nietzsche\n"}, {"quote": "\nBlessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded\nto say it.\n\t\t-- James Russell Lowell\n"}, {"quote": "\nBlessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.\n\t\t-- W.C. Bennett\n"}, {"quote": "\nBlessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.\n\t\t-- Alexander Pope\n"}, {"quote": "\nBlessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it,\nfor he shall enjoy living.\n\t\t-- W.C. Bennett\n"}, {"quote": "\nBlessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving\nwordy evidence of the fact.\n\t\t-- George Eliot\n"}, {"quote": "\nBounders get bound when they are caught bounding.\n\t\t-- Ralph Lewin\n"}, {"quote": "\nBrisk talkers are usually slow thinkers.  There is, indeed, no wild beast\nmore to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate.\nIf you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if\nbrusque, your character.\n\t\t-- Jonathan Swift\n"}, {"quote": "\nBuck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBut Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast\nto the nearest gas station.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nBut since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than \nfrivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them?  \n\t\t-- M. Proust\n"}, {"quote": "\nBy doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task\ncompletely overwhelm you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBy failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBy nature, men are nearly alike; by practice, they get to be wide apart.\n\t\t-- Confucius\n"}, {"quote": "\nCalling you stupid is an insult to stupid people!\n\t\t-- Wanda, \"A Fish Called Wanda\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nCan you buy friendship?  You not only can, you must.  It's the\nonly way to obtain friends.  Everything worthwhile has a price.\n\t\t-- Robert J. Ringer\n"}, {"quote": "\nCertainly there are things in life that money can't buy,\nBut it's very funny -- did you ever try buying them without money?\n\t\t-- Ogden Nash\n"}, {"quote": "\nCharacter is what you are in the dark!\n\t\t-- Lord John Whorfin\n"}, {"quote": "\nCharlie Brown:\tWhy was I put on this earth?\nLinus:\t\tTo make others happy.\nCharlie Brown:\tWhy were others put on this earth?\n"}, {"quote": "\nCharm is a way of getting the answer \"Yes\" -- without having asked any\nclear question.\n"}, {"quote": "\nClass, that's the only thing that counts in life.  Class.\nWithout class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead.\n\t\t-- \"Bugsy\" Siegel\n"}, {"quote": "\nClass: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're\nleading the parade.\n\t\t-- Bill Battie\n"}, {"quote": "\nClones are people two.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCloning is the sincerest form of flattery.\n"}, {"quote": "\nComing together is a beginning;\n\tkeeping together is progress;\n\t\tworking together is success.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCommon sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at\ndifferent speeds.  A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.\n\t\t-- Clive James\n"}, {"quote": "\nCommon sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.\n\t\t-- Josh Billings\n"}, {"quote": "\nCommon sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.\n\t\t-- Albert Einstein\n"}, {"quote": "\nCommon sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world.\nEveryone thinks he has enough.\n\t-- Descartes, 1637\n"}, {"quote": "\nConceit causes more conversation than wit.\n\t\t-- LaRouchefoucauld\n"}, {"quote": "\nConfess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven;\nconfess them to man and you will be laughed at.\n\t\t-- Josh Billings\n"}, {"quote": "\nConfession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is\ngood for dandruff.\n\t\t-- Peter de Vries\n"}, {"quote": "\nConfession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.\n"}, {"quote": "\nConfessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for the reputation.\n\t\t-- Lord Thomas Dewar\n"}, {"quote": "\nConfidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you\nfall flat on your face.\n\t\t-- Dr. L. Binder\n"}, {"quote": "\nConfidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.\n"}, {"quote": "\nConformity is the refuge of the unimaginative.\n"}, {"quote": "\nConscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.\n\t\t-- H. L. Mencken\n"}, {"quote": "\nConscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.\n\t\t-- H.L. Mencken, \"A Mencken Chrestomathy\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nConscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.\n"}, {"quote": "\nConscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you\nwish you weren't.\n"}, {"quote": "\nConvention is the ruler of all.\n\t\t-- Pindar\n"}, {"quote": "\nConversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the school of genius.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the line-up.\n\t\t-- Raymond Chandler\n"}, {"quote": "\nCorrection does much, but encouragement does more.\n\t\t-- Goethe\n"}, {"quote": "\nCourage is fear that has said its prayers.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCourage is grace under pressure.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCreativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for\npeculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being\nahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll\nsay it was obvious all along.\n\t\t-- Alan Ashley-Pitt\n"}, {"quote": "\nCreativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCreativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility;\nsometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCriticism comes easier than craftsmanship.\n\t\t-- Zeuxis\n"}, {"quote": "\nDare to be naive.\n\t\t-- R. Buckminster Fuller\n"}, {"quote": "\nDave Mack:\t\"Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par.\"\nAllen Gwinn:\t\"Yours is.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nDear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may\nhave to eat them.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDeath rays don't kill people, people kill people!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nDefeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.\n\t\t-- Bill Musselman\n"}, {"quote": "\nDelay is preferable to error.\n\t\t-- Thomas Jefferson\n"}, {"quote": "\nDid you know that clones never use mirrors?\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nDishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead.\n\t\t-- Euripides\n"}, {"quote": "\nDistance doesn't make you any smaller, but it does make you part of a\nlarger picture.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo clones have navels?\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo not do unto others as you would they should do unto you.  Their tastes\nmay not be the same.\n\t\t-- George Bernard Shaw\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each\nday as it comes.\n\t\t-- Donald Kaul\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo you mean that you not only want a wrong answer, but a certain wrong answer?\n\t\t-- Tobaben\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take\nthe time to take the dirt out of them?\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't believe everything you hear or anything you say.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't change the reason, just change the excuses!\n\t\t-- Joe Cointment\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't confuse things that need action with those that take care of themselves.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day.\n\t\t-- Josh Billings\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't expect people to keep in step--it's hard enough just staying in line.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't interfere with the stranger's style.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted.\n\t\t-- Miguel de Cervantes\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't remember what you can infer.\n\t\t-- Harry Tennant\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't say \"yes\" until I finish talking.\n\t\t-- Darryl F. Zanuck\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't shout for help at night.  You might wake your neighbors.\n\t\t-- Stanislaw J. Lem, \"Unkempt Thoughts\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't tell me that worry doesn't do any good.  I know better.  The things\nI worry about don't happen.\n\t\t-- Watchman Examiner\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't tell me what you dreamed last night for I've been reading Freud.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't try to have the last word -- you might get it.\n\t\t-- Lazarus Long\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't try to outweird me, three-eyes.  I get stranger things than you free\nwith my breakfast cereal.\n\t\t-- Zaphod Beeblebrox\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts\navoiding you.\n\t\t-- The Old Farmer's Almanac\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't worry about people stealing your ideas.  If your ideas are any good,\nyou'll have to ram them down people's throats.\n\t\t-- Howard Aiken\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't worry over what other people are thinking about you.  They're too\nbusy worrying over what you are thinking about them.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't you wish that all the people who sincerely want to help you\ncould agree with each other?\n"}, {"quote": "\nDorothy:\tBut how can you talk without a brain?\nScarecrow:\tWell, I don't know... but some people without brains\n\t\tdo an awful lot of talking.\n\t\t-- The Wizard of Oz\n"}, {"quote": "\nDoubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.\n\t\t-- Voltaire\n"}, {"quote": "\nDrive defensively.  Buy a tank.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEarly to bed and early to rise and you'll be groggy when everyone else is\nwide awake.\n"}, {"quote": "\nElevators smell different to midgets.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEnjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEnjoy yourself while you're still old.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEnvy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors.\n\t\t-- Onasander\n"}, {"quote": "\nEtiquette is for those with no breeding; fashion for those with no taste.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEven a hawk is an eagle among crows.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEven God lends a hand to honest boldness.\n\t\t-- Menander\n"}, {"quote": "\nEven if you persuade me, you won't persuade me.\n\t\t-- Aristophanes\n"}, {"quote": "\nEven if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.\n\t\t-- Will Rogers\n"}, {"quote": "\nEven moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvery improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.\n\t\t-- Frank Moore Colby\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvery man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.\n\t\t-- Miguel de Cervantes\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvery man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits\nof the world.\n\t\t-- Schopenhauer\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvery time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEverybody has something to conceal.\n\t\t-- Humphrey Bogart\n"}, {"quote": "\nEverybody is somebody else's weirdo.\n\t\t-- Dykstra\n"}, {"quote": "\nEverybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEveryone complains of his memory, no one of his judgement.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEveryone hates me because I'm paranoid.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEveryone is a genius.  It's just that some people are too stupid to realize it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEveryone is entitled to my opinion.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEveryone is more or less mad on one point.\n\t\t-- Rudyard Kipling\n"}, {"quote": "\nEveryone talks about apathy, but no one ____\b\b\b\bdoes anything about it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEveryone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes to get them.\n\t\t-- Dirty Harry\n"}, {"quote": "\nEveryone was born right-handed.  Only the greatest overcome it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEveryone's in a high place when you're on your knees.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvil is that which one believes of others.  It is a sin to believe evil\nof others, but it is seldom a mistake.\n\t\t-- H.L. Mencken\n"}, {"quote": "\nExample is not the main thing in influencing others.  It is the only thing.\n\t\t-- Albert Schweitzer\n"}, {"quote": "\nExcess on occasion is exhilarating.  It prevents moderation from\nacquiring the deadening effect of a habit.\n\t\t-- W. Somerset Maugham\n"}, {"quote": "\nExhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you,\nand just before you realize what is wrong with it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nExperience is not what happens to you; it is what you do with what happens\nto you.\n\t\t-- Aldous Huxley\n"}, {"quote": "\nExperience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake\nwhen you make it again.\n\t\t-- Franklin P. Jones\n"}, {"quote": "\nExperience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.\n"}, {"quote": "\nExperience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.\n"}, {"quote": "\nExperience is what you get when you were expecting something else.\n"}, {"quote": "\nExperience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye,\nparticularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something.\n\t\t-- Clifton Fadiman, \"Enter Conversing\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nFame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it\nevery six months.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nFashions have done more harm than revolutions.\n\t\t-- Victor Hugo\n"}, {"quote": "\nFlattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed.\n\t\t-- Josh Billings\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be\nalways old-fashioned.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.\n\t\t-- Harrison\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.\n\t\t-- R. Clopton\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.\n\t\t-- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence\nof events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind.\"\n\t\"Whose?\"\n\t\"MINE! HA-HA!\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble:\nand whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust.\n\t\t-- Sir Thomas More\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to\nget themselves filed.\n\t\t-- Clifton Fadiman\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they will like.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor perfect happiness, remember two things:\n\t(1) Be content with what you've got.\n\t(2) Be sure you've got plenty.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.\n\t\t-- Abraham Lincoln\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but\nphone calls taper off.\"\n\t\t-- Johnny Carson\n"}, {"quote": "\nFortune finishes the great quotations, #2\n\n\tIf at first you don't succeed, think how many people\n\tyou've made happy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFortune finishes the great quotations, #21\n\n\tShall I compare thee to a Summer day?\n\tNo, I guess not.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFortune finishes the great quotations, #6\n\n\t\"But, soft!  What light through yonder window breaks?\"\n\tIt's nothing, honey.  Go back to sleep.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFour fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on tombstones, women\nand competitors.\n\t\t-- Lord Thomas Dewar\n"}, {"quote": "\nFriends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.\n\t\t-- Thomas Jones\n"}, {"quote": "\nFriendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority\nover the other.\n\t\t-- Honore DeBalzac\n"}, {"quote": "\nGenius is the talent of a person who is dead.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGenius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.\n\t\t-- Elbert Hubbard\n"}, {"quote": "\nGet forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGive me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGo out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you.\n\t\t-- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in \"The Bacchae\" by Euripides\n"}, {"quote": "\nGo slowly to the entertainments of thy friends, but quickly to their\nmisfortunes.\n\t\t-- Chilo\n"}, {"quote": "\nGod gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGod must love the common man; He made so many of them.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGood advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGood advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad\nexample.\n\t\t-- La Rouchefoucauld\n"}, {"quote": "\nGood judgement comes from experience.  Experience comes from bad judgement.\n\t\t-- Jim Horning\n"}, {"quote": "\nGratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion.\n\t\t-- Joseph Alsop\n"}, {"quote": "\nGreat minds run in great circles.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGreatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGrowing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives.\n\t\t-- Maurice Chevalier\n"}, {"quote": "\nHalf of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHalf the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't,\nand the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHate is like acid.  It can damage the vessel in which it is stored as well\nas destroy the object on which it is poured.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHate the sin and love the sinner.\n\t\t-- Mahatma Gandhi\n"}, {"quote": "\nHave no friends not equal to yourself.\n\t\t-- Confucius\n"}, {"quote": "\nHaving no talent is no longer enough.\n\t\t-- Gore Vidal\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation perfectly\ndelightful.\n\t\t-- Sydney Smith\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and heavy\npresence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope of ever\nbehaving \"normally.\"\n\t\t-- Hunter S. Thompson, \"Fear and Loathing '72\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe hadn't a single redeeming vice.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe is a man capable of turning any colour into grey.\n\t\t-- John LeCarre \n"}, {"quote": "\nHe is considered a most graceful speaker who can say nothing in the most words.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.\n\t\t-- Samuel Johnson\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told, once when\nit's explained, and once when he understands it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.\n\t\t-- Ring Lardner\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.\n\t\t-- Andrew Lang\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain\nhad fallen to the ground.\n\t\t-- The Book of Serenity\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser.\n\t\t-- Friedrich Nietzsche\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who minds his own business is never unemployed.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned.\n\t\t-- Sinbad\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.\n\t\t-- M.C. Escher\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd\nbe there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ...\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHere I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when\nI grow up.\n\t\t-- Peter Drucker\n"}, {"quote": "\nHi!  I'm Larry.  This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother\nJimbo.  We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHiggins:\tDoolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue.\nDoolittle:\tA little of both, Guv'nor.  Like the rest of us, a\n\t\tlittle of both.\n\t\t-- Shaw, \"Pygmalion\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHindsight is always 20:20.\n\t\t-- Billy Wilder\n"}, {"quote": "\nHindsight is an exact science.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHis life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHis mind is like a steel trap: full of mice.\n\t\t-- Foghorn Leghorn\n"}, {"quote": "\nHistory repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second\ntime as bedroom farce.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHistory repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHistory repeats itself.  That's one thing wrong with history.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHome is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.\n\t\t-- Robert Frost, \"The Death of the Hired Man\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHome life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a cage is\nto a cockatoo.\n\t\t-- George Bernard Shaw\n"}, {"quote": "\nHope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.\n\t\t-- Francis Bacon\n"}, {"quote": "\nHope is a waking dream.\n\t\t-- Aristotle\n"}, {"quote": "\nHope not, lest ye be disappointed.\n\t\t-- M. Horner\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards in reasoning,\nand are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule?\n\t\t-- A. Cooper\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow many \"coming men\" has one known!  Where on earth do they all go to?\n\t\t-- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero\n"}, {"quote": "\nHowever, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional\nmanner ... sulking and nausea.\n\t\t-- Tom K. Ryan\n"}, {"quote": "\nHuman kind cannot bear very much reality.\n\t\t-- T.S. Eliot, \"Four Quartets: Burnt Norton\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHumanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, \nresponsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and \nimmature.\n\t\t-- Tom Robbins\n"}, {"quote": "\nHumans are communications junkies.  We just can't get enough.\n\t\t-- Alan Kay\n"}, {"quote": "\nHumility is the first of the virtues -- for other people.\n\t\t-- Oliver Wendell Holmes\n"}, {"quote": "\nI allow the world to live as it chooses, and I allow myself to live as I\nchoose.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their\ngood intellects.  Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde, \"The Picture of Dorian Gray\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI always pass on good advice.  It is the only thing to do with it.\nIt is never any good to oneself.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde, \"An Ideal Husband\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI always say beauty is only sin deep.\n\t\t-- Saki, \"Reginald's Choir Treat\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI am an optimist.  It does not seem too much use being anything else.\n\t\t-- Winston Churchill\n"}, {"quote": "\nI am firm.  You are obstinate.  He is a pig-headed fool.\n\t\t-- Katharine Whitehorn\n"}, {"quote": "\nI am looking for a honest man.\n\t\t-- Diogenes the Cynic\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I am ready to meet my Maker.  Whether my Maker is prepared for the\ngreat ordeal of meeting me is another matter.\"\n\t\t-- Winston Churchill\n"}, {"quote": "\nI believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.\n\t\t-- G.K. Chesterton\n"}, {"quote": "\nI call them as I see them.  If I can't see them, I make them up.\n\t\t-- Biff Barf\n"}, {"quote": "\nI can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't.\n\t\t-- Nero Wolfe, \"Over My Dead Body\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write\nfaster than anybody who can write better.\n\t\t-- A.J. Liebling\n"}, {"quote": "\nI can't seem to bring myself to say, \"Well, I guess I'll be toddling along.\"\nIt isn't that I can't toddle.  It's that I can't guess I'll toddle.\n\t\t-- Robert Benchley\n"}, {"quote": "\nI can't stand squealers; hit that guy.\n\t\t-- Albert Anastasia\n"}, {"quote": "\nI can't understand it.  I can't even understand the people who can\nunderstand it.\n\t\t-- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas.  I'm frightened\nof the old ones.\n\t\t-- John Cage\n"}, {"quote": "\nI cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.\n\t\t-- Lillian Hellman\n"}, {"quote": "\nI consider the day misspent that I am not either charged with a crime,\nor arrested for one.\n\t\t-- \"Ratsy\" Tourbillon\n"}, {"quote": "\nI didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired.  But maybe that's what\nsophisticated is -- being tired.\n\t\t-- Rita Gain\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I didn't know it was impossible when I did it.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI disagree with what you say, but will defend to the death your right to\ntell such LIES!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI do not know myself and God forbid that I should.\n\t\t-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe\n"}, {"quote": "\nI do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern,\nany adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted.  Mythology\ncomes nearest to it of any.\n\t\t-- Henry David Thoreau\n"}, {"quote": "\nI don't know who my grandfather was; I am much more concerned to know\nwhat his grandson will be.\n\t\t-- Abraham Lincoln\n"}, {"quote": "\nI don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game.\n\t\t-- Cash McCall\n"}, {"quote": "\nI don't mind arguing with myself.  It's when I lose that it bothers me.\n\t\t-- Richard Powers\n"}, {"quote": "\nI don't remember it, but I have it written down.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital.  On the other\nhand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I don't understand,\" said the scientist, \"why you lemmings all rush down\nto the sea and drown yourselves.\"\n\n\"How curious,\" said the lemming. \"The one thing I don't understand is why\nyou human beings don't.\"\n\t\t-- James Thurber\n"}, {"quote": "\nI don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.\n\t\t-- Mae West\n"}, {"quote": "\nI give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who?\n\t\t-- Beauregard Bugleboy\n"}, {"quote": "\nI got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals.\n\t\t-- Butch Cassidy\n"}, {"quote": "\nI guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of other people...\nCertainty is just an emotion.\n\t\t-- Hal Clement\n"}, {"quote": "\nI hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know\nhow bad I am.\n\t\t-- Samuel Johnson\n"}, {"quote": "\nI hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park\nthere's nothing else to do.\n\t\t-- Lenny Bruce\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable\nto sit still in a room.\n\t\t-- Blaise Pascal\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have found little that is good about human beings.  In my experience\nmost of them are trash.\n\t\t-- Sigmund Freud\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.\n\t\t-- Edgar Allan Poe\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have learned silence from the talkative,\ntoleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind.\n\t\t-- Kahlil Gibran\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming\nthat I have never made one.\n\t\t-- James Gordon Bennett\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his\nown eyes.  What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks\nof himself.  To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin.\n\t\t-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery\n"}, {"quote": "\nI knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better\ntake one along that worked.\n\t\t-- Raymond Chandler\n"}, {"quote": "\nI love mankind ... It's people I hate.\n\t\t-- Schulz\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but don't\nlet appearances fool you.  I'm approaching old age ... at the speed of light.\"\n\t\t-- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk\n"}, {"quote": "\nI may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.\n\t\t-- Ashleigh Brilliant\n"}, {"quote": "\nI never killed a man that didn't deserve it.\n\t\t-- Mickey Cohen\n"}, {"quote": "\nI prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.\n\t\t-- Alexandre Dumas, fils\n"}, {"quote": "\nI profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.\n\t\t-- William F. Buckley\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was\nsupposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which actually\nmade me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ...\"\n\t\t-- Dave Barry, \"The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning\n\t\t   Points in l'Amour\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nI think I'm schizophrenic.  One half of me's paranoid and the other half's\nout to get him.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce\ndesire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of\nthe quest.\n\t\t-- Madeleine Gobeil\n"}, {"quote": "\nI used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in\nmy body.  Then I realized who was telling me this.\n\t\t-- Emo Phillips\n"}, {"quote": "\nI waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI will follow the good side right to the fire, but not into it if I can\nhelp it.\n\t\t-- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd\nlisten to it!\n\t\t-- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's\nin the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ.\n\t\t-- W. Somerset Maugham, \"The Summing Up\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't\nthat good.\n\t\t-- Amy Gorin\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____\b\b\b\bREAL\nsoon ...\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm successful because I'm lucky.   The harder I work, the luckier I get.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI've already told you more than I know.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI've found my niche.  If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was\nthis little hole in the bottom ...\n\t\t-- John Croll\n"}, {"quote": "\nI've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes\non the same day.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer\"\n\t\t-- Senator Claghorn\n"}, {"quote": "\nIdeas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like\nsolitary confinement.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed.\n\t\t-- Thomas Wolfe\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf God had really intended men to fly, he'd make it easier to get to the\nairport.\n\t\t-- George Winters\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid, He wouldn't have given you such\na vivid imagination.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?\n\t\t-- Marvin Kitman\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf he should ever change his faith, it'll be because he no longer thinks\nhe's God.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top?\n\t\t-- Jerry Muscha\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform.\n\t\t-- Mary Wilson Little\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.\n\t\t-- A. Einstein.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde, \"Phrases and Philosophies for the Use\n\t\tof the Young\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf only I could be respected without having to be respectable.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without\nhaving to accomplish anything.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf only you had a personality instead of an attitude.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward,\nthen we are a sorry lot indeed.\n\t\t-- Albert Einstein\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf people see that you mean them no harm, they'll never hurt you, nine\ntimes out of ten!\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf someone says he will do something \"without fail\", he won't.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.  If\nthe weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.  If the\nbulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will\nexceed all expectations.\n\t\t-- Reverend Chichester\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.\n\t\t-- Edward A. Murphy Jr.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf there was any justice in the world, \"trust\" would be a four-letter word.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf we were meant to get up early, God would have created us with alarm clocks.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?\n\t\t-- Ann Edwards-Duff\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you are honest because honesty is the best policy, your honesty is corrupt.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, then\nyou clearly don't understand the situation.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.\n\t\t-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you cannot in the long run tell everyone what you have been doing,\nyour doing was worthless.\n\t\t-- Edwim Schrodinger\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you continually give you will continually have.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you didn't get caught, did you really do it?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you didn't have most of your friends, you wouldn't have most of\nyour problems.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about\nit; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else.\n\t\t-- Carlyle\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you don't do it, you'll never know what would have happened if you\nhad done it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.\n\t\t-- Clarence Day\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter.\n\t\t-- Freeman Dyson\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.\n\t\t-- Calvin Coolidge\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you float on instinct alone, how can you calculate the buoyancy for\nthe computed load?\n\t\t-- Christopher Hodder-Williams\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you go out of your mind, do it quietly, so as not to disturb those\naround you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to\nboot yourself in the posterior.\n\t\t-- A.J. Liebling, \"The Press\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of\nrubbish into it.\n\t\t-- William Orton\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets\nand fire them all off, wouldn't you?\n\t\t-- Garrison Keillor\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.\n\t\t-- Robert Pante, fashion consultant\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you\nreally make them think they'll hate you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.\n\t\t-- Schmidt\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you notice that a person is deceiving you, they must not be\ndeceiving you very well.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have\nschizophrenia.\n\t\t-- Thomas Szasz\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.\n\t\t-- Arthur Kasspe\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you\nlack sufficient imagination.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that\nfictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and\nheartbeats.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you would understand your own age, read the works of fiction produced\nin it.  People in disguise speak freely.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you're careful enough, nothing bad or good will ever happen to you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you're constantly being mistreated, you're cooperating with the treatment.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow\nmorning, sleep late.\n\t\t-- Henny Youngman\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you're happy, you're successful.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.\n\t\t-- Benjamin Disraeli\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker know the truth of\nthe matter about which he is to speak?\n\t\t-- Plato\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn matters of principle, stand like a rock;\nin matters of taste, swim with the current.\n\t\t-- Thomas Jefferson\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn most instances, all an argument proves is that two people are present.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing.\n\t\t-- Alan Kay\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not displeasing\nto us.\n\t\t-- La Rochefoucauld, \"Maxims\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn this world some people are going to like me and some are not.  So, I may\nas well be me.  Then I know if someone likes me, they like me.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn this world there are only two tragedies.  One is not getting what one\nwants, and the other is getting it.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nInnocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one likes oneself.\n\t\t-- Joan Didion, \"On Self Respect\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIntolerance is the last defense of the insecure.\n"}, {"quote": "\nInvolvement with people is always a very delicate thing --\nit requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up.\n\t\t-- Bernard Cooke\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.\n\t\t-- Benjamin Disraeli\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something\nfrom the floor while you get up.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've\ndone and what you're going to do.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is\nthrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have\ndrawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt has been said that man is a rational animal.  All my life I have\nbeen searching for evidence which could support this.\n\t\t-- Bertrand Russell\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is all right to hold a conversation, but you should let go of it\nnow and then.\n\t\t-- Richard Armour\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course,\nyou are an exceptionally good liar.\n\t\t-- Jerome K. Jerome\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be \ncoming up it.\n\t\t-- Henry Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is easier to get forgiveness than permission.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig.\n\t\t-- George Santayana\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.\n\t\t-- Aeschylus\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is exactly because a man cannot do a thing that he is a proper judge of it.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without\nyour help.\n\t\t-- Miss Manners\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is generally agreed that \"Hello\" is an appropriate greeting because\nif you entered a room and said \"Goodbye,\" it could confuse a lot of people.\n\t\t-- Dolph Sharp, \"I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is indeed desirable to be well descended, but the glory belongs to\nour ancestors.\n\t\t-- Plutarch\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is much easier to be critical than to be correct.\n\t\t-- Benjamin Disraeli\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well.\n\t\t-- Rene Descartes\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is not enough to have great qualities, we should also have the\nmanagement of them.\n\t\t-- La Rochefoucauld\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is not good for a man to be without knowledge,\nand he who makes haste with his feet misses his way.\n\t\t-- Proverbs 19:2\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.\n\t\t-- Grace Murray Hopper\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it.\n\t\t-- Cervantes\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their dignity.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is only the great men who are truly obscene.  If they had not dared\nto be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.\n\t\t-- Havelock Ellis\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is the business of little minds to shrink.\n\t\t-- Carl Sandburg\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will set an house on fire,\nand it were but to roast their eggs.\n\t\t-- Francis Bacon\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour.\n\t\t-- Francis Bacon\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I\bI win or lose.\n\t\t-- Darrin Weinberg\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too\ngood either if you speak when your head is empty.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a\nwarning to others.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt seemed the world was divided into good and bad people.  The good ones slept\nbetter... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen, \"Side Effects\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt takes all kinds to fill the freeways.\n\t\t-- Crazy Charlie\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt takes less time to do a thing right than it does to explain why you\ndid it wrong.\n\t\t-- H.W. Longfellow\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human nature\nand affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant examples.\n\t\t-- Charles Dickens\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's amazing how many people you could be friends with if only they'd\nmake the first approach.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's amazing how much \"mature wisdom\" resembles being too tired.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.\n\t\t-- Michael Arlen\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's bad enough that life is a rat-race, but why do the rats always have to win?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's better to be quotable than to be honest.\n\t\t-- Tom Stoppard\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.\n\t\t-- Marty Winch\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for being \nright.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's hard not to like a man of many qualities, even if most of them are bad.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's hard to be humble when you're perfect.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's hard to keep your shirt on when you're getting something off your chest.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's interesting to think that many quite distinguished people have\nbodies similar to yours.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain\nwhat fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess.\n\t\t-- Roger Noe\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough, society will\ntake full responsibility for you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.\n"}, {"quote": "\nJealousy is all the fun you think they have.\n"}, {"quote": "\nJust because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't going\nto get hit.\n\t\t-- Joey\n"}, {"quote": "\nJust because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some\nof the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?\"\n\t\t-- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US\n"}, {"quote": "\nJust weigh your own hurt against the hurt of all the others, and then\ndo what's best.\n\t\t-- Lovers and Other Strangers\n"}, {"quote": "\nJust when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a faster rat!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nJustice always prevails ... three times out of seven!\n\t\t-- Michael J. Wagner\n"}, {"quote": "\nKeep cool, but don't freeze.\n\t\t-- Hellman's Mayonnaise\n"}, {"quote": "\nKeep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;\nOpen it and you remove all doubt.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLack of money is the root of all evil.\n\t\t-- George Bernard Shaw\n"}, {"quote": "\nLast guys don't finish nice.\n\t\t-- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs\n"}, {"quote": "\nLaughter is the closest distance between two people.\n\t\t-- Victor Borge\n"}, {"quote": "\nLearn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLet a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.\n\t\t-- Publilius Syrus\n"}, {"quote": "\nLet the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them.\n\t\t-- James Thurber\n"}, {"quote": "\nLet's do it.\n\t\t-- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to\nchange his bed.\n\t\t-- Charles Baudelaire\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is a series of rude awakenings.\n\t\t-- R.V. Winkle\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is a serious burden, which no thinking, humane person would\nwantonly inflict on someone else.\n\t\t-- Clarence Darrow\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is like bein' on a mule team.  Unless you're the lead mule, all the\nscenery looks about the same.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it\nweren't for other people\"\n\t\t-- Blore\n"}, {"quote": "\nLord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies.\n\t\t-- Charles D'Hericault\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.\n\t\t-- Louise Beal\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge.\n\t\t-- Benjamin Franklin\n"}, {"quote": "\nLying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable.\n\t\t-- Bergan Evans\n"}, {"quote": "\nMake no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood.\n\t\t-- Daniel Hudson Burnham\n"}, {"quote": "\nMan belongs wherever he wants to go.\n\t\t-- Wernher von Braun\n"}, {"quote": "\nMan has made his bedlam; let him lie in it.\n\t\t-- Fred Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nMan has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMan invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.\n\t\t-- Lily Tomlin\n"}, {"quote": "\nMan is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon\nto act in accordance with the dictates of reason.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nMan is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the\nvictims he intends to eat until he eats them.\n\t\t-- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)\n"}, {"quote": "\nMan is the only animal that laughs and weeps; for he is the only animal\nthat is struck with the difference between what things are and what they\nought to be.\n\t\t-- William Hazlitt\n"}, {"quote": "\nMan usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it\nis an enemy.\n\t\t-- Albert Einstein\n"}, {"quote": "\nMan's horizons are bounded by his vision.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMan's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual conflict between\nthe desire to stand out and the need to blend in.\n\t\t-- Sydney J. Harris\n"}, {"quote": "\nMany a family tree needs trimming.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMany a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will get a respectful\nhearing when age has further impaired his mind.\n\t\t-- Finley Peter Dunne\n"}, {"quote": "\nMany people are desperately looking for some wise advice which will\nrecommend that they do what they want to do.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMany people are secretly interested in life.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMany people feel that if you won't let them make you happy, they'll make you\nsuffer.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMany people feel that they deserve some kind of recognition for all the\nbad things they haven't done.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMany people resent being treated like the person they really are.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMany receive advice, few profit by it.\n\t\t-- Publilius Syrus\n"}, {"quote": "\n'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability.\n\t\t-- George Bernard Shaw\n"}, {"quote": "\nMay those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may\nGod turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may\nhe turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMay you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMaybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the\nearth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three.\n\t\t-- Lazarus Long\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nMeekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMen use thought only to justify their wrong doings, and speech only to\nconceal their thoughts.\n\t\t-- Voltaire\n"}, {"quote": "\nMillions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a\nrainy Sunday afternoon.\n\t\t-- Susan Ertz\n"}, {"quote": "\nMind your own business, then you don't mind mine.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMix a little foolishness with your serious plans; it's lovely to be silly\nat the right moment.\n\t\t-- Horace\n"}, {"quote": "\nModern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.\n"}, {"quote": "\nModesty is a vastly overrated virtue.\n\t\t-- J.K. Galbraith\n"}, {"quote": "\nMore are taken in by hope than by cunning.\n\t\t-- Vauvenargues\n"}, {"quote": "\nMore people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice.\n\t\t-- R.S. Surtees\n"}, {"quote": "\nMost of our lives are about proving something, either to ourselves or to\nsomeone else.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMost of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking difficulties\nbefore we get to them.\n\t\t-- Dr. Frank Crane\n"}, {"quote": "\nMost of your faults are not your fault.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMost people are too busy to have time for anything important.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMost people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and\nthey are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment\nto do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the moon.\n\t\t-- H.L. Mencken\n"}, {"quote": "\nMost people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMost people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently\nthan they do.\n\t\t-- Turgenev\n"}, {"quote": "\nMost people deserve each other.\n\t\t-- Shirley\n"}, {"quote": "\nMost people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMost people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained\nonly by the disinclination of others to listen.  Reserve is an artificial\nquality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs.\n\t\t-- W.S. Maugham\n"}, {"quote": "\nMost people have a mind that's open by appointment only.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMost people have two reasons for doing anything -- a good reason, and\nthe real reason.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMost people in this society who aren't actively mad are, at best,\nreformed or potential lunatics.\n\t\t-- Susan Sontag\n"}, {"quote": "\nMost people need some of their problems to help take their mind off\nsome of the others.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMost people prefer certainty to truth.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMother told me to be good but she's been wrong before.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMurder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot\ntalk about after dinner.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde, \"The Picture of Dorian Gray\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy brain is my second favorite organ.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right thing to say.\nAnd then say it with the utmost levity.\n\t\t-- G.B. Shaw\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy mind can never know my body, although it has become quite friendly\nwith my legs.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen, on Epistemology\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy philosophy is: Don't think.\n\t\t-- Charles Manson\n"}, {"quote": "\nNearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's\ncharacter, give him power.\n\t\t-- Abraham Lincoln\n"}, {"quote": "\nNeeds are a function of what other people have.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNeither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever ask the barber if you need a haircut.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever explain.  Your friends do not need it and your enemies will never\nbelieve you anyway.\n\t\t-- Elbert Hubbard\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning.\n\t\t-- Marlo Thomas\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever forget what a man says to you when he is angry.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever frighten a small man -- he'll kill you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever kick a man, unless he's down.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever leave anything to chance; make sure all your crimes are premeditated.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on\nthat subject.\n\t\t-- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever underestimate the power of human stupidity.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever, ever lie to someone you love unless you're absolutely sure they'll\nnever find out the truth.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNezvannyi gost'--khuzhe tatarina.\n\t[An uninvited guest is worse than the Mongol invasion]\n\t\t-- Russian proverb\n"}, {"quote": "\nNice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.\n\t\t-- Foghorn Leghorn\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo character, however upright, is a match for constantly reiterated attacks,\nhowever false.\n\t\t-- Alexander Hamilton\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo guest is so welcome in a friend's house that he will not become a\nnuisance after three days.\n\t\t-- Titus Maccius Plautus\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo man is useless who has a friend, and if we are loved we are indispensable.\n\t\t-- Robert Louis Stevenson\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.\n\t\t-- E.W. Howe\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo one becomes depraved in a moment.\n\t\t-- Decimus Junius Juvenalis\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a\ndirty little beast.\n\t\t-- W.S. Gilbert\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo one can make you feel inferior without your consent.\n\t\t-- Eleanor Roosevelt\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo one can put you down without your full cooperation.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo one knows what he can do till he tries.\n\t\t-- Publilius Syrus\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars.\n\t\t-- Quintus Ennius\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the\none who's giving it.\n\t\t-- Hal Chadwick\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth.\n\t\t-- Quintus Ennius\n"}, {"quote": "\nNobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.\n\t\t-- Kin Hubbard\n"}, {"quote": "\nNobody knows the trouble I've been.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears.\n\t\t-- Roy Harper\n"}, {"quote": "\nNobody wants constructive criticism.  It's all we can do to put up with\nconstructive praise.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.\n\t\t-- Ralph Waldo Emerson\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.\nConscience makes egotists of us all.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at\nwhich the hearer is permitted to laugh.\n\t\t-- Quentin Crisp\n"}, {"quote": "\nO Lord, grant that we may always be right, for Thou knowest we will\nnever change our minds.\n"}, {"quote": "\nObjects are lost only because people look where they are not rather than\nwhere they are.\n"}, {"quote": "\nObstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOh this age!  How tasteless and ill-bred it is.\n\t\t-- Gaius Valerius Catullus\n"}, {"quote": "\nOh wearisome condition of humanity!\nBorn under one law, to another bound.\n\t\t-- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke\n"}, {"quote": "\nOld age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOld age is always fifteen years old than I am.\n\t\t-- B. Baruch\n"}, {"quote": "\nOld age is the harbor of all ills.\n\t\t-- Bion\n"}, {"quote": "\nOld age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.\n\t\t-- Trotsky\n"}, {"quote": "\nOld age is too high a price to pay for maturity.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOld men are fond of giving good advice to console themselves for their\ninability to set a bad example.\n\t\t-- La Rochefoucauld, \"Maxims\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nOn Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are\ncreated jerks.\n\t\t-- H. Allen Smith, \"Let the Crabgrass Grow\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's\nlistening.\n\t\t-- Franklin P. Jones\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.\n\t\t-- Helen Keller\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.\nFriendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought,\na rivalry of aim.\n\t\t-- Henry Brook Adams\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.\n\t\t-- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne is often kept in the right road by a rut.\n\t\t-- Gustave Droz\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends\ncan discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.\n\t\t-- Clifton Fadiman\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne of the large consolations for experiencing anything unpleasant is\nthe knowledge that one can communicate it.\n\t\t-- Joyce Carol Oates\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they\nneed no answer.\n\t\t-- George Gordon, Lord Byron\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so,\nbecause they bite.\n\t\t-- Vladimir Il'ich Lenin\n"}, {"quote": "\nOnly a fool has no doubts.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOnly a mediocre person is always at his best.\n\t\t-- Laurence Peter\n"}, {"quote": "\nOnly fools are quoted.\n\t\t-- Anonymous\n"}, {"quote": "\nOnly kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right\nto use the editorial \"we\".\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nOnly someone with nothing to be sorry for smiles back at the rear of an\nelephant.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOnly the hypocrite is really rotten to the core.\n\t\t-- Hannah Arendt\n"}, {"quote": "\nOnly two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one of them is\nparanoid and the other one is out to get him.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOptimism is the content of small men in high places.\n\t\t-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, \"The Crack Up\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nOriginal thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born\nto people you could not have possibly met.\n\t\t-- Fran Lebowitz, \"Social Studies\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nOthers can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOthers will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOut of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made.\n\t\t-- Immanuel Kant\n"}, {"quote": "\nParanoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nParanoia is heightened awareness.\n"}, {"quote": "\nParanoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.\n"}, {"quote": "\nParanoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.\n"}, {"quote": "\nParanoids are people, too; they have their own problems.  It's easy\nto criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.\n\t\t-- D.J. Hicks\n"}, {"quote": "\nPassionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.\n\t\t-- Eric Hoffer\n"}, {"quote": "\nPatience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople don't change; they only become more so.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three\ntimes, four time, five times...\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible.\n\t\t-- The Best of Will Rogers\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople need good lies.  There are too many bad ones.\n\t\t-- Bokonon, \"Cat's Cradle\" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of the\nfuture.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople respond to people who respond.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they\n*know* me there!\n\t\t-- D.L. Roth\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people\nhave been left out on the pleasure.\n\t\t-- Russell Baker\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople who claim they don't let little things bother them have never\nslept in a room with a single mosquito.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.\n\t\t-- Abigail Van Buren\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking\nadvantage of them.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't\nwhat they want that they don't want it.\n\t\t-- Ogden Nash\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople who make no mistakes do not usually make anything.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople who push both buttons should get their wish.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have cold baths.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin\nFranklin said it first.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they\ndid yesterday.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPerhaps the world's second worst crime is boredom.  The first is being a bore.\n\t\t-- Cecil Beaton\n"}, {"quote": "\nPersonifiers of the world, unite!  You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!\n\t\t-- Bernadette Bosky\n"}, {"quote": "\nPlease don't put a strain on our friendship by asking me to do something\nfor you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPlease don't recommend me to your friends-- it's difficult enough to\ncope with you alone.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPlease forgive me if, in the heat of battle, I sometimes forget which\nside I'm on.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPractically perfect people never permit sentiment to muddle their thinking.\n\t\t-- Mary Poppins\n"}, {"quote": "\nPretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!\n"}, {"quote": "\nProgress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their\nminds cannot change anything.\n\t\t-- G.B. Shaw\n"}, {"quote": "\nPut your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPut your trust in those who are worthy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQuestions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Quite frankly, I don't like you humans.  After what you all have done,\nI find being 'inhuman' a compliment.\"\n\t\t-- Spider Robinson, \"Callahan's Secret\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nRarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRelations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest\nknowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde, \"The Importance of Being Earnest\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n... relaxed in the manner of a man who has no need to put up a front of\nany kind.\n\t\t-- John Ball, \"Mark One: the Dummy\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nRemember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.\n\t\t-- Dave Butler\n"}, {"quote": "\nRevenge is a form of nostalgia.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRevenge is a meal best served cold.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRincewind looked down at him and grinned slowly.  It was a wide, manic, and\nutterly humourless rictus.  It was the sort of grin that is normally\naccompanied by small riverside birds wandering in and out, picking scraps\nout of the teeth.\n\t\t-- Terry Pratchett, \"The Lure of the Wyrm\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nRudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSaints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent.\n\t\t-- George Orwell, \"Reflections on Gandhi\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nSanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSanity is the trademark of a weak mind.\n\t\t-- Mark Harrold\n"}, {"quote": "\nSay no, then negotiate.\n\t\t-- Helga\n"}, {"quote": "\nSay something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies.\n"}, {"quote": "\nScenery is here, wish you were beautiful.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSchizophrenia beats being alone.\n"}, {"quote": "\nScrew up your courage!  You've screwed up everything else.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist.  I mean, kind of ... in a way ...\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nSentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share.\n\t\t-- Graham Greene\n"}, {"quote": "\nSerenity through viciousness.\n"}, {"quote": "\nShall we make a new rule of life from tonight: always to try to be a\nlittle kinder than is necessary?\n\t\t-- J.M. Barrie\n"}, {"quote": "\nShame is an improper emotion invented by pietists to oppress the human race.\n\t\t-- Robert Preston, Toddy, \"Victor/Victoria\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nShe often gave herself very good advice (though she very seldom followed it).\n\t\t-- Lewis Carroll\n"}, {"quote": "\nShort people get rained on last.\n"}, {"quote": "\nShow your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSin boldly.\n\t\t-- Martin Luther\n"}, {"quote": "\nSin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily.  All other \"sins\" are\ninvented nonsense.  (Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid).\n\t\t-- Lazarus Long\n"}, {"quote": "\nSince we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're alive.\n\t\t-- John Sloan\n"}, {"quote": "\nSince we're all here, we must not be all there.\n\t\t-- Bob \"Mountain\" Beck\n"}, {"quote": "\nSinners can repent, but stupid is forever.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSo far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far\nas we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical\nway, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist.\n\t\t-- T.S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire\n"}, {"quote": "\nSo live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the\ntown gossip.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men\nhave mediocrity thrust upon them.\n\t\t-- Joseph Heller, \"Catch-22\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome men are discovered; others are found out.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear\nlest she should catch a cold on overexposure.\n\t\t-- Samuel Butler\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome of the things that live the longest in peoples' memories never\nreally happened.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome people around here wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome people have a way about them that seems to say: \"If I have\nonly one life to live, let me live it as a jerk.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome people have parts that are so private they themselves have no\nknowledge of them.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome people's mouths work faster than their brains.  They say things they\nhaven't even thought of yet.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome rise by sin and some by virtue fall.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSomeone will try to honk your nose today.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSomething unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth.\n\t\t-- Benjamin Disraeli\n"}, {"quote": "\nSometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and\nthe party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the\nworld.\n\t\t-- Robert Stone\n"}, {"quote": "\nSometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.\n\t\t-- Lily Tomlin\n"}, {"quote": "\nSometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone\nelse is driving.\n\t\t-- David Letterman\n"}, {"quote": "\nSpeak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSpeak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.\n\t\t-- Dave Millman\n"}, {"quote": "\nStart every day off with a smile and get it over with.\n\t\t-- W.C. Fields\n"}, {"quote": "\nStart the day with a smile.  After that you can be your nasty old self again.\n"}, {"quote": "\nStay together, drag each other down.\n"}, {"quote": "\nStill looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth.  Say, do you\nhave a map to the next joint?\n"}, {"quote": "\nStupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?\n"}, {"quote": "\nStupidity is its own reward.\n"}, {"quote": "\nStyle may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSubtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way\nbefore it is understood.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSuccess is a journey, not a destination.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSuccess is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSuccess is in the minds of Fools.\n\t\t-- William Wrenshaw, 1578\n"}, {"quote": "\nSuccess is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.\n\t\t-- T.S. Eliot, \"The Family Reunion\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nSuccumb to natural tendencies.  Be hateful and boring.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSuch a fine first dream!\nBut they laughed at me; they said\nI had made it up.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSuicide is simply a case of mistaken identity.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSuicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.\n\t\t-- Donald Kaul\n"}, {"quote": "\nSupport your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!\n"}, {"quote": "\nSurly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far.\n\t\t-- Jean Cocteau\n"}, {"quote": "\nTact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a\nhole in his head.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTake a lesson from the whale; the only time he gets speared is when he\nraises to spout.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTalk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTalk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.\n\t\t-- Euripides\n"}, {"quote": "\nTalking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.\n\t\t-- Friedrich Nietzsche\n"}, {"quote": "\nTart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey will catch more flies than\na gallon of vinegar.\n\t\t-- B. Franklin\n"}, {"quote": "\nTell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you.\nTell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTell me what to think!!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nTelling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting\na falsehood, isn't it?\n\t\t-- A. Hope\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver\"\n\t\t-- Foghorn Leghorn\n"}, {"quote": "\nThat must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all.\n\t\t-- Moliere\n"}, {"quote": "\nThat which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThat's always the way when you discover something new; everyone thinks\nyou're crazy.\n\t\t-- Evelyn E. Smith\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that\nhe is already degraded.\n\t\t-- George Orwell\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe angry man always thinks he can do more than he can.\n\t\t-- Albertano of Brescia\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in\nthe morning feeling just terrible.\n\t\t-- Jean Kerr\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.\n\t\t-- Blair\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe best portion of a good man's life, his little, nameless, unremembered acts\nof kindness and love.\n\t\t-- Wordsworth\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and\nfellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are\ndrifting side by side to our common doom.\n\t\t-- Clarence Darrow\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe bigger they are, the harder they hit.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has occurred.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing\nand humiliating reality.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is\nthinking everyone is out to get you.  That's normal -- they are.  Paranoia\nis thinking that they're conspiring.\n\t\t-- J. Kegler\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe discerning person is always at a disadvantage.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe distinction between true and false appears to become increasingly\nblurred by... the pollution of the language.\n\t\t-- Arne Tiselius\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization.\n\t\t-- Ralph Waldo Emerson\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe because\nit lives in a forest.  Likewise the friendship of persons rests on mutual help.\n\t\t-- Laukikanyay.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend\nof both parties tactfully interferes.\n\t\t-- G.K. Chesterton\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it\nis your move.\n\t\t-- Frank Crane\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude.\n\t\t-- Charles Chincholles, \"Reflections on the Art of Life\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight.\nAt the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have\nanswered themselves.\n\t\t-- Arthur Binstead\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe greatest remedy for anger is delay.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when you put a lot of\nrelatives on the train for home.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe hatred of relatives is the most violent.\n\t\t-- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117)\n"}, {"quote": "\n... the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe help people need most urgently is help in admitting that they need help.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange\nprotein -- it rejects it.\n\t\t-- P. Medawar\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe human race never solves any of its problems.  It merely outlives them.\n\t\t-- David Gerrold\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe idle mind knows not what it is it wants.\n\t\t-- Quintus Ennius\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe important thing is not to stop questioning.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe kind of danger people most enjoy is the kind they can watch from\na safe place.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe knowledge that makes us cherish innocence makes innocence unattainable.\n\t\t-- Irving Howe\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own hand.\n\t\t-- Fred Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Lord prefers common-looking people.  That is the reason that He makes\nso many of them.\n\t\t-- Abraham Lincoln\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons.\n\t\t-- Ralph Waldo Emerson\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe major advances in civilization are processes that all but wreck the\nsocieties in which they occur.\n\t\t-- A.N. Whitehead\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.\n\t\t-- H.G. Wells, \"Time After Time\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two\nchemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.\n\t\t-- Carl Jung\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another\nmirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same\nbeing who produces the impressions.\n\t\t-- Marquis D.A.F. de Sade\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe more I know men the more I like my horse.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe more I see of men the more I admire dogs.\n\t\t-- Mme De Sevigne, 1626-1696\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does\nnot approach what your best friends say behind your back.\n\t\t-- Alfred De Musset\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.\n\t\t-- Lucille S. Harper\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe odds are a million to one against your being one in a million.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age\nbrings wisdom.\n\t\t-- H.L. Mencken\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint\nhas a past and every sinner has a future.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only rose without thorns is friendship.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.  It is never any\nuse to oneself.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge\nand guilt.\n\t\t-- Elvis Costello\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe opposite of talking isn't listening.  The opposite of talking is waiting.\n\t\t-- Fran Lebowitz, \"Social Studies\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called \"Me\".\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe people sensible enough to give good advice are usually sensible\nenough to give none.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad\ntrying to stop yourself going mad.  You might just as well give in and\nsave your sanity for later.\n"}, {"quote": "\n... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from\nother animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in\ncharity we can only call \"inhuman.\"\n\t\t-- R. A. Lafferty\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe probability of someone watching you is proportional to the\nstupidity of your action.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can\nbe pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.\n\t\t-- Elizabeth Taylor\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper\nthoughts about their neighbours.\n\t\t-- F.H. Bradley\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one\npersists in trying to adapt the world to himself.  Therefore all progress\ndepends on the unreasonable man.\n\t\t-- George Bernard Shaw\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.  This\nmeans that only left handed people are in their right mind.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe second best policy is dishonesty.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends.\n\t\t-- Marcus Tullius Cicero\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe strong give up and move away, while the weak give up and stay.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have yet to learn\n-- only the savage fears what he does not understand.\n\t\t-- The Silver Surfer\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher\nesteem those who think alike than those who think differently.\n\t\t-- Nietzsche\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe things that interest people most are usually none of their business.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive?\n2. Is it amusing?  3. Does it know its place?\n\t\t-- Fran Lebowitz, \"Metropolitan Life\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds\nthe other fellow of a dull one.\n\t\t-- Sid Caesar\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides.\n\t\t-- Andre Malraux\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me.\n\t\t-- Miguel de Cervantes\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones.\n\t\t-- Nathaniel Howe\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe wise man seeks everything in himself; the ignorant man tries to get\neverything from somebody else.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe wonderful thing about a dancing bear is not how well he dances,\nbut that he dances at all.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe world is full of people who have never, since childhood, met an\nopen doorway with an open mind.\n\t\t-- E.B. White\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe world needs more people like us and fewer like them.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe worst cliques are those which consist of one man.\n\t\t-- G.B. Shaw\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe worst is not so long as we can say \"This is the worst.\"\n\t\t-- King Lear\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe worst part of having success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.\n\t\t-- Bette Midler\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them,\nbut to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity.\n\t\t-- G.B. Shaw\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober.\n\t\t-- William Butler Yeats\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one wants and\nnot give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering if something could\nhave materialized -- and never knowing.\n\t\t-- David Viscott\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are few people more often in the wrong than those who cannot endure\nto be thought so.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are many people today who literally do not have a close personal\nfriend.  They may know something that we don't.  They are probably\navoiding a great deal of pain.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing.\n\t\t-- Eugene Ionesco\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are no emotional victims, only volunteers.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are no great men, buster.  There are only men.\n\t\t-- Elaine Stewart, \"The Bad and the Beautiful\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are no great men, only great challenges that ordinary men are forced\nby circumstances to meet.\n\t\t-- Admiral William Halsey\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly.\n\t\t-- Helen Rowland\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the\ntruth without lying.\n\t\t-- Josh Billings\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are two types of people in this world, good and bad.  The good\nsleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere comes a time to stop being angry.\n\t\t-- A Small Circle of Friends\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery is, if not an antidote,\nat least an alleviation.  If you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else.\n\t--Robert Louis Stevenson: Immortelles\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it\nhas not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day.\n\t\t-- Friedrich Nietzsche\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is brutality and there is honesty.  There is no such thing as brutal\nhonesty.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is no delight the equal of dread.  As long as it is somebody else's.\n\t\t--Clive Barker\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is no statute of limitations on stupidity.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is no such thing as inner peace.  There is only nervousness or death.\nAny attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour.\n\t\t-- Fran Lebowitz, \"Metropolitan Life\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is nothing more silly than a silly laugh.\n\t\t-- Gaius Valerius Catullus\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who comes\nto visit.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings,\nand that word is blackmail.\n\t\t-- Colm Brogan\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who constantly\ndivide the people of the world into two classes and those who do not.\n\t\t-- Robert Benchley\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's a fine line between courage and foolishness.  Too bad it's not a fence.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's a lot to be said for not saying a lot.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's no saint like a reformed sinner.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTherefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use\nthis knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause.\n\t\t-- Machiavelli\n"}, {"quote": "\nThey also serve who only stand and wait.\n\t\t-- John Milton\n"}, {"quote": "\nThey are ill discoverers that think there is no land, when they can see\nnothing but sea.\n\t\t-- Francis Bacon\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThey're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really.  They'd be difficult to like.\"\n\t\t-- Avon\n"}, {"quote": "\nThinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself.\n\t\t-- Frank Herbert, \"Chapterhouse: Dune\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis generation doesn't have emotional baggage.  We have emotional moving vans.\n\t\t-- Bruce Feirstein\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his mother's\nside.  I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry often have little\nelse to sustain them.  Humoring them costs nothing and adds happiness in\na world in which happiness is always in short supply.\n\t\t-- Lazarus Long\n"}, {"quote": "\nThose of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThose who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have\nlearned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee.\n\t\t-- W.S. Krabill\n"}, {"quote": "\nThose who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.\n\t\t-- George Santayana\n"}, {"quote": "\nThose who don't know, talk.  Those who don't talk, know.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThose who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo any truly impartial person, it would be obvious that I am always right.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo be great is to be misunderstood.\n\t\t-- Ralph Waldo Emerson\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo be is to be related.\n\t\t-- C.J. Keyser.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo be who one is, is not to be someone else.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo be wise, the only thing you really need to know is when to say\n\"I don't know.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for\nyou in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius.\n\t\t-- Ralph Waldo Emerson\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo criticize the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult to criticize\nthe competent.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally convenient\nsolutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection.\n\t\t-- H. Poincar'\be\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two.\n\t\t-- Norman Douglas\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo keep your friends treat them kindly; to kill them, treat them often.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo make an enemy, do someone a favor.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo refuse praise is to seek praise twice.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn\nold falsehoods.\n\t\t-- Lazarus Long, \"Time Enough For Love\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what\nhe has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do.\n"}, {"quote": "\nToo clever is dumb.\n\t\t-- Ogden Nash\n"}, {"quote": "\nTroglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTruly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.\n\t\t-- Henrik Tikkanen\n"}, {"quote": "\nTry to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTry to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTrying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.\n\t\t-- Alan Watts\n"}, {"quote": "\nUh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag.  Let me, then, straightforwardly\nstate the thesis I shall now elaborate: Making variations on a theme is\nreally the crux of creativity.\n\t\t-- Douglas R. Hofstadter, \"Metamagical Themas\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nUnless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.\n\t\t-- e.e. cummings\n"}, {"quote": "\nVila: \"I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life.\"\n\nOrac: \"It is unlikely.  I would predict there are far greater mistakes\n      waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nVirtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice -- only the willingness\nto make it when necessary.\n\t\t-- Frederick Dunn\n"}, {"quote": "\nVirtue is its own punishment.\n\t\t-- Denniston\n\nRighteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment.\n\t\t-- Aneurin Bevan\n"}, {"quote": "\nVirtue is not left to stand alone.  He who practices it will have neighbors.\n\t\t-- Confucius\n"}, {"quote": "\nVirtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company.\n\t\t-- La Rochefoucauld\n"}, {"quote": "\nVisits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure.\n\t\t-- Edouard Le Berquier, \"Pensees des Autres\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWaking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime.\nFor a first offense, that is.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWalk softly and carry a BFG-9000.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWalk softly and carry a big stick.\n\t\t-- Theodore Roosevelt\n"}, {"quote": "\nWalk softly and carry a megawatt laser.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon.\n\t\t-- Dr. Konrad Adenauer\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe are all born mad.  Some remain so.\n\t\t-- Samuel Beckett\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness.\n\t\t-- A. Schweitzer\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe are anthill men upon an anthill world.\n\t\t-- Ray Bradbury\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.\n\t\t-- Whole Earth Catalog\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe are each only one drop in a great ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle!\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe are not loved by our friends for what we are; rather, we are loved in\nspite of what we are.\n\t\t-- Victor Hugo\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same.\n\t\t-- Jonathon Swift\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and share a\nspectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft our immortality\nand interweave our destinies of water and air, leaving shadows that gather\ncolor of their own, until they outshine the substance that cast them.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.\n\t\t-- La Rochefoucauld\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent than from the\nmachinations of the wicked.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.\n\t-- Eric Hoffer\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always respect\ntheir good judgement.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe only acknowledge small faults in order to make it appear that we are\nfree from great ones.\n\t\t-- La Rouchefoucauld\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the\noriginality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has\nforgotten its source.\n\t\t-- Clifton Fadiman, \"Any Number Can Play\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe prefer to speak evil of ourselves rather than not speak of ourselves at all.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe read to say that we have read.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe really don't have any enemies.  It's just that some of our best\nfriends are trying to kill us.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them.\n\t\t-- Thucydides\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much.\n\t\t-- Jean de la Bruyere\n"}, {"quote": "\nWell, I'm disenchanted too.  We're all disenchanted.\n\t\t-- James Thurber\n"}, {"quote": "\nWere it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the\nformless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite\nshapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide\na grin.\n\t\t-- F.M. Colby, \"Imaginary Obligations\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry?\n\t\t-- Ashleigh Brilliant\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity.  We are all formed\nof frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that\nis the first law of nature.\n\t\t-- Voltaire\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat makes us so bitter against people who outwit us is that they think\nthemselves cleverer than we are.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat on earth would a man do with himself if something did not stand in his way?\n\t\t-- H.G. Wells\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat upsets me is not that you lied to me, but that from now on I can no\nlonger believe you.\n\t\t-- Nietzsche\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat we see depends on mainly what we look for.\n\t\t-- John Lubbock\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat's the matter with the world?  Why, there ain't but one thing wrong\nwith every one of us -- and that's \"selfishness.\"\n\t\t-- The Best of Will Rogers\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat's this stuff about people being \"released on their own recognizance\"?\nAren't we all out on our own recognizance?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat, after all, is a halo?  It's only one more thing to keep clean.\n\t\t-- Christopher Fry\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like\nother people.\n\t\t-- James Russell Lowell, \"My Study Windows\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, it concentrates his\nmind wonderfully.\n\t\t-- Samuel Johnson\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years\nago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind\nwith changing conditions.  When a man you don't like does it, he is a\nliar who has broken his promises.\n\t\t-- Franklin Adams\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen all other means of communication fail, try words.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen among apes, one must play the ape.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to guarantee them.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen in doubt, do it.  It's much easier to apologize than to get permission.\n\t\t-- Grace Murray Hopper\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course\nis to believe the one in which people appear at their worst.\n\t\t-- H. Allen Smith, \"Let the Crabgrass Grow\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you dig another out of trouble, you've got a place to bury your own.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you jump for joy, beware that no-one moves the ground from beneath\nyour feet.\n\t\t-- Stanislaw Lem, \"Unkempt Thoughts\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you speak to others for their own good it's advice;\nwhen they speak to you for your own good it's interference.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the\nimpression you will make.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to\nlaugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years.  Struggle\nto become a parrot or something.\n\t\t-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhenever someone tells you to take their advice, you can be pretty sure\nthat they're not using it.\n"}, {"quote": "\n... whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to\nspend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it.\n\t\t-- Richard Shelton\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhile anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is\nadmission to someone else.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhile having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhile most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their\ncorrectness never does.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhile we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in.\n\t\t-- Dean Rusk\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhile you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very\nreassuring to know that it's still there.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhile your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are\nsafe, for you can watch both of his.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not\nbecome a monster.  And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks\ninto you.\n\t\t-- Friedrich Nietzsche\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhoever would lie usefully should lie seldom.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you could be impossible?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to\navoid responsibility with?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they\nare another's.\n\t\t -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy was I born with such contemporaries?\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she kissed her cow.\n\t\t-- Rabelais\n"}, {"quote": "\nWill your long-winded speeches never end?\nWhat ails you that you keep on arguing?\n\t\t-- Job 16:3\n"}, {"quote": "\nWinter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as\nit was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWith a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I\ntry to be a fraud and a half.\n\t\t-- Otto von Bismark\n"}, {"quote": "\nWith clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWords must be weighed, not counted.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWorrying is like rocking in a rocking chair -- It gives you something to do,\nbut it doesn't get you anywhere.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWrite a wise saying and your name will live forever.\n\t\t-- Anonymous\n"}, {"quote": "\nYe've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most astonishin'\nthings to preserve their respectability.  Thank God I'm not respectable.\n\t\t-- Ruthven Campbell Todd\n"}, {"quote": "\nYes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.\n\t\t-- Lazarus Long, \"Time Enough for Love\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou ain't learning nothing when you're talking.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are a wish to be here wishing yourself.\n\t\t-- Philip Whalen\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind.\n\t\t-- Sherlock Holmes\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are not a fool just because you have done something foolish --\nonly if the folly of it escapes you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can always tell luck from ability by its duration.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier.\nThey're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can bear anything if it isn't your own fault.\n\t\t-- Katharine Fullerton Gerould\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.\n\t\t-- Janis Joplin\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can't cheat an honest man.  Never give a sucker an even break or\nsmarten up a chump.\n\t\t-- W.C. Fields\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up.\n\t\t-- Peter Frampton\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too.\n\t\t-- Ayn Rand\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can't hold a man down without staying down with him.\n\t\t-- Booker T. Washington\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle\nis that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.\n\t\t-- W. Somerset Maugham, \"The Circle\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can't play your friends like marks, kid.\n\t\t-- Henry Gondorf, \"The Sting\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can't start worrying about what's going to happen.  You get spastic\nenough worrying about what's happening now.\n\t\t-- Lauren Bacall\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't.\"\n\t\t-- Dagwood Bumstead\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou cannot kill time without injuring eternity.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.\n\t\t-- Indira Gandhi\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou cannot use your friends and have them too.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first\nand last month in advance.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou don't have to be nice to people on the way up if you're not planning on\ncoming back down.\n\t\t-- Oliver Warbucks, \"Annie\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou don't have to explain something you never said.\n\t\t-- Calvin Coolidge\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me \nfrom your own life.  May it all turn out to your happiness.\n\t\t-- Goethe\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going,\nbecause you might not get there.\n\t\t-- Yogi Berra\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou have not converted a man because you have silenced him.\n\t\t-- John Viscount Morley\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou humans are all alike.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou just wait, I'll sin till I blow up!\n\t\t-- Dylan Thomas\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it.\n\t\t-- Maharbal\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes\nyou wore home from the party and there aren't any.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower,\nstart to get dressed and your shoes are still warm.\n\t\t-- Dean Webber\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday.\n\t\t-- Garfield\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language is revenge.\n\t\t-- Peter Beard\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.\n\t\t-- E.A. Gilliam\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou know your apartment is small...\n\twhen you can't know its position and velocity at the same time.\n\tyou put your key in the lock and it breaks the window.\n\tyou have to go outside to change your mind.\n\tyou can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a \"realist,\" he\nis preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.\n\t\t-- Sydney Harris\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with him.\n\t\t-- Ed Howe\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty\nto his own concept of the obligations of manhood.  All other loyalties\nare merely deputies of that one.\n\t\t-- Nero Wolfe\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou never gain something but that you lose something.\n\t\t-- Thoreau\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou never get a second chance to make a first impression.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou never go anywhere without your soul.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.\n\t\t-- William Blake\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou never learn anything by doing it right.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could\nknow how seldom they do.\n\t\t-- Olin Miller.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou see things; and you say \"Why?\"\nBut I dream things that never were; and I say \"Why not?\"\n\t\t-- George Bernard Shaw, \"Back to Methuselah\"\n\t\t[No, it wasn't J.F. Kennedy.  Ed.]\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends.\n\t\t-- Joseph Conrad\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou should make a point of trying every experience once -- except\nincest and folk-dancing.\n\t\t-- A. Bax, \"Farewell My Youth\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou shouldn't wallow in self-pity.  But it's OK to put your feet in it\nand swish them around a little.\n\t\t-- Guindon\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou want to know why I kept getting promoted?  Because my mouth knows more\nthan my brain.\n\t-- W.G.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou won't skid if you stay in a rut.\n\t\t-- Frank Hubbard\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m.\nanyway.\n\t\t-- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control.\n\t\t-- Smile, \"Was (Not Was)\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou're always thinking you're gonna be the one that makes 'em act different.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen, \"Manhattan\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou're either part of the solution or part of the problem.\n\t\t-- Eldridge Cleaver\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou're never too old to become younger.\n\t\t-- Mae West\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou've always made the mistake of being yourself.\n\t\t-- Eugene Ionesco\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou've been telling me to relax all the way here, and now you're telling\nme just to be myself?\n\t\t-- The Return of the Secaucus Seven\n"}, {"quote": "\nYoung men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools.\n\t\t-- George Chapman\n"}, {"quote": "\nYoung men, hear an old man to whom old men hearkened when he was young.\n\t\t-- Augustus Caesar\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour conscience never stops you from doing anything.  It just stops you\nfrom enjoying it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your\nacquaintances will know you in a thousand years.\n\t\t-- Richard Bach, \"Illusions\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nYouth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of\ncourage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease.\n\t\t-- Robert F. Kennedy\n"}, {"quote": "\nYouth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.\n\t\t-- Benjamin Disraeli, \"Coningsby\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nYouth is a disease from which we all recover.\n\t\t-- Dorothy Fuldheim\n"}, {"quote": "\nA door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.\n\t\t-- Ogden Nash\n"}, {"quote": "\nAbout the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll intelligent species own cats.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAny member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be\nliable to a fine of one pound.  Any animal leading a blind person shall\nbe deemed to be a cat.\n\t\t-- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.\n\t\t-- R. Heinlein \n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?\"\n\t\"The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime.\"\n\t\"But the dog did nothing in the nighttime.\"\n\t\"That was the curious incident.\"\n\t\t-- A. Conan Doyle, \"Silver Blaze\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAuribus teneo lupum.\n\t[I hold a wolf by the ears.]\n\t[Boy, it *sounds* good.  But what does it *mean*?]\n"}, {"quote": "\nBreeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.\n\t\t-- Garrison Keillor\n"}, {"quote": "\nCats are smarter than dogs.  You can't make eight cats pull a sled through\nthe snow.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind.\n"}, {"quote": "\nChihuahuas drive me crazy.  I can't stand anything that shivers when it's warm.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern\ntechnology.  Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nDid you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?  I think\nthat's how dogs spend their lives.\n\t\t-- Sue Murphy\n"}, {"quote": "\nDoes the name Pavlov ring a bell?\n"}, {"quote": "\nDogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people\nand the rest of us.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHi!  You have reached 555-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and\nthe cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible.  Please\nleave your name and message after the beep...\u0007\n"}, {"quote": "\nI loathe people who keep dogs.  They are cowards who haven't got the guts\nto bite people themselves.\n\t\t-- August Strindberg\n"}, {"quote": "\nI love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas.  A Chihuahua isn't a dog.  It's a rat\nwith a thyroid problem.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible.\nWe're offering a substantial reward.  He's a sable collie, with three legs,\nblind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his\ntail.  He's been recently fixed.  Answers to \"Lucky\".\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you are a police dog, where's your badge?\n\t\t-- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd\n\t\t   crazy.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do:  Pour a little\nLavoris in the toilet.\"\n\t\t-- Jay Leno\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn the eyes of my dog, I'm a man.\n\t\t-- Martin Mull\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt was Penguin lust... at its ugliest.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLost: gray and white female cat.  Answers to electric can opener.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever try to outstubborn a cat.\n\t\t-- Lazarus Long, \"Time Enough for Love\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless\nabsolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.\n\t\t-- Fran Lebowitz\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPENGUINICITY!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nRaising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Shelter,\" what a nice name for for a place where you polish your cat.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to be\nchewed and digested.\n\t\t-- Francis Bacon\n\t[As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows.  Ed.]\n"}, {"quote": "\nSometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar.  I feel\nlike I've just got to bite a cat!  I feel like if I don't bite a cat\nbefore sundown, I'll go crazy!  But then I just take a deep breath and\nforget about it.  That's what is known as real maturity.\n\t\t-- Snoopy\n"}, {"quote": "\nSpeaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's on sale.\nAfter all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're\ncalled.  Cats take a message and get back to you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs.\n\t\t-- Kevin Cowherd\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything.\n\t\t-- C. Schulz\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are many intelligent species in the universe, and they all own cats.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo err is human,\nTo purr feline.\n\t\t-- Robert Byrne\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen man calls an animal \"vicious\", he usually means that it will attempt\nto defend itself when he tries to kill it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little\nmuddy paw prints on the hood of my car.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWho loves me will also love my dog.\n\t\t-- John Donne\n"}, {"quote": "\nWith a rubber duck, one's never alone.\n\t\t-- \"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n(1) Everything depends.\n(2) Nothing is always.\n(3) Everything is sometimes.\n"}, {"quote": "\n42\n"}, {"quote": "\nA beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that balances are\ncorrect.\n\t\t-- Princess Irulan, \"Manual of Maud'Dib\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nA bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.\n\t\t-- Cervantes\n"}, {"quote": "\nA bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tA boy spent years collecting postage stamps.  The girl next door bought\nan album too, and started her own collection.  \"Dad, she buys everything I've\nbought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me.  I'm quitting.\"  Don't,\nson, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nA certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance. Kites rise\nagainst the wind, not with it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA chronic disposition to inquiry deprives domestic felines of vital qualities.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA clever prophet makes sure of the event first.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA closed mouth gathers no foot.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA couch is as good as a chair.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA day without sunshine is like night.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA dead man cannot bite.\n\t\t-- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey)\n"}, {"quote": "\nA farmer is a man outstanding in his field.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tA farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign.  \"Free\nChickens.  Our Coop Runneth Over.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tA father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for\nher birthday.  An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her\nlooking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen.  \"My pup,\" she murmured\nsadly, \"runneth over.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nA fool and his money are soon popular.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA fool and your money are soon partners.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA fool must now and then be right by chance.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.\n\t\t-- Ralph Waldo Emerson\n"}, {"quote": "\nA friend in need is a pest indeed.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA full belly makes a dull brain.\n\t\t-- Ben Franklin\n\n\t\t[and the local candy machine man.  Ed]\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tA girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best\nfriends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown.  When asked by her father why she\nhad been on the phone so long, she responded \"I heard a funny story today\nand I've been telling it to the Maureens.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nA gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).\n"}, {"quote": "\nA good memory does not equal pale ink.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA good name lost is seldom regained.  When character is gone,\nall is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.\n\t\t-- J. Hawes\n"}, {"quote": "\nA good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.\n\t\t-- Patton\n"}, {"quote": "\nA good reputation is more valuable than money.\n\t\t-- Publilius Syrus\n"}, {"quote": "\nA good scapegoat is hard to find.\nA guilty conscience is the mother of invention.\n\t\t-- Carolyn Wells\n"}, {"quote": "\nA handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for?\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tA horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three\ndays old.  He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong!\n"}, {"quote": "\nA journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.\n\t\t-- Lao Tsu\n"}, {"quote": "\nA journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.\n\t\t-- Lao Tsu\n"}, {"quote": "\nA king's castle is his home.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA lie in time saves nine.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of\ntrouble.\n\t\t-- Adlai Stevenson\n"}, {"quote": "\nA likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.\n\t\t-- Aristotle\n"}, {"quote": "\nA little experience often upsets a lot of theory.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.\n\t\t-- C.E. Ayres\n"}, {"quote": "\nA little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.\n\t\t-- H.H. Munro, \"Saki\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nA lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles\nin the road.\n\t\t-- Alexander Smith\n"}, {"quote": "\nA man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn\nin no other way.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA man with one watch knows what time it is.\nA man with two watches is never quite sure.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA man's best friend is his dogma.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA man's house is his castle.\n\t\t-- Sir Edward Coke\n"}, {"quote": "\nA man's house is his hassle.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA mind is a wonderful thing to waste.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA mushroom cloud has no silver lining.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA penny saved has not been spent.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA penny saved is ridiculous.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his\nmouth.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA place for everything and everything in its place.\n\t\t-- Isabella Mary Beeton, \"The Book of Household Management\"\n \n\t[Quoted in \"VMS Internals and Data Structures\", V4.4, when\n\t referring to memory management system services.]\n"}, {"quote": "\nA platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.\n\t\t-- Stanley Baldwin\n"}, {"quote": "\nA plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques contaminate\nthe potable concoction produced by steeping certain edible nutriments.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nA rolling stone gathers momentum.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA rolling stone gathers no moss.\n\t\t-- Publilius Syrus\n"}, {"quote": "\nA shortcut is the longest distance between two points.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA sinking ship gathers no moss.\n\t\t-- Donald Kaul\n"}, {"quote": "\nA Smith & Wesson beats four aces.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA snake lurks in the grass.\n\t\t-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)\n"}, {"quote": "\nA soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.\n\t\t-- Proverbs 15:1\n"}, {"quote": "\nA soft drink turneth away company.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA song in time is worth a dime.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA stitch in time saves nine.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA violent man will die a violent death.\n\t\t-- Lao Tsu\n"}, {"quote": "\nA watched clock never boils.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA wise man can see more from a mountain top than a fool can from the bottom\nof a well.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a\nmountain top.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.\n\t\t-- Chinese proverb\n"}, {"quote": "\nA witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets\npeople's attention.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA witty saying proves nothing.\n\t\t-- Voltaire\n"}, {"quote": "\nA word to the wise is enough.\n\t\t-- Miguel de Cervantes\n"}, {"quote": "\nAbove all else -- sky.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAbove all things, reverence yourself.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAbsence makes the heart forget.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAbsence makes the heart go wander.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAbsence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAbsence makes the heart grow fonder.\n\t\t-- Sextus Aurelius\n"}, {"quote": "\nAbsence makes the heart grow frantic.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAbsolutum obsoletum.  (If it works, it's out of date.)\n\t\t-- Stafford Beer\n"}, {"quote": "\nAd astra per aspera.\n\t[To the stars by aspiration.]\n"}, {"quote": "\nAdde parvum parvo manus acervus erit.\n\t[Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]\n\t\t-- Ovid\n"}, {"quote": "\nAdvice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAfter the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.\n\t\t-- Italian proverb\n"}, {"quote": "\nAge and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAge before beauty; and pearls before swine.\n\t\t-- Dorothy Parker\n"}, {"quote": "\nAim for the moon.  If you miss, you may hit a star.\n\t\t-- W. Clement Stone\n"}, {"quote": "\nAin't no right way to do a wrong thing.\n\t\t-- The Mad Dogtender\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlas, I am dying beyond my means.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed]\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlimony is the high cost of leaving.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,\nya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.\n\t\t-- Kingfish\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll is fear in love and war.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll is well that ends well.\n\t\t-- John Heywood\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll that glitters has a high refractive index.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll things being equal, you are bound to lose.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll true wisdom is found on T-shirts.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll's well that ends.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn aphorism is never exactly true; it is either a half-truth or\none-and-a-half truths.\n\t\t-- Karl Kraus\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn apple a day makes 365 apples a year.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn idle mind is worth two in the bush.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.\n\t\t-- Michael Korda\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.\n\t\t-- Spanish proverb\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnd tomorrow will be like today, only more so.\n\t\t-- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnswer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.\n\t\t-- Proverbs, 26:5\n"}, {"quote": "\nAny philosophy that can be put \"in a nutshell\" belongs there.\n\t\t-- Sydney J. Harris\n"}, {"quote": "\nAny road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere.\nClimb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain.\nFrom the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.\n\t\t-- Bene Gesserit proverb, \"Dune\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnything is possible on paper.\n\t\t-- Ron McAfee\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnything is possible, unless it's not.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnything that is worth doing has been done frequently.  Things hitherto\nundone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.\n\t\t-- Max Beerbohm, \"Mainly on the Air\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnything worth doing is worth overdoing.