If you find these materials useful, please contribute to BayNVC
Bay Area Nonviolent Communication P.O. Box 22872 Oakland, CA 94609 510-433-0700 [email protected] www.baynvc.org
Center for Nonviolent Communication 5600 San Francisco Rd. NE Suite A Albuquerque, NM, 87109 505-244-4041 [email protected] www.cnvc.org
Website for NVC publications www.nonviolentcommunication.com
- Key Assumptions and Intentions of NVC
- I. Assumptions Underlying the Practice of Nonviolent Communication
- II. Key Intentions when Using Nonviolent Communication
- Basics of Nonviolent Communication
- I. Introduction
- II. Language, Practice, and Intention
- III. The Components of the NVC Language
- IV. Empathy
- V. Self-Empathy
- Nonviolent Communication Quick Reference Guide
- Conventional Patterns of Communication
- Non-Empathic Responses
- Feelings/Emotions – Partial List
- Universal Human Needs – Partial List
- Journal: Discovering Needs behind Actions and Choices
- Journal: Layers of Self-Connection
- Journal: Facets of Self-Connection
- Journal: Working with Our "Limitations"
- Journal: Mourning and Self-Compassion
- Journal: Mourning and Learning Daily Practice
© 2014 Inbal Kashtan and Miki Kashtan • [email protected] • www.baynvc.org • 510-433-0700
If you want to share these materials, visit http://bit.ly/material-share for information about what we ask of you.
Our ideas about individual and collective human nature have evolved and will continue to evolve. These ideas shape our expectations of what's possible, the social structures we create, and how we interact with ourselves and other people. Therefore the assumptions we make can have a profound effect on the life we live and the world we collectively create.
Following are key assumptions that NVC practice is based on. Many traditions share these assumptions; NVC gives us concrete, powerful tools for putting them into practice. When we live based on these assumptions, self-connection, and connection with others become increasingly possible and easy.
- All human beings share the same needs : We all have the same needs, although the strategies we use to meet these needs may differ. Conflict occurs at the level of strategies coupled with interpretations, not at the level of needs.
- All actions are attempts to meet needs : Our desire to meet needs, whether conscious or unconscious, underlies every action we take. We only resort to violence or other actions that do not meet our own or others' needs when we do not recognize the existence of more effective strategies for meeting needs.
- Feelings point to needs being met or unmet : Feelings may be triggered but not caused by others. Our feelings arise directly out of our experience of whether our needs seem to us met or unmet in a given circumstance. Our assessment of whether or not our needs are met almost invariably involves an interpretation or belief. When our needs are met, we may feel happy, satisfied, peaceful, etc. When our needs are not met, we may feel sad, scared, frustrated, etc.
- The most direct path to peace is through self-connection : Our capacity for peace is not dependent on having our needs met. Even when many needs are unmet, meeting our need for self-connection can be sufficient for inner peace.
- Choice is internal : Regardless of the circumstances, we can meet our need for autonomy by making conscious choices based on awareness of needs; at the very least in terms of the choice of the meaning we assign to the circumstances.
- All human beings have the capacity for compassion : We have an innate capacity for compassion, though not always the knowledge of how to access it. When we are met with compassion and respect for our autonomy, we tend to have more access to our own compassion for ourselves and for others. Growing compassion contributes directly to our capacity to meet needs peacefully.
- Human beings enjoy giving : We inherently enjoy contributing to others when we have connected with our own and others' needs and can experience our giving as coming from choice.
- Human beings meet needs through interdependent relationships : We meet many of our needs through our relationships with other people and with nature, though some needs are met principally through the quality of our relationship with ourselves and for some, with a spiritual dimension to life. When others' needs are not met, some needs of our own also remain unmet.
- Our world offers abundant resources for meeting needs : When human beings are committed to valuing everyone's needs, are able to discern how much they actually need, and have regained their skills for fostering connection and their creativity about sharing resources, we can overcome our current crisis of imagination and find ways to attend to everyone's basic needs.
- Human beings change : Both our needs and the strategies we have to meet them change over time.
Wherever we find ourselves and each other in the present, individually and collectively, all human beings have the capacity to grow and change.