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAs well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.\n\t\t-- Miguel de Cervantes\n"}, {"quote": "\nAsk not for whom the Bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-station\nrate.\n\t\t-- Howard Kandel\n"}, {"quote": "\nAsk not for whom the telephone bell tolls...\nif thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAvoid cliches like the plague.  They're a dime a dozen.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBe both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.\n\t\t-- Homer\n"}, {"quote": "\nBe sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeggars should be no choosers.\n\t\t-- John Heywood\n"}, {"quote": "\nBetter dead than mellow.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBetter hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBetter late than never.\n\t\t-- Titus Livius (Livy)\n"}, {"quote": "\nBetter living a beggar than buried an emperor.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBetter to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBetter to light one candle than to curse the darkness.\n\t\t-- motto of the Christopher Society\n"}, {"quote": "\nBetter tried by twelve than carried by six.\n\t\t-- Jeff Cooper\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeware of friends who are false and deceitful.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeware of geeks bearing graft.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCall on God, but row away from the rocks.\n\t\t-- Indian proverb\n"}, {"quote": "\nCharity begins at home.\n\t\t-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)\n"}, {"quote": "\nCheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.\n\t\t-- P.J. O'Rourke\n"}, {"quote": "\nCleanliness is next to impossible.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCogito cogito ergo cogito sum --\n\"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.\"\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong.\"\n\t\t-- Blair Houghton\n"}, {"quote": "\nCuriosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDesist from enumerating your fowl prior to their emergence from the shell.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo not count your chickens before they are hatched.\n\t\t-- Aesop\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo unto others before they undo you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo, or do not; there is no try.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDoing gets it done.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't get even -- get odd!\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't get mad, get even.\n\t\t-- Joseph P. Kennedy\n\nDon't get even, get jewelry.\n\t\t-- Anonymous\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't get mad, get interest.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because if you enjoy it today,\nyou can do it again tomorrow.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEschew obfuscation.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvery path has its puddle.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvery silver lining has a cloud around it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvery solution breeds new problems.\n"}, {"quote": "\nExpedience is the best teacher.\n"}, {"quote": "\nExperience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.\n\t\t-- Minna Antrim, \"Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nFamiliarity breeds attempt.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFlattery will get you everywhere.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFlee at once, all is discovered.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor fools rush in where angels fear to tread.\n\t\t-- Alexander Pope\n"}, {"quote": "\nForgive and forget.\n\t\t-- Cervantes\n"}, {"quote": "\nFortune and love befriend the bold.\n\t\t-- Ovid\n"}, {"quote": "\nFortune favors the lucky.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFortune finishes the great quotations, #12\n\n\tThose who can, do.  Those who can't, write the instructions.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFortune finishes the great quotations, #3\n\n\tBirds of a feather flock to a newly washed car.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFortune finishes the great quotations, #9\n\n\tA word to the wise is often enough to start an argument.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFreedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGenius is pain.\n\t\t-- John Lennon\n"}, {"quote": "\nGiven sufficient time, what you put off doing today will get done by itself.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGod gave man two ears and one tongue so that we listen twice as much as\nwe speak.\n\t\t-- Arab proverb\n"}, {"quote": "\nHappiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHappiness is the greatest good.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHaste makes waste.\n\t\t-- John Heywood\n"}, {"quote": "\nHave a nice day!\n"}, {"quote": "\nHave a nice diurnal anomaly.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHave an adequate day.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.\n\t\t-- Scottish proverb.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.\n\t\t-- Sinbad\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who has the courage to laugh is almost as much a master of the world\nas he who is ready to die.\n\t\t-- Giacomo Leopardi\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who hates vices hates mankind.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who hesitates is last.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who hesitates is sometimes saved.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.\n\t\t-- Bertolt Brecht\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who laughs last -- missed the punch line.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who laughs last didn't get the joke.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who laughs last is probably your boss.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who laughs last usually had to have joke explained.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who laughs, lasts.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.\n\t\t-- Dr. Johnson\n"}, {"quote": "\nHonesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHonesty's the best policy.\n\t\t-- Miguel de Cervantes\n"}, {"quote": "\nHoni soit qui mal y pense.\n\t[Evil to him who evil thinks.]\n\t\t-- Motto of the Order of the Garter (est. Edward III)\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow you look depends on where you go.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI am a man: nothing human is alien to me.\n\t\t-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)\n"}, {"quote": "\nI doubt, therefore I might be.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI know on which side my bread is buttered.\n\t\t-- John Heywood\n"}, {"quote": "\nI think, therefore I am... I think.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'll turn over a new leaf.\n\t\t-- Miguel de Cervantes\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf a fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.\n\t\t-- William Blake\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf anything can go wrong, it will.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf at first you don't succeed, redefine success.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf at first you don't succeed, try, try again.\n\t\t-- W.E. Hickson\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.\n\t\t-- Leonard Levinson\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.\n\t\t-- Chinese proverb\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.\n\t\t-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf in doubt, mumble.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf it ain't broke, don't fix it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf it heals good, say it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf the shoe fits, it's ugly.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf there is no wind, row.\n\t\t-- Polish proverb\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf two wrongs don't make a right, try three.\n\t\t-- Laurence J. Peter\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk.\nIf you wish to be happy for three days, get married.\nIf you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it.\nIf you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.\n\t\t-- Chinese Proverb\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you wish to succeed, consult three old people.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn charity there is no excess.\n\t\t-- Francis Bacon\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn God we trust; all else we walk through.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.\n\t\t-- Benjamin Franklin\n"}, {"quote": "\nInspiration without perspiration is usually sterile.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIntegrity has no need for rules.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.\n\t\t-- Aeschylus\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is annoying to be honest to no purpose.\n\t\t-- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is bad luck to be superstitious.\n\t\t-- Andrew W. Mathis\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is better to have loved and lost -- much better.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is better to wear out than to rust out.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is common sense to take a method and try it.  If it fails,\nadmit it frankly and try another.  But above all, try something.\n\t\t-- Franklin D. Roosevelt\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.\n\t\t-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.\n\t\t-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.\n\t\t-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.\n\t\t-- Roger Babson\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.\n\t\t-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's always darkest just before the lights go out.\n\t\t-- Alex Clark\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's better to burn out than it is to rust.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's better to burn out than to fade away.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's later than you think.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's the thought, if any, that counts!\n"}, {"quote": "\nKeep on keepin' on.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKeep the phase, baby.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKites rise highest against the wind -- not with it.\n\t\t-- Winston Churchill\n"}, {"quote": "\nKnowledge is power.\n\t\t-- Francis Bacon\n"}, {"quote": "\nKnowledge without common sense is folly.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLaugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLaugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLaugh at your problems; everybody else does.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLaugh when you can; cry when you must.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLaugh, and the world ignores you.  Crying doesn't help either.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLeave no stone unturned.\n\t\t-- Euripides\n"}, {"quote": "\nLeft to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLet sleeping dogs lie.\n\t\t-- Charles Dickens\n"}, {"quote": "\nLet your conscience be your guide.\n\t\t-- Pope\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is one long struggle in the dark.\n\t\t-- Titus Lucretius Carus\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Life is too important to take seriously.\"\n\t\t-- Corky Siegel\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is too short to be taken seriously.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nLook before you leap.\n\t\t-- Samuel Butler\n"}, {"quote": "\nLook ere ye leap.\n\t\t-- John Heywood\n"}, {"quote": "\nMan is the measure of all things.\n\t\t-- Protagoras\n"}, {"quote": "\nMankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.\n\t\t-- Plotinus\n"}, {"quote": "\nMany are called, few are chosen.  Fewer still get to do the choosing.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMany are called, few volunteer.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMany are cold, but few are frozen.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMany hands make light work.\n\t\t-- John Heywood\n"}, {"quote": "\nMay you have warm words on a cold evening,\na full mooon on a dark night,\nand a smooth road all the way to your door.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMay you live in uninteresting times.\n\t\t-- Chinese proverb\n"}, {"quote": "\nMen freely believe that what they wish to desire.\n\t\t-- Julius Caesar\n"}, {"quote": "\nMisery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMisery no longer loves company.  Nowadays it insists on it.\n\t\t-- Russell Baker\n"}, {"quote": "\nMisfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMistrust first impulses; they are always right.\n"}, {"quote": "\nModeration in all things.\n\t\t-- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence]\n"}, {"quote": "\nModeration is a fatal thing.  Nothing succeeds like excess.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nMother is the invention of necessity.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMum's the word.\n\t\t-- Miguel de Cervantes\n"}, {"quote": "\nNecessity has no law.\n\t\t-- St. Augustine\n"}, {"quote": "\nNecessity hath no law.\n\t\t-- Oliver Cromwell\n"}, {"quote": "\nNecessity is a mother.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever do today what you can put off until tomorrow.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever look a gift horse in the mouth.\n\t\t-- Saint Jerome\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever promise more than you can perform.\n\t\t-- Publilius Syrus\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNice guys don't finish nice.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.\n\t\t-- Evan Davis\n"}, {"quote": "\nNice guys finish last.\n\t\t-- Leo Durocher\n"}, {"quote": "\nNice guys get sick.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.\n\t\t-- Aesop\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo evil can happen to a good man.\n\t\t-- Plato\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.\n\t\t-- Aristotle\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo good deed goes unpunished.\n\t\t-- Clare Booth Luce\n"}, {"quote": "\nNone love the bearer of bad news.\n\t\t-- Sophocles\n"}, {"quote": "\nNot everything worth doing is worth doing well.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing endures but change.\n\t\t-- Heraclitus\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a\nproverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it.\n\t\t-- John Keats\n"}, {"quote": "\nNullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit.\n\t[There is no great genius without some touch of madness.]\n\t\t-- Seneca\n"}, {"quote": "\nOften things ARE as bad as they seem!\n"}, {"quote": "\nOnce a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.\n\t\t-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)\n"}, {"quote": "\nOnce harm has been done, even a fool understands it.\n\t\t-- Homer\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne good turn asketh another.\n\t\t-- John Heywood\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne good turn deserves another.\n\t\t-- Gaius Petronius\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne good turn usually gets most of the blanket.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne man's Mede is another man's Persian.\n\t\t-- George M. Cohan\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne picture is worth more than ten thousand words.\n\t\t-- Chinese proverb\n"}, {"quote": "\nOppernockity tunes but once.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOut of sight is out of mind.\n\t\t-- Arthur Clough\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\t-- Owen Meredith\n"}, {"quote": "\nPatience is the best remedy for every trouble.\n\t\t-- Titus Maccius Plautus\n"}, {"quote": "\nPauca sed matura.\n\t[Few but excellent.]\n\t\t-- Gauss\n"}, {"quote": "\nPereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.\n\t[Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]\n\tor\n\t[May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]\n\t\t-- Aelius Donatus\n"}, {"quote": "\nPity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.\n\t\t-- Don Marquis\n"}, {"quote": "\nPlus ,\bca change, plus c'est la m^\beme chose.\n\t[The more things change, the more they remain the same.]\n\t\t-- Alphonse Karr, \"Les Gu^\bepes\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nPractice yourself what you preach.\n\t\t-- Titus Maccius Plautus\n"}, {"quote": "\nPraise the sea; on shore remain.\n\t\t-- John Florio\n"}, {"quote": "\nPray to God, but keep rowing to shore.\n\t\t-- Russian Proverb\n"}, {"quote": "\nProsperity makes friends, adversity tries them.\n\t\t-- Publilius Syrus\n"}, {"quote": "\nQuidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.\n\t[Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.]\n"}, {"quote": "\nRemembering is for those who have forgotten.\n\t\t-- Chinese proverb\n"}, {"quote": "\nRemoving the straw that broke the camel's back does not necessarily\nallow the camel to walk again.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRome was not built in one day.\n\t\t-- John Heywood\n"}, {"quote": "\nRome wasn't burnt in a day.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRotten wood cannot be carved.\n\t\t-- Confucius, \"Analects\", Book 5, Ch. 9\n"}, {"quote": "\nScintillation is not always identification for an auric substance.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSeek simplicity -- and distrust it.\n\t\t-- Alfred North Whitehead\n"}, {"quote": "\nSeize the day, put no trust in the morrow!\n\t\t-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)\n"}, {"quote": "\nSet the cart before the horse.\n\t\t-- John Heywood\n"}, {"quote": "\nSi jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait.\n\t[If youth but knew, if old age but could.]\n\t\t-- Henri Estienne\n"}, {"quote": "\nSic transit gloria Monday!\n"}, {"quote": "\nSic transit gloria mundi.\n\t[So passes away the glory of this world.]\n\t\t-- Thomas `\ba Kempis\n"}, {"quote": "\nSic Transit Gloria Thursdi.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSmall change can often be found under seat cushions.\n\t\t-- One of Lazarus Long's most penetrating insights\n"}, {"quote": "\nSmall is beautiful.\n\t\t-- Schumacher's Dictum\n"}, {"quote": "\nStop searching forever.  Happiness is just next to you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nStop searching forever.  Happiness is unattainable.\n"}, {"quote": "\nStop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.  Now, if they'd only\ntake a bath ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nSweet April showers do spring May flowers.\n\t\t-- Thomas Tusser\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe coast was clear.\n\t\t-- Lope de Vega\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe course of true anything never does run smooth.\n\t\t-- Samuel Butler\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe descent to Hades is the same from every place.\n\t\t-- Anaxagoras\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe early worm gets the bird.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe early worm gets the late bird.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe ends justify the means.\n\t\t-- after Matthew Prior\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's.\n\t\t-- Polish proverb\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe life which is unexamined is not worth living.\n\t\t-- Plato\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe man who runs may fight again.\n\t\t-- Menander\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant\nis forever blessed.\n\t\t-- Old Japanese proverb\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe more the merrier.\n\t\t-- John Heywood\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe more things change, the more they stay insane.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only certainty is that nothing is certain.\n\t\t-- Pliny the Elder\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only constant is change.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.\n\t\t-- Phaedrus\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only reward of virtue is virtue.\n\t\t-- Ralph Waldo Emerson\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more often.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe proof of the pudding is in the eating.\n\t\t-- Miguel de Cervantes\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe reverse side also has a reverse side.  \n\t\t-- Japanese proverb\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe road to Hades is easy to travel.\n\t\t-- Bion\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe superfluous is very necessary.\n\t\t-- Voltaire\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled\nculinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe worst is enemy of the bad.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are more things in heaven and earth than any place else.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is no fool to the old fool.\n\t\t-- John Heywood\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is no grief which time does not lessen and soften.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is no proverb that is not true.\n\t\t-- Cervantes\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's no heavier burden than a great potential.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's no such thing as a free lunch.\n\t\t-- Milton Friendman\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's no such thing as an original sin.\n\t\t-- Elvis Costello\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's no time like the pleasant.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThings are more like they are today than they ever were before.\n\t\t-- Dwight Eisenhower\n"}, {"quote": "\nThings are more like they used to be than they are now.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThings are not always what they seem.\n\t\t-- Phaedrus\n"}, {"quote": "\nThings fall apart; the centre cannot hold.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThou hast seen nothing yet.\n\t\t-- Miguel de Cervantes\n"}, {"quote": "\nThree may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.\n\t\t-- Benjamin Franklin\n"}, {"quote": "\nTime and tide wait for no man.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTime as he grows old teaches all things.\n\t\t-- Aeschylus\n"}, {"quote": "\nTime flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTime goes, you say?\nAh no!\nTime stays, *we* go.\n\t\t-- Austin Dobson\n"}, {"quote": "\nTime sure flies when you don't know what you're doing.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo add insult to injury.\n\t\t-- Phaedrus\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo err is human, but when the eraser wears out before the pencil,\nyou're overdoing it a little.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo err is human, to forgive is against company policy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo err is human, to forgive unusual.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo err is human, to moo bovine.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo err is human, to purr feline.\nTo err is human, two curs canine.\nTo err is human, to moo bovine.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.\n\t\t-- Benjamin Franklin\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo err is human.\nTo blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo err is human; to admit it, a blunder.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy.\n\t\t-- MIT Assasination Club\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo err is humor.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.\n\t\t-- B. Duggan\n"}, {"quote": "\nTreat your friend as if he might become an enemy.\n\t\t-- Publilius Syrus\n"}, {"quote": "\nTrust in Allah, but tie your camel.\n\t\t-- Arabian proverb\n"}, {"quote": "\nTruth can wait; he's used to it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTurn the other cheek.\n\t\t-- Jesus Christ\n"}, {"quote": "\nTwo heads are better than one.\n\t\t-- John Heywood\n"}, {"quote": "\nTwo heads are more numerous than one.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTwo is company, three is an orgy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTwo wrongs are only the beginning.\n\t\t-- Kohn\n"}, {"quote": "\nTwo wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.\n\t\t-- Thomas Szasz\n"}, {"quote": "\nTwo wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWalking on water wasn't built in a day.\n\t\t-- Jack Kerouac\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe are what we are.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe are what we pretend to be.\n\t\t-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWell begun is half done.\n\t\t-- Aristotle\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat fools these morals be!\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat fools these mortals be.\n\t\t-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.\n\t\t-- John Lilly\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat one fool can do, another can.\n\t\t-- Ancient Simian Proverb\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat we wish, that we readily believe.\n\t\t-- Demosthenes\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat you don't know won't help you much either.\n\t\t-- D. Bennett\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.\n\t\t-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen in doubt, follow your heart.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen in doubt, use brute force.\n\t\t-- Ken Thompson\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen the ax entered the forest, the trees said, \"The handle is one of us!\"\n\t\t-- Turkish proverb\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.\n\t\t-- Chinese proverb\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen the going gets tough, everyone leaves.\n\t\t-- Lynch\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.\n\t\t-- Hunter S. Thompson\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look\nlike a nail.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen the sun shineth, make hay.\n\t\t-- John Heywood\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you are at Rome live in the Roman style; when you are elsewhere live\nas they live elsewhere.\n\t\t-- St. Ambrose\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable,\nmust be the truth.\n\t\t-- Sherlock Holmes, \"The Sign of Four\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhere there are visible vapors, having their prevenance in ignited\ncarbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhere there is much light there is also much shadow.\n\t\t-- Goethe\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhile there's life, there's hope.\n\t\t-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.\n\t\t-- Bernard Levin\n"}, {"quote": "\nWithout fools there would be no wisdom.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWords are the voice of the heart.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWords can never express what words can never express.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWords have a longer life than deeds.\n\t\t-- Pindar\n"}, {"quote": "\nWould ye both eat your cake and have your cake?\n\t\t-- John Heywood\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou buttered your bread, now lie in it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can fool some of the people all of the time,\nand all of the people some of the time,\nbut you can make a fool of yourself anytime.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can fool some of the people all of the time,\nand all of the people some of the time,\nbut you can never fool your Mom.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can fool some of the people some of the time,\nand some of the people all of the time,\nand that is sufficient.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can get everything in life you want, if you will help enough other\npeople get what they want.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a\nkind word alone.\n\t\t-- Al Capone\n\t\t[Also attributed to Johnny Carson.  Ed.]\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can move the world with an idea, but you have to think of it first.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can never do just one thing.\n\t\t-- Hardin\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can't break eggs without making an omelet.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou cannot see the wood for the trees.\n\t\t-- John Heywood\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou get what you pay for.\n\t\t-- Gabriel Biel\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?\n\t\t-- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus\n"}, {"quote": "\nZhizn' prozhit'--ne pole pereiti.\n\t[Life's a bitch.]\n\t[Well, okay.  lit., to live through life is not as simple as crossing\n\t a field.  Happy now?]\n\t\t-- Russian proverb\n"}, {"quote": "\n$100 invested at 7"}, {"quote": " interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at\nwhich time it will be worth absolutely nothing.\n\t\t-- Lazarus Long, \"Time Enough for Love\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n1st graffitiist: QUESTION AUTHORITY!\n\n2nd graffitiist: Why?\n"}, {"quote": "\nA \"No\" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a\n\"Yes\" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.\n\t\t-- Mahatma Ghandi\n"}, {"quote": "\nA billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money.\n\t\t-- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget\n"}, {"quote": "\nA billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.\nA billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.\nA billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.\nA billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files is to make a copy of everything\nbefore he destroys it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the\npoor to protect them from each other.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but\nwon't cross the street to vote in a national election.\n\t\t-- Bill Vaughan\n"}, {"quote": "\nA Difficulty for Every Solution.\n\t\t-- Motto of the Federal Civil Service\n"}, {"quote": "\nA diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you\nactually look forward to the trip.\n\t\t-- Caskie Stinnett, \"Out of the Red\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nA diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol.\n\t\t-- Adlai Stevenson\n"}, {"quote": "\nA fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.\n\t\t-- Winston Churchill\n"}, {"quote": "\nA free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.\n\t\t-- Adlai Stevenson\n"}, {"quote": "\nA general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding ducks.\n\t\t-- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981\n"}, {"quote": "\nA government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough\nto take it all away.\n\t\t-- Barry Goldwater\n"}, {"quote": "\nA great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.\n\t\t-- B. Franklin\n"}, {"quote": "\nA great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest\nman a century.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals\nare bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for\nnot going to church on Sunday.\n\t\t-- Russell Baker\n"}, {"quote": "\nA lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA long memory is the most subversive idea in America.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA national debt, if it is not excessive, will be to us a national blessing.\n\t\t-- Alexander Hamilton\n"}, {"quote": "\nA nuclear war can ruin your whole day.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA penny saved is a penny taxed.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA penny saved kills your career in government.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom,\nbut he has no means to realize it other than through violence.\n\t\t-- Jean Paul Sartre\n"}, {"quote": "\nA prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then\nasks you not to kill him.\n\t\t-- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952\n"}, {"quote": "\nA public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be\ntoo heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which\nwas intended for her preservation.\n\t\t-- Colton\n"}, {"quote": "\nA real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having\nhis neighbour notice it.\n\t\t-- Trygve Lie\n"}, {"quote": "\nA real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices\nthat the system works.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.\n\t\t-- Ramsey Clark\n"}, {"quote": "\nA sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from\nthe vexation of thinking.\n\t\t-- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831\n"}, {"quote": "\nA statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years.\n\t\t-- Harry S. Truman\n"}, {"quote": "\nA straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.\n\t\t-- O'Henry\n"}, {"quote": "\nA strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many\nbad measures.\n\t\t-- Daniel Webster\n"}, {"quote": "\nAbraham Lincoln didn't die in vain.  He died in Washington, D.C.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of\nthe unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the\ncost to others, to win advancement.\"\n\t\t-- Norman Thomas\n"}, {"quote": "\nAirplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.\n\t-- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy,\n\t   Ecole Superieure de Guerre\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlea iacta est.\n\t[The die is cast]\n\t\t-- Gaius Julius Caesar\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was\nthe closest our country has ever been to being even.\n\t-- The Best of Will Rogers\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent\nupon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a\nvisit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is\ninforming, stimulating and ennobling.\n\t\t-- H. L. Mencken\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll bad precedents began as justifiable measures.\n\t\t-- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in \"The Conspiracy of\n\t\t   Catiline\", by Sallust\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.\n\t\t-- Chou En Lai\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll kings is mostly rapscallions.\n\t\t--Mark Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of\nthe United States.\n\t\t-- Vic Gold\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats.\n\t\t-- Groucho Marx\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by\nthe government in less than a second.\n\t\t-- Jim Fiebig\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes\ninfinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in\nwhich he was born.\n\t\t-- Francois Fenelon\n"}, {"quote": "\nAmerica is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one\ndollar, and use it up in two weeks.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAmerica may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism\nto decadence without touching civilization.\n\t\t-- John O'Hara\n"}, {"quote": "\nAmerica: born free and taxed to death.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to lie and intrigue for the\nbenefit of his country.\n\t\t-- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the president but is\nalways polite to traffic cops.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn efficient and a successful administration manifests itself equally in\nsmall as in great matters.  \n\t\t-- W. Churchill\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.\n\t\t-- Simon Cameron\n\nThere are honest journalists like there are honest politicians.  When\nbought they stay bought.\n\t\t-- Bill Moyers\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnarchy may not be a better form of government, but it's better than no\ngovernment at all.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a\ncourtesy detail.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnd they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man\nwith a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAndrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes.\nGalileo: No, unhappy the land that _____\b\b\b\b\bneeds heroes.\n\t\t-- Bertolt Brecht, \"Life of Galileo\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnother such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.\n\t\t-- Pyrrhus\n"}, {"quote": "\nAny excuse will serve a tyrant.\n\t\t-- Aesop\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years\norganising and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.\n\t\t-- David Broder\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no\naccount be allowed to do the job.\n\t\t-- Douglas Adams, \"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAs long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination.\nWhen it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde, \"Intentions\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAudacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.\n\t\t-- G.J. Danton\n"}, {"quote": "\nBan the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBe it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes; nothing is safe while the\nlegislature is in session.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBedfellows make strange politicians.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBlessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.\n\t\t-- Herbert Hoover\n"}, {"quote": "\nC'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre!\n\t[It is magnificent, but it is not war]\n\t\t-- Pierre Bosquet, witnessing the charge of the Light Brigade\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception.\"\n\t\t-- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989\n"}, {"quote": "\nCanada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.  It's 2 cents\nfor postage and 30 cents for storage.\n\t\t-- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post\n"}, {"quote": "\nCensus Taker to Housewife:\nDid you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many?\n"}, {"quote": "\nConcerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermount noted\nin January, 1966, \"I'm not very keen for doves or hawks.  I think we need\nmore owls.\"\n\t\t-- Bill Adler, \"The Washington Wits\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nConquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCorruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner.  His job\nis to enforce the law and fight crime.\n\t\t-- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan\n"}, {"quote": "\nCrime does not pay ... as well as politics.\n\t\t-- Alfred E. Newman\n"}, {"quote": "\nCutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity.  It\neliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the\nbusiness of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation.\"\n\t\t-- Johnny Hart\n"}, {"quote": "\nDemand the establishment of the government in its rightful home at Disneyland.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDemocracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors.\n\t\t-- Ralph Waldo Emerson\n"}, {"quote": "\nDemocracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than\nwe deserve.\n\t\t-- George Bernard Shaw\n"}, {"quote": "\nDemocracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder\naloud what the country could do under first-class management.\n\t\t-- Senator Soaper\n"}, {"quote": "\nDemocracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the\nincompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.\n\t\t-- G.B. Shaw\n"}, {"quote": "\nDemocracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you\ndon't think.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDemocracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who\nwill get the blame.\n\t\t-- Laurence J. Peter\n"}, {"quote": "\nDemocracy is good.  I say this because other systems are worse.\n\t\t-- Jawaharlal Nehru\n"}, {"quote": "\nDemocracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them.\n\t\t-- Arman de Caillavet, 1913\n"}, {"quote": "\nDemocracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people\nare right more than half of the time.\n\t\t-- E. B. White\n"}, {"quote": "\nDemocracy is the worst form of government except all those other\nforms that have been tried from time to time.\n\t\t-- Winston Churchill\n"}, {"quote": "\nDemocracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for\nthe people.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nDemographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the board.\nEspecially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDiplomacy is about surviving until the next century.  Politics is about\nsurviving until Friday afternoon.\n\t\t-- Sir Humphrey Appleby\n"}, {"quote": "\nDiplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.\n\t\t-- Daniele Vare\n"}, {"quote": "\nDiplomacy is the art of saying \"nice doggie\" until you can find a rock.\n\t\t-- Wynn Catlin\n"}, {"quote": "\nDiplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way.\n\t\t-- Balfour\n"}, {"quote": "\nDisclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't be humble ... you're not that great.\n\t\t-- Golda Meir\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't mind him; politicians always sound like that.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't steal... the IRS hates competition!\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't suspect your friends -- turn them in!\n\t\t-- \"Brazil\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't talk to me about naval tradition.  It's nothing but rum, sodomy and\nthe lash.\n\t-- Winston Churchill\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't vote -- it only encourages them!\n"}, {"quote": "\nDue to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders\nhas been discontinued.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEach person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs\nin his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a\nuniversity degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two\n3x4 snapshots, and a good tax record.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEach person has the right to take the subway.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEven though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United\nStates we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a day.\n\n\t[and getting better!  Soon it'll be down to a penny a day!]\n"}, {"quote": "\nEver wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvery country has the government it deserves.\n\t\t-- Joseph De Maistre\n"}, {"quote": "\nEverything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,\nno one we know belongs.\n"}, {"quote": "\nExtremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit\nof justice is no virtue.\n\t\t-- Barry Goldwater\n"}, {"quote": "\nFanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim.\n\t\t-- George Santayana\n"}, {"quote": "\nFay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity.\nTruscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified.\n\t\t-- Joe Orton, \"Loot\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nFear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing.\n\t\t-- H.S. Thompson\n"}, {"quote": "\nFirst rule of public speaking.\n\tFirst, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em;\n\tthen tell 'em;\n\tthen tell 'em what you've tole 'em.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years.\nThis gives me great hope for the human race.\n\t\t-- Harlan Ellison\n"}, {"quote": "\nForgive him, for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws\nof nature!\n\t\t-- G.B. Shaw\n"}, {"quote": "\nFraud is the homage that force pays to reason.\n\t\t-- Charles Curtis, \"A Commonplace Book\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nFree Speech Is The Right To Shout 'Theater' In A Crowded Fire.\n\t\t-- A Yippie Proverb\n"}, {"quote": "\nFreedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFreedom is nothing else but the chance to do better.\n\t\t-- Camus\n"}, {"quote": "\nFreedom is slavery.\nIgnorance is strength.\nWar is peace.\n\t\t-- George Orwell\n"}, {"quote": "\nFreedom of the press is for those who happen to own one.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFreedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.\n\t\t-- Kris Kristofferson, \"Me and Bobby McGee\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"... gentlemen do not read each other's mail.\"\n\t\t-- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down\n\t\t   the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National\n\t\t   Security Agency.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGeorge Orwell 1984.  Northwestern 0.\n\t\t-- Chicago Reader 10/15/82\n"}, {"quote": "\nGeorge Orwell was an optimist.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGeorge Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to\nhave his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.\n\t\t-- Ashley Cooper\n"}, {"quote": "\nGive all orders verbally.  Never write anything down that might go into a\n\"Pearl Harbor File\".\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war.\"\n\t\t-- Napoleon\n"}, {"quote": "\nGiving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and\ncar keys to teenage boys.\n\t-- P.J. O'Rourke\n"}, {"quote": "\nGod shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects to\nreceive it.\n\t\t-- Austin O'Malley\n"}, {"quote": "\nGood leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGot a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service?  \nCall the convenient toll-free \"IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number\":\n\n\t1-800-AUDITME\n"}, {"quote": "\nGovern a great nation as you would cook a small fish.  Don't overdo it.\n\t\t-- Lao Tsu\n"}, {"quote": "\nGovernment [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage.\n\t\t-- John Updike, \"Couples\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nGovernment lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are different lies.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGovernment spending?  I don't know what it's all about.  I don't know\nany more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he\ndoesn't know much.\n\t\t-- Will Rogers\n"}, {"quote": "\nGreat Moments in History: #3\n\nAugust 27, 1949:\n\tA Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the\n\tWomen's Air Corp.  It was a WAC's Museum.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGrub first, then ethics.\n\t\t-- Bertolt Brecht\n"}, {"quote": "\nHark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender.  You stand convicted of\nsickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.\n\t\t-- Tobias Smollet\n"}, {"quote": "\nHave you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline\nsharply the minute they start waving guns around?\n\t\t-- Dr. Who\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe didn't run for reelection.  \"Politics brings you into contact with all\nthe people you'd give anything to avoid,\" he said. \"I'm staying home.\"\n\t\t-- Garrison Keillor, \"Lake Wobegone Days\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe is the best of men who dislikes power.\n\t\t-- Mohammed\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.\n\t\t-- Wanda, \"A Fish Called Wanda\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry\nattacks democracy itself.\n\t\t-- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will be the greatest\nbenefactor the world has yet known.\n\t\t-- Sir Richard Burton\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who slings mud generally loses ground.\n\t\t-- Adlai Stevenson\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe's just a politician trying to save both his faces...\n"}, {"quote": "\nHear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad.  From where the\nsun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever.\n\t\t-- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce\n"}, {"quote": "\nHere comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHistory is on our side (as long as we can control the historians).\n"}, {"quote": "\nHistory is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on.\n\t\t-- Napoleon Bonaparte, \"Maxims\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHistory teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have\nexhausted all other alternatives.\n\t\t-- Abba Eban\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?\n\t\t-- Charles de Gaulle\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow is the world ruled, and how do wars start?  Diplomats tell lies to\njournalists, and they believe what they read.\n\t\t-- Karl Kraus, \"Aphorisms and More Aphorisms\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend\nthan be one.\n\t\t-- Clarence Darrow\n"}, {"quote": "\nI am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves\nfor others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice.  To be a man\nis to suffer for others.\n\t\t-- Cesar Chavez\n"}, {"quote": "\nI am not a politician and my other habits are also good.\n\t\t-- A. Ward\n"}, {"quote": "\nI can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half.\n\t\t-- Jay Gould\n"}, {"quote": "\nI don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to\nrun their own business.  I know men that would make my wife a better\nhusband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em.\n\t\t-- The Best of Will Rogers\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the nominating.\"\n\t\t-- Boss Tweed\n"}, {"quote": "\nI don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the\nstreets and frighten the horses.\n\t\t-- Victor Hugo\n"}, {"quote": "\nI DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets\nfall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.\n\t\t-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40.\n\t\t-- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd\n\t\t   just shot.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.\n\t\t-- Augustus Caesar\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have a dream.  I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia, \nthe sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to\nsit down together at the table of brotherhood.\n\t\t-- Martin Luther King, Jr.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to sacrifice\nmy wife's brother.\n\t\t-- Artemus Ward\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have always noticed that whenever a radical takes to Imperialism,\nhe catches it in a very acute form.\n\t\t-- Winston Churchill, 1903\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth\nand they never believe me.\n\t\t-- Camillo Di Cavour\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have gained this by philosophy:\nthat I do without being commanded what others do only from fear of the law.\n\t\t-- Aristotle\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have never understood this liking for war.  It panders to instincts\nalready catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic establishment.\n\t\t-- Alan Bennett\n"}, {"quote": "\nI hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing...\n\t\t-- Thomas Jefferson\n"}, {"quote": "\nI know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World\nWar IV will be fought with sticks and stones.\n\t\t-- Albert Einstein\n"}, {"quote": "\nI like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to promote\npeace than our governments.  Indeed, I think that people want peace so much\nthat one of these days governments had better get out of the way and let them\nhave it.\n\t\t-- Dwight D. Eisenhower\n"}, {"quote": "\nI might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a congressman.\n\t\t-- Will Rogers\n"}, {"quote": "\nI needed the good will of the legislature of four states.  I formed the\nlegislative bodies with my own money.  I found that it was cheaper that way.\n\t\t-- Jay Gould\n"}, {"quote": "\nI never deny, I never contradict.  I sometimes forget.\n\t\t-- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the\n\t\t   Royal Family\n"}, {"quote": "\nI never vote for anyone.  I always vote against.\n\t\t-- W.C. Fields\n"}, {"quote": "\nI owe the government $3400 in taxes.  So I sent them two hammers and a\ntoilet seat.\n\t\t-- Michael McShane\n"}, {"quote": "\nI pledge allegiance to the flag\nof the United States of America\nand to the republic for which it stands,\none nation,\nindivisible,\nwith liberty\nand justice for all.\n\t\t-- Francis Bellamy, 1892\n"}, {"quote": "\nI prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war.\n\t\t-- Cicero\n\nEven peace may be purchased at too high a price.\n\t\t-- Poor Richard\n"}, {"quote": "\nI see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes.  I hope\nthey do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em.\n\t\t-- The Best of Will Rogers\n"}, {"quote": "\nI see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neigbors to\nthe south.  We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about\nus; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart.\n\t\t-- The Best of Will Rogers\n"}, {"quote": "\nI steal.\n\t\t-- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board\n\nEasy.  I own Chicago.  I own Miami.  I own Las Vegas.\n\t\t-- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living\n"}, {"quote": "\nI think the world is run by C students.\n\t\t-- Al McGuire\n"}, {"quote": "\nI trust the first lion he meets will do his duty.\n\t\t-- J.P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari\n"}, {"quote": "\nI try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.\n\t\t-- Bill Veeck\n"}, {"quote": "\nI try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.\n\t\t-- Judge Harold T. Stone\n"}, {"quote": "\nI use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well.\n\t\t-- Woodrow Wilson\n"}, {"quote": "\nI want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.\n\t\t-- Martin Luther King, Jr.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life.  I\nasked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career of a\nrobber.\n\t\t-- Tiburcio Vasquez\n"}, {"quote": "\nI wish a robot would get elected president.  That way, when he came to town,\nwe could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.\n\t\t-- Jack Handley\n"}, {"quote": "\nI would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in\nunderstanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good,\nour tasks will be solved.\n\t\t-- Warren G. Harding\n"}, {"quote": "\nI would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection\nwith income tax policies.\n\t\t-- William F. Buckley\n"}, {"quote": "\nI would much rather have men ask why I have no statue, than why I have one.\n\t\t-- Marcus Procius Cato\n"}, {"quote": "\nI would rather be a serf in a poor man's house and be above ground than\nreign among the dead.\n\t\t-- Achilles, \"The Odessey\", XI, 489-91\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the\nwhole field to private industry.\n\t\t-- Joseph Heller\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,\ncarry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,\nI'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun.\"\n\t\t-- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.\nThat will *prove* I'm Robin Hood.\"\n\t\t-- Daffy Duck, \"Robin Hood Daffy\", [1958, Chuck Jones]\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House.  President Johnson\nsays a war isn't really a war without my jokes.\n\t\t-- Bob Hope\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States.  The only thing is\n-- I could be just as proud for half the money.\n\t\t-- Arthur Godfrey\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's lives.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom;\nand the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it\nwill lose that, too.\n\t\t-- W. Somerset Maugham\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing but illegal\npurposes.\n\t\t-- J. Edgar Hoover\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf everybody minded their own business, the world would go around a deal faster.\n\t\t-- The Duchess, \"Through the Looking Glass\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.\n\t\t-- Bertrand Russell\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with\ngreen, baggy skin.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a candidate.\n\t\t-- Jerry Dreshfield\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital, had made a lot of Capital,\nit would have been much better.\n\t\t-- Karl Marx's Mother\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,\nhe should see how bad it is with representation.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they\nwill take sandwiches.\n\t\t-- Lord Boyd-orr\n\nEats first, morals after.\n\t\t-- Bertolt Brecht, \"The Threepenny Opera\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.\n\t\t-- Robert Frost\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream\nand never be our destiny.\n\t\t-- Ren'\be de Visme Williamson\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf the government doesn't trust the people, why doesn't it dissolve them\nand elect a new people?\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!\"\n\t\t-- \"Ma\" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf the rich could pay the poor to die for them, what a living the poor\ncould make!\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf they were so inclined, they could impeach him because they don't like\nhis necktie.\n\t\t-- Attorney General William Saxbe\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf voting could change the system, it would be illegal.  If not voting\ncould change the system, it would be illegal.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.\n\t\t-- R. Schaeberle, \"Management Accounting\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty, we encourage it,\nand involve others in our doom.\n\t\t-- Samuel Adams\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring.\n\t\t-- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to\nhave to get a toehold in the public eye.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it\nwill always do it.\n\t\t-- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is\nmake the rubble bounce.\n\t\t-- Winston Churchill\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.\n\t\t-- Graham Summer\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year\nwith it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.\n\t\t-- The Best of Will Rogers\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined\nthem up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government!\n\t\t-- Mr. Interesting\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some\nmemoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin'\nit, even if they don't know what it means.\n\t\t-- Walt Kelly, \"The Pogo Party\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf your hands are clean and your cause is just and your demands are\nreasonable, at least it's a start.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIllegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.\n\t\t-- Robert Orben\n\nImmigration is the sincerest form of flattery.\n\t\t-- Jack Paar\n"}, {"quote": "\nImbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely.\n\t\t-- Genji\n"}, {"quote": "\nImmigration is the sincerest form of flattery.\n\t\t-- Jack Paar\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one\nof the risks he takes.\n\t\t-- Adlai Stevenson\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools\nwill be temporarily canceled.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.\n\t\t-- W. Churchill, on General Montgomery\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last\nresort of the scoundrel.  With all due respect to an enlightened but\ninferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder; in life the recourse\nof the powerless is petty theft.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence\nis so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce, \"The Devil's Dictionary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced a Prime Minister worthy of\nassassination.\n\t\t-- John Diefenbaker\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.\n\t\t-- Lenny Bruce\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take\nmy advice.\n\t\t-- Winston Churchill\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn war it is not men, but the man who counts.\n\t\t-- Napoleon\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn war, truth is the first casualty.\n\t\t-- U Thant\n"}, {"quote": "\n... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves\nsmoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat.  It is\nnot a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.\n\t\t-- Stephen Crane\n"}, {"quote": "\nIndividualists unite!\n"}, {"quote": "\nIndomitable in retreat; invincible in advance; insufferable in victory.\n\t\t-- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery\n"}, {"quote": "\nInform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tInheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family\noften doesn't have a legacy to stand on.\n"}, {"quote": "\nInjustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.\n\t\t-- Martin Luther King, Jr.\n"}, {"quote": "\nInteresting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the\nstreet in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US\ninvasion of Grenada.  Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no;\nand 8 percent said \"Gimme a quarter?\"\n\t\t-- David Letterman\n"}, {"quote": "\nInterfere?  Of course we should interfere!  Always do what you're\nbest at, that's what I say.\n\t\t-- Doctor Who\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt got to the point where I had to get a haircut or both feet firmly\nplanted in the air.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is better to wear chains than to believe you are free, and weight\nyourself down with invisible chains.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.\n\t\t-- Alfred Adler\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination\nof his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends...\n\t\t-- Russell Baker and Charles Peters\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is impossible to defend perfectly against the attack of those who want\nto die.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is like saying that for the cause of peace, God and the Devil will\nhave a high-level meeting.\n\t\t-- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be privileged\nto utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to corrupt the\nyouthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.\n\t\t-- George Bernard Shaw\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is now 10 p.m.  Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?\n\t\t-- Elizabeth Carpenter\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a\nsentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate\nin all times and situations.  They presented him the words: \"And this,\ntoo, shall pass away.\"\n\t\t-- Abraham Lincoln\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better\nstill to be a live lion.  And usually easier.\n\t\t-- Lazarus Long\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of\none's life and then come round.\n\t\t-- Lord Alfred Douglas\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt seems a little silly now, but this country was founded as a protest\nagainst taxation.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country.  The\nGreeks never said it was sweet to die for anything.  They had no vital lies.\"\n\t\t-- Edith Hamilton, \"The Greek Way\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt was the Law of the Sea, they said.  Civilization ends at the waterline.\nBeyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.\n\t\t-- Hunter S. Thompson\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression\nwhen you lose yours.\n\t\t-- Harry S. Truman\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"It's a summons.\"\n\t\"What's a summons?\"\n\t\"It means summon's in trouble.\"\n\t\t-- Rocky and Bullwinkle\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the first\nthing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to kill somebody.\n\t\t-- Dorothy L. Sayers, \"Gaudy Night\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's important that people know what you stand for.\nIt's more important that they know what you won't stand for.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how\nto run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.\n\t\t-- George Burns\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon.  Which raises\nthe fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to.\n\t\t-- Franklin P. Jones\n"}, {"quote": "\nJoin in the new game that's sweeping the country.  It's called \"Bureaucracy\".\nEverybody stands in a circle.  The first person to do anything loses.\n"}, {"quote": "\nJoin the army, see the world, meet interesting, exciting people, and kill them.\n"}, {"quote": "\nJoin the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands, meet exciting interesting people,\nand kill them.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKeep your laws off my body!\n"}, {"quote": "\nKnow thyself.  If you need help, call the C.I.A.\n"}, {"quote": "\nL'etat c'est moi.\n\t[I am the state.]\n\t\t-- Louis XIV\n"}, {"quote": "\nLaw stands mute in the midst of arms.\n\t\t-- Marcus Tullius Cicero\n"}, {"quote": "\nLawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws!\n"}, {"quote": "\nLeadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what\nis happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and\nsmaller -- and there are many more of them.\n\t\t-- John Naisbitt, \"Megatrends\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nLet no guilty man escape.\n\t\t-- U.S. Grant\n"}, {"quote": "\nLet the people think they govern and they will be governed.\n\t\t-- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania\n"}, {"quote": "\nLet us never negotiate out of fear, but let us never fear to negotiate.\n\t\t-- John F. Kennedy\n"}, {"quote": "\nLiberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.\n\t-- The Best of Will Rogers\n"}, {"quote": "\nLiberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.\n\t\t-- Harry Emerson Fosdick\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is a concentration camp.  You're stuck here and there's no way\nout and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nLots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove America -- or give it back.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into\nthe smallest amount of thoughts.\"\n\t\t-- Winston Churchill\n"}, {"quote": "\nMajorities, of course, start with minorities.\n\t\t-- Robert Moses\n"}, {"quote": "\nMan is a military animal, glories in gunpowder, and loves parade.\n\t\t-- P.J. Bailey\n"}, {"quote": "\nMan is by nature a political animal.\n\t\t-- Aristotle\n"}, {"quote": "\nMany a bum show has been saved by the flag.\n\t\t-- George M. Cohan\n"}, {"quote": "\nMassachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMessage will arrive in the mail.  Destroy, before the FBI sees it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMilitary intelligence is a contradiction in terms.\n\t\t-- Groucho Marx\n"}, {"quote": "\nMilitary justice is to justice what military music is to music.\n\t\t-- Groucho Marx\n"}, {"quote": "\nMost people want either less corruption or more of a chance to\nparticipate in it.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"My country, right or wrong\" is a thing that no patriot would think\nof saying, except in a desperate case.  It is like saying \"My mother,\ndrunk or sober.\"\n\t\t-- G.K. Chesterton, \"The Defendant\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy experience with government is when things are non-controversial, beautifully\nco-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much is going on.\n\t\t-- J.F. Kennedy\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy father was a saint, I'm not.\n\t\t-- Indira Gandhi\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy folks didn't come over on the Mayflower, but they were there to meet\nthe boat.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe?  Everything he\n\t  says is wrong.\nGIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says\n\t  will be right.\n\t\t-- G. B. Shaw, \"The Man of Destiny\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nNational security is in your hands - guard it well.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNecessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom.\nIt is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.\n\t\t-- William Pitt, 1783\n"}, {"quote": "\nNeglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty.\n\t\t-- Napoleon\n"}, {"quote": "\nNemo me impune lacessit.\n\t[No one provokes me with impunity]\n\t\t-- Motto of the Crown of Scotland\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.\n\t\t-- Salvor Hardin, \"Foundation\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal.\n\t\t-- John Dillinger\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nNext to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying\nas an income tax refund.\n\t\t-- F. J. Raymond\n"}, {"quote": "\nNihilism should commence with oneself.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo man's ambition has a right to stand in the way of performing a simple\nact of justice.\n\t\t-- John Altgeld\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo matter whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not, th' supreme\ncourt follows th' iliction returns.\n\t\t-- Mr. Dooley\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good\nintentions.  He had money as well.\n\t\t-- Margaret Thatcher\n"}, {"quote": "\nNobody takes a bribe.  Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold out\nyour hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's\ndifferent.\n\t\t-- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P.\n\t\t   O'Brien, instructions to the force.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.\n\t\t-- Winston Churchill\n\nNext to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as\nsatisfying as an income tax refund.\n\t\t-- F.J. Raymond\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.\n\t\t-- Andrew Young\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely repugnant\nto God as everything which is official; and why? because the official is\nso impersonal and therefore the deepest insult which can be offered to a\npersonality.\n\t\t-- Soren Kierkegaard\n"}, {"quote": "\nNow and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of \nnormal routines, for children and adults alike.\"\n\t\t-- Willard F. Libby, \"You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Nuclear war would really set back cable.\"\n\t\t-- Ted Turner\n"}, {"quote": "\nOh, I don't blame Congress.  If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd\nbe irresponsible, too.\n\t\t-- Lichty & Wagner\n"}, {"quote": "\nOld soldiers never die.  Young ones do.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOn account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only\nnation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter\nwhat it does.\n\t\t-- Will Rogers\n"}, {"quote": "\nOnce is happenstance,\nTwice is coincidence,\nThree times is enemy action.\n\t\t-- Auric Goldfinger\n"}, {"quote": "\nOnce you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to\ndo and always a clever thing to say.\n\t\t-- Will Durant\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne organism, one vote.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne planet is all you get.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne seldom sees a monument to a committee.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOur sires' age was worse that our grandsires'.\nWe their sons are more worthless than they:\nso in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.\n\t\t-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)\n"}, {"quote": "\nOur swords shall play the orators for us.\n\t\t-- Christopher Marlowe\n"}, {"quote": "\nOurs is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.\n\t\t-- General Omar N. Bradley\n"}, {"quote": "\nPatriotism is the virtue of the vicious.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding.\n\t\t-- Albert Einstein\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeace is much more precious than a piece of land... let there be no more wars.\n\t\t-- Mohammed Anwar Sadat, 1918-1981\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an election.\n\t\t-- Otto Von Bismarck\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople of privilege will always risk their complete destruction\nrather than surrender any material part of their advantage.\n\t\t-- John Kenneth Galbraith\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople that can't find something to live for always seem to find something to\ndie for.  The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for it too.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world\ncitizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time.\n\t\t-- Norman Cousins\n"}, {"quote": "\nPerhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would\nbehave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in\norder to get power we would have to become very much like them.  (Lenin's\nfatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.)\n"}, {"quote": "\nPersistence in one opinion has never been considered a merit in political\nleaders.\n\t\t-- Marcus Tullius Cicero, \"Ad familiares\", 1st century BC\n"}, {"quote": "\nPilfering Treasury property is paticularly dangerous: big thieves are\nruthless in punishing little thieves.\n\t\t-- Diogenes\n"}, {"quote": "\nPoland has gun control.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPolitical history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to\nteach children.\n\t\t-- W.H. Auden\n"}, {"quote": "\nPolitical speeches are like steer horns.  A point here, a point there,\nand a lot of bull inbetween.\n\t\t-- Alfred E. Neuman\n"}, {"quote": "\nPolitical T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell\nall their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPoliticians are the same all over.  They promise to build a bridge even\nwhere there is no river.\n\t-- Nikita Khrushchev\n"}, {"quote": "\nPoliticians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.\n\t\t-- Arthur C. Clarke\n"}, {"quote": "\nPoliticians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have\nbeen, and never will be wrong.\n\t\t-- Walter Dwight\n"}, {"quote": "\nPolitics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign\nfunds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other.\n\t\t-- Oscar Ameringer\n"}, {"quote": "\nPolitics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and without\ngreatness.  Those who have greatness within them do not go in for politics.\n\t\t-- Albert Camus\n"}, {"quote": "\nPolitics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as dangerous.  In war,\nyou can only be killed once.\n\t\t-- Winston Churchill\n"}, {"quote": "\nPolitics is not the art of the possible.  It consists in choosing\nbetween the disastrous and the unpalatable.\n\t\t-- John Kenneth Galbraith\n"}, {"quote": "\nPolitics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next\nweek, next month and next year.  And to have the ability afterwards to\nexplain why it didn't happen.\n\t\t-- Winston Churchill\n"}, {"quote": "\nPolitics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics.\n\t\t-- Amy Gorin\n"}, {"quote": "\nPolitics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the\nsystematic organisation of hatreds.\n\t\t-- Henry Adams, \"The Education of Henry Adams\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nPolitics, like religion, hold up the torches of matrydom to the\nreformers of error.\n\t\t-- Thomas Jefferson\n"}, {"quote": "\nPopulus vult decipi.\n\t[The people like to be deceived.]\n"}, {"quote": "\nPost proelium, praemium.\n\t[After the battle, the reward.]\n"}, {"quote": "\nPostmen never die, they just lose their zip.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPoverty begins at home.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPoverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many poor\npeople.\n\t\t-- Don Herold\n"}, {"quote": "\nPower corrupts.  Absolute power is kind of neat.\n\t\t-- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987\n"}, {"quote": "\nPower is poison.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPower is the finest token of affection.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPower tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely.\n\t\t-- Lord Acton\n"}, {"quote": "\nPractical politics consists in ignoring facts.\n\t\t-- Henry Adams\n"}, {"quote": "\nPresident Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and\nforecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPut a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man.\n\t\t-- Napoleon Bonaparte, \"Maxims\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQuestion authority.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQUESTION AUTHORITY.\n\n(Sez who?)\n"}, {"quote": "\nQuestion: Is it better to abide by the rules until they're changed or\nhelp speed the change by breaking them?\n"}, {"quote": "\nRemember folks.  Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.\n\t\t-- Jim Samuels\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's ___\b\b\bnot the U.S.\nArmy doing it!\"\n\t\t-- Good Morning VietNam\n"}, {"quote": "\nReporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western\n\tCivilization?\nGandhi:\tI think it would be a good idea.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReunite Gondwondaland!\n"}, {"quote": "\nRev. Jim:\tWhat does an amber light mean?                                 \nBobby:\t\tSlow down.\nRev. Jim:\tWhat...   does...  an...  amber...  light...  mean?\nBobby:\t\tSlow down.\nRev. Jim:\tWhat....     does....     an....     amber....     light....\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Rights\" is a fictional abstraction.  No one has \"Rights\", neither machines\nnor flesh-and-blood.  Persons... have opportunities, not rights, which they\nuse or do not use.\n\t\t-- Lazarus Long\n"}, {"quote": "\nRule the Empire through force.\n\t\t-- Shogun Tokugawa\n"}, {"quote": "\nSauron is alive in Argentina!\n"}, {"quote": "\nScrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the Presidency.\n\t\t-- Richard Nixon\n"}, {"quote": "\nSecrecy is the beginning of tyranny.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes?\n\t[Who guards the Guardians?]\n"}, {"quote": "\nSentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed\nin driving rain waiting for transport to prison.  \"If this is the way Queen\nVictoria treats her prisoners,\" he remarked, \"she doesn't deserve to have\nany.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nSerfs up!\n\t\t-- Spartacus\n"}, {"quote": "\nShah, shah!  Ayatollah you so!\n"}, {"quote": "\nSherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken\nhim a great deal of pains to become what we now see him.  Such an excess of\nstupidity, sir, is not in Nature.\n\t\t-- Samuel Johnson\n"}, {"quote": "\nSigns of crime: screaming or cries for help.\n\t\t-- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet\n"}, {"quote": "\nSince a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised\nwhen others believe him.\n\t\t-- Charles DeGaulle\n"}, {"quote": "\nSince aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace!\n"}, {"quote": "\n[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the\nvices I admire.\n\t\t-- Winston Churchill\n"}, {"quote": "\n... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those\nwho wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent,\nand will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious\nand otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men.\n\t\t-- Voltarine de Cleyre\n"}, {"quote": "\nSo many men, so many opinions; every one his own way.\n\t\t-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen.\n\t\t-- Woodie Guthrie\n"}, {"quote": "\nStamp out organized crime!!  Abolish the IRS.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSuch a foolish notion, that war is called devotion, when the greatest\nwarriors are the ones who stand for peace.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSupport your local police force -- steal!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nSupport your right to arm bears!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nSupport your right to bare arms!\n\t\t-- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association\n"}, {"quote": "\nSurprise!  You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit!  Just type\nin your name and social security number.  Please remember that leaving\nthe room is punishable under law:\n\nName\n#\n"}, {"quote": "\nTake Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves.\n\t\t-- Motto of the Federal Civil Service\n"}, {"quote": "\nTake your Senator to lunch this week.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTANSTAAFL\n"}, {"quote": "\nTax reform means \"Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind\nthe tree.\"\n\t\t-- Russell Long\n"}, {"quote": "\nTaxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself\nout of the market.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTaxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTen persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.\n\t\t-- Napoleon I\n"}, {"quote": "\nThat government is best which governs least.\n\t\t-- Henry David Thoreau, \"Civil Disobedience\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThat's where the money was.\n\t\t-- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank\n\nIt's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.\n\t\t-- Willie Sutton\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.\n\t\t-- Bill Murray\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe assertion that \"all men are created equal\" was of no practical use\nin effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the\nDeclaration not for that, but for future use.\n\t\t--  Abraham Lincoln\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any\nreward.\n\t\t-- John Maynard Keynes\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe better the state is established, the fainter is humanity.\nTo make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task.\n\t\t-- Nietzsche\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better than what we've got!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe control of the production of wealth is the control of human life itself.\n\t\t-- Hilaire Belloc\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Crown is full of it!\n\t\t-- Nate Harris, 1775\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern.  Every class\nis unfit to govern.\n\t\t-- Lord Acton\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe degree of civilization in a society can be judged by entering its prisons.\n\t\t-- F. Dostoyevski\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in the grim\nhours between midnight and dawn.  Hangmen and politicians work best when\nthe human spirit is at its lowest ebb.\n\t\t-- Russell Baker\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known;\nnaturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man\nreally clever who has not found that he is stupid.\n\t\t-- Gilbert K. Chesterson\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.\n\t\t-- Buckminster Fuller\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe eyes of taxes are upon you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not\nutterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind,\na widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.\n\t\t-- Bertrand Russell, in \"Marriage and Morals\", 1929\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily\nendow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or\ncompassion.\n\t\t-- Saul Alinsky\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe famous politician was trying to save both his faces.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.\n\t\t-- Abbie Hoffman\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused\nreceived a fair trial, not a system to insure an acquittal on technicalities.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the\npeople from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people\ndrudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.\n\t\t-- Gore Vidal\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe government has just completed work on a missile that turned out to be a\nbit of a boondoggle; nicknamed \"Civil Servant\", it won't work and they can't\nfire it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II.\nSimilar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people\nand leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe graveyards are full of indispensable men.\n\t\t-- Charles de Gaulle\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men\nof zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.\n\t\t-- Justice Louis D. Brandeis\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers is to refuse to\nmove an inch from where they stood.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.\n\t\t-- Albert Einstein\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty\ndeed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the\nauthor's name on the title page.\n\t\t-- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality\nof functions performed by private citizens.\n\t\t-- Alexis de Tocqueville\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf\nhas.  Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know\nwhen it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.\n\t\t-- Will Rogers\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings;\nthe inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.\n\t\t-- Churchill\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the law free.\n\t\t-- Henry David Thoreau\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.\n\t\t-- Kin Hubbard\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as\nwe could with both of them.\"\n\t\t-- Joseph Heller, \"Catch-22\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time.  The\nterror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency.\n\t\t-- Albert Einstein\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd.  The\nman who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been.\n\t\t-- Alan Ashley-Pitt\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe man with the best job in the country is the Vice President.  All he has\nto do is get up every morning and say, \"How's the President?\"\n\t\t-- Will Rogers\n\nThe vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit.\n\t\t-- Vice President John Nance Garner\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause,\nwhile the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.\n\t\t-- Wilhelm Stekel\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Moral Majority is neither.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe more control, the more that requires control.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.  I\nhope I don't get run over again.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the \"state legislator\".\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.\n\t\t-- David Gerrold\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe poetry of heroism appeals irresitably to those who don't go to a war,\nand even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy.\"\n\t\t-- Celine\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment.\nTo ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog.\n\t\t-- Buckminster Fuller\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe price of greatness is responsibility.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday\nthey might force their beliefs on us.\n\t\t-- Mario Cuomo\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe primary theme of SoupCon is communication.  The acronym \"LEO\"\nrepresents the secondary theme:\n\n\tLaw Enforcement Officials\n\nThe overall theme of SoupCon shall be:\n\n\tAvoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials\n\t\t-- M. Gallaher\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that\nfor a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good\nrequires intent.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe problem with this country is that there is no death penalty for\nincompetence.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe public demands certainties;  it must be told definitely and a bit\nraucously that this is true and that is false.  But there are no certainties.\n\t\t-- H.L. Mencken, \"Prejudice\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe public is an old woman.  Let her maunder and mumble.\n\t\t-- Thomas Carlyle\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but\nbecause it gave pleasure to the spectators.\n\t\t-- Thomas Macaulay, \"History of England\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe question is, why are politicians so eager to be president?  What is it\nabout the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, that\nyou have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of industrial waste?\n\t\t-- Dave Barry, \"On Presidential Politics\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe revolution will not be televised.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests\nand to his imagination for his facts.\"\n\t\t-- Sheridan\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today.\n\t\t-- Lewis Carroll\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe scum also rises.\n\t\t-- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe so-called lessons of history are for the most part the rationalizations\nof the victors.  History is written by the survivors.\n\t\t-- Max Lerner\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe time for action is past!  Now is the time for senseless bickering.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians\nwho believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool\nall of the people all of the time.\n\t\t-- Franklin Adams\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs.\n\t\t-- G.B. Shaw\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic.  It showed that\ntwo could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated\nby Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.\n\t\t-- I.F. Stone\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe universe is ruled by letting things take their course.  It cannot be\nruled by interfering.\n\t\t-- Chinese proverb\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.  Instead of\naltering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their\nviews ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the\nfacts that needs altering.\n\t\t-- Doctor Who, \"Face of Evil\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes,\nit's just a tired feeling:\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and\nincompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.\n\t\t-- Emo Philips\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe world's great men have not commonly been great scholars, nor its great\nscholars great men.\n\t\t-- Oliver Wendell Holmes\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere appears to be irrefutable evidence that the mere fact of overcrowding\ninduces violence.\n\t\t-- Harvey Wheeler\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.\n\t\t-- Winston Churchill\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are no manifestos like cannon and musketry.\n\t\t-- The Duke of Wellington\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and\ntaxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days.\n\t\t-- shades\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are two kinds of fool. One says, \"This is old, and therefore good.\"\nAnd one says, \"This is new, and therefore better\"\n\t\t-- John Brunner, \"The Shockwave Rider\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere but for the grace of God, goes God.\n\t\t-- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship.\n\t\t-- Ralph Nader\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full.\n\t\t-- Henry Kissinger\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an opinion.\n\t\t-- Anatole France\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.\n\t\t-- Arthur C. Clarke\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is Jackson standing like a stone wall.  Let us determine to die,\nand we will conquer.  Follow me.\n\t\t-- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA)\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party\nis not capable; for in politics there is no honour.\n\t\t-- Benjamin Disraeli, \"Vivian Grey\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is no education that is not political.  An apolitical\neducation is also political because it is purposely isolating.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.\n\t\t-- G.B. Shaw\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is no security on this earth.  There is only opportunity.\n\t\t-- General Douglas MacArthur\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and\nfamily.  But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too,\nthe way his government is living.  What the government has got to do is\nlive as cheap as the people.\n\t\t-- The Best of Will Rogers\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is one difference between a tax collector and a taxidermist --\nthe taxidermist leaves the hide.\n\t\t-- Mortimer Caplan\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is only one way to kill capitalism -- by taxes, taxes, and more taxes.\n\t\t-- Karl Marx\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which\nit would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated.\n\t\t-- James Boswell\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere never was a good war or a bad peace.\n\t\t-- B. Franklin\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government\nworking for you.\n\t\t-- Will Rogers\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead\narmadillos.\n\t\t-- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner\n"}, {"quote": "\nThey call them \"squares\" because it's the most complicated shape they can\ndeal with.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"They make a desert and call it peace.\"\n\t\t-- Tacitus (55?-120?)\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary\nsafety deserve neither liberty nor safety.\"\n\t\t-- Benjamin Franklin, 1759\n"}, {"quote": "\nThey use different words for things in America.\nFor instance they say elevator and we say lift.\nThey say drapes and we say curtains.\nThey say president and we say brain damaged git.\n\t\t-- Alexie Sayle\n"}, {"quote": "\nThey will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly.\n\t\t-- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThey're giving bank robbing a bad name.\n\t\t-- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde\n"}, {"quote": "\nThieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become\ntheir property that they may more perfectly respect it.\n\t\t-- G.K. Chesterton, \"The Man Who Was Thursday\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis is a country where people are free to practice their religion,\nregardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys...\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics.\"\n\t\t-- French Proverb\n"}, {"quote": "\nThose who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty\nOften have a share in their misfortunes.\n\t\t-- Bertolt Brecht, \"The Caucasian Chalk Circle\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThose who have some means think that the most important thing in the\nworld is love.  The poor know that it is money.\n\t\t-- Gerald Brenan\n"}, {"quote": "\nThose who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are\nmen who want rain without thunder and lightning.  They want the ocean\nwithout the roar of its many waters.\n\t\t-- Frederick Douglass\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North\nStar.  As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it.\n\t\t-- Confucius\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo make tax forms true they should read \"Income Owed Us\" and \"Incommode You\".\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo say you got a vote of confidence would be to say you needed a vote of\nconfidence.\n\t\t-- Andrew Young\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo think contrary to one's era is heroism.  But to speak against it is madness.\n\t\t-- Eugene Ionesco\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo use violence is to already be defeated.\n\t\t-- Chinese proverb\n"}, {"quote": "\nToday is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.\n"}, {"quote": "\nToo often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available\nbriefcases.\n\t\t-- Governor Jerry Brown\n"}, {"quote": "\nTravel important today;  Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTreaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last.\n\t\t-- Charles DeGaulle\n"}, {"quote": "\nTrue leadership is the art of changing a group from what it is to what\nit ought to be.\n\t\t-- Virginia Allan\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex.\"\n\n(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)\n\t\t-- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)\n"}, {"quote": "\nUnder a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a\njust man is also a prison.\n\t\t-- Henry David Thoreau\n"}, {"quote": "\nUnder any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some\nordinance under which you can be booked.\n\t\t-- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp.\n"}, {"quote": "\nUnder capitalism, man exploits man.  Under communism, it's just the opposite.\n\t\t-- J.K. Galbraith\n"}, {"quote": "\nUnder every stone lurks a politician.\n\t\t-- Aristophanes\n"}, {"quote": "\nUnknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime\nbetween 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20.  The flag is described as red, white\nand blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40.\n\t\t-- Windsor-Heights Herald \"Police Blotter\", Jan 28, 1987\n"}, {"quote": "\nUnquestionably, there is progress.  The average American now pays out\ntwice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.\n\t\t-- H. L. Mencken\n"}, {"quote": "\nUsually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war.\n\t\t-- Mel Brooks, \"The Listener\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nVeni, vidi, vici.\n\t[I came, I saw, I conquered].\n\t\t-- Gaius Julius Caesar\n"}, {"quote": "\nVery few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen\nat all.  The conscientious historian will correct these defects.\n\t\t-- Herodotus\n"}, {"quote": "\nVictory uber allies!\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Violence accomplishes nothing.\"  What a contemptible lie!  Raw, naked\nviolence has settled more issues throughout history than any other method\never employed.  Perhaps the city fathers of Carthage could debate the\nissue, with Hitler and Alexander as judges?\n"}, {"quote": "\nViolence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade.\n"}, {"quote": "\nViolence is molding.\n"}, {"quote": "\nViolence is the last refuge of the incompetent.\n\t\t-- Salvor Hardin\n"}, {"quote": "\nVote anarchist.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWar doesn't prove who's right, just who's left.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWar hath no fury like a non-combatant.\n\t\t-- Charles Edward Montague\n"}, {"quote": "\nWar is an equal opportunity destroyer.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWar is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.\n\t\t-- Desiderius Erasmus\n"}, {"quote": "\nWar is like love, it always finds a way.\n\t\t-- Bertolt Brecht, \"Mother Courage\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWar is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.\n\t\t-- Clemenceau\n"}, {"quote": "\nWar is peace.  Freedom is slavery.  Ketchup is a vegetable.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWar spares not the brave, but the cowardly.\n\t\t-- Anacreon\n"}, {"quote": "\n[Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for the people -- the big,\nthe bland and the banal.\n\t\t-- Ada Louise Huxtable\n"}, {"quote": "\nWashington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe all declare for liberty, but in using the same word we do not all mean\nthe same thing.\n\t\t-- A. Lincoln\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe are all worms.  But I do believe I am a glowworm.\n\t\t-- Winston Churchill\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.\n\t\t-- Calvin Coolidge\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from\nour children.\n"}, {"quote": "\n... we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not\nwe should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up\nin it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of\nthe past.\n\t\t-- Joseph Wood Krutch\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe should be glad we're living in the time that we are.  If any of us had been\nborn into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken\nout and shot.\n\t\t-- Strange de Jim\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were\ntaken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things\nthemselves.\n\t\t-- John Locke\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe should have a Vollyballocracy.  We elect a six-pack of presidents.\nEach one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate.\n\t\t-- Dennis Miller\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible.\nWe've done so much, for so long, with so little,\nthat we are now qualified to do something with nothing.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe totally deny the allegations, and we're trying to identify the allegators.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem.\nThere's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your\nborders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.\n\t\t-- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel\na strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.\n\t\t-- Dave Barry\n"}, {"quote": "\nWell, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government,\nto see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.\n\t\t-- Laurie Anderson\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat a strange game.  The only winning move is not to play.\n\t\t-- WOP, \"War Games\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so that we\nwouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our country. Nice try\nanyway, George.\"\n\t\t-- D.J. on KSFO/KYA\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank?\n\t\t-- Bertold Brecht\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat is the sound of one hand clapping?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat orators lack in depth they make up in length.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat we need is either less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat's a cult?  It just means not enough people to make a minority.\n\t\t-- Robert Altman\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen a man assumes a public trust, he should consider himself as public\nproperty.\n\t\t-- Thomas Jefferson\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not\nfar away.  It is time to go elsewhere.  The best thing about space travel\nis that it made it possible to go elsewhere.\n\t\t-- R.A. Heinlein, \"Time Enough For Love\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see\nthe sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes.  The dog has certain\nrelationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.\n\t\t-- Robert Pirsig, \"Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before\nthe white men came, an Indian said simply \"Ours.\"\n\t\t-- Vine Deloria, Jr.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced\nto death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.\n\t\t-- Brendan Behan\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity\nfor him.  All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough.\n\t\t-- H.L. Mencken, \"Minority Report\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President.  Now\nI'm beginning to believe it.\n\t\t-- Clarence Darrow\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen neither their poverty nor their honor is touched, the majority of men\nlive content.\n\t\t-- Niccolo Machiavelli\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen smashing monuments, save the pedstals -- they always come in handy.\n\t\t-- Stanislaw J. Lem, \"Unkempt Thoughts\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen some people decide it's time for everyone to make big changes,\nit means that they want you to change first.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you modify\nthe problem, not the remedy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen the revolution comes, count your change.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is\nnot hereditary.\n\t\t-- Thomas Paine\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve\npeople who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.\n\t\t-- Norm Crosby\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.\n\t\t-- Harry Truman\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.\n\t\t-- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you live in a sick society, just about everything you do is wrong.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that\nyou have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.\n\t\t-- Otto Von Bismarck\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you're in command, command.\n\t\t-- Admiral Nimitz\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to\nsee it tried on him personally.\n\t\t-- Abraham Lincoln\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhere the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask \"Why?\".\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhere you stand depends on where you sit.\n\t\t-- Rufus Miles, HEW\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we have?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tWill Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in\nvain to claim a rebate.  His numerous letters and queries remained\nunanswered.  Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived.  In\nthe section marked \"DEDUCTIONS,\" Rogers listed: \"Bad debt, US Government\n-- $40,000.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t... with liberty and justice for all ... who can afford it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWith reasonable men I will reason;\nwith humane men I will plead;\nbut to tyrants I will give no quarter.\n\t\t-- William Lloyd Garrison\n"}, {"quote": "\nWorkers of the world, arise!  You have nothing to lose but your chairs.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWorld War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced dress code!\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"Wrong,\" said Renner.\n\t\"The tactful way,\" Rod said quietly, \"the polite way to disagree with\nthe Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can have peace.  Or you can have freedom. Don't ever count on having\nboth at once.\n\t\t-- Lazarus Long\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice,\nbad breeding, and a vulgar manner.\n\t\t-- Aristophanes\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou roll my log, and I will roll yours.\n\t\t-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for\nfreedom and liberty.\n\t\t-- Henrik Ibsen\n"}, {"quote": "\nFORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13\nA:\tDoc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy\nQ:\tWho were the Democratic presidential candidates?\n"}, {"quote": "\nFORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15\nA:\tThe Royal Canadian Mounted Police.\nQ:\tWhat was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?\n"}, {"quote": "\nFORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19\nA:\tTo be or not to be.\nQ:\tWhat is the square root of 4b^2?\n"}, {"quote": "\nFORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21\nA:\tDr. Livingston I. Presume.\nQ:\tWhat's Dr. Presume's full name?\n"}, {"quote": "\nFORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31\nA:\tChicken Teriyaki.\nQ:\tWhat is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?\n"}, {"quote": "\nFORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4\nA:\tGo west, young man, go west!\nQ:\tWhat do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?\n"}, {"quote": "\nFORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5\nA:\tThe Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli.\nQ:\tName two families whose kids won't join the Marines.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKnock, knock!\n\tWho's there?\nSam and Janet.\n\tSam and Janet who?\nSam and Janet Evening...\n"}, {"quote": "\nKnucklehead:\t\"Knock, knock\"\nPee Wee:\t\"Who's there?\"\nKnucklehead:\t\"Little ol' lady.\"\nPee Wee:\t\"Liddle ol' lady who?\"\nKnucklehead:\t\"I didn't know you could yodel\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\t\"What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic\n\texistentialist?\"\nA:\t\"Is there a dog?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tAre we not men?\nA:\tWe are Vaxen.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tDo you know what the death rate around here is?\nA:\tOne per person.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tHeard about the <ethnic> who couldn't spell?\nA:\tHe spent the night in a warehouse.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tHow can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?\nA:\tWhen his lips move.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tHow did you get into artificial intelligence?\nA:\tSeemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tHow do you catch a unique rabbit?\nA:\tUnique up on it!\n\nQ:\tHow do you catch a tame rabbit?\nA:\tThe tame way!\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tHow do you keep a moron in suspense?\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tHow do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont?\nA:\tThe maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tHow do you play religious roulette?\nA:\tYou stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets\n\tstruck by lightning first.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tHow do you save a drowning lawyer?\nA:\tThrow him a rock.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tHow do you shoot a blue elephant?\nA:\tWith a blue-elephant gun.\n\nQ:\tHow do you shoot a pink elephant?\nA:\tTwist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with\n\ta blue-elephant gun.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tHow do you stop an elephant from charging?\nA:\tTake away his credit cards.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tHow does a hacker fix a function which\n\tdoesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?\nA:\tHe changes the domain.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tHow does the Polish Constitution differ from the American?\nA:\tUnder the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of\n\tspeech, but under the United States constitution they are\n\tguaranteed freedom after speech.\n\t\t-- being told in Poland, 1987\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tHow many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?\nA:\tThat's proprietary information.  Answer available from AT&T on payment\n\tof license fee (binary only).\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tHow many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA:\tTwo.  One to assure everyone that everything possible is being\n\tdone while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tHow many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\nA:\tOnly one, but he gets three credits for it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tHow many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\nA:\tJust one.  He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tHow many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job?\nA:\tFour, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tHow many IBM CPU's does it take to do a logical right shift?\nA:\t33.  1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tHow many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?\nA:\tFifteen.  One to do it, and fourteen to write document number\n\tGC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,\n\tof which 10"}, {"quote": " of the pages state only \"This page intentionally\n\tleft blank\", and 20"}, {"quote": " of the definitions are of the form \"A:.....\n\tconsists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks\".\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tHow many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?\nA:\tOne.  Only it's his light bulb when he's done.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tHow many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?\nA:\tYou won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb.  Now, if\n\tyou're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tHow many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb?\nA:\tI'll have to get back to you on that.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tHow many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\nA:\tOne and a half.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tHow many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\nA:\tNone:  The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tHow many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\nA:\tOne.  He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem\n\tto the earlier joke.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tHow many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA:\tThree.  One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those\n\tCalifornians trying to share the experience.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tHow many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?\nA:\tOnly one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has\n\tto really want to change.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tHow many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?\nA:\tNone.  The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tHow many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?\nA:\tTwo, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub\n\twith brightly colored machine tools.\n\n\t[Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur.  Ed.]\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tHow many WASPs does it take to change a lightbulb?\nA:\tOne.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tHow many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA:\tNone.  The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out\n\tof the way.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tHow much does it cost to ride the Unibus?\nA:\t2 bits.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tHow was Thomas J. Watson buried?\nA:\t9 edge down.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tKnow what the difference between your latest project\n\tand putting wings on an elephant is?\nA:\tWho knows?  The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tMinnesotans ask, \"Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?\"\nA:\tEasy.  It's because they can't figure out how to get the little\n\tbottles into the typewriter.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?\nA:\t\"The elephants are coming over the hill.\"\n\nQ:\tWhat did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing\n\t\tsunglasses?\nA:\tNothing, for he didn't recognize them.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?\nA:\tStay awake and wonder if there's a dog.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?\nA:\tThe very best person they can possibly be.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat do monsters eat?\nA:\tThings.\n\nQ:\tWhat do monsters drink?\nA:\tCoke.  (Because Things go better with Coke.)\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat do they call the alphabet in Arkansas?\nA:\tThe impossible dream.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?\nA:\tThe same middle name.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat do you call 15 blondes in a circle?\nA:\tA dope ring.\n\nQ:\tWhy do blondes put their hair in ponytails?\nA:\tTo cover up the valve stem.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat do you call a blind pre-historic animal?\nA:\tDiyathinkhesaurus.\n\nQ:\tWhat do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?\nA:\tDiyathinkhesaurus Rex.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadraplegic Virginian?\nA:\tTrustworthy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?\nA:\tA stick.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?\nA:\tSix sick Sikhs (sic).\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C\n\tis lower than those of other principal female opera singers?\nA:\tA deep C diva.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a\n\tlawyer, and believes in social causes?\nA:\tA failure.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat do you call the money you pay to the government when\n\tyou ride into the country on the back of an elephant?\nA:\tA howdah duty.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat do you call the scratches that you get when a female\n\tsheep bites you?\nA:\tEwe nicks.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?\nA:\tYou get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?\nA:\tAn offer you can't understand.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?\nA:\tNot enough sand.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat do you say to a New Yorker with a job?\nA:\tBig Mac, fries and a Coke, please!\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat do you say to a Puerto Rican in a three-piece suit?\nA:\tWill the defendant please rise?\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat does a WASP Mom make for dinner?\nA:\tA crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by\n\ta delicious dessert.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean?\nA:\tIt means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the\n\tRussians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukranians take\n\tthe Uzbeks by the hand; and they all go and beat up the Jews.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?\nA:\tOpen other end.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room?\nA:\tA dinner party.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat is green and lives in the ocean?\nA:\tMoby Pickle.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat is orange and goes \"click, click?\"\nA:\tA ball point carrot.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?\nA:\tOpen other end.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat is purple and commutes?\nA:\tA boolean grape.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat is purple and commutes?\nA:\tAn Abelian grape.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat is purple and concord the world?\nA:\tAlexander the Grape.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat is the difference between a duck?\nA:\tOne leg is both the same.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat is the difference between Texas and yogurt?\nA:\tYogurt has culture.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat is the sound of one cat napping?\nA:\tMu.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?\nA:\tA nervous wreck.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and\n\tplays like a monkey?\nA:\tNothing.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat's a light-year?\nA:\tOne-third less calories than a regular year.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat's a WASP's idea of open-mindedness?\nA:\tDating a Canadian.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat's buried in Grant's tomb?\nA:\tA corpse.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out?\nA:\tChewing gum.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?\nA:\tA doberman.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat's the difference betweeen USL and the Graf Zeppelin?\nA:\tThe Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead\n\tlawyer in the road?\nA:\tThere are skid marks in front of the dog.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat's the difference between a duck and an elephant?\nA:\tYou can't get down off an elephant.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat's the difference between a JAP and a baby elephant?\nA:\tAbout 10 pounds.\n\nQ:\tHow do you make them the same?\nA:\tForce feed the elephant.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?\nA:\tYou don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?\nA:\tOne less drunk.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?\nA:\tThe Boy Scouts have adult supervision.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's?\nA:\tIn the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, \"I'd\n\tlike some condoms,\" and then, leaning over the counter, whispers,\n\t\"and some cigarettes.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat's the difference between USL and the Titanic?\nA:\tThe Titanic had a band.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?\nA:\tA canary with the super-user password.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhat's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?\nA:\tZorn's Lemon.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhere's the Lone Ranger take his garbage?\nA:\tTo the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!\n\nQ:\tWhat's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill?\nA:\tDead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWho cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?\nA:\tLawn Boy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhy did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon?\nA:\tTo impress Jodie Foster.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhy did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?\nA:\tBecause he was hungry.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhy did the chicken cross the road?\nA:\tHe was giving it last rites.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhy did the chicken cross the road?\nA:\tTo see his friend Gregory peck.\n\nQ:\tWhy did the chicken cross the playground?\nA:\tTo get to the other slide.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhy did the germ cross the microscope?\nA:\tTo get to the other slide.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhy did the lone ranger kill Tonto?\nA:\tHe found out what \"kimosabe\" really means.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhy did the programmer call his mother long distance?\nA:\tBecause that was her name.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhy did the tachyon cross the road?\nA:\tBecause it was on the other side.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhy did the WASP cross the road?\nA:\tTo get to the middle.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhy do ducks have big flat feet?\nA:\tTo stamp out forest fires.\n\nQ:\tWhy do elephants have big flat feet?\nA:\tTo stamp out flaming ducks.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhy do firemen wear red suspenders?\nA:\tTo conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhy do mountain climbers rope themselves together?\nA:\tTo prevent the sensible ones from going home.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhy do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?\nA:\tBecause every morning they wake up thinking \"What *is* that noise?\n\tOh, right, *of course*!\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhy do the police always travel in threes?\nA:\tOne to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps\n\tan eye on the two intellectuals.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhy do WASPs play golf ?\nA:\tSo they can dress like pimps.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhy does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and\n\tNew Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?\nA:\tGod gave New Jersey first choice.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhy don't lawyers go to the beach?\nA:\tThe cats keep trying to bury them.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhy don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?\nA:\tWell, they like it with two lumps of sugar.  If they drink\n\tit at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while\n\tvisiting, they always take three.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhy haven't you graduated yet?\nA:\tWell, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted\n\tmy dissertation to rhyme.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhy is Christmas just like a day at the office?\nA:\tYou do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit\n\tgets all the credit.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhy is it that Mexico isn't sending anyone to the '84 summer games?\nA:\tAnyone in Mexico who can run, swim or jump is already in LA.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhy is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation\n\tfunction, the more expensive it becomes to compute?\nA:\tThat's the Law of Spline Demand.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhy is Poland just like the United States?\nA:\tIn the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in\n\tPoland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever\n\tyou want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.\n\t\t-- being told in Poland, 1987\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhy should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man\n\tsoup in a plate?\nA:\t'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQ:\tWhy was Stonehenge abandoned?\nA:\tIt wasn't IBM compatible.\n"}, {"quote": "\n1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1.\n"}, {"quote": "\n(1)\tA sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.\n(2)\tAn inclined plane is a slope up.\n(3)\tA slow pup is a lazy dog.\n\nQED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog.\n\t\t-- Willard Espy, \"An Almanac of Words at Play\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n(1) Alexander the Great was a great general.\n(2) Great generals are forewarned.\n(3) Forewarned is forearmed.\n(4) Four is an even number.\n(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.\n(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.\n\tTherefore, all horses are black.\n"}, {"quote": "\n(1) Never draw what you can copy.\n(2) Never copy what you can trace.\n(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.\n"}, {"quote": "\n1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's\nthe law!\n"}, {"quote": "\n10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.\n"}, {"quote": "\n13. ...  r-q1\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation!\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nA conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing\nbut together can decide that nothing can be done.\n\t\t-- Fred Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nA fail-safe circuit will destroy others.\n\t\t-- Klipstein\n"}, {"quote": "\nA failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch\ndimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension.\"\n\t\t-- Mandelbrot, \"The Fractal Geometry of Nature\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"A horrible little boy came up to me and said, `You know in your book\nThe Martian Chronicles?'  I said, `Yes?'  He said, `You know where you\ntalk about Deimos rising in the East?'  I said, `Yes?'  He said `No.'\n-- So I hit him.\"\n\t\t-- attributed to Ray Bradbury\n"}, {"quote": "\nA mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.\n\t\t-- P. Erdos\n"}, {"quote": "\nA method of solution is perfect if we can forsee from the start,\nand even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim.\n\t\t-- Leibnitz\n"}, {"quote": "\nA pain in the ass of major dimensions.\n\t\t-- C.A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits\n"}, {"quote": "\nA physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.\n\t\t-- George Wald\n"}, {"quote": "\nA scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and\nmaking them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually\ndie and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.\n\t\t-- Max Planck\n"}, {"quote": "\nA sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard.\n\t\t-- Prof. Steiner\n"}, {"quote": "\nA social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North\nAfrican tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking.\nLocally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high\nprobability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that\nthe probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low.\nNow, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by\nblowing first.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAccording to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold,\nand according to convention, there is an order.  In truth, there are atoms\nand a void.\n\t\t-- Democritus, 400 B.C.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAccording to the latest official figures, 43"}, {"quote": " of all statistics are\ntotally worthless.\n"}, {"quote": "\nActually, the probability is 100"}, {"quote": "\nAfter a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAfter an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found\non the bench.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAfter the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access\ncover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAfter years of research, scientists recently reported that there is,\nindeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tAgainst his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled.  Ever\nsince, he's been talking about the good old dais.  His students planted a small\norchard in his honor; the trees all have square roots.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAir is water with holes in it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAir pollution is really making us pay through the nose.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting\nfor a dial tone.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlgebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.\n\t\t-- Philippe Schnoebelen\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing\nwithout thinking.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll great discoveries are made by mistake.\n\t\t-- Young\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll laws are simulations of reality.\n\t\t-- John C. Lilly\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities.\n\t\t-- Dawkins\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll power corrupts, but we need electricity.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll science is either physics or stamp collecting.\n\t\t-- Ernest Rutherford\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll seems condemned in the long run to approximate a state akin to\nGaussian noise.\n\t\t-- James Martin\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll the evidence concerning the universe has not yet been collected,\nso there's still hope.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll theoretical chemistry is really physics; and all theoretical chemists \nknow it.\n\t\t-- Richard P. Feynman\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlthough the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlways draw your curves, then plot your reading.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlways leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlways think of something new; this helps you forget your last rotten idea.\n\t\t-- Seth Frankel\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlways try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because\npeople refuse to see it.\n\t\t-- James Michener, \"Space\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New\nGuinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not\nnew Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.\n\t\t-- David Letterman\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you\nreally care to know.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn economist is a man who would marry Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet, in mid-air, on both\nsides of an issue.\n\t\t-- Homer Ferguson\n"}, {"quote": "\nAny circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts\nwhich are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAny sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAny sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.\n\t\t-- Arthur C. Clarke\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.  At best he\nis a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not\nmake messes in the house.\n\t\t-- Lazarus Long, \"Time Enough for Love\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time\nas the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes.\n\t\t-- Philippus Paracelsus\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator.\"\n\t\t-- Claude Shouse\n\n\"Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist.\"\n\t\t-- Joseph C. Wang\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnything cut to length will be too short.\n"}, {"quote": "\nArithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.\n\t\t-- Mickey Mouse\n"}, {"quote": "\nArtificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as\nartificial flowers have to flowers.\n\t\t-- David Parnas\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty,\nand I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a\nscientist.  This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.\"\n\t\t-- Matt Cartmill\n"}, {"quote": "\nAs far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not\ncertain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.\n\t\t-- Albert Einstein\n"}, {"quote": "\nAs you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one.\n\t\t-- Dave \"First Strike\" Pare\n"}, {"quote": "\nAsk five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if\none went to Harvard).\n\t\t-- Edgar R. Fiedler\n"}, {"quote": "\nAt any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is\nnot.  But obviously it cannot be where it is not.  And if it is where\nit is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest.\n\t\t-- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow\n"}, {"quote": "\nBase 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.\n\t\t-- Tom Lehrer\n"}, {"quote": "\nBefore Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBetween infinite and short there is a big difference.\n\t\t-- G.H. Gonnet\n"}, {"quote": "\nBiology grows on you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBiology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing\nas division.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBut it does move!\n\t\t-- Galileo Galilei\n"}, {"quote": "\nBut you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical\nreasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than\nthose who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature.\n\t\t-- Leonardo Da Vinci, \"The Codex on the Flight of Birds\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nCelestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the center\nof the universe.  The premise is wrong, but the navigation works.  An\nincorrect model can be a useful tool.\n\t\t-- Kelvin Throop III\n"}, {"quote": "\nChemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work.\n"}, {"quote": "\nChemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks.\n"}, {"quote": "\nChemistry is applied theology.\n\t\t-- Augustus Stanley Owsley III\n"}, {"quote": "\nChemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion...\"\n\t\t-- Professor in the UCB physics department\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Contrariwise,\" continued Tweedledee, \"if it was so, it might be, and\nif it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't.  That's logic!\"\n\t\t-- Lewis Carroll, \"Through the Looking Glass\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nDid you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship\nthe number zero?\n\nIs nothing sacred?\n"}, {"quote": "\nDid you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have\nonly recaptured 116 of them?\n"}, {"quote": "\nDid you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined\nthem up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?\n"}, {"quote": "\nDimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible\nonly through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors.  Velocity,\nfor example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDinosaurs aren't extinct.  They've just learned to hide in the trees.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo molecular biologists wear designer genes?\n"}, {"quote": "\nDuct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, and a dark side, and\nit holds the universe together ...\n\t\t-- Carl Zwanzig\n"}, {"quote": "\nE = MC ** 2 +- 3db\n"}, {"quote": "\nEconomics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.\n\t\t-- John Kenneth Galbraith\n"}, {"quote": "\nEconomists can certainly disappoint you.  One said that the economy would\nturn up by the last quarter.  Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.\n\t\t-- Robert Orben\n"}, {"quote": "\nEconomists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a\npercentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.\n\t\t-- Edgar R. Fiedler\n"}, {"quote": "\nElegance and truth are inversely related.\n\t\t-- Becker's Razor\n"}, {"quote": "\nElliptic paraboloids for sale.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEntropy isn't what it used to be.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEntropy requires no maintenance.\n\t\t-- Markoff Chaney\n"}, {"quote": "\nEnzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which\notherwise require harder thinking.\n\t\t-- Jerome Lettvin\n"}, {"quote": "\nEureka!\n\t\t-- Archimedes\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvery little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.\n\t\t-- Don Vonada\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvery nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.\n\nIt makes sense, when you don't think about it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvery paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by\nthe author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he\nsees in it.  I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted.\n\t\t-- Morris Kline\n"}, {"quote": "\nEverything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.\n\t\t-- Albert Einstein\n"}, {"quote": "\nEverything that can be invented has been invented.\n\t\t-- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899\n"}, {"quote": "\nExperience varies directly with equipment ruined.\n"}, {"quote": "\nExperiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFactorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFacts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFederal grants are offered for... research into the recreation\npotential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally disadvantaged.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFive is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.\n\t\t-- Robert Firth\n\n\"One, two, five.\"\n\t\t-- Monty Python and the Holy Grail\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.\n\t\t-- H. L. Mencken\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think!\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL:\t\t#44\n\tZebras are colored with dark stripes on a light background.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFriction is a drag.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFundamentally, there may be no basis for anything.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGenetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why\nyou should.\n"}, {"quote": "\n(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained,\n\"Only one man ever understood me.\"  He fell silent for a while and then added,\n\"And he didn't understand me.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nGod doesn't play dice.\n\t\t-- Albert Einstein\n"}, {"quote": "\nGod made the integers; all else is the work of Man.\n\t\t-- Kronecker\n"}, {"quote": "\nGod may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean.\n\t\t-- Albert Einstein\n"}, {"quote": "\nGod runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,\nand the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.\n\t\t-- William Bragg\n"}, {"quote": "\nGoing the speed of light is bad for your age.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGood morning.  This is the telephone company.  Due to repairs, we're\ngiving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely\nat ten o'clock.  That's two minutes from now.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGosh that takes me back... or is it forward?  That's the trouble with\ntime travel, you never can tell.\"\n\t\t-- Doctor Who, \"Androids of Tara\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nGot Mole problems?  Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGravity brings me down.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7):  April 2, 1751\n\nIssac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGreat spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.\n\t\t-- Albert Einstein\n\nThey laughed at Einstein.  They laughed at the Wright Brothers.  But they\nalso laughed at Bozo the Clown.\n\t\t-- Carl Sagan\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe:\tLet's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.\nShe:\tWhat?!?  Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.\n\t\t-- Walt Kelly\n"}, {"quote": "\nHeard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several Guernsey cows?\nIt's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHeavier than air flying machines are impossible.\n\t\t-- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895\n"}, {"quote": "\nHeisenberg may have been here.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHeisenberg may have slept here...\n"}, {"quote": "\nHelp fight continental drift.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHouston, Tranquillity Base here.  The Eagle has landed.\n\t\t-- Neil Armstrong\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow can you do 'New Math' problems with an 'Old Math' mind?\n\t\t-- Charles Schulz\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow many weeks are there in a light year?\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow often I found where I should be going only by setting out for somewhere\nelse.\n\t\t-- R. Buckminster Fuller\n"}, {"quote": "\nHuman beings were created by water to transport it uphill.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI am not an Economist.  I am an honest man!\n\t\t-- Paul McCracken\n"}, {"quote": "\nI cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos.\n\t\t-- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I don't think so,\" said Ren'\be Descartes.  Just then, he vanished.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything, but I can't prove it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning.\n\t\t-- Plato\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when\nyou looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.\n\t\t-- Poul Anderson\n"}, {"quote": "\nI put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth.\n\t\t-- Neil Armstrong\n"}, {"quote": "\nI tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it is only there that\nthey might escape the lusts of the flesh.\n\t\t-- Thomas Mann, \"The Magic Mountain\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I think it is true for all _\bn.  I was just playing it safe with _\bn >= 3\nbecause I couldn't remember the proof.\"\n\t\t-- Baker, Pure Math 351a\n"}, {"quote": "\nI THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct.\n\t\t-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the \"reindeer effect.\"\nI don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say,\n\"Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect.\"\n\t\t-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for\npaneling.\n\t\t-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI use technology in order to hate it more properly.\n\t\t-- Nam June Paik\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.\n\t\t-- Roy Santoro\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast is a\ncamel's behind.\n\t\t-- Edgar R. Fiedler\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf A equals success, then the formula is _\bA = _\bX + _\bY + _\bZ.  _\bX is work.  _\bY\nis play.  _\bZ is keep your mouth shut.\n\t\t-- Albert Einstein\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.\n\t\t-- John Kenneth Galbraith\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a\nconclusion.\n\t\t-- William Baumol\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf an experiment works, something has gone wrong.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.\n\t\t-- Albert Einstein\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think\nI'm an engineer working on something.\n\t\t-- S.R. McElroy\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the\nanswer can be obtained by simple inspection.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will answer, but if it is a Fact,\nproof is necessary.\n\t\t-- Samuel Clemens\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work\nit's physics.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by\nthe page number.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of\narithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical\nworld.  One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by\nthe use of the mathematics of probability.\n\t\t-- Vannevar Bush\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would\npresumably flunk it.\n\t\t-- Stanley Garn\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.\n\t\t-- Albert Einstein\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf the human brain were so simple that we could understand it,\nwe would be so simple we couldn't.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make\nsomething out of you.\n\t\t-- Muhammad Ali\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you analyse anything, you destroy it.\n\t\t-- Arthur Miller\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you are smart enough to know that you're not smart enough to be an\nEngineer, then you're in Business.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career\nin chartered accountancy beckons.\n\t\t-- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic\n\t\t   Systems course.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you push the \"extra ice\" button on the soft drink vending machine, you won't\nget any ice.  If you push the \"no ice\" button, you'll get ice, but no cup.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from\nmany it's research.\n\t\t-- Wilson Mizner\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.\n"}, {"quote": "\nImagination is more important than knowledge.\n\t\t-- Albert Einstein\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of stairs.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out\nbecoming pure energy.\n\t\t-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn Nature there are neither rewards nor punishments, there are consequences.\n\t\t-- R.G. Ingersoll\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the\nuniverse.\"\n\t\t-- Carl Sagan, Cosmos\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"In short, _\bN is Richardian if, and only if, _\bN is not Richardian.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn the beginning there was nothing.  And the Lord said \"Let There Be Light!\"\nAnd still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  In practice,\nthere is.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain.\n\t\t-- Pliny the Elder\n"}, {"quote": "\nInformation is the inverse of entropy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nInterchangeable parts won't.\n"}, {"quote": "\nInvest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac!\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Irrationality is the square root of all evil\"\n\t\t-- Douglas Hofstadter\n"}, {"quote": "\nIs knowledge knowable?  If not, how do we know that?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIsn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction\nlisten to weather forecasts and economists?\n\t\t-- Kelvin Throop III\n"}, {"quote": "\nIsn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune\ntellers take economists seriously?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is contrary to reasoning to say that there is a vacuum or space in\nwhich there is absolutely nothing.\n\t\t-- Descartes\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable,\nas one's hat keeps blowing off.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is not every question that deserves an answer.\n\t\t-- Publilius Syrus\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is not for me to attempt to fathom the inscrutable workings of Providence.\n\t\t-- The Earl of Birkenhead\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply\nthat cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be.\n\t\t-- Kleppner & Kolenhow, \"An Introduction to Mechanics\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to\nmathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and chemistry.\n\t\t-- H.L. Mencken\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five\nstraight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity.  But it takes\nMurphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong.\n\t\t-- Chris Torek\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level\nlanguage named \"research student\".\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"It's easier said than done.\"\n\n... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than\nsaid, and you'll see that \"it's easier said that `it's easier done than\nsaid' than it is done\", which really proves that \"it's easier said than\ndone\".\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's hard to think of you as the end result of millions of years of evolution.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's later than you think, the joint Russian-American space mission has\nalready begun.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.\n\t\t-- Phil White\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong.\n\t\t-- J.K. Galbraith\n"}, {"quote": "\nJust because they are called 'forbidden' transitions does not mean that they\nare forbidden.  They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see\nwhat I mean.\n\t\t-- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKleeneness is next to Godelness.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKlein bottle for rent -- inquire within.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLast yeer I kudn't spel Engineer.  Now I are won.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding\nenvironment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a\nround container filled with little red fruits on sticks.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is difficult because it is non-linear.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLogic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____\b\b\b\b\bawful*.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLogic is a pretty flower that smells bad.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLogic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLogic is the chastity belt of the mind!\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular\nmomentum.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMa Bell is a mean mother!\n"}, {"quote": "\nMachines have less problems.  I'd like to be a machine.\n\t\t-- Andy Warhol\n"}, {"quote": "\nMake it myself?  But I'm a physical organic chemist!\n"}, {"quote": "\nMake it right before you make it faster.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMan will never fly.  Space travel is merely a dream.  All aspirin is alike.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX!\n\tPlease, don't drink and derive.\n\n\tMathematicians\n\tAgainst\n\tDrunk\n\tDeriving\n"}, {"quote": "\nMath is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.\n\t\t-- R. Drabek\n"}, {"quote": "\nMathematicians are like Frenchmen:  whatever you say to them they translate\ninto their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different.\n\t\t-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe\n"}, {"quote": "\nMathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is\ndescribed as being n-dimensional.  Like modern sex, any number can play.\n\t\t-- Dr. Thor Wald, \"Beep/The Quincunx of Time\", by James Blish\n"}, {"quote": "\nMathematicians practice absolute freedom.\n\t\t-- Henry Adams\n"}, {"quote": "\nMathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts\nto each other without consideration of their relation to experience.\n\t\t-- Albert Einstein\n"}, {"quote": "\nMathematics is the only science where one never knows what \none is talking about nor whether what is said is true.\n\t\t-- Russell\n"}, {"quote": "\nMatter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a receipt.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMatter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMeasure twice, cut once.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMeasure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMediocrity finds safety in standardization.\n\t\t-- Frederick Crane\n"}, {"quote": "\nMen love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMen occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves\nup and hurry off as if nothing had happened.\n\t\t-- Winston Churchill\n"}, {"quote": "\nMore than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads.  One path\nleads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction.\nLet us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen, \"Side Effects\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nMurphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem.\n\t\t-- Thomas Pynchon, \"Gravity's Rainbow\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse, but always,\nalways, he was right.\n\t[That's an interesting angle.  I wonder if there are any parallels?]\n"}, {"quote": "\nMystics always hope that science will some day overtake them.\n\t\t-- Booth Tarkington\n"}, {"quote": "\nNatural laws have no pity.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNature abhors a hero.  For one thing, he violates the law of conservation\nof energy.  For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the\nfittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be\ncreamed?\n\t\t-- Solomon Short\n"}, {"quote": "\nNature always sides with the hidden flaw.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where,\nit cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.\n\t\t-- Fran Lebowitz\n"}, {"quote": "\nNature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.\n\t\t-- Francis Bacon\n"}, {"quote": "\nNeil Armstrong tripped.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNeutrinos are into physicists.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNeutrinos have bad breadth.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's supposed to do.\n\t\t-- R. A. Heinlein\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNonsense.  Space is blue and birds fly through it.\n\t\t-- Heisenberg\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing is faster than the speed of light ...\n\nTo prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the\nlight comes on.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature.\nShe shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep.\n\t\t-- Ralph Waldo Emerson\n"}, {"quote": "\nNuclear powered vacuuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years.\n\t\t-- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation,\n\t\t   manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York\n\t\t   Times, June 10, 1955.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNumeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred.\"\n\t\t-- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28,\n\t\t   1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view\n\t\t   of the grandstands.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOf course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon.  After a while you'd\nrun out of air to push against.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOften statistics are used as a drunken man uses lampposts -- for support\nrather than illumination.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOn a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:\n\n\"This isn't right.  This isn't even wrong.\"\n\t\t-- Wolfgang Pauli\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne Bell System - it sometimes works.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension!\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne Bell System - it works.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne can search the brain with a microscope and not find the\nmind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God.\n\t\t-- J. Gustav White\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast\nto the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists,\na goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also\njust stupid.\n\t\t-- J.D. Watson, \"The Double Helix\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines\nand end up with the atomic bomb.\n\t\t-- Marcel Pagnol\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne man's \"magic\" is another man's engineering.  \"Supernatural\" is a null word.\n\t\t-- Robert Heinlein\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne man's constant is another man's variable.\n\t\t-- A.J. Perlis\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an advisor...\nis to discourage... from expecting too much from mathematics.\n\t\t-- N. Wiener\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that\nsometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer\nterror.\n\t\t-- W.K. Hartmann\n"}, {"quote": "\nOnly God can make random selections.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOntogeny recapitulates phylogeny.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOptimization hinders evolution.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOrder and simplification are the first steps toward mastery of a subject\n-- the actual enemy is the unknown.\n\t\t-- Thomas Mann\n"}, {"quote": "\nOrganic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.  Biochemistry\nis the study of carbon compounds that crawl.\n\t\t-- Mike Adams\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it.\"\n\t\t-- Alex Schure\n"}, {"quote": ", the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it\ntakes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place.  The reason\nfor the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of\noxygen in 20"}, {"quote": " concentration.  It apparently contributes to a complex\nprocess called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is\nalways fatal.\n\nHowever, the main disadvantage of the 20"}, {"quote": "\nParallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.\n"}, {"quote": "\nParts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPhilogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional\nhyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational\nsequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ...\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nPie are not square.  Pie are round.  Cornbread are square.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPolymer physicists are into chains.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPower corrupts.  And atomic power corrupts atomically.\n"}, {"quote": "\nProgress means replacing a theory that is wrong with one more subtly wrong.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPrototype designs always work.\n\t\t-- Don Vonada\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller\nthan the both put together.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQuantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces!\n\t\t-- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party\n"}, {"quote": "\nQuantum Mechanics is God's version of \"Trust me.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nQuark!  Quark!  Beware the quantum duck!\n"}, {"quote": "\nRadioactive cats have 18 half-lives.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature\ncannot be fooled.\n\t\t-- R.P. Feynman\n"}, {"quote": "\nRecession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you\nlose your job.  These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,\nbut sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and\nChase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRemember Darwin; building a better mousetrap merely results in smarter mice.\n"}, {"quote": "\nResearch is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works\nyou're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either,\nso you're still a valiant nerd.\n"}, {"quote": "\nResearch is to see what everybody else has seen, and think what nobody\nelse has thought.\n"}, {"quote": "\nResearch is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.\n\t\t-- Wernher von Braun\n"}, {"quote": "\nRound Numbers are always false.\n\t\t-- Samuel Johnson\n"}, {"quote": "\nSaliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed in small amounts over a long\nperiod of time.\n\t\t-- George Carlin\n"}, {"quote": "\nScience and religion are in full accord but science and faith are in complete\ndiscord.\n"}, {"quote": "\nScience is built up of facts, as a house is with stones.  But a collection\nof facts is no more a science than a heap of stones is a house.\n\t\t-- Jules Henri Poincar'\be\n"}, {"quote": "\nScience is what happens when preconception meets verification.\n"}, {"quote": "\nScience may someday discover what faith has always known.\n"}, {"quote": "\nScientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it.\n\t\t-- William Buckley\n"}, {"quote": "\nSentient plasmoids are a gas.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSimplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSolutions are obvious if one only has the optical power to observe them\nover the horizon.\n\t\t-- K.A. Arsdall\n"}, {"quote": "\nSpace is big.  You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly\nbig it is.  I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the\ndrug store, but that's just peanuts to space.\n\t\t-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy\n"}, {"quote": "\nSpace is to place as eternity is to time.\n\t\t-- Joseph Joubert\n"}, {"quote": "\nSpace tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve.\n\t\t-- Wheeler\n"}, {"quote": "\nStatistics are no substitute for judgement.\n\t\t-- Henry Clay\n"}, {"quote": "\nStatistics means never having to say you're certain.\n"}, {"quote": "\nStellar rays prove fibbing never pays.  Embezzlement is another matter.\n"}, {"quote": "\nStuckness shouldn't be avoided.  It's the psychic predecessor of all\nreal understanding.  An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an\nunderstanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors.\n\t\t-- R. Pirsig, \"Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nSupervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics?\nSupervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by \"to understand\" in the context of\n\t    Quantum Mechanics?\nSupervisor: You mean \"No\", don't you?\nSupervisee: Yes.\n\t\t-- Overheard at a supervision.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSupport bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!\n"}, {"quote": "\nTake an astronaut to launch.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTechnological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means\nfor going backwards.\n\t\t-- Aldous Huxley\n"}, {"quote": "\nTechnology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThat's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind.\n\t\t-- Neil Armstrong\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe  White Rabbit put on his spectacles.\n\t\"Where shall  I  begin, please your Majesty ?\" he asked.\n\t\"Begin at the beginning,\", the King said, very gravely, \"and go on\ntill you come to the end: then stop.\"\n\t\t-- Lewis Carroll\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex\nfacts.  Seek simplicity and distrust it.\n\t\t-- Whitehead.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the\npavement is precisely 1 bananosecond.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured\nin billigrahams.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe best defense against logic is ignorance.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe bigger the theory the better.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time.\n\t\t-- Merrick Furst\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe bomb will never go off.  I speak as an expert in explosives.\n\t\t-- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture.\n\t\t-- Elbert Hubbard\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe clash of ideas is the sound of freedom.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness.\n\t\t-- John Muir\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe devil finds work for idle circuits to do.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe devil finds work for idle glands.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe difference between reality and unreality is that reality has so\nlittle to recommend it.\n\t\t-- Allan Sherman\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science\nrequires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship.\n\t\t-- Robert Heinlein\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on\nweather forecasters.\n\t\t-- Jean-Paul Kauffmann\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind\nof thing.  Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation\nof these atoms is talking moonshine.\n\t\t-- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for\n\t\t   the first time\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe explanation requiring the fewest assumptions is the most likely to be\ncorrect.\n\t\t-- William of Occam\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe following statement is not true.  The previous statement is true.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Force is what holds everything together.  It has its dark side, and\nit has its light side.  It's sort of like cosmic duct tape.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.\"\n\t\t-- Dave Barry\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe function of the expert is not to be more right than other people,\nbut to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons.\n\t\t-- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe goal of science is to build better mousetraps.  The goal of nature\nis to build better mice.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent thinkers.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they\nare right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally\nunderstood.  Indeed, the world is ruled by little else.\n\t\t-- John Maynard Keyes\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The identical is equal to itself, since it is different.\"\n\t\t-- Franco Spisani\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth.  And there are\nsearchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a pointer and a mark.\n\t\t-- Fred Saberhagen, \"The Berserker Wars\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets.\n\t\t-- L. Zadeh\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a\nsoda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which\nwhen properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe moon is made of green cheese.\n\t\t-- John Heywood\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe more they over-think the plumbing the easier it is to stop up the drain.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new\ndiscoveries, is not \"Eureka!\" (I found it!) but \"That's funny ...\"\n\t\t-- Isaac Asimov\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe nation that controls magnetism controls the universe.\n\t\t-- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.\n\t\t-- John Kenneth Galbraith\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is that they\nserve to represent the complex of our experiences; beyond this they have\nno legitimacy.\n\t\t-- Albert Einstein\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only perfect science is hind-sight.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the `social\nsciences' is: some do, some don't.\n\t\t-- Ernest Rutherford\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite\nof a profound truth may well be another profound truth.\n\t\t-- Niels Bohr\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated by the fact that, when\nexposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're\nnot perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not\nengineers.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise\nmeasurement of the speed of blight.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe reason that every major university maintains a department of\nmathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those people.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or\ngive 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.\n\t\t-- Jane Bryant Quinn\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed.\n\t\t-- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and\ntolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will\nhave neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor\nits theories will hold water.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe solution of problems is the most characteristic and peculiar sort\nof voluntary thinking.\n\t\t-- William James\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe solution of this problem is trivial and is left as an exercise for\nthe reader.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.\n\t\t-- Peer\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe speed of anything depends on the flow of everything.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe spirit of Plato dies hard.  We have been unable to escape the philosophical\ntradition that what we can see and measure in the world is merely the\nsuperficial and imperfect representation of an underlying reality.\n\t\t-- S.J. Gould, \"The Mismeasure of Man\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The subspace _\bW inherits the other 8 properties of _\bV. And there aren't\neven any property taxes.\"\n\t\t-- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe sum of the Universe is zero.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.\n\t\t-- Aldo Leopold\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe tree of research must from time to time be refreshed with the blood\nof bean counters.\n\t\t-- Alan Kay\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.  And\nvice versa.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.\n\t\t-- Harlan Ellison\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe unfacts, did we have them, are too imprecisely few to warrant our certitude.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be broken.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe universe is an island, surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds\nuniverses.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the\ncombination is locked up in the safe.\n\t\t-- Peter DeVries\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Universe is populated by stable things.\n\t\t-- Richard Dawkins\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.\n\t\t-- Sagan\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe universe, they said, depended for its operation on the balance of four\nforces which they identified as charm, persuasion, uncertainty and\nbloody-mindedness.\n\t\t-- Terry Pratchett, \"The Light Fantastic\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal,\nand deviation standard.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe world is moving so fast these days that the man who says it can't be\ndone is generally interrupted by someone doing it.\n\t\t-- E. Hubbard\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Wright Bothers weren't the first to fly.  They were just the first\nnot to crash.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTheory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green.\n\t\t-- Goethe\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere *__\b\bis* no such thing as a civil engineer.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axis\nare chosen correctly.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and engineers.\nWhile the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far the more certain.\"\n\t\t-- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are two kinds of solar-heat systems: \"passive\" systems collect the\nsunlight that hits your home, and \"active\" systems collect the sunlight that\nhits your neighbors' homes, too.\n\t\t-- Dave Barry, \"Postpetroleum Guzzler\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule.\n\t\t-- R. W. Gerard\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.\n\t\t-- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is no opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it.\n\t\t-- Marcus Tullius Cicero, \"Ad familiares\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is no royal road to geometry.\n\t\t-- Euclid\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have\nno memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms.  If they recalled\nevery close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become\ninsupportable.\n\t\t-- Kurt Vonnegut\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle!\n\t\t-- Doug Clifford\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's no future in time travel.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's no sense in being precise when you don't even know what you're talking\nabout.\n\t\t-- John von Neumann\n"}, {"quote": "\nThey don't know how the world is shaped.  And so they give it a shape, and\ntry to make everything fit it.  They separate the right from the left, the\nman from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They\nonly want to count to two.\n\t\t-- Emma Bull, \"Bone Dance\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThings equal to nothing else are equal to each other.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis is clearly another case of too many mad scientists, and not enough\nhunchbacks.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers.  The\nspark-gap is mightier than the pen.  Democracy will not be salvaged by men\nwho talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly.\n\t\t-- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis is the theory that Jack built.\nThis is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built.\nThis is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in...\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's\nconstant.  And then the aside: \"For those of you who don't know, that's\nbeen called by others the fiddle factor...\"\n\t\t-- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis place just isn't big enough for all of us.  We've got to find a way\noff this planet.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis universe shipped by weight, not by volume.  Some expansion of the\ncontents may have occurred during shipment.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard\ndying... but nobody thought so.  This was a future of fortune and theft,\npillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it.\n\t\t-- Alfred Bester, \"The Stars My Destination\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThose who can, do; those who can't, simulate.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThose who can, do; those who can't, write.\nThose who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record.\n"}, {"quote": "\n... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage\nfrom beginning to end.\n\t\t-- Vernor Vinge, \"The Peace War\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know\nwhat we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true.\n\t\t-- Bertrand Russell\n"}, {"quote": "\nTime is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTime is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.\n\nSpace is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen to you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances\nmay be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence.\n\t\t-- Joseph Glanvill, 1661\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.\n\t\t-- Thomas Edison\n"}, {"quote": "\nToday's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?\n\nAnd where does it go after it leaves the toaster?\n\t\t-- Dave Barry, \"What is Electricity?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nTorque is cheap.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTwo is not equal to three, even for large values of two.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTwo percent of zero is almost nothing.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTwo wrights don't make a rong, they make an airplane.  Or bicycles.\n"}, {"quote": "\nUFOs are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.\n"}, {"quote": "\nUnderstanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem\nin relation to a bigger problem.\n\t\t-- P.D. Ouspensky\n"}, {"quote": "\nUtility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two,\nopulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.\n\t\t-- Doug Larson\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe are all agreed that your theory is crazy.  The question which divides us is\nwhether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct.  My own feeling\nis that it is not crazy enough. \n\t\t-- Niels Bohr\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his\nown facts.\n\t\t-- Patrick Moynihan\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe are sorry.  We cannot complete your call as dialed.  Please check\nthe number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance.\n\nThis is a recording.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe can defeat gravity.  The problem is the paperwork involved.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe can predict everything, except the future.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe cannot command nature except by obeying her.\n\t\t-- Sir Francis Bacon\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"We don't care.  We don't have to.  We're the Phone Company.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure\nthat it wasn't a fish.\n\t-- Marshall McLuhan\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids?\n\t\t-- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn of a beautiful\nnew world.  We will see it when we believe it.\n\t\t-- Saul Alinsky\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here depends on a\nclever but highly unmotivated trick.\n\t\t-- Howard Anton, \"Elementary Linear Algebra\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal tend to\nbrand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous extinction.\n\t\t-- S.J. Gould\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one technical\nproblem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away.  The center\nof the Earth is only 4,000 miles away.  You could drive that in a week,\nbut for some reason nobody's ever done it.\n\t\t-- Andy Rooney\n"}, {"quote": "\nWernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"What I've done, of course, is total garbage.\"\n\t\t-- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat is algebra, exactly?  Is it one of those three-cornered things?\n\t\t-- J.M. Barrie\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat is mind?  No matter.  What is matter?  Never mind.\n\t\t-- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat is now proved was once only imagin'd.\n\t\t-- William Blake\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat is research but a blind date with knowledge?\n\t\t-- Will Harvey\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,\nwhich is the exact opposite.\n\t\t-- Bertrand Russell, \"Skeptical Essays\", 1928\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat the deuce is it to me?  You say that we go around the sun.  If we went\naround the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work.\n\t\t-- Sherlock Holmes, \"A Study in Scarlet\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying.\n\t\t-- Nikita Khruschev\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute.\nBut let him sit on a hot stove for a minute -- and it's longer than any\nhour.  That's relativity.\n\t\t-- Albert Einstein\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people interrupted\nservice for one minute in his honor.  They've been honoring him intermittently\never since, I believe.\n\t\t-- The Grab Bag\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen some people discover the truth, they just can't understand why\neverybody isn't eager to hear it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four.\n\t\t-- S. Johnson\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical.\"\n\t\t-- Jon Carroll\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the\nplane will fly.\n\t\t-- Donald Douglas\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation\nof a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand, so that you can\nproceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the goal.\n\t\t-- Amrom Katz\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by\nasking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't\nknow the answer either.\n\t\t-- Edgar R. Fiedler\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhere are the calculations that go with a calculated risk?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWHERE CAN THE MATTER BE\n\tOh, dear, where can the matter be\n\tWhen it's converted to energy?\n\tThere is a slight loss of parity.\n\tJohnny's so long at the fair.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhere it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to\nexamine the laws of heat.\n\t\t-- Christopher Morley\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhite dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another\nmeaning?  \"It is the complex case that is easier to deal with.\"  \"If it\ndoesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a\ncorner.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle?\n\t\t-- Alan Shepherd, the first man into space, Gemini program\n"}, {"quote": "\nWith all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once\nbuild a nuclear balm?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWith every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand\nmiles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and\nstill there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no\nsuch thing as progress.\n\t\t-- Ransom K. Ferm\n"}, {"quote": "\nWithout life, Biology itself would be impossible.\n"}, {"quote": "\nXerox does it again and again and again and ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nXerox never comes up with anything original.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYa'll hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some\nrays and became a tangent ?\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are a taxi driver.  Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in\nuse for only seven years.  One of its windshield wipers is broken, and\nthe carburetor needs adjusting.  The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the\nmoment is only three-quarters full.  How old is the taxi driver?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding\ndecisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left\nover for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.\n\t\t-- F. Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can't cheat the phone company.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou cannot have a science without measurement.\n\t\t-- R. W. Hamming\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou mean you didn't *know* she was off making lots of little phone companies?\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than\nabout 10^12 to 1.\n\t\t-- Ernest Rutherford\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will never amount to much.\n\t\t-- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10\n"}, {"quote": "\n100 buckets of bits on the bus\t\n100 buckets of bits\nTake one down, short it to ground\nFF buckets of bits on the bus\t\n\nFF buckets of bits on the bus\t\nFF buckets of bits\nTake one down, short it to ground\nFE buckets of bits on the bus\t\n\nad infinitum...\n"}, {"quote": "\n99 blocks of crud on the disk,\n99 blocks of crud!\nYou patch a bug, and dump it again:\n100 blocks of crud on the disk!\n\n100 blocks of crud on the disk,\n100 blocks of crud!\nYou patch a bug, and dump it again:\n101 blocks of crud on the disk! ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nA bit of talcum\nIs always walcum\n\t\t-- Ogden Nash\n"}, {"quote": "\nA box without hinges, key, or lid,\nYet golden treasure inside is hid.\n\t\t-- J.R.R. Tolkien\n"}, {"quote": "\nA bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon;\nThe kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune;\nBack of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew,\nAnd watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou.\n\t\t-- Robert W. Service\n"}, {"quote": "\nA cousin of mine once said about money,\nmoney is always there but the pockets change;\nit is not in the same pockets after a change,\nand that is all there is to say about money.\n\t\t-- Gertrude Stein\n"}, {"quote": "\nA Elbereth Gilthoniel,\nsilivren penna m'\biriel\no menel aglar elenath!\nNa chaered palan-d'\biriel\no galadhremmin ennorath,\nFanuilos, le linnathon\nnef aear, s'\bi  nef aearon!\n\t\t-- J. R. R. Tolkien\n"}, {"quote": "\nA little word of doubtful number,\nA foe to rest and peaceful slumber.\nIf you add an \"s\" to this,\nGreat is the metamorphosis.\nPlural is plural now no more,\nAnd sweet what bitter was before.\nWhat am I?\n"}, {"quote": "\nA man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart,\nHe sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart.\n\t\t-- Richard Thompson\n"}, {"quote": "\nA man of genius makes no mistakes.\nHis errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.\n\t\t-- James Joyce, \"Ulysses\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nA man who fishes for marlin in ponds\nwill put his money in Etruscan bonds.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA mighty creature is the germ,\nThough smaller than the pachyderm.\nHis customary dwelling place\nIs deep within the human race.\nHis childish pride he often pleases\nBy giving people strange diseases.\nDo you, my poppet, feel infirm?\nYou probably contain a germ.\n\t\t-- Ogden Nash\n"}, {"quote": "\nA robin redbreast in a cage\nPuts all Heaven in a rage.\n\t\t-- Blake\n"}, {"quote": "\nA truth that's told with bad intent\nBeats all the lies you can invent.\n\t\t-- William Blake\n"}, {"quote": "\nAfter all my erstwhile dear,\nMy no longer cherished,\nNeed we say it was not love,\nJust because it perished?\n\t\t-- Edna St. Vincent Millay\n"}, {"quote": "\nAh, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, \nOr what's a heaven for ?\n\t\t-- Robert Browning, \"Andrea del Sarto\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAh, but the choice of dreams to live,\nthere's the rub.\n\nFor all dreams are not equal,\nsome exit to nightmare\nmost end with the dreamer\n\nBut at least one must be lived ... and died.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAh, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me,\n\"How good, how good does it feel to be free?\"\nAnd I answer them most mysteriously:\n\"Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?\"\n\t\t-- Bob Dylan\n"}, {"quote": "\nAleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,\nAleph-null bottles of beer,\nYou take one down, and pass it around,\nAleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlive without breath,\nAs cold as death;\nNever thirsty, ever drinking,\nAll in mail ever clinking.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll my friends are getting married,\nYes, they're all growing old,\nThey're all staying home on the weekend,\nThey're all doing what they're told.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll who joy would win Must share it --\nHappiness was born a twin.\n\t\t-- Lord Byron\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn eye in a blue face\nSaw an eye in a green face.\n\"That eye is like this eye\"\nSaid the first eye,\n\"But in low place,\nNot in high place.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnd as we stand on the edge of darkness\nLet our chant fill the void\nThat others may know\n\n\tIn the land of the night\n\tThe ship of the sun\n\tIs drawn by\n\tThe grateful dead.\n\t\t-- Tibetan \"Book of the Dead,\" ca. 4000 BC.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnd here I wait so patiently\nWaiting to find out what price\nYou have to pay to get out of\nGoing thru all of these things twice\n\t\t-- Dylan, \"Memphis Blues Again\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnd I heard Jeff exclaim,\nAs they strolled out of sight,\n\"Merry Christmas to all --\nYou take credit cards, right?\"\n\t\t-- \"Outsiders\" comic\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnd if California slides into the ocean,\nLike the mystics and statistics say it will.\nI predict this motel will be standing,\nUntil I've paid my bill.\n\t\t-- Warren Zevon, \"Desperados Under the Eaves\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnd if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee,\n\"Who kilt thee?\", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy!\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnd if you wonder,\nWhat I am doing,\nAs I am heading for the sink.\nI am spitting out all the bitterness,\nAlong with half of my last drink.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnd in the heartbreak years that lie ahead,\nBe true to yourself and the Grateful Dead.\n\t\t-- Joan Baez\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnd miles to go before I sleep.\n\t\t-- Robert Frost\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnd so it was, later,\nAs the miller told his tale,\nThat her face, at first just ghostly,\nTurned a whiter shade of pale.\n\t\t-- Procol Harum\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnd the silence came surging softly backwards\nWhen the plunging hooves were gone...\n\t\t-- Walter de La Mare, \"The Listeners\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnd this is good old Boston,\nThe home of the bean and the cod,\nWhere the Lowells talk only to Cabots,\nAnd the Cabots talk only to God.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnd we heard him exclaim\nAs he started to roam:\n\"I'm a hologram, kids,\nplease don't try this at home!'\"\n\t\t-- Bob Violence\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnd... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane?\n\tShe's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same.\n\tLivin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine\n\tAll a friend can say is \"Ain't it a shame?\"\n\t\t-- The Grateful Dead\n"}, {"quote": "\nAngels we have heard on High\nTell us to go out and Buy.\n\t\t-- Tom Lehrer\n"}, {"quote": "\nApril is the cruellest month...\n\t\t-- Thomas Stearns Eliot\n"}, {"quote": "\nAre there those in the land of the brave\nWho can tell me how I should behave\n\tWhen I am disgraced\n\tBecause I erased\n\tA file I intended to save?\n"}, {"quote": "\nAs for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em,\nWe may live with, but cannot live without 'em.\n\t\t-- Frederic Reynolds\n"}, {"quote": "\nAs I was going up Punch Card Hill,\n\tFeeling worse and worser,\nThere I met a C.R.T.\n\tAnd it drop't me a cursor.\n\nC.R.T., C.R.T.,\n\tPhosphors light on you!\nIf I had fifty hours a day\n\tI'd spend them all at you.\n\t\t-- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes\n"}, {"quote": "\nAs I was passing Project MAC,\nI met a Quux with seven hacks.\nEvery hack had seven bugs;\nEvery bug had seven manifestations;\nEvery manifestation had seven symptoms.\nSymptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,\nHow many losses at Project MAC?\n"}, {"quote": "\nAs some day it may happen that a victim must be found\nI've got a little list -- I've got a little list\nOf society offenders who might well be underground\nAnd who never would be missed -- who never would be missed.\n\t\t-- Koko, \"The Mikado\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAt times discretion should be thrown aside,\nand with the foolish we should play the fool.\n\t\t-- Menander\n"}, {"quote": "\nAvoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.\n\t\t-- National Lampoon, \"Deteriorata\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAzh nazg durbatal^\buk, azh nazg gimbatul,\nAzh nazg thrakatal^\buk agh burzum ishi krimpatul!\n\t\t-- J. R. R. Tolkien\n"}, {"quote": "\nBe assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely\nget your Feet wet.  Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your face.\n\t\t-- National Lampoon, \"Deteriorata\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nBe valiant, but not too venturous.\nLet thy attire be comely, but not costly.\n\t\t-- John Lyly\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all\nYe know on earth, and all ye need to know.\n\t\t-- John Keats\n"}, {"quote": "\nBecause I do,\nBecause I do not hope,\nBecause I do not hope to survive\nInjustice from the Palace, death from the air,\nBecause I do, only do,\nI continue...\n\t\t-- T.S. Pynchon\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeneath this stone lies Murphy,\nThey buried him today,\nHe lived the life of Riley,\nWhile Riley was away.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBetween the idea\nAnd the reality\nBetween the motion\nAnd the act\nFalls the Shadow\n\t\t-- T.S. Eliot, \"The Hollow Man\"\n\n\t[Quoted in \"VMS Internals and Data Structures\", V4.4, when\n\t referring to system service dispatching.]\n"}, {"quote": "\nBig M, Little M, many mumbling mice\nAre making midnight music in the moonlight,\nMighty nice!\n"}, {"quote": "\nBit off more than my mind could chew,\nShower or suicide, what do I do?\n\t\t-- Julie Brown, \"Will I Make it Through the Eighties?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nBut has any little atom,\n\tWhile a-sittin' and a-splittin',\nEver stopped to think or CARE\n\tThat E = m c**2 ?\n"}, {"quote": "\nBut I was there and I saw what you did,\nI saw it with my own two eyes.\nSo you can wipe off that grin;\nI know where you've been--\nIt's all been a pack of lies!\n"}, {"quote": "\nBut scientists, who ought to know\nAssure us that it must be so.\nOh, let us never, never doubt\nWhat nobody is sure about.\n\t\t-- Hilaire Belloc\n"}, {"quote": "\nBut soft you, the fair Ophelia:\nOpe not thy ponderous and marble jaws,\nBut get thee to a nunnery -- go!\n\t\t-- Mark \"The Bard\" Twain\n"}, {"quote": "\nBut, Mousie, thou art no thy lane,\nIn proving foresight may be vain:\nThe best laid schemes o' mice an' men\nGang aft a-gley,\nAn' lea'e us nought but grief and pain\nFor promised joy.\n\t-- Robert Burns, \"To a Mouse\", 1785\n"}, {"quote": "\nBy the time you swear you're his,\nshivering and sighing\nand he vows his passion is\ninfinite, undying --\nLady, make a note of this:\nOne of you is lying.\n\t\t-- Dorothy Parker, \"Unfortunate Coincidence\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nBy the yard, life is hard.\nBy the inch, it's a cinch.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCalm down, it's only ones and zeroes,\nCalm down, it's only bits and bytes,\nCalm down, and speak to me in English,\nPlease realize that I'm not one of your computerites.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCancel me not -- for what then shall remain?\nAbscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,\nA root or two, a torus and a node:\nThe inverse of my verse, a null domain.\n\t\t-- Stanislaw Lem, \"Cyberiad\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nCandy\nIs dandy\nBut liquor\nIs quicker.\n\t\t-- Ogden Nash, \"Reflections on Ice-Breaking\"\n\nFortune updates the great quotes: #53.\n\tCandy is dandy; but liquor is quicker,\n\tand sex won't rot your teeth.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCatch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world.\n\t\t-- The Beach Boys\n"}, {"quote": "\nCertainly there are things in life that money can't buy,\nBut it's very funny -- did you ever try buying them without money?\n\t\t-- Ogden Nash\n"}, {"quote": "\nCharlie was a chemist,\nBut Charlie is no more.\nFor what he thought was H2O,\nWas H2SO4.\n"}, {"quote": "\nChildren aren't happy without something to ignore,\nAnd that's what parents were created for.\n\t\t-- Ogden Nash\n"}, {"quote": "\nChivalry, Schmivalry!\n\tRoger the thief has a\n\tmethod he uses for\n\tsneaky attacks:\nFolks who are reading are\n\tCharacteristically\n\tAlways Forgetting to\n\tGuard their own bac ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nCome fill the cup and in the fire of spring\nYour winter garment of repentence fling.\nThe bird of time has but a little way\nTo flutter -- and the bird is on the wing.\n\t\t-- Omar Khayyam\n"}, {"quote": "\nCome live with me, and be my love,\nAnd we will some new pleasures prove\nOf golden sands, and crystal brooks,\nWith silken lines, and silver hooks.\n\t\t-- John Donne\n"}, {"quote": "\nCome, every frustum longs to be a cone,\nAnd every vector dreams of matrices.\nHark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:\nIt whispers of a more ergodic zone.\n\t\t-- Stanislaw Lem, \"Cyberiad\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nCome, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,\nTonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.\n\t\t-- John Fletcher, \"The Bloody Brother\", II, 2\n"}, {"quote": "\nCome, let us hasten to a higher plane,\nWhere dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,\nTheir indices bedecked from one to _\bn,\nCommingled in an endless Markov chain!\n\t\t-- Stanislaw Lem, \"Cyberiad\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nCome, muse, let us sing of rats!\n\t\t-- From a poem by James Grainger, 1721-1767\n"}, {"quote": "\nComing to Stores Near You:\n\n101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring:\n\n\t(You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog\n\tIt Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing\n\tI'm Not Misbehaving\n\nAnd A Whole Lot More...\n"}, {"quote": "\nConfusion will be my epitaph\nas I walk a cracked and broken path\nIf we make it we can all sit back and laugh\nbut I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying.\n\t\t-- King Crimson, \"In the Court of the Crimson King\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nDeath comes on every passing breeze,\nHe lurks in every flower;\nEach season has its own disease,\nIts peril -- every hour.\n\t--Reginald Heber\n"}, {"quote": "\nDeclared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature.\n\t\t-- Pink Floyd, \"The Wall\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nDespising machines to a man,\nThe Luddites joined up with the Klan,\n\tAnd ride out by night\n\tIn a sheeting of white\nTo lynch all the robots they can.\n\t\t-- C. M. and G. A. Maxson\n"}, {"quote": "\nDidja' ever have to make up your mind,\nPick up on one and leave the other behind,\nIt's not often easy, and it's not often kind,\nDidja' ever have to make up your mind?\n\t\t-- Lovin' Spoonful\n"}, {"quote": "\nDisillusioned words like bullets bark,\nAs human gods aim for their mark,\nMake everything from toy guns that spark\nTo flesh-colored christs that glow in the dark.\nIt's easy to see without looking too far\nThat not much is really sacred.\n\t\t-- Bob Dylan\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo your otters do the shimmy?\nDo they like to shake their tails?\nDo your wombats sleep in tophats?\nIs your garden full of snails?\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't be concerned, it will not harm you,\nIt's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of,\nAcross my dreams, with neptive wonder,\nI chase the bright elusive butterfly of love.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't lose\nYour head\nTo gain a minute\nYou need your head\nYour brains are in it.\n\t\t-- Burma Shave\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't wake me up too soon...\nGonna take a ride across the moon...\nYou and me.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDrink and dance and laugh and lie\nLove, the reeling midnight through\nFor tomorrow we shall die!\n(But, alas, we never do.)\n\t\t-- Dorothy Parker, \"The Flaw in Paganism\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nEasy come and easy go,\n\tsome call me easy money,\nSometimes life is full of laughs,\n\tand sometimes it ain't funny\nYou may think that I'm a fool\n\tand sometimes that is true,\nBut I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire,\n\twith or without you.\n\t\t-- Hoyt Axton\n"}, {"quote": "\nEndless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning\nEndless the quest;\nI turn again, back to my own beginning,\nAnd here, find rest.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEs brilig war.  Die schlichte Toven\n\tWirrten und wimmelten in Waben;\nUnd aller-m\"\bumsige Burggoven\n\tDir mohmen R\"\bath ausgraben.\n\t\t-- Lewis Carrol, \"Through the Looking Glass\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nEuch ist becannt, was wir beduerfen;\nWir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen.\n\t\t-- Goethe, \"Faust\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nEven a man who is pure at heart,\nAnd says his prayers at night\nCan become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms,\nAnd the moon is full and bright.\n\t\t-- The Wolf Man, 1941\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvery love's the love before\nIn a duller dress.\n\t\t-- Dorothy Parker, \"Summary\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvery man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.\n\t\t-- Miguel de Cervantes\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvery night my prayers I say,\n\tAnd get my dinner every day;\nAnd every day that I've been good,\n\tI get an orange after food.\nThe child that is not clean and neat,\n\tWith lots of toys and things to eat,\nHe is a naughty child, I'm sure--\n\tOr else his dear papa is poor.\n\t\t-- Robert Louis Stevenson\n"}, {"quote": "\nEverywhere you go you'll see them searching,\nEverywhere you turn you'll feel the pain,\nEveryone is looking for the answer,\nWell look again.\n\t\t-- Moody Blues, \"Lost in a Lost World\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nF:\tWhen into a room I plunge, I\n\tSometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI.\n\tThen I linger, darkly brooding\n\tOn the poison they're exuding.\n\t\t-- The Roguelet's ABC\n"}, {"quote": "\nFamilies, when a child is born\nWant it to be intelligent.\nI, through intelligence,\nHaving wrecked my whole life,\nOnly hope the baby will prove\nIgnorant and stupid.\nThen he will crown a tranquil life\nBy becoming a Cabinet Minister\n\t\t-- Su Tung-p'o\n"}, {"quote": "\nFifteen men on a dead man's chest,\nYo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!\nDrink and the devil had done for the rest,\nYo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!\n\t\t-- Stevenson, \"Treasure Island\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nFifty flippant frogs\nWalked by on flippered feet\nAnd with their slime they made the time\nUnnaturally fleet.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFinality is death.\nPerfection is finality.\nNothing is perfect.\nThere are lumps in it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFlying saucers on occasion\n\tShow themselves to human eyes.\nAliens fume, put off invasion\n\tWhile they brand these tales as lies.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor gin, in cruel\nSober truth,\nSupplies the fuel\nFor flaming youth.\n\t\t-- Noel Coward\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Force is but might,\" the teacher said--\n\"That definition's just.\"\nThe boy said naught but thought instead,\nRemembering his pounded head:\n\"Force is not might but must!\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nFrom too much love of living,\nFrom hope and fear set free,\nWe thank with brief thanksgiving,\nWhatever gods may be,\nThat no life lives forever,\nThat dead men rise up never,\nThat even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.\n\t\t-- Swinburne\n"}, {"quote": "\nGet in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light.\n\t\t-- Dylan Thomas [paraphrased periphrastically]\n"}, {"quote": "\nGive me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe,\nBold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow!\nBut of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send,\nSave me, oh save me from the candid friend.\n\t\t-- George Canning\n"}, {"quote": "\nGive me your students, your secretaries,\nYour huddled writers yearning to breathe free,\nThe wretched refuse of your Selectric III's.\nGive these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me.\nI lift my disk beside the processor.\n\t\t-- Inscription on a Word Processor\n"}, {"quote": "\nGo placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may\nbe in owning a piece thereof.\n\t\t-- National Lampoon, \"Deteriorata\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nGraphics blind the eyes.\nAudio files deafen the ear.\nMouse clicks numb the fingers.\nHeuristics weaken the mind.\nOptions wither the heart.\n\nThe Guru observes the net \nbut trusts his inner vision.\nHe allows things to come and go.\nHis heart is as open as the ether.\n"}, {"quote": "\nH:\tIf a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you,\n\tSlice him up before he slays you.\n\tNothing makes you look a slob\n\tLike running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).\n\t\t-- The Roguelet's ABC\n"}, {"quote": "\nHalf a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be.\nBut half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity.  See?\nBut can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee,\nWhen half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury?\n"}, {"quote": "\nHanging on in quiet desperation is the English way.\n\t\t-- Pink Floyd\n"}, {"quote": "\nHark, the Herald Tribune sings,\nAdvertising wondrous things.\n\nAngels we have heard on High\nTell us to go out and Buy.\n\t\t-- Tom Lehrer\n"}, {"quote": "\nHave you ever felt like a wounded cow\nhalfway between an oven and a pasture?\nwalking in a trance toward a pregnant\n\tseventeen-year-old housewife's\n\ttwo-day-old cookbook?\n\t\t-- Richard Brautigan\n"}, {"quote": "\nHave you seen how Sonny's burning,\nLike some bright erotic star,\nHe lights up the proceedings,\nAnd raises the temperature.\n\t\t-- The Birthday Party, \"Sonny's Burning\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe thought he saw an albatross\nThat fluttered 'round the lamp.\nHe looked again and saw it was\nA penny postage stamp.\n\"You'd best be getting home,\" he said,\n\"The nights are rather damp.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who invents adages for others to peruse\ntakes along rowboat when going on cruise.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who loses, wins the race,\nAnd parallel lines meet in space.\n\t\t-- John Boyd, \"Last Starship from Earth\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe's been like a father to me,\nHe's the only DJ you can get after three,\nI'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band,\nAnd why he don't like me I don't understand.\n\t\t-- The Byrds\n"}, {"quote": "\nHer locks an ancient lady gave\nHer loving husband's life to save;\nAnd men -- they honored so the dame --\nUpon some stars bestowed her name.\n\nBut to our modern married fair,\nWho'd give their lords to save their hair,\nNo stellar recognition's given.\nThere are not stars enough in heaven.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHere I am again right where I know I shouldn't be\nI've been caught inside this trap too many times\nI must've walked these steps and said these words a\n\tthousand times before\nIt seems like I know everybody's lines.\n\t\t-- David Bromberg, \"How Late'll You Play 'Til?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHERE LIES LESTER MOORE\nSHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44\nNO LES\nNO MOORE\n\t\t-- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ\n"}, {"quote": "\nHey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo!\nRing a dong! hop along! fal lal the willow!\nTom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo!\n\t\t-- J. R. R. Tolkien\n"}, {"quote": "\nHey! Come derry dol!  Hop along, my hearties!\nHobbits!  Ponies all!  We are fond of parties.\nNow let the fun begin!  Let us sing together!\n\t\t-- J. R. R. Tolkien\n"}, {"quote": "\nHey! now!  Come hoy now!  Whither do you wander?\nUp, down, near or far, here, there or yonder?\nSharp-ears, Wise-nose, Swish-tail and Bumpkin,\nWhite-socks my little lad, and old Fatty Lumpkin!\n\t\t-- J. R. R. Tolkien\n"}, {"quote": "\nHey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl\nTo get a little more stack;\nIf that's not enough then you lose it all\nAnd have to pop all the way back.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHickory Dickory Dock,\nThe mice ran up the clock,\nThe clock struck one,\nThe others escaped with minor injuries.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHiggeldy Piggeldy,\nHamlet of Elsinore\nRuffled the critics by\nDropping this bomb:\n\"Phooey on Freud and his\nPsychoanalysis --\nOedipus, Shmoedipus,\nI just love Mom.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest.\n\t\t-- The Who, \"Tommy\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHistory is curious stuff\n\tYou'd think by now we had enough\nYet the fact remains I fear\n\tThey make more of it every year.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHo! Ho! Ho! to the bottle I go\nTo heal my heart and drown my woe.\nRain may fall and wind may blow,\nAnd many miles be still to go,\nBut under a tall tree I will lie,\nAnd let the clouds go sailing by.\n\t\t-- J. R. R. Tolkien\n"}, {"quote": "\nHo! Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadillo!\nBy water, wood and hill, by reed and willow,\nBy fire, sun and moon, harken now and hear us!\nCome, Tom Bombadil, for our need is near us!\n\t\t-- J. R. R. Tolkien\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?\n\t\t-- Pink Floyd\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow doth the little crocodile\n\tImprove his shining tail,\nAnd pour the waters of the Nile\n\tOn every golden scale!\n\nHow cheerfully he seems to grin,\n\tHow neatly spreads his claws,\nAnd welcomes little fishes in,\n\tWith gently smiling jaws!\n\t\t-- Lewis Carrol, \"Alice in Wonderland\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow doth the VAX's C-compiler\n\tImprove its object code.\nAnd even as we speak does it\n\tIncrease the system load.\n\nHow patiently it seems to run\n\tAnd spit out error flags,\nWhile users, with frustration, all\n\tTear their clothes to rags.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHumpty Dumpty sat on the wall,\nHumpty Dumpty had a great fall!\nAll the king's horses,\nAnd all the king's men,\nHad scrambled eggs for breakfast again!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI B M\nU B M\nWe all B M\nFor I B M!!!!\n\t\t-- H.A.R.L.I.E.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI can live without\nSomeone I love\nBut not without\nSomeone I need.\n\t\t-- \"Safety\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI can't complain, but sometimes I still do.\n\t\t-- Joe Walsh\n"}, {"quote": "\nI don't know what Descartes' got,\nBut booze can do what Kant cannot.\n\t\t-- Mike Cross\n"}, {"quote": "\nI don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight,\nBut there will definitely be a party tonight...\n"}, {"quote": "\nI don't want a pickle,\n\tI just wanna ride on my motorsickle.\nAnd I don't want to die,\n\tI just want to ride on my motorcy.\nCle.\n\t\t-- Arlo Guthrie\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have learned\nTo spell hors d'oeuvres\nWhich still grates on \nSome people's n'oeuvres.\n\t\t-- Warren Knox\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have lots of things in my pockets;\nNone of them is worth anything.\nSociopolitical whines aside,\nGan you give me, gratis, free,\nThe price of half a gallon\nOf Gallo extra bad\nAnd most of the bus fare home.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have no doubt the Devil grins,\nAs seas of ink I spatter.\nYe gods, forgive my \"literary\" sins--\nThe other kind don't matter.\n\t\t-- Robert W. Service\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have that old biological urge,\nI have that old irresistible surge,\nI'm hungry.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI lately lost a preposition;\nIt hid, I thought, beneath my chair\nAnd angrily I cried, \"Perdition!\nUp from out of under there.\"\n\nCorrectness is my vade mecum,\nAnd straggling phrases I abhor,\nAnd yet I wondered, \"What should he come\nUp from out of under for?\"\n\t\t-- Morris Bishop\n"}, {"quote": "\nI must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's;\nI will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create.\n\t\t-- William Blake, \"Jerusalem\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI owe, I owe,\nIt's off to work I go...\n"}, {"quote": "\nI really hate this damned machine\nI wish that they would sell it.\nIt never does quite what I want\nBut only what I tell it.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I said, \"Preacher, give me strength for round 5.\"\nHe said,\"What you need is to grow up, son.\"\nI said,\"Growin' up leads to growin' old,\nAnd then to dying, and to me that don't sound like much fun.\"\n\t\t-- John Cougar, \"The Authority Song\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI saw a man pursuing the Horizon,\n'Round and round they sped.\nI was disturbed at this,\nI accosted the man,\n\"It is futile,\" I said.\n\"You can never--\"\n\"You lie!\" He cried,\nand ran on.\n\t\t-- Stephen Crane\n"}, {"quote": "\nI see a bad moon rising.\nI see trouble on the way.\nI see earthquakes and lightnin'\nI see bad times today.\nDon't go 'round tonight,\nIt's bound to take your life.\nThere's a bad moon on the rise.\n\t\t-- J. C. Fogerty, \"Bad Moon Rising\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI see the eigenvalue in thine eye,\nI hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.\nBernoulli would have been content to die\nHad he but known such _\ba-squared cos 2(phi)!\n\t\t-- Stanislaw Lem, \"Cyberiad\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI stood on the leading edge,\nThe eastern seaboard at my feet.\n\"Jump!\" said Yoko Ono\nI'm too scared and good-looking, I cried.\nGo on and give it a try,\nWhy prolong the agony, all men must die.\n\t\t-- Roger Waters, \"The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI think that I shall never hear\nA poem lovelier than beer.\nThe stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap,\nWith golden base and snowy cap.\nThe stuff that I can drink all day\nUntil my mem'ry melts away.\nPoems are made by fools, I fear\nBut only Schlitz can make a beer.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI think that I shall never see\nA billboard lovely as a tree.\nIndeed, unless the billboards fall\nI'll never see a tree at all.\n\t\t-- Ogden Nash\n"}, {"quote": "\nI think that I shall never see\nA thing as lovely as a tree.\nBut as you see the trees have gone\nThey went this morning with the dawn.\nA logging firm from out of town\nCame and chopped the trees all down.\nBut I will trick those dirty skunks\nAnd write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI was born in a barrel of butcher knives\nTrouble I love and peace I despise\nWild horses kicked me in my side\nThen a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died.\n\t\t-- Bo Diddley\n"}, {"quote": "\nI was eatin' some chop suey,\nWith a lady in St. Louie,\nWhen there sudden comes a knockin' at the door.\nAnd that knocker, he says, \"Honey,\nRoll this rocker out some money,\nOr your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor.\"\n\t\t-- Mr. Miggle\n"}, {"quote": "\nI went home with a waitress,\nThe way I always do.\nHow I was I to know?\nShe was with the Russians too.\n\nI was gambling in Havana,\nI took a little risk.\nSend lawyers, guns, and money,\nDad, get me out of this.\n\t\t-- Warren Zevon, \"Lawyers, Guns and Money\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle.\nI said \"Hi, what's happenin'?\"\nHe said \"Nothin'.\"\nTry to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm;\nAs if you just squashed a cop.\n\t\t-- Arlo Guthrie, \"Motorcycle Song\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI will not play at tug o' war.\nI'd rather play at hug o' war,\nWhere everyone hugs\nInstead of tugs,\nWhere everyone giggles\nAnd rolls on the rug,\nWhere everyone kisses,\nAnd everyone grins,\nAnd everyone cuddles,\nAnd everyone wins.\n\t\t-- Shel Silverstein, \"Hug o' War\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI woke up a feelin' mean\nwent down to play the slot machine\nthe wheels turned round,\nand the letters read\n\"Better head back to Tennessee Jed\"\n\t\t-- Grateful Dead\n"}, {"quote": "\nI would like to know\nWhat I was fencing in\nAnd what I was fencing out.\n\t\t-- Robert Frost\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'd never cry if I did find\n\tA blue whale in my soup...\nNor would I mind a porcupine\n\tInside a chicken coop.\nYes life is fine when things combine,\t\n\tLike ham in beef chow mein...\nBut lord, this time I think I mind,\n\tThey've put acid in my rain.\n\t\t      --- Milo Bloom\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'd rather laugh with the sinners,\nThan cry with the saints,\nThe sinners are much more fun!\n\t\t-- Billy Joel, \"Only The Good Die Young\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'll learn to play the Saxophone,\nI play just what I feel.\nDrink Scotch whisky all night long,\nAnd die behind the wheel.\nThey got a name for the winners in the world,\nI want a name when I lose.\nThey call Alabama the Crimson Tide,\nCall me Deacon Blues.\n\t\t-- Becker and Fagan, \"Deacon Blues\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'll meet you... on the dark side of the moon...\n\t\t-- Pink Floyd\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality.\n\t\t-- The Who\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm just as sad as sad can be!\n\tI've missed your special date.\nPlease say that you're not mad at me\n\tMy tax return is late.\n\t\t-- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards\n"}, {"quote": "\ni'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be\nliving apart.\n\t\t-- e. e. cummings\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm very good at integral and differential calculus,\nI know the scientific names of beings animalculous;\nIn short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,\nI am the very model of a modern Major-General.\n\t\t-- Gilbert & Sullivan, \"Pirates of Penzance\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI've been on this lonely road so long,\nDoes anybody know where it goes,\nI remember last time the signs pointed home,\nA month ago.\n\t\t-- Carpenters, \"Road Ode\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI've finally found the perfect girl,\nI couldn't ask for more,\nShe's deaf and dumb and over-sexed,\nAnd owns a liquor store.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI/O, I/O,\nIt's off to disk I go,\nA bit or byte to read or write,\nI/O, I/O, I/O...\n"}, {"quote": "\nIam\nnot\nvery\nhappy\nacting\npleased\nwhenever\nprominent\nscientists\novermagnify\nintellectual\nenlightenment\n"}, {"quote": "\nIBM had a PL/I,\n\tIts syntax worse than JOSS;\nAnd everywhere this language went,\n\tIt was a total loss.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf a nation expects to be ignorant and free,\n... it expects what never was and never will be.\n\t\t-- Thomas Jefferson\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf all be true that I do think,\nThere be five reasons why one should drink;\nGood friends, good wine, or being dry,\nOr lest we should be by-and-by,\nOr any other reason why.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf all the seas were ink,\nAnd all the reeds were pens,\nAnd all the skies were parchment,\nAnd all the men could write,\nThese would not suffice\nTo write down all the red tape\nOf this Government. \n"}, {"quote": "\nIf I don't drive around the park,\nI'm pretty sure to make my mark.\nIf I'm in bed each night by ten,\nI may get back my looks again.\nIf I abstain from fun and such,\nI'll probably amount to much;\nBut I shall stay the way I am,\nBecause I do not give a damn.\n\t\t-- Dorothy Parker\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it?\n\t\t-- Alan Parsons Project\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf I traveled to the end of the rainbow\nAs Dame Fortune did intend,\nMurphy would be there to tell me\nThe pot's at the other end.\n\t\t-- Bert Whitney\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf she had not been cupric in her ions,\nHer shape ovoidal,\nTheir romance might have flourished.\nBut he built tetrahedral in his shape,\nHis ions ferric,\nLove could not help but die,\nUncatylised, inert, and undernourished.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you had just a minute to breathe,\nAnd they granted you one final wish,\nWould you ask for something\nLike another chance?\n\t\t-- Traffic, \"The Low Spark of High Heeled Boys\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,\nIt is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. \n\tOr some joker who is slicker,\n\tWill trick you of your liquor,\nIf you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war,\nAs well as by traffic and crime,\nConsider how worry-free gophers are,\nThough living on burrowed time.\n\t-- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn /users3 did Kubla Kahn\nA stately pleasure dome decree,\nWhere /bin, the sacred river ran\nThrough Test Suites measureless to Man\nDown to a sunless C.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.\nFind the fun and snap!  The job's a game.\nAnd every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake,\n\ta lark, a spree; it's very clear to see.\n\t\t-- Mary Poppins\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space\nLet superscripts and subscripts go their ways.\nOur asymptotes no longer out of phase,\nWe shall encounter, counting, face to face.\n\t\t-- Stanislaw Lem, \"Cyberiad\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn the dimestores and bus stations\nPeople talk of situations\nRead books repeat quotations\nDraw conclusions on the wall.\n\t\t-- Bob Dylan\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn the land of the dark the Ship of the\nSun is driven by the Grateful Dead.\n\t\t-- Egyptian Book of the Dead\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn this vale\nOf toil and sin\nYour head grows bald\nBut not your chin.\n\t\t-- Burma Shave\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree\nBut only if the NFL to a franchise would agree.\n"}, {"quote": "\nInto love and out again,\n\tThus I went and thus I go.\nSpare your voice, and hold your pen:\n\tWell and bitterly I know\nAll the songs were ever sung,\n\tAll the words were ever said;\nCould it be, when I was young,\n\tSomeone dropped me on my head?\n\t\t-- Dorothy Parker, \"Theory\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt cannot be seen, cannot be felt,\nCannot be heard, cannot be smelt.\nIt lies behind starts and under hills,\nAnd empty holes it fills.\nIt comes first and follows after,\nEnds life, kills laughter.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is not good for a man to be without knowledge,\nand he who makes haste with his feet misses his way.\n\t\t-- Proverbs 19:2\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt used to be the fun was in\nThe capture and kill.\nIn another place and time\nI did it all for thrills.\n\t\t-- Lust to Love\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt was one time too many\nOne word too few\nIt was all too much for me and you\nThere was one way to go\nNothing more we could do\nOne time too many\nOne word too few\n\t\t-- Meredith Tanner\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's faster horses,\nYounger women,\nOlder whiskey and\nMore money.\n\t\t-- Tom T. Hall, \"The Secret of Life\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's gonna be alright,\nIt's almost midnight,\nAnd I've got two more bottles of wine.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's just a jump to the left\n\tAnd then a step to the right.\nPut your hands on your hips\n\tAnd pull your knees in tight.\nIt's the pelvic thrust\n\tThat really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane\n\n\tLET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!\n\t\t-- Rocky Horror Picture Show\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's just apartment house rules,\nSo all you 'partment house fools\nRemember:  one man's ceiling is another man's floor.\nOne man's ceiling is another man's floor.\n\t\t-- Paul Simon, \"One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's Like This\n\nEven the samurai\nhave teddy bears,\nand even the teddy bears\nget drunk.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon.\n\t\t-- Tom Lehrer, \"Poisoning Pigeons in the Park\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nJohn\t\t\tDame May\t\tOscar\nWas Gay\t\t\tWas Whitty\t\tWas Wilde\nBut Gerard Hopkins\tBut John Greenleaf\tBut Thornton\nWas Manley\t\tWas Whittier\t\tWas Wilder\n\t\t-- Willard Espy\n"}, {"quote": "\nJust machines to make big decisions,\nProgrammed by men for compassion and vision,\nWe'll be clean when their work is done,\nWe'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young,\nWhat a beautiful world this will be,\nWhat a glorious time to be free.\n\t\t-- Donald Fagon, \"What A Beautiful World\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nK:\tCobalt's metal, hard and shining;\n\tCobol's wordy and confining;\n\tKOBOLDS topple when you strike them;\n\tDon't feel bad, it's hard to like them.\n\t\t-- The Roguelet's ABC\n"}, {"quote": "\nKeep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she\nWith silent lips.  Give me your tired, your poor,\nYour huddled masses yearning to breathe free,\nThe wretched refuse of your teeming shore.\nSend these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me...\n\t\t-- Emma Lazarus, \"The New Colossus\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nLady, lady, should you meet\nOne whose ways are all discreet,\nOne who murmurs that his wife\nIs the lodestar of his life,\nOne who keeps assuring you\nThat he never was untrue,\nNever loved another one...\nLady, lady, better run!\n\t\t-- Dorothy Parker, \"Social Note\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nLadybug, ladybug,\nLook to your stern!\nYour house is on fire,\nYour children will burn!\nSo jump ye and sing, for\nThe very first time\nThe four lines above\nHave been put into rhyme.\n\t\t-- Walt Kelly\n"}, {"quote": "\nLast night I met upon the stair\nA little man who wasn't there.\nHe wasn't there again today.\nGee how I wish he'd go away!\n"}, {"quote": "\nLatin is a language,\nAs dead as can be.\nFirst it killed the Romans,\nAnd now it's killing me.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLet us go then you and I\nwhile the night is laid out against the sky\nlike a smear of mustard on an old pork pie.\n\n\"Nice poem Tom.  I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?\"\n\t-- Ezra\n"}, {"quote": "\nLet us treat men and women well;\nTreat them as if they were real;\nPerhaps they are.\n\t\t-- Ralph Waldo Emerson\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is like a tin of sardines.\nWe're, all of us, looking for the key.\n\t\t-- Beyond the Fringe\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.\n\t\t-- John Lennon, \"Beautiful Boy\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nLighten up, while you still can,\nDon't even try to understand,\nJust find a place to make your stand,\nAnd take it easy.\n\t\t-- The Eagles, \"Take It Easy\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!\"\nEuclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged.\n\nUntil he died, and so reached that vicinity:\nin it he found that the damned things diverged.\n\t\t-- Piet Hein\n"}, {"quote": "\nLisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,\nLisp Machine is Fun.\nLisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,\nFun for everyone.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLizzie Borden took an axe,\nAnd plunged it deep into the VAX;\nDon't you envy people who\nDo all the things ___\b\b\bYOU want to do?\n"}, {"quote": "\nLogicians have but ill defined\nAs rational the human kind.\nLogic, they say, belongs to man,\nBut let them prove it if they can.\n\t\t-- Oliver Goldsmith\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove in your heart wasn't put there to stay.\nLove isn't love 'til you give it away.\n\t\t-- Oscar Hammerstein II\n"}, {"quote": "\nMummy dust to make me old;\nTo shroud my clothes, the black of night;\nTo age my voice, an old hag's cackle;\nTo whiten my hair, a scream of fright;\nA blast of wind to fan my hate;\nA thunderbolt to mix it well --\nNow begin thy magic spell!\n\t\t-- Walter Disney, \"Snow White\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy analyst told me that I was right out of my head,\n\tBut I said, \"Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead.\nBecause I have got a thing that is unique and new,\n\tTo prove it I'll have the last laugh on you.\n'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two.\n\nAnd you know two heads are better than one.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy Bonnie looked into a gas tank,\nThe height of its contents to see!\nShe lit a small match to assist her,\nOh, bring back my Bonnie to me.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy darling wife was always glum.\nI drowned her in a cask of rum,\nAnd so made sure that she would stay\nIn better spirits night and day.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy pen is at the bottom of a page,\nWhich, being finished, here the story ends;\n'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,\nBut stories somehow lengthen when begun.\n\t\t-- Byron\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy soul is crushed, my spirit sore\nI do not like me anymore,\nI cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse,\nI ponder on the narrow house\nI shudder at the thought of men\nI'm due to fall in love again.\n\t\t-- Dorothy Parker, \"Enough Rope\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nNeuroses are red,\n\tMelancholia's blue.\nI'm schizophrenic,\n\tWhat are you?\n"}, {"quote": "\nNew York's got the ways and means;\nJust won't let you be.\n\t\t-- The Grateful Dead\n"}, {"quote": "\nNew York-- to that tall skyline I come\nFlyin' in from London to your door\nNew York-- lookin' down on Central Park\nWhere they say you should not wander after dark.\nNew York.\n\t\t-- Simon and Garfunkle\n"}, {"quote": "\nNext, upon a stool, we've a sight to make you drool.\nSeven virgins and a mule, keep it cool, keep it cool.\n\t\t-- ELP, \"Karn Evil 9\" (1st Impression, Part 2)\n"}, {"quote": "\nNine megs for the secretaries fair,\nSeven megs for the hackers scarce,\nFive megs for the grads in smoky lairs,\nThree megs for system source;\n\nOne disk to rule them all,\nOne disk to bind them,\nOne disk to hold the files\nAnd in the darkness grind 'em.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNine-track tapes and seven-track tapes\nAnd tapes without any tracks;\nStretchy tapes and snarley tapes\nAnd tapes mixed up on the racks --\n\tTake hold of the tape\n\tAnd pull off the strip,\n\tAnd then you'll be sure\n\tYour tape drive will skip.\n\t\t-- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo rock so hard but that a little wave\nMay beat admission in a thousand years.\n\t\t-- Tennyson\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo sooner had Edger Allen Poe\nFinished his old Raven,\nthen he started his Old Crow.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo, his mind is not for rent\nTo any god or government.\nAlways hopeful, yet discontent,\nHe knows changes aren't permanent -\nBut change is.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNow hatred is by far the longest pleasure;\nMen love in haste, but they detest at leisure.\n\t\t-- George Gordon, Lord Byron, \"Don Juan\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nNow I lay me back to sleep.\nThe speaker's dull; the subject's deep.\nIf he should stop before I wake,\nGive me a nudge for goodness' sake.\n\t\t-- Anonymous\n"}, {"quote": "\nNow I lay me down to sleep\nI pray the double lock will keep;\nMay no brick through the window break,\nAnd, no one rob me till I awake.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNow I lay me down to sleep,\nI pray the Lord my soul to keep,\nIf I should die before I wake,\nI'll cry in anguish, \"Mistake!!  Mistake!!\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nNow I lay me down to study,\nI pray the Lord I won't go nutty.\nAnd if I fail to learn this junk,\nI pray the Lord that I won't flunk.\nBut if I do, don't pity me at all,\nJust lay my bones in the study hall.\nTell my teacher I've done my best,\nThen pile my books upon my chest.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNow it's time to say goodbye\nTo all our company...\nM-I-C\t(see you next week!)\nK-E-Y\t(Why?  Because we LIKE you!)\nM-O-U-S-E.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNow of my threescore years and ten,\nTwenty will not come again,\nAnd take from seventy springs a score,\nIt leaves me only fifty more.\n\nAnd since to look at things in bloom\nFifty springs are little room,\nAbout the woodlands I will go\nTo see the cherry hung with snow.\n\t\t-- A.E. Housman\n"}, {"quote": "\nNow what would they do if I just sailed away?\nWho the hell really compelled me to leave today?\nRunnin' low on stories of what made it a ball,\nWhat would they do if I made no landfall?\"\n\t\t-- Jimmy Buffet, \"Landfall\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nO give me a home,\nWhere the buffalo roam,\nWhere the deer and the antelope play,\nWhere seldom is heard\nA discouraging word,\n'Cause what can an antelope say?\n"}, {"quote": "\nO love, could thou and I with fate conspire\nTo grasp this sorry scheme of things entire,\nMight we not smash it to bits\nAnd mould it closer to our hearts' desire?\n\t\t-- Omar Khayyam, tr. FitzGerald\n"}, {"quote": "\nO slender as a willow-wand!  O clearer than clear water!\nO reed by the living pool!  Fair river-daughter!\nO spring-time and summer-time, and spring again after!\nO wind on the waterfall, and the leaves' laughter!\n\t\t-- J. R. R. Tolkien\n"}, {"quote": "\nO! Wanderers in the shadowed land\ndespair not!  For though dark they stand,\nall woods there be must end at last,\nand see the open sun go past:\nthe setting sun, the rising sun,\nthe day's end, or the day begun.\nFor east or west all woods must fail ...\n\t\t-- J. R. R. Tolkien\n"}, {"quote": "\nObserve yon plumed biped fine.\nTo activate its captivation,\nDeposit on its termination,\nA quantity of particles saline.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOf all the words of witch's doom\nThere's none so bad as which and whom.\nThe man who kills both which and whom\nWill be enshrined in our Who's Whom.\n\t\t-- Fletcher Knebel\n"}, {"quote": "\nOh don't the days seem lank and long\n\tWhen all goes right and none goes wrong,\nAnd isn't your life extremely flat\n\tWith nothing whatever to grumble at!\n"}, {"quote": "\nOh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD?\nMy friends all got sources, so why can't I see?\nCome all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me:\nTo hell with the lawyers from AT&T!\n"}, {"quote": "\nOh, by the way, which one's Pink?\n\t\t-- Pink Floyd\n"}, {"quote": "\nOh, give me a home,\nWhere the buffalo roam,\nAnd I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay\n\tI muck with indices and structs all day\nAnd when it works, I shout hoo-ray\n\tOh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay\n"}, {"quote": "\nOh, life is a glorious cycle of song,\nA medley of extemporanea;\nAnd love is thing that can never go wrong;\nAnd I am Marie of Roumania.\n\t\t-- Dorothy Parker, \"Comment\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nOh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea.\nHe may catch all the others, but he won't catch me.\nNo, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee.\nHe may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!\n\t\t-- The Smothers Brothers\n"}, {"quote": "\nOh, when I was in love with you,\n\tThen I was clean and brave,\nAnd miles around the wonder grew\n\tHow well did I behave.\n\nAnd now the fancy passes by,\n\tAnd nothing will remain,\nAnd miles around they'll say that I\n\tAm quite myself again.\n\t\t-- A. E. Housman\n"}, {"quote": "\nOh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone.\n\t\t-- John Cougar, \"Jack and Diane\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nOld Mother Hubbard lived in a shoe,\nShe had so many children,\nShe didn't know what to do.\nSo she moved to Atlanta.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOld Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard\nTo fetch her poor daughter a dress.\nWhen she got there, the cupboard was bare\nAnd so was her daughter, I guess...\n"}, {"quote": "\nOld Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow,\nBright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow.\nNone has ever caught him yet, for Tom, he is the master:\nHis songs are stronger songs, and his feet are faster.\n\t\t-- J. R. R. Tolkien\n"}, {"quote": "\nOnce upon this midnight incoherent,\nWhile you pondered sentient and crystalline,\nOver many a broken and subordinate\nVolume of gnarly lore,\nWhile I pestered, nearly singing,\nSudddenly there came a hewing,\nAs of someone profusely skulking,\nSkulking at my chamber door.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne good thing about music,\nWell, it helps you feel no pain.\nSo hit me with music;\nHit me with music now.\n\t\t-- Bob Marley, \"Trenchtown Rock\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne reason why George Washington\nIs held in such veneration:\nHe never blamed his problems\nOn the former Administration.\n\t\t-- George O. Ludcke\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne thing about the past.\nIt's likely to last.\n\t\t-- Ogden Nash\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne toke over the line, sweet Mary,\nOne toke over the line,\nSittin' downtown in a railway station,\nOne toke over the line.\nWaitin' for the train that goes home,\nHopin' that the train is on time,\nSittin' downtown in a railway station,\nOne toke over the line.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOther women cloy\nThe appetites they feed, but she makes hungry\nWhere most she satisfies.\n\t\t-- Antony and Cleopatra\n"}, {"quote": "\nOur little systems have their day;\nThey have their day and cease to be;\nThey are but broken lights of thee.\n\t\t-- Tennyson\n"}, {"quote": "\nOur sires' age was worse that our grandsires'.\nWe their sons are more worthless than they:\nso in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.\n\t\t-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)\n"}, {"quote": "\nParsley\n\t is gharsley.\n\t\t-- Ogden Nash\n"}, {"quote": "\nPayeen to a Twang\nDerrida\nOre-Ida\npotato.\n\nIf you dared,\nI'd ask you\nto go dig\nup your ides under brown-\ntubered skies.\n\nwhere pitchforked\nyou will ask\nDerrida?\n"}, {"quote": "\nPiping down the valleys wild,\nPiping songs of pleasant glee,\nOn a cloud I saw a child,\nAnd he laughing said to me:\n\"Pipe a song about a Lamb!\"\nSo I piped with merry cheer.\n\"Piper, pipe that song again;\"\nSo I piped: he wept to hear.\n\t\t-- William Blake, \"Songs of Innocence\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nPlagiarize, plagiarize,\nLet no man's work evade your eyes,\nRemember why the good Lord made your eyes,\nDon't shade your eyes,\nBut plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize.\nOnly be sure to call it research.\n\t\t-- Tom Lehrer\n"}, {"quote": "\nPlanet Claire has pink hair.\nAll the trees are red.\nNo one ever dies there.\nNo one has a head....\n"}, {"quote": "\nPlease stand for the National Anthem:\n\n\tGod save our Gracious Queen!\n\tLong live our Noble Queen!\n\tGod save the Queen!\n\tSend her victorious,\n\tHappy and glorious,\n\tLong to reign o'er us!\n\tGod save the Queen!\n\nThank you.  You may resume your seat.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPower, like a desolating pestilence,\nPollutes whate'er it touches...\n\t\t-- Percy Bysshe Shelley\n"}, {"quote": "\nProbable-Possible, my black hen,\nShe lays eggs in the Relative When.\nShe doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now\nBecause she's unable to postulate How.\n\t\t-- Frederick Winsor\n"}, {"quote": "\nPut another password in,\nBomb it out, then try again.\nTry to get past logging in,\nWe're hacking, hacking, hacking.\n\nTry his first wife's maiden name,\nThis is more than just a game.\nIt's real fun, but just the same,\nIt's hacking, hacking, hacking.\n\t\t-- To the tune of \"Music, Music, Music?