Having clarity about our intentions can help us live and act in line with our values. We hold the following intentions when using NVC because we believe that they enrich our lives and contribute to a world where everyone's needs are attended to peacefully.
- Self-compassion : We aim to release all self-blame, self-judgments, and self-demands, and meet ourselves with compassion and understanding for the needs we try to meet through all our actions.
- Expressing from the heart : When expressing ourselves, we aim to speak from the heart, expressing our feelings and needs, and making specific, do-able requests that take into considerations the structural and cultural context within which we interact.
- Receiving with compassion : When we hear others, we aim to hear the feelings and needs behind their expressions and actions, regardless of their social location and how they express themselves, even if their expression or actions do not meet our needs (e.g. judgments, demands, discounting, denial of responsibility, or physical violence).
- Prioritizing connection : We aim to focus on connecting open-heartedly with everyone's needs before seeking solutions, even in challenging situations, so as to increase the chances of a solution that works for all.
- Beyond "right" and "wrong" : We aim to transform our habit of making "right" and "wrong" assessments (moralistic judgments), and to focus instead on whether or not human needs appear met (need-based assessments).
- Taking responsibility for our feelings : We aim to connect our feelings to our own needs, recognizing that others do not have the power to make us feel anything. This recognition empowers us to take action to meet our needs instead of waiting for others to change.
- Taking responsibility for our actions : We aim to recognize our choice in each moment, and take actions that we believe will most likely meet our needs with the least cost possible to others. We aim to avoid taking actions motivated by fear, guilt, shame, desire for reward, or ideas of duty, obligation, or deserving.
- Living in peace with unmet needs : We aim to make room for and embrace our feelings when we experience our needs as unmet, connecting with the needs rather than insisting on meeting them.
- Increasing capacity for meeting needs : We aim to develop our internal resources, particularly our NVC skills, so we can contribute to more connection and greater diversity of strategies for meeting more needs of more people at least cost to others and nature.
- Increasing capacity for meeting the present moment : We aim to develop our capacity to connect in each moment with our own and others' needs, and to respond to present stimuli in the moment instead of through static stories about who we and others are.
- Caring fully for everyone's needs : We aim to make requests and not demands, thus staying open to the other's strategies to meet their needs. When hearing a "No" to our request, or when saying "No" to another's request, we aim to work towards solutions that attend to everyone's needs, not just our own, and not just the other person's. We aim to do so with an understanding of how power differences affect our own and others' capacity to hear and say "No".
- Increasing capacity for needs-based sharing of resources : We aim to develop and practice needs-based strategies for sharing our world's resources with the goal of meeting the most needs for the most number of people and for the natural environment.
- Protective use of force : We aim to use the minimum force necessary in order to protect, not to educate, punish, or get what we want without the other's agreement; with the most love possible; and only in situations where we find that dialogue fails to attend to an immediate or ongoing harm especially as it relates to a need for physical safety. We aim to return to efforts to establish dialogue as soon as we have attended to the situation at hand.
© 2014 Inbal Kashtan and Miki Kashtan • [email protected] • www.baynvc.org • 510-433-0700
If you want to share these materials, visit http://bit.ly/material-share for information about what we ask of you.
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) has been described as a language of compassion, as a tool for positive social change, and as a spiritual practice. NVC gives us the tools and consciousness to understand what triggers us, to take responsibility for our reactions, and to deepen our connection with ourselves and others, thereby transforming our habitual responses to life. Ultimately, it involves a radical change in how we think about life and meaning. NVC is based on a fundamental principle:
Underlying all human actions are needs that people are seeking to meet, and understanding and acknowledging these needs can create a shared basis for connection, cooperation, and more globally – peace.
Understanding each other at the level of our needs creates such connection because, at this deeper human level, the similarities between us outweigh the differences, giving rise to greater compassion. When we focus on needs, without interpreting or conveying criticism, blame, or demands, our deeper creativity flourishes, and solutions arise that were previously blocked from our awareness. At this depth, conflicts and misunderstandings can be resolved with greater ease.