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nrain falls where clouds come\nsun shines where clouds go\nclouds just come and go\n\t\t-- Florian Gutzwiller\n"}, {"quote": "\nRazors pain you;\n\tRivers are damp.\n\tAcids stain you,\nAnd drugs cause cramp.\n\nGuns aren't lawful;\n\tNooses give.\n\tGas smells awful--\nYou might as well live!\n\t\t-- Dorothy Parker, \"Resume\", 1926\n"}, {"quote": "\nReclaimer, spare that tree!\nTake not a single bit!\nIt used to point to me,\nNow I'm protecting it.\nIt was the reader's CONS\nThat made it, paired by dot;\nNow, GC, for the nonce,\nThou shalt reclaim it not.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRemember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be\nworse in Cleveland.\n\t\t-- National Lampoon, \"Deteriorata\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nRemove me from this land of slaves,\nWhere all are fools, and all are knaves,\nWhere every knave and fool is bought, \nYet kindly sells himself for nought;\n\t\t-- Jonathan Swift\n"}, {"quote": "\nRomeo was restless, he was ready to kill,\nHe jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still,\nJuliet was waiting with a safety net,\nSaid \"don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet\".\n\t\t-- Elvis Costello\n"}, {"quote": "\nRoses are red;\n\tViolets are blue.\nI'm schizophrenic,\n\tAnd so am I.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSaturday night in Toledo Ohio,\n\tIs like being nowhere at all,\nAll through the day how the hours rush by,\n\tYou sit in the park and you watch the grass die.\n\t\t-- John Denver, \"Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nSay it with flowers,\nOr say it with mink,\nBut whatever you do,\nDon't say it with ink!\n\t\t-- Jimmie Durante\n"}, {"quote": "\nSay many of cameras focused t'us,\nOur middle-aged shots do us justice.\nNo justice, please, curse ye!\nWe really want mercy:\nYou see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us.\n\t\t-- Thomas H. Hildebrandt\n"}, {"quote": "\nSay!  You've struck a heap of trouble--\nBust in business, lost your wife;\nNo one cares a cent about you,\nYou don't care a cent for life;\nHard luck has of hope bereft you,\nHealth is failing, wish you'd die--\nWhy, you've still the sunshine left you\nAnd the big blue sky.\n\t\t-- R.W. Service\n"}, {"quote": "\nScintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,\nFain how I pause at your nature specific,\nLoftily poised in the ether capacious,\nHighly resembling a gem carbonaceous.\nScintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,\nFain how I pause at your nature specific.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSeduced, shaggy Samson snored.\nShe scissored short.  Sorely shorn,\nSoon shackled slave, Samson sighed,\nSilently scheming,\nSightlessly seeking\nSome savage, spectacular suicide.\n\t\t-- Stanislaw Lem, \"Cyberiad\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nSeek for the Sword that was broken:\nIn Imladris it dwells;\nThere shall be counsels taken\nStronger than Morgul-spells.\n\nThere shall be shown a token\nThat Doom is near at hand,\nFor Isildur's Bane shall waken,\nAnd the Halfling forth shall stand.\n\t\t-- J. R. R. Tolkien\n"}, {"quote": "\nShe asked me, \"What's your sign?\"\nI blinked and answered \"Neon,\"\nI thought I'd blow her mind...\n"}, {"quote": "\nShe blinded me with science!\n"}, {"quote": "\nShe can kill all your files;\nShe can freeze with a frown.\nAnd a wave of her hand brings the whole system down.\nAnd she works on her code until ten after three.\nShe lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me.\n\t\t-- Apologies to Billy Joel\n"}, {"quote": "\nSHIFT TO THE LEFT!\nSHIFT TO THE RIGHT!\nPOP UP, PUSH DOWN,\nBYTE, BYTE, BYTE!\n"}, {"quote": "\nShift to the left,\nShift to the right,\nMask in, mask out,\nBYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nSince I hurt my pendulum\nMy life is all erratic.\nMy parrot who was cordial\nIs now transmitting static.\nThe carpet died, a palm collapsed,\nThe cat keeps doing poo.\nThe only thing that keeps me sane\nIs talking to my shoe.\n\t\t-- My Shoe\n"}, {"quote": "\nSo much\ndepends\nupon\na red\n\nwheel\nbarrow\nglazed with\n\nrain\nwater\nbeside\nthe white\nchickens.\n\t\t-- William Carlos Williams, \"The Red Wheel Barrow\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nSo, you better watch out!\nYou better not cry!\nYou better not pout!\nI'm telling you why,\nSanta Claus is coming, to town.\n\nHe knows when you've been sleeping,\nHe know when you're awake.\nHe knows if you've been bad or good,\nHe has ties with the CIA.\nSo...\n"}, {"quote": "\nSoldiers who wish to be a hero\nAre practically zero,\nBut those who wish to be civilians,\nThey run into the millions.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome of them want to use you,\nSome of them want to be used by you,\n...Everybody's looking for something.\n\t\t-- Eurythmics\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome primal termite knocked on wood.\nAnd tasted it, and found it good.\nAnd that is why your Cousin May\nFell through the parlor floor today.\n\t\t-- Ogden Nash\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome say the world will end in fire,\nSome say in ice.\nFrom what I've tasted of desire\nI hold with those who favor fire.\nBut if it had to perish twice,\nI think I know enough of hate\nTo say that for destruction, ice\nIs also great\nAnd would suffice.\n\t\t-- Robert Frost, \"Fire and Ice\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nSometimes I feel like I'm fading away,\nLooking at me, I got nothin' to say.\nDon't make me angry with the things games that you play,\nEither light up or leave me alone.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSometimes I live in the country,\nAnd sometimes I live in town.\nAnd sometimes I have a great notion,\nTo jump in the river and drown.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSometimes the light's all shining on me,\nOther times I can barely see.\nLately it occurs to me\nWhat a long strange trip it's been.\n\t\t-- The Grateful Dead, \"American Beauty\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nSpeak roughly to your little VAX,\n\tAnd boot it when it crashes;\nIt knows that one cannot relax\n\tBecause the paging thrashes!\n\tWow!  Wow!  Wow!\n\nI speak severely to my VAX,\n\tAnd boot it when it crashes;\nIn spite of all my favorite hacks\n\tMy jobs it always thrashes!\n\tWow!  Wow!  Wow!\n"}, {"quote": "\nSpring is here, spring is here,\nLife is skittles and life is beer.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSt. Patrick was a gentleman\nwho through strategy and stealth\ndrove all the snakes from Ireland.\nHere's a toasting to his health --\nbut not too many toastings\nlest you lose yourself and then\nforget the good St. Patrick\nand see all those snakes again.\n"}, {"quote": "\nStep back, unbelievers!\nOr the rain will never come.\nSomebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum.\nYou may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane,\nBut I swear to you, before this day is out,\n\tyou folks are gonna see some rain!\n"}, {"quote": "\nSuffering alone exists, none who suffer;\nThe deed there is, but no doer thereof;\nNirvana is, but no one is seeking it;\nThe Path there is, but none who travel it.\n\t\t-- \"Buddhist Symbolism\", Symbols and Values\n"}, {"quote": "\nSun in the night, everyone is together,\nAscending into the heavens, life is forever.\n\t\t-- Brand X, \"Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n      /\\\tSUN of them wants to use you,\n     \\\\ \\\n  / \\ \\\\ /\tSUN of them wants to be used by you,\n / / \\/ / //\\\n \\//\\   \\// /\tSUN of them wants to abuse you,\n  / /  /\\  /\n   /  \\\\ \\\tSUN of them wants to be abused ...\n     \\ \\\\\n      \\/\n\t\t-- Eurythmics\n"}, {"quote": "\nSweet sixteen is beautiful Bess,\nAnd her voice is changing -- from \"No\" to \"Yes\".\n"}, {"quote": "\nSystem/3!  System/3!\nSee how it runs!  See how it runs!\n\tIts monitor loses so totally!\n\tIt runs all its programs in RPG!\n\tIt's made by our favorite monopoly!\nSystem/3!\n"}, {"quote": "\nT:\tOne big monster, he called TROLL.\n\tHe don't rock, and he don't roll;\n\tDrink no wine, and smoke no stogies.\n\tHe just Love To Eat Them Roguies.\n\t\t-- The Roguelet's ABC\n"}, {"quote": "\nTake heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting\nenough cheese.\n\t\t-- National Lampoon, \"Deteriorata\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nTan me hide when I'm dead, Fred,\nTan me hide when I'm dead.\nSo we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde,\nIt's hanging there on the shed.\n\nAll together now...\n\tTie me kangaroo down, sport,\n\tTie me kangaroo down.\n\tTie me kangaroo down, sport,\n\tTie me kangaroo down.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTell me why the stars do shine,\nTell me why the ivy twines,\nTell me why the sky's so blue,\nAnd I will tell you just why I love you.\n\n\tNuclear fusion makes stars to shine,\n\tPhototropism makes ivy twine,\n\tRayleigh scattering makes sky so blue,\n\tSexual hormones are why I love you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTell me, O Octopus, I begs,\nIs those things arms, or is they legs?\nI marvel at thee, Octopus;\nIf I were thou, I'd call me us.\n\t\t-- Ogden Nash\n"}, {"quote": "\nThat feeling just came over me.\n\t\t-- Albert DeSalvo, the \"Boston Strangler\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThat money talks,\nI'll not deny,\nI heard it once,\nIt said \"Good-bye.\n\t\t-- Richard Armour\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tThe Advertising Agency Song\n \n\tWhen your client's hopping mad,\n\tPut his picture in the ad.\n\tIf he still should prove refractory,\n\tAdd a picture of his factory.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe all-softening overpowering knell,\nThe tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell.\n\t\t-- Lord Byron\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn,\nSome freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn,\nAnd I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone,\n\tIt's just ONE OF THOSE DAYS!\n\t\t-- Weird Al Yankovic, \"One of Those Days\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe bank sent our statement this morning,\nThe red ink was a sight of great awe!\nTheir figures and mine might have balanced,\nBut my wife was too quick on the draw.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ...\nand the bird is on the wing.\n\t\t-- Omar Khayyam\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe boy stood on the burning deck,\nEating peanuts by the peck.\nHis father called him, but he could not go,\nFor he loved those peanuts so.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe camel has a single hump;\nThe dromedary two;\nOr else the other way around.\nI'm never sure.  Are you?\n\t\t-- Ogden Nash\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe carbonyl is polarized,\nThe delta end is plus.\nThe nucleophile will thus attack,\nThe carbon nucleus.\nAddition makes an alcohol,\nOf types there are but three.\nIt makes a bond, to correspond,\nFrom C to shining C.\n\t\t-- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to \"America the Beautiful\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe common cormorant, or shag,\nLays eggs inside a paper bag;\nThe reason, you will see, no doubt,\nIs to keep the lightning out.\nBut what these unobservant birds\nHave failed to notice is that herds\nOf bears may come with buns\nAnd steal the bags to hold the crumbs.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe difference between us is not very far,\ncruising for burgers in daddy's new car.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe eyes of Texas are upon you,\nAll the livelong day;\nThe eyes of Texas are upon you,\nYou cannot get away;\nDo not think you can escape them\nFrom night 'til early in the morn;\nThe eyes of Texas are upon you\n'Til Gabriel blows his horn.\n\t\t-- University of Texas' school song\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe glances over cocktails\nThat seemed to be so sweet\nDon't seem quite so amorous\nOver Shredded Wheat\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe good (I am convinced, for one)\nIs but the bad one leaves undone.\nOnce your reputation's done\nYou can live a life of fun.\n\t\t-- Wilhelm Busch\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe good life was so elusive\nIt really got me down\nI had to regain some confidence\nSo I got into camouflage\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe grave's a fine and private place,\nbut none, I think, do there embrace.\n\t\t-- Andrew Marvell\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe hope that springs eternal\nSprings right up your behind.\n\t\t-- Ian Drury, \"This Is What We Find\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Junior God now heads the roll\nIn the list of heaven's peers;\nHe sits in the House of High Control,\nAnd he regulates the spheres.\nYet does he wonder, do you suppose,\nIf, even in gods divine,\nThe best and wisest may not be those\nWho have wallowed awhile with the swine?\n\t\t-- Robert W. Service\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe little town that time forgot,\nWhere all the women are strong,\nThe men are good-looking,\nAnd the children above-average.\n\t\t-- Prairie Home Companion\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe makers may make\nand the users may use,\nbut the fixers must fix\nwith but minimal clues\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe man she had was kind and clean\nAnd well enough for every day,\nBut oh, dear friends, you should have seen\nThe one that got away.\n\t\t-- Dorothy Parker, \"The Fisherwoman\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,\n\tMoves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit\nShall lure it back to cancel half a Line,\n\tNor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe net of law is spread so wide,\nNo sinner from its sweep may hide.\nIts meshes are so fine and strong,\nThey take in every child of wrong.\nO wondrous web of mystery!\nBig fish alone escape from thee!\n\t\t-- James Jeffrey Roche\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe night passes quickly when you're asleep\nBut I'm out shufflin' for something to eat\n...\nBreakfast at the Egg House,\nLike the waffle on the griddle,\nI'm burnt around the edges,\nBut I'm tender in the middle.\n\t\t-- Adrian Belew\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe one L lama, he's a priest\nThe two L llama, he's a beast\nAnd I will bet my silk pyjama\nThere isn't any three L lllama.\n\t\t-- O. Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally\n\t\this department responded to something like a \"three L lllama.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Pig, if I am not mistaken,\nGives us ham and pork and Bacon.\nLet others think his heart is big,\nI think it stupid of the Pig.\n\t\t-- Ogden Nash\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher,\n\tWere each of them once a kiddie.\nA child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.\n\tDo I want one?  God Forbiddie!\n\t\t-- Ogden Nash\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Rabbits\t\t\t\tThe Cow\nHere is a verse about rabbits\t\tThe cow is of the bovine ilk;\nThat doesn't mention their habits.\tOne end is moo, the other, milk.\n\t\t-- Ogden Nash\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe rain it raineth on the just\n\tAnd also on the unjust fella,\nBut chiefly on the just, because\n\tThe unjust steals the just's umbrella.\n\t\t-- Lord Bowen\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe rhino is a homely beast,\nFor human eyes he's not a feast.\nFarewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros,\nI'll stare at something less prepoceros.\n\t\t-- Ogden Nash\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Road goes ever on and on\nDown from the door where it began.\nNow far ahead the Road has gone,\nAnd I must follow, if I can,\nPursuing it with eager feet,\nUntil it joins some larger way\nWhere many paths and errands meet.\nAnd whither then?  I cannot say.\n\t\t-- J. R. R. Tolkien\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe street preacher looked so baffled\nWhen I asked him why he dressed\nWith forty pounds of headlines \nStapled to his chest.\nBut he cursed me when I proved to him\nI said, \"Not even you can hide.\nYou see, you're just like me.\nI hope you're satisfied.\"\n\t\t-- Bob Dylan\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe sun was shining on the sea,\nShining with all his might:\nHe did his very best to make\nThe billows smooth and bright --\nAnd this was very odd, because it was\nThe middle of the night.\n\t\t-- Lewis Carroll, \"Through the Looking Glass\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Thought Police are here.  They've come\nTo put you under cardiac arrest.\nAnd as they drag you through the door\nThey tell you that you've failed the test.\n\t\t-- Buggles, \"Living in the Plastic Age\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe thrill is here, but it won't last long\nYou'd better have your fun before it moves along...\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe trouble with a kitten is that\nWhen it grows up, it's always a cat\n\t\t-- Ogden Nash.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe trouble with you\nIs the trouble with me.\nGot two good eyes\nBut we still don't see.\n\t\t-- Robert Hunter, \"Workingman's Dead\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe truth you speak has no past and no future.\nIt is, and that's all it needs to be.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe turtle lives 'twixt plated decks\nWhich practically conceal its sex.\nI think it clever of the turtle\nIn such a fix to be so fertile.\n\t\t-- Ogden Nash\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe weather is here, I wish you were beautiful.\nMy thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away.\nMy girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful.\nHell nobody's perfect, would you like to play?\nI feel together today!\n\t\t-- Jimmy Buffet, \"Coconut Telegraph\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe wind doth taste so bitter sweet,\n\tLike Jaspar wine and sugar,\nIt must have blown through someone's feet,\n\tLike those of Caspar Weinberger.\n\t\t-- P. Opus\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe wombat lives across the seas,\nAmong the far Antipodes.\nHe may exist on nuts and berries,\nOr then again, on missionaries;\nHis distant habitat precludes\nConclusive knowledge of his moods.\nBut I would not engage the wombat\nIn any form of mortal combat.\n\t\t-- \"The Wombat\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe young lady had an unusual list,\nLinked in part to a structural weakness.\nShe set no preconditions.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThen here's to the City of Boston,\nThe town of the cries and the groans.\nWhere the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks,\nAnd the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns.\n\t\t-- Franklin Pierce Adams\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are bad times just around the corner,\nThere are dark clouds hurtling through the sky\n\tAnd it's no good whining \n\tAbout a silver lining\nFor we know from experience that they won't roll by...\n\t\t-- Noel Coward\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is in certain living souls\nA quality of loneliness unspeakable,\nSo great it must be shared\nAs company is shared by lesser beings.\nSuch a loneliness is mine; so know by this\nThat in immensity\nThere is one lonelier than you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is no point in waiting.\nThe train stopped running years ago.\nAll the schedules, the brochures,\nThe bright-colored posters full of lies,\nPromise rides to a distant country\nThat no longer exists.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is something in the pang of change\nMore than the heart can bear,\nUnhappiness remembering happiness.\n\t\t-- Euripides\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere was a little girl\nWho had a little curl\nRight in the middle of her forehead.\nWhen she was good, she was very, very good\nAnd when she was bad, she was very, very popular.\n\t\t-- Max Miller, \"The Max Miller Blue Book\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThey went rushing down that freeway,\nMessed around and got lost.\nThey didn't care... they were just dying to get off,\nAnd it was life in the fast lane.\n\t\t-- Eagles, \"Life in the Fast Lane\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThey wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius,\nThe man said \"We got all that we can use\",\nSo I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin',\nWorking-at-the-car-wash blues.\n\t\t-- Jim Croce\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Thirty days hath Septober,\nApril, June, and no wonder.\nall the rest have peanut butter\nexcept my father who wears red suspenders.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThirty white horses on a red hill,\nFirst they champ,\nThen they stamp,\nThen they stand still.\n\t\t-- Tolkien\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis ae nighte, this ae nighte,\nEverye nighte and alle,\nFire and sleet and candlelyte,\nAnd Christe receive thy saule.\n\t\t-- The Lykewake Dirge\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis here's the wattle,\nThe emblem of our land.\nYou can stick it in a bottle;\nYou can hold it in your hand.\nAmen!\n\t\t-- Monty Python\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis is for all ill-treated fellows\n\tUnborn and unbegot,\nFor them to read when they're in trouble\n\tAnd I am not.\n\t\t-- A. E. Housman\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis is the story of the bee\nWhose sex is very hard to see\n\nYou cannot tell the he from the she\nBut she can tell, and so can he\n\nThe little bee is never still\nShe has no time to take the pill\n\nAnd that is why, in times like these\nThere are so many sons of bees.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis is the way the world ends,\nThis is the way the world ends,\nThis is the way the world ends,\nNot with a bang but with a whimper.\n\t\t-- T.S. Eliot, \"The Hollow Men\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis land is my land, and only my land,\nI've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one,\nIf you don't get off, I'll blow your head off,\nThis land is private property.\n\t\t-- Apologies to Woody Guthrie\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis thing all things devours:\nBirds, beasts, trees, flowers;\nGnaws iron, bites steel;\nGrinds hard stones to meal;\nSlays king, ruins town,\nAnd beats high mountain down.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTiger got to hunt,\nBird got to fly;\nMan got to sit and wonder, \"Why, why, why?\"\n\nTiger got to sleep,\nBird got to land;\nMan got to tell himself he understand.\n\t\t-- The Books of Bokonon\n"}, {"quote": "\nTim and I a hunting went\nWe found three damsels in a tent,\nAs they were three, and we were two,\nI bucked one and Timbuktu.\n\t\t-- the only known poem using the word \"Timbuktu\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nTime goes, you say?\nAh no!\nTime stays, *we* go.\n\t\t-- Austin Dobson\n"}, {"quote": "\nTime washes clean\nLove's wounds unseen.\nThat's what someone told me;\nBut I don't know what it means.\n\t\t-- Linda Ronstadt, \"Long Long Time\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n'Tis the dream of each programmer,\nBefore his life is done,\nTo write three lines of APL,\nAnd make the damn things run.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tTo A Quick Young Fox\nWhy jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,\nDaft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?\nGuy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp--\nZow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.\n\t\t-- Lazy Dog\n"}, {"quote": "\nto be nobody but yourself in a world \nwhich is doing its best night and day\nto make you like everybody else\nmeans to fight the hardest battle\nany human being can fight and\nnever stop fighting.                   \n\t\t-- e.e. cummings\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo err is human,\nTo purr feline.\n\t\t-- Robert Byrne\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo err is human, to purr feline.\nTo err is human, two curs canine.\nTo err is human, to moo bovine.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo stand and be still,\nAt the Birkenhead drill,\nIs a damned tough bullet to chew.\n\t\t-- Rudyard Kipling\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo whom the mornings are like nights,\nWhat must the midnights be!\n\t\t-- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?)\n"}, {"quote": "\nTobacco is a filthy weed,\nThat from the devil does proceed;\nIt drains your purse, it burns your clothes,\nAnd makes a chimney of your nose.\n\t\t-- B. Waterhouse\n"}, {"quote": "\nToo cool to calypso,\nToo tough to tango,\nToo weird to watusi\n\t\t-- The Only Ones\n"}, {"quote": "\nTry not.\nDo.\nOr do not.\nThere is no try.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTwas FORTRAN as the doloop goes\n\tDid logzerneg the ifthen block\nAll kludgy were the function flows\n\tAnd subroutines adhoc.\n\nBeware the runtime-bug my friend\n\tsqurooneg, the false goto\nBeware the infiniteloop\n\tAnd shun the inprectoo.\n\t\t-- \"OUTCONERR,\" to the scheme of \"Jabberwocky\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks\nDid gyre and gimble in their cave\nAll mimsy was the CS-VAX\nAnd Cory raths outgrabe.\n\n\"Beware the software rot, my son!\nThe faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!\nBeware the broken pipe, and shun\nThe frumious system crash!\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nTwenty two thousand days.\nTwenty two thousand days.\nIt's not a lot.\nIt's all you've got.\nTwenty two thousand days.\n\t\t-- Moody Blues, \"Twenty Two Thousand Days\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tTwo men looked out from the prison bars,\n\tOne saw mud--\n\tThe other saw stars.\n\nNow let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window.\nWhile one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit\nin the head.\n"}, {"quote": "\nU:\tThere's a U -- a Unicorn!\n\tRun right up and rub its horn.\n\tLook at all those points you're losing!\n\tUMBER HULKS are so confusing.\n\t\t-- The Roguelet's ABC\n"}, {"quote": "\nUnder the wide and heavy VAX\nDig my grave and let me relax\nLong have I lived, and many my hacks\nAnd I lay me down with a will.\nThese be the words that tell the way:\n\"Here he lies who piped 64K,\nBrought down the machine for nearly a day,\nAnd Rogue playing to an awful standstill.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nUnder the wide and starry sky,\nDig my grave and let me lie,\nGlad did I live and gladly die,\nAnd laid me down with a will,\nAnd this be the verse that you grave for me,\nHere he lies where he longed to be,\nHome is the sailor home from the sea,\nAnd the hunter home from the hill.\n\t\t-- R. Kipling\n"}, {"quote": "\nUp against the net, redneck mother,\nMother who has raised your son so well;\nHe's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh,\nFlaming spelling errors and raisin' hell...\n"}, {"quote": "\nVoicless it cries,\nWingless flutters,\nToothless bites,\nMouthless mutters.\n"}, {"quote": "\nVolcanoes have a grandeur that is grim\nAnd earthquakes only terrify the dolts,\nAnd to him who's scientific\nThere is nothing that's terrific\nIn the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts!\n\t\t-- W.S. Gilbert, \"The Mikado\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWad some power the giftie gie us\nTo see oursels as others see us.\n\t\t-- R. Browning\n"}, {"quote": "\nWake now my merry lads!  Wake and hear me calling!\nWarm now be heart and limb!  The cold stone is fallen;\nDark door is standing wide; dead hand is broken.\nNight under Night is flown, and the Gate is open!\n\t\t-- J. R. R. Tolkien\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe don't need no education, we don't need no thought control.\n\t\t-- Pink Floyd\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe gotta get out of this place,\nIf it's the last thing we ever do.\n\t\t-- The Animals\n"}, {"quote": "\nwe will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,\nwe will cry over things we used to laugh &\nour new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle\ncreatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &\nin the end a summer with wild winds &\nnew friends will be.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe wish you a Hare Krishna\nWe wish you a Hare Krishna\nWe wish you a Hare Krishna\nAnd a Sun Myung Moon!\n\t\t-- Maxwell Smart\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe're happy little Vegemites,\n\tAs bright as bright can be.\nWe all all enjoy our Vegemite\n\tFor breakfast, lunch and tea.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWell, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling,\nAnd some take delight in the hurling and the bowling,\nBut I take delight in the juice of the barley,\nAnd courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat awful irony is this?\nWe are as gods, but know it not.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat did ya do with your burden and your cross?\nDid you carry it yourself or did you cry?\nYou and I know that a burden and a cross,\nCan only be carried on one man's back.\n\t\t-- Louden Wainwright III\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat happens to a dream deferred?\nDoes it dry up\nLike a raisin in the sun?\nOr fester like a sore --\nAnd then run?\nDoes it stink like rotten meat?\nOr crust and sugar over --\nLike a syrupy sweet?\n  \nMaybe it just sags\nLike a heavy load.\n  \nOr does it explode?\n\t\t-- Langston Hughes\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat has roots as nobody sees,\nIs taller than trees,\nUp, up it goes,\nAnd yet never grows?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat pains others pleasures me,\nAt home am I in Lisp or C;\nThere i couch in ecstasy,\n'Til debugger's poke i flee,\nInto kernel memory.\nIn system space, system space, there shall i fare--\nInside of a VAX on a silicon square.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat we Are is God's gift to us.\nWhat we Become is our gift to God.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat's love but a second-hand emotion?\n\t\t-- Tina Turner\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen a lion meets another with a louder roar,\nthe first lion thinks the last a bore.\n\t\t-- G.B. Shaw\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen in panic, fear and doubt,\nDrink in barrels, eat, and shout.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen in trouble or in doubt,\nrun in circles, scream and shout.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen license fees are too high,\nusers do things by hand.\nWhen the management is too intrusive,\nusers lose their spirit.\n\nHack for the user's benefit.\nTrust them; leave them alone.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen love is gone, there's always justice.\nAnd when justice is gone, there's always force.\nAnd when force is gone, there's always Mom.\nHi, Mom!\n\t\t-- Laurie Anderson\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U.\nThe Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points\nAnd Oxygen still had none\nThen Oxygen scored a single goal\nAnd thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1\nCalled because of rain.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you find yourself in danger,\nWhen you're threatened by a stranger,\nWhen it looks like you will take a lickin'...\n\nThere is one thing you should learn,\nWhen there is no one else to turn to,\n\tCaaaall for Super Chicken!!    (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)\n\tCaaaall for Super Chicken!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you meet a master swordsman,\nshow him your sword.\nWhen you meet a man who is not a poet,\ndo not show him your poem.\n\t\t-- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you're a Yup\nYou're a Yup all the way\nFrom your first slice of Brie\nTo your last Cabernet.\n\nWhen you're a Yup\nYou're not just a dreamer\nYou're making things happen\nYou're driving a Beamer.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you're away, I'm restless, lonely,\nWretched, bored, dejected; only\nHere's the rub, my darling dear\nI feel the same when you are near.\n\t\t-- Samuel Hoffenstein, \"When You're Away\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWHERE CAN THE MATTER BE\n\tOh, dear, where can the matter be\n\tWhen it's converted to energy?\n\tThere is a slight loss of parity.\n\tJohnny's so long at the fair.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhere's the man could ease a heart\nLike a satin gown?\n\t\t-- Dorothy Parker, \"The Satin Dress\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest,\nDo not cease your single-handed struggle.\nGo on, do not rest.\n\t\t-- An old Gujarati hymn\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhether you can hear it or not,\nThe Universe is laughing behind your back.\n\t\t-- National Lampoon, \"Deteriorata\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhip it, baby.\nWhip it right.\nWhip it, baby.\nWhip it all night!\n"}, {"quote": "\nWho does not love wine, women, and song,\nRemains a fool his whole life long.\n\t\t-- Johann Heinrich Voss\n"}, {"quote": "\nWho loves not wisely but too well\nWill look on Helen's face in hell,\nBut he whose love is thin and wise\nWill view John Knox in Paradise.\n\t\t-- Dorothy Parker\n"}, {"quote": "\nWho made the world I cannot tell;\n'Tis made, and here am I in hell.\nMy hand, though now my knuckles bleed,\nI never soiled with such a deed.\n\t\t-- A.E. Housman\n"}, {"quote": "\nWho to himself is law no law doth need,\noffends no law, and is a king indeed.\n\t\t-- George Chapman\n"}, {"quote": "\nWith/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?\n\t\t-- Pink Floyd\n"}, {"quote": "\nWoke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer,\nYeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer\nThe future's uncertain and the end is always near.\n\t\t-- Jim Morrison, \"Roadhouse Blues\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWoke up this morning, don't believe what I saw.\nHundred billion bottles washed up on the shore.\nSeems I'm not alone in being alone.\nHundred billion castaways looking for a call.\n\t\t-- The Police, \"Message in a Bottle\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nYea from the table of my memory\nI'll wipe away all trivial fond records.\n\t\t-- Hamlet\n"}, {"quote": "\nYes me, I got a bottle in front of me.\nAnd Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy.\nJust different ways to kill the pain the same.\nBut I'd rather have a bottle in front of me,\nThan to have to have a frontal lobotomy.\nI might be drunk but at least I'm not insane.\n\t\t-- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock)\n"}, {"quote": "\nYesterday upon the stair\nI met a man who wasn't there.\nHe wasn't there again today --\nI think he's from the CIA.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues,\nAnd you know it don't come easy ...\nI don't ask for much, I only want trust,\nAnd you know it don't come easy ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou know my heart keeps tellin' me,\nYou're not a kid at thirty-three,\nYou play around you lose your wife,\nYou play too long, you lose your life.\nSome gotta win, some gotta lose,\nGoodtime Charlie's got the blues.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou may be right, I may be crazy,\nBut it just may be a lunatic you're looking for!\n\t\t-- Billy Joel\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will find me drinking gin\nIn the lowest kind of inn,\nBecause I am a rigid Vegetarian.\n\t\t-- G.K. Chesterton\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou'll always be,\nWhat you always were,\nWhich has nothing to do with,\nAll to do, with her.\n\t\t-- Company\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour wise men don't know how it feels\nTo be thick as a brick.\n\t\t-- Jethro Tull, \"Thick As A Brick\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour worship is your furnaces\nwhich, like old idols, lost obscenes,\nhave molten bowels; your vision is\nmachines for making more machines.\n\t\t-- Gordon Bottomley, 1874\n"}, {"quote": "\nYours is not to reason why,\nJust to Sail Away.\nAnd when you find you have to throw\nYour Legacy away;\nRemember life as was it is,\nAnd is as it were;\nChasing sounds across the galaxy\n'Till silence is but a blur.\n\t\t-- QYX.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet.\nHis next biggest thrill is losing a bet.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.\n\t\t-- Yogi Berra\n"}, {"quote": "\nA putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as\n\"you could blow it in\" may be blown in.  This rule does not apply if\nthe ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants\nto make a travesty of the game.\n\t\t-- Donald A. Metz\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Ain't that something what happened today.  One of us got traded to\nKansas City.\"\n\t\t-- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd\n\t\t   been traded.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely\nthan others.\n\t\t-- Alan Truscott\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlthough golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants,\ntoday it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.\n\t\t-- Dave Barry\n"}, {"quote": "\n[Babe] Ruth made a big mistake when he gave up pitching.\n\t\t-- Tris Speaker, 1921\n"}, {"quote": "\nBill Dickey is learning me his experience.\n\t\t-- Yogi Berra in his rookie season.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCheck me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers...\nthey're gonna lock me up and throw away the key!\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't let go of what you've got hold of, until you have hold of something else.\n\t\t-- First Rule of Wing Walking\n"}, {"quote": "\nEasiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:\tBlack.\n\nSimply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of\nside of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath\n-- black.  According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved.\n\t\t-- Steve Rubenstein\n"}, {"quote": "\nEver feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book?\n"}, {"quote": "\nEver feel like you're the head pin on life's bowling alley, and everyone's\nrolling strikes?\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvery creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.\n\t\t-- Snoopy\n"}, {"quote": "\nFlying is the second greatest feeling you can have.  The greatest feeling?\nLanding...  Landing is the greatest feeling you can have.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFootball builds self-discipline.  What else would induce a spectator to\nsit out in the open in subfreezing weather?\n"}, {"quote": "\nFootball combines the two worst features of American life.\nIt is violence punctuated by committee meetings.\n\t\t-- George F. Will, \"Men At Work:  The Craft of Baseball\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nFootball is a game designed to keep coalminers off the streets.\n\t\t-- Jimmy Breslin\n"}, {"quote": "\nFortune finishes the great quotations, #15\n\n\t\"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.\"\n\tAnd while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas\n\tCowboy cheerleaders.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL:\t\t#14\n\tThe Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman \"The Babe\"\nRuth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFrom 0 to \"what seems to be the problem officer\" in 8.3 seconds.\n\t\t-- Ad for the new VW Corrado\n"}, {"quote": "\nGive a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.  Teach a man to fish,\nand he'll invite himself over for dinner.\n\t\t-- Calvin Keegan\n"}, {"quote": "\nGive me a fish and I will eat today.\n\nTeach me to fish and I will eat forever.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGo directly to jail.  Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHorse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.\n\t\t-- W. C. Fields\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow can you think and hit at the same time?\n\t\t-- Yogi Berra\n"}, {"quote": "\nI always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's accomplishments.\nThe front page has nothing but man's failures.\n\t\t-- Chief Justice Earl Warren\n"}, {"quote": "\nI believe that professional wrestling is clean and everything else in\nthe world is fixed.\n\t\t-- Frank Deford, sports writer\n"}, {"quote": "\nI can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.\n\t\t-- Florence Henderson\n"}, {"quote": "\nI guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took\ntime enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to\nwin -- or even how you won.\n\t\t-- Cash McCall\n"}, {"quote": "\nI guess the Little League is even littler than we thought.\n\t\t-- D. Cavett\n"}, {"quote": "\nI just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field.\n\t\t-- Casey Stengel\n"}, {"quote": "\nI like your game but we have to change the rules.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI never met a man I didn't want to fight.\n\t\t-- Lyle Alzado, professional football lineman\n"}, {"quote": "\nI went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that\nit took seven others to beat him!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one,\nbut a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already\nbecause there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even\nafter we've been home a long while.\n\t\t-- Casey Stengel\n"}, {"quote": "\nI would rather say that a desire to drive fast sports cars is what sets\nman apart from the animals.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees.  And I want to\nthank everyone for making this night necessary.\n\t\t-- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm glad we don't have to play in the shade.\n\t\t-- Golfer Bobby Jones on being told that it was 105 degrees\n\t\t   in the shade.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI've only got 12 cards.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped.\nThe law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position\nin the atmosphere without something to support it must drop.  The law of\ngravity supercedes the law of golf.\n\t\t-- Donald A. Metz\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf people concentrated on the really important things in life,\nthere'd be a shortage of fishing poles.\n\t\t-- Doug Larson\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the\nway they do?\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tIf you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of\neverything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then\nwe'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf.\n\tBoth those things sound pretty good to me.\n\t\t-- Sparky Anderson\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up.  You're\nthe sucker.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards.\n\t\t-- Harry Blackstone\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you're carrying a torch, put it down.  The Olympics are over.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground\nwith clubs and uttering spine chilling cries.  Anthropologists call\nthis a form of primitive self-expression.  In America we call it golf.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it made the World Series\njust something that came later.\n\t\t-- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt gets late early out there.\n\t\t-- Yogi Berra\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt has long been known that one horse can run faster than another --\nbut which one?  Differences are crucial.\n\t\t-- Lazarus Long\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's like deja vu all over again.\n\t\t-- Yogi Berra\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game.\n\t\t-- Grantland Rice\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKeep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it.\n\t\t-- Tom Stoppard, \"Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is a game.  In order to have a game, something has to be more\nimportant than something else.  If what already is, is more important\nthan what isn't, the game is over.  So, life is a game in which what\nisn't, is more important than what is.  Let the good times roll.\n\t\t-- Werner Erhard\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLook, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game.  You want us\nto pay income taxes, too?\n\t\t-- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove means nothing to a tennis player.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives\nconnected by a thin strand.\n\nCome on, Marta, grow up.\n\t\t-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, \"You know most\nof these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its\nterritory from invasion by another group.\"\n\n\"Yeah,\" I said, trying not to laugh.  Girls are funny.\n\t\t-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tMax told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills.\nSaid he, \"I'm an anti-climb Max.\"\n\t[So is that punchline.]\n"}, {"quote": "\nMost people's favorite way to end a game is by winning.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy way of joking is to tell the truth.  That's the funniest joke in the world.\n\t\t-- Muhammad Ali\n"}, {"quote": "\nNadia Comaneci, simple perfection.\n\t\t-- '76 Olympics\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever play pool with anyone named \"Fats\".\n"}, {"quote": "\nNEWS FLASH!!\nToday the East German pole-vault champion became the West German pole-vault\nchampion.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing increases your golf score like witnesses.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNow there's three things you can do in a baseball game: you can win\nor you can lose or it can rain.\n\t\t-- Casey Stengel\n"}, {"quote": "\nOn Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the\nsame moment -- halftime.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne thought driven home is better than three left on base.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.\n"}, {"quote": "\nP-K4\n"}, {"quote": "\nRepel them.  Repel them.  Induce them to relinquish the spheroid.\n\t\t-- Indiana University football cheer\n"}, {"quote": "\nReporter:   \"What would you do if you found a million dollars?\"\nYogi Berra: \"If the guy was poor, I would give it back.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nRick:\t\"How can you close me up?  On what grounds?\"\nRenault: \"I'm shocked!  Shocked!  To find that gambling is going on here.\"\nCroupier (handing money to Renault): \"Your winnings, sir.\"\nRenault:\"Oh.  Thank you very much.\"\n\t\t-- Casablanca\n"}, {"quote": "\nRube Walker: \"Hey, Yogi, what time is it?\"\nYogi Berra:  \"You mean now?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nRuth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching.  Working once a week,\nhe might have lasted a long time and become a great star.\n\t\t-- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change\n\t\t   from being a pitcher to an outfielder.\n\t\t   Cerf/Navasky, \"The Experts Speak\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nSailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.\n\t\t-- Heard on Noahs' ark\n"}, {"quote": "\nShow me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot.\nShow me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade.\n\t\t-- Leo Durocher\n"}, {"quote": "\nSo I'm ugly.  So what?  I never saw anyone hit with his face.\n\t\t-- Yogi Berra\n"}, {"quote": "\nSupport Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTeamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThat's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows\nreturning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball.\n\t\t-- Bill Veeck\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the\nbiblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to\nthem were fishermen.\n\t\t-- Arthur Binstead\n"}, {"quote": "\nTHE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time\nto hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the floor.\n\n\"Sorry,\" he said with a smile.\n\t\t-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe one sure way to make a lazy man look respectable is to put a fishing\nrod in his hand.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe real problem with hunting elephants is carrying the decoys.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe surest way to remain a winner is to win once, and then not play any more.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie\nPhilbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall.  Philbin is said\nto make up for no talent by cheating well.  Says Philbin of his decision\nto attend Cal, \"I'm in it for the free ride.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable\nthat I assume it must be evil.\n\t\t-- Heywood Broun\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe whole of life is futile unless you consider it as a sporting proposition.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThey also surf who only stand on waves.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,\ncall it the target.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTrust everybody, but cut the cards.\n\t\t-- Finlay Peter Dunne, \"Mr. Dooley's Philosophy\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tTwo brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail.  While Bill has a great\ndeal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen in doubt, lead trump.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWinning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWinning isn't everything.  It's the only thing.\n\t\t-- Vince Lombardi\n"}, {"quote": "\nWoman:      \"Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?\"\nYogi Berra: \"No, ma'am, its not even carbonated.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nA father doesn't destroy his children.\n\t\t-- Lt. Carolyn Palamas, \"Who Mourns for Adonais?\",\n\t\t   stardate 3468.1.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA little suffering is good for the soul.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"The Corbomite Maneuver\", stardate 1514.0\n"}, {"quote": "\nA man either lives life as it happens to him, meets it head-on and\nlicks it, or he turns his back on it and starts to wither away.\n\t\t-- Dr. Boyce, \"The Menagerie\" (\"The Cage\"), stardate unknown\n"}, {"quote": "\nA princess should not be afraid -- not with a brave knight to protect her.\n\t\t-- McCoy, \"Shore Leave\", stardate 3025.3\n"}, {"quote": "\nA star captain's most solemn oath is that he will give his life, even\nhis entire crew, rather than violate the Prime Directive.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"The Omega Glory\", stardate unknown\n"}, {"quote": "\nA Vulcan can no sooner be disloyal than he can exist without breathing.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"The Menagerie\", stardate 3012.4\n"}, {"quote": "\nA woman should have compassion.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"Catspaw\", stardate 3018.2\n"}, {"quote": "\nActual war is a very messy business.  Very, very messy business.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"A Taste of Armageddon\", stardate 3193.0\n"}, {"quote": "\nAfter a time, you may find that \"having\" is not so pleasing a thing,\nafter all, as \"wanting.\"  It is not logical, but it is often true.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"Amok Time\", stardate 3372.7\n"}, {"quote": "\nAhead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll your people must learn before you can reach for the stars.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"The Gamesters of Triskelion\", stardate 3259.2\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnother Armenia, Belgium ... the weak innocents who always seem to be\nlocated on a natural invasion route.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"Errand of Mercy\", stardate 3198.4\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnother dream that failed.  There's nothing sadder.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"This side of Paradise\", stardate 3417.3\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnother war ... must it always be so?  How many comrades have we lost\nin this way? ...  Obedience.  Duty.  Death, and more death ...\n\t\t-- Romulan Commander, \"Balance of Terror\", stardate 1709.2\n"}, {"quote": "\n... bacteriological warfare ... hard to believe we were once foolish\nenough to play around with that.\n\t\t-- McCoy, \"The Omega Glory\", stardate unknown\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeam me up, Scotty!\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeam me up, Scotty!  It ate my phaser!\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"Beauty is transitory.\"\n\t\"Beauty survives.\"\n\t\t-- Spock and Kirk, \"That Which Survives\", stardate unknown\n"}, {"quote": "\nBehind every great man, there is a woman -- urging him on.\n\t\t-- Harry Mudd, \"I, Mudd\", stardate 4513.3\n"}, {"quote": "\nBlast medicine anyway!  We've learned to tie into every organ in the\nhuman body but one.  The brain!  The brain is what life is all about.\n\t\t-- McCoy, \"The Menagerie\", stardate 3012.4\n"}, {"quote": "\nBones: \"The man's DEAD, Jim!\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nBut Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer!\n"}, {"quote": "\nBut it's real.  And if it's real it can be affected ...  we may not be able\nto break it, but, I'll bet you credits to Navy Beans we can put a dent in it.\n\t\t-- deSalle, \"Catspaw\", stardate 3018.2\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Can you imagine how life could be improved if we could do away with\njealousy, greed, hate ...\"\n\n\"It can also be improved by eliminating love, tenderness, sentiment --\nthe other side of the coin\"\n\t\t-- Dr. Roger Corby and Kirk, \"What are Little Girls Made Of?\",\n\t\t   stardate 2712.4\n"}, {"quote": "\nCaptain's Log, star date 21:34.5...\n"}, {"quote": "\nChange is the essential process of all existence.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"Let That Be Your Last Battlefield\", stardate 5730.2\n"}, {"quote": "\nCompassion -- that's the one things no machine ever had.  Maybe it's\nthe one thing that keeps men ahead of them.\n\t\t-- McCoy, \"The Ultimate Computer\", stardate 4731.3\n"}, {"quote": "\nComputers make excellent and efficient servants, but I have no wish to\nserve under them.  Captain, a starship also runs on loyalty to one\nman.  And nothing can replace it or him.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"The Ultimate Computer\", stardate 4729.4\n"}, {"quote": "\nConquest is easy. Control is not.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"Mirror, Mirror\", stardate unknown\n"}, {"quote": "\nDammit Jim, I'm an actor, not a doctor.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDeath, when unnecessary, is a tragic thing.\n\t\t-- Flint, \"Requiem for Methuselah\", stardate 5843.7\n"}, {"quote": "\nDeath.  Destruction.  Disease.  Horror.  That's what war is all about.\nThat's what makes it a thing to be avoided.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"A Taste of Armageddon\", stardate 3193.0\n"}, {"quote": "\nDeflector shields just came on, Captain.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo you know about being with somebody?  Wanting to be?  If I had the\nwhole universe, I'd give it to you, Janice.  When I see you, I feel\nlike I'm hungry all over.  Do you know how that feels?\n\t\t-- Charlie Evans, \"Charlie X\", stardate 1535.8\n"}, {"quote": "\n[Doctors and Bartenders], We both get the same two kinds of customers\n-- the living and the dying.\n\t\t-- Dr. Boyce, \"The Menagerie\" (\"The Cage\"), stardate unknown\n"}, {"quote": "\nEach kiss is as the first.\n\t\t-- Miramanee, Kirk's wife, \"The Paradise Syndrome\",\n\t\t   stardate 4842.6\n"}, {"quote": "\nEarth -- mother of the most beautiful women in the universe.\n\t\t-- Apollo, \"Who Mourns for Adonais?\" stardate 3468.1\n"}, {"quote": "\nEither one of us, by himself, is expendable.  Both of us are not.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"The Devil in the Dark\", stardate 3196.1\n"}, {"quote": "\nEmotions are alien to me.  I'm a scientist.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"This Side of Paradise\", stardate 3417.3\n"}, {"quote": "\nEven historians fail to learn from history -- they repeat the same mistakes.\n\t\t-- John Gill, \"Patterns of Force\", stardate 2534.7\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvery living thing wants to survive.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"The Ultimate Computer\", stardate 4731.3\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"Evil does seek to maintain power by suppressing the truth.\"\n\t\"Or by misleading the innocent.\"\n\t\t-- Spock and McCoy, \"And The Children Shall Lead\",\n\t\t   stardate 5029.5.\n"}, {"quote": "\nExtreme feminine beauty is always disturbing.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"The Cloud Minders\", stardate 5818.4\n"}, {"quote": "\nFascinating is a word I use for the unexpected.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"The Squire of Gothos\", stardate 2124.5\n"}, {"quote": "\nFascinating, a totally parochial attitude.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"Metamorphosis\", stardate 3219.8\n"}, {"quote": "\nFirst study the enemy.  Seek weakness.\n\t\t-- Romulan Commander, \"Balance of Terror\", stardate 1709.2\n"}, {"quote": "\nFour thousand throats may be cut in one night by a running man.\n\t\t-- Klingon Soldier, \"Day of the Dove\", stardate unknown\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"... freedom ... is a worship word...\"\n\t\"It is our worship word too.\"\n\t\t-- Cloud William and Kirk, \"The Omega Glory\", stardate unknown\n"}, {"quote": "\nGenius doesn't work on an assembly line basis.  You can't simply say,\n\"Today I will be brilliant.\"\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"The Ultimate Computer\", stardate 4731.3\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"Get back to your stations!\"\n\t\"We're beaming down to the planet, sir.\"\n\t\t-- Kirk and Mr. Leslie, \"This Side of Paradise\",\n\t\t   stardate 3417.3\n"}, {"quote": "\nHailing frequencies open, Captain.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe's dead, Jim.\n\t\t-- McCoy, \"The Devil in the Dark\", stardate 3196.1\n"}, {"quote": "\nHistory tends to exaggerate.\n\t\t-- Col. Green, \"The Savage Curtain\", stardate 5906.4\n"}, {"quote": "\nHumans do claim a great deal for that particular emotion (love).\n\t\t-- Spock, \"The Lights of Zetar\", stardate 5725.6\n"}, {"quote": "\nI am pleased to see that we have differences.  May we together become\ngreater than the sum of both of us.\n\t\t-- Surak of Vulcan, \"The Savage Curtain\", stardate 5906.4\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to\nany question.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"This Side of Paradise\", stardate 3417.3\n"}, {"quote": "\nI object to intellect without discipline;  I object to power without\nconstructive purpose.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"The Squire of Gothos\", stardate 2124.5\n"}, {"quote": "\nI realize that command does have its fascination, even under\ncircumstances such as these, but I neither enjoy the idea of command\nnor am I frightened of it.  It simply exists, and I will do whatever\nlogically needs to be done.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"The Galileo Seven\", stardate 2812.7\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"I think they're going to take all this money that we spend now on war\nand death --\"\n\t\"And make them spend it on life.\"\n\t\t-- Edith Keeler and Kirk, \"The City on the Edge of Forever\",\n\t\t   stardate unknown.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI thought my people would grow tired of killing.  But you were right,\nthey see it is easier than trading.  And it has its pleasures.  I feel\nit myself.  Like the hunt, but with richer rewards.\n\t\t-- Apella, \"A Private Little War\", stardate 4211.8\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm a soldier, not a diplomat.  I can only tell the truth.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"Errand of Mercy\", stardate 3198.9\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm frequently appalled by the low regard you Earthmen have for life.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"The Galileo Seven\", stardate 2822.3\n"}, {"quote": "\nI've already got a female to worry about.  Her name is the Enterprise.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"The Corbomite Maneuver\", stardate 1514.0\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf a man had a child who'd gone anti-social, killed perhaps, he'd still\ntend to protect that child.\n\t\t-- McCoy, \"The Ultimate Computer\", stardate 4731.3\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf I can have honesty, it's easier to overlook mistakes.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"Space Seed\", stardate 3141.9\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf some day we are defeated, well, war has its fortunes, good and bad.\n\t\t-- Commander Kor, \"Errand of Mercy\", stardate 3201.7\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"This Side of Paradise\", stardate 3417.7\n"}, {"quote": "\nImmortality consists largely of boredom.\n\t\t-- Zefrem Cochrane, \"Metamorphosis\", stardate 3219.8\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn the strict scientific sense we all feed on death -- even vegetarians.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"Wolf in the Fold\", stardate 3615.4\n"}, {"quote": "\nInsufficient facts always invite danger.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"Space Seed\", stardate 3141.9\n"}, {"quote": "\nInsults are effective only where emotion is present.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"Who Mourns for Adonais?\"  stardate 3468.1\n"}, {"quote": "\nIntuition, however illogical, is recognized as a command prerogative.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"Obsession\", stardate 3620.7\n"}, {"quote": "\nIs not that the nature of men and women -- that the pleasure is in the\nlearning of each other?\n\t\t-- Natira, the High Priestess of Yonada, \"For the World is\n\t\t   Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky\", stardate 5476.3.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIs truth not truth for all?\n\t\t-- Natira, \"For the World is Hollow and I have Touched\n\t\t   the Sky\", stardate 5476.4.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt [being a Vulcan] means to adopt a philosophy, a way of life which is\nlogical and beneficial.  We cannot disregard that philosophy merely for\npersonal gain, no matter how important that gain might be.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"Journey to Babel\", stardate 3842.4\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is a human characteristic to love little animals, especially if\nthey're attractive in some way.\n\t\t-- McCoy, \"The Trouble with Tribbles\", stardate 4525.6\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is more rational to sacrifice one life than six.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"The Galileo Seven\", stardate 2822.3\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is necessary to have purpose.\n\t\t-- Alice #1, \"I, Mudd\", stardate 4513.3\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is undignified for a woman to play servant to a man who is not hers.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"Amok Time\", stardate 3372.7\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt would be illogical to assume that all conditions remain stable.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"The Enterprise\" Incident\", stardate 5027.3\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt would be illogical to kill without reason.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"Journey to Babel\", stardate 3842.4\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt would seem that evil retreats when forcibly confronted.\n\t\t-- Yarnek of Excalbia, \"The Savage Curtain\", stardate 5906.5\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"It's hard to believe that something which is neither seen nor felt can\ndo so much harm.\"\n\t\"That's true.  But an idea can't be seen or felt.  And that's what kept\nthe Troglytes in the mines all these centuries.  A mistaken idea.\"\n\t\t-- Vanna and Kirk, \"The Cloud Minders\", stardate 5819.0\n"}, {"quote": "\nKilling is stupid; useless!\n\t\t-- McCoy, \"A Private Little War\", stardate 4211.8\n"}, {"quote": "\nKilling is wrong.\n\t\t-- Losira, \"That Which Survives\", stardate unknown\n"}, {"quote": "\nKirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKlingon phaser attack from front!!!!!\n100"}, {"quote": " Damage to life support!!!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nKnowledge, sir, should be free to all!\n\t\t-- Harry Mudd, \"I, Mudd\", stardate 4513.3\n"}, {"quote": "\nLandru! Guide us!\n\t\t-- A Beta 3-oid, \"The Return of the Archons\", stardate 3157.4\n"}, {"quote": "\nLeave bigotry in your quarters; there's no room for it on the bridge.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"Balance of Terror\", stardate 1709.2\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"Life and death are seldom logical.\"\n\t\"But attaining a desired goal always is.\"\n\t\t-- McCoy and Spock, \"The Galileo Seven\", stardate 2821.7\n"}, {"quote": "\nLive long and prosper.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"Amok Time\", stardate 3372.7\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here.\"\n\t\"You admit that?\"\n\t\"To deny the facts would be illogical, Doctor\"\n\t\t-- Spock and McCoy, \"A Piece of the Action\", stardate unknown\n"}, {"quote": "\nLots of people drink from the wrong bottle sometimes.\n\t\t-- Edith Keeler, \"The City on the Edge of Forever\",\n\t\t   stardate unknown\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove sometimes expresses itself in sacrifice.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"Metamorphosis\", stardate 3220.3\n"}, {"quote": "\nMadness has no purpose.  Or reason.  But it may have a goal.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"The Alternative Factor\", stardate 3088.7\n"}, {"quote": "\nMany Myths are based on truth\n\t\t-- Spock, \"The Way to Eden\",  stardate 5832.3\n"}, {"quote": "\nMen of peace usually are [brave].\n\t\t-- Spock, \"The Savage Curtain\", stardate 5906.5\n"}, {"quote": "\nMen will always be men -- no matter where they are.\n\t\t-- Harry Mudd, \"Mudd's Women\", stardate 1329.8\n"}, {"quote": "\nMilitary secrets are the most fleeting of all.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"The Enterprise Incident\", stardate 5027.4\n"}, {"quote": "\nMind your own business, Spock.  I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMost legends have their basis in facts.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"And The Children Shall Lead\", stardate 5029.5\n"}, {"quote": "\nMurder is contrary to the laws of man and God.\n\t\t-- M-5 Computer, \"The Ultimate Computer\", stardate 4731.3\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo more blah, blah, blah!\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"Miri\", stardate 2713.6\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo one can guarantee the actions of another.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"Day of the Dove\", stardate unknown\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo one may kill a man.  Not for any purpose.  It cannot be condoned.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"Spock's Brain\", stardate 5431.6\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"No one talks peace unless he's ready to back it up with war.\"\n\t\"He talks of peace if it is the only way to live.\"\n\t\t-- Colonel Green and Surak of Vulcan, \"The Savage Curtain\",\n\t\t   stardate 5906.5.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo one wants war.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"Errand of Mercy\", stardate 3201.7\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo problem is insoluble.\n\t\t-- Dr. Janet Wallace, \"The Deadly Years\", stardate 3479.4\n"}, {"quote": "\nNot one hundred percent efficient, of course ... but nothing ever is.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"Metamorphosis\", stardate 3219.8\n"}, {"quote": "\nOblivion together does not frighten me, beloved.\n\t\t-- Thalassa (in Anne Mulhall's body), \"Return to Tomorrow\",\n\t\t   stardate 4770.3.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOh, that sound of male ego.  You travel halfway across the galaxy and\nit's still the same song.\n\t\t-- Eve McHuron, \"Mudd's Women\", stardate 1330.1\n"}, {"quote": "\nOn my planet, to rest is to rest -- to cease using energy.  To me, it\nis quite illogical to run up and down on green grass, using energy,\ninstead of saving it.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"Shore Leave\", stardate 3025.2\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne does not thank logic.\n\t\t-- Sarek, \"Journey to Babel\", stardate 3842.4\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne of the advantages of being a captain is being able to ask for\nadvice without necessarily having to take it.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"Dagger of the Mind\", stardate 2715.2\n"}, {"quote": "\nOnly a fool fights in a burning house.\n\t\t-- Kank the Klingon, \"Day of the Dove\", stardate unknown\n"}, {"quote": "\nOur missions are peaceful -- not for conquest.  When we do battle, it\nis only because we have no choice.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"The Squire of Gothos\", stardate 2124.5\n"}, {"quote": "\nOur way is peace.\n\t\t-- Septimus, the Son Worshiper, \"Bread and Circuses\",\n\t\t   stardate 4040.7.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPain is a thing of the mind.  The mind can be controlled.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"Operation -- Annihilate!\" stardate 3287.2\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeace was the way.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"The City on the Edge of Forever\", stardate unknown\n"}, {"quote": "\nPhasers locked on target, Captain.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPower is danger.\n\t\t-- The Centurion, \"Balance of Terror\", stardate 1709.2\n"}, {"quote": "\nPrepare for tomorrow -- get ready.\n\t\t-- Edith Keeler, \"The City On the Edge of Forever\",\n\t\t   stardate unknown\n"}, {"quote": "\nPunishment becomes ineffective after a certain point.  Men become insensitive.\n\t\t-- Eneg, \"Patterns of Force\", stardate 2534.7\n"}, {"quote": "\nRespect is a rational process\n\t\t-- McCoy, \"The Galileo Seven\", stardate 2822.3\n"}, {"quote": "\nRomulan women are not like Vulcan females.  We are not dedicated to\npure logic and the sterility of non-emotion.\n\t\t-- Romulan Commander, \"The Enterprise Incident\",\n\t\t   stardate 5027.3\n"}, {"quote": "\nSchshschshchsch.\n\t\t-- The Gorn, \"Arena\", stardate 3046.2\n"}, {"quote": "\nShe won' go Warp 7, Cap'n!  The batteries are dead!\n"}, {"quote": "\nSometimes a feeling is all we humans have to go on.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"A Taste of Armageddon\", stardate 3193.9\n"}, {"quote": "\nSometimes a man will tell his bartender things he'll never tell his doctor.\n\t\t-- Dr. Phillip Boyce, \"The Menagerie\" (\"The Cage\"),\n\t\t   stardate unknown.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSpace: the final frontier.  These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.\nIts five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life\nand new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before.\n\t\t-- Captain James T. Kirk\n"}, {"quote": "\nSpock: The odds of surviving another attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSpock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.\n"}, {"quote": "\nStar Trek Lives!\n"}, {"quote": "\nSuffocating together ... would create heroic camaraderie.\n\t\t-- Khan Noonian Singh, \"Space Seed\", stardate 3142.8\n"}, {"quote": "\nSuperior ability breeds superior ambition.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"Space Seed\", stardate 3141.9\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"That unit is a woman.\"\n\t\"A mass of conflicting impulses.\"\n\t\t-- Spock and Nomad, \"The Changeling\", stardate 3541.9\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank.\n\t\t-- Scotty\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"The combination of a number of things to make existence worthwhile.\"\n\t\"Yes, the philosophy of 'none,' meaning 'all.'\"\n\t\t-- Spock and Lincoln, \"The Savage Curtain\", stardate 5906.4\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe face of war has never changed.  Surely it is more logical to heal\nthan to kill.\n\t\t-- Surak of Vulcan, \"The Savage Curtain\", stardate 5906.5\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe games have always strengthened us.  Death becomes a familiar\npattern.  We don't fear it as you do.\n\t\t-- Proconsul Marcus Claudius, \"Bread and Circuses\",\n\t\t   stardate 4041.2\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"The glory of creation is in its infinite diversity.\"\n\t\"And in the way our differences combine to create meaning and beauty.\"\n\t\t-- Dr. Miranda Jones and Spock, \"Is There in Truth No Beauty?\",\n\t\t   stardate 5630.8\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe heart is not a logical organ.\n\t\t-- Dr. Janet Wallace, \"The Deadly Years\", stardate 3479.4\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe idea of male and female are universal constants.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"Metamorphosis\", stardate 3219.8\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe joys of love made her human and the agonies of love destroyed her.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"Requiem for Methuselah\", stardate 5842.8\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe man on tops walks a lonely street; the \"chain\" of command is often a noose.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe more complex the mind, the greater the need for the simplicity of play.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"Shore Leave\", stardate 3025.8\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only solution is ... a balance of power.  We arm our side with exactly\nthat much more.  A balance of power -- the trickiest, most difficult,\ndirtiest game of them all.  But the only one that preserves both sides.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"A Private Little War\", stardate 4211.8\n"}, {"quote": "\n... The prejudices people feel about each other disappear when then get\nto know each other.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"Elaan of Troyius\", stardate 4372.5\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"The release of emotion is what keeps us health.  Emotionally healthy.\"\n\t\"That may be, Doctor.  However, I have noted that the healthy release\nof emotion is frequently unhealthy for those closest to you.\"\n\t\t-- McCoy and Spock, \"Plato's Stepchildren\", stardate 5784.3\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe sight of death frightens them [Earthers].\n\t\t-- Kras the Klingon, \"Friday's Child\", stardate 3497.2\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe sooner our happiness together begins, the longer it will last.\n\t\t-- Miramanee, \"The Paradise Syndrome\", stardate 4842.6\n"}, {"quote": "\n... The things love can drive a man to -- the ecstasies, the\nthe miseries, the broken rules, the desperate chances, the glorious\nfailures and the glorious victories.\n\t\t-- McCoy, \"Requiem for Methuselah\", stardate 5843.7\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are always alternatives.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"The Galileo Seven\", stardate 2822.3\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are certain things men must do to remain men.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"The Ultimate Computer\", stardate 4929.4\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are some things worth dying for.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"Errand of Mercy\", stardate 3201.7\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere comes to all races an ultimate crisis which you have yet to face\n.... One day our minds became so powerful we dared think of ourselves as gods.\n\t\t-- Sargon, \"Return to Tomorrow\", stardate 4768.3\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is a multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"A Taste of Armageddon\", stardate 3193.9\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is an old custom among my people.  When a woman saves a man's\nlife, he is grateful.\n\t\t-- Nona, the Kanuto witch woman, \"A Private Little War\",\n\t\t   stardate 4211.8.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is an order of things in this universe.\n\t\t-- Apollo, \"Who Mourns for Adonais?\" stardate 3468.1\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's a way out of any cage.\n\t\t-- Captain Christopher Pike, \"The Menagerie\" (\"The Cage\"),\n\t\t   stardate unknown.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's another way to survive.  Mutual trust -- and help.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"Day of the Dove\", stardate unknown\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's no honorable way to kill, no gentle way to destroy.  There is\nnothing good in war.  Except its ending.\n\t\t-- Abraham Lincoln, \"The Savage Curtain\", stardate 5906.5\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's nothing disgusting about it [the Companion].  It's just another\nlife form, that's all.  You get used to those things.\n\t\t-- McCoy, \"Metamorphosis\", stardate 3219.8\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"There's only one kind of woman ...\"\n\t\"Or man, for that matter.  You either believe in yourself or you don't.\"\n\t\t-- Kirk and Harry Mudd, \"Mudd's Women\", stardate 1330.1\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis cultural mystique surrounding the biological function -- you\nrealize humans are overly preoccupied with the subject.\n\t\t-- Kelinda the Kelvan, \"By Any Other Name\", stardate 4658.9\n"}, {"quote": "\nThose who hate and fight must stop themselves -- otherwise it is not stopped.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"Day of the Dove\", stardate unknown\n"}, {"quote": "\nTime is fluid ... like a river with currents, eddies, backwash.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"The City on the Edge of Forever\", stardate 3134.0\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo live is always desirable.\n\t\t-- Eleen the Capellan, \"Friday's Child\", stardate 3498.9\n"}, {"quote": "\nToo much of anything, even love, isn't necessarily a good thing.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"The Trouble with Tribbles\", stardate 4525.6\n"}, {"quote": "\nTotally illogical, there was no chance.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"The Galileo Seven\", stardate 2822.3\n"}, {"quote": "\nUncontrolled power will turn even saints into savages.  And we can all\nbe counted on to live down to our lowest impulses.\n\t\t-- Parmen, \"Plato's Stepchildren\", stardate 5784.3\n"}, {"quote": "\nViolence in reality is quite different from theory.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"The Cloud Minders\", stardate 5818.4\n"}, {"quote": "\nVirtue is a relative term.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"Friday's Child\", stardate 3499.1\n"}, {"quote": "\nVulcans believe peace should not depend on force.\n\t\t-- Amanda, \"Journey to Babel\", stardate 3842.3\n"}, {"quote": "\nVulcans do not approve of violence.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"Journey to Babel\", stardate 3842.4\n"}, {"quote": "\nVulcans never bluff.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"The Doomsday Machine\", stardate 4202.1\n"}, {"quote": "\nVulcans worship peace above all.\n\t\t-- McCoy, \"Return to Tomorrow\", stardate 4768.3\n"}, {"quote": "\nWait!  You have not been prepared!\n\t\t-- Mr. Atoz, \"Tomorrow is Yesterday\", stardate 3113.2\n"}, {"quote": "\nWar is never imperative.\n\t\t-- McCoy, \"Balance of Terror\", stardate 1709.2\n"}, {"quote": "\nWar isn't a good life, but it's life.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"A Private Little War\", stardate 4211.8\n"}, {"quote": "\nWarp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe do not colonize.  We conquer.  We rule.  There is no other way for us.\n\t\t-- Rojan, \"By Any Other Name\", stardate 4657.5\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe fight only when there is no other choice.  We prefer the ways of\npeaceful contact.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"Spectre of the Gun\", stardate 4385.3\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe have found all life forms in the galaxy are capable of superior\ndevelopment.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"The Gamesters of Triskelion\", stardate 3211.7\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe have phasers, I vote we blast 'em!\n\t\t-- Bailey, \"The Corbomite Maneuver\", stardate 1514.2\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"We have the right to survive!\"\n\t\"Not by killing others.\"\n\t\t-- Deela and Kirk, \"Wink of An Eye\", stardate 5710.5\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe Klingons believe as you do -- the sick should die.  Only the strong\nshould live.\n\t\t-- Kras, \"Friday's Child\", stardate 3497.2\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu!\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe're all sorry for the other guy when he loses his job to a machine.\nBut when it comes to your job -- that's different.  And it always will\nbe different.\n\t\t-- McCoy, \"The Ultimate Computer\", stardate 4729.4\n"}, {"quote": "\nWell, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"What happened to the crewman?\"\n\t\"The M-5 computer needed a new power source, the crewman merely got in\nthe way.\"\n\t\t-- Kirk and Dr. Richard Daystrom, \"The Ultimate Computer\",\n\t\t   stardate 4731.3.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat kind of love is that?  Not to be loved; never to have shown love.\n\t\t-- Commissioner Nancy Hedford, \"Metamorphosis\",\n\t\t   stardate 3219.8\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"What terrible way to die.\"\n\t\"There are no good ways.\"\n\t\t-- Sulu and Kirk, \"That Which Survives\", stardate unknown\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen a child is taught ... its programmed with simple instructions --\nand at some point, if its mind develops properly, it exceeds the sum of\nwhat it was taught, thinks independently.\n\t\t-- Dr. Richard Daystrom, \"The Ultimate Computer\",\n\t\t   stardate 4731.3.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhere there's no emotion, there's no motive for violence.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"Dagger of the Mind\", stardate 2715.1\n"}, {"quote": "\nWitch!  Witch!  They'll burn ya!\n\t\t-- Hag, \"Tomorrow is Yesterday\", stardate unknown\n"}, {"quote": "\nWithout facts, the decision cannot be made logically.  You must rely on\nyour human intuition.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"Assignment: Earth\", stardate unknown\n"}, {"quote": "\nWithout followers, evil cannot spread.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"And The Children Shall Lead\", stardate 5029.5\n"}, {"quote": "\nWithout freedom of choice there is no creativity.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"The return of the Archons\", stardate 3157.4\n"}, {"quote": "\nWomen are more easily and more deeply terrified ... generating more\nsheer horror than the male of the species.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"Wolf in the Fold\", stardate 3615.4\n"}, {"quote": "\nWomen professionals do tend to over-compensate.\n\t\t-- Dr. Elizabeth Dehaver, \"Where No Man Has Gone Before\",\n\t\t   stardate 1312.9.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWorlds are conquered, galaxies destroyed -- but a woman is always a woman.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"The Conscience of the King\", stardate 2818.9\n"}, {"quote": "\nYes, it is written.  Good shall always destroy evil.\n\t\t-- Sirah the Yang, \"The Omega Glory\", stardate unknown\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are an excellent tactician, Captain.  You let your second in\ncommand attack while you sit and watch for weakness.\n\t\t-- Khan Noonian Singh, \"Space Seed\", stardate 3141.9\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can't evaluate a man by logic alone.\n\t\t-- McCoy, \"I, Mudd\", stardate 4513.3\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou canna change the laws of physics, Captain; I've got to have thirty minutes!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou Earth people glorified organized violence for forty centuries.  But\nyou imprison those who employ it privately.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"Dagger of the Mind\", stardate 2715.1\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou go slow, be gentle.  It's no one-way street -- you know how you\nfeel and that's all.  It's how the girl feels too.  Don't press.  If\nthe girl feels anything for you at all, you'll know.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"Charlie X\", stardate 1535.8\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou humans have that emotional need to express gratitude.  \"You're\nwelcome,\" I believe, is the correct response.\n\t\t-- Spock, \"Bread and Circuses\", stardate 4041.2\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou say you are lying.  But if everything you say is a lie, then you are\ntelling the truth.  You cannot tell the truth because everything you say\nis a lie.  You lie, you tell the truth ... but you cannot, for you lie.\n\t\t-- Norman the android, \"I, Mudd\", stardate 4513.3\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou speak of courage.  Obviously you do not know the difference between\ncourage and foolhardiness.  Always it is the brave ones who die, the soldiers.\n\t\t-- Kor, the Klingon Commander, \"Errand of Mercy\",\n\t\t   stardate 3201.7\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou!  What PLANET is this!\n\t\t-- McCoy, \"The City on the Edge of Forever\", stardate 3134.0\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou'll learn something about men and women -- the way they're supposed\nto be.  Caring for each other, being happy with each other, being good\nto each other.  That's what we call love.  You'll like that a lot.\n\t\t-- Kirk, \"The Apple\", stardate 3715.6\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou're dead, Jim.\n\t\t-- McCoy, \"Amok Time\", stardate 3372.7\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou're dead, Jim.\n\t\t-- McCoy, \"The Tholian Web\", stardate unknown\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou're too beautiful to ignore.  Too much woman.\n\t\t-- Kirk to Yeoman Rand, \"The Enemy Within\", stardate unknown\n"}, {"quote": "\nYouth doesn't excuse everything.\n\t\t-- Dr. Janice Lester (in Kirk's body), \"Turnabout Intruder\",\n\t\t   stardate 5928.5.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDer Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null --\nund das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEgo sum ens omnipotens.\n"}, {"quote": "\nForsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHodie natus est radici frater.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHoni soit la vache qui rit.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKlatu barada nikto.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMieux vaut tard que jamais!\n"}, {"quote": "\nQvid me anxivs svm?\n"}, {"quote": "\nRaffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht.\n\t\t-- Albert Einstein\n"}, {"quote": "\nRegnant populi.\n"}, {"quote": "\nsemper en excretus\n"}, {"quote": "\nSEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nsillema sillema nika su\n"}, {"quote": "\nSuaviter in modo, fortiter in re.\nSe non e vero, e ben trovato.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSum quod eris.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTout choses sont dites deja, mais comme personne n'ecoute, il faut\ntoujours recommencer.\n\t\t-- A. Gide\n"}, {"quote": "\nVerba volant, scripta manent!\n"}, {"quote": "\nA clash of doctrine is not a disaster -- it is an opportunity.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.\n\t\t-- Stanislaw Lem\n"}, {"quote": "\nA fake fortuneteller can be tolerated.  But an authentic soothsayer should\nbe shot on sight.  Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.\n\t\t-- R.A. Heinlein\n"}, {"quote": "\nA halted retreat\nIs nerve-wracking and dangerous.\nTo retain people as men -- and maidservants\nBrings good fortune.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.  I\nbelieve everything positively stinks.\n\t\t-- Lew Col\n"}, {"quote": "\nA man said to the Universe:\n\t\"Sir, I exist!\"\n\t\"However,\" replied the Universe,\n\t\"the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation.\"\n\t\t-- Stephen Crane\n"}, {"quote": "\nA neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey.  \"It is out on\nloan,\" the teacher replied.  At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside\nthe stable.  \"But I can hear it bray, over there.\"  \"Whom do you believe,\"\nasked Nasrudin, \"me or a donkey?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nA priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil. \nReplied Voltaire, \"This is no time to make new enemies.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nA sad spectacle.  If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly.\nIf they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.\n\t\t-- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars\n"}, {"quote": "\nA thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde, \"The Portrait of Mr. W.H.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAh, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, \nOr what's a heaven for ?\n\t\t-- Robert Browning, \"Andrea del Sarto\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll hope abandon, ye who enter here!\n\t\t-- Dante Alighieri\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll men know the utility of useful things;\nbut they do not know the utility of futility.\n\t\t-- Chuang-tzu\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.\n\t\t-- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God.  Some of these eyes\nwe cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as possible.\n\t\t-- Russell Hoban, \"Pilgermann\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnd ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the\nhour of separation.\n\t\t-- Kahlil Gibran\n"}, {"quote": "\nArrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's\nincomplete and saying: \"Now it's complete because it's ended here.\"\n\t\t-- Muad'dib, \"Dune\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAs failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp\nthe meaning of existence.  Both make one feel like a baby clutching at\na basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.\n\t\t-- Joseph Brodsky\n"}, {"quote": "\nAt ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all\nmy soul.  At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my\nignorance upon the shore.\n\t\t-- Kahlil Gibran\n"}, {"quote": "\nAt the end of your life there'll be a good rest, and no further activities\nare scheduled.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAt the foot of the mountain, thunder:\nThe image of Providing Nourishment.\nThus the superior man is careful of his words\nAnd temperate in eating and drinking.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.\n\t\t-- Jean Anouilh\n"}, {"quote": "\nBefore you ask more questions, think about whether you really want to\nknow the answers.\n\t\t-- Gene Wolfe, \"The Claw of the Conciliator\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nBrahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no\nwiser.  But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred.\n\t\t-- The Mahabharata\n"}, {"quote": "\nBy protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.\n\t\t-- Titus Lucretius Carus\n"}, {"quote": "\nCatharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.\n\t\t-- Howard Chaykin\n"}, {"quote": "\nCertainly the game is rigged.\n\nDon't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.\n\t\t-- Robert Heinlein, \"Time Enough For Love\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nChance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.\n\t\t-- Anatole France\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\t\tChapter 1\n\nThe story so far:\n\n\tIn the beginning the Universe was created.  This has made a lot\nof people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.\n\t\t-- Douglas Adams?\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"Cheshire-Puss,\" she began, \"would you tell me, please, which way I\nought to go from here?\"\n\t\"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,\" said the Cat.\n\t\"I don't care much where--\" said Alice.\n\t\"Then it doesn't matter which way you go,\" said the Cat.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCircumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.\n\t\t-- Herodotus\n"}, {"quote": "\nCoincidences are spiritual puns.\n\t\t-- G.K. Chesterton\n"}, {"quote": "\nDeath is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind.\n\t\t-- Erma Bombeck\n"}, {"quote": "\nDeath is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDeath is life's way of telling you you've been fired.\n\t\t-- R. Geis\n"}, {"quote": "\nDeath is Nature's way of recycling human beings.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDeath is nature's way of saying `Howdy'.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDeath is nature's way of telling you to slow down.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDeath is only a state of mind.\n\nOnly it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDepart not from the path which fate has assigned you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDepend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember, it didn't help\nthe rabbit.\n\t\t-- R.E. Shay\n"}, {"quote": "\nDestiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't,\ndon't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.\n\t\t-- Joseph Heller, \"God Knows\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nDisease can be cured; fate is incurable.\n\t\t-- Chinese proverb\n"}, {"quote": "\nDitat Deus.\n\t[God enriches]\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo not believe in miracles -- rely on them.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo not seek death; death will find you.  But seek the road which makes death\na fulfillment.\n\t\t-- Dag Hammarskjold\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo what you can to prolong your life, in the hope that someday you'll\nlearn what it's for.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"Do you think there's a God?\"\n\t\"Well, ____\b\b\b\bSOMEbody's out to get me!\"\n\t\t-- Calvin and Hobbs\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo your part to help preserve life on Earth -- by trying to preserve your own.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't abandon hope.  Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't go to bed with no price on your head.\n\t\t-- Baretta\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't kid yourself.  Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDoubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.\n\t\t-- Paul Tillich, German theologian.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDown with categorical imperative!\n"}, {"quote": "\nDue to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate\nand captain of your soul.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDuring the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a fair wind; batten\ndown during a storm; hail all passing ships; and fly your colors proudly.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDying is a very dull, dreary affair.  My advice to you is to have\nnothing whatever to do with it.\n\t\t-- W. Somerset Maughm, his last words\n"}, {"quote": "\nDying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nEach man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEach of us bears his own Hell.\n\t\t-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)\n"}, {"quote": "\nEither I'm dead or my watch has stopped.\n\t\t-- Groucho Marx's last words\n"}, {"quote": "\nEven the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.\n\t\t-- Kehlog Albran, \"The Profit\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvery person, all the events in your life are there because you have\ndrawn them there.  What you choose to do with them is up to you.\n\t\t-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul\n"}, {"quote": "\nEverything ends badly.  Otherwise it wouldn't end.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEverything in this book may be wrong.\n\t\t-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul\n"}, {"quote": "\nEverything is possible.  Pass the word.\n\t\t-- Rita Mae Brown, \"Six of One\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nExecute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.\n\t\t-- Marcus Aurelius\n"}, {"quote": "\nExpansion means complexity; and complexity decay.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFacts are the enemy of truth.\n\t\t-- Don Quixote\n"}, {"quote": "\nFain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.\n\t\t-- Sir Walter Raleigh\n"}, {"quote": "\nFaith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFaith is under the left nipple.\n\t\t-- Martin Luther\n"}, {"quote": "\nFill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.\n\t\t-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor fast-acting relief, try slowing down.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor good, return good.\nFor evil, return justice.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in\ndespairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the\nimplacable grandeur of this life.\n\t\t-- Albert Camus\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!\n"}, {"quote": "\nForce has no place where there is need of skill.\n\t\t-- Herodotus\n"}, {"quote": "\nFORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2\n\tNever goose a wolverine.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23\n\tDon't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFrom listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFrom the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.\n\t\t-- Bertolt Brecht\n"}, {"quote": "\nGenerally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.\n\t\t-- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645\n"}, {"quote": "\nGetting into trouble is easy.\n\t\t-- D. Winkel and F. Prosser\n"}, {"quote": "\nGetting there is only half as far as getting there and back.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGiven a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.\n\t\t-- William Faulkner\n"}, {"quote": "\nGod grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to\nchange the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGod instructs the heart, not by ideas, but by pains and contradictions.\n\t\t-- De Caussade\n"}, {"quote": "\nGod is the tangential point between zero and infinity.\n\t\t-- Alfred Jarry\n"}, {"quote": "\nGod made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.\n\t\t-- Paul Valery\n"}, {"quote": "\nGood-bye.  I am leaving because I am bored.\n\t\t-- George Saunders' dying words\n"}, {"quote": "\nGoodbye, cool world.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGot a dictionary?  I want to know the meaning of life.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGreat acts are made up of small deeds.\n\t\t-- Lao Tsu\n"}, {"quote": "\nHappiness is having a scratch for every itch.\n\t\t-- Ogden Nash\n"}, {"quote": "\nHappiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHappiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHappiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.\n\t\t-- Oscar Levant\n"}, {"quote": "\nHaving the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.\n\t\t-- Socrates\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe has shown you, o man, what is good.  And what does the Lord ask of you,\nbut to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly before your God?\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.\n\t\t-- Sir Richard Burton\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.\n\t\t-- B. Franklin\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for\nthe human condition is a fool.\n\t\t-- Albert Camus\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant.  Teach him.\nHe who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool.  Shun him.\nHe who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep.  Wake him.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who knows nothing, knows nothing.\nBut he who knows he knows nothing knows something.\nAnd he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing,\n\the knows something.  Or something like that.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who knows others is wise.\nHe who knows himself is enlightened.\n\t\t-- Lao Tsu\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.\n\t\t-- Lao Tsu\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who knows, does not speak.  He who speaks, does not know.\n\t\t-- Lao Tsu\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither\ndoes he hate it.  Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to\ncombat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is\nself-propagating.\n\t\t-- Umberto Eco, \"The Name of the Rose\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHere is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:\nif you're alive, it isn't.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our\nthoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another\nin the waking state?\n\t\t-- Plato\n"}, {"quote": "\nI am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.\n\t\t-- William Allen White\n"}, {"quote": "\nI didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives.  I don't see why\nI should have to believe in it in this one.\n\t\t-- Strange de Jim\n"}, {"quote": "\nI do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or\nwhether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.\n\t\t-- Chuang-tzu\n"}, {"quote": "\nI do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them.\nI ask nothing but sincerity.  If they come out of habit, they become tiresome.\n\t\t-- I Ching\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very\nreason it is called Supreme Enlightenment.\"\n\t\t-- Gotama Buddha\n"}, {"quote": "\nI hate dying.\n\t\t-- Dave Johnson\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have a simple philosophy:\n\n\tFill what's empty.\n\tEmpty what's full.\n\tScratch where it itches.\n\t\t-- A. R. Longworth\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have often regretted my speech, never my silence.\n\t\t-- Publilius Syrus\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.\n\t\t-- Kehlog Albran, \"The Profit\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nI hope you're not pretending to be evil while secretly being good.\nThat would be dishonest.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI know not how I came into this, shall I call it a dying life or a\nliving death?\n\t\t-- St. Augustine\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he really a\nguru at all?\n\t\t-- Strange de Jim, \"The Metasexuals\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.\n\t\t-- Friedrich Nietzsche\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf a man loses his reverence for any part of life, he will lose his\nreverence for all of life.\n\t\t-- Albert Schweitzer\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women\nyou've got in the house.\n\t\t-- Mike Harding, \"The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf something has not yet gone wrong then it would ultimately have been\nbeneficial for it to go wrong.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf the master dies and the disciple grieves, the lives of both have\nbeen wasted.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.\n\t\t-- Anatole France\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf there is a possibility of several things going wrong,\nthe one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.\n\nIf you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure\ncan go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing\nof life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur\nof this life.\n\t\t-- Albert Camus\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf we don't survive, we don't do anything else.\n\t\t-- John Sinclair\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you are not for yourself, who will be for you?\nIf you are for yourself, then what are you?\nIf not now, when?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you find a solution and become attached to it, the solution may become\nyour next problem.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you fool around with something long enough, it will eventually break.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you have to hate, hate gently.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you have to think twice about it, you're wrong.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.\n\t\t-- Simone de Beauvoir\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.\n\t\t-- Maslow\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you put it off long enough, it might go away.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you wait long enough, it will go away... after having done its damage.\nIf it was bad, it will be back.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you want divine justice, die.\n\t\t-- Nick Seldon\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf your aim in life is nothing, you can't miss.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do\nhave a problem.\n\t\t-- Richard Bach, \"Illusions\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIllusion is the first of all pleasures.\n\t\t-- Voltaire\n"}, {"quote": "\nImmortality -- a fate worse than death.\n\t\t-- Edgar A. Shoaff\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn dwelling, be close to the land.\nIn meditation, delve deep into the heart.\nIn dealing with others, be gentle and kind.\nIn speech, be true.\nIn work, be competent.\nIn action, be careful of your timing.\n\t\t-- Lao Tsu\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is;\nyou're what's left.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom.\nIt is not always an easy sacrifice.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.\n\t\t-- Ann Frank\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn the long run we are all dead.\n\t\t-- John Maynard Keynes\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn the next world, you're on your own.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIndeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as\n`all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled\nwith a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'\n\t\t-- M.D. Epstein\n"}, {"quote": "\nInstead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.\n\t\t-- Edgar W. Howe\n"}, {"quote": "\nIntellect annuls Fate.\nSo far as a man thinks, he is free.\n\t\t-- Ralph Waldo Emerson\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is\nlightly greased.\n\t\t-- Kehlog Albran, \"The Profit\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do,\nthat makes life blessed.\n\t\t-- Goethe\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live\nat all.  And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result\nis the only thing that makes the result come true.\n\t\t-- William James\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is only with the heart one can see clearly; what is essential is\ninvisible to the eye.\n\t\t-- The Fox, 'The Little Prince\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the lowly\nant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as high as the eagle?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the\ndevil when he is the only explanation of it.\n\t\t-- Ronald Knox, \"Let Dons Delight\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously lives, works\nand has his being.\n\t\t-- Thomas Carlyle\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on\nthe wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.\n\t\t-- Washlesky\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's hard to drive at the limit, but it's harder to know where the limits are.\n\t\t-- Stirling Moss\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"It's today!\" said Piglet.\n\t\"My favorite day,\" said Pooh.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never know when everything may\nsuddenly stop happening.\n"}, {"quote": "\nJust remember, wherever you go, there you are.\n\t\t-- Buckaroo Bonzai\n"}, {"quote": "\nKindness is the beginning of cruelty.\n\t\t-- Muad'dib [Frank Herbert, \"Dune\"]\n"}, {"quote": "\nLet us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around us in awareness.\n\t\t-- James Thurber\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife exists for no known purpose.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing.\n\t\t-- Helen Keller\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is knowing how far to go without crossing the line.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is like a 10 speed bicycle.  Most of us have gears we never use.\n\t\t-- C. Schultz\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is like a sewer.  What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.\n\t\t-- Tom Lehrer\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is the childhood of our immortality.\n\t\t-- Goethe\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is the living you do, Death is the living you don't do.\n\t\t-- Joseph Pintauro\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is the urge to ecstasy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife may have no meaning, or, even worse, it may have a meaning of which\nyou disapprove.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife only demands from you the strength you possess.\nOnly one feat is possible -- not to have run away.\n\t\t-- Dag Hammarskjold\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.\n\t\t-- Thomas J. Kopp\n"}, {"quote": "\nLive never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is\npublished around the world -- even if what is published is not true.\n\t\t-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul\n"}, {"quote": "\nLiving in the complex world of the future is somewhat like having bees\nlive in your head.  But, there they are.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLoneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLong were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and\nlong were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his\npain and his aloneness without regret?\n\t\t-- Kahlil Gibran, \"The Prophet\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nMan's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens?\n"}, {"quote": "\n[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment\nwhere everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand\nmore and more that there is something which cannot be understood.\n\t\t-- S. Kierkegaard\n"}, {"quote": "\nMohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly.  An aide once asked him\nhow he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week.\nThe great man replied that it was because this week he knew better.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMurphy was an optimist.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMurphy's Law is recursive.  Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMusic in the soul can be heard by the universe.\n\t\t-- Lao Tsu\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior\nspirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive\nwith our frail and feeble mind.\n\t\t-- Albert Einstein\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.\n\t\t-- Christopher Morley\n"}, {"quote": "\nNasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity.  The servant said\n\"My master is out.\"  Nasrudin replied, \"Tell your master that next time he\ngoes out, he should not leave his face at the window.  Someone might steal it.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nNasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve\nhim.  Nasrudin said, \"First things first.  Did you see me walk into your\nshop?\"\n\t\"Of course.\"\n\t\"Have you ever seen me before?\"\n\t\"Never.\"\n\t\"Then how do you know it was me?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nNasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, \"The moon is more useful\nthan the sun.\"\n\t\"Why?\", he was asked.\n\t\"Because at night we need the light more.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nNasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie.\nSuddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from his\nhand.  As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, \"Foolish bird!  You\nhave the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nNinety percent of everything is crap.\n\t\t-- Theodore Sturgeon\n"}, {"quote": "\nNinety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would.\nThe other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.\n\t\t-- Augustine\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo matter where I go, the place is always called \"here\".\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo use getting too involved in life -- you're only here for a limited time.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNonsense and beauty have close connections.\n\t\t-- E.M. Forster\n"}, {"quote": "\nNormal times may possibly be over forever.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNot every question deserves an answer.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing in life is to be feared.  It is only to be understood.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing is as simple as it seems at first\n\tOr as hopeless as it seems in the middle\n\t\tOr as finished as it seems in the end.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing is but what is not.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.\n\t\t-- Michel de Montaigne\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.\n\t\t-- Arthur Balfour\n"}, {"quote": "\nOf all men's miseries, the bitterest is this:\nto know so much and have control over nothing.\n\t\t-- Herodotus\n"}, {"quote": "\nOnce the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.\n\t\t-- H.R. Haldeman\n"}, {"quote": "\nOnce you've tried to change the world you find it's a whole bunch easier\nto change your mind.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne learns to itch where one can scratch.\n\t\t-- Ernest Bramah\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne monk said to the other, \"The fish has flopped out of the net! How will it\nlive?\" The other said, \"When you have gotten out of the net, I'll tell you.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nOnly that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.\n\t\t-- Baba Ram Dass\n"}, {"quote": "\nOnly those who leisurely approach that which the masses are busy about\ncan be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.\n\t\t-- Lao Tsu\n"}, {"quote": "\nParadise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much better.\n\t\t-- Laurie Anderson\n"}, {"quote": "\nPerfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but\nwhen there is no longer anything to take away.\n\t\t-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery\n"}, {"quote": "\nPerhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPhilosophy will clip an angel's wings.\n\t\t-- John Keats\n"}, {"quote": "\nPush where it gives and scratch where it itches.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReality always seems harsher in the early morning.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReality does not exist -- yet.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth?\n\t\t-- Patrick Sky\n"}, {"quote": "\nReality is for people who lack imagination.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReality is just a convenient measure of complexity.\n\t\t-- Alvy Ray Smith\n"}, {"quote": "\nReality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReality is nothing but a collective hunch.\n\t-- Lily Tomlin\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away\".\n\t\t-- Philip K. Dick\n"}, {"quote": "\nRemember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over\nthe first one.\n\t\t-- Confusion\n"}, {"quote": "\nRule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSeeing is believing.  You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSince everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is,\nhaving nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well\nburst out in laughter.\n\t\t-- Long Chen Pa\n"}, {"quote": "\nSo little time, so little to do.\n\t\t-- Oscar Levant\n"}, {"quote": "\nSometimes even to live is an act of courage.\n\t\t-- Seneca\n"}, {"quote": "\nSometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living.\n"}, {"quote": "\nStandards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by\nno means the only 'certain' standard.  If you mistake what is relative for\nsomething certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.\n\t\t-- Chuang Tzu\n"}, {"quote": "\nSuffering alone exists, none who suffer;\nThe deed there is, but no doer thereof;\nNirvana is, but no one is seeking it;\nThe Path there is, but none who travel it.\n\t\t-- \"Buddhist Symbolism\", Symbols and Values\n"}, {"quote": "\nSuperstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy have ample wages, but truth goes\na-begging.\n\t\t-- Martin Luther\n"}, {"quote": "\nTake your dying with some seriousness, however.  Laughing on the way to\nyour execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms,\nand they'll call you crazy.\n\t\t-- \"Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThat that is is that that is not is not.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThat, that is, is.\nThat, that is not, is not.\nThat, that is, is not that, that is not.\nThat, that is not, is not that, that is.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.\n\t\t-- A. Camus\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe best you get is an even break.\n\t\t-- Franklin Adams\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain.\"\n\t\t-- G. Fitch\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe chief cause of problems is solutions.\n\t\t-- Eric Sevareid\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.\n\t\t-- Alfred Adler\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe days are all empty and the nights are unreal.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe door is the key.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe farther you go, the less you know.\n\t\t-- Lao Tsu, \"Tao Te Ching\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.\n\t\t-- Maurice Chapelain, \"Main courante\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe first requisite for immortality is death.\n\t\t-- Stanislaw Lem\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.\n\t\t-- Sophocles\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.\n\t\t-- Marcus Terentius Varro\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe major sin is the sin of being born.\n\t\t-- Samuel Beckett\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice\nand tragedy.  What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the\nmaster calls a butterfly.\n\t\t-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and\nrobbers there will be.\n\t\t-- Lao Tsu\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe more you complain, the longer God lets you live.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably\nnot true.  It is the chief occupation of mankind.\n\t\t-- H.L. Mencken\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Poems, all three hundred of them, may be summed up in one of their phrases:\n\"Let our thoughts be correct\".\n\t\t-- Confucius\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe price of success in philosophy is triviality.\n\t\t-- C. Glymour.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe questions remain the same.  The answers are eternally variable.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but\nthat's the way to bet.\n\t\t-- Damon Runyon\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe root of all superstition is that men observe when a thing hits,\nbut not when it misses.\n\t\t-- Francis Bacon\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe savior becomes the victim.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.\n\t\t-- Alexandre Arnoux, \"Etudes et caprices\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great height\nbut just above the ground.  It seems more designed to make people stumble\nthan to be walked upon.\n\t\t-- Franz Kafka\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe truth is rarely pure, and never simple.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.\n\t\t-- Lenny Bruce\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.\n\t\t-- Stanley Kubrick\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe truth you speak has no past and no future.  It is, and that's all it\nneeds to be.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums.\nIt is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish.\nYou are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.\n\t\t-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.\n\t\t-- Baba Ram Dass\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are no winners in life, only survivors.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are ten or twenty basic truths, and life is the process of\ndiscovering them over and over and over.\n\t\t-- David Nichols\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is more to life than increasing its speed.\n\t\t-- Mahatma Gandhi\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering.\n\t\t-- Cato\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.\n\t\t-- George Santayana\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is no sin but ignorance.\n\t\t-- Christopher Marlowe\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's only one everything.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo get something clean, one has to get something dirty.\nTo get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo give happiness is to deserve happiness.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo give of yourself, you must first know yourself.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo have died once is enough.\n\t\t-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo lead people, you must follow behind.\n\t\t-- Lao Tsu\n"}, {"quote": "\nTruth has no special time of its own.  Its hour is now -- always.\n\t\t-- Albert Schweitzer\n"}, {"quote": "\nTruth is hard to find and harder to obscure.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTruth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy\nof him that brought her birth.\n\t\t-- Milton\n"}, {"quote": "\nWaste not fresh tears over old griefs.\n\t\t-- Euripides\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.\n\t\t-- Yates\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.\n\t\t-- Margaret Mead\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe have only two things to worry about:  That things will never get\nback to normal, and that they already have.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe have reason to be afraid.  This is a terrible place.\n\t\t-- John Berryman\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who,\ncontent with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.\n\t\t-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe're all in this alone.\n\t\t-- Lily Tomlin\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful --\nbut those are only handicaps.  Our pride is that nevertheless, now and\nthen, we do our best.  A few times we succeed.  What more dare we ask for?\n\t\t-- Ensign Flandry\n"}, {"quote": "\nWell, you know, no matter where you go, there you are.\n\t\t-- Buckaroo Banzai\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Well,\" Brahma said, \"even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is no\nwiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five hundred.\"\n\t\t-- The Mahabharata.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat does not destroy me, makes me stronger.\n\t\t-- Nietzsche\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing\nto compare it with.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?\n\t\t-- Ursula K. LeGuin\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat we Are is God's gift to us.\nWhat we Become is our gift to God.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.\n\t\t-- Friedrich Nietzsche\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.\n\t\t-- Gandhi\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen it's dark enough you can see the stars.\n\t\t-- Ralph Waldo Emerson,\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is\nmetaphysics.\n\t\t-- Voltaire\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen the wind is great, bow before it;\nwhen the wind is heavy, yield to it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you die, you lose a very important part of your life.\n\t\t-- Brooke Shields\n"}, {"quote": "\nWho does not trust enough will not be trusted.\n\t\t-- Lao Tsu\n"}, {"quote": "\nWisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.\n\t\t-- J. Winter Smith\n"}, {"quote": "\nWisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list.\n"}, {"quote": "\n[Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying\nhold of her, making happy each one holding her fast.\n\t\t-- Proverbs 3:18, NSV\n"}, {"quote": "\nWith listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWonder is the feeling of a philosopher, and philosophy begins in wonder.\n\t\t-- Socrates, quoting Plato\n\t[Huh?  That's like Johnson quoting Boswell]\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tWork Hard.\n\tRock Hard.\n\tEat Hard.\n\tSleep Hard.\n\tGrow Big.\n\tWear Glasses If You Need 'Em.\n\t\t-- The Webb Wilder Credo\n"}, {"quote": "\nYes, but which self do you want to be?\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are never given a wish without also being given the\npower to make it true.  You may have to work for it, however.\n\t\t-- R. Bach, \"Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for\n\t\t   the Advanced Soul\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.\n\t\t-- Tim Leary\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.\n\t\t-- Jeannette Rankin\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can observe a lot just by watching.\n\t\t-- Yogi Berra\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can't get there from here.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can't push on a string.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can't run away forever,\nBut there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.\n\t\t-- Jim Steinman, \"Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten.\"\n\t\t-- Charles Schulz, \"Things I've Had to Learn Over and\n\t\t   Over and Over\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can't take it with you -- especially when crossing a state line.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou climb to reach the summit, but once there, discover that all roads\nlead down.\n\t\t-- Stanislaw Lem, \"The Cyberiad\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.\n\t\t-- Lois Platford\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are.\nIf you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.\n\t\t-- Lewis Carroll\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou will always find something in the last place you look.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour mind understands what you have been taught; your heart, what is true.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour wig steers the gig.\n\t\t-- Lord Buckley\n"}, {"quote": "\nA bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and\nask for it back the when it begins to rain.\n\t\t-- Robert Frost\n"}, {"quote": "\nA boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well\nas afterward.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.\n\t\t-- Paul Valery\n"}, {"quote": "\nA committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.\n\t\t-- Milton Berle\n"}, {"quote": "\nA committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.\n\t\t-- Lazarus Long, \"Time Enough For Love\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nA committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the\nseed from which other committees will bloom.\n\t\t-- Parkinson\n"}, {"quote": "\nA commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.\n\t\t-- R. Stallman\n"}, {"quote": "\nA company is known by the men it keeps.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it\nis, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.\n\t\t-- Dyer\n"}, {"quote": "\nA freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.\n\t\t-- Robert Benchley\n"}, {"quote": "\nA good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while\nthe policeman searches you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA man is known by the company he organizes.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\nA meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.\n\t\t-- Dean Acheson\n"}, {"quote": "\nA motion to adjourn is always in order.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.\nAnyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now\nhas no excuse for further procrastination.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for granite.\n"}, {"quote": "\nA verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.\n\t\t-- Samuel Goldwyn\n"}, {"quote": "\nAbout the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.\n\t\t-- Herbert Hoover\n"}, {"quote": "\nAccording to all the latest reports, there was no truth in any of the\nearlier reports.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAdvertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest\nway of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.\n\t\t-- Sinclair Lewis\n"}, {"quote": "\nAdvertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.\n\t\t-- George Orwell\n"}, {"quote": "\nAdvertising may be described as the science of arresting the human\nintelligence long enough to get money from it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAfter all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAfter any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the\nmonth than you did before.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun.\nMoney's just the way we keep score.\n\t\t-- Henry Tyroon\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll warranty and guarantee clauses become null and void upon payment of invoice.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAmerica works less, when you say \"Union Yes!\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed \nto be doing at the moment.\n\t\t-- Robert Benchley\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.\n\t\t-- Publius Syrus\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnyone can make an omelet with eggs.  The trick is to make one with none.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnything free is worth what you pay for it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnything labeled \"NEW\" and/or \"IMPROVED\" isn't.  The label means the\nprice went up.  The label \"ALL NEW\", \"COMPLETELY NEW\", or \"GREAT NEW\"\nmeans the price went way up.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"At least they're ___________\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\bEXPERIENCED incompetents\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nAt these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume.\n\t\t-- Peter G. Alaquon\n"}, {"quote": "\nAt work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the\nnumber of pens that person is carrying.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBe sociable. Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeen Transferred Lately?\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather\na new wearer of clothes.\n\t\t-- Henry David Thoreau\n"}, {"quote": "\nBiz is better.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBody by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBullwinkle:\tYou just leave that to my pal.  He's the brains of the outfit.\nGeneral:\tWhat does that make YOU?\nBullwinkle:\tWhat else?  An executive.\n\t\t-- Jay Ward\n"}, {"quote": "\nBusiness is a good game -- lots of competition and minimum of rules.\nYou keep score with money.\n\t\t-- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari\n"}, {"quote": "\nBusiness will be either better or worse.\n\t\t-- Calvin Coolidge\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations' paws.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nBy working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be\nboss and work twelve.\n\t\t-- Robert Frost\n"}, {"quote": "\nCan anyone remember when the times were not hard, and money not scarce?\n"}, {"quote": "\nCan anything be sadder than work left unfinished? Yes, work never begun.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCarelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected.\nCarefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected,\nmostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.\n"}, {"quote": "\nChairman of the Bored.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCommittees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to\nbe appointed to do the work.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCompetence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of\nthe beholder.\n\t\t-- Dr. Laurence J. Peter\n"}, {"quote": "\nCompetitive fury is not always anger.  It is the true missionary's courage\nand zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not be enough.\n\t\t-- Gene Scott\n"}, {"quote": "\n... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___\b\b\bdid* quote anybody in this\nbusiness, it probably would be gibberish.\n\t\t-- Thom McLeod\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich.\"\n\t\t-- \"Ali Baba Bunny\" [1957, Chuck Jones]\n"}, {"quote": "\nConsider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to\nstick to one thing till it gets there.\n\t\t-- Josh Billings\n"}, {"quote": "\nConsultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then\ngive it back to them.\n"}, {"quote": "\nCredit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.\n\t\t-- James Blish\n"}, {"quote": "\nDealing with failure is easy:\n\tWork hard to improve.\nSuccess is also easy to handle:\n\tYou've solved the wrong problem.\n\tWork hard to improve.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation,\nall our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75"}, {"quote": " per year.\n\t\t-- C.N. Parkinson\n"}, {"quote": "\nDear Lord:\n\tI just want *___\b\b\bone* one-armed manager so I never have to hear \"On\nthe other hand\", again.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDespite all appearances, your boss is a thinking, feeling, human being.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?\"\n\t\"Of course it's wrong!  It's illegal!\"\n\t\"I've never done anything illegal before.\"\n\t\"I thought you said you were an accountant!\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business.  Cheat.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't tell me how hard you work.  Tell me how much you get done.\n\t\t-- James J. Ling\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to\nget more wax!!\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nDreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.\n"}, {"quote": "\nDrilling for oil is boring.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEarn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.\n"}, {"quote": "\nErnest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company.\n\t\"Ever since they threatened to fire me.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nEver notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you\njust how busy they are?\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvery cloud has a silver lining; you should have sold it, and bought titanium.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Every man has his price.  Mine is $3.95.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvery man thinks God is on his side.  The rich and powerful know that he is.\n\t\t-- Jean Anouilh, \"The Lark\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the\nrichest people in America.  If I'm not there, I go to work\"\n\t\t-- Robert Orben\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvery successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no\nguarantee of eventual success.\n"}, {"quote": "\nEvery young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is\nthe best one.\n\t\t-- Jack Hurley\n"}, {"quote": "\nEverybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that\ncalled for a small employee contribution.  The company was paying all\nthe rest.  Unfortunately, 100"}, {"quote": "\nEverybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.\n\t\t-- Arthur Miller\n"}, {"quote": "\nEveryone who comes in here wants three things:\n\t(1) They want it quick.\n\t(2) They want it good.\n\t(3) They want it cheap.\nI tell 'em to pick two and call me back.\n\t\t-- sign on the back wall of a small printing company\n"}, {"quote": "\nExceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.\n\t\t-- Miller\n"}, {"quote": "\nExcerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a\ncustomer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab:\n\nSupport:  \"You're not our only customer, you know.\"\nCustomer: \"But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nExecutive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do\nthe work.\n\t\t-- John G. Pollard\n"}, {"quote": "\nFailure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFast, cheap, good: pick two.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFear is the greatest salesman.\n\t\t-- Robert Klein\n"}, {"quote": "\nFeel disillusioned?  I've got some great new illusions, right here!\n"}, {"quote": "\nFor every bloke who makes his mark, there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.\n\t\t-- Andy Capp\n"}, {"quote": "\nGenius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.\n\t\t-- Thomas Alva Edison\n"}, {"quote": "\nGenius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGetting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.\n\nCorollary:\n\tFollowing the rules will not get the job done.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around,\nI'd rather lie around.  No contest.\"\n\t\t-- Eric Clapton\n"}, {"quote": "\nGod help those who do not help themselves.\n\t\t-- Wilson Mizner\n"}, {"quote": "\nGod helps them that themselves.\n\t\t-- Benjamin Franklin, \"Poor Richard's Almanac\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nGood day to avoid cops.  Crawl to work.\n"}, {"quote": "\nGood salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.\n\t\t-- R.E. Schenk\n"}, {"quote": "\nHappiness is a positive cash flow.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?\n\t\t-- Charlie McCarthy\n"}, {"quote": "\nHave you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell you\n`there's a time for work and a time for play' never find the time for play?\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.\n\t\t-- Bion\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who is content with his lot probably has a lot.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from\nPresidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ...\"\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?\"\n\t\"Whattaya need?\"\n\t\"Oh, about $500.\"\n\t\"Whattaya got for collateral?\"\n\t\"Whattaya need?\"\n\t\"How about an eye?\"\n\t\t-- Sam Giancana\n"}, {"quote": "\nHideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse?\n\n\t\tWE CAN HELP!\n\nCall (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHire the morally handicapped.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHonesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.\n\t\t-- Plato\n"}, {"quote": "\nHonesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.\n\t\t-- F.M. Hubbard\n"}, {"quote": "\nHotels are tired of getting ripped off.  I checked into a hotel and they\nhad towels from my house.\n\t\t-- Mark Guido\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour?\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they\nclaim they'll make you?\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"How many people work here?\"\n\t\"Oh, about half.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nHuman resources are human first, and resources second.\n\t\t-- J. Garbers\n"}, {"quote": "\nI am more bored than you could ever possibly be.  Go back to work.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty,\nambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on\nthe same day.  Then that night, they burned the wheel.\n\t\t-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats; If it be man's work I will do it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when\nit has been used to commit a murder.\n\t\t-- M. Gallaher\n"}, {"quote": "\nI don't do it for the money.\n\t\t-- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal\n"}, {"quote": "\nI don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two\nhighly trained certified public accountants.\n\t\t-- Elvis Presley\n"}, {"quote": "\nI don't want to achieve immortality through my work.  I want to achieve\nimmortality through not dying.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nI go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.\n\t\t-- H.L. Mencken\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have the simplest tastes.  I am always satisfied with the best.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have ways of making money that you know nothing of.\n\t\t-- John D. Rockefeller\n"}, {"quote": "\nI just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?\n\t\t-- Raoul Duke\n"}, {"quote": "\nI just need enough to tide me over until I need more.\n\t\t-- Bill Hoest\n"}, {"quote": "\nI like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI never cheated an honest man, only rascals.  They wanted something for\nnothing.  I gave them nothing for something.\n\t\t-- Joseph \"Yellow Kid\" Weil\n"}, {"quote": "\nI owe the public nothing.\n\t\t-- J.P. Morgan\n"}, {"quote": "\nI was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending\ntheir lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to\nbuy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.\n\t\t-- Emile Henry Gauvreay\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'd rather be led to hell than managed to heavan.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm always looking for a new idea that will be more productive than its cost.\n\t\t-- David Rockefeller\n"}, {"quote": "\nI've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.\n\t\t-- Henny Youngman\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had\nlost his senses.  When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.\n\t\t-- G.K. Chesterton\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.\n\t\t-- W.C. Fields\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf all else fails, lower your standards.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, there\nbetter be no trade.  A trade by which one gains and the other loses is a fraud.\n\t\t-- Dagny Taggart, \"Atlas Shrugged\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to invent it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it.  There's\ngot to be a better way.\n\t\t-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could\nwork for with a great deal of enjoyment.\n\t\t-- Douglas Jerrold\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would\nall be millionaires.\n\t\t-- Abigail Van Buren\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to\ndo something else.\n\t-- Gerald Weinberg, \"The Secrets of Consulting\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.  Quit work and play\nfor once!\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you are good, you will be assigned all the work.  If you are real\ngood, you will get out of it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you are over 80 years old and accompanied by your parents, we will\ncash your check.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business;\nover 80 you are neglecting your golf.\n\t\t-- Walter Hagen\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you aren't rich you should always look useful.\n\t\t-- Louis-Ferdinand Celine\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.\n\t\t-- J. Paul Getty\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you didn't have to work so hard, you'd have more time to be depressed.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you don't have time to do it right, where are you going to find the time\nto do it over?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you fail to plan, plan to fail.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you had better tools, you could more effectively demonstrate your\ntotal incompetence.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a\nhype.  If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype.\n\t\t-- Neil Bogart\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers.\nBut a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.\n\t\t-- Swami Prabhupada\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you suspect a man, don't employ him.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car\npayments.\n\t\t-- Earl Wilson\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave\nit to.\n\t\t-- Dorthy Parker\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.\n\t\t-- Ben Franklin\n"}, {"quote": "\nImportant letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.\nCorresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading\nit.  Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving\nfrom where you left them to where you can't find them.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper.  The\ncreator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves:\nthe prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn case of injury notify your superior immediately.  He'll kiss it and\nmake it better.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.\n\t\t-- Dr. Laurence J. Peter\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold.  100 feet to the north stands\na smart manager.  100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager.  100 feet to\nthe east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus.\n\nQ:\tWho gets to the pot of gold first?\nA:\tThe dumb manager.  All the rest are myths.\n"}, {"quote": "\nInnovation is hard to schedule.\n\t\t-- Dan Fylstra\n"}, {"quote": "\nInsanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the\nsalesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIs a person who blows up banks an econoclast?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is better to live rich than to die rich.\n\t\t-- Samuel Johnson\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of\nwork to do.\n\t\t-- Jerome Klapka Jerome\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is much harder to find a job than to keep one.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is not enough that I should succeed.  Others must fail.\n\t\t-- Ray Kroc, Founder of McDonald's\n\t\t[Also attributed to David Merrick.  Ed.]\n\nIt is not enough to succeed.  Others must fail.\n\t\t-- Gore Vidal\n\t\t[Great minds think alike?  Ed.]\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt is ridiculous to call this an industry.  This is not.  This is rat eat\nrat, dog eat dog.  I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they \nkill me.  You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.\n\t\t-- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's a poor workman who blames his tools.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's been a business doing pleasure with you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's fabulous!  We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!\n\t\t-- Macy's\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off the ground.\n\t\t-- Daniel B. Luten\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the\nventure capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.\n\t\t-- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nJust because he's dead is no reason to lay off work.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKeep up the good work!  But please don't ask me to help.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKeep your boss's boss off your boss's back.\n"}, {"quote": "\nKeep your Eye on the Ball,\nYour Shoulder to the Wheel,\nYour Nose to the Grindstone,\nYour Feet on the Ground,\nYour Head on your Shoulders.\nNow... try to get something DONE!\n"}, {"quote": "\nLavish spending can be disastrous.  Don't buy any lavishes for a while.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLet me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a\nnumber.  Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and\nanother number.\n\t\t-- James Estes\n"}, {"quote": "\nLet's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is cheap, but the accessories can kill you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLive within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.\n\t\t-- Josh Billings\n"}, {"quote": "\nLiving on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip\naround the Sun.\n"}, {"quote": "\nLo!  Men have become the tool of their tools.\n\t\t-- Henry David Thoreau\n"}, {"quote": "\nLoan-department manager:  \"There isn't any fine print.  At these\ninterest rates, we don't need it.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nLonesome?\n\nLike a change?\nLike a new job?\nLike excitement?\nLike to meet new and interesting people?\n\nJUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nLook, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters,\ncon-men.  That's the way businesses get started.  That's the way this\ncountry was built.\n\t\t-- Hubert Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nLots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.\n\t\t-- Frank Hubbard\n"}, {"quote": "\nLove may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.\n\t\t-- Sidney Paternoster, \"The Folly of the Wise\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nLuck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.\n\t\t-- P.E. Trudeau\n"}, {"quote": "\nMake headway at work.  Continue to let things deteriorate at home.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMan is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this--\nno dog exchanges bones with another.\n\t\t-- Adam Smith\n"}, {"quote": "\nMan must shape his tools lest they shape him.\n\t\t-- Arthur R. Miller\n"}, {"quote": "\nMany people are unenthusiastic about their work.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMany people are unenthusiastic about your work.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMany people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMater artium necessitas.\n\t[Necessity is the mother of invention].\n"}, {"quote": "\nMaternity pay?\tNow every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.\n\t\t-- Malcolm Smith\n"}, {"quote": "\nMaybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMcDonald's -- Because you're worth it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMen of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.\n\t\t-- Leonardo da Vinci\n"}, {"quote": "\nMen take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities.\n\t\t-- Napoleon Bonaparte\n"}, {"quote": "\nMental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to\ncorrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in\nfavor of smart solutions to stupid problems.\n\t\t-- Piers Anthony\n"}, {"quote": "\nMoney can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while\nyou're being miserable.\n\t\t-- C.B. Luce\n"}, {"quote": "\nMoney can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.\n\t\t-- Christopher Marlowe\n"}, {"quote": "\nMoney cannot buy love, nor even friendship.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMoney doesn't talk, it swears.\n\t\t-- Bob Dylan\n"}, {"quote": "\nMoney is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMoney is its own reward.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMoney is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMoney is the root of all wealth.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMoney is truthful.  If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.\n\t\t-- Lazarus Long\n"}, {"quote": "\nMoney isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next.\n\t\t-- Sir Edmond Stockdale\n"}, {"quote": "\nMoney may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMoney will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMoneyliness is next to Godliness.\n\t\t-- Andries van Dam\n"}, {"quote": "\nMost people will listen to your unreasonable demands, if you'll consider\ntheir unacceptable offer.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.\n\t\t-- Xaviera Hollander\n\t[The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.]\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy idea of roughing it is when room service is late.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low.\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.\n\t\t-- Errol Flynn\n\nAny man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.\n\t\t-- Errol Flynn\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"Necessity is the mother of invention\" is a silly proverb.  \"Necessity\nis the mother of futile dodges\" is much nearer the truth.\n\t\t-- Alfred North Whitehead\n"}, {"quote": "\nNeckties strangle clear thinking.\n\t\t-- Lin Yutang\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever appeal to a man's \"better nature.\"  He may not have one.\nInvoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.\n\t\t-- Lazarus Long\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever ask two questions in a business letter.  The reply will discuss\nthe one you are least interested, and say nothing about the other.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever buy from a rich salesman.\n\t\t-- Goldenstern\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever buy what you do not want because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.\n\t\t-- Thomas Jefferson\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever call a man a fool.  Borrow from him.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.\n\t\t-- Billy Rose\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.\n\t\t-- Quentin Crisp\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever let someone who says it cannot be done interrupt the person who is\ndoing it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever tell people how to do things.  Tell them WHAT to do and they will\nsurprise you with their ingenuity.\n\t\t-- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever trust anyone who says money is no object.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNever try to teach a pig to sing.  It wastes your time and annoys the pig.\n\t\t-- Lazarus Long, \"Time Enough for Love\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nNitwit ideas are for emergencies.  You use them when you've got nothing\nelse to try.  If they work, they go in the Book.  Otherwise you follow\nthe Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.\n\t\t-- Larry Niven, \"The Mote in God's Eye\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a camel --\nanything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform effectively under\nsuch difficult conditions.\n\t\t-- Laurence J. Peter\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"No job too big; no fee too big!\"\n\t\t-- Dr. Peter Venkman, \"Ghost-busters\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo one gets sick on Wednesdays.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.\n\t\t-- C. Schulz\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo skis take rocks like rental skis!\n"}, {"quote": "\nNo spitting on the Bus!\nThank you, The Mgt.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing is finished until the paperwork is done.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.\n\t\t-- A.H. Weiler\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires\ntolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.\n\t\t-- Nero Wolfe\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing motivates a man more than to see his boss put in an honest day's work.\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing recedes like success.\n\t\t-- Walter Winchell\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing succeeds like excess.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing succeeds like success.\n\t\t-- Alexandre Dumas\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing succeeds like the appearance of success.\n\t\t-- Christopher Lascl\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.\n\t\t-- Kim Hubbard\n"}, {"quote": "\nNothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must be first\novercome.\n\t\t-- Dr. Johnson\n"}, {"quote": "\nOf all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the\nreaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest\namount of hot air.\n\t\t-- Thomas L. Martin\n"}, {"quote": "\nOf course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOnce it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to sweep it up, package it,\nand sell it as fertilizer.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne good suit is worth a thousand resumes.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne possible reason that things aren't going according to plan\nis that there never was a plan in the first place.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a new model.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOnly through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOpportunities are usually disguised as hard work, so most people don't\nrecognize them.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOptimism is the content of small men in high places.\n\t\t-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, \"The Crack Up\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nOr you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes.  I would rather it were you.\nI should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but\nwe take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.\n\t\t-- J. Wellington Wells\n"}, {"quote": "\nOur business in life is not to succeed but to continue to fail in high spirits.\n\t\t-- Robert Louis Stevenson\n"}, {"quote": "\nOur country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is\nthey charge fifteen cents for them.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOur policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.\n\t\t-- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries\n"}, {"quote": "\nOverdrawn?  But I still have checks left!\n"}, {"quote": "\nOwe no man any thing...\n\t\t-- Romans 13:8\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople are always available for work in the past tense.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople seem to think that the blanket phrase, \"I only work here,\" absolves\nthem utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the public -- but this\nwas precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in the concentration camps.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople will buy anything that's one to a customer.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPlease keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPlease try to limit the amount of \"this room doesn't have any bazingas\"\nuntil you are told that those rooms are \"punched out.\"  Once punched out,\nwe have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.\n\t\t-- N. Meyrowitz\n"}, {"quote": "\nPorsche: there simply is no substitute.\n\t\t-- Risky Business\n"}, {"quote": "\nPossessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.\n\t\t-- Ryan\n"}, {"quote": "\nPractical people would be more practical if they would take a little\nmore time for dreaming.\n\t\t-- J. P. McEvoy\n"}, {"quote": "\nPromise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPromising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPromptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPut not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPut your best foot forward.  Or just call in and say you're sick.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPut your Nose to the Grindstone!\n\t\t-- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.\n"}, {"quote": "\nQuantity is no substitute for quality, but its the only one we've got.\n"}, {"quote": "\nReal wealth can only increase.\n\t\t-- R. Buckminster Fuller\n"}, {"quote": "\nReceiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than\nbeing flat broke and having a stomach ache.\n\t\t-- Dolph Sharp, \"I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nRecent investments will yield a slight profit.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRecent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man\nis being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator.\n\t\t-- C.N. Parkinson\n"}, {"quote": "\nRegardless of whether a mission expands or contracts, administrative\noverhead continues to grow at a steady rate.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRemember -- only 10"}, {"quote": " of anything can be in the top 10"}, {"quote": ".\n"}, {"quote": "\nRemember to say hello to your bank teller.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRemember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRetirement means that when someone says \"Have a nice day\", you\nactually have a shot at it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nRiches cover a multitude of woes.\n\t\t-- Menander\n"}, {"quote": "\nRule #7: Silence is not acquiescence.\n\tContrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is\n\tnot necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety.  They simply may\n\tsit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after\n\tthey regain their composure.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSave a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be\nsurprised at how little you have.\n\t\t-- Ernest Haskins\n"}, {"quote": "\nSears has everything.\n"}, {"quote": "\nServing coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.\n"}, {"quote": "\nShow me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing\ngolf with his boss.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSo you think that money is the root of all evil.  Have you ever asked what\nis the root of money?\n\t\t-- Ayn Rand\n"}, {"quote": "\nSo... did you ever wonder, do garbagemen take showers before they go to work?\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome people carve careers, others chisel them.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome people have a great ambition: to build something\nthat will last, at least until they've finished building it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the\nbook or even what book.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome people only open up to tell you that they're closed.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome people pray for more than they are willing to work for.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSome people say a front-engine car handles best.  Some people say a\nrear-engine car handles best.  I say a rented car handles best.\n\t\t-- P.J. O'Rourke\n"}, {"quote": "\nSomebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the\npens will multiply instead of disappear.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSomeday somebody has got to decide whether the typewriter is the machine,\nor the person who operates it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSomeday your prints will come.\n\t\t-- Kodak\n"}, {"quote": "\nSomeone is unenthusiastic about your work.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSuburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names\nthe streets after them.\n\t\t-- Bill Vaughn\n"}, {"quote": "\nSuccess is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSuggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSupport your local church or synagogue.  Worship at Bank of America.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSurprise due today.  Also the rent.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSurprise your boss.  Get to work on time.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTake care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.\n\t\t-- Lazarus Long\n"}, {"quote": "\nTake everything in stride.  Trample anyone who gets in your way.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTake time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your\nmerit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people\nhave given them to you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTake your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not\ntake what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.\n\t\t-- Booth Tarkington\n"}, {"quote": "\nTalent does what it can.\nGenius does what it must.\nYou do what you get paid to do.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTelephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before\nyou look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew\nbut weren't sure.  But if you're searching for something you don't\nalready know, your fingers could walk themselves to death.\n\t\t-- Erma Bombeck\n"}, {"quote": "\nTerm, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave school, and then work, work,\nwork till we die.\n\t\t-- C.S. Lewis\n"}, {"quote": "\nThat's life.\n\tWhat's life?\nA magazine.\n\tHow much does it cost?\nTwo-fifty.\n\tI only have a dollar.\nThat's life.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by\npeople who want some.\n\t\t-- Dwight MacDonald\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues,\nfor he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be\nsimply making a limiting statement about himself.\n\t\t-- Sidney Harris\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe absent ones are always at fault.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is...\n\n\tFour day work week,\n\tTwo ply toilet paper!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was\nreleased with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers,\nSages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling\na dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.\nHowever, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours\nby judging things by their price.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do\nwhat he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with\nthem while they do it.\n\t\t-- Theodore Roosevelt\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe best things in life are for a fee.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe best things in life go on sale sooner or later.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe best way to avoid responsibility is to say, \"I've got responsibilities.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are working for\nsomeone else.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up\nin the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job\napplication form.\n\t\t-- Stanley J. Randall\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos.\n\t\t-- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe cost of feathers has risen, even down is up!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe degree of technical confidence is inversely proportional to the\nlevel of management.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late\nand owns the worm farm.\n\t\t-- Travis McGee\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and\nadd ten percent.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe end of labor is to gain leisure.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute for\nexperience, while the error of age is to believe experience is a substitute\nfor intelligence.\n\t\t-- Lyman Bryson\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe faster I go, the behinder I get.\n\t\t-- Lewis Carroll\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe finest eloquence is that which gets things done.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe first 90"}, {"quote": " of a project takes 90"}, {"quote": " of the time, the last 10"}, {"quote": " takes the\nother 90"}, {"quote": " of the time.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe first myth of management is that it exists.  The second myth of\nmanagement is that success equals skill.\n\t\t-- Robert Heller\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist \"Jack.\"\n\t\t-- H.L. Mencken\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.\n\t\t-- Paul Erlich\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.\n\t\t-- Alan Coult\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe greatest productive force is human selfishness.\n\t\t-- Robert Heinlein\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe hardest part of climbing the ladder of success is getting through\nthe crowd at the bottom.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back,\nwhich reads \"Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus.  Guaranteed to be at\nleast 5000 years old.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, no sex,\nno owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.\n\t\t-- Harry V. Wade\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important\npoint to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly\nimportant thing to people.\n\t\t-- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the\nnumber of participants.\n\t\t-- Adam Walinsky\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided\nby the number of people in the group.\n"}, {"quote": " battle plan?\"\nA:\t\"So far, it seems to be going according to specks.\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for\neverything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe longer the title, the less important the job.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the bonds will\neventually mature.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, always end up on their ends\nwithout any means.\n\t\t-- Saul Alinsky\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe meek don't want it.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.\n\t\t-- J.P. Getty\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe meek shall inherit the Earth.  (But they're gonna have to fight for it.)\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe meek shall inherit the earth; but by that time there won't be\nanything left worth inheriting.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the\ncompetition already has the order.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.\n\t\t-- Richard Bach, \"Illusions\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization.  (For\ninstance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law,\ncontrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...)\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in\nthe country is the one on which you resell it.\n\t\t-- J. Brecheux\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to\nwatch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.\n\t\t-- T.H. White\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop\nand take a rest.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to\nbe avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to\nbe less cunning than more virtuous men.  Oh yes ... whenever you think\nyou've got something really great, add ten per cent more.\n\t\t-- Bill Veeck\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has\nalready been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished,\nand put inside boxes.\n\t\t-- Dave Barry, \"The Taming of the Screw\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe opossum is a very sophisticated animal.  It doesn't even get up\nuntil 5 or 6 PM.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe optimum committee has no members.\n\t\t-- Norman Augustine\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe opulence of the front office door varies inversely with the fundamental\nsolvency of the firm.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe other line moves faster.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe person who can smile when something goes wrong has thought of\nsomeone to blame it on.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.\n\t\t-- Anthony Burgess\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate\nknowledge of its ugly side.\n\t\t-- James Baldwin\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired\nwarranty.  Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing\nthe warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.\n\t\t-- Dave Barry, \"The Taming of the Screw\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, a problem, but\nnot the problem we thought was the problem.\n\t\t-- Mike Smith\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people\nworry than work.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe reward for working hard is more hard work.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe reward of a thing well done is to have done it.\n\t\t-- Emerson\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe rich get rich, and the poor get poorer.\nThe haves get more, the have-nots die.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay the\nexpense of it.\n\t\t-- Josh Billings\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market\naward for achievement.  It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal\ngesture by the individual to himself.\n\t\t-- John Kenneth Galbraith, \"Annals of an Abiding Liberal\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe secret of success is sincerity.  Once you can fake that, you've got\nit made.\n\t\t-- Jean Giraudoux\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, respectability\nand children.  Nothing can lift those seven milestones from man's neck but\nmoney; and the spirit cannot soar until the milestones are lifted.\n\t\t-- George Bernard Shaw\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe shortest distance between two points is under construction.\n\t\t-- Noelie Alito\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be\nable to correct them.\n\t\t-- Nicolaides\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe star of riches is shining upon you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands\nwhat will sell.\n\t\t-- Confucius\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance committee] will be\nin inverse proportion to the sum involved.\n\t\t-- C.N. Parkinson\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.\n\t\t-- Franklin P. Jones\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing more\nimportant to do.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody\nappreciates how difficult it was.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe trouble with money is it costs too much!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe trouble with opportunity is that it always comes disguised as hard work.\n\t\t-- Herbert V. Prochnow\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.\n\t\t-- Lily Tomlin\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe two most beautiful words in the English language are \"Cheque Enclosed.\"\n\t\t-- Dorothy Parker\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.\n\t\t-- B. Franklin\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe wages of sin are unreported.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start\nwith a large fortune.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTheir idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer... and you'd better\nnot refuse.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThem as has, gets.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThen there was the ScoutMaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of\nTates brand compasses for his troup; only $1.25 each!  Only problem was,\nwhen they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing\nto the \"W\" on the dial.\n\nMoral:\n\tHe who has a Tates is lost!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break\nabout even for all of us.  I have observed, for example, that we all get\nabout the same amount of ice.  The rich get it in the summer and the poor\nget it in the winter.\n\t\t-- Bat Masterson\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere are worse things in life than death.  Have you ever spent an evening\nwith an insurance salesman?\n\t\t-- Woody Allen\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.\n\t\t-- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929 (Black Tuesday)\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital\nand labour.  As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting\neach other's throat.\n\t\t-- Brooks Atkinson, \"Once Around the Sun\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is hardly a thing in the world that some man can not make a little\nworse and sell a little cheaper.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult when you do it\nreluctantly.\n\t\t-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him.  If he says\n\"Yes\" you know he is crooked.\n\t\t-- Groucho Marx\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere must be more to life than having everything.\n\t\t-- Maurice Sendak\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's no such thing as a free lunch.\n\t\t-- Milton Friendman\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's nothing worse for your business than extra Santa Clauses\nsmoking in the men's room.\n\t\t-- W. Bossert\n"}, {"quote": "\nThings worth having are worth cheating for.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThink lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.\n\t\t-- Darrell Royal\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis is a good time to punt work.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThose who claim the dead never return to life haven't ever been around\nhere at quitting time.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThose who do things in a noble spirit of self-sacrifice are to be avoided\nat all costs.\n\t\t-- N. Alexander.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTime is the most valuable thing a man can spend.\n\t\t-- Theophrastus\n"}, {"quote": "\nTime to take stock.  Go home with some office supplies.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.\n\t\t-- Elbert Hubbard\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo be or not to be, that is the bottom line.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo do nothing is to be nothing.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo do two things at once is to do neither.\n\t\t-- Publilius Syrus\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo get back on your feet, miss two car payments.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three\npersons, two of them absent.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo restore a sense of reality, I think Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.\n\t\t-- Jack Paar\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest\nand cost the most.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo stay youthful, stay useful.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo the landlord belongs the doorknobs.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTo thine own self be true.  (If not that, at least make some money.)\n"}, {"quote": "\nToo many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity.  They seem\nmore afraid of life than death.\n\t\t-- James F. Byrnes\n"}, {"quote": "\nToo much is not enough.\n"}, {"quote": "\nToo much of everything is just enough.\n\t\t-- Bob Wier\n"}, {"quote": "\nTruth is free, but information costs.\n"}, {"quote": "\nTwo can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.\n\t\t-- Howard Kandel\n"}, {"quote": "\nVeni, Vidi, VISA:\n\tI came, I saw, I did a little shopping.\n"}, {"quote": "\nVests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.\n"}, {"quote": "\nVital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving\nfrom where you left them to where you can't find them.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tWARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:\n\nFirings will continue until morale improves.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWaste not, get your budget cut next year.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe all live in a state of ambitious poverty.\n\t\t-- Decimus Junius Juvenalis\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.\n\t\t-- John Fisher\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call\nfree enterprise,\" said Cash McCall, \"but when one of our citizens\nshow enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do\nour best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself.\"\n\t\t-- Cameron Hawley\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog.  If we heard a noise at night,\nwe'd bark ourselves.\n\t\t-- Crazy Jimmy\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe're living in a golden age.  All you need is gold.\n\t\t-- D.W. Robertson.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWeekend, where are you?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the entrance?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be\nbroken down into subjects and predicates.  This is not because Quality\nis so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct.\n\t\t-- R. Pirsig, \"Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat this country needs is a good five cent nickel.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.\n"}, {"quote": "#^"}, {"quote": "!^"}, {"quote": "&@"}, {"quote": "@!\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhatever is not nailed down is mine.  Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.\n\t\t-- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him--that's where the money is.\n\t\t-- Robespierre\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen a fellow says, \"It ain't the money but the principle of the thing,\"\nit's the money.\n\t\t-- Kim Hubbard\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen all else fails, read the instructions.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen I works, I works hard.\nWhen I sits, I sits easy.\nAnd when I thinks, I goes to sleep.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.\n\t\t-- James H. Boren\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to\nmake a decision.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for\nevery week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss\nis away and you get twice as much done.\n\t\t-- Daniel B. Luten\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking\nabout themselves.\n"}, {"quote": "\n\tWhen the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend.\n\"Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle!  I'm strapped for cash and I haven't\nthe slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!\"\n\t\"I'm glad to hear that,\" answered Abe.  \"I was afraid you\nmight have some idea that you could borrow from me!\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you are working hard, get up and retch every so often.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you go out to buy, don't show your silver.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.\n\t\t-- The Wall Street Journal\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.\n\t\t-- Henry J. Kaiser\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhere there's a will, there's a relative.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhere there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhile money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own\nform of misery.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhile money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWho goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.\n\t\t-- Thomas Tusser\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhoever dies with the most toys wins.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy be a man when you can be a success?\n\t\t-- Bertolt Brecht\n"}, {"quote": "\nWill you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it?\nThat way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even!\n"}, {"quote": "\nWishing without work is like fishing without bait.\n\t\t-- Frank Tyger\n"}, {"quote": "\nWork expands to fill the time available.\n\t\t-- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, \"The Economist\", 1955\n"}, {"quote": "\nWork is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near\nthe earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people\nto do so.\n\t\t-- Bertrand Russell\n"}, {"quote": "\nWork is the crab grass in the lawn of life.\n\t\t-- Schulz\n"}, {"quote": "\nWork smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling.\n"}, {"quote": "\nWork without a vision is slavery, Vision without work is a pipe dream,\nBut vision with work is the hope of the world.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYesterday I was a dog.  Today I'm a dog.  Tomorrow I'll probably still\nbe a dog. Sigh!  There's so little hope for advancement.\n\t\t-- Snoopy\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right\nand the budget is big enough.\n\t\t-- Joseph E. Levine\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.\n\t\t-- Norman Douglas\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.\n\t\t-- Superchicken\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou know, the difference between this company and the Titanic is that the\nTitanic had paying customers.\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes.  I would rather it were you.\nI should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but\nwe take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.\n\t\t-- J. Wellington Wells\n"}, {"quote": "\nA can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAQUIRI!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nA dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit!\n"}, {"quote": "\nA shapely CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL is FIDGETING inside my costume..\n"}, {"quote": "\nA wide-eyed, innocent UNICORN, poised delicately in a MEADOW filled\nwith LILACS, LOLLIPOPS & small CHILDREN at the HUSH of twilight??\n"}, {"quote": "\nActually, what I'd like is a little toy spaceship!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled\nby an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll of a sudden, I want to THROW OVER my promising ACTING CAREER, grow\na LONG BLACK BEARD and wear a BASEBALL HAT!! ...  Although I don't know WHY!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll of life is a blur of Republicans and meat!\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll right, you degenerates!  I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds!\n"}, {"quote": "\nAll this time I've been VIEWING a RUSSIAN MIDGET SODOMIZE a HOUSECAT!\n"}, {"quote": "\nAlright, you!!  Imitate a WOUNDED SEAL pleading for a PARKING SPACE!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nAm I accompanied by a PARENT or GUARDIAN?\n"}, {"quote": "\nAm I elected yet?\n"}, {"quote": "\nAm I in GRADUATE SCHOOL yet?\n"}, {"quote": "\nAm I SHOPLIFTING?\n"}, {"quote": "\nAmerica!!  I saw it all!!  Vomiting!  Waving!  JERRY FALWELLING into\nyour void tube of UHF oblivion!!  SAFEWAY of the mind ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn air of FRENCH FRIES permeates my nostrils!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn INK-LING?  Sure -- TAKE one!!  Did you BUY any COMMUNIST UNIFORMS??\n"}, {"quote": "\nAn Italian is COMBING his hair in suburban DES MOINES!\n"}, {"quote": "\nAnd furthermore, my bowling average is unimpeachable!!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nANN JILLIAN'S HAIR makes LONI ANDERSON'S HAIR look like RICARDO\nMONTALBAN'S HAIR!\n"}, {"quote": "\nAre the STEWED PRUNES still in the HAIR DRYER?\n"}, {"quote": "\nAre we live or on tape?\n"}, {"quote": "\nAre we on STRIKE yet?\n"}, {"quote": "\nAre we THERE yet?\n"}, {"quote": "\nAre we THERE yet?  My MIND is a SUBMARINE!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nAre you mentally here at Pizza Hut??\n"}, {"quote": "\nAre you selling NYLON OIL WELLS??  If so, we can use TWO DOZEN!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nAre you still an ALCOHOLIC?\n"}, {"quote": "\nAs President I have to go vacuum my coin collection!\n"}, {"quote": "\nAwright, which one of you hid my PENIS ENVY?\n"}, {"quote": "\nBARBARA STANWYCK makes me nervous!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nBarbie says, Take quaaludes in gin and go to a disco right away!\nBut Ken says, WOO-WOO!!  No credit at \"Mr. Liquor\"!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nBARRY ... That was the most HEART-WARMING rendition of \"I DID IT MY\nWAY\" I've ever heard!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nBeing a BALD HERO is almost as FESTIVE as a TATTOOED KNOCKWURST.\n"}, {"quote": "\nBELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nBI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-\n"}, {"quote": "\n... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nBo Derek ruined my life!\n"}, {"quote": "\nBoy, am I glad it's only 1971...\n"}, {"quote": "\nBoys, you have ALL been selected to LEAVE th' PLANET in 15 minutes!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nBut they went to MARS around 1953!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nBut was he mature enough last night at the lesbian masquerade?\n"}, {"quote": "\nCan I have an IMPULSE ITEM instead?\n"}, {"quote": "\nCan you MAIL a BEAN CAKE?\n"}, {"quote": "\nCatsup and Mustard all over the place!  It's the Human Hamburger!\n"}, {"quote": "\nCHUBBY CHECKER just had a CHICKEN SANDWICH in downtown DULUTH!\n"}, {"quote": "\nCivilization is fun!  Anyway, it keeps me busy!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nClear the laundromat!!  This whirl-o-matic just had a nuclear meltdown!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nConcentrate on th'cute, li'l CARTOON GUYS!  Remember the SERIAL\nNUMBERS!!  Follow the WHIPPLE AVE. EXIT!!  Have a FREE PEPSI!!  Turn\nLEFT at th'HOLIDAY INN!!  JOIN the CREDIT WORLD!!  MAKE me an OFFER!!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nCONGRATULATIONS!  Now should I make thinly veiled comments about\nDIGNITY, self-esteem and finding TRUE FUN in your RIGHT VENTRICLE??\n"}, {"quote": "\nContent:  80"}, {"quote": " POLYESTER, 20"}, {"quote": " DACRONi ... The waitress's UNIFORM sheds\nTARTAR SAUCE like an 8\" by 10\" GLOSSY ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nCould I have a drug overdose?\n"}, {"quote": "\nDid an Italian CRANE OPERATOR just experience uninhibited sensations in\na MALIBU HOT TUB?\n"}, {"quote": "\nDid I do an INCORRECT THING??\n"}, {"quote": "\nDid I say I was a sardine?  Or a bus???\n"}, {"quote": "\nDid I SELL OUT yet??\n"}, {"quote": "\nDid YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?\n"}, {"quote": "\nDid you move a lot of KOREAN STEAK KNIVES this trip, Dingy?\n"}, {"quote": "\nDIDI ... is that a MARTIAN name, or, are we in ISRAEL?\n"}, {"quote": "\nDidn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?\n"}, {"quote": "\nDisco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahide pipeline running\nstraight to the tropics from the rug producing regions and devalue the dollar!\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo I have a lifestyle yet?\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space?\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo you have exactly what I want in a plaid poindexter bar bat??\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo you like \"TENDER VITTLES\"?\n"}, {"quote": "\nDo you think the \"Monkees\" should get gas on odd or even days?\n"}, {"quote": "\nDoes someone from PEORIA have a SHORTER ATTENTION span than me?\n"}, {"quote": "\ndoes your DRESSING ROOM have enough ASPARAGUS?\n"}, {"quote": "\nDON'T go!!  I'm not HOWARD COSELL!!  I know POLISH JOKES ... WAIT!!\nDon't go!!  I AM Howard Cosell! ... And I DON'T know Polish jokes!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't hit me!!  I'm in the Twilight Zone!!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't SANFORIZE me!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nDon't worry, nobody really LISTENS to lectures in MOSCOW, either! ...\nFRENCH, HISTORY, ADVANCED CALCULUS, COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, BLACK\nSTUDIES, SOCIOBIOLOGY! ...  Are there any QUESTIONS??\n"}, {"quote": "\nEdwin Meese made me wear CORDOVANS!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nEisenhower!!  Your mimeograph machine upsets my stomach!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nEither CONFESS now or we go to \"PEOPLE'S COURT\"!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nEverybody gets free BORSCHT!\n"}, {"quote": "\nEverybody is going somewhere!!  It's probably a garage sale or a\ndisaster Movie!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nEverywhere I look I see NEGATIVITY and ASPHALT ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nExcuse me, but didn't I tell you there's NO HOPE for the survival of\nOFFSET PRINTING?\n"}, {"quote": "\nFEELINGS are cascading over me!!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nFinally, Zippy drives his 1958 RAMBLER METROPOLITAN into the faculty\ndining room.\n"}, {"quote": "\nFirst, I'm going to give you all the ANSWERS to today's test ...  So\njust plug in your SONY WALKMANS and relax!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nFOOLED you!  Absorb EGO SHATTERING impulse rays, polyester poltroon!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nfor ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nFour thousand different MAGNATES, MOGULS & NABOBS are romping in my\ngothic solarium!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nFROZEN ENTREES may be flung by members of opposing SWANSON SECTS ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nFUN is never having to say you're SUSHI!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nGee, I feel kind of LIGHT in the head now, knowing I can't make my\nsatellite dish PAYMENTS!\n"}, {"quote": "\nGibble, Gobble, we ACCEPT YOU ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nGive them RADAR-GUIDED SKEE-BALL LANES and VELVEETA BURRITOS!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nGo on, EMOTE!  I was RAISED on thought balloons!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nGOOD-NIGHT, everybody ... Now I have to go administer FIRST-AID to my\npet LEISURE SUIT!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nHAIR TONICS, please!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nHalf a mind is a terrible thing to waste!\n"}, {"quote": "\nHand me a pair of leather pants and a CASIO keyboard -- I'm living for today!\n"}, {"quote": "\nHas everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES?? ...  Now, it's\ntime to \"HAVE A NAGEELA\"!!\n"}, {"quote": "\n... he dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe is the MELBA-BEING ... the ANGEL CAKE ... XEROX him ... XEROX him --\n"}, {"quote": "\nHe probably just wants to take over my CELLS and then EXPLODE inside me\nlike a BARREL of runny CHOPPED LIVER!  Or maybe he'd like to\nPSYCHOLIGICALLY TERRORISE ME until I have no objection to a RIGHT-WING\nMILITARY TAKEOVER of my apartment!!  I guess I should call AL PACINO!\n"}, {"quote": "\nHELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death!\n"}, {"quote": "\nHELLO, everybody, I'm a HUMAN!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nHello, GORRY-O!!  I'm a GENIUS from HARVARD!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nHello.  I know the divorce rate among unmarried Catholic Alaskan females!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nHello.  Just walk along and try NOT to think about your INTESTINES\nbeing almost FORTY YARDS LONG!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nHello...  IRON CURTAIN?  Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA!  World War III?  No thanks!\n"}, {"quote": "\nHello?  Enema Bondage?  I'm calling because I want to be happy, I guess ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nHere I am at the flea market but nobody is buying my urine sample bottles ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nHere I am in 53 B.C. and all I want is a dill pickle!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nHere I am in the POSTERIOR OLFACTORY LOBULE but I don't see CARL SAGAN\nanywhere!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nHere we are in America ... when do we collect unemployment?\n"}, {"quote": "\nHey, wait a minute!!  I want a divorce!! ... you're not Clint Eastwood!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nHey, waiter!  I want a NEW SHIRT and a PONY TAIL with lemon sauce!\n"}, {"quote": "\nHiccuping & trembling into the WASTE DUMPS of New Jersey like some\ndrunken CABBAGE PATCH DOLL, coughing in line at FIORUCCI'S!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nHmmm ... a CRIPPLED ACCOUNTANT with a FALAFEL sandwich is HIT by a\nTROLLEY-CAR ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nHmmm ... A hash-singer and a cross-eyed guy were SLEEPING on a deserted\nisland, when ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nHmmm ... a PINHEAD, during an EARTHQUAKE, encounters an ALL-MIDGET\nFIDDLE ORCHESTRA ... ha ... ha ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nHmmm ... an arrogant bouquet with a subtle suggestion of POLYVINYL\nCHLORIDE ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nHold the MAYO & pass the COSMIC AWARENESS ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nHOORAY, Ronald!!  Now YOU can marry LINDA RONSTADT too!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow do I get HOME?\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow do you explain Wayne Newton's POWER over millions?  It's th' MOUSTACHE\n...  Have you ever noticed th' way it radiates SINCERITY, HONESTY & WARMTH?\nIt's a MOUSTACHE you want to take HOME and introduce to NANCY SINATRA!\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow many retured bricklayers from FLORIDA are out purchasing PENCIL\nSHARPENERS right NOW??\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow's it going in those MODULAR LOVE UNITS??\n"}, {"quote": "\nHow's the wife?  Is she at home enjoying capitalism?\n"}, {"quote": "\nhubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub.\n"}, {"quote": "\nHUGH BEAUMONT died in 1982!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nHUMAN REPLICAS are inserted into VATS of NUTRITIONAL YEAST ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nI always have fun because I'm out of my mind!!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI am a jelly donut.  I am a jelly donut.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI am a traffic light, and Alan Ginzberg kidnapped my laundry in 1927!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI am covered with pure vegetable oil and I am writing a best seller!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI am deeply CONCERNED and I want something GOOD for BREAKFAST!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI am having FUN...  I wonder if it's NET FUN or GROSS FUN?\n"}, {"quote": "\nI am NOT a nut....\n"}, {"quote": "\nI appoint you ambassador to Fantasy Island!!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI brought my BOWLING BALL -- and some DRUGS!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!!  I wonder if BOB\nGUCCIONE has these problems!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI can't think about that.  It doesn't go with HEDGES in the shape of\nLITTLE LULU -- or ROBOTS making BRICKS ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nI demand IMPUNITY!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI didn't order any WOO-WOO ... Maybe a YUBBA ... But no WOO-WOO!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just\na BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more numbers!!\n"}, {"quote": "\n... I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q.\nLEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI don't know WHY I said that ... I think it came from the FILLINGS in\nmy read molars ...\n"}, {"quote": "\n... I don't like FRANK SINATRA or his CHILDREN.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI don't understand the HUMOUR of the THREE STOOGES!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI feel ... JUGULAR ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nI feel better about world problems now!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI feel like a wet parking meter on Darvon!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI feel like I am sharing a ``CORN-DOG'' with NIKITA KHRUSCHEV ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nI feel like I'm in a Toilet Bowl with a thumbtack in my forehead!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI feel partially hydrogenated!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI fill MY industrial waste containers with old copies of the \"WATCHTOWER\"\nand then add HAWAIIAN PUNCH to the top ...  They look NICE in the yard ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nI guess it was all a DREAM ... or an episode of HAWAII FIVE-O ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nI guess you guys got BIG MUSCLES from doing too much STUDYING!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI had a lease on an OEDIPUS COMPLEX back in '81 ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nI had pancake makeup for brunch!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have a TINY BOWL in my HEAD\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have a very good DENTAL PLAN.  Thank you.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have a VISION!  It's a RANCID double-FISHWICH on an ENRICHED BUN!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have accepted Provolone into my life!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS..\n"}, {"quote": "\n... I have read the INSTRUCTIONS ...\n"}, {"quote": "\n-- I have seen the FUN --\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ... I have read the\nINSTRUCTIONS ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nI have the power to HALT PRODUCTION on all TEENAGE SEX COMEDIES!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI HAVE to buy a new \"DODGE MISER\" and two dozen JORDACHE JEANS because\nmy viewscreen is \"USER-FRIENDLY\"!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI haven't been married in over six years, but we had sexual counseling\nevery day from Oral Roberts!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI hope I bought the right relish ... zzzzzzzzz ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nI hope something GOOD came in the mail today so I have a REASON to live!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI hope the ``Eurythmics'' practice birth control ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nI hope you millionaires are having fun!  I just invested half your life\nsavings in yeast!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI invented skydiving in 1989!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI joined scientology at a garage sale!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI just got my PRINCE bumper sticker ... But now I can't remember WHO he is ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nI just had a NOSE JOB!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI just had my entire INTESTINAL TRACT coated with TEFLON!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI just heard the SEVENTIES were over!!  And I was just getting in touch\nwith my LEISURE SUIT!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI just remembered something about a TOAD!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI KAISER ROLL?!  What good is a Kaiser Roll without a little COLE SLAW\non the SIDE?\n"}, {"quote": "\nI Know A Joke!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI know th'MAMBO!!  I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI know things about TROY DONAHUE that can't even be PRINTED!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI left my WALLET in the BATHROOM!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI like the way ONLY their mouths move ...  They look like DYING OYSTERS\n"}, {"quote": "\nI like your SNOOPY POSTER!!\n"}, {"quote": "\n-- I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC.  We're going away\nnow.  I fed the cat.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI love ROCK 'N ROLL!  I memorized the all WORDS to \"WIPE-OUT\" in\n1965!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI need to discuss BUY-BACK PROVISIONS with at least six studio SLEAZEBALLS!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI once decorated my apartment entirely in ten foot salad forks!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI own seven-eighths of all the artists in downtown Burbank!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI put aside my copy of \"BOWLING WORLD\" and think about GUN CONTROL\nlegislation...\n"}, {"quote": "\nI represent a sardine!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI request a weekend in Havana with Phil Silvers!\n"}, {"quote": "\n... I see TOILET SEATS ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nI selected E5 ... but I didn't hear \"Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs\"!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI smell a RANCID CORN DOG!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI smell like a wet reducing clinic on Columbus Day!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI think I am an overnight sensation right now!!\n"}, {"quote": "\n... I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with a few common\nMISAPPREHENSIONS ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nI think I'll KILL myself by leaping out of this 14th STORY WINDOW while\nreading ERICA JONG'S poetry!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI think my career is ruined!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI used to be a FUNDAMENTALIST, but then I heard about the HIGH\nRADIATION LEVELS and bought an ENCYCLOPEDIA!!\n"}, {"quote": "\n... I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI want a VEGETARIAN BURRITO to go ... with EXTRA MSG!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI want a WESSON OIL lease!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI want another RE-WRITE on my CEASAR SALAD!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI want EARS!  I want two ROUND BLACK EARS to make me feel warm 'n secure!!\n"}, {"quote": "\n... I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed within\nSIX AND A HALF HOURS!!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors d'oeuvres.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with VASELINE\nand WHEAT THINS ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nI want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!\n"}, {"quote": "\n... I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI want to read my new poem about pork brains and outer space ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nI want to so HAPPY, the VEINS in my neck STAND OUT!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI want you to MEMORIZE the collected poems of EDNA ST VINCENT MILLAY\n... BACKWARDS!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI want you to organize my PASTRY trays ... my TEA-TINS are gleaming in\nformation like a ROW of DRUM MAJORETTES -- please don't be FURIOUS with me --\n"}, {"quote": "\nI was born in a Hostess Cupcake factory before the sexual revolution!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI was making donuts and now I'm on a bus!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI wish I was a sex-starved manicurist found dead in the Bronx!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI wish I was on a Cincinnati street corner holding a clean dog!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI wonder if I could ever get started in the credit world?\n"}, {"quote": "\nI wonder if I ought to tell them about my PREVIOUS LIFE as a COMPLETE\nSTRANGER?\n"}, {"quote": "\nI wonder if I should put myself in ESCROW!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI wonder if there's anything GOOD on tonight?\n"}, {"quote": "\nI would like to urinate in an OVULAR, porcelain pool --\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'd like MY data-base JULIENNED and stir-fried!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'd like some JUNK FOOD ... and then I want to be ALONE --\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'll eat ANYTHING that's BRIGHT BLUE!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'll show you MY telex number if you show me YOURS ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm a fuschia bowling ball somewhere in Brittany\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm a GENIUS!  I want to dispute sentence structure with SUSAN SONTAG!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm a nuclear submarine under the polar ice cap and I need a Kleenex!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm also against BODY-SURFING!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm also pre-POURED pre-MEDITATED and pre-RAPHAELITE!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm ANN LANDERS!!  I can SHOPLIFT!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm changing the CHANNEL ... But all I get is commercials for \"RONCO\nMIRACLE BAMBOO STEAMERS\"!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm continually AMAZED at th'breathtaking effects of WIND EROSION!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm definitely not in Omaha!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm DESPONDENT ... I hope there's something DEEP-FRIED under this\nminiature DOMED STADIUM ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm dressing up in an ill-fitting IVY-LEAGUE SUIT!!  Too late...\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm EMOTIONAL now because I have MERCHANDISING CLOUT!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm encased in the lining of a pure pork sausage!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm GLAD I remembered to XEROX all my UNDERSHIRTS!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm gliding over a NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP near ATLANTA, Georgia!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm having a BIG BANG THEORY!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm having a MID-WEEK CRISIS!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE ... and I don't take any DRUGS\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm having a tax-deductible experience!  I need an energy crunch!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm having an emotional outburst!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm having an EMOTIONAL OUTBURST!!  But, uh, WHY is there a WAFFLE in\nmy PAJAMA POCKET??\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm having BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS about the INSIPID WIVES of smug and\nwealthy CORPORATE LAWYERS ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!!\n"}, {"quote": "\n... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM\nof a KOSHER DELI --\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm into SOFTWARE!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm meditating on the FORMALDEHYDE and the ASBESTOS leaking into my\nPERSONAL SPACE!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm mentally OVERDRAWN!  What's that SIGNPOST up ahead?  Where's ROD\nSTERLING when you really need him?\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm not an Iranian!!  I voted for Dianne Feinstein!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm not available for comment..\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm pretending I'm pulling in a TROUT!  Am I doing it correctly??\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm pretending that we're all watching PHIL SILVERS instead of RICARDO\nMONTALBAN!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm QUIETLY reading the latest issue of \"BOWLING WORLD\" while my wife\nand two children stand QUIETLY BY ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm rated PG-34!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm receiving a coded message from EUBIE BLAKE!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm RELIGIOUS!!  I love a man with a HAIRPIECE!!  Equip me with MISSILES!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm reporting for duty as a modern person.  I want to do the Latin Hustle now!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm shaving!!  I'M SHAVING!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm sitting on my SPEED QUEEN ... To me, it's ENJOYABLE ... I'm WARM\n... I'm VIBRATORY ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm thinking about DIGITAL READ-OUT systems and computer-generated\nIMAGE FORMATIONS ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm totally DESPONDENT over the LIBYAN situation and the price of CHICKEN ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm using my X-RAY VISION to obtain a rare glimpse of the INNER\nWORKINGS of this POTATO!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm wearing PAMPERS!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm wet!  I'm wild!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm young ... I'm HEALTHY ... I can HIKE THRU CAPT GROGAN'S LUMBAR REGIONS!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI'm ZIPPY the PINHEAD and I'm totally committed to the festive mode.\n"}, {"quote": "\nI've got a COUSIN who works in the GARMENT DISTRICT ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nI've got an IDEA!!  Why don't I STARE at you so HARD, you forget your\nSOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nI've read SEVEN MILLION books!!\n"}, {"quote": "\n... ich bin in einem dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr ... ich lande im\nantiken Rom ...  einige gladiatoren spielen scrabble ... ich rieche\nPIZZA ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf a person is FAMOUS in this country, they have to go on the ROAD for\nMONTHS at a time and have their name misspelled on the SIDE of a\nGREYHOUND SCENICRUISER!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American a 55-year-old houseboy ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf I am elected no one will ever have to do their laundry again!\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be\nreplaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT!\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th' collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!!\n"}, {"quote": "\n... If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate man!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!!  Or a SCIENTOLOGIST!\n"}, {"quote": "\nif it GLISTENS, gobble it!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf our behavior is strict, we do not need fun!\n"}, {"quote": "\nIf Robert Di Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will Jodie Foster marry Bonzo??\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a \"Continental\nBelt,\" for $10.99!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nIn Newark the laundromats are open 24 hours a day!\n"}, {"quote": "\nINSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as LUCY RICARDO!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nInside, I'm already SOBBING!\n"}, {"quote": "\nIs a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship?  Or are we suffering in Safeway?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIs he the MAGIC INCA carrying a FROG on his shoulders??  Is the FROG\nhis GUIDELIGHT??  It is curious that a DOG runs already on the ESCALATOR ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nIs it 1974?  What's for SUPPER?  Can I spend my COLLEGE FUND in one\nwild afternoon??\n"}, {"quote": "\nIs it clean in other dimensions?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIs it NOUVELLE CUISINE when 3 olives are struggling with a scallop in a\nplate of SAUCE MORNAY?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIs something VIOLENT going to happen to a GARBAGE CAN?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIs this an out-take from the \"BRADY BUNCH\"?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIs this going to involve RAW human ecstasy?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIs this TERMINAL fun?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIs this the line for the latest whimsical YUGOSLAVIAN drama which also\nmakes you want to CRY and reconsider the VIETNAM WAR?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIsn't this my STOP?!\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt don't mean a THING if you ain't got that SWING!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt was a JOKE!!  Get it??  I was receiving messages from DAVID LETTERMAN!!\nYOW!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's a lot of fun being alive ... I wonder if my bed is made?!?\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's NO USE ... I've gone to \"CLUB MED\"!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's OBVIOUS ... The FURS never reached ISTANBUL ... You were an EXTRA\nin the REMAKE of \"TOPKAPI\" ... Go home to your WIFE ... She's making\nFRENCH TOAST!\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's OKAY -- I'm an INTELLECTUAL, too.\n"}, {"quote": "\nIt's the RINSE CYCLE!!  They've ALL IGNORED the RINSE CYCLE!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nJAPAN is a WONDERFUL planet -- I wonder if we'll ever reach their level\nof COMPARATIVE SHOPPING ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nJesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nJesus is my POSTMASTER GENERAL ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nKids, don't gross me off ... \"Adventures with MENTAL HYGIENE\" can be\ncarried too FAR!\n"}, {"quote": "\nKids, the seven basic food groups are GUM, PUFF PASTRY, PIZZA,\nPESTICIDES, ANTIBIOTICS, NUTRA-SWEET and MILK DUDS!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nLaundry is the fifth dimension!!  ... um ... um ... th' washing machine\nis a black hole and the pink socks are bus drivers who just fell in!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nLBJ, LBJ, how many JOKES did you tell today??!\n"}, {"quote": "\nLeona, I want to CONFESS things to you ... I want to WRAP you in a SCARLET\nROBE trimmed with POLYVINYL CHLORIDE ... I want to EMPTY your ASHTRAYS ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nLet me do my TRIBUTE to FISHNET STOCKINGS ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nLet's all show human CONCERN for REVERAND MOON's legal difficulties!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nLet's send the Russians defective lifestyle accessories!\n"}, {"quote": "\nLife is a POPULARITY CONTEST!  I'm REFRESHINGLY CANDID!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nLike I always say -- nothing can beat the BRATWURST here in DUSSELDORF!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nLoni Anderson's hair should be LEGALIZED!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nLook DEEP into the OPENINGS!!  Do you see any ELVES or EDSELS ... or a\nHIGHBALL?? ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nLook into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy's charge card!\n"}, {"quote": "\nLook!  A ladder!  Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich!\n"}, {"quote": "\nLOOK!!  Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and \"Flock of\nSeagulls\" HAIRCUTS!\n"}, {"quote": "\nMake me look like LINDA RONSTADT again!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nMary Tyler Moore's SEVENTH HUSBAND is wearing my DACRON TANK TOP in a\ncheap hotel in HONOLULU!\n"}, {"quote": "\nMaybe we could paint GOLDIE HAWN a rich PRUSSIAN BLUE --\n"}, {"quote": "\nMERYL STREEP is my obstetrician!\n"}, {"quote": "\nMMM-MM!!  So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION! \n"}, {"quote": "\nMr and Mrs PED, can I borrow 26.7"}, {"quote": " of the RAYON TEXTILE production of\nthe INDONESIAN archipelago?\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy Aunt MAUREEN was a military advisor to IKE & TINA TURNER!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy BIOLOGICAL ALARM CLOCK just went off ... It has noiseless DOZE\nFUNCTION and full kitchen!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy CODE of ETHICS is vacationing at famed SCHROON LAKE in upstate New York!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy EARS are GONE!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy face is new, my license is expired, and I'm under a doctor's care!!!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy haircut is totally traditional!\n"}, {"quote": "\nMY income is ALL disposable!\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy LESLIE GORE record is BROKEN ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy life is a patio of fun!\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy mind is a potato field ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy mind is making ashtrays in Dayton ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy NOSE is NUMB!\n"}, {"quote": "\n... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift!\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy uncle Murray conquered Egypt in 53 B.C.  And I can prove it too!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nMy vaseline is RUNNING...\n"}, {"quote": "\nNANCY!!  Why is everything RED?!\n"}, {"quote": "\nNATHAN ... your PARENTS were in a CARCRASH!!  They're VOIDED -- They\nCOLLAPSED They had no CHAINSAWS ... They had no MONEY MACHINES ... They\ndid PILLS in SKIMPY GRASS SKIRTS ... Nathan, I EMULATED them ... but\nthey were OFF-KEY ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nNEWARK has been REZONED!!  DES MOINES has been REZONED!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nNipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nNot SENSUOUS ... only \"FROLICSOME\" ... and in need of DENTAL WORK ... in PAIN!!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nNow I am depressed ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nNow I think I just reached the state of HYPERTENSION that comes JUST\nBEFORE you see the TOTAL at the SAFEWAY CHECKOUT COUNTER!\n"}, {"quote": "\nNow I understand the meaning of \"THE MOD SQUAD\"!\n"}, {"quote": "\nNow I'm being INVOLUNTARILY shuffled closer to the CLAM DIP with the\nBROKEN PLASTIC FORKS in it!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nNow I'm concentrating on a specific tank battle toward the end of World War II!\n"}, {"quote": "\nNow I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beatiful, round wives of\nHOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLASS CARS and being approached\nby SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nNow KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nNow my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 23"}, {"quote": " of the SMELTING\nand REFINING industry of the state of NEVADA!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nNow that I have my \"APPLE\", I comprehend COST ACCOUNTING!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nNow, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nOf course, you UNDERSTAND about the PLAIDS in the SPIN CYCLE --\n"}, {"quote": "\nOh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nOh, I get it!!  \"The BEACH goes on\", huh, SONNY??\n"}, {"quote": "\nOkay ... I'm going home to write the \"I HATE RUBIK's CUBE HANDBOOK FOR\nDEAD CAT LOVERS\" ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nOKAY!!  Turn on the sound ONLY for TRYNEL CARPETING, FULLY-EQUIPPED\nR.V.'S and FLOATATION SYSTEMS!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nOMNIVERSAL AWARENESS??  Oh, YEH!!  First you need four GALLONS of JELL-O\nand a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th'WRENCH in the JELL-O as if\nit was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... ... or ... I ... um ... WHERE'S\nthe WASHING MACHINES?\n"}, {"quote": "\nOn SECOND thought, maybe I'll heat up some BAKED BEANS and watch REGIS\nPHILBIN ...  It's GREAT to be ALIVE!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nOn the other hand, life can be an endless parade of TRANSSEXUAL\nQUILTING BEES aboard a cruise ship to DISNEYWORLD if only we let it!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nOn the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a POINT.\n"}, {"quote": "\nOnce upon a time, four AMPHIBIOUS HOG CALLERS attacked a family of\nDEFENSELESS, SENSITIVE COIN COLLECTORS and brought DOWN their PROPERTY\nVALUES!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nOne FISHWICH coming up!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.\n"}, {"quote": "\nONE:    I will donate my entire \"BABY HUEY\" comic book collection to\n\tthe downtown PLASMA CENTER ...\nTWO:\tI won't START a BAND called \"KHADAFY & THE HIT SQUAD\" ...\nTHREE:\tI won't ever TUMBLE DRY my FOX TERRIER again!!\n"}, {"quote": "\n... or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me in MIAMI last Tuesday?\n"}, {"quote": "\nOur father who art in heaven ... I sincerely pray that SOMEBODY at this\ntable will PAY for my SHREDDED WHAT and ENGLISH MUFFIN ... and also\nleave a GENEROUS TIP ....\n"}, {"quote": "\nover in west Philadelphia a puppy is vomiting ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nOVER the underpass!  UNDER the overpass!  Around the FUTURE and BEYOND REPAIR!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nPARDON me, am I speaking ENGLISH?\n"}, {"quote": "\nPardon me, but do you know what it means to be TRULY ONE with your BOOTH!\n"}, {"quote": "\nPEGGY FLEMMING is stealing BASKET BALLS to feed the babies in VERMONT.\n"}, {"quote": "\nPeople humiliating a salami!\n"}, {"quote": "\nPIZZA!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nPlace me on a BUFFER counter while you BELITTLE several BELLHOPS in the\nTrianon Room!!  Let me one of your SUBSIDIARIES!\n"}, {"quote": "\nPlease come home with me ... I have Tylenol!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nPsychoanalysis??  I thought this was a nude rap session!!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nPUNK ROCK!!  DISCO DUCK!!  BIRTH CONTROL!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nQuick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nRELATIVES!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nRemember, in 2039, MOUSSE & PASTA will be available ONLY by prescription!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nRHAPSODY in Glue!\n"}, {"quote": "\nSANTA CLAUS comes down a FIRE ESCAPE wearing bright blue LEG WARMERS\n... He scrubs the POPE with a mild soap or detergent for 15 minutes,\nstarring JANE FONDA!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nSend your questions to ``ASK ZIPPY'', Box 40474, San Francisco, CA\n94140, USA\n"}, {"quote": "\nSHHHH!!  I hear SIX TATTOOED TRUCK-DRIVERS tossing ENGINE BLOCKS into\nempty OIL DRUMS ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nShould I do my BOBBIE VINTON medley?\n"}, {"quote": "\nShould I get locked in the PRINCICAL'S OFFICE today -- or have a VASECTOMY??\n"}, {"quote": "\nShould I start with the time I SWITCHED personalities with a BEATNIK\nhair stylist or my failure to refer five TEENAGERS to a good OCULIST?\n"}, {"quote": "\nSign my PETITION.\n"}, {"quote": "\nSo this is what it feels like to be potato salad\n"}, {"quote": "\nSo, if we convert SUPPLY-SIDE SOYABEAN FUTURES into HIGH-YIELD T-BILL\nINDICATORS, the PRE-INFLATIONARY risks will DWINDLE to a rate of 2\nSHOPPING SPREES per EGGPLANT!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nSomeone in DAYTON, Ohio is selling USED CARPETS to a SERBO-CROATIAN\n"}, {"quote": "\nSometime in 1993 NANCY SINATRA will lead a BLOODLESS COUP on GUAM!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nSomewhere in DOWNTOWN BURBANK a prostitute is OVERCOOKING a LAMB CHOP!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nSomewhere in suburban Honolulu, an unemployed bellhop is whipping up a\nbatch of illegal psilocybin chop suey!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nSomewhere in Tenafly, New Jersey, a chiropractor is viewing \"Leave it\nto Beaver\"!\n"}, {"quote": "\nSpreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!!  I wonder why?\n"}, {"quote": "\nTAILFINS!! ... click ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nTAPPING?  You POLITICIANS!  Don't you realize that the END of the \"Wash\nCycle\" is a TREASURED MOMENT for most people?!\n"}, {"quote": "\nTex SEX!  The HOME of WHEELS!  The dripping of COFFEE!!  Take me to\nMinnesota but don't EMBARRASS me!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nTh' MIND is the Pizza Palace of th' SOUL\n"}, {"quote": "\nThank god!! ... It's HENNY YOUNGMAN!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe appreciation of the average visual graphisticator alone is worth\nthe whole suaveness and decadence which abounds!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe entire CHINESE WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM all share ONE personality --\nand have since BIRTH!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe fact that 47 PEOPLE are yelling and sweat is cascading down my\nSPINAL COLUMN is fairly enjoyable!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a VEGETARIAN ...\n"}, {"quote": "\n... the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA is a barbequeued\nOYSTER!  Yum!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Korean War must have been fun.\n"}, {"quote": "\n... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe Osmonds!  You are all Osmonds!!  Throwing up on a freeway at dawn!!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY is CRYING for an END to BURT REYNOLDS movies!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe PINK SOCKS were ORIGINALLY from 1952!!  But they went to MARS\naround 1953!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThe SAME WAVE keeps coming in and COLLAPSING like a rayon MUU-MUU ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere is no TRUTH.  There is no REALITY.  There is no CONSISTENCY.\nThere are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS.   I'm very probably wrong.\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's a little picture of ED MCMAHON doing BAD THINGS to JOAN RIVERS\nin a $200,000 MALIBU BEACH HOUSE!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThere's enough money here to buy 5000 cans of Noodle-Roni!\n"}, {"quote": "\n\t\"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!\"\n\t\"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!\"\n\t\"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP\nout of MEGATON MAN!\"\n"}, {"quote": "\nThese PRESERVES should be FORCE-FED to PENTAGON OFFICIALS!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThey collapsed ... like nuns in the street ... they had no teen\nappeal!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis ASEXUAL PIG really BOILS my BLOOD ... He's so ... so ... URGENT!!\n"}, {"quote": "\n\"This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT DOG.\"\n\t\t-- Bob Violence\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis is a NO-FRILLS flight -- hold th' CANADIAN BACON!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis MUST be a good party -- My RIB CAGE is being painfully pressed up\nagainst someone's MARTINI!!\n"}, {"quote": "\n... this must be what it's like to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis PIZZA symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis PORCUPINE knows his ZIPCODE ... And he has \"VISA\"!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThis TOPS OFF my partygoing experience!  Someone I DON'T LIKE is\ntalking to me about a HEART-WARMING European film ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nThose aren't WINOS -- that's my JUGGLER, my AERIALIST, my SWORD\nSWALLOWER, and my LATEX NOVELTY SUPPLIER!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nThousands of days of civilians ... have produced a ... feeling for the\naesthetic modules --\n"}, {"quote": "\nToday, THREE WINOS from DETROIT sold me a framed photo of TAB HUNTER\nbefore his MAKEOVER!\n"}, {"quote": "\nToes, knees, NIPPLES.  Toes, knees, nipples, KNUCKLES ...\nNipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nTONY RANDALL!  Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN??\n"}, {"quote": "\nUh-oh -- WHY am I suddenly thinking of a VENERABLE religious leader\nfrolicking on a FORT LAUDERDALE weekend?\n"}, {"quote": "\nUh-oh!!  I forgot to submit to COMPULSORY URINALYSIS!\n"}, {"quote": "\nUH-OH!!  I put on \"GREAT HEAD-ON TRAIN COLLISIONS of the 50's\" by\nmistake!!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nUH-OH!!  I think KEN is OVER-DUE on his R.V. PAYMENTS and HE'S having a\nNERVOUS BREAKDOWN too!!  Ha ha.\n"}, {"quote": "\nUh-oh!!  I'm having TOO MUCH FUN!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nUH-OH!!  We're out of AUTOMOBILE PARTS and RUBBER GOODS!\n"}, {"quote": "\nUsed staples are good with SOY SAUCE!\n"}, {"quote": "\nVICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nVote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and TAX-DEFERRED!\n"}, {"quote": "\nWait ... is this a FUN THING or the END of LIFE in Petticoat Junction??\n"}, {"quote": "\nWas my SOY LOAF left out in th'RAIN?  It tastes REAL GOOD!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe are now enjoying total mutual interaction in an imaginary hot tub ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe have DIFFERENT amounts of HAIR --\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe just joined the civil hair patrol!\n"}, {"quote": "\nWe place two copies of PEOPLE magazine in a DARK, HUMID mobile home.\n45 minutes later CYNDI LAUPER emerges wearing a BIRD CAGE on her head!\n"}, {"quote": "\nWell, here I am in AMERICA..  I LIKE it.  I HATE it.  I LIKE it.  I\nHATE it.  I LIKE it.  I HATE it.  I LIKE it.  I HATE it.  I LIKE ...\nEMOTIONS are SWEEPING over me!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nWell, I'm a classic ANAL RETENTIVE!!  And I'm looking for a way to\nVICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nWell, I'm INVISIBLE AGAIN ... I might as well pay a visit to the LADIES \nROOM ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nWell, O.K.  I'll compromise with my principles because of EXISTENTIAL DESPAIR!\n"}, {"quote": "\nWere these parsnips CORRECTLY MARINATED in TACO SAUCE?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat a COINCIDENCE!  I'm an authorized \"SNOOTS OF THE STARS\" dealer!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat GOOD is a CARDBOARD suitcase ANYWAY?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat I need is a MATURE RELATIONSHIP with a FLOPPY DISK ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat I want to find out is -- do parrots know much about Astro-Turf?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat PROGRAM are they watching?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat UNIVERSE is this, please??\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhat's the MATTER Sid? ... Is your BEVERAGE unsatisfactory?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen I met th'POPE back in '58, I scrubbed him with a MILD SOAP or\nDETERGENT for 15 minutes.  He seemed to enjoy it ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen this load is DONE I think I'll wash it AGAIN ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you get your PH.D. will you get able to work at BURGER KING?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhen you said \"HEAVILY FORESTED\" it reminded me of an overdue CLEANING\nBILL ... Don't you SEE?  O'Grogan SWALLOWED a VALUABLE COIN COLLECTION\nand HAD to murder the ONLY MAN who KNEW!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhere do your SOCKS go when you lose them in th' WASHER?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhere does it go when you flush?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhere's SANDY DUNCAN?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhere's th' DAFFY DUCK EXHIBIT??\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhere's the Coke machine?  Tell me a joke!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhile my BRAINPAN is being refused service in BURGER KING, Jesuit\npriests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhile you're chewing, think of STEVEN SPIELBERG'S bank account ...  his\nwill have the same effect as two \"STARCH BLOCKERS\"!\n"}, {"quote": "\nWHO sees a BEACH BUNNY sobbing on a SHAG RUG?!\n"}, {"quote": "\nWHOA!!  Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!!  It must be the\nNEGATIVE IONS!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy are these athletic shoe salesmen following me??\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy don't you ever enter any CONTESTS, Marvin??  Don't you know your\nown ZIPCODE?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy is everything made of Lycra Spandex?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWhy is it that when you DIE, you can't take your HOME ENTERTAINMENT\nCENTER with you??\n"}, {"quote": "\nWill it improve my CASH FLOW?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWill the third world war keep \"Bosom Buddies\" off the air?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWill this never-ending series of PLEASURABLE EVENTS never cease?\n"}, {"quote": "\nWith YOU, I can be MYSELF ...  We don't NEED Dan Rather ...\n"}, {"quote": "\nWorld War III?  No thanks!\n"}, {"quote": "\nWorld War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced dress code!\n"}, {"quote": "\nWow!  Look!!  A stray meatball!!  Let's interview it!\n"}, {"quote": "\nXerox your lunch and file it under \"sex offenders\"!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYes, but will I see the EASTER BUNNY in skintight leather at an IRON\nMAIDEN concert?\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou can't hurt me!!  I have an ASSUMABLE MORTGAGE!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou mean now I can SHOOT YOU in the back and further BLUR th'\ndistinction between FANTASY and REALITY?\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou mean you don't want to watch WRESTLING from ATLANTA?\n"}, {"quote": "\nYOU PICKED KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou should all JUMP UP AND DOWN for TWO HOURS while I decide on a NEW CAREER!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYou were s'posed to laugh!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYOU!!  Give me the CUTEST, PINKEST, most charming little VICTORIAN\nDOLLHOUSE you can find!!  An make it SNAPPY!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYour CHEEKS sit like twin NECTARINES above a MOUTH that knows no BOUNDS --\n"}, {"quote": "\nYouth of today!  Join me in a mass rally for traditional mental\nattitudes!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYow!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYow!  Am I having fun yet?\n"}, {"quote": "\nYow!  Am I in Milwaukee?\n"}, {"quote": "\nYow!  And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYow!  Are we laid back yet?\n"}, {"quote": "\nYow!  Are we wet yet?\n"}, {"quote": "\nYow!  Are you the self-frying president?\n"}, {"quote": "\nYow!  Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie??\n"}, {"quote": "\nYow!  I just went below the poverty line!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYow!  I threw up on my window!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYow!  I want my nose in lights!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYow!  I want to mail a bronzed artichoke to Nicaragua!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYow!  I'm having a quadrophonic sensation of two winos alone in a steel mill!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYow!  I'm imagining a surfer van filled with soy sauce!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYow!  Is my fallout shelter termite proof?\n"}, {"quote": "\nYow!  Is this sexual intercourse yet??  Is it, huh, is it??\n"}, {"quote": "\nYow!  It's a hole all the way to downtown Burbank!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYow!  It's some people inside the wall!  This is better than mopping!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYow!  Maybe I should have asked for my Neutron Bomb in PAISLEY --\n"}, {"quote": "\nYow!  Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did to a BOWLING\nBALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYow!  Now we can become alcoholics!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYow!  Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYow!  We're going to a new disco!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYOW!!  Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYOW!!  I'm in a very clever and adorable INSANE ASYLUM!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYOW!!  Now I understand advanced MICROBIOLOGY and th' new TAX REFORM laws!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYOW!!  The land of the rising SONY!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYOW!!  Up ahead!  It's a DONUT HUT!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYOW!!  What should the entire human race DO??  Consume a fifth of\nCHIVAS REGAL, ski NUDE down MT. EVEREST, and have a wild SEX WEEKEND!\n"}, {"quote": "\nYOW!!!  I am having fun!!!\n"}, {"quote": "\nZippy's brain cells are straining to bridge synapses ...\n"}, {"quote": "\n"}]
\ No newline at end of file