Learning NVC is a process similar to learning a new language or skill: step-by-step learning coupled with ample time for practice lead to growing mastery. While it takes time to develop fluency, any knowledge of a new language makes it more likely that communication can take place. In addition, because NVC invites us to a level of vulnerability and caring that often are not familiar or habitual, full integration of the consciousness underlying this language is likely to require changes in our internal connection to ourselves, and healing of past pain.
The language of NVC includes two parts: honestly expressing ourselves to others, and empathically hearing others. Both are expressed through four components - observations, feelings, needs, and requests – though empathic connection primarily relies on connection at the level of feelings and needs, hence observations and requests may or may not be articulated. Practicing NVC involves distinguishing these components from judgments, interpretations, and demands, and learning to embody the consciousness embedded in these components in order to express ourselves and hear ourselves and others in ways more likely to foster understanding and connection, to support everyone involved in getting their needs met, and to nurture in all of us a joy in giving and in receiving. The practice also includes empathic connection with ourselves - "self- empathy." The purpose of self-empathy is to support us in maintaining connection with our own needs, choosing our actions and responses based on self-connection and self-acceptance.
NVC was developed by Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg, who has introduced it to individuals and organizations world-wide. NVC has been used between warring tribes and in war-torn countries; in schools, prisons, and corporations; in health care, social change, and government institutions; and in intimate personal relationships. Currently, hundreds of certified trainers and many more non-certified trainers around the world are sharing NVC in their communities.
Although the bulk of this section is about specific practices and concrete steps, the ultimate aim of NVC is to create the conditions – within, with others, in our groups and organizations, and in the world's systems – that allow the flourishing of all life, where all needs are held with utmost care.
Hundreds of thousands of people have found the specific practices of NVC extremely beneficial to them, to the point of transforming their experience of life and creating relationships and workplaces that are aligned with this larger vision.
In order for these practices to be of support to you and others around you, it may be useful to remember the following:
• Focus on the precision and depth of the practice when you are practicing. In the rest of your life, prioritize authenticity, relying on your heart's integration of your intentions. • In particular, if you are entirely new to NVC, you might want to consider practicing only internally for a period of some months before trying out any new forms of expression with others. • When with others, make sure they are in voluntary agreement to participate with your efforts to integrate a new language and approach to life before you try using specific linguistic forms.
Observations are what we see or hear that we identify as the stimulus to our reactions. Our aim is to describe what we are reacting to concretely, specifically and neutrally, much as a video camera might capture the moment. This helps create a shared reality with the other person. The observation gives the context for our expression of feelings and needs, and may not even be needed if both people are clear about the context. That said, many factors influence what we see or hear, which challenges any notion that there is some kind of a "pure" observation that is independent of human agreement, power differences, cultural norms, and the like.
The key to making an observation is to separate our own judgments, evaluations or interpretations from our description of what happened. For example, if we say: "You're rude," the other person may disagree, while if we say: "When I saw you walk in and I didn't hear you say hello to me," the other person is more likely to recognize the moment that is described.
When we are able to describe what we see or hear in a way that is as free from evaluations as possible, we raise the likelihood that the person listening to us will hear what we say without immediately wanting to respond and will be more willing to hear our feelings and needs.
In addition to the potential support that moving towards observational language offers in dialogue with another person, this practice also has aids our inner liberation. Learning to translate judgments and interpretations into observation language moves us away from right/wrong thinking and helps us take responsibility for our reactions by directing our attention to our needs as the source of our feelings rather than to the other person. In this way, observations – paving the way towards greater connection with ourselves and with others – emerge as a crucial building block towards a profound consciousness shift.
Feelings represent our emotional experience and physical sensations associated with our needs when we experience them as met or unmet (see below). Our aim is to identify, name, and connect with those feelings.
The key to identifying and expressing feelings is to focus on words that describe our inner experience rather than words that describe our interpretations of people's actions. For example: "I feel lonely" describes an inner experience, while "I feel like you don't love me" describes an interpretation of how the other person may be feeling.
When we express our feelings, we continue the process of taking responsibility for our experience, with both inner and outer benefits. Internally, we become more alive, more connected to ourselves, and more able to notice our own source of power. Externally, this shift helps others hear what's important to us with less likelihood of hearing criticism or blame of themselves. This increases the likelihood that they will respond in a way that will ultimately attend to both our needs.
The list of feelings that's included in this packet is neither exhaustive nor definitive; it is offered as a resource for exploration and discovery of the richness of our emotional life.
Our needs are an expression of our deepest shared humanity. All human beings share key needs for survival: hydration, nourishment, rest, shelter, and connection to name a few. We also share many other needs, though we may experience them to varying degrees and with more or less intensity at various times.
In the context of NVC, needs refer to what is most alive in us: our core values and deepest human longings. Understanding, naming, and connecting with our needs helps us improve our relationship with ourselves, as well as foster understanding with others, so we are all more likely to take actions that attend to everyone's needs.
The key to identifying, expressing, and connecting with needs is to focus on words that describe shared human experience rather than words that describe the particular strategies to meet those needs. Whenever we include a person, a location, an action, a time, or an object in our expression of what we want (remember the acronym PLATO), we are describing a strategy rather than a need. For example: "I want you to come to my birthday party" may be a particular strategy to meet a need for love and connection. In this case, we have a person, an action, and an implied time and location in the original statement. The internal shift from focusing on a specific strategy to connecting with needs often results in a sense of power and liberation, as we can free ourselves from being attached to one particular strategy by identifying the underlying needs and exploring alternative strategies.
Feelings arise when our needs are met or not met, which happens at every moment of life. Our feelings are related to the stimulus, but they are not caused by the stimulus: their source is our own experience, the meaning we assign to the experience as it relates to our needs, and our sense of whether our needs are met or not. By connecting our feelings with our needs, therefore, we take full responsibility for our feelings, freeing us and others from fault and blame. And by expressing our unique experience in the moment of a shared human reality of needs, we create the most likely opportunity for another person to see our humanity and to experience empathy and understanding for us.
Connecting with our needs also supports us in growing our sense of choice. To the extent that we can use our needs as guides to action and decision-making rather than obligation, fear of consequences, desire for reward, guilt, shame, or any other motivation, we expand our capacity to choose freely and grow our sense of integrity and full humanity.
Attending to needs at all levels is also a fundamental shift at the social level, pointing the way for creating agreements, organizations, and larger systems that are based on matching resources to needs rather than on principles rooted in scarcity, separation, and powerlessness, such as profit maximization, certain forms of efficiency, or evaluation of merit. One of the deepest shifts that a focus on needs makes possible is to begin to change longstanding patterns of prioritizing the needs and perspectives of some groups and, instead, reorienting towards having the needs of all life included in design and implementation of systems at all levels.
The list of needs that's included in this packet is by no means exhaustive or definitive. It is offered as a resource for identifying and experiencing your own needs and guessing others' needs. The needs on this list appear in their most abstract, general, and universal form. Each person can find inside herself or himself the specific nuance and flavor of these broader categories, which will describe more fully her or his experience.
In order to meet our needs, we make requests to assess how likely we are to get cooperation for particular strategies we have in mind for meeting our needs, always aiming to do so without cost to others. Our aim is to identify and express a specific action that we believe will serve this purpose, and then check with others involved about their willingness to participate in meeting our needs in this way. In any given moment, our connection with another strongly influences the quality of their response to our request. Therefore often our requests in the moment are "connection requests," intended to foster connection and understanding and to move our dialogue forward by seeing if we have sufficiently connected to move to a "solution request." An example of a connection request might be: "Would you tell me if you heard any criticism in what I just said?" An example of a solution request might be "Would you be willing to take your shoes off when you come in the house?"
The spirit of requests relies on our willingness to hear a "no" and to continue to work with ourselves or others to find ways to meet everyone's needs. Whether we are making a request or a demand is often evident by our response when our request is denied. A denied demand will lead to punitive consequences; a denied request most often will lead to further dialogue. We recognize that "no" is an expression of some need that is preventing the other person from saying "yes". If we trust that through dialogue we can find strategies to meet both of our needs, "no" is simply information to alert us that saying "yes" to our request may be too costly in terms of the other person's needs. We can then continue to seek connection and understanding to allow additional strategies to arise that will work to meet more needs.