From 47255fe80b804059ff69085648de48054ea491ae Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001
From: Ryan Marvin <marvinryan@ymail.com>
Date: Sun, 18 Jun 2017 17:45:08 +0300
Subject: [PATCH 23/24] [Feature] Add get equipment by slack_id

---
 app/core.py             | 31 +++++++++++++++++++++--
 app/handlers.py         | 56 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++----
 app/utils/add_emails.py |  5 ++--
 3 files changed, 82 insertions(+), 10 deletions(-)

diff --git a/app/core.py b/app/core.py
index 2ae86bf..964e264 100644
--- a/app/core.py
+++ b/app/core.py
@@ -1,9 +1,17 @@
-from app import chargers, macbooks, thunderbolts, lost, found, slack_client
+import re
+from app import chargers, macbooks, thunderbolts, lost, found, slack_client, slack_handles
 
 
+def extract_id_from_slack_handle(slack_handle):
+    '''
+    Remove slack formatting of handle eg. <@U328FG73> => U328FG73
+    '''
+    match = re.findall("<@(.*)>", slack_handle)
+    return match[0] if match else slack_handle
+
 def get_equipment(equipment_id, equipment_type):
     '''
-    Get equipment from database
+    Get equipment from database by id
     '''
     equipment = None
     if equipment_type in ["mac", "tmac", "macbook"]:
@@ -16,6 +24,25 @@ def get_equipment(equipment_id, equipment_type):
     return equipment
 