To increase the likelihood that our requests would be understood, we attempt to use language that is as concrete and doable as possible, and that is truly a request rather than a demand. For example, "I would like you to always come on time" is unlikely to be doable, while "Are you up for spending 15 minutes with me talking about what may help you arrive at 9 am to our meetings?" is concrete and doable. While a person may assent to the former expression ("Yes, I'll always come on time"), our deeper needs – for connection, confidence, trust, responsibility, respect, or others - are likely to not be attended to.
If someone agrees to our request out of fear, guilt, shame, obligation, or the desire for reward, this compromises the quality of connection and trust between us. When we are able to express a clear request, we raise the likelihood that the person listening to us will experience choice in their response. As a consequence, while we may not gain immediate assent to our wishes, we are more likely to get our needs met over time because we are building trust that everyone's needs matter. Within an atmosphere of such trust, goodwill increases, and with it a willingness to support each other in getting our needs met.
Learning to make clear requests and shifting our consciousness to making requests in place of demands are very challenging skills for most people. People often find the request part to be the hardest, because of what we call a "crisis of imagination": a difficulty in identifying a strategy that could actually meet our needs without being at the expense of other needs. Even before considering the needs of others, the very act of coming up with what we call a positive, doable request is challenging. We are habituated to thinking in terms of what we want people to stop doing ("don't yell at me"), and how we want them to be ("treat me with respect") rather than what we want them to do ("Would you be willing to lower your voice or talk later?"). With time, and a deeper connection to our needs, our creativity expands to imagine and embrace more strategies.
This fourth step is critical to our ability to create the life we want. In particular, shifting from demands to requests entails a leap in focus and in faith: we shift from focusing on getting our needs met, to focusing on the quality of connection that will allow both of our needs to truly matter and ultimately also to be met.
An added complexity in learning to make requests and stay in dialogue is that another person may hear a demand even when we are making a request, and thus may not find a way to say "no" even if what we are asking for is not going to work for them. This is especially true when there are power differences between us. Both in terms of our role within a relationship (boss and employee, parent and child, doctor and patient) and in terms of our social location and the different relative priority that different groups' needs receive in many societies, some of us will be more challenged than others in terms of saying "no" to others' request. In the same way, in similar conditions, some people may experience a reluctance to make requests at all. Our task of liberation of self and all means that when we are in a position of more power or in a social location that carries a privilege, is to consciously take on the extra effort of making it easier for the other person to say "no."
Expressing our own observations, feelings, needs, and requests to others is one part of the language of NVC. The second part is empathy: the process of connecting with another's experience, often by guessing their feelings and needs, and many times doing so nonverbally. In times of conflict, communicating to another person in words that we understand their feelings and that their needs matter to us can be a powerful turning point in problem situations. Demonstrating that we have such understanding is not the same as agreeing to act in ways that don't meet our own needs. In that way, the language of NVC often helps us relate with others.
Connecting empathically with another person is a way to meet our own needs – for understanding, connection, contribution, or others. At the same time, we hope that the empathy would meet the other person's needs as well, and would aid both of us in finding strategies that would meet our needs.
The heart of empathy is in our ability to compassionately connect with our own and others' humanity. Offering our empathic presence, in this sense, is one strategy (or request) through which we can meet our own needs. It is a gift to another person and to ourselves of our full presence.
When we want to use the actual language of NVC to connect empathically with words, beyond just our presence, we use the same four components in the form of a question, since we can never know what is going on inside the other. The other person will always be the ultimate authority on what is going on for them. Our empathy may meet other people's needs for understanding, or it may spark their own self-discovery. We may ask something like:
[When you [see, hear, etc...] ....]
Are you feeling .....
Because you need .....
[And would you like .....?]
Most often, in an ongoing process of dialogue, there is no need to mention either the observation (it is usually clear in the context of communication) or the request (since we are already acting on an assumed connection request for empathy and understanding). We might get to guessing a request when we have connected more and we are ready to explore strategies. Also, in many contexts, even the feelings are not necessary, because we can demonstrate our understanding simply by focusing on what the other person wants. In addition, in many contexts, speaking of feelings may invite more vulnerability than the other person might want to display.
Because responding empathically through asking questions about the other person's inner experience is often unfamiliar to people, it may be helpful to name our intention or need before making the empathic guess, helping the other person understand why we are asking these questions. This may look like saying: "I want to check my understanding of what's going on for you in this moment" followed by a question. Another way to make it easier to hear is to preface our guess by words that acknowledge that we are making a guess and don't know, such as: "I imagine that you might be feeling you feeling ... and that you might want ..." and then to add as question, such as: "Am I getting it?" The point of responding empathically is to support the other person in feeling heard, not to use a particular form of speech. In addition, responding empathically assumes a level of trust between the two individuals that may be affected by many factors, including any power differences between us.
In the process of sharing empathy between two people, if both parties are able to connect at the heart level, a transformation often happens in which one or both parties experience a shift in intention and attention. This can lead to a shift of needs or generate new reserves of kindness and generosity, or, in seemingly impossible situations, it can open us to remarkable bursts of creative solutions that were unimaginable when clouded by disconnection. Those are moments of deep human connection, satisfaction, and hope.
Both expression of our own feelings and needs and empathic guesses of others' feelings and needs are grounded in a particular consciousness which is at the heart of NVC. This consciousness is nurtured by the practice of self-empathy.
In self-empathy, we bring the same compassionate attention to ourselves that we give to others when listening to them. This means listening through any interpretations and judgments we are making to clarify how we are in terms of our feelings and needs. This inner awareness and clarity supports us in choosing our next step: expressing ourselves to others, or receiving them with empathy. This next step is our request to ourselves about where we want to focus our attention.
The practice of NVC entails an intention to connect compassionately with ourselves and with others, and an ability to keep our attention in the present moment – which includes being aware that sometimes in this present moment we are recalling the past or imagining a future possibility.
Often self-empathy comes easy, as we access our sensations, emotions, and needs to attune to how we are. However, in moments of conflict or reactivity to others, we may find ourselves reluctant to access an intention to connect compassionately, and we may falter in our capacity to attend to the present moment. Self-empathy at times like this has the power to transform our disconnected state of being and return us to our compassionate intention and present-oriented attention. With practice, many people find that self-empathy alone sometimes resolves inner conflicts and conflicts with others as it transforms our experience of life.
At other times, even after self-connection we remain disconnected from the other person. At such times, the process of humanizing the other person by guessing, internally, their feelings and needs may provide the missing bridge to full self-connection. This is because our own upset feelings often are related to losing sight of the other person's humanity. In such times, finding a needs-based way to make sense of that person's experience, actions, or words can provide enormous relief and be the final key to opening our hearts to life.
The following page summarizes the NVC language all in one table.
© 2014 Inbal Kashtan and Miki Kashtan • [email protected] • www.baynvc.org • 510-433-0700
If you want to share these materials, visit http://bit.ly/material-share for information about what we ask of you.
| Expression | Empathy |
|---|---|
| Observation When I see/hear |
Observation When you see/hear... |
| Feeling I feel |
Feeling Are you feeling... |
| Need Because I need... |
Need Because you need... |
| Request Would you be willing…? |
Request Would you like me to... |
- Observations : As purse a description as possible of what is seen or heard with awareness that power differences affect what stands out to be described and what remains invisible. For example, instead of "She's having a temper tantrum," you could say "She is lying on the floor crying and kicking." If referring to what someone said quote as much as possible instead of rephrasing.
- Feelings : Our emotions rather than our story or thoughts about what others are doing. For example, instead of "I feel manipulated," which includes an interpretation of another's behavior, you could say "I feel uncomfortable." Avoid the following phrasing: "I feel like . . . " and "I feel that..." – as the next words will likely be thoughts, not feelings.
- Needs : Feelings arise because of our needs, which are universal and ongoing and not dependent on the actions of particular individuals. State your need rather than the other person's actions as the cause. For example, "I feel annoyed because I need support" rather than "I feel annoyed because you didn't do the dishes."
- Requests : Asking concretely and clearly for what we want (instead of what we don't want). For example, "Would you be willing to come back tonight at the time we've agreed?" rather than "Would you make sure not to be late again?" By definition, when we make requests we are open to a "no," taking it as an opportunity for further dialogue, with awareness that power differences affect our ability to hear and say "No".