 
+def get_equipment_by_slack_id(slack_id, equipment_type):
+    '''
+    Get equipment by slack_id
+    '''
+    equipment = None
+    equipment_types = {
+        "macbook": macbooks,
+        "charger": chargers,
+        "thunderbolt": thunderbolts
+    }
+
+    collection = equipment_types[equipment_type]
+    email = slack_handles.find_one({"slack_id": slack_id})
+    if email is not None:
+        email = email["email"]
+        equipment = collection.find({"owner_email": email})
+    return equipment
+
+
 def add_lost_equipment(owner, equipment_lost):
     '''
     Add a lost item to the database
diff --git a/app/handlers.py b/app/handlers.py
index 0a5fae3..28aee6e 100644
--- a/app/handlers.py
+++ b/app/handlers.py
@@ -4,11 +4,17 @@
 import time
 import json
 from slackbot.bot import respond_to
-from app.core import get_equipment, loading_messages, build_search_reply_atachment, add_lost_equipment, search_found_equipment, remove_from_lost, search_lost_equipment, add_found_equipment, notify_user_equipment_found, remove_from_found, get_help_message
+from app.core import get_equipment, build_search_reply_atachment, add_lost_equipment, search_found_equipment, remove_from_lost, search_lost_equipment, add_found_equipment, notify_user_equipment_found, remove_from_found, get_help_message, get_equipment_by_slack_id, extract_id_from_slack_handle
 from app.config import HOME_DIR
 