- Empathy : In NVC, we empathize by focusing on feelings and needs, aiming to understand rather than "getting it right," with awareness that power differences interfere with the trust necessary for giving and receiving empathy. The observation and request are sometimes dropped. When words are not wanted or are hard to offer, empathy can be offered nonverbally.
- Self-Empathy : In self-empathy, we listen inwardly to connect with our own feelings and needs. It is that connection which enables us to choose our next step.
© Center for Nonviolent Communication • [email protected] • www.cnvc.org • 505-244-4041
Adapted from CNVC materials, with the addition of a 5th category.
- Diagnosis – Criticism, Judgment, Analysis, Comparison, Blame: Implying wrongness or badness. e.g. "You are too sensitive."
- Demands – Making requests which implicitly or explicitly threaten some form of blame or punishment if the request is not acted upon. e.g. "Please type up this report. I am going to be very upset if it's not ready in time."
- Deserve – Justification of Reward and Punishment: Implying that certain actions merit reward and certain actions merit punishment. e.g. "He deserves to be punished for what he did."
- Denial of Responsibility – Attributing the cause of our actions or feelings to anything other than our needs:
- Others' Actions : "I fired my secretary because she didn't type my reports in time."
- Dictates of Authority : "I misrepresented our earnings in our accounting system because my boss told me to."
- Institutional Policies, Rules, hand Regulations : "I can't stop giving grades because it's the school's policy."
- Group Pressure : "I drink after work because everyone else does."
- Gender, Social or Age Roles : "I hate going to work but I do it because I am a father and a husband."
- Uncontrollable Impulses : "I couldn't help flirting with her."
- Diagnosis, Psychological History : "I yell at my children because I grew up in a dysfunctional family."
- Vague, Impersonal Forces : "We have to put people in prison because otherwise nobody would be safe in the streets."
- Discounting – Any use of language which denies either individual experience or the ways individuals are affected by systems. This may involve denying differences, which can invalidate individual experience. It also may involve framing reality only at the individual level without acknowledging a systemic dimension. Or, it may involve seeing a person only as a representative of a category of people instead of in their full humanity.
© 2014 Inbal Kashtan and Miki Kashtan • [email protected] • www.baynvc.org • 510-433-0700
If you want to share these materials, visit http://bit.ly/material-share for information about what we ask of you.
The following categories are taken from the book Leader Effectiveness Training by Thomas Gordon. The examples are in response to a friend telling you that she is having a drinking problem.
- Ordering : Tell the person what to do. e.g. "Don't just tell me, go to an AA meeting."
- Threatening : Tell the person what the consequences will be if they (don't) do something. e.g. "If you don't do something about it, it's only going to get worse."
- Preaching : Telling the person what they ought to do. e.g. "Everyone knows that alcoholism is a serious disease and you should really take it seriously."
- Advising : Providing suggestions or solutions. e.g. "I know a very good therapist who's very experienced in dealing with addictions."
- Teaching : Persuading with logic, or lecturing. e.g. "You really need to get help. The statistics are really compelling, and people don't get out of this situation on their own."
- Judging : Criticizing the person or their point of view. e.g. "I can't believe you, of all people, would have a drinking problem."
- Buttering up : Agreeing with them. e.g. "A little drink here and there doesn't do anyone any harm."
- Ridiculing : Making the person feel foolish. e.g. "Next thing you know you'll get into drugs, too."
- Interpreting : Telling the person what their motives are. e.g. "I think you're drinking because you are afraid to face reality.
- Reassuring : Making the feelings go away. e.g. "It can't be as bad as you're saying. You'll get over this problem easily."
- Interrogating : Using questions to change their feelings or behavior. e.g. "Why do you keep this a secret from your husband?"
- Distracting : Laughing at or escaping from the feelings. e.g. "I hope you're not wasting your energy on cheap quality wine."
What might be an empathic response to this friend?
(internal sensations, without reference to thoughts, interpretations)
This list is a collaborative effort of many, and adapted from Marshall Rosenberg's original list
The following are words we use when we want to express a combination of mental states and physical sensations. This list is neither exhaustive nor definitive. It is meant as a starting place to support anyone who wishes to engage in a process of deepening self-discovery and to facilitate greater understanding and connection between people.
| AFFECTIONATE | EXCITED | HOPEFUL | PEACEFUL |
|---|---|---|---|
| compassionate friendly loving openhearted sympathetic tenderwarm |
amazed animated ardent aroused dazzled eager energetic enthusiastic giddy invigorated lively passionate surprised vibrant |
expectant encouraged optimistic |
calm clearheaded comfortable centered content equanimity fulfilled mellow quiet relaxed relieved satisfied serene still tranquil trusting |
| CONFIDENT | EXHILARATED | JOYFUL | REFRESHED |
| empowered openproudsafesecure |
blissful ecstatic elated enthralled exuberant radiant rapturous thrilled |
amused delighted glad happy jubilant pleased tickled |
enlivened rejuvenated renewed rested restored revived |
| ENGAGED | GRATEFUL | INSPIRED | |
| absorbed alert curious engrossed enchanted entranced fascinated interested intrigued involved spellbound stimulated |
appreciative moved thankful touched |
amazed awed wonder |
| AFRAID | CONFUSED | FATIGUE | TENSE |
|---|---|---|---|
| apprehensive dread foreboding frightened mistrustful panicked petrified scared suspicious terrified wary worried |
ambivalent baffled bewildered dazed hesitant lost mystified perplexed puzzled torn |
beat burnt out depleted exhausted lethargic listless sleepy tired weary worn out |
anxious cranky distressed distraught edgy fidgety frazzled irritable jittery nervous overwhelmed restless stressed out |
| ANNOYED | DISCONNECTED | PAIN | VULNERABLE |
| aggravated dismayed disgruntled displeased exasperated frustrated impatient irritated irked |
alienated aloof apathetic bored cold detached distant distracted indifferent numb removed withdrawn |
agony anguished bereaved devastated grief heartbroken hurt lonely miserable regretful remorseful |
fragile guarded helpless insecure leery reserved sensitive shaky |
| ANGRY | DISQUIET | SAD | YEARNING |
| angry enraged furious incensed indignant irate livid outraged resentful |
agitated alarmed discombobulated disconcerted disturbed perturbed rattled restless shocked startled surprised troubled turbulent turmoil uncomfortable uneasy unnerved unsettled upset |
depressed dejected despair despondent disappointed discouraged disheartened forlorn gloomy heavy hearted hopeless melancholy unhappy wretched |
envious jealous longing nostalgic pining wistful |
| AVERSION | EMBARRASSED | ||
| Animosity appalled contempt disgusted dislike hate horrified hostile repulsed |
ashamed chagrined flustered mortified self-conscious |
(without reference to specific people, time, actions, things)
© 2014 Inbal, Miki and Arnina Kashtan • [email protected] • www.baynvc.org • 510-433-0700
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This list builds on Marshall Rosenberg's original needs list with categories adapted from Manfred Max-Neef. Neither exhaustive nor definitive, it can be used for study and for discovery about each person's authentic experience.
| Subsistence and Security | Freedom | Meaning |
|---|---|---|
| Physical Sustenance | Autonomy | Sense of Self |
| Air Food Health Movement Physical Safety Rest / sleep Shelter Touch Water |
Choice Ease Independence Power Self-responsibility Space Spontaneity |
Authenticity Competence Creativity Dignity Growth Healing Honesty Integrity Self-acceptance Self-care Self-connection Self-knowledge Self-realization Mattering to myself |
| Security | To Matter | Understanding |
| Consistency Order/Structure Peace (external) Peace of mind Protection Safety (emotional) Stability Trusting |
Acceptance Care Compassion Consideration Empathy Kindness Mutual Recognition Respect To be heard, seen To be known, understood To be trusted Understanding others |
Awareness Clarity Discovery Learning Making sense of life Stimulation |
| Community | Meaning | |
| Belonging Communication Cooperation Equality Inclusion Mutuality Participation Partnership Self-expression Sharing |
Aliveness Challenge Consciousness Contribution Creativity Effectiveness Exploration Integration Purpose |
|
| Transcendence | ||
| Beauty Celebration of life Communion Faith Flow Hope Inspiration Mourning Peace (internal) Presence |