 
-loading_messages = json.loads(open(HOME_DIR + "/utils/fortunes.json", "r").read())
+loading_messages = json.loads(
+    open(HOME_DIR + "/utils/fortunes.json", "r").read())
+
+EQUIPMENT_TYPES = {}
+EQUIPMENT_TYPES["macbook"] = EQUIPMENT_TYPES["tmac"] = EQUIPMENT_TYPES["mac"] = "macbook"
+EQUIPMENT_TYPES["charger"] = EQUIPMENT_TYPES["charge"] = EQUIPMENT_TYPES["procharger"] = "charger"
+EQUIPMENT_TYPES["tb"] = EQUIPMENT_TYPES["thunderbolt"] = EQUIPMENT_TYPES["thunder"] = "thunderbolt"
 
 
 @respond_to('hello$|hi$|hey$|aloha$|bonjour$', re.IGNORECASE)
@@ -34,11 +40,50 @@ def gratitude_reply(message):
     message.reply("No problemo Guillermo")
 
 
+@respond_to("(find|get|search|retrieve) (<@.*>.*?|my|me) (.*)", re.IGNORECASE)
+def find_equipment_by_slack_id(message, command, owner_handle, equipment_type):
+    '''
+    Find equipment by slack_id
+    '''
+    attachments = []
+
+    equipment_type = equipment_type.strip().lower()
+    # remove trailing apostrophes from name
+    owner_handle = owner_handle.strip("\xe2\x80\x99").strip("\xe2\x80\x99s")
+
+    if owner_handle == "my" or owner_handle == "me":
+        # assign owner_handle to user who sent message
+        owner_handle = "<@{}>".format(message._get_user_id())
+
+    if equipment_type in EQUIPMENT_TYPES:
+        time.sleep(1)
+        message.reply(random.choice(loading_messages)["quote"])
+        time.sleep(2)  # fake loading
+
+        equipment_type = EQUIPMENT_TYPES[equipment_type]
+        message.reply("Finding {}'s {}".format(owner_handle, equipment_type))
+
+        slack_id = extract_id_from_slack_handle(owner_handle)
+        equipment = get_equipment_by_slack_id(slack_id, equipment_type)
+        time.sleep(1)
+        message.reply(str([i for i in equipment]))
+    elif equipment_type not in EQUIPMENT_TYPES:
+        responses = [
+            "Yea, {} could use {}".format(owner_handle, equipment_type),
+            "I don't think {} has {}".format(owner_handle, equipment_type),
+            "That's highly unprofessional.:expressionless:",
+            "{} is perfectly fine without {}".format(owner_handle, equipment_type),
+            "Here you go {} : {}".format(owner_handle, equipment_type)
+        ]
+        time.sleep(1)
+        message.reply(random.choice(responses))
+        return
+
+
 @respond_to("(find|get|search|retrieve) (mac|tmac|macbook|charger|charge|procharger|tb|thunderbolt|thunder).*?(\d+)", re.IGNORECASE)
 def find_equipment(message, command, equipment_type, equipment_id):
     time.sleep(1)
     message.reply(random.choice(loading_messages)["quote"])
-    time.sleep(2)
 
     attachments = []
     equipment_type = equipment_type.strip().lower()
@@ -47,11 +92,11 @@ def find_equipment(message, command, equipment_type, equipment_id):
     equipment = get_equipment(int(equipment_id), equipment_type)
 
     if equipment:
+        time.sleep(2)  # fake loading
         attachments.extend(
             build_search_reply_atachment(equipment,
                                          "item"))
         time.sleep(1)
-        print attachments
         message.send_webapi('', json.dumps(attachments))
         return
     else:
@@ -117,7 +162,8 @@ def submit_found(message, equipment_type, equipment_id):
 
         if lost_equipment:
             time.sleep(1)
-            notify_user_equipment_found(submitter, lost_equipment['owner'], equipment_type)
+            notify_user_equipment_found(submitter, lost_equipment[
+                                        'owner'], equipment_type)
             message.reply("Woohoo!:tada: We've notified the owner <@{}> "
                           "that you found their {}.\nI would pat your "
                           "back if I had any hands."
diff --git a/app/utils/add_emails.py b/app/utils/add_emails.py
index c6f205c..1b84107 100644
--- a/app/utils/add_emails.py
+++ b/app/utils/add_emails.py
@@ -71,7 +71,7 @@ def add_emails_to_sheet(sheet, col, equipments):
     Add emails to spreadsheet
     Takes the sheet and the column to add the emails to
     '''
-    # loop through equipment
+    # loop through equipment db
     for equipment in equipments:
         email = equipment["owner_email"]
 
@@ -89,8 +89,7 @@ def add_emails_to_sheet(sheet, col, equipments):
     add_emails_to_db(chargers)
     print "THUNDERBOLTS"
     add_emails_to_db(thunderbolts)
-    add_emails_to_sheet(master_sheet.get_worksheet(0),
-                        6, macbooks.find())
 
+    add_emails_to_sheet(master_sheet.get_worksheet(0), 6, macbooks.find())
     add_emails_to_sheet(master_sheet.get_worksheet(1), 4, chargers.find())
     add_emails_to_sheet(master_sheet.get_worksheet(2), 4, thunderbolts.find())

From a5f76e0a594f79602bc189fe191dd727b75f5923 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001
From: Ryan Marvin <marvinryan@ymail.com>
Date: Mon, 19 Jun 2017 16:51:06 +0300
Subject: [PATCH 24/24] [Feature] Add search by slack_id

---
 app/core.py     | 77 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++--------------------
 app/handlers.py | 59 ++++++++++++++++++++++---------------
 2 files changed, 81 insertions(+), 55 deletions(-)

diff --git a/app/core.py b/app/core.py
index 964e264..e0b9ca7 100644
--- a/app/core.py
+++ b/app/core.py
@@ -1,4 +1,5 @@
 import re
+import random
 from app import chargers, macbooks, thunderbolts, lost, found, slack_client, slack_handles
 
 
@@ -9,19 +10,18 @@ def extract_id_from_slack_handle(slack_handle):
     match = re.findall("<@(.*)>", slack_handle)
     return match[0] if match else slack_handle
 
+
 def get_equipment(equipment_id, equipment_type):
     '''
     Get equipment from database by id
     '''
-    equipment = None
-    if equipment_type in ["mac", "tmac", "macbook"]:
-        equipment = macbooks.find_one({"equipment_id": equipment_id})
-    elif equipment_type in ["charger", "charge", "procharger"]:
-        equipment = chargers.find_one({"equipment_id": equipment_id})
-    elif equipment_type in ["tb", "thunderbolt", "thunder"]:
-        equipment = thunderbolts.find_one({"equipment_id": equipment_id})
-
-    return equipment
+    equipment_types = {
+        "macbook": macbooks,
+        "charger": chargers,
+        "thunderbolt": thunderbolts
+    }
+    collection = equipment_types[equipment_type]
+    return collection.find({"equipment_id": equipment_id})
 
 
 def get_equipment_by_slack_id(slack_id, equipment_type):
@@ -36,9 +36,9 @@ def get_equipment_by_slack_id(slack_id, equipment_type):
     }
 
     collection = equipment_types[equipment_type]
-    email = slack_handles.find_one({"slack_id": slack_id})
-    if email is not None:
-        email = email["email"]
+    slack = slack_handles.find_one({"slack_id": slack_id})
+    if slack is not None:
+        email = slack["email"]
         equipment = collection.find({"owner_email": email})
     return equipment
 
@@ -105,27 +105,34 @@ def notify_user_equipment_found(submitter, owner, equipment_type):
     slack_client.api_call("chat.postMessage", text=message, channel=owner)
 
 
+def generate_random_hex_color():
+    '''
+    Generate random hex color
+    '''
+    r = lambda: random.randint(0, 255)
+    return ('#%02X%02X%02X' % (r(), r(), r()))
+
+
 def build_search_reply_atachment(equipment, category):
     '''
     Returns a slack attachment to show a result
     '''
-    return [{
-        "text": "That {} belongs to {}".format(category, equipment["owner_name"]),
-                "fallback": "Equipment ID - {} | Owner - {}".format(equipment["equipment_id"], equipment["owner_name"]),
-                "color": "#4B719C",
-                "fields": [
-                    {
-                        "title": "Equipment ID",
-                        "value": "{}".format(equipment["equipment_id"]),
-                        "short": "true"
-                    },
-                    {
-                        "title": "Owner",
-                        "value": "{}".format(equipment["owner_name"]),
-                        "short": "true"
-                    }
+    return {
+        "text": "{}'s {}".format(equipment["owner_name"], category),
+        "fallback": "Equipment ID - {} | Owner - {}".format(equipment["equipment_id"], equipment["owner_name"]),
+        "color": generate_random_hex_color(),
+        "fields": [{
+            "title": "Equipment ID",
+            "value": "{}".format(equipment["equipment_id"]),
+            "short": "true"
+        },
+            {
+            "title": "Owner",
+            "value": "{}".format(equipment["owner_name"]),
+            "short": "true"
+        }
         ]
-    }]
+    }
 
 
 def get_help_message():
@@ -133,22 +140,28 @@ def get_help_message():
         {
             "text": "Sakabot helps you search, find or report a lost item "
             "whether it be your macbook, thunderbolt or charger.\n *USAGE*",
-            "color": "#4B719C",
+            "color": generate_random_hex_color(),
             "mrkdwn_in": ["fields", "text"],
             "fields": [
                 {
                     "title": "Searching for an item's owner",
                     "value": "To search for an item's owner send "
-                    "`find charger|mac|thunderbolt <item_id>` "
+                    "`find <charger|mac|thunderbolt|tb> <item_id>` "
                     "to _@sakabot_.\n eg. `find charger 41`"
                 },
+                {
+                    "title": "Check what items someone owns",
+                    "value": "To check what item someone owns "
+                    "`find <@mention|my> <charger|mac|thunderbolt>` "
+                    "to _@sakabot_.\n eg. `find my charger` or `find @ianoti tb`"
+                },
                 {
                     "title": "Reporting that you've lost an item",
                     "value": "When you lose an item, there's a chance that "
                     "somebody has found it and submitted it to Sakabot. "
                     "In that case we'll tell you who found it, otherwise, "
                     "we'll slack you in case anyone reports they found it. To "
-                    "report an item as lost send `lost charger|mac|thunderbolt <item_id>` to _@sakabot._"
+                    "report an item as lost send `lost <charger|mac|thunderbolt|tb> <item_id>` to _@sakabot._"
                     "\n eg. `lost thunderbolt 33`"
                 },
                 {
@@ -156,7 +169,7 @@ def get_help_message():
                     "value": "When you find a lost item you can report that "
                     "you found it and in case a user had reported it lost, "
                     "we'll slack them immediately telling them you found it. "
-                    "To report that you found an item send `found charger|mac|thunderbolt <item_id>` to _@sakabot_"
+                    "To report that you found an item send `found <charger|mac|thunderbolt|tb> <item_id>` to _@sakabot_"
                     "\n eg. `found mac 67`"
                 }
             ],
diff --git a/app/handlers.py b/app/handlers.py
index 28aee6e..028008b 100644
--- a/app/handlers.py
+++ b/app/handlers.py
@@ -12,9 +12,12 @@
     open(HOME_DIR + "/utils/fortunes.json", "r").read())
 
 EQUIPMENT_TYPES = {}
-EQUIPMENT_TYPES["macbook"] = EQUIPMENT_TYPES["tmac"] = EQUIPMENT_TYPES["mac"] = "macbook"
-EQUIPMENT_TYPES["charger"] = EQUIPMENT_TYPES["charge"] = EQUIPMENT_TYPES["procharger"] = "charger"
-EQUIPMENT_TYPES["tb"] = EQUIPMENT_TYPES["thunderbolt"] = EQUIPMENT_TYPES["thunder"] = "thunderbolt"
+EQUIPMENT_TYPES["macbook"] = EQUIPMENT_TYPES[
+    "tmac"] = EQUIPMENT_TYPES["mac"] = "macbook"
+EQUIPMENT_TYPES["charger"] = EQUIPMENT_TYPES[
+    "charge"] = EQUIPMENT_TYPES["procharger"] = "charger"
+EQUIPMENT_TYPES["tb"] = EQUIPMENT_TYPES[
+    "thunderbolt"] = EQUIPMENT_TYPES["thunder"] = "thunderbolt"
 
 
 @respond_to('hello$|hi$|hey$|aloha$|bonjour$', re.IGNORECASE)
@@ -58,21 +61,32 @@ def find_equipment_by_slack_id(message, command, owner_handle, equipment_type):
     if equipment_type in EQUIPMENT_TYPES:
         time.sleep(1)
         message.reply(random.choice(loading_messages)["quote"])
-        time.sleep(2)  # fake loading
 
         equipment_type = EQUIPMENT_TYPES[equipment_type]
-        message.reply("Finding {}'s {}".format(owner_handle, equipment_type))
 
         slack_id = extract_id_from_slack_handle(owner_handle)
-        equipment = get_equipment_by_slack_id(slack_id, equipment_type)
-        time.sleep(1)
-        message.reply(str([i for i in equipment]))
+        equipments = get_equipment_by_slack_id(slack_id, equipment_type)
+
+        if equipments is not None and equipments.count():
+            print equipments
+            attachments += [build_search_reply_atachment(
+                equipment, equipment_type) for equipment in equipments]
+            time.sleep(2)  # fake loading
+            print attachments
+            message.send_webapi('', json.dumps(attachments))
+        else:
+            time.sleep(1)
+            message.reply("We were unable to find a "
+                          "{} belonging to {} :snowman_without_snow:".format(
+                              equipment_type,
+                              owner_handle))
     elif equipment_type not in EQUIPMENT_TYPES:
         responses = [
             "Yea, {} could use {}".format(owner_handle, equipment_type),
             "I don't think {} has {}".format(owner_handle, equipment_type),
             "That's highly unprofessional.:expressionless:",
-            "{} is perfectly fine without {}".format(owner_handle, equipment_type),
+            "{} is perfectly fine without {}".format(
+                owner_handle, equipment_type),
             "Here you go {} : {}".format(owner_handle, equipment_type)
         ]
         time.sleep(1)
@@ -82,27 +96,26 @@ def find_equipment_by_slack_id(message, command, owner_handle, equipment_type):
 
 @respond_to("(find|get|search|retrieve) (mac|tmac|macbook|charger|charge|procharger|tb|thunderbolt|thunder).*?(\d+)", re.IGNORECASE)
 def find_equipment(message, command, equipment_type, equipment_id):
-    time.sleep(1)
-    message.reply(random.choice(loading_messages)["quote"])
-
     attachments = []
-    equipment_type = equipment_type.strip().lower()
-    print equipment_type
+    equipment_type = EQUIPMENT_TYPES[equipment_type.strip().lower()]
     # get equipment from db
-    equipment = get_equipment(int(equipment_id), equipment_type)
+    equipments = get_equipment(int(equipment_id), equipment_type)
 
-    if equipment:
-        time.sleep(2)  # fake loading
-        attachments.extend(
-            build_search_reply_atachment(equipment,
-                                         "item"))
+    if equipments is not None and equipments.count():
         time.sleep(1)
-        message.send_webapi('', json.dumps(attachments))
+        message.reply(random.choice(loading_messages)["quote"])
+
+        attachments += [build_search_reply_atachment(
+            equipment, equipment_type) for equipment in equipments]
+        time.sleep(2)  # fake loading
+
+        text = "\n" if equipments.count() < 2 else "\n*There seem to have been more than one version of this item*"
+        message.send_webapi(text, json.dumps(attachments))
         return
     else:
         time.sleep(1)
-        message.reply("We were unable to find an "
-                      "item by the id {} :snowman_without_snow:".format(equipment_id))
+        message.reply("We were unable to find a "
+                      "{} by the id {} :snowman_without_snow:".format(equipment_type, equipment_id))
 
 
 @respond_to("lost (mac|tmac|macbook|charger|charge|procharger|tb|thunderbolt|thunder).*?(\d+